Personal Lolcows -

Agoraphobic Bullshit

The Town Crier and Boozehound
kiwifarms.net
I'm surprised he was able to work on an Oil Rig at all given how hideously dangerous they can be to its workers. Especially the old ones out in the sticks that haven't been completely modernized.
Most of us were surprised about that, but we know he lived in communal housing with some old roughnecks. From what I could tell, the other guys put him in line in a way we didn't care enough to. He wasn't with the rigs very long after we kicked him out.
 

Puar

It's been fun here. Taking my leave.
kiwifarms.net
So to what @Lampey said a few months ago. Arcine and his alts on Gamefaqs are really idiotic. They all have the same exact typing and like an autistic game such as Project X Zone.

From one of his many alt posts...



A "petition" to remove a Pokemon he dislikes from Sword/Shield.


"SWORD AND SHIELD BORE ME!"


Generic Smash BS

I heard this guy is in his 30s or so. Who painted a person as the bad guy, because they don't like their shitty crossover game. He believes a Project X Zone 3 is being made at the moment, then said they aren't. Which is it?
 
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MerriedxReldnahc

World's Okay-est Proctologist
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Friends, in the spirit of the Holiday season, I think it's about time that I share with you my own family lolcow. My grandmother who I love very much seperated from my grandfather many years ago (and he went on to marry and absolute nutbar of a woman, just look at one of my oldest posts in this thread) and married a man I'll call Fat Bastard. Absolutly fucking nobody in the entire family likes Fat Bastard and I'm not sure how they ended up together but it happened and now we're stuck with this leech until he chokes to death on an ice cream bar.

Fat Bastard is a NEET. Not retired, not out of work due to injury, just straight fucking unemployed becasue he thinks he's too good for any job around. He is around 60 and has been unemployed for most of my 26 years of life. The employment that he's had remains shrouded in various levels of vaguery and no one really cares enough about him to ask. He has some kind of engineering degree from the local uni, and at one point he was a head honcho at a local plant of some sort. Or so he claimed. Somewhat recently my uncle had a conversation with someone who worked at the same plant and when Fat Bastard's name came up, the gentleman remarked that he knew him and worked on the assembly line with him. The assembly line. My family isn't the sort to judge you based on your job, so to us there is no shame in being an assembly line guy. It's silly to even think of it as shameful. But Fat Bastard saw the job as humiliating drudgery and instead chose to lie to his family that he was a company big-shot.

He left that job or got fired or something vague, and my uncle got him a job at a grocery store which lasted a short amount of time becasue of the whole "being a hateable bastard" thing. That job must have been a crushing blow to his ego, as he loved telling my uncle how he'd never amount to anything and would be stuck working at a grocery store for the rest of his life. Well FB got fired from one while my uncle is currently an assistant store manager of one. After this, FB spent some time looking for a job but not really as he is clearly far too good to be flipping burgers or stocking shelves. Many years went by and he finally did find a position about 2 hours away. That's one hell of a commute to do daily, so he ended up getting a little apartment nearby and coming home to our area on the weekends. No one has a single idea what his job was, I don't think Grandma even knows. It was some vague engineering "project" that lasted maybe two or three years before the "job ended". Some people might think that with a arrangment like that he might have had an affair going on, but I can assure you that this man is pretty repulsive-looking and possesses no redeeming qualities.
That was several years ago and now I don't think he's even looking for a job anymore, he's living off of my Grandma's social security and handouts from my great-grandpa. Grandma herself no longer works due to a bad workplace injury and her boss being a fucking tool about it, so the last thing she needs is this big manbaby spending her retirement fund on stupid boomer gadgets and junk food. Speaking of junk food-

Alright, I'll admit he's actually not "fat" anymore so the nickname is outdated. But he used to be fat and he's still a bastard. About 13 years ago, El Bastardo Gordo underwent a gastric bypass to un-fat himself. Unfortunatly he did not die on the table, but at least my grandma didn't have to end up going through with the lawsuit he had planned in the event that he did. We got to hear plenty of stories of how he was now explosievly shitting everywhere which I'm starting to think isn't actually a common side effect of the surgery. He did end up losing weight but he looks fucking terrible. He never was that tolerable looking but after the surgery the strain of recovery must have hit him like a dump truck. You'd think he was about ten years older than my grandma, who is actually ten years older that him. While he never piled all the weight back on, his snacking habit has added some poundage in a very unfortunate way. He's ended up with this really weird bowling-pin type physique. He also:

-can no longer eat large amounts of salad and avoids leafy greens becasue it triggers his "massive explosive shit" problem. It has nothing to do with the multiple kinds of ice cream bars, candies, chocolates, pop tarts, cookies, and diet soda that he keep in the house. It is very clearly salad. One year at a family gathering he made the mistake of eating salad along with his big serving of mashed potatoes, steak, ham, rolls, ice cream, pie, cookies, and more than enough appitizers for 4 people, and on the way home got hit with the oncoming thundershits and made my grandma stop at the fuckin' casino so he could evacuate all that pesky salad. And you know, while they're there, might as well play the slots right?
(this might have also been the year he had a McDonald's coupon on him and got a McMuffin on the way over but I'm sure that it was also totally unrelated. It was clearly that salad. )

-still acts like an invalid 13 years after the procedure. He lives in his living room chair with his massive TV facing him and his laptop set up on his hospital-style tray table thing so he can do his boomer Facebooking while watching garbage TV. Grandma brings him food that he proceeds to eat in his chair. This Christmas Eve Grandma had to ask him 3 times to come help her with the ham carving becasue he was too busy languishing in his chair talking my dad's ear off about how Jabba the Hutt could have raped Princess Leia and impregnated her thus explaining Rey's parentage. He didn't come help until after I had already attempted to do it myself. Motherfucker sleeps in the chair becasue he insists that the surgery made it hard for him to lie down. As it turns out, spending hours of your life sitting is really bad for you. Specifically your asshole. A few years ago he had to get polyps removed from his rectum which is hilarious and everyone in the family wanted to hear about his asshole surgery. Becasue he's an asshole.

