Personal Lolcows -


Henry Assman
True & Honest Fan
Did the psychiatrist write him off as a lost cause after a few sessions, or did he try to Force-choke the psychiatrist and get banned from that office?
It was more of a case of him just refusing to engage. I think the sessions just kind of petered out after a while. I’d pay good money for the notes from them though.
Anyways I'm not too sure why they're insisting he needs to get a job since he's guaranteed to scream about Star Wars and get fired on the off chance he made it that far (which I doubt, he'd do it during the interview like last time). And possibly arrested for assault if he tried that Jedi duel thing again and his boss was a lot less nice about it.
His parents have decided far too late that now is the time to install a work ethic in him and their now-autistic devotion to this outweighs their common sense as to what unleashing their unruly tard on an unsuspecting public will result in.

I do sort of feel for his parents, even if them not putting their foot down until now is a big part of why Rufus is the way he is. You work hard all your life and build up a small fortune, and your reward at the end of it is looking after an insane manchild who only puts effort into sperging out and sitting around all day writing angry letters and unfilmable fan scripts.
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Straight A student in special ed.
More of a horrorcow. Know a guy who has 4 kids and has tried to lie about having narcolepsy to get on disability. Thankfully, his attempts fail. Unfortunately, he refuses to get a job and mooches off a woman who has a legit reason to be on disability.

He's threatened her with a gun at least once and has hoarding tendencies. He spends most of his share on redbull and some sort of illicit stimulants. Probably meth.

Only thing keeping him afloat is mommy and daddy's money. So he's mooching off a disabled person and his parents at the same time.

The parents are mild horrorcows themselves. Sad thing is, none of these people were that bad until a few years ago. They were just hillbillies that viewed themselves as anything but.

The moocher was always a jobless moocher, however. He wasn't going around getting high off meth and threatening people with guns, though. Waiting for some Florida Man tier antics from him.

Only reason he still has the kids is because his parents mostly care for them. A guy around Spoony's age needs his parents to care for the kids.

An Sionnach Seang

Justin Bieber shit's like a cat!
here's another one involving Autistic Accountant/Rocket Man
previous instalments:
an introduction to Rocket Man
Rocket Man races me to work
Rocket Man bawls over a broken umbrella

Rocket Man is the noisiest eater I've ever come across: not only does he chew with his mouth open but he also moans and groans while eating (and doing many other everyday actions), so his meal times normally go "scrontch scrontch MNNNNN scrotch honk slop slip NNNNNNGG crunch crunch MMMMMNNN"

also, whenever he drinks anything he makes a loud GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG sound

he has some kind of trouble with eating, as an hour or two after having his dinner he often ends up coughing and retching, like a dog - several times he's actually thrown up his dinner, though thankfully he's managed to confine it to the toilet and clear up afterwards

the fact he's swallowed half a lungful of air along with his dinner is a likely factor, and his compulsion for charging around doesn't help either


Local Weeb Translator
While he's more of a source of rage than laughs, I knew a guy on Discord who was... something else. He's the type of horny roleplaying teenager that would try to force sex into something innocent. He'd get pissed when someone said they didn't like certain Pokemon. I've had a few incidents with him myself, where he'd get snappy at me for trying to mediate a situation in a server I was modding in. In this case, he was acting like a dipshit towards a fellow mod.

He even lied about his age to find out about the fetishes of a grown-ass woman he legit had a crush on. Said woman was in a relationship at the time and not interested in him at all. Guy basically had horny teenager brainrot. His views on sexuality were... odd, to say the least. He thought that, to be a furry, you had to be lgbt.

He also has assaulted one of his friends multiple times, usually aiming for the head. Once it was over said friend laughing a little because the guy accidentally paused a game.
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Argh My Cigar

What Am I Fighting For?!
True & Honest Fan
Wouldn’t call him a lolcow per-say, but he’s definitely fucked in the head. He’s this kid in my town that’s pretty much infamous for having a messed up family, stalking anyone who was nice to him for more than five seconds, and trying to pick fights as he got older. His mom was schizophrenic and his Dad was a huge piece of shit. His mom was a frequent patient at the hospital that mine worked at; one day she came in with her son, my mom felt bad for him, asked me to hang out out of pity, and I’m like “Sure, what’s the worst that could happen?”. First of all, this guy would do little else but giggle to himself like a retard, and he’d lie constantly to get people to come over; lie about having whatever new game everyone wanted to play, lie about shit he promised his parents would take us to, lie about having other friends, etc. Spent the night at his place and the first thing I witness when I enter their shithole house was his dad jerking off, and then his mom giggling to herself in her bedroom without pants. Then we go to Friendly’s only for the Dad to freak out because I asked for ice cream, and then his mom flipping people off on the highway and almost getting into an accident. It then occurred to me that this kid was dirt poor and when I told everyone else at school (Was around 11-12 years old at the time), everyone pretty much had the same experience. I stopped talking to him from there on out, and all throughout high school he’d stalk me, show up at my house unannounced and uninvited, and acted as if we were lifelong friends. Then in college if he saw me driving he’d follow me, then he thought I was ignoring him he’d enter whatever building I was entering and try to pick a fight. Long story short, got me and a few other guys in our town who’s had problems with this fucker and placed a massive restraining order on his ass.

