Personal Lolcows -

CuntSnack

Your Pet Cat
kiwifarms.net
Anyone who typically preaches something which they don't apply to themselves. Basically behaving like the moral high-ground and acting like you're above people because you whine about trivial shit to make yourself look good. Commonly obese white feminist women.

Enterbots, or typically manchildren who revolve their entire personality over being a bitchy movie critic thinking they're funny and quirky without realizing that a lot of reviewers purposely exaggerate themselves in their shitty videos to attract viewers. Usually autists, but not always.
 
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TheBeanz

Heinz Meanz Beanz
kiwifarms.net
I occasionally shitpost in a couple of architecture groups on facebook. Generally the groups are full of mental, autistic socialist types who react explosively to any 'alt right troll account'.

One time last year I wound up in an argument with a man called Adam who took it to the DMs and opened with a story about him discussing fucking his sister & his cousin in a group therapy session. I'm still not sure what he was really driving at in the absolute walls of text he sent at me:
it begins.PNG

dont perpetuate the subthread!.PNG

edgy boi.PNG

going down the rabbit hole.PNG

The start of the real dissertation 4 hours after I stopped replying.PNG

not done yet.PNG

whos the real fool here.PNG

This guy was honestly one of the weirdest people I've ever dealt with. Obviously we've all seen much weirder on here, but the weirdest I've actually interacted with.
 

Monika H.

J̷̯̀ų̸͝s̷̖̏t̴̥̒ ̴̠͝M̴̜̽ó̴̧ń̶͎ì̷͖k̵̺̕a̷̲͝
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Okay, this one is an example of a lolcow turned well, but this person did so much shit in her teen years I could write a book.
Let's call her Mara.
She was one year my senior but was held back a year so we did high school together. Father was a policeman (that bailed her out a lot of times), no mention of a mother or other family. She was fairly hot if a bit on the anorexic side, but she was batshit crazy (by comparison she made Frau Himmler in her younger years look like a moody teen). She once assaulted me for not giving her a cigarette, and while I had something of an infamy for almost stabbing a guy when I was 16-17 (I was a little shithead I know) she actually did it to someone else, sent them to the hospital and somehow avoided jail (y'know, daddy was a cop).
She smoked, did drugs, drank, fucked random guys (and some girls) without condoms all, you can imagine.
A peculiar thing she got arrested for was that she got stopped by a patrol on the roadside at 3AM, while dragging some dead animal (a dog or a goat, I don't know the details) home.

However, there's something of an happy ending to her story.
When daddy got diagnosed colon cancer (a tragedy per se) and had to retire, this was some sort of wake-up call for Mara.
Now it's three-four years she has quit drugs, alcol and overall craziness; she works and is studying to become a nurse and has a stable long term boyfriend who helps her take care of her father.

Anyhow, she did so much stuff in her teens I have plenty of tales to share in the future, like when she almost set an abandoned farmstead on fire or fucked a wheelchair guy because of a "fuck you" joke taken literally.
 

The Pink Panther

Think Like Pink
kiwifarms.net
Okay, this one is an example of a lolcow turned well, but this person did so much shit in her teen years I could write a book.
Let's call her Mara.
She was one year my senior but was held back a year so we did high school together. Father was a policeman (that bailed her out a lot of times), no mention of a mother or other family. She was fairly hot if a bit on the anorexic side, but she was batshit crazy (by comparison she made Frau Himmler in her younger years look like a moody teen). She once assaulted me for not giving her a cigarette, and while I had something of an infamy for almost stabbing a guy when I was 16-17 (I was a little shithead I know) she actually did it to someone else, sent them to the hospital and somehow avoided jail (y'know, daddy was a cop).
She smoked, did drugs, drank, fucked random guys without condoms all you can imagine.
A peculiar thing she got arrested for was that she got stopped by a patrol on the roadside at 3AM, while dragging some dead animal (a dog or a goat, I don't know the details) home.