-his body's metabolism has transmutated itself into such a configuration that he metabolizes alcohol in a different way or something, and for that reason breathalyzers show him as being drunk when he's not actually drunk, which leads us to....


He got a DUI. He says he didn't. There is nothing he can possibly say to change that fact despite his best efforts to claim it wasn't a DUI and that there was some nefarious work going on. He and grandma went wine tasting and on the ride home somehow got involved in a bizarre car chase that he claimed involved (depending on when he told the story) a truck being chased by Fish and Wildlife plus three police cars, or three police cars chasing after Fish and Wildlife. He claimed that he joined in on the chase for some godforsaken reason and the police pulled him over and acted "suspiciously" as they asked him what the fuck kind of mongo he was. This man drives like a maniac on a regular day so I don't imagine drunk-civilian-car-chase Fat Bastard is much better. He was a bastard to the cops I assume, so they ordered a breathalyzer and becasue of the magical alcohol metabolizing anomaly that he possesses now he registered as being under the influence when he was totally not, you guys. Basically he got arrested and taken in but it wasn't a DUI, just something that sounds exactly like a fuckin' DUI. FB doesn't know this, but one of my relatives has had a DUI in the past. Upon hearing Bastard's account of being processed at the station he could confirm that yes, it was a goddamn DUI.

Fat Bastard has some pretty spergy behaviors not in the "holy shit sonic the hedgehog is great" sense, but in the "I posess no social grace whatsoever, please listen to me cackle about how my father died in my arms" sense, or the "flip flops are a totally appropriate thing to wear to the store despite my webbed feet and conjoined toe." sense. Yes, you read that right. He's got webbed fucking feet and a conjoined toe on each foot. His feet have the Innsmouth look. Hell, his face is pretty Innsmouth too. If you ever see a fish-man walking around wearing a Big Dogs shirt talking about his great Groupon deals, then congratulations, you probably just saw Fat Bastard.

But point is, this guy is clueless to what a tool he sounds like and acts like. It doesn't help that he's one of those people that says "You Know" as a filler word, and he does so every few words. He is beyond grating to listen to. He posesses nothing that would resemble empathy or awareness. This man once spent Christmas Eve dinner talking about how in high school he had to wrestle a kid whose whole body had a ton of oozy zits that he was popping before the match, and how another time he and a buddy got really loaded on vodka and someone got vomited on during a match. (To be fair, that was the year I brought over a cherry jello salad specifically becasue I know he hates cherry and I was trying to make him look like a dick for not eating any. That might have been my karma.)

We had one terrible Christmas where my Uncle's psycho ex-girlfriend was attempting to #MeToo him on Facebook and he was trying to do damage control for several days (thankfully everyone thought she was nuts, so he came out unscathed) and Fat Bastard thought it would be really helpful to compare that to when he fell for some phishing scam and "they got into his Google and it was displaying it in Korean". That started a dreadful row and my Uncle hasn't gone to their house for Christmas eve ever since. The year after the incident we didn't do Christmas eve there at all, and it was looking like Fat Bastard straight up ruined Christmas forever.

He's fully convinced he's a well liked member of a family that hates him and laughs at him from literally behind his back. He has this stupid photography hobby where he takes candid pictures of the family at gatherings and then we never see the photos again. Each year he will wrangle us into a group photo that we will never once see and we joke about that while it's happening. He has hundreds if not thousands of photos saved away and it's borderline creepy. (He once showed us a scrapbook of photos he took at some women's vollyball event, which was all-the-way creepy.)

I should also mention that Bastard is someting of a hoarder. Not in the horrifically disgusting piles of garbage everywhere way, but he buys huge amounts of things from Costco that he really doesn't need. His stuff invades every space in the house. The kitchen table is covered, the bar usually covered and my grandma has to ask him to move his crap if I come over to make cookies. The guest bedroom is packed with shit, can't hardly even see that it used to be my mom's room. Some of her toys, my uncles toys, and my own are all hiding in there somewhere but they've become buried under the growing hoard of Fat Bastard.
I'm sure there's more that I'm forgetting, but I've written quite the novel already.

*edit* What an absolute fool I am to not remember the time he essentially threw a silent tantrum in a steakhouse. Grandpa K and a few other relatives came down to visit and we went to this great steakhouse and Fat Bastard was pissy because he wanted to eat at the Italian place (also great) that he married Grandma at. He read a newspaper at the table and sent his delicious looking, most likely very tender and well-prepared pork chop back for being allegedly so tough he couldn't cut through it. The owner himself came to apologise and FB just waved him away like a bothersome fly. If I had more nerve back then I'd have informed the owner that MY food was perfect and the service was lovely and how it's such a treat to be there. The whole family was mortified by him.
 
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Mountain Dew

Unmedicated Schizotypal Retard
kiwifarms.net
Found one on a Facebook group. Girl is fucking insane, but this has been an entertaining read.

She posts constantly to the group about her dating app blunders and expects people to rush to her side in the comments, getting bitchy if not immediately worshipped.

