Personal Lolcows -

tampax pearl
I'm going to call this lolcow Moon Moon, and his boyfriend will be called Plate.

I met Moon Moon in my Freshman year of high school and he (she at the time, he trooned out later) was obviously fucking bonkers. He'd try to stalk girls he liked because he was a "socially anxious" uwu smol lesbean with Aspergers. His personal hygiene was horrendous. He never brushed his teeth, refused to drink water, and frequently complained of pain because of his cavities. It didn't get better through the years. Around Sophomore year, he decided he wanted to be called Delta (yes he picked that name), and claimed he was a boy now. Any time he picked a fight with black kids (yes he was a bit racist), he demanded WE protect him because he "hadn't meant any harm" or some shit like that.

Every part of his identity quickly became a matter of him being trans, and he didn't have any interests besides being a "trans twink"that apparently wasn't a lesbian anymore. Things got so much worse as soon as he got on testosterone and started dating a black dude named Plate. Plate's a nice enough guy, if a bit of a doormat, but his race was what fucked everything up. He was paraded around as Moon Moon's black boyfriend, and suddenly Moon Moon was the spokesperson for the entire African American race. Moon Moon could not talk without mentioning the fact that he was in an interracial relationship; he couldn't go a breath without talking about how hard it is. Except it isn't, because we're in a liberal area, and literally nobody cares that Moon Moon's trans.

Moon Moon let another trans dude fuck his boyfriend and got all jealous, which he told us about at a mutual friend's small party. We had no more than 5 people there. Through the course of the night, Moon Moon begged his boyfriend to fuck him in front of us; he humped his boyfriend's leg (Plate adamantly stated that he DID NOT WANT this to happen AT ALL and that it made him uncomfortable.) But that wasn't enough. Plate was on the phone with his mom for maybe 5 minutes with Moon Moon complaining about him taking so long; claiming he was so thirsty, and to bring him a drink NOW.

Plate, frustrated as he was, dropped the call and brought everyone a drink BUT Moon Moon. In retaliation, Moon Moon spilled a shit ton of red Gatorade on a white carpet and acted as if it were an accident. Now his persona is that of a stoner (he has medical marijuana because of his parents and he abuses it frequently), he has no friends, and cannot go five minutes without talking about weed. It got so bad I made a bingo sheet out of it. (For a bit of explanation; he's an admitted zoophile with a drowning fetish, harasses old women, licks his phone screen to clean it.. the list goes on.)


All Kinds of Gorillaz
I know an actual furry troon, who posts literal furry porn on facebook. He seems like he'd fit right in Animal Control. I am wayyy too nice to post anything on people I actually know irl though.


True & Honest Fan
Not sure if I posted about her already, but this one girl I know is a real piece of work. She tends to talk incessantly about herself to the point that it can kill a conversation, and has a habit of giving way too much personal info to people. Of course, she constantly goes on about her mental health without actually ever doing anything about it. On top of that she's in an "open relationship", which basically equates to her fucking as many guys as she can as frequently as she can while her boyfriend pretends it doesn't bother him. She also likes to bring the guys shes fucking on the side to her boyfriend's parties.
I'll probably share some specific stories about her if people are interested, but more or less all you really need to know is that it's really entertaining watching her mess things up for herself.
You know what I'm gonna say.

Go on...


Child of the 80s (or early 90s at least)
Not sure if this would go here since I dont actually know who he is, but I was just making a quick stop at my local convenience store and witnessed a crazy redneck making a scene because they wouldn't let him return a can of soup without a receipt

Squishy Penny

Your lord and savior, Abraham Lincoln.
There's this kid at my job who's the absolute worst. He's about my age (or even younger,but atleast around his 20s) and he gets incredibly pissed when things don't go HIS way, to the point where he even becomes violent and start yelling and assaulting people just so he can have HIS way.
During lunch breaks he pulls out his Nintendo Switch and play one of his 200 something games, (not joking,and those things are EXPENSIVE) and he'll get incredibly jealous when someone else gets more attention for their stuff instead. (For example, someone brings a PS Vita or Nintendo 3DS,and he'll start ranting about ''how HE has the NEWEST nintendo tech!!!'' or how ''Playstation is CLEARLY inferior to Nintendo regarding handhelds!!!'' and I swear to god I just want to punch him in the face sometimes.)
He'll interrupt people when they're talking about ''HIS'' interests and completely take over the conversation,and when you call him out he'll start ranting about how ''he can't help it because he has mental illnesses and so you're not allowed to be mad!!!!''

He even has a deviantART account where his art consists of nothing but fetish-filled RP starters, stolen art, or ''OCs'' that are literally stolen from existing shows or games. (He has fake Pokemon that are all original FNaF animatronics) and spends most of his time at work browsing his inbox and responding to comments.


Engaging in cultural trench warfare
True & Honest Fan
There is a 30+ year lifer in my office who has never risen above the entry-level position mostly on account of her being an insufferable busybody. She is also an unapologetic hardline Christian fundamentalist who I'm convinced is on the spectrum but was just never diagnosed because autism was well after her time. Because my job does not involve having to listen to anything going on in the office, on days that I'm bored I'll go hunting for news stories that I'm sure will upset her (updates on the Bake the Cake, Bigot kerfuffle are a good recent example) and forward them to her. Because we used to work together she's convinced I'm doing this as a friend.

I'm really doing it because it'll derail her brain for the entire rest of the day and she'll spend the rest of it quoting Bible verses out loud to the rest of the office and tut-tutting and going on and on about how Trump will be re-elected to establish the new City on the Hill (no, I'm not exaggerating).

Ok so I just remembered this guy since I posted in the penis enlargement thread. About 2 or 3 years ago, I used to know this Korean guy named Seong through a coworker. The coworker wasn't even actual friends with him, but he needed a ride and Seong's parents bought him a new Hyundai at some point, so basically to get access to his car my coworker would talk with him about anime and martial arts and shit. Seong is just one of those guys, where he's really energetic and has no self awareness or self control. My coworker told me about this incident where he was taking a shower and Seong just walked into the bathroom and thought it would be funny to take a picture of my coworker. In response, my coworker kicked him in the ribs. There was another incident where Seong and CW (coworker) went gun shopping and Seong thought it would be appropriate to spin a Glock around like Revolver Ocelot. At first, I didn't believe anyone would do that, but then I actually met the guy.

