Kiwi Farms
"No, kiddo, I'm one of those actual, real-life tough guys who will spoon feed you your own teeth. "
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
Introduction
Patrick Tomlinson is an insurance-salesman-turned-sci-fi-author who has been embroiled in Internet drama for years, even briefly attracting the attention of Mister Metokur (L), Porsalin (L), and Kiwi Farms users (L). Mr. Tomlinson has gained many supporters and enemies fighting, blocking, and threatening legal action across Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Reddit, YouTube, and GoodReads.
"I Never Lie, Child.”
Patrick Tomlinson is a man who never lies, and never has lied, child.
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
“And, No, Child. Still Not Fat. Still Never Was.”
Patrick Tomlinson, who took blood pressure medication in his 30s (A, L), has also never been fat--and not just by Wisconsin standards. This section may seem mean-spirited, but it tests the veracity of the never-lies claim.
(more on the alt account and half marathon later)
(A, L)
"Actual Tough Guy."
Patrick Tomlinson is an unbreakable bar fighter, self-defense instructor, competitive marksman, and actual tough guy.
(A, L)
(A, L)
Sure, you've gotten angry, but have you gotten Scorponok-Desert-Battle-with-Powerman-5000-soundtrack angry...and stayed that angry?
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A , L)
(A , L)
"One bar brawl, please."
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
Patrick Tomlinson is descended from fighters. 20 years ago, his father sat a 20-year-old Patrick on his knee and imparted the family mantra of "number sign DLTIW".
(A, L)
Patrick is as potent with fists as firearms. While an online search could not corroborate his claims of being a self-defense instructor or competitive marksman (A, L), it is known that Patrick never lies. Additionally, if he explains making war half as well as he depicts making love, one can be sure he is a top-flight instructor.
"You pull thepenis gun from the trousers holster and then shoot."
In Patrick's nearly unattended Reddit AMA, he provided tough-guy workout details in response to questions he asked himself.
(A, L)
Really Real Tales of an Actual Tough Guy Who Never Lies and is Not Fat
Consoling a Japanese Veteran at the Pearl Harbor Memorial
OK, Patrick lied once in his life:
(A, L)
but it was to console a distraught Japanese veteran who tearfully begged his forgiveness for his role in the Pearl Harbor attack. Remarkably, the man served as both the gunner in a three-seat Nakajima B5N torpedo bomber (A, L) and the pilot of a one-seat Mitsubishi A6M "Zero" fighter (A, L) during the battle, an accomplishment sure to almost satisfy even the most demanding Asian parents.
Bonus:
(A, L)
Pwning a "Brohemian" "Brototype" "Brotosaurus" Fat-Shamer at the Gym (Bonus WorkoutLies Facts)
(A, L)
Crime Fighting
Carjacker
Front-Door Fascist
(A, L)
Half Marathon
Patrick vs. 62,984,828 Nazis
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
Patrick Tomlinson understands that desperate times call for desperate measures, including beating women. Sometimes you really do need to beat women, but only if they are wearing a MAGA hat; then, yes, it is acceptable to beat women.
(A)
(A)
Patrick later removed this post from Facebook, but uploaded it to his own site (A, L) in April 2019, and doubled down on Reddit (A, L) and Goodreads (A) in late 2019 .
Nazis accuse Patrick Tomlinson, a true conservative (A, L), of suffering from "Trump* Derangement Syndrome," but he knows that "TDS is just what traitors call patriotism, sweetie" (A, L). Hopefully, they have farms and will lose those farms (A, L), and maybe also get punched.
(A, L)
"Child"
(A)
Patrick is known for his use of "child" as an insult:
(A, L)
(A, L)
Patrick, objectively better-looking than "child" DJ:
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
Even inspiring others to imitate him
Why this insult?
Mother, Ex-Wife, Ex-Child, and Inconsistencies
Interestingly, it is confirmed that Patrick's mother was a school psychologist in charge of an entire district (A, L). She may have had a bit too much of a forest-not-the-trees approach with children's mental health, however.