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She's 34 years old and hasn't matured past fourteen mentally. Crazy stuff.
 

TheImportantFart

Henry Assman
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net

As The Rise of Skywalker is now out, people have understandably been asking me how Rufus will react to the film. My answer has been, and remains, that I don't know because he hasn't seen it yet. As I've set out in other posts, Rufus is banned from going to see it and it looks like his parents have actually managed to make the ban stick this time, which is great for them, but sucks for us, because we don't get to hear his reaction.

Ordinarily I'd leave it at that, but there have also been some developments behind the scenes with Rufus which could put a bit of a kibosh on future stories. I was going to save this in the hopes of an update on The Rise of Skywalker because Rufus is Rufus and he's found interesting ways to circumvents bans before. But it's been over a week now and it's looking increasingly unlikely it will happen, so rather than being a faggot and hoarding cocks, and to hopefully alleviate everyone's disappointment, I figured I'd give you guys an early New Year's miracle:

Rufus Wars - Sperg: Fallen Franchise

Thanks to @Crichax for the title!

I'll start with the bad news: Rufus's sister moved out of their parents' house shortly after The Spergalorian to live with friends somewhere closer to her job. This didn't matter so much at the time, because she still had Rufus on Facebook, but Rufus has now unfriended her and since his posts are friends-only, that means a vital source of content is cut off. If you're curious, Rufus's sister says this was the killing blow:

Vote.png
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She got unfriended shortly after posting that comment.

Rufus's sister still calls home from time to time and one of her first questions is always how Rufus is getting along, so it's possible there will be more stories of his antics, but she's no longer in close proximity to him and with no more Star Wars films on the horizon after Rise of Skywalker for him to chimp out over, the future seems bleak. It's also an even bigger shame she doesn't have access to his Facebook anymore, because as you may have inferred from the above, Rufus is working on a spin-off script about his waifu Aravis Fett:

Spin-off.png


Eager though I'm sure everyone was to read more nightmarish Oedipal fapfic, we may never get to do so, unless somebody knows someone who works in the mailroom at Lucasfilm and asks them to look out for it when he inevitably sends it in.

While the above may seem all doom and gloom, fear not, because I have a short story and a bonanza of bonus content to share with you all.

@MysticMisty asked if Rufus's parents had seen the massive chimpout he had on Facebook over being told he wasn't going to be getting the new Lego UCS Star Destroyer for Christmas. The truth is, while they didn't know about that post specifically, they knew that he was very angry about it, because he made his anger known the moment they said they weren't buying it for him. Rufus's sister wasn't in the house at the time, but apparently the shouting was loud enough to be heard by their neighbours.

After the initial explosion, Rufus changed tactics and started getting really passive aggressive. He cleared a large space on one of his bookshelves, and whenever one of his parents came into his room to check on him, he'd point to it and say something along the lines of: "That's where the Star Destroyer would've gone, but I guess that's not happening now," which would erupt into another shouting match.

Despite this, Rufus escalated things by printing out a cardboard cutout of the Star Destroyer, putting it in the space on the bookshelf and saying: "It sure would nice if it was the real thing..." whenever one of his parents was in earshot. This approach did him absolutely no favours, and his parents eventually snapped and said Christmas was cancelled for him. He didn't care much, and shot back that it wouldn't be Christmas if he didn't get what he wanted.

Before I go on, I'll explain a little about Rufus's finances. I've said in earlier posts that Rufus's parents are loaded. He may not have a job, but he never has to worry about going hungry, and his parents aren't going to kick him out no matter how badly he behaves, because there's no way he'd survive in the world on his own. In terms of his own money, Rufus's parents used to give him fairly generous sums for birthdays and Christmas. These were deposited directly into his bank account where he couldn't get at them until recently, so over the years, he accumulated quite a decent chunk of savings. Not enough to live on, but more than most people have stashed away.

His parents stopped giving him money gifts once they realised his behaviour wasn't going to improve and it came to light he'd been pissing the money away on frivolities. In terms of current income, Rufus gets some kind of tugboat from the government, because he technically has a disability (SPD) that makes it more difficult for him to find work. He also used to claim Jobseekers allowance, but that was cut off when he got lazy about applying for jobs (for non-Britfags, you have to show you're actively looking for work to keep claiming it).

Of course, all the above isn't exactly lucrative and over time, Rufus's savings have dwindled until he's down to under a thousand pounds, which is still not awful by most people's standards, but when your only income stream is tardbux, it's kind of a problem. This (among other reasons) is why his parents have been pushing him so hard to get a job.

This all came to a head when Rufus's mum heard the doorbell ring one fateful day. Immediately, she heard the pounding of footfalls, and Rufus came charging down the stairs. This immediately aroused Rufus's mum's suspicions and she followed Rufus to the front door. Rufus was there talking to a delivery driver. He tried to block his mum's view, but she saw that he was taking delivery of a large cardboard box.

Rufus tried to say that he couldn't open the box because it was a Christmas present for his parents, but his mum made him open it and sure enough, it contained the UCS Star Destroyer. Rufus had ordered it for himself. His mum was furious and told him he had to send it back, which prompted a huge argument. In the ensuing fallout, it emerged that Rufus had nearly bankrupted himself buying this thing. Apparently he had under a hundred pounds left in the bank after the purchase (for reference, the UCS Star Destroyer costs a whopping £650).

After much yelling and gnashing of teeth, Rufus was forced to return the Star Destroyer. As a result of his reckless spending, his parents are now closely monitoring his bank account, to make sure he doesn't try anything like that again.