When I first met Seong he excitedly asked me if I had any martial arts experiment, I said I did Judo as a kid and he instantly trashed it because it was Japanese, saying that Tae-Kwon-Do was better because it was Korean (yes I'm serious). Then he said "show what you got" and got into a stance. I just sort of stood there staring at him, and after a few seconds I shoved him. CW was laughing off to the side and Seong just sort of shrugged it off. A a few days later, he dropped by my workplace and started talking to me while I was working, asking me about anime. He asked me if I had ever read Berserk and I said not really, so he went outside to his car and brought out a volume of berserk and opened it in front of me and started trying to show me an action scene. He kept saying things like "see, these guys are getting owned" and said the sound effects out loud. I just sort of ignored him and he was like "well anyway I'll see you around", so I said bye and he left.

Next time I saw Seong me, CW and our dealer were all smoking at the dealer's place and CW brought Seong along. Standard decorum was "puff puff pass" and CW informed Seong of this. We smoked pretty normally for a while but then for some reason Seong piped up and thought that he wasn't getting enough weed. Our dealer (who was also a coworker) told him "we've all been passing the joint around pretty equally dude", so Seong responded with "I don't know do you have anything stronger?". Dealer said that he didn't have anything with him and CW said he left his extract at home, Seong responded with a generic affirmation and then Dealer cut in and said "you don't want to go too big if you're new to this", Seong said that he was a huge stoner but CW said "nah man I saw your eyes light up when you took that first hit, don't front" and Seong started vehemently denying that a middle class Asian might not have any smoking experience. This entire time I'm just kind of sitting there and smiling like an exceptional individual, while our dealer and CW are ribbing him for not owning up to being new to smoking. At some point he gets offended and goes outside, and about 10 minutes later CW goes outside to check on him. I ask our dealer if he thinks Seong is ACTUALLY butthurt and Dealer says "I dunno he's probably taking it as rejection or something". Eventually I go check on CW to see if they drove off or something and Seong is ranting at CW, and he's essentially venting his inferiority complex and social pressures. He's talking about how he's going to go to college for engineering and people will finally be impressed with him and respect him and all that kind of shit. I went back to our dealer and told him what was up, and our dealer ventured that his parents were overbearing and he was looking for some kind of outside belonging. I said I guess and Seong and CW came back and said goodbye before driving off. Then I finished the current joint with the dealer and handed him money for an order and left.

I don't know where Seong is right now, I think finishing up his degree. Wherever he is, he's probably annoying somebody with his weird Korean chauvinism and insecurity.
This guy has the same akwardness as an old neighbor in my residential hall during freshman year. This guy was a Chinese dude that knew no personal boundaries, especially with women. If you left your door ajar or unlocked, he would just wander inside and look around. This was actually what got him kicked out of the neighboring dorm and flung into mine, as he was caught trespassing a woman's room . He also had a warped perception of women as delicate and vapid creatures (think of Amy Rosechu), despite being surrounded by them on a daily basis in a university. At one point in time, he told me that he deliberately chose the empty room on the floor full of women, as opposed to the empty room on the men's floor. I also know that there is at least one incident report about him following some Asian chick. From what I heard, he still stares at her in the library.

I feel somewhat bad about posting this person here, as I don't think she's a bad person. She's a sadcow, in that she makes me sad to look at her, and she frustrates me in that she doesn't have to be this way but doesn't seem to think she's doing anything wrong.

I think she must have some sort of hormone disorder, PCOS or something similar, because she has very visible thick dark facial hair and I have to think someone in her life must have said something because of how prominent it is but she has never done anything about it. She has a very unkempt appearance in general, but that doesn't bother me. If you want to be a hairy woman, be a hairy woman, live your best life. The reason it makes me sad is because she's a cosplayer.

Cosplay being a notoriously image-focused hobby should really have prompted her to do something about her personal grooming, but no. She spends a lot of money on her costumes and wigs and props but nothing on getting waxed or even bleached. It ruins the effect of any make-up she tries to apply and makes her look unwashed. Along with that, she has trouble putting on her wigs so they slide back on her head so her hairline is clearly visible, and often has the crotch of her stockings around her knees when the skirt she's wearing comes to mid-thigh. Her costumes half the time are wrinkled and badly fitted.

All of this is fine in theory, the cosplay world is full of half-assed costumes, but what really makes her a sadcow is that it keeps compromising her friendships. She frequently joins cosplay groups only to get upset when her cosplay friends don't want to post pictures with her, for the obvious reason that she makes them look bad. Then she gets offended and blasts them all over facebook and carries on the drama until the next convention happens and she starts the whole thing over again. She is a drama-making machine, and the friends that she does manage to keep are just as drama-filled. Every time I see her in person, she's had a falling out with another friend, and all it would take for this not to happen is to take a bit more care with her personal grooming.


The Broner with a Boner
This personal lolcow story is semi on going as we speak.
I say semi since he only ever interacts with us when we accidentally bump into him. Won't say his name for personal reasons but we can call him "Squito".

Now let us set the stage.

Squito was a dude I knew back in high school, and at the time he was a cool enough guy. He did have this thing where he tried to puff his chest up if you made a jab at him which was a bit annoying but it was whatever to be honest nothing that couldn't be ignored. Fast forward to college and things seem much of the same until I meet my now friend we'll call him "Duplo". Duplo is a nice guy and at the time the only one who had a car so he was willing to drive to the store with us so we can buy some munchies and stuff when we got out of college. This went on for at least a good 4 months. We are now at December and a very bad habit has taken over Squito. He likes asking for people to buy him stuff yet never pays them back. For example the total amount of money I spent on him was around 20 bucks. When I asked him for that money back his only response was "I thought the money was complimentary" even though he always said he would pay me back. But it wasnt him mooching off of me that got to me, it was him mooching off of Duplo. Duplo is one of those nice to a fault guys who will just go along with anything. Squito essentially used Duplo for around the ball park of 200 bucks in total. Now sounds ridiculous that I or no one else in our circle helped him right? Well thats because Squito did something so amazingly stupid that none of us could ever imagine someone would do at our age.

Lets use one example that was early on of his bullshit.