However, there's something of an happy ending to her story.
When daddy got diagnosed colon cancer (a tragedy per se) and had to retire, this was some sort of wake-up call for Mara.
Now it's three-four years she has quit drugs, alcol and overall craziness; she works and studying to become a nurse and has a stable long term boyfriend who helps her take care of her father.

Anyhow, she did so much stuff in her teens I have plenty of tales to share in the future, like when she almost set an abandoned farmstead on fire or fucked a wheelchair guy because of a "fuck you" joke taken literally.
you seem to have a lot of interesting stories on this site....
 
N

NP 901

Guest
kiwifarms.net
I don't think she's prolific enough for her own thread, so here's a bucket of crazy I found recently:
1566255911311.png

Offred Waterford (alias) / Maria Velovich (pen name - possibly also given name)
Other known alias: Amuneth (Allods Online) / Offred Waterford (LOTR Online)
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Maria is a woman who becomes OBSESSED with pop culture nerd fandoms, and always roots for the antagonists. Examples include the Lannisters from Game of Thrones, Boromir (not quite an antagonist) and Sarumon from LOTR, and most recently, Fred Waterford from The Handmaids Tale (THT).

Short background: The Handmaid’s Tale is a novel by Margaret Atwood, originally published in 1985. It recently re-emerged to prominence with a 2017 television adaption for the streaming platform Hulu. The Handmaid’s Tale tells the story of a woman set in a dystopian future in the city of Gilead. In this dystopian future, pollution and disease has caused humans to suffer limited fertility. To combat this, the ruling elite enslave fertile women to whelp their offspring. These enslaved women are re-named after the man whose offspring they are to conceive; if his name is Christian, she’d be named Ofchristian; If his name is Philip, she’d be named Ofphillip; and so on and so forth.

Maria's obsession with Fred Waterford has become so dramatic that as of August 27, 2017, she renamed her facebook profile to Offred Waterford. Since then, she has gone on an obsessive rampage defending her fictional lover's honor, and been banned from multiple THT facebook groups for being totally insane. In response to this, she has created her own fandom page for Fred Waterford. Her entire FB group is full of a whole cadre of different people, ranging from trolls, to serious TV fans, to role players, but queen of this particular corner of the internet is Maria herself.

1566255968598.png


One of Maria's posts:

1566256055974.png

Many women who watch THT are repulsed by the overarching themes of sexual slavery; Maria, on the other hand, basks in it and attacks any woman who doesn't want to be some random dudes personal baby slave. In classic cow fashion, Maria decries her 'haters' in various public screeds:

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Gets constantly banned from various fandom groups and complains about it:

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And sends THT fans who don't agree with her point of view long-ass PM's
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(screen capped by somebody else who drew all over it before it was sent to me)
When she's not busy shitting up facebook fandoms and screeching at other women, Maria enjoys collecting and displaying her creepy fucking dolls.
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(Above doll is allegedly male, btw)

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Notable red herrings: Maria will frequently refer to female friends as 'sister' but as far as I can tell there is no biological relation.

Facebook
Archive
The Handmaid's Tale - Team Commander Facebook Group
 

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Monika H.

J̷̯̀ų̸͝s̷̖̏t̴̥̒ ̴̠͝M̴̜̽ó̴̧ń̶͎ì̷͖k̵̺̕a̷̲͝
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I don't think she's prolific enough for her own thread, so here's a bucket of crazy I found recently:

Offred Waterford (alias) / Maria Velovich (pen name - possibly also given name)
Other known alias: Amuneth (Allods Online) / Offred Waterford (LOTR Online)










Maria is a woman who becomes OBSESSED with pop culture nerd fandoms, and always roots for the antagonists. Examples include the Lannisters from Game of Thrones, Boromir (not quite an antagonist) and Sarumon from LOTR, and most recently, Fred Waterford from The Handmaids Tale (THT).

Short background: The Handmaid’s Tale is a novel by Margaret Atwood, originally published in 1985. It recently re-emerged to prominence with a 2017 television adaption for the streaming platform Hulu. The Handmaid’s Tale tells the story of a woman set in a dystopian future in the city of Gilead. In this dystopian future, pollution and disease has caused humans to suffer limited fertility. To combat this, the ruling elite enslave fertile women to whelp their offspring. These enslaved women are re-named after the man whose offspring they are to sire; if his name is Christian, she’d be named Ofchristian; If his name is Philip, she’d be named Ofphillip; and so on and so forth.