(A, L)
(A)
Patrick and his pregnant ex-wife divorced, only for her to quickly marry her current husband, with whom she has since had two more children. The jointly petitioned divorce occurred between July 19 2011 and December 13 2011 (A, L). In an August 2014 post on his blog (A, L), Patrick states that he entered a suicidal depression that led to him signing away his parental rights because:
There were no "signs of trouble," but there are photos of his ex-wife being very affectionate toward the man for whom she would divorce Patrick only two months later.
Body Language Contrast
There are many other inconsistencies with these statements and those made by Patrick elsewhere. One surprising source for contradictory evidence to these claims comes in the form of Patrick's stand-up comedy.
08-17-2013
(Excerpted from 13:00 Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKDKGlK7Dvg)
The divorce was finalized one year and nine months prior.
Patrick claims in his blog post that "for nine years" he and his wife were "a model couple." They began dating in 2002 (A, L), meaning that there were no trouble periods. He reiterates that the divorce came with "no warning, no signs of trouble, no money problems, no infidelity, nothing." Did their marriage really sputter out over two years, with no amount of nice-guy tokens proving sufficient to earn sex?
08-16-2014
(Excerpted from 11:53 Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kL4wzGg_3tI)
Patrick would again reference his ex-wife the following year, at the same event (GenCon). He first describes her as "a bloodsucking, disease carrying parasite." Patrick has never paid child support, and has terminated parental rights; it is unknown why he would refer to her as "disease carrying" when he claimed in his blog post that there had been no infidelity leading to the divorce and she quickly remarried the man to whom she is still married. He goes on to repeat the same joke as the year before, with the only difference that the inadequate intimacy lasted for "a few years" instead of a "couple."
02-24-2016
(Excerpted from 4:52 Video: https://youtu.be/8yr7g1zVwN4)
Four years and three months after the divorce, Patrick would be back with a new bit about his ex-wife, repeating his claim that she left him "after nine years for no apparent reason" and "emotionally manipulated him" into signing away his parental rights. He would go on to say "I hate that woman. I...just...just hate her" and that he contemplated killing her for a week. It should be mentioned that this performance took place in her state of residence. It was all said purely in jest, though, one hopes.
Patrick received over 4500 likes and 600 retweets bragging about having had nudes of his ex-wife, but delting them (A, L), and responded to criticism politely by his standards (A, L), though he did make sure to mention that she "broke e'ery bond" (A, L). He also shared that she deleted all of their pictures without asking
(A, L).
Patrick posts bitter tweets about the marriage to this day (A, L). His ex-wife continues to flourish in her professional and personal life (A, L), making no mention of him.
Divorced in 2011, the doting sperm donor "brought a child into the world in 2012" (A, L), which was a moment so beautiful it is surpassed only by... (A, L).
Another questionable facet of Patrick's story is that he was so devastated by the divorce that he became depressed for months and even suicidal. Having finalized the divorce in December 2011, Patrick claimed in October 2019 to have been with his current wife for eight years (A, L), and that they moved in together in 2013 (A, L). He also claimed that, presumably before meeting his second, "better" wife (A, L), he never masturbated to his ex-wife's nudes because he was "buried in too much strange" (A, L) (not because he no longer had them) and that he "got laid" "so much more post divorce" that he was "like a vengeful old testament sex god" (A, L). Indeed, according to Patrick himself, his current wife was intended to be yet another of his one-night-stands (A, L). Patrick is quick to remind trolls that they still have sex (A, L; A, L) for some reason. Lastly, their relationship is so sound that Patrick feels free to share her depression and ADHD diagnoses (A, L) with his over 46,000 Twitter followers.
Speaking of which....
Building and Flexing an Online Following
While Patrick's Instagram consists largely of photos of him writing on his laptop in bars and getting his "hair did" for 2-12 likes,
(A, L)
Patrick has over 46,000 followers on Twitter, a fact he is quick to use as a cudgel against those with fewer.
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)
Famous IRL:
(A, L)
Patrick built this following through viral tweets involving abortion (A, L), sexism against Hillary (A, L), Trump being bad (A, L), Trump and Fox News being bad (A, L), and encouraging youth to rise up against Trump (A, L).