We are all going to WalMart lets say. All of us get out of the car and begin to walk to the entrance.
Squito would keep purposefully keep Duplo walking slower than all of us so he can be as far behind us as possible. Why? Simple, he did this so he could quietly ask Duplo to buy him food. And not just a candy bar or stuff like that nooo no no. He would ask him for chicken, sandwiches, hell one time he some how got him to buy him a pizza.

Sounds unbelievable right? But thats what he did. And this went on and on and on for months and none of us knew it was happening until I saw it one day. I asked Duplo if this was the first time Squito had done this. He told me no. In fact Duplo was telling me how Squito was going to pay him back with interest. When he told me this I asked how many times has he actually paid him back. He told me "None yet but he keeps telling me he will soon."

Just fyi Squito has financial aid and usually gets around 1k per.

So Duplo, another friend of ours (Lets call him Lego), and I essentially confront Squito.
All he said was that he would pay me and Duplo back all the money soon, its just money was tight and couldn't do much about it. I wasn't buying it, but I really wasn't up to getting into a yelling match in public so I let it go.

(Just to give you a good estimate on how much bullshit he spewed Squitos room had 3 full arcade cabinets, ps4, xbone, pc, just about every console since the NES, and he had a 45 inch TV, so money was obviously not an issue.)

So Duplo, Lego, and I have just had enough. We start just thinking among ourselves to just cut this guy off. Lego and I were all for it. Duplo being the nice guy he is wanted to give him just one more chance. So we agreed.

That chance flew out the window almost as soon and it flew in.

One day we all got together with another friend of ours for sake of this shitty ongoing joke lets just call him "K'nex". K'nex told us something that made us go from bitter sweet to down right sour on Squito in .6th of a femtosecond.

K'nex was talking to Squito in college (Duplo and I had already finished) and when Squito asked K'nex about if he liked hanging out with us K'nex said "Yeah they're cool and shit why?" Squito said something to the effect of "Eh I don't they're kinda fucking lame to be honest. They dont do anything fun"

Im going to insert this here since I didn't mention it above. All of our trips usually have us going to the same places (this was during the time Squito was with us) since Squito hated doing anything that he didnt think was """cool""". By the way his idea of cool was Gamestop, Pawn Shops, and Malls. Anything else he would bitch to the point where we just gave up and went to those stores.
Anyways moving on.

When K'nex told us this it felt essentially like a huge slap across the face. That day we were supposed to pick up Squito for his last chance. Needless to say we just turned the car around and flipped him off as we drove away.

From that day forth Squito has been salty.
A quick rundown of shit he's done after we essentially kicked him out.

-Called Duplo multiple times to hang out and try to get him to buy him food

-Called me a control freak and that I got everyone to turn against him (A modern day Anakin Skywalker I know)

-Messaged everyone (but me of course) asking if they had found me annoying and or controlling.

-Proceeded to call us lame and say that we are just losers.

-Tried to get Lego (who by the way is essentially is the most poor of all us) to give him a loan to buy a fucking car

-And finally called us while we were hanging out begging us to pick him cause his parents were fighting
(it was just him throwing shit around his room to simulate the racket)

-Oh and Brucie Bonus called us again telling us that we were a bunch of gay n**** f**** cucks (which was his go to insult) which Duplo then proceeded to hang up and block him.

-Super secret bonus : When he found out I was into gay ponies he shat all over me, I then proceeded to find 4 folders full of pony porn.

That's my story. What a fucking life I have,eh?

UPDATE 2/2/2018
Squito messaged me today asking for us to put it all in the past and "pretend it never happened" in relation to the above story. When I reminded him how much of a cunt he acted towards us and reminded him about all the money he owed he quickly soured and cursed me out until I hung up on him. (Will add more as time goes on)

Update 6/4/2019

So over a year later I come with a new update on Squito, and this one is a doozy.

So we haven't spoken to Squito for a while but, suddenly he texted us {will add commentary with these types of wavy bracket dudes} :
"Hey [Insert my real name here] like we left off on shit terms but, I like changed and shit yknow? {At this point he almost sounds like a dejected ex}
I'm still trying to find a job at Best Buy and Gamestop but they wont hire me lol! { Keep in mind he is still in college for computer science(EDIT I FOUND OUT HE DROPPED OUT), a degree a friend of ours has an associate in and is making some pretty good money for himself outside of our home town. And also Squito has only had one job at a Dominos he got fired from,for eating the dough. I wish I was joking} But, yeah dude we should hang out again cause like [Redacted] hasnt been hanging out with me and all the local game shops and stuff are filled with n***er f*ggots who dont really like talking, they just play smash and wanna scam you.

I only answer him with a "Sorry bro but we know about the shit you've done both to us and everyone else" {Just so you know this guy was caught on campus searching local girl nudes and asking for specific women on campus, not a crime ,I think, but cemented this guys status as a major fucking pervert}

After this he didnt message back but,he did see the message, also keep in mind this is all from January of this year. So lets fast forward to Febuary I get a call, from him, now how he had my number I have no idea. I never gave it to him since most of my messaging to friends happens over Discord unless its something important. Anyways this is what the call entails.
Me : Hello?

Squito : Hey [---], what's up?

Me: Im sorry but, who is this?

Squito : Dude its me! Squito! Yknow?

Me : Um what? How did you get this number? And why are you calling me at this hour...while I'm at work? {
I work overnight shift at my job by the by}

Squito : Pssh oh come on man, I just wanted to see what you were up to!

Me : At...3am?

Squito : Yeah dude!

Me : Look man, Im gonna say this as nice as I can... I do not want to talk to you, Lego does not want to talk to you, Duplo does not want to talk to you. Leave us alone. We are physically disgusted at the sight of you.

Squito : Damn, what did I do?

Me : You used us as your personal ATM asshole! You were nothing but a nusiance! We tried to help you not be waste of space but, everytime we tried you either ignored our advice or got worse and treated us like we were the assholes. Fuck sake man, even something as simple as us telling you to wear clothes that dont make you look like a pedophile was too much for you. Thats beside the fact that you basically talked shit about us behind our back and your a giant perv that no one wants to associate with anymore. I don't care if you take this seriously or as a joke but, leave me alone.

Squito : Hey man thats not-*Hang up*


So at this point I blocked his number, I blocked him on all social media sites I had and continued to live my life...until May.

