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must be roughly around 4000cal she ordered. just right for our dainty troll queen.
is she imitating chantal with her mysterious illness or do they both have the fatty flu? same symptoms at least, likely induced by too much cheese, buttered bread and ranch dressing?
she eats like the pasta and the bread needed to be punished.
what a waste of time.
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Diet Coke 4 Life

When I peek, it is in the line of duty.
(takes a deep breath)

Pardon me. I am fetching my vodka.

Fuckadoodle dandy, here we go.

0:00 ‘Hey guise’ Hey, AL. Your intro sucks balls.

0:17 Hasn’t been uploading lately due to waking up with a really soar throat, and didn’t want to talk because she had two big balls in her throat (HUR HUR HUR THOUGHT YOU WERE A LESBIAN - sorry, moment of immaturity done)

0:40 ‘That was a minute ago’ No shit. Her throat feels better. Can tell by the roundness of her face, the huge chins and fat pool around the base of her neck that she hasn’t been skipping meals despite her soar throat, though. I mean, c’mon. Look at this shit.

Screen Shot 2021-05-03 at 7.46.12 PM.png

0:44 ‘It’s just like on the top of everything else you know. I’m going through some stuff’


0:47 ‘Honestly I wake up and I don’t want to put on makeup and I don’t want to put on earrings and I don’t want to put on a cute outfit and that’s been preventing me from filming but I need to accept my natural side.’ If by natural you mean greasy mong bloated balloon, you’re doing that beautifully. Holy shit. Your hair is practically dropping with lard. Yick.

1:15 ‘I haven’t been weighing in for you guys, which (jump cut) um, I shouldn’t have done that either’ LOL She gained again. Guaranteed.

1:22 Says she has videos planned and will do weigh-ins. She blathers on and on about how we need to accept that peoples’ mental health is important and wah wah wah and she’s lacking motivation and blardyblardyblar.

1:57 ‘I HAVEN’T ATE TODAY.’ It’s 5:30 PM. Doesn’t matter if you woke up 5 minutes ago, AL. FFS.

2:03 She’s ordered from a place she’s never had before. Poochini’s is how she pronounces it. It’s Puccini’s Pizza in Lexington, if you’re curious.

2:15 The unbarring. She’s got chocolate cake, a calzone (which is Becky’s), a ‘let’s sniff it a billion times’ chicken marsala, brochette (once again Becky’s), a pasta dish (vodka sauce? She doesn’t know), and a huge house salad with an enormous helping of ranch dressing plus bread sticks. And a salad for Becky, too. Holy shit, this could feed a small Ethiopian village.

4:33 She crunches into garlic bread, says ‘It’s just regular bread’ with her mouth full, like a disgusting cretin.

4:54 Pasta. She looks confused and makes a grossed out face before professing she has something in her eye, and then after the jump cut comes back to say it’s good, it’s got a hint of spicy but it’s not spicy. Then says it’s really good.

5:39 She’s once again nervous about food. Tries a mushroom out of her chicken dish. Hums and says the sauce is really good, and instead of just having a mushroom and calling it a day, she digs in and munches the ever livid shit out of it.

6:11 Says her chicken shit was supposed to come on top of potatoes but that they’re burnt to a crisp. She shows the bottom of one potato, which has the barest hint of browning upon it, showing that it was indeed cooked. And isn’t burnt at all. She purposefully puts it into her gaping face hole and bites down on it, and it mushes down. Not crunch, not splits, not shatters. Mushes. It isn’t burnt, you dumb bit. She whines that it would’ve been better with rice. And then because she doesn’t have a knife, she fuckin’ caveman slurps that shit and makes confused ‘mmm’ sounds.

6:43 ‘I feel like this sauce just needs to go on rice.’ You fucking cad.

7:00 Amber no likey! 3/10. Because no rice. The pasta gets an 8/10. The garlic bread earns a ‘goes great with the pasta’ so a 9/10. What’s her criteria? There is no criteria. This is the muckbang where the rules are made up and the points don’t matter.

8:09 Sniffs the ranch, says it smells ‘bomb.’ AKA: It came out of a squeeze bottle.

8:30 Becky off camera says her brochette is gross because it’s got onions in it (maybe look at the ingredients before you order, you dipshit). But her calzone is alright. AL continues warbling about her chicken being a miss but the pasta was a hit.

8:51 So AL pulled her tomatoes off, and you can see that all the dressing is everywhere. She waxes on about eating a lot of salad lately. Meaning she’s had some vegetable matter to haul dressing into her gaping maw.

9:31 She of course has to shove the biggest forkfuls imaginable into her huge maw and munch with her mouth wide open like a literal fucking cow. I’ve met small slobbering goblin-folks with better table manners.

10:06 She still can’t pronounce muckbang properly, because she has a brain made of tapioca. And she’s speaking with her mouth full. Still. The goblin-wrangler in me wants to reach through the screen and bitchslap her to oblivion.

10:20 ‘I’m not in the zone!’ As she shoves shit in her face. And chews with her mouth wide open.

10:53 Blathering about how she only uploaded 5 videos in April, and her goal for May is 12 videos. Let’s watch her fail, folks!

11:25 Shows her chicken to show that she’s wasting it. Yeah, sure. Right. She says she’s going to feed it to Becky, to which Becky immediately says no. 10 to 1 says she covers it with rice and eats it anyway.

11:58 For her saying she’s only going to have 1-2 pieces of garlic bread, she is now crunching into her 4th piece on video.

12:12 Now she’s talking about some dumb fucking show (Mayor of BeastTown? I don’t know, whatever) she’s watching. The 3rd episode comes out ‘tonight’ (as she cracks open her caffeine-free Diet Coke).

12:44 She acknowledges that her content is less than mediocre and we’re going to have to accept that because


Amber, stop giving my fucking glitter text such a workout.

13:05 And now she’s just filming herself munching away. At this point, there's only one thing to say to AL:


13:27 Finally after 20 seconds she says she loves us and thanks us for our patience and she’ll see us in our next video, then hangs up because her mom’s calling. And FUCK MY EARS THE OUTRO VOLUME UGH

TL; DR/DW: Don't bother. This shit was boring as hell and flooded with gross mouth noises.
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