Maybe not up to the mega chimpout everyone was hoping for over The Rise of Skywalker, but hopefully it's something.

And now for the bonus content. When Rufus's sister moved out, she was clearing her room and found a folder filled with old Star Wars comics Rufus had drawn. Rufus's room used to be hers and vice versa, but they switched around a while ago and she thinks Rufus must have forgotten about them and left them behind. She estimates these were drawn when Rufus was about 6 or 7, so perhaps the piss poor artwork and storyline is somewhat forgivable, but it is interesting to see that Rufus's talents (or lack thereof) as a storyteller, along with his spelling and grammar have barely improved after nearly twenty years.

I'm not even going to try summarising the comics because they're downright incoherent, but I will highlight a few things that made me chuckle:

Tard.png

I'm sure Rufus knows all about tard groups.

Durr.png

Hurr durr (what's wrong with your faaaaaaaaace?)!

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Why does baby Boba Fett look like a retarded tadpole?

And last but not least, this one:

Mace Windu.png

Just in case anyone doesn't know, this is what Mace Windu looks like:

Mace_Windu.png

No wonder he didn't show up in the final battle in Rufus's Episode IX script. Rufus can't even remember what he fucking looks like.

Full comics are attached to this post. Sorry if they're difficult to read - Rufus's sister didn't have access to a scanner, so she kindly photographed them page by page.

Rufus's sister also snagged some photos Rufus uploaded to his Facebook before he unfriended her, of Lego re-enactments of scenes from his Sequel Trilogy. These are really something special:

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This one in particular is gold:

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I still live in hope that Rufus will find some way of watching Rise of Skywalker, but if not, I hope this update keeps everyone happy for a bit. This isn't the end of Rufus (at least I hope not), I just wanted to manage everyone's expectations going forward.

Happy new year to all you awesome bastards, and thank you for following along with Rufus's antics for another crazy year. Semper fidelis to you all! :semperfidelis:
 

Attachments

MysticMisty

kiwifarms.net
Rufus's sister wasn't in the house at the time, but apparently the shouting was loud enough to be heard by their neighbours.
That sounds amazing. That and the part where he bought it behind their back. I'd love to know how he thought not only how he'd smuggle it to his room but assemble the massive thing. Did he think he could hide it in his closet, or would he have just brazenly displayed it on his bookshelf when he finished and think his parents wouldn't do anything at that point? That would've been a glorious shouting match.
 

CWCissey

Charming Man
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net

As The Rise of Skywalker is now out, people have understandably been asking me how Rufus will react to the film. My answer has been, and remains, that I don't know because he hasn't seen it yet. As I've set out in other posts, Rufus is banned from going to see it and it looks like his parents have actually managed to make the ban stick this time, which is great for them, but sucks for us, because we don't get to hear his reaction.

Ordinarily I'd leave it at that, but there have also been some developments behind the scenes with Rufus which could put a bit of a kibosh on future stories. I was going to save this in the hopes of an update on The Rise of Skywalker because Rufus is Rufus and he's found interesting ways to circumvents bans before. But it's been over a week now and it's looking increasingly unlikely it will happen, so rather than being a faggot and hoarding cocks, and to hopefully alleviate everyone's disappointment, I figured I'd give you guys an early New Year's miracle:

Rufus Wars - Sperg: Fallen Franchise

Thanks to @Crichax for the title!

I'll start with the bad news: Rufus's sister moved out of their parents' house shortly after The Spergalorian to live with friends somewhere closer to her job. This didn't matter so much at the time, because she still had Rufus on Facebook, but Rufus has now unfriended her and since his posts are friends-only, that means a vital source of content is cut off. If you're curious, Rufus's sister says this was the killing blow:

View attachment 1074483View attachment 1074481

She got unfriended shortly after posting that comment.

Rufus's sister still calls home from time to time and one of her first questions is always how Rufus is getting along, so it's possible there will be more stories of his antics, but she's no longer in close proximity to him and with no more Star Wars films on the horizon after Rise of Skywalker for him to chimp out over, the future seems bleak. It's also an even bigger shame she doesn't have access to his Facebook anymore, because as you may have inferred from the above, Rufus is working on a spin-off script about his waifu Aravis Fett:

View attachment 1074482

Eager though I'm sure everyone was to read more nightmarish Oedipal fapfic, we may never get to do so, unless somebody knows someone who works in the mailroom at Lucasfilm and asks them to look out for it when he inevitably sends it in.

While the above may seem all doom and gloom, fear not, because I have a short story and a bonanza of bonus content to share with you all.

@MysticMisty asked if Rufus's parents had seen the massive chimpout he had on Facebook over being told he wasn't going to be getting the new Lego UCS Star Destroyer for Christmas. The truth is, while they didn't know about that post specifically, they knew that he was very angry about it, because he made his anger known the moment they said they weren't buying it for him. Rufus's sister wasn't in the house at the time, but apparently the shouting was loud enough to be heard by their neighbours.

After the initial explosion, Rufus changed tactics and started getting really passive aggressive. He cleared a large space on one of his bookshelves, and whenever one of his parents came into his room to check on him, he'd point to it and say something along the lines of: "That's where the Star Destroyer would've gone, but I guess that's not happening now," which would erupt into another shouting match.

Despite this, Rufus escalated things by printing out a cardboard cutout of the Star Destroyer, putting it in the space on the bookshelf and saying: "It sure would nice if it was the real thing..." whenever one of his parents was in earshot. This approach did him absolutely no favours, and his parents eventually snapped and said Christmas was cancelled for him. He didn't care much, and shot back that it wouldn't be Christmas if he didn't get what he wanted.