Unfortunatley a side effect of living in the same town is that eventually we are going to run into him even though he does not leave his house hardly ever {he self admitted that he only really got out when we invited him}

So in May we all decide to hang out at the local mall, we go there often but today something You ever have that feeling in your stomach that something will happen? Yeah that was me the whole day and I soon found out why. As we approached the Gamestop I suddenly noticed a very VERY familiar jacket and gym shorts. Instantly I felt dread. I told Duplo and Lego what I had seen but, sadly it was too little too late, Squito not only saw us but, he essentially made a fucking B line for us. He caught up with us pretty easily too since the mall was pretty crowded that day. So there we were, us three face to face with a shithole of a human being who is either oblivious or in denial that we hate his guts. Without going into too much detail, the conversation went down like this.

Me : Dude what the hell do you want? I told you to leave us alone and yet you insist on coming up to us in public no less.

Squito : Woah dude it was a super coincidence that I ran into you bro so dont be mad at me.

Lego : Running into you would be one thing but you legit came up to us when you could have easily stayed over at your side.

Squito : Come on guys, can't we just get over the past like adults? Like it was a long time ago and I already apoligized.

Duplo : You talked shit about us behind our back and used us as an atm machine.

Me : Which by the way you never paid us back for, even after you said you would, and even then we tried to be your friend and help you.

Squito : Oh come on guys you're being fucking pussies.

Me : Pussies?! Mother fucker you took advantage of the fact we even wanted to be around your cum stained shirt wearing ass. Don't come up to us and call us pussies when all you did was cower and run away when it was time to pay us back for the shit you did.

Squito : Oh whatever, you just dont wanna forgive me cause you can't take banter.

Lego : Calling us lame and losers isnt banter, its straight up shit talk.

Squito : Psssh you guys should just forgive and forget then.

Me : Y'know what? Ok. I will.

Lego and Duplo : What?

Me : Only if you pay us back every single god damn cent you owe us right here right now, and apoligize to not me not Lego but to Duplo for basically slapping him in the face after all he did was be nice to your ass when we wanted to drop you way before we did.

Squito : Well...I...I'm sorta low on money y'know I mean I could like...if you could like loan me a few bucks or something maybe I could like...

Me: Loan you a few bucks?! Dude fuck off.

At this point we proceed to walk away as he follows us pleading. Eventually we lose him around the Gamestop and we never see him again that day.

So as you can see, shit got fucking stupid with this guy. Hopefully this will be the final update I make on him but if anything goes further I may or may not have to get a restraining order on this guy. At one point I almost felt sorry for him, hes a lonley, fat, baLding, NEET, with no friends and all he does is post on 4chan, play whatever pirated games he has, and jerk off. He stopped going to school, hes never had a job (Dominos was a day so I dont count that), and his parents want nothing to do with him, (which is sad because he and his sister are both NEETS). But, I just could not bring myself to forgive him for all the shit this guy put me and my friends through. It was honestly one of the most frustrating points of my life. The worst part about all this though, is that I should have seen this coming from a mile away. I knew how this guy acted in highschool, I saw the fucking signs and yet like a Mexican on a Texas road I took them as a suggestion not a warning. It's sad man. I could probably do a 3 hour podcast on this guy with everything I didnt say or add to this update or my initial post, and thats just shit he did to me and my friends. I cant even get into the shit hes done to OTHER people that I have heard of. All this cause the guy is too much of a fucking loser to pay someone back.

That's my update on him for now, I pray it be my last.
Last edited:


I was on twitter once
So where do I begin...

I was friends with this person, and boy have my standards for friends improved since then. There were red flags from the beginning, such as self-diagnosing anything you learn from psychology 101, self-admitted SJW, Troon...basically anything that could be used for "oppression points" they were that. Not to mention they were a huge weeb who thinks daddy jokes are funny.

I think one of my favorite things they said was that they were a psychologist because they declared a psychology major in college. Nowadays they whine about "neurotypicals" on social media.

After a while, I had enough. I kicked them off the discord server I ran. They kept talking about abusing and selling drugs, about how they took so much vitamins or something to try and kill themselves, were upset they couldn't talk about their support for Antifa. Well, they didn't like my decision so I was sent some amazing messages such as a personal suicide note for me and how they trusted me, and if I hadn't kicked them, they wouldn't have killed themselves. This happened a year and a half ago and from my knowledge they are still alive and kicking.

They still check my social media, and they screech on twitter to a crowd of like 17 people.
I can add "E Beggar" to the list of everything lolcow about this person. Poor guy can't afford student loans and a cheap apartment so instead of getting a job, gotta ask for money on the internet.

PTNR 2.0

[showering intensifies]
Myself and some friends have been fucking with a personal lolcow for going on 2 years now. Alas, I'll probably never post a thread about him because the tard cum he produces is dependent on interacting with him, and he has no real online presence when not making burner accounts to fuck with people on various social media platforms (gotta hide himself from the Soros Obama NWO! See below for explanation).

So, in lieu of that, here's some facts and info about an autistic conspiratard named "Jay". I'll break it up into bullet points since it's a LOT of info (2+ years worth):

