Personal Lolcows -

saralovesjuicyfruit

kiwifarms.net
This isn't someone who is in my life anymore, but I have a cringey story related to this person that you guys would probably enjoy.

Back when I was on Facebook, there was this guy on my friend list. We had mutual friends just as a result of our common niche interests, both knew a number of people in the local alternative/musical theater scene, which was fairly close-knit in the city. He was like 20+ years older than most of us, single, still lived with his parents, kind of a big whiner, but not insufferable.
If you're familiar with Facebook, you know that there are different privacy settings you can choose for each post, one of them being 'custom'. The custom setting allows you to make the post visible to only certain people. I started to notice one night that most of his posts in my news feed showed up with that custom icon. I hovered over it on one post about his cats, and it showed me a list of names. I hovered over it on another post where he was 'tfw no gf' posting, and it showed me a different list of names, all female, some of which I recognized from our mutual friends. Shocked but curious, I went to his timeline and looked at his post history and came to realize this guy had me on two lists: cat people, and women whom he wanted to pity him and his incel lifestyle.

This was totally a temporary glitch and I was never supposed to be able to see that information, but boy did it change the way I looked at that guy.
 

An Sionnach Seang

Justin Bieber shit's like a cat!
kiwifarms.net
we have a company accountant who is legitimately autistic; from here on in I shall call him Autistic Accountant or AA for short

he's equal parts sadcow and infuriatingcow

he's a fully qualified accountant, and was employed partly as a favour, partly to give him a leg up onto the career ladder (because he couldn't get a job anywhere else), and partly for us to get a company accountant who won't commit embezzlement (in his case, due to a severe lack of imagination)

he's physically 28, but has a mental age of about 10; in other words, he is literally a man-child
he has no initiative or sense of independence whatsoever, speaks in a loud monotone, pronounces many words elaborately, handles deviations from his normal routine very poorly, and has no idea of how conversations work - he'll frequently butt in when other people are talking, only to be told "just a minute AA"

if he's feeling particularly restless, he'll compulsively roll a hoarded bunch of rubber bands between his hands, get up from his chair, jog/run to the door and go back again, sometimes moaning "mnuuuuhhhh" and snapping his fingers - and he'll do this every 2-3 minutes
he has such a severe case of ants in his pants that only a fumigator can get rid of them

his impromptu athletics are mildly amusing from a distance, but when you're sat at the next desk, trying to do next two weeks' production planning, and you're nursing a hangover, it's enough to drive you up the wall

he used to handle customer returns, but that job was delegated to others due to the sheer volume of empty packaging and utter shite that built up around his desk, and filled up the footwell under my desk

my colleague R is his tard wrangler by default; she's kind-hearted, charitable, has a small child at home and knows exactly how to deal with him

he lives in a suburb of a nearby town and rides two buses to get to work; when one of them is delayed or cancelled (due to a driver ringing in sick), he believes it's the result of a conspiracy against him and works himself up into a huge froth

he is utterly terrified of thunderstorms, and believes that he will personally be struck by lightning, despite the fact our workplace is deep in the depths of two river valleys and there are much taller buildings around us that would be much more likely targets for lightning
he is also afraid of rain and cars with invisibility cloaks

last summer there was a particularly violent thunderstorm; when he freaked out I was on the shop floor, but I heard the blood-curdling screech and it told me all I need to know

he has no shame at all, and has loudly burst into tears on at least two occasions; I left the room because I was embarrassed on his behalf

he could have a much better life if he took mood stabilisers like fluoxetine or citalopram, but no, he refuses to take any medication whatsoever
 
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Travis Touchdown Cumsock

What an absolute travesty.
kiwifarms.net

Highlights:

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ertterterter.png

werwerwerwer.png


Basically this person OD'd on blue pills and just went so far off the deep end I'm worried he's going to snap on someone IRL.

There's also public harassment posts in there about the dumbest shit imaginable.
 

Hechter

Professional cynic.
kiwifarms.net
So I recently came across someone on the DeviantArt forums who may be my favorite person ever now. I've lamented plenty of times how one of my favorite cows, FrenchQueen13 is long gone, but I've found someone far better. Meet ElviraCheyenne666! https://www.deviantart.com/elviracheyenne666
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/Gothchick66613
View attachment 943217
(Not her own art, this was commissioned from another artist. Also yes, that is the Eraserhead baby.)