Before I go on, I'll explain a little about Rufus's finances. I've said in earlier posts that Rufus's parents are loaded. He may not have a job, but he never has to worry about going hungry, and his parents aren't going to kick him out no matter how badly he behaves, because there's no way he'd survive in the world on his own. In terms of his own money, Rufus's parents used to give him fairly generous sums for birthdays and Christmas. These were deposited directly into his bank account where he couldn't get at them until recently, so over the years, he accumulated quite a decent chunk of savings. Not enough to live on, but more than most people have stashed away.

His parents stopped giving him money gifts once they realised his behaviour wasn't going to improve and it came to light he'd been pissing the money away on frivolities. In terms of current income, Rufus gets some kind of tugboat from the government, because he technically has a disability (SPD) that makes it more difficult for him to find work. He also used to claim Jobseekers allowance, but that was cut off when he got lazy about applying for jobs (for non-Britfags, you have to show you're actively looking for work to keep claiming it).

Of course, all the above isn't exactly lucrative and over time, Rufus's savings have dwindled until he's down to under a thousand pounds, which is still not awful by most people's standards, but when your only income stream is tardbux, it's kind of a problem. This (among other reasons) is why his parents have been pushing him so hard to get a job.

This all came to a head when Rufus's mum heard the doorbell ring one fateful day. Immediately, she heard the pounding of footfalls, and Rufus came charging down the stairs. This immediately aroused Rufus's mum's suspicions and she followed Rufus to the front door. Rufus was there talking to a delivery driver. He tried to block his mum's view, but she saw that he was taking delivery of a large cardboard box.

Rufus tried to say that he couldn't open the box because it was a Christmas present for his parents, but his mum made him open it and sure enough, it contained the UCS Star Destroyer. Rufus had ordered it for himself. His mum was furious and told him he had to send it back, which prompted a huge argument. In the ensuing fallout, it emerged that Rufus had nearly bankrupted himself buying this thing. Apparently he had under a hundred pounds left in the bank after the purchase (for reference, the UCS Star Destroyer costs a whopping £650).

After much yelling and gnashing of teeth, Rufus was forced to return the Star Destroyer. As a result of his reckless spending, his parents are now closely monitoring his bank account, to make sure he doesn't try anything like that again.

Maybe not up to the mega chimpout everyone was hoping for over The Rise of Skywalker, but hopefully it's something.

And now for the bonus content. When Rufus's sister moved out, she was clearing her room and found a folder filled with old Star Wars comics Rufus had drawn. Rufus's room used to be hers and vice versa, but they switched around a while ago and she thinks Rufus must have forgotten about them and left them behind. She estimates these were drawn when Rufus was about 6 or 7, so perhaps the piss poor artwork and storyline is somewhat forgivable, but it is interesting to see that Rufus's talents (or lack thereof) as a storyteller, along with his spelling and grammar have barely improved after nearly twenty years.

I'm not even going to try summarising the comics because they're downright incoherent, but I will highlight a few things that made me chuckle:

View attachment 1074489

I'm sure Rufus knows all about tard groups.

View attachment 1074496

Hurr durr (what's wrong with your faaaaaaaaace?)!

View attachment 1074499

Why does baby Boba Fett look like a exceptional tadpole?

And last but not least, this one:

View attachment 1074503

Just in case anyone doesn't know, this is what Mace Windu looks like:

View attachment 1074505

No wonder he didn't show up in the final battle in Rufus's Episode IX script. Rufus can't even remember what he fucking looks like.

Full comics are attached to this post. Sorry if they're difficult to read - Rufus's sister didn't have access to a scanner, so she kindly photographed them page by page.

Rufus's sister also snagged some photos Rufus uploaded to his Facebook before he unfriended her, of Lego re-enactments of scenes from his Sequel Trilogy. These are really something special:


I still live in hope that Rufus will find some way of watching Rise of Skywalker, but if not, I hope this update keeps everyone happy for a bit. This isn't the end of Rufus (at least I hope not), I just wanted to manage everyone's expectations going forward.

Happy new year to all you awesome bastards, and thank you for following along with Rufus's antics for another crazy year. Semper fidelis to you all! :semperfidelis:
Oh Fart, you have brought such wonder unto The Farms. I'm a little sad Rufus is going on hiatus, but I look forward to any updates that come.

I do feel that Rufus will buy the DVD, watch it once, snap the disc, but get caught doing so and may end up getting his arse handed to him by Mummy and Daddy.
 

Big Nasty

ASSHOLE
kiwifarms.net
Friends, in the spirit of the Holiday season, I think it's about time that I share with you my own family lolcow. My grandmother who I love very much seperated from my grandfather many years ago (and he went on to marry and absolute nutbar of a woman, just look at one of my oldest posts in this thread) and married a man I'll call Fat Bastard. Absolutly fucking nobody in the entire family likes Fat Bastard and I'm not sure how they ended up together but it happened and now we're stuck with this leech until he chokes to death on an ice cream bar.

Fat Bastard is a NEET. Not retired, not out of work due to injury, just straight fucking unemployed becasue he thinks he's too good for any job around. He is around 60 and has been unemployed for most of my 26 years of life. The employment that he's had remains shrouded in various levels of vaguery and no one really cares enough about him to ask. He has some kind of engineering degree from the local uni, and at one point he was a head honcho at a local plant of some sort. Or so he claimed. Somewhat recently my uncle had a conversation with someone who worked at the same plant and when Fat Bastard's name came up, the gentleman remarked that he knew him and worked on the assembly line with him. The assembly line. My family isn't the sort to judge you based on your job, so to us there is no shame in being an assembly line guy. It's silly to even think of it as shameful. But Fat Bastard saw the job as humiliating drudgery and instead chose to lie to his family that he was a company big-shot.