  • Furry
  • Oscillates between considering himself bi and considering himself trans.
  • Diaper fetish (we've archived dozens of pics he's posted around the net)
  • Micropenis (also archived)
  • Alex Jones-loving conspiratard
  • Weeaboo; makes impotent threats about killing people with a katana.
  • Autism, co-morbid with Schizoaffective disorder, which is a helluva combination.
  • Schizoaffective disorder apparently started to manifest around the time he had his first and only girlfriend. She turned him down for sex after seeing his penis and it broke his brain. He's been harassing her for 6 years now.
  • Unemployed
  • Considers himself a l337 hax0r; isn't. He once tried to "hack" a friend by copy/pasting source code to a virus into a Facebook message.
  • Spends all day, and often stays up for days at a time with no sleep, attacking his online enemies
  • Keep getting arrested, most recently for a hate crime version of harassment. Has been arrested at least 3 times this year, but keeps beating any real punishment the same reason Chris-Chan (does using his :autism: as a scapegoat).
  • Is convinced that everyone he doesn't like (like, he'll retcon people he went to school with that picked on him) is a part of an antifa NWO agenda headed by Obama and Soros to mind control the USA into adopting communism by poisoning the water and shooting people full of vaccines.
  • Used to love cops, but now considers them a part of the NWO commie agenda since getting arrested repeatedly.
  • Thinks that he is one of the only people that is protecting Trump from getting assassinated and that he has personally thwarted multiple assassination attempts by "trolling" people online.
  • Literally the most autistic attempts at "trolling" I've ever seen; signs up for dozens of spam Facebook/Twitter/etc. accounts per day, using the names of his enemies and uses them to threaten his other enemies; e.g. if he's mad at Bob Smith and Dave Jones, he'll make an account named "Dave Smith" to harass Bob with and vice versa. His goal is to get both of the targets he impersonates arrested. Somehow. Even though the cops are also NWO agents.
  • Despite the autistic trolling, he doesn't use a proxy or a burner VOIP number or anything, also has a very distinct way of typing and can't stop sperging about the NWO, making it extremely easy for the cops to track him down, which has resulted in his 3 arrests and counting.
  • Sends death threats from his own phone number, registered in his name.
  • Banned from every pizza place in a 30 mile radius around him because he kept trying to pizza swat his local enemies... but used his real phone number for all the orders.
  • Actually racist (not "everything is racist" tumblr shit).
  • Despite this, we have unearthed a video of him getting fucked in the ass by a niggo he met on Xtube.
  • Mother developed alcoholism due to having to deal with his bullshit. When triggered, Jay will drive over to her house and throw a kicking, screaming tantrum, often assaulting her, breaking shit, etc.
  • Despite this, she white knights him to an absurd degree.
  • Brags about sending nudes of himself to his own sister to "trigger" her, after he decided she's a part of the NWO agenda or whatever, after she asked their mom to please get control of him.
  • Entire family is white trash to the extreme; dad and (now dead) brother have a long rap sheet of assault and other violent crimes.
  • The circumstances leading to his first arrest were hilarious. He made threats to a Jewish dude on Twitter, the cops showed up to talk to him about it and he swore it wasn't him and that it was a "false flag". After the cop left, he got in his car and drove over to the Jewish dude's house to try and make good on his threats. The same cop that gave him a talking to earlier was the arresting officere.
  • Is trying to sue the police department for "collusion with communists" and for violating the Americans with Disabilities Act due to his being autistic; thinks being autistic is a get out of (literal) jail free card.
  • Current status: he is now harassing the cops in his town using the same tactics, which I'm sure will end well for him.

Fuck, that's a lot of info and it's only about 1/3rd of the info we have. Sorry for the length guys! I really wish I could just post a thread about him, but as mentioned, he doesn't have a web presence outside of harassing people that come onto his radar by happenstance, which is a shame because he is the perfect storm of lolcow traits: conspiratard, autism, troon (maybe), weeb, etc.
Update on "Jay":

Welp, folks, the autism finally caught up to him. At some point after making the original post, he got arrested for a final time, sat in jail for something like 200+ days for some reason and then finally got convicted and sent to prison at the end of last month, May 2019.

He's currently serving a 5+ year prison sentence (eligible for parole in 2022) because, as mentioned in my first post, he decided the cops in his local town were all on the Soros bankroll. This resulted in him threatening the local chief of police and trying to hack into his facebook, which finally brought the long arm of the law down on poor Jay's head. He got charged with 5 crimes (which included harassment, violating a court order to not contact someone, some computer charge stemming from the hacking, etc.), all 5 of which were felonies, and convicted on all counts. He got credit for time served, still has a long-ass sentence to sit out.

Godspeed, Jay, you furfag autistic conspiritard mentally ill mess, you.


i like my ouma pancakes with some oowada butter
snipped (cassie miIk parts one and two)
Senior year is finally over, and I have graduated from hellschool with just a little bit of my sanity left. I'm sad to leave my friends, but I'm also elated that I will never have to deal with little cunts like Cassie any time soon. I do have some end of the school year tard cum for y'all, though.

Like I said before, Cassie bullied her choir and band directors into using her fake Popular Tumblr Musical(TM) amalgamation abomination tucute name instead of her real name (even though she obviously had never felt a shred of dysphoria in her life and wears shirts that show off her bra straps, but at least now she bothered to get a that makes her look like a wannabe-emo lesbian). That includes her assigned auditorium seat for choir concerts, graced with a notecard taped on it with the name [Popular Tumblr Musical(TM) amalgamation abomination tucute name] a few days before the concert. Being the little shit that I am and wanting to stir the pot, and get a reaction out of the biggest attention whore on the face of the planet, saw the nametag and decided to sneak into the auditorium when no one was there, cross out the tucute name, and write her real name with a smiley face beside it. (NOTE: I do not condone this, and I really shouldn't have done it, although it provided some noice drama. My advice is to never do this, ESPECIALLY if the person in question is actually trans and not just a transtrending attention whore like this bitch.)

Cassie freaked out of course, and eventually found out it was me who did it. Surprisingly, I did not get in trouble, although one friend of mine ("Marlon") got mad at me for being "disrespectful", bitching at me that I needed to "be nice" even though she had shown me and everyone else nothing but disrespect all year. (Although to be fair, Marlon is nice to everyone, and he might not be aware of the more heinous things Cassie had done.) Instead of doing anything to get me punished, however, Cassie took matters into her own hands by being an even bigger bitch than usual. (On a semi-related note, Cassie somehow landed a solo in a song despite that solo not fitting her vocal range, and her not even being a good singer. Predictably, it sounded like shit.)

The concert came and went with no drama, and then came time for the music department award banquet. Like I said, Marlon puts up with Cassie for whatever reason, and she (along with the rest of my friends) sat with him. Not wanting to be alone, and hoping to obtain more miIk, I sat with the group anyway. Cassie, as usual, goes on and on about "omg look at how gay i am guys!!!1" and also, interestingly enough, how "my blood sugar is getting SO LOW guys omg when are we going to eat!!!!1" (I know she isn't diabetic, meaning she's probably becoming a munchie on top of a trender and general attention whore. I mean, you could also argue that she could be non-diabetic hypoglycemic, but that still not worthy of attention whoring about, as a fellow non-diabetic hypoglycemic. Also, ne interesting thing to note is that she had an "autism awareness" bracelet on. Maybe she's faking that too? I don't even know anymore.)