Maria's obsession with Fred Waterford has become so dramatic that as of August 27, 2017, she renamed her facebook profile to Offred Waterford. Since then, she has gone on an obsessive rampage defending her fictional lover's honor, and been banned from multiple THT facebook groups for being totally insane. In response to this, she has created her own fandom page for Fred Waterford. Her entire FB group is full of a whole cadre of different people, ranging from trolls, to serious TV fans, to role players, but queen of this particular corner of the internet is Maria herself.



One of Maria's posts:


Many women who watch THT are repulsed by the overarching themes of sexual slavery; Maria, on the other hand, basks in it and attacks any woman who doesn't want to be some random dudes personal baby slave. In classic cow fashion, Maria decries her 'haters' in various public screeds:



Gets constantly banned from various fandom groups and complains about it:



And sends THT fans who don't agree with her point of view long-ass PM's





(screen capped by somebody else who drew all over it before it was sent to me)
When she's not busy shitting up facebook fandoms and screeching at other women, Maria enjoys collecting and displaying her creepy fucking dolls.




(Above doll is allegedly male, btw)



Notable red herrings: Maria will frequently refer to female friends as 'sister' but as far as I can tell there is no biological relation.

Facebook
The Handmaid's Tale - Team Commander Facebook Group
Jesus Christ.
I think you could actually give it a try on the Proving Grounds, maybe she's not very prolific but it wouldn't hurt for her to have her thread.
Archive everything for precaution also.
 

Monika H.

J̷̯̀ų̸͝s̷̖̏t̴̥̒ ̴̠͝M̴̜̽ó̴̧ń̶͎ì̷͖k̵̺̕a̷̲͝
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Do you have suggestions for archiving facebook? I tried archive.li but it threw up "must have a facebook account" errors.
Facebook has become a bitch for archiving as of late, you could try archive.fo or webrecorder, but the best idea would be making a throwaway Facebook account.
 

Gordon Cole

Give 'em something to remember like The Alamo
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Time to shake things up, not with another one of my cows, but my father's main cow that we'll call "Chimpy".

Chimpy works as a janitor, while Papa Hitler is in charge of maintenance, meaning that Papa outranks him despite working there for half the time. Papa jokingly speculated that Chimpy was one of the last kids to get Polio before the vaccine, because he slowly shuffled around everywhere even before he got old. He's phenomenally half-assed at his job, with some of his greatest hits including waxing the bathroom floors before scrubbing and drying them, Using incredibly caustic floor soap in lieu of hand soap, which was luckily caught by Papa before anything bad happened (and led to the bottle having a "Floor Soup" label written by Chimpy taped onto it), and even going as far as to try mixing bleach and ammonia, which hopefully many of you realize makes chlorine gas.

He's also the office punching bag largely through his ill-tempered behavior, such as continually complaining about how "the people up top are stealing all the money" and bitching every step of the way whenever he has to actually do his job, that is when he doesn't swat them off and shuffle away. He's also a target of Papa's, largely through shooting video on his phone of Chimpy doing nothing, with one video simply him reciting gibberish upon Papa turning the lights on in the break room. I now know being a shitlord runs in my family.

As to be expected, his personal life is a complete mess too. Before he decided to finally cave in and buy polo shirts, he used to wear what Papa described as "rags", with one such infamous shirt described as "A white t-shirt completely covered in stains, a neck stretched out to the bottom of his ribcage and crumpled in a ball and left under a couch for two years", which led Papa to outright complain to management. His car before it broke down had "plastic windows duct-taped to the outside frame, dents and chipped paint and an AC that for whatever reason shot out leaves and dirt".