She is a self-proclaimed spirit medium, "Lovecraftian Satanist", and loving wife to her astral husband Charles II of Spain, who you may know as the most glorious example of Hapsburg inbreeding. First thing you'll notice is the amount of images from LadyAlt69 that she's favorited (another fave cow of mine). Another thing you'll notice is the horrifying amount of dolls in her gallery. These are reborn dolls, which harbor the spirits of her astral spirit children. She has gone into great detail, too much detail, about her adventures in potty training said dolls. https://www.deviantart.com/elviracheyenne666/art/Baby-Makes-3-759323659
Baby Makes 3
By Cheyenne/Elvira
Elvira was pretty much your average housewife and stay at home mom. She had a loving husband and a 2-year-old son like any other woman like her.
The only difference was that she was a witch and the Antichrist and daughter of Satan himself and her husband the ghost of an inbred Spanish king who was the last of his line and had been dead close to 400 years and her baby was a ghost baby possessing a reborn toddler doll. At least that's what she told herself.
It was evening and she was in bed cuddling her toddler son and husband. Charles, her husband, possessed her dakimakura body pillow, which had a case of 2 anime girls rather than the case of his portrait at the moment.
Charlie, her 32-month-old son, possessed his reborn baby doll vessel that looked exactly like his spirit form save for its hair being slightly shorter and straighter than his long strawberry blonde curls but the color and texture pretty much the same and every other details of the doll nearly exact.
He was wearing My Little Pony toddler pajamas with Pinkie Pie hopping and Rainbow Dash flying through the clouds on top and pants and Cinderella socks with his Loony Tunes print diaper underneath his pants, freshly changed before bed after a wetting, sucking his pacifier and cuddling his stuffie Beast of Beauty And The Beast, cuddling between his mother and father.
Charlie was 2 years and 8 months old, but had developmental delays and health issues inherited from his father. He had only said his first word his 2nd birthday 8 months ago and was still barely speaking sentences, couldn't walk yet and was still crawling and just barely standing.
He wore diapers still with no potty training attempts just yet as his parents wanted to wait until he could at least stand, but to be honest, 2 was a bit early for that anyways in their opinion.
Due to his congenital jaw deformity and health issues, he was still breastfed by his mother and bottlefed formula and her breastmilk and had to be spoonfed baby food, and was on a vegan diet due to his health issues.
He also took a pacifier, which he suckled on at the moment. His mother cradled the child, then feeling his diaper swell as she realized he had possibly wet or messed himself, possibly both. Charlie began to spit out his pacifier and cry and say "I go pee-pee an poo-poo Mami!" over and over.
"Hang on baby, Mami will change your diadie!" Replied Elvira. "Si Mami, I make wet-wets, pee-pee!" Sobbed Charlie. "And poo-poos too, right?" Elvira questioned the small Habsburg toddler. Charlie nodded between sobs.
Charles took his son in his arms from his mother, and said to him, "Papi will change you, okay bebe?" "Si papi, change!" Replied Charlie to his father, whom he was actually a clone of.
Charles got up, carrying the sobbing, drooling baby version of himself, and took him over to the changing table right next to Charlie's crib, which he honestly usually only spent his 3 daily naps in rather than bedtime, which was usually in bed with Mami and Papi.
Charles and Elvira had attempted to sleep-train Charlie to sleep in the crib at night since his birth nearly 3 years ago, but they had pretty much given up attempting to stop bedsharing with him at this point.
It made nightly diaper changes and feedings so much easier, especially since Elvira breastfed Charlie and Charles gave bottles and he often wet and messed heavily at night. Charlie still needed hourly feedings and changes and sleeping with his parents actually helped him sleep the whole night through most nights and made the feeding, burping, and changing easier on them and him all.
Charles laid Charlie on the changing table and took off his pajama pants and lifted his pajama shirt and undid his diaper. He had wet and messed pretty heavily, but wasn't leaking or blown out thankfully.
Charles took the soiled diaper and threw it in the diaper genie, wiped Charlie's penis, testicles, vagina, and bottom, and put baby powder on those areas as well, and left him in a clean My Little Pony pull-up diaper, which was actually meant to be potty training pants and Charlie definitely wasn't there yet, but his parents had bought them for him to use as diapers because he wanted them because of the pony designs.
He pulled up his MLP PJ pants over the fresh diaper and pulled down his PJ top, and kissed his baby and said, "All better now Charlie!" Charlie smiled and giggled and hugged his father. "Gwacias Papi!" "De nada bebe!"
He handed the soothed toddler back to his mother as Elvira's breasts began to leak and Charlie began to tug at them. “Nurse!” Said Charlie. “Yes, it is time for his feeding now.” Said Elvira as she looked at the clock. She popped one breast out of the top of her nightgown and let Charlie latch on and take suck.
He nursed for a while until then she realized the baby had fallen asleep on her breast, a common occurrence most nights. She gently unlatched his mouth as not to wake him and put her breast back in her nightie, snuggled close to her child, saw that her husband had fallen asleep, and promptly followed the two and nodded off herself.
The end!




https://kiwifarms.net/javascript:void(0);
Here are the details of one of her kid's Satanic Christining:
View attachment 943215

Here is the lady herself, plus a bit about her: https://www.deviantart.com/elviracheyenne666/art/Our-Story-718903287
View attachment 943221
She's a forum frequenter, and actually very nice one, but everything she posts is just a little....weird.
View attachment 943226
Why deformed Charles???
 