Patrick's main account would later be banned for 10 months for harassment until it was reinstated without verified status, and for a cost of $5,000 in legal fees (A, L; A, L), though he engaged in the same behaviors on his ban evasion account, which would also be banned and then reinstated.
A major contributor to this ban, and many other conflicts, will be discussed in the following post.
Dox:
Patrick Sean Tomlinson
2611 N Oakland Ave (Downstairs Half of Duplex)
Milwaukee WI 53211
DOB April 18, 1980 (age 40)
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)Introduction
Patrick Tomlinson is an insurance-salesman-turned-sci-fi-author who has been embroiled in Internet drama for years, even briefly attracting the attention of Mister Metokur (L), Porsalin (L), and Kiwi Farms users (L). Mr. Tomlinson has gained many supporters and enemies fighting, blocking, and threatening legal action across Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Reddit, YouTube, and GoodReads.
"I Never Lie, Child.”
Patrick Tomlinson is a man who never lies, and never has lied, child.
“And, No, Child. Still Not Fat. Still Never Was.”
Patrick Tomlinson, who took blood pressure medication in his 30s (A, L), has also never been fat--and not just by Wisconsin standards. This section may seem mean-spirited, but it tests the veracity of the never-lies claim.
(more on the alt account and half marathon later)
(A, L)
"Actual Tough Guy."
Patrick Tomlinson is an unbreakable bar fighter, self-defense instructor, competitive marksman, and actual tough guy.
Sure, you've gotten angry, but have you gotten Scorponok-Desert-Battle-with-Powerman-5000-soundtrack angry...and stayed that angry?
(A , L)
"One bar brawl, please."Patrick Tomlinson is descended from fighters. 20 years ago, his father sat a 20-year-old Patrick on his knee and imparted the family mantra of "number sign DLTIW".
Patrick is as potent with fists as firearms. While an online search could not corroborate his claims of being a self-defense instructor or competitive marksman (A, L), it is known that Patrick never lies. Additionally, if he explains making war half as well as he depicts making love, one can be sure he is a top-flight instructor.
"You pull the
In Patrick's nearly unattended Reddit AMA, he provided tough-guy workout details in response to questions he asked himself.
Really Real Tales of an Actual Tough Guy Who Never Lies and is Not Fat
Consoling a Japanese Veteran at the Pearl Harbor Memorial
OK, Patrick lied once in his life:
but it was to console a distraught Japanese veteran who tearfully begged his forgiveness for his role in the Pearl Harbor attack. Remarkably, the man served as both the gunner in a three-seat Nakajima B5N torpedo bomber (A, L) and the pilot of a one-seat Mitsubishi A6M "Zero" fighter (A, L) during the battle, an accomplishment sure to almost satisfy even the most demanding Asian parents.
Bonus:
Pwning a "Brohemian" "Brototype" "Brotosaurus" Fat-Shamer at the Gym (Bonus Workout
(A, L)Crime Fighting
Carjacker
Front-Door Fascist
Half Marathon
Patrick participated in 2016 Brewers Mini (Half) Marathon, finishing with a time of 2:39:42, which earned him 136th place out of 147 male runners aged 35-39, and 1,570th place out of 1,831 total runners.
( L)
He also documented his training for the 2019 Brewers Mini Marathon on his Instagram, enriching the mosaic of his gym's location tag,
(A, L)
(A, L)
the #runningmotivation hashtag,
(A, L)
and the #runnersofinstagram hashtag.
(A, L)
These posts led one of Patrick's more vocal critics, Carol Maxheinie, to accuse him of cheating in the 2016 race:
Sadly, the photos no longer appear on the race page (L). However, Patrick did respond to these allegations by stating that he had suffered a high ankle sprain with eight miles left in the race.
(A, L)
Patrick could quash these rumors by providing pictures from around the time of the injury. He has documented other severe injuries, such as a sunburned arm (A, L) and ankle (A, L), and a cracked toenail (A, L) before and after the 2016 marathon.