Our turn came to get food, and Cassie came back with FOUR WHOLE PLATES of food. I commented on the amount of food; the exchange went like this:
Me: "Hey are those all yours?"
Cassie: "Yeah, so?"
Me: "That's a lot of food..."
Cassie, loud enough for everyone in the room to hear: "YEAH I KNOW! YOU DON'T HAVE TO FUCKING JUDGE ME!!!!!!!!!!!"
Me: "damn dude i wasn't tryna be rude calm yourself"

Then the banquet continued as normal, with Cassie yammering about "omg im SOOOO food deprived at home!!!1", despite eating hardly any of the food she hoarded. A few minutes passed, and everyone at the table except me and Cassie went to throw away their plates.

"Why'd you do it?" Cassie stared daggers at me. I looked up, and then looked back down at my phone. "Why'd you do it?" I continued ignoring her because I didn't give a fuck, although in hindsight, it would have been fucking hilarious if I said "Because you're a cunt" instead.

"You're ignoring me because you know it was wrong." I rolled my eyes and continued ignoring her on my phone. Surprisingly, the rest of the banquet, as well as the award ceremony itself, carried on without incident.

The next Monday, in concert band (which I was now a part of due to finishing English early), our band director handed out graduation music. Being a senior, I made a lighthearted quip: "i dont have to learn any of this cuz im a senior ayeeeee"

Of course, Cassie took the opportunity to make a snippy remark: "Uhm, yeah you do."

"No, I don't. I've been in band for years, I know this."


"No, because the band plays during the procession. What, you expect me to just run over to a drum while I'm walking to my seat? Like I said, I've been in band for years. You've only been here for one." She kept her mouth shut for a while after that.

That is, until she got her trumpet out from the instrument storage room. As she walked into the band room, she looked me in the eye and said, "See, you can play a song." I had no idea what she was talking about, since there was nobody proving me wrong??? I ignored her and she didn't talk to me again after that.

I haven't had any interactions with Cassie since then. Frankly, I'm glad, because I probably would have had an aneurysm if I had to talk to that little cunt one more time. All in all, she's still a cunt, she's still a tucute, and she's still having phone sex with 20 year olds. Judging from her blood sugar spiel, as well as the tourette's/autism shit and attention whoring, my guess is that she's going to grow up to be a full-blown munchie, complete with an opiate addiction. I wish she could get the help she needs to grow into a functional adult, but I think she's too far gone at this point. I might visit the marching band during band camp/football games/homecoming and potentially get some more miIk depending on my situation (and if I have a car by then), but for now, the Cassie saga has come to a close.

PS: I don't have any more miIk on Horace, and I probably won't ever unless either someone tells me something groundbreaking about him, he's there when I come back and does something stupid, he finally gets arrested for sexual assault, or he troons out. (At this point, I believe the trooning out is the most likely. I follow some of his asspatters on social media, and I won't be surprised in the slightest if I see a post one day saying "zomg congratulations to HORACIA for coming out as a STRONG BRAVE TRANS WOMAN!!1" with shitty snapchat filters. It's pride month after all.) He did show up to afterprom, though, but I left early because it was boring as fuck, so I didn't get any miIk. He also showed up to our spring concert, and made a point to sit right next to Fiona in the performers' only seating even though he wasn't a performer. (We did a thing where alumni could play with us for a song that we played a few years back that is special to our band director. Horace didn't get to play because he sucks.)
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: MerriedxReldnahc


Patch / PatchHaven / awesomebooforums

This was a friend I had back years ago, and he is the textbook definition of a lolcow. Apparently his most recent charade was getting banned from Discord (yes, the whole platform) for his various antics including doxxing, harassment, posting private pics of someone in a mutual server, and god knows what else. He is pushing 30 now.

Before you ask: yes, he actually has Asperger’s or is on the spectrum. As we all know, this is no excuse for being a total ass. Also yes, pot calling the kettle black on a kettle forum in regards to doxxing, but the little self-awareness present and aggressive tone in these posts take it over the top.

I knew him back when Skype was popular, and we related to one another because of our “le rage at society” penchant. I was a lot more stupid and easily gullible at this time, so Patch used this to gain sympathy points and an ear from me. He would SCREAM at the top of his lungs at me for some stupid shit he was sperging out about, then cry violently afterwards, begging for forgiveness. He would blame his sperg-outs on familial abuse. Absolutely refused to seek therapy, though. I would take pity on him because he didn’t have many friends, and sometimes there would be rare glimpses of intelligent conversation or actual friendliness.

Patch is a massive /pol/-tard as well, regurgitating their common points, and wields them when something he doesn’t like happens, like, say, getting banned from a Discord server then ranting about it on 4chin:





He also has a YouTube channel with gems like these:

Boomer-tier rant about the big dumb cellphones

Random little things I remember about him. If I still have my old Skype logs I'll update this post with them:

- Big follower of Stefan Molyneux (or was at the time I was friends with him). Will often argue at length about why wimminz r bad and why they are money sucking vampires.
- Obsessed with MGS and especially Big Boss. Idolizes and envisions himself as such, probably because he feels constantly "punished" by other people and society for not sucking up to him or accepting his behavior.
- Diagnosed with Crohn's Disease which he believes was caused by him drinking gasoline at a young age.
- He, like many other socially isolated people, will try to justify degenerate things because they want to be "empathetic" or understanding of different perspectives (or just contrarian). Patch would rant about how he couldn't fuck 16 year old girls and that parts of Europe and Japan have it right. He is also friends with a ponyfag who often justifies beastiality (wow what a surprise).
- Canadian version of a NEET
  • Winner
Reactions: Crichax


Cartoon Graphics Hater
When I was 13, I was at a summer youth event where there was this very awkward kid from a town over: he wasn't weird in a traditional sense, but kept failing to understand basic things and would bitch nonstop about everything. (Un)fortunately, I never ran into him again...

...until college. Out of the several thousand freshmen in that one school alone, he managed to be one of the 20 or so in my English 101 class last fall. I immediately recognized him but gave him the benefit of the doubt because after all, we were in fucking middle school and he must've grown out of that. Within a month of both seeing him for myself and hearing stories from literally everyone I know who also had a class with him, it was pretty clear that he somehow managed to avoid ANY BRAIN DEVELOPMENT WHATSOEVER SINCE HE WAS 13.

Right now I'm taking a summer class which happens to have only one other traditional student: THAT. FUCKING. KID.