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MerriedxReldnahc

World's Okay-est Proctologist
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Why deformed Charles???
Maybe Louis XVI is too basic of a royal husbando? But seriously I think it's all to be quirky and edgy, picking the most famously ratchet looking dude and fawning over him. She's a little on the ratchet side herself so maybe she feels drawn to him in wonky-person solidarity.
If it wasn't for all the photos of dolls and custom body pillows and whatever random crap she's hoarding in her apartment I'd totally think she was an elaborate ruse. Her persona is going in like, six different edgelord directions at once.
 

Hechter

Professional cynic.
kiwifarms.net
Maybe Louis XVI is too basic of a royal husbando? But seriously I think it's all to be quirky and edgy, picking the most famously ratchet looking dude and fawning over him. She's a little on the ratchet side herself so maybe she feels drawn to him in wonky-person solidarity.
If it wasn't for all the photos of dolls and custom body pillows and whatever random crap she's hoarding in her apartment I'd totally think she was an elaborate ruse. Her persona is going in like, six different edgelord directions at once.
The weirdest thing about this is that sped Charles was impotent
 

Alto

To the stars!
kiwifarms.net
Literally just found out yesterday that a girl I used to attend high school with was caught raping a kid while she was working at the middle school I attended. I remember her being this queen bee member of the color guard that loved to bully her way into things. Apparently she claims the kid she raped took her virginity and she was in love with him. Seeing her face on the news was shocking, but lulzy. This shit went public last year and I didn't find out till just now.

Pedos come in all shapes and sizes, kiwis. Keep little Timmy and Kimmy away from overly-friendly creeps.
 

MerriedxReldnahc

World's Okay-est Proctologist
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I live near this metaphysical store that always provides me with lots of entertainment value. It's actually a neat store if you're a rock/crystal enthusiast, but they don't carry just *any* crystals! These are the crystals for energy healing reikei therepy aura energy field bullshit. These are the crystals that you wave around the laxitives at Whole Foods. Every nutty woo aficionado in the county has set foot into this establishment and most likely taken one of their crystal ball classes (just $80!) or their angel guardian stuff workshop (like, $200). They used to have a regular feature in our town's newspaper ( which tells you how little news there is to report here) and one of the ladies interviewed recounted an experience on 9/11 when she had a vision of angels decending from Heaven to rescue the souls of the victims. I follow them on instagram to see what really great things are going on (like some kind of brass bowl sound healing thing as of a few weeks ago).

This month they're showcasing an assortment of admittedly really fuckin' cool crystal skulls. The one time I braved entering their establishment (which was actualy very pleasent) I bought a cute little amethyst skull so I'm not allowed to make fun of the crystal skull enthusiasts. Except these people also use dowsing rods to measure the energy field of said skulls, which they demonstrated in a recent instagram story. My mom's woo-tastic coworker )whose diet is 80% weed and other CBD products) recently bought the very skull they demonstrated on.
Yesterday they posted a really illuminating story to go with their daily skull:

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Well Kiwis, do YOU want to experience this skull? I must not be using my skull correctly, Mr. Chuckles never says anything to me.
 

mr.moon1488

True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Likely this nigger. One of those kinds of dudes that always seeks out arguments, but gets buttblasted by the most benign shit.

thisnigger.PNG
 
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PotatoSalad4711

You should see my scars
kiwifarms.net
I rarely get on Facebook anymore, but when I do...

I present Nik Lensing, a borderline pedo and tattoo artist. His kids have two different mothers, both of which were clients and 19 when they gave birth. He’s 43.

He only has his kids three days a week due to shared custody (he is not in a relationship with either mom), but this hilarious GoFundMe still got shared:
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Despite his almost 1,000 FB friends, he had zero donations last I checked.
 