Patrick completed the 2012 Brewers Mini Marathon in 2:18:27 (A, L), and the 2013 race in 2:15:38 (A, L). The difference between Patrick's 2016 time and 2013 time is 0:24:04. According to Patrick, he ran miles 1-5 at an average pace of 0:11:10 per mile; and miles 5-10, after having run 5 miles already, and suffered a high ankle sprain, ran at an average pace of only 0:12:37 per mile.
Patrick's pre-2017 Facebook posts were wiped, and his Instagram did not exist in 2016. So, image searches and YouTube videos were used to compare his physical appearance in the time between the 2012 and 2013 races, and around the 2016 race. From left to right: Unknown time in 2012, 5 months before the 2016 Brewers Mini Marathon (L), and 12 days after (L)
Patrick cancelled his plans to participate in the 2019 half-marathon.
He also documented his training for the 2019 Brewers Mini Marathon on his Instagram, enriching the mosaic of his gym's location tag,
the #runningmotivation hashtag,
and the #runnersofinstagram hashtag.
These posts led one of Patrick's more vocal critics, Carol Maxheinie, to accuse him of cheating in the 2016 race:
Sadly, the photos no longer appear on the race page (L). However, Patrick did respond to these allegations by stating that he had suffered a high ankle sprain with eight miles left in the race.
Patrick could quash these rumors by providing pictures from around the time of the injury. He has documented other severe injuries, such as a sunburned arm (A, L) and ankle (A, L), and a cracked toenail (A, L) before and after the 2016 marathon.
Patrick completed the 2012 Brewers Mini Marathon in 2:18:27 (A, L), and the 2013 race in 2:15:38 (A, L). The difference between Patrick's 2016 time and 2013 time is 0:24:04. According to Patrick, he ran miles 1-5 at an average pace of 0:11:10 per mile; and miles 5-10, after having run 5 miles already, and suffered a high ankle sprain, ran at an average pace of only 0:12:37 per mile.
Patrick's pre-2017 Facebook posts were wiped, and his Instagram did not exist in 2016. So, image searches and YouTube videos were used to compare his physical appearance in the time between the 2012 and 2013 races, and around the 2016 race. From left to right: Unknown time in 2012, 5 months before the 2016 Brewers Mini Marathon (L), and 12 days after (L)
Patrick cancelled his plans to participate in the 2019 half-marathon.
Patrick vs. 62,984,828 Nazis
(A, L)Patrick Tomlinson understands that desperate times call for desperate measures, including beating women. Sometimes you really do need to beat women, but only if they are wearing a MAGA hat; then, yes, it is acceptable to beat women.
Patrick later removed this post from Facebook, but uploaded it to his own site (A, L) in April 2019, and doubled down on Reddit (A, L) and Goodreads (A) in late 2019 .
Nazis accuse Patrick Tomlinson, a true conservative (A, L), of suffering from "Trump* Derangement Syndrome," but he knows that "TDS is just what traitors call patriotism, sweetie" (A, L). Hopefully, they have farms and will lose those farms (A, L), and maybe also get punched.
"Child"
Patrick is known for his use of "child" as an insult:
Patrick, objectively better-looking than "child" DJ:
(A, L)
(A, L)
(A, L)Even inspiring others to imitate him
Why this insult?
Mother, Ex-Wife, Ex-Child, and Inconsistencies
Interestingly, it is confirmed that Patrick's mother was a school psychologist in charge of an entire district (A, L). She may have had a bit too much of a forest-not-the-trees approach with children's mental health, however.
Patrick and his pregnant ex-wife divorced, only for her to quickly marry her current husband, with whom she has since had two more children. The jointly petitioned divorce occurred between July 19 2011 and December 13 2011 (A, L). In an August 2014 post on his blog (A, L), Patrick states that he entered a suicidal depression that led to him signing away his parental rights because:
There were no "signs of trouble," but there are photos of his ex-wife being very affectionate toward the man for whom she would divorce Patrick only two months later.
Body Language Contrast
There are many other inconsistencies with these statements and those made by Patrick elsewhere. One surprising source for contradictory evidence to these claims comes in the form of Patrick's stand-up comedy.