So anyway, this is just some of the shit he's done in college so far:
  • Raising his hand to whine to the English professor about not getting credit for a 2 on an AP exam
  • Someone very briefly mentioned "smartphones taking over our lives" while giving a presentation. When taking questions afterward, Mr. Dumbass asks him how he plans to deal with smartphones because "technology is the future". He then somehow got butthurt when they were trying to explain that they didn't mean we should live like the Amish, and melted down and turbosperged for nearly 5 minutes that their views are why we can't have nice things or some shit
  • Stood up to loudly brag about getting an 80 on an essay when literally everyone else got a 100 (that professor gives anything tangentially related to the assignment with semi-decent grammar and hits the word count a 100).
  • Telling his lab partners that he always refers to professors by their first names to remind them that they don't have any real power over us because we're also adults!!11 This was in the summer class where everyone but him and I are nontraditional students in their 30s.
  • Constantly asks for extensions on the summer class's homework (read: weekly online activities that take 10 minutes total). Professor has actually been granting these so far.
  • Never attends the summer class's lectures. Attendance is mandatory. He literally sits in the hallway and fucks around on his phone and laptop when he could just do that shit inside the classroom like I do.
  • When an Asian mom said she should beat his ass, he pulled a Boogie2988 and casually claimed he already gets beaten up every day to get pity points
  • Today, when he finally showed up to class on time, aforementioned Asian mom said he's just going to leave ten minutes after class starts, to which he mentioned that it's impossible to fail with that professor in that class (this is actually true under normal circumstances). The professor was already in the room at that time, and he repeated himself several times just to make absolute sure the professor heard him. The professor just said "yeah, don't count on it".
I just hope I'm in the class where he pulls this shit with a professor with a thick German accent.


Julie, Mr. 600... I'm making friends everywhere!
True & Honest Fan
I don't quite know where to go with this because it is so bizarre, so here I am. I'm gonna have to powerlevel a bit to even explain this but it might be worth it in the end, at least so I can get this off my chest.

I had a run in/accidental date with an bona fide ED lolcow. I won't post his ED page yet here, just because I am still trying to work this out in my brain as to what fully happened.

Long story short: I was in a Discord revolving around my state and meeting up to do activities IRL and had added him from /soc/ a while back, and he and I were in the same Discord. At first I thought he was joking, just like the other idiots in the Discord, but I guess he really actually was a racist /pol/ shithead. I don't know what to do really, I don't want him to encounter other people. I keep seeing him posting on websites and I have (I think) all three of his Discord accounts. It was just such a weird encounter.

Edit: Should I do anything? Do you think his ED page is enough to warn people? I'd feel bad about starting a thread but at the same time, he's kind of a shitty person.
Last edited:


Master of the fabled Tiananmen square dance
While I was at college I had my first encounter with a female to male troon, this was around six years ago and I was not the seasoned Internet user I am today. I had no understanding of troonism or SJW culture at the time, essentially you could say I lived under a rock at the time. After meeting an individual whom I shall refer to as Sam all of that changed. Well I met Sam in my first year of college in my sociology A-Level and who was incidentally in my tutor group also. We initially became friends as she was seemingly one of the friendliest people there, that said the blatant narcissism and obsession with identity, in particular their sexuality was rather evident. For many of your that would be a clear red flag but as I said before I was uninitiated at the time and she was a fan of dieselpunk and wolfenstein so I just Ignored it.

I should also give a brief description of she appearance, shes around shes around five foot two in height but her diameter is CONSIDERABLY wider. I couldn't give you an estimate of her weight but by all means is she a major lardass which further bodes ill for small stature. She also wears her hair quite short to further extenuate the bulldyke aura that she has about her.

Fast forward half a year and she simply stops interacting with me as much with little to no explanation, at the time I didn't really notice and didn't complain, her loudness and lack of social awareness or surroundings made my life less embarrassing with the entire class no longer being privy to our conversations nor with her casual accusations of nazism to political candidates (I should reiterate this was around 2015) It is only when I look back that It was me "dead naming" her unintentionally that caused her to stop interacting with me despite the fact I didn't even really know about trannies, at the time my only experience that could be considered even close was with cross dressers at the pantomime.

After she dropped off the grid, I did my time at college and went off to uni never expecting to see her again.

That was until this year, I has reconnected with an old friend of mine who I with college with and also attended my Uni, At the beginning of February she had a get together of sorts and invited me and one of my best friends. to my surprise she also invited Sam. Sam immediately began acting hostile to all the biologically male people in the house, and then proceeded to quarantine herself with another troon and the only two other girls at this party. From what I heard following the aftermath of night she just ranted about how white cis dudes are evil and other assorted talking points im sure we've all heard a million times already. From some of the limited interactions I had with her that night despite it being quite a few years since we last spoke shes gotten considerably worse. Firstly shes much fatter, as Id expected to be honest. Secondly shes a leech that takes no personal responsibly. My friend let her stay at her home for several days but also had to feed her and received no money or gifts in return. A particularly good example of her inability to take responsibility was her explaining how she lost her job at a nursing home "because she came out as trans" and funnily enough not because she had been late for work the day she was fired.

Im happy to tell you guys about the time we went clubbing if anyone is interested.
Last edited:


I met Crow in highschool. I had skipped school with my friend (a compulsive lying people pleaser and a person me and my best friend would turn into a trope to describe a type of person). We went to the house of a guy that much later became known as "Tweaker Mikey". I'm pretty sure I saw Tweaker Mikey on the streets of SF less than a month ago, homeless with his also-homeless mom. He crossed the street to go to a Peet's Coffee while the intersecting cars were on a green light. Cars stopped and honked at him, and he didn't pay attention to them as he hobbled forward and into the Peet's at the corner. He didn't recognize me, or at least not consciously.
Anyway, we went to Mikey's home. That was where I met both Crow and Mikey. Mikey had an alpha personality and Crow was his lackey.
Crow would give me gallon bottles of Jose Cuervo tequila that he had just stolen. He gave them to me for free a few times, which I though was odd, before he started charging me $5 per bottle. I would sell a personal water bottle to a person from one of my classes for $5, and he would immediately sell it to a girl for $5. I guess he just liked being a middle man. We'd do this exchange every day.