MerriedxReldnahc

World's Okay-est Proctologist
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Elviracheyanne666 may be one of those people who googles herself because I don't know how the fuck she found that post I made. She was upset enough about the implication that she's trolling to make both a forum post and a status about it.
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*Edited to include thread link where she insists to several people she is not schizophrenic https://forum.deviantart.com/devart/general/2539565/?offset=0#comments
 
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DuckSucker

kiwifarms.net
Yo I dont wanna be a bitch because I doubt she will be a lolcow much longer but Kaceytron is having like a benzo episode and kicking over her "ways you can make money to make me money" sign and has apparently alienated all her friends. Looking at her latest livestream I see why. Worth a save on twitch, she had another fit a while back but I didnt save that one.

She rips a bong like every 4 seconds on stream and says she takes bars on top of it, its not a bad combo but it must be for her. Shes fucking insane.

She kicked her easel so hard on stream that it knocked a hole in the drywall of her trailer.
 

Mercy

You really should take better care of yourself
kiwifarms.net
Elviracheyanne666 may be one of those people who googles herself because I don't know how the fuck she found that post I made. She was upset enough about the implication that she's trolling to make both a forum post and a status about it.
View attachment 984168View attachment 984170View attachment 984171
*Edited to include thread link where she insists to several people she is not schizophrenic https://forum.deviantart.com/devart/general/2539565/?offset=0#comments
Didn't she literally have an account here? I remember her posting in the Waifu thread in Community watch.

I love him for various reasons too long to list.
Yeah, here it is.
 
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TheImportantFart

Ronnie Barking Spider
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
So...

@CWCissey, @dunbrine47, @Kiwi Lime Pie, @ToroidalBoat, @Adamska, @The Un-Clit, @Shitassdeaddude, @Gordon Cole, @vertexwindi, @Crichax, @Overcast, @Xerxes IX, @REGENDarySumanai @yasscat (if I forgot to tag anyone, I am so sorry. Let me know and I'll make sure you're in future alerts).

I have just been sent something very special indeed on the Rufus front. I'm still reading through it all, but because I love you all, I'll be putting it up very soon as an early Christmas/late Halloween present. I will try and put the post up either today or tomorrow depending on how I get on, but otherwise it will have to be next week as I'm travelling after that.

Keep an eye on this thread, clear some space in your diary, grab the :popcorn: and get excited though, because this is the hardest I've ever laughed at a Rufus update, and I still haven't read everything I've been sent.

I will leave you with this little teaser for the time being though:

Every Saga has an ending....

Don't panic. That clue isn't meant to imply Rufus is dead. He's still very much alive. As you'll soon see.

Stay tuned...
 
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yasscat

picture a cat that is also a bumblebee
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
So...

@CWCissey, @dunbrine47, @Kiwi Lime Pie, @ToroidalBoat, @Adamska, @The Un-Clit, @Shitassdeaddude, @Gordon Cole, @vertexwindi, @Crichax, @Overcast, @Xerxes IX, @REGENDarySumanai (if I forgot to tag anyone, I am so sorry. Let me know and I'll make sure you're in future alerts).

I have just been sent something very special indeed on the Rufus front. I'm still reading through it all, but because I love you all, I'll be putting it up very soon as an early Christmas/late Halloween present. I will try and put the post up either today or tomorrow depending on how I get on, but otherwise it will have to be next week as I'm travelling after that.

Keep an eye on this thread, clear some space in your diary, grab the :popcorn: and get excited though, because this is the hardest I've ever laughed at a Rufus update, and I still haven't read everything I've been sent.

I will leave you with this little teaser for the time being though:

Every Saga has an ending....

Don't panic. That clue isn't meant to imply Rufus is dead. He's still very much alive. As you'll soon see.

Stay tuned...
you did not tag me and I am offended.
 

CWCissey

Charming Man
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
So...

@CWCissey, @dunbrine47, @Kiwi Lime Pie, @ToroidalBoat, @Adamska, @The Un-Clit, @Shitassdeaddude, @Gordon Cole, @vertexwindi, @Crichax, @Overcast, @Xerxes IX, @REGENDarySumanai @yasscat (if I forgot to tag anyone, I am so sorry. Let me know and I'll make sure you're in future alerts).

I have just been sent something very special indeed on the Rufus front. I'm still reading through it all, but because I love you all, I'll be putting it up very soon as an early Christmas/late Halloween present. I will try and put the post up either today or tomorrow depending on how I get on, but otherwise it will have to be next week as I'm travelling after that.

Keep an eye on this thread, clear some space in your diary, grab the :popcorn: and get excited though, because this is the hardest I've ever laughed at a Rufus update, and I still haven't read everything I've been sent.

I will leave you with this little teaser for the time being though:

Every Saga has an ending....

Don't panic. That clue isn't meant to imply Rufus is dead. He's still very much alive. As you'll soon see.

Stay tuned...


Rufus is in jail isn't he?
 
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