08-17-2013
(Excerpted from 13:00 Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKDKGlK7Dvg)
The divorce was finalized one year and nine months prior.
Patrick claims in his blog post that "for nine years" he and his wife were "a model couple." They began dating in 2002 (A, L), meaning that there were no trouble periods. He reiterates that the divorce came with "no warning, no signs of trouble, no money problems, no infidelity, nothing." Did their marriage really sputter out over two years, with no amount of nice-guy tokens proving sufficient to earn sex?
08-16-2014
(Excerpted from 11:53 Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kL4wzGg_3tI)
Patrick would again reference his ex-wife the following year, at the same event (GenCon). He first describes her as "a bloodsucking, disease carrying parasite." Patrick has never paid child support, and has terminated parental rights; it is unknown why he would refer to her as "disease carrying" when he claimed in his blog post that there had been no infidelity leading to the divorce and she quickly remarried the man to whom she is still married. He goes on to repeat the same joke as the year before, with the only difference that the inadequate intimacy lasted for "a few years" instead of a "couple."
02-24-2016
(Excerpted from 4:52 Video: https://youtu.be/8yr7g1zVwN4)
Four years and three months after the divorce, Patrick would be back with a new bit about his ex-wife, repeating his claim that she left him "after nine years for no apparent reason" and "emotionally manipulated him" into signing away his parental rights. He would go on to say "I hate that woman. I...just...just hate her" and that he contemplated killing her for a week. It should be mentioned that this performance took place in her state of residence. It was all said purely in jest, though, one hopes.
Patrick received over 4500 likes and 600 retweets bragging about having had nudes of his ex-wife, but delting them (A, L), and responded to criticism politely by his standards (A, L), though he did make sure to mention that she "broke e'ery bond" (A, L). He also shared that she deleted all of their pictures without asking
(A, L).Patrick posts bitter tweets about the marriage to this day (A, L). His ex-wife continues to flourish in her professional and personal life (A, L), making no mention of him.
Divorced in 2011, the doting sperm donor "brought a child into the world in 2012" (A, L), which was a moment so beautiful it is surpassed only by... (A, L).
Another questionable facet of Patrick's story is that he was so devastated by the divorce that he became depressed for months and even suicidal. Having finalized the divorce in December 2011, Patrick claimed in October 2019 to have been with his current wife for eight years (A, L), and that they moved in together in 2013 (A, L). He also claimed that, presumably before meeting his second, "better" wife (A, L), he never masturbated to his ex-wife's nudes because he was "buried in too much strange" (A, L) (not because he no longer had them) and that he "got laid" "so much more post divorce" that he was "like a vengeful old testament sex god" (A, L). Indeed, according to Patrick himself, his current wife was intended to be yet another of his one-night-stands (A, L). Patrick is quick to remind trolls that they still have sex (A, L; A, L) for some reason. Lastly, their relationship is so sound that Patrick feels free to share her depression and ADHD diagnoses (A, L) with his over 46,000 Twitter followers.
Speaking of which....
Building and Flexing an Online Following
While Patrick's Instagram consists largely of photos of him writing on his laptop in bars and getting his "hair did" for 2-12 likes,
Patrick has over 46,000 followers on Twitter, a fact he is quick to use as a cudgel against those with fewer.
Famous IRL:
(A, L)Patrick built this following through viral tweets involving abortion (A, L), sexism against Hillary (A, L), Trump being bad (A, L), Trump and Fox News being bad (A, L), and encouraging youth to rise up against Trump (A, L).
Patrick's main account would later be banned for 10 months for harassment until it was reinstated without verified status, and for a cost of $5,000 in legal fees (A, L; A, L), though he engaged in the same behaviors on his ban evasion account, which would also be banned and then reinstated.
A major contributor to this ban, and many other conflicts, will be discussed in the following post.
Dox:
Patrick Sean Tomlinson
2611 N Oakland Ave (Downstairs Half of Duplex)
Milwaukee WI 53211
DOB April 18, 1980 (age 40)