He left that job or got fired or something vague, and my uncle got him a job at a grocery store which lasted a short amount of time becasue of the whole "being a hateable bastard" thing. That job must have been a crushing blow to his ego, as he loved telling my uncle how he'd never amount to anything and would be stuck working at a grocery store for the rest of his life. Well FB got fired from one while my uncle is currently an assistant store manager of one. After this, FB spent some time looking for a job but not really as he is clearly far too good to be flipping burgers or stocking shelves. Many years went by and he finally did find a position about 2 hours away. That's one hell of a commute to do daily, so he ended up getting a little apartment nearby and coming home to our area on the weekends. No one has a single idea what his job was, I don't think Grandma even knows. It was some vague engineering "project" that lasted maybe two or three years before the "job ended". Some people might think that with a arrangment like that he might have had an affair going on, but I can assure you that this man is pretty repulsive-looking and possesses no redeeming qualities.
That was several years ago and now I don't think he's even looking for a job anymore, he's living off of my Grandma's social security and handouts from my great-grandpa. Grandma herself no longer works due to a bad workplace injury and her boss being a fucking tool about it, so the last thing she needs is this big manbaby spending her retirement fund on stupid boomer gadgets and junk food. Speaking of junk food-

Alright, I'll admit he's actually not "fat" anymore so the nickname is outdated. But he used to be fat and he's still a bastard. About 13 years ago, El Bastardo Gordo underwent a gastric bypass to un-fat himself. Unfortunatly he did not die on the table, but at least my grandma didn't have to end up going through with the lawsuit he had planned in the event that he did. We got to hear plenty of stories of how he was now explosievly shitting everywhere which I'm starting to think isn't actually a common side effect of the surgery. He did end up losing weight but he looks fucking terrible. He never was that tolerable looking but after the surgery the strain of recovery must have hit him like a dump truck. You'd think he was about ten years older than my grandma, who is actually ten years older that him. While he never piled all the weight back on, his snacking habit has added some poundage in a very unfortunate way. He's ended up with this really weird bowling-pin type physique. He also:

-can no longer eat large amounts of salad and avoids leafy greens becasue it triggers his "massive explosive shit" problem. It has nothing to do with the multiple kinds of ice cream bars, candies, chocolates, pop tarts, cookies, and diet soda that he keep in the house. It is very clearly salad. One year at a family gathering he made the mistake of eating salad along with his big serving of mashed potatoes, steak, ham, rolls, ice cream, pie, cookies, and more than enough appitizers for 4 people, and on the way home got hit with the oncoming thundershits and made my grandma stop at the fuckin' casino so he could evacuate all that pesky salad. And you know, while they're there, might as well play the slots right?
(this might have also been the year he had a McDonald's coupon on him and got a McMuffin on the way over but I'm sure that it was also totally unrelated. It was clearly that salad. )

-still acts like an invalid 13 years after the procedure. He lives in his living room chair with his massive TV facing him and his laptop set up on his hospital-style tray table thing so he can do his boomer Facebooking while watching garbage TV. Grandma brings him food that he proceeds to eat in his chair. This Christmas Eve Grandma had to ask him 3 times to come help her with the ham carving becasue he was too busy languishing in his chair talking my dad's ear off about how Jabba the Hutt could have raped Princess Leia and impregnated her thus explaining Rey's parentage. He didn't come help until after I had already attempted to do it myself. Motherfucker sleeps in the chair becasue he insists that the surgery made it hard for him to lie down. As it turns out, spending hours of your life sitting is really bad for you. Specifically your asshole. A few years ago he had to get polyps removed from his rectum which is hilarious and everyone in the family wanted to hear about his asshole surgery. Becasue he's an asshole.

-his body's metabolism has transmutated itself into such a configuration that he metabolizes alcohol in a different way or something, and for that reason breathalyzers show him as being drunk when he's not actually drunk, which leads us to....


He got a DUI. He says he didn't. There is nothing he can possibly say to change that fact despite his best efforts to claim it wasn't a DUI and that there was some nefarious work going on. He and grandma went wine tasting and on the ride home somehow got involved in a bizarre car chase that he claimed involved (depending on when he told the story) a truck being chased by Fish and Wildlife plus three police cars, or three police cars chasing after Fish and Wildlife. He claimed that he joined in on the chase for some godforsaken reason and the police pulled him over and acted "suspiciously" as they asked him what the fuck kind of mongo he was. This man drives like a maniac on a regular day so I don't imagine drunk-civilian-car-chase Fat Bastard is much better. He was a bastard to the cops I assume, so they ordered a breathalyzer and becasue of the magical alcohol metabolizing anomaly that he possesses now he registered as being under the influence when he was totally not, you guys. Basically he got arrested and taken in but it wasn't a DUI, just something that sounds exactly like a fuckin' DUI. FB doesn't know this, but one of my relatives has had a DUI in the past. Upon hearing Bastard's account of being processed at the station he could confirm that yes, it was a goddamn DUI.

Fat Bastard has some pretty spergy behaviors not in the "holy shit sonic the hedgehog is great" sense, but in the "I posess no social grace whatsoever, please listen to me cackle about how my father died in my arms" sense, or the "flip flops are a totally appropriate thing to wear to the store despite my webbed feet and conjoined toe." sense. Yes, you read that right. He's got webbed fucking feet and a conjoined toe on each foot. His feet have the Innsmouth look. Hell, his face is pretty Innsmouth too. If you ever see a fish-man walking around wearing a Big Dogs shirt talking about his great Groupon deals, then congratulations, you probably just saw Fat Bastard.