His house is an abject disaster too, as it's a two-story house that for whatever reason is painted white everywhere except behind the bushes, with no heat, AC or cable, instead with an tube TV where he spends his days watching old fart movies and TV shows. He cools down by leaving all the windows open, which bit him in the ass when animals invaded one of his rooms. His solution was to lock the door and just not enter the room instead of chasing them out.

Despite all this, he hasn't been fired yet, largely because of the headache that comes with trying to fire a union member. Papa has told me that despite plugging away at being a universally loathed Jannie, Chimpy is actually independently wealthy, and considering the amount of pension time, time off, etc. he's accumulated over the years, he's actually losing money working than if he just stayed home for the rest of his life.

Papa has told me a thousand other stories about him, and I'll post updates if I remember/hear more.
 

lurk_moar

Wears a lab coat but curses like a sailor.
kiwifarms.net
My personal lolcow is a tard with ADHD who I briefly worked with at a tard factory, then copies me by going back to college.

Enter Tardette. I knew her from riding the bus in late elementary school , and she was a Walmartian when I worked there.

I got fired from Walmart. I am so bored being unemployed. With unemployment insurance. they basically want you to take any job or goodbye benefits. I was so desperate for work that I applied at a local job not knowing it was the local tard factory. I take the job. I did not work with Tardette until all shifts combine. Tardette found me on Facebook, added me, and refused to STFU whenever I logged on, so no more Facebook for me.Tardette has the personality and conversation skills of a NPC townsperson in an RPG. Not only do her social skills suck, but she sounds like she inhales helium and laughs at everything.. Me being fed up working at a tard factory applies to the local community college, Tardette wants to too.

Tardette being a hypersexual tard like our favorite female lolcow gets terminated for dating the manager. The office manager went out on a couple outings like a movie and dinner with Tardette. Tardette thinks they are just friends, I think this is completely ethically wrong. After her termination work makes her she a psychologist. I get a break from Tardette until second year of college. Oh yeah in this period she gets a job at a daycare then gets laid off. Since when do daycare s lay off?

She takes up culinary. Hallelujah the angels are singing. She is more obnoxious than a crack monkey ODing on crack, meth, and caffeine at the same time. You can hear the little bitch laugh in the cafeteria since it is the only place close enough to study and work on homework before and after class. Her classmates hate her, and she gets bullied. They only let Tardette bake cookies and make salad. Before I left for my internship, she needed help assembling motherfucking burgers. The two culinary aids were always with her and never left her alone.

Enter Spring semester. I am off to my internship gaining the skills I need for my real job instead of theory and book knowledge. Enter Tardette again. She barely passed fall semester with C’s. Now, Spring semester grades, she fucking failed computer applications and got a D in a culinary class. Tardette bitches and moans that she did nothing to nobody, so why would they put her on academic probation? I told her she needs to make up those classes, and that you need a minimum 2.0 GPA to graduate college. After I told her this, she refused to take my advice by repeating those classes. It’s all in the student handbook online.

Her study habits are deplorable. She hangs out at Walmart all the time after school, never studies while waiting for the bus, or watches YouTube videos about culinary skills. On top of that, her time management skills suck donkey balls. Example she will take the bus home from college, then call the buss again to shuffle her re-tarded ass to the gym which is a block away from the motherfucking school. I told Tardette that the school has a gym, and that she can keep her gym clothes in a motherfucking locker. She doesn’t listen. I gave the little tard advice on how to succeed in college, but she would rather pretend she is in the sped classes again and not real college.She hates how the straight A students pick on her. Tardette wants me be a sous chef, and tells me that after she graduates from culinary she will go back to college for gen ed classes. I asked why. Her response I don’t know which is her answer to everything.

Take two August. Tardette had an appointment with her advisor. Advisor didn’t mention anything about repeating classes or GPA but about a tutor. Tardette will have a rude awakening when she cannot graduate. The classes this year will be even harder yet. Will Tardette make it to Spring semester? Is a ethical to give a sub-70 IQ person student loan debt?

Random thought. Tardette collects tugboat for ADHD. She can only work part time. Won’t a chef’s salary if I am super duper :optimistic: cut her tugboat off?
 
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