Eventually I started going to independent studies and became a bit of a shutin. Crow would sell me weed, and became one of the few people I called friends. He changed. Now he was surrounded by groups of people, many in highschool even though I was now out for a few months and he had graduated a year before. He was the anchor from which I got my social connection. He was also a compulsive liar, though of a different type than the person described before. And now he was a wigger as well. He became kind of a comical, extroverted character. He slowly became kind of a mess, and the group around him - including me - would kind of babysit him and pick up the pieces.

Fast forward nearly a decade, and the group around him is gone. He has a daughter that he never sees from a girl much younger than him. Gone is his glimmer of confidence. Gone are the sometimes-attractive girls I'd wonder how he'd get. Now he is more of a mess than ever. Totaled 3 cars last year while driving drunk. He's comical nature turned pity-seeking and depressing. There was a time when any given night of his would've made for a very entertaining, insane story (which, while it was depressing in its own was, was at least something). Not anymore.

He's developing potentially (likely) drug induced schizophrenia. He thinks one of 3 women, or all 3, have put a hit out on him. He thinks these people have essentially bugged his phone and are following him everywhere. The other night I made the mistake of letting him spend the night, and agreeing to drive him home the next day. I regretted it almost as soon as we met up. I didn't know he'd gotten so weird. The one rule I made was that he not get loud because I have a roommate. He then proceeds open my door to go to the bathroom, and stop at my doorway to talk loudly about how he likes one of my shoes on my shoe rack. He's loud and everything he's talking about makes me embarrassed to know him. In the middle of the night I wake up to him kind of yelling in his sleep for no reason. I angrily wake him up and he jumps up with his fists up trying to fight me and loudly saying "What nigga? What?" (Note that I've beat his ass a few times when we were younger, he knows he cant win in a fight, so he was literally just causing a scene for no reason). I kicked him out at 5am and had his mom texting me asking what happened. He is a grown man, why would his mom be involved?

Five years ago, he would've been a good lolcow. I could've probably made videos of him or something. Now he's too depressing for me to see again.
  • Feels
Reactions: goldslope


Life just kills me. Do you have any pot?
I only met this guy today and I don't even know his name, but this is literally the only place I could talk about him properly.

It was my first day at a new job today. Polexia is moving up in the world. I was working with someone who was training me when this Guy walks right up to us. He is wearing a too-big button down shirt which is not tucked in and which in fact has a large brown stain on the front, like he spilled coffee down himself. Just from his fucking face I can tell he's not right.

"How are you today?" she asks. "Inquisitive, thanks!!" he says. Oh. Good. Fucking. Lord.

He loudly and proudly informs us that he submitted an application a week ago and has come to check up on it! Because it's not like this is 2019, companies love when you disrupt the flow of business like that!

He's got the autism voice. Well, I should say the Asperger's voice. The vocal pattern, inflection, and volume just loud enough to be uncomfortable. My trainer radios for a manager and we wait, smiling at this guy with supreme discomfort as he tries to make witty conversation. It's immediately apparent that not only does he have the classically autistic lack of social graces, but some poor well-meaning soul (likely his mummy) has drilled into him the importance of being friendly and confident at all times, and he is going to live and die by that advice. He does that extremely irritating "trick" where he reads my nametag and addresses me by name. It's times like these where I miss the jobs that didn't require one. He's acting like a cocky little shit in a way that I usually expect to be followed by an inquiry into my sexual availability.

The manager finally comes, saints preserve us. He re-uses his oh-so-clever "Inquisitive, thanks!" line, which gets a startled chuckle from the manager just like it got one from my trainer. She politely and kindly explains to this sperg that the hiring manager is not in, but she will take his name and make sure his application gets looked at. Oh, I forgot - right after his little inquisitive joke, he said "I'm your new favorite!" and in a stage whisper said "I won't tell the others!!!!" Ha ha fucking ha, I'm going to die.

He continued to have a chat with the poor manager for a few minutes while my trainer went to show me something else. However his voice was so goddamn loud that I couldn't tune him out. He said that he's almost "resorted" to working at a Wal-Mart, but how this job would be so close to his house, it's perfect! Oh, there's a second location too? Even BETTER! Even closer to his house, that'll work out so well for him. Something about bragging about his work ethic, at this point I was really trying to pay attention to my trainer and not get sucked into the black hole of cringe that this guy was producing around himself.

I mentioned him in passing to the manager later. She said that she'll pass his info to the hiring manager, and he can make that final decision. I truly doubt that this guy could do any good in even the most entry level customer service position, so it's not likely he'll be hired, but it's been a long time since I was that genuinely rattled by the sheer force of secondhand embarrassment.

Anyone remember the secret Gamestop footage where Chris-Chan was buying the Pokeball and explaining to the associate all about Sonichu and how he was da creator and all of that shit? Honestly, it was exactly that sort of discomfort level, except I can't any real Kiwi points from the encounter with this sperg.

Julia Fortune

Very Real Online Girl
He loudly and proudly informs us that he submitted an application a week ago and has come to check up on it! Because it's not like this is 2019, companies love when you disrupt the flow of business like that!
Someone gave him a semi-right idea at least, you usually can get ahead of the call list by taking the initiative after you file an application. Though you want to actually schedule an appointment, preferably over the phone, and not just sperg your way through the ranks of the store haphazardly wearing baggy, dirty clothes with no attempt at looking presentable.
  • Agree
Reactions: Monika H.

About Us

The Kiwi Farms is about eccentric individuals and communities on the Internet. We call them lolcows because they can be milked for amusement or laughs. Our community is bizarrely diverse and spectators are encouraged to join the discussion.

We do not place intrusive ads, host malware, sell data, or run crypto miners with your browser. If you experience these things, you have a virus. If your malware system says otherwise, it is faulty.

Supporting the Forum

How to Help

The Kiwi Farms is constantly attacked by insane people and very expensive to run. It would not be here without community support.

BTC: 1DgS5RfHw7xA82Yxa5BtgZL65ngwSk6bmm
ETH: 0xc1071c60Ae27C8CC3c834E11289205f8F9C78CA5
BAT: 0xc1071c60Ae27C8CC3c834E11289205f8F9C78CA5
XMR: 438fUMciiahbYemDyww6afT1atgqK3tSTX25SEmYknpmenTR6wvXDMeco1ThX2E8gBQgm9eKd1KAtEQvKzNMFrmjJJpiino