But point is, this guy is clueless to what a tool he sounds like and acts like. It doesn't help that he's one of those people that says "You Know" as a filler word, and he does so every few words. He is beyond grating to listen to. He posesses nothing that would resemble empathy or awareness. This man once spent Christmas Eve dinner talking about how in high school he had to wrestle a kid whose whole body had a ton of oozy zits that he was popping before the match, and how another time he and a buddy got really loaded on vodka and someone got vomited on during a match. (To be fair, that was the year I brought over a cherry jello salad specifically becasue I know he hates cherry and I was trying to make him look like a dick for not eating any. That might have been my karma.)

We had one terrible Christmas where my Uncle's psycho ex-girlfriend was attempting to #MeToo him on Facebook and he was trying to do damage control for several days (thankfully everyone thought she was nuts, so he came out unscathed) and Fat Bastard thought it would be really helpful to compare that to when he fell for some phishing scam and "they got into his Google and it was displaying it in Korean". That started a dreadful row and my Uncle hasn't gone to their house for Christmas eve ever since. The year after the incident we didn't do Christmas eve there at all, and it was looking like Fat Bastard straight up ruined Christmas forever.

He's fully convinced he's a well liked member of a family that hates him and laughs at him from literally behind his back. He has this stupid photography hobby where he takes candid pictures of the family at gatherings and then we never see the photos again. Each year he will wrangle us into a group photo that we will never once see and we joke about that while it's happening. He has hundreds if not thousands of photos saved away and it's borderline creepy. (He once showed us a scrapbook of photos he took at some women's vollyball event, which was all-the-way creepy.)

I should also mention that Bastard is someting of a hoarder. Not in the horrifically disgusting piles of garbage everywhere way, but he buys huge amounts of things from Costco that he really doesn't need. His stuff invades every space in the house. The kitchen table is covered, the bar usually covered and my grandma has to ask him to move his crap if I come over to make cookies. The guest bedroom is packed with shit, can't hardly even see that it used to be my mom's room. Some of her toys, my uncles toys, and my own are all hiding in there somewhere but they've become buried under the growing hoard of Fat Bastard.
I'm sure there's more that I'm forgetting, but I've written quite the novel already.

*edit* What an absolute fool I am to not remember the time he essentially threw a silent tantrum in a steakhouse. Grandpa K and a few other relatives came down to visit and we went to this great steakhouse and Fat Bastard was pissy because he wanted to eat at the Italian place (also great) that he married Grandma at. He read a newspaper at the table and sent his delicious looking, most likely very tender and well-prepared pork chop back for being allegedly so tough he couldn't cut through it. The owner himself came to apologise and FB just waved him away like a bothersome fly. If I had more nerve back then I'd have informed the owner that MY food was perfect and the service was lovely and how it's such a treat to be there. The whole family was mortified by him.
Excellent stories. Thank you very much.

 

Shitassdeaddude

kiwifarms.net
I still live in hope that Rufus will find some way of watching Rise of Skywalker, but if not, I hope this update keeps everyone happy for a bit. This isn't the end of Rufus (at least I hope not), I just wanted to manage everyone's expectations going forward.

Happy new year to all you awesome bastards, and thank you for following along with Rufus's antics for another crazy year. Semper fidelis to you all! :semperfidelis:
Honestly even if the Rufus Saga were to end here, it would still be rather appropriate. Just like Star Wars, the Rufus Saga peters out into a wet fart.

I can't believe Death Star Destroyers are now pretty much canon thanks to RoS. What a fucking riot.
 

AlternatingCurrent

kiwifarms.net
surprised it's barely been mentioned, but the now-defunct SevenAwesomeKids channels.
My younger sister used to watch them.
They were essentially Elsagate before Elsagate with higher production values.
Sample video titles:
"G-Girl Genie And Ellie's Three Wishes!"
"The Day Leah Became A Barbie!"
"Bratty Brittany Is An AMAZING Gymnast!"
 
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Reactions: Big Nasty
There's this guy called SonicMaDMaXMiX and he is a personal lolcow of mine.
Sometime late 2017 or 18 I was added to a chat on discord with SMMM with a couple of friends that wanted to fuck with him.

No big deal, he complained about free labor laws and such, he was complaining he wasn't getting money for Xmas or some shit in the call (keep in mind he's in his mid 20s at this point) we convinced him some dumb shit about Lebanon (sorry if it seems like I'm being disingenuous I just don't remember a lot about the entire thing other than a couple of specific details).

Fast forward a couple of months, he's outed at looking a CP, and he unironically said for his excuse 'It wasn't me, my body was taken over by my evil twin!' (Forgot to also mention that he has brain damage or something according to his sister).

I think he's worth looking into but I just wanted to see if people would be interested in him or not so I can know to start beginning to archive shit.
 
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TheGreatCitracett

Disciple of the wise Morgan Freeman Owl
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Here's kind of a minor one that I find amusing. I met this girl once a few years back. She was a friend of a friend's younger sister or something. Since then she's gone off to college, gone full SJW with problem glasses and all, become "pansexual", and become... Scottish somehow.

She's talking about her younger biological brother:
20200110_034008.jpg

I think she got her Scottish accent from Groundskeeper Willie:
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"Doing some American research"
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STORAY TIME!!!!
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Those American bitches...
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She's never been to Scotland. In fact I'm not sure she's ever even left the state...
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Yeeee support pedo voodoo n shiet
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"Scottish humor"
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Adamska

Last Gunman
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Here's kind of a minor one that I find amusing. I met this girl once a few years back. She was a friend of a friend's younger sister or something. Since then she's gone off to college, gone full SJW with problem glasses and all, become "pansexual", and become... Scottish somehow.

She's talking about her younger biological brother:
View attachment 1092005

I think she got her Scottish accent from Groundskeeper Willie:
View attachment 1092006
View attachment 1092007

"Doing some American research"
View attachment 1092008

STORAY TIME!!!!
View attachment 1092009

Those American bitches...
View attachment 1092010

She's never been to Scotland. In fact I'm not sure she's ever even left the state...
View attachment 1092011

Yeeee support pedo voodoo n shiet
View attachment 1092012

"Scottish humor"
View attachment 1092013
Only a complete moron would use eye language like that, since it's only useful if you're writing a story.

Also the '80s called; Celtabooism died 35 years ago you dumb bint.
 

KillerStrategy

Evil white male
kiwifarms.net
Had to watch my ex boyfriend go from a loving, normal, slightly naive boy to a flaming sjw mogai type right before my very eyes. He's started censoring words like "war" and certain people's names, calls out people that used to be our friends, etc. Literally one of the most painful and frustrating things I've experienced.

Also his new girlfriend is almost a decade older than him despite him being a minor, yet he vehemently hates on "pedophiles" (using this term lightly as a lot of people he calls pedos are not, in fact, pedophiles.) So, yeah, been rough since the breakup I guess lmao
 

FitBitch

kiwifarms.net
If you Google "Draezeth" you're in for a treat. I knew this guy a few years ago and sadly, this guy's internet presence has dwindled to almost nothing. If he was still active I would have made an honest to god real thread on him.

He has an abandoned DeviantArt account: https://www.deviantart.com/draezeth/gallery
This mostly contains his shitty animu drawings where you might notice he has an obsession with Hanako from Katawa Shoujo (more on that)
His Twitter: https://mobile.twitter.com/draezeth
Which is concerned with Lego, Bionicle, Star Wars and Native Americans (more on that)
His tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/draezeth/blog/draezeth-blog-blog
Which is dedicated to Bionicle, Christanity, and how unfair it is that women won't date him. This last one to the point where he had a tiny hate following for a minute
Screenshot_20200113-211217.png
His TV Tropes profile: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Tropers/Draezeth is as cringey as you can imagine.

I wish I could remember the name of the erotic role play website he used to use but he proudly shared his profile with our old friend group of about 20 people without anyone asking for it. He roleplayed as a Native American shape-shifting muscular bear woman sub and his list of fetishes was extensive. I'm so sorry I can't find that profile for you guys because it was glorious.

He was obsessed with emotionally needy, vulnerable, shy women and after playing Katawa Shoujo (English title Disability Girls for those who don't know) his obsession with Hanako was relentless to the point that it killed his real relationship at the time because his girlfriend wouldn't just be his sad, vulnerable uwu girl. He also has an unhealthy obsession with Native Americans as a people but only for very surface-level aesthetic reasons with no desire to learn about deeper nuances of their culture or individual tribes. This translated most readily into a deep hatred for Christopher Columbus because reasons.

Now I've saved the best for last my fellow Kiwis. I give you this man's magnum opus, a 30 chapter story about an teenage boy having and incestuous relationship with his dickgirl baby sister:

The rest of this group of friends was great and we all still talk, minus a few weirdos who fell away throughout the years, Draezeth included. The last activity I could find on him was a few months ago, challenging a user on r/atheist. He always did fancy himself an intellectual with debate prowess, in reality his tactic was to find a falicy his opponents argument most fit and just cry "That's an x falicy" without being able to counter a thing anyone ever said to him.
 

Grimoire Canthari

kiwifarms.net
This femcel that shows up in the college lounge dominated by nerds/weebs/autists:
  • Constantly opens her mouth to talk about topics she has no idea about but acts like she's saying something of substance (durrr there's this girl that had like abortions ERRY DAY)
  • Very obvious attention whore, whines extensively when people catch on and pay attention to each other instead
  • Acts like an actual whore, threw herself at the first man in the lounge to be nice to her well after him and his gf telling her to stop
  • Verbally attacks other women with a vengeance for being 'skanks'. Hookers and strippers are her favorite targets, but basically any vagina-haver that is more attractive than her must be a slut and she is totes better bcuz she is a virgin. A virgin in the nerd gang guize! Will then talk about her sexual desires for country boys a second later.
  • M-muh ADHD absolves me, h-how dare you confront me about my personality fuckups that are damaging my ability to form social ties. And fuck you wanting to do a private talk to preserve my dignity, Imma try make a scene in the room for mai ATTTENSHUN
  • Claims she's thiccc (three c's, said by her) and has curves. Her body shape is that of a typical lumpy fatty
  • Failed all of her classes except one
  • Wants to work with special needs kids yet is a bigger sped than her future charges
FitBitch said:
I wish I could remember the name of the erotic role play website he used to use
F-list probably?
 

FitBitch

kiwifarms.net
F-list probably?
Looks like I can't browse users without making an account and I'm not that desperate. He tried bringing people he rp'd with into the friend group though and they never quite meshed with us and it pissed his girlfriend off that he wasn't just casually rp'ing but actually forming personal relationships with these people. She was very insecure and eventually started transitioning to a man post breakup.
 
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