Haven’t seen him in over 3 years and I hope to fucking god I don’t see him ever again.

he has some kind of trouble with eating, as an hour or two after having his dinner he often ends up coughing and retching, like a dog - several times he's actually thrown up his dinner, though thankfully he's managed to confine it to the toilet and clear up afterwards
I'm no doctor, but maybe it's gallstones? Gallstone symptoms happen after meals and include nausea and vomiting.
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Pale Empress
About twelve years ago I used to post on a small extreme metal forum. The core userbase was primarily comprised of black metal gatekeepers, all of us ranging in age from mid-teens to late 20s. At the time the forum was one of the first results when you googled "metal forum" so we used to get a lot of people dropping in to either shill their projects or to talk about (what we perceived to be) "mainstream" metal that we either already heard or had no interest in, in those scenarios we took it upon ourselves to haze them relentlessly. People who could roll with the punches became integrated into the userbase, otherwise it became fodder for our own amusement.

Around 2010 we had a new guy join who admitted that he was new to metal music. He was in his late teens, and seemed thick skinned and receptive enough that we introduced him to a lot of music. Eventually he became a core part of the forum while maintaining his status as the resident lolcow and constant mockery, and revealed quite a bit of personal information and weird traits/characteristics.

-He was a self-proclaimed "occultist" who was training to be inducted into the Order of the Golden Dawn (or whatever it's called), he would regularly post his own little rituals and shit, specifically a "sun banishing ritual" that became a running gag at his expense
-He had enlisted in the air force but washed out for some unspecified reason
-He converted to numerous religions in the time I knew him, going from protestantism, to neopaganism, to wicca, to hinduism. The last time I spoke to him he was really into Orthodoxy.
-He was a self-proclaimed ephebophile

This last point was obviously a big source of contention and there were dozens of pages of arguments about it. He used to correspond with many of us regularly via MSN chat and in a private subforum for musicians (he had a musical project too but it wasn't very good. In fact I told him to record his music by strapping a microphone behind an oscillating fan next to a water heater and he actually did it). And then he suddenly dropped off the face of the earth.

As time wore on, the forum began to splinter apart but a few of us still kept in touch and the subject of this person came up. I knew his real name so I did a little digging and discovered he was busted as part of a child pornography investigation. Apparently he was involved in a pretty sizable ring in the midwest that was specifically trading/generating images of toddlers and really young kids. He got sentenced to something like fifteen years. I went back through some of his accounts and found a lot of stuff that should have made it obvious exactly what kind of person he was (for instance a photobucket account full of photos of little kids).

I check in on him from time to time, the most recent being last year when I found the federal prison he's being held in and his release date (which is still, obviously, some time away).

Oh and of note, he was also a photographer, so I stole all his photos and sometimes use them for different art projects.

Good riddance.

An Sionnach Seang

Justin Bieber shit's like a cat!
I'm no doctor, but maybe it's gallstones? Gallstone symptoms happen after meals and include nausea and vomiting.
regardless of what it is, good luck getting it diagnosed

your man is so obstinate when it comes to medication that it'd take a cattle prod and heavy sedatives to get him into a doctor's surgery and stay in the waiting room for more than a few minutes without charging around, alarming the other patients, or erupting into weapons-grade sperging/severe emotional incontinence when the appointments before his inevitably over-run and his appointment becomes delayed
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Boris Blank's glass eye

Ring the bell, Roll down the street
This one's about family, that's what makes it so powerful.

Happened a long time ago, I was around six or seven. One of my aunts was a stuck-up bitch getting high on her own farts, despite being only an elementary school teacher. Had a nanny visit once every week to teach her kids "proper etiquette fit for a young lady and a young gentleman" and shit for years. Anyway, I was visiting them, playing with my cousins, and she herself had some guests over. Time came for refreshments, so she fetched a fancy box from her cocktail cabinet, and said to me something along the lines of "I have no doubt in my mind this box your father gifted to me hides a bottle of high-quality wine, after all, it is so fancy, and the script looks Italian, and they make some great wine."
Gathers some glassware, opens the box, pop goes the cork, pours some wine for all her guests, gives a toast, they all have a sip together, and in the next moment, there's a fine red mist in the air over the table.

Stuck-up dumb bitch fancied herself a master chef, so my father brought her a bottle of indeed high quality balsamic vinegar, which she obviously forgot about.

I also have some stories about a high school classmate, who was a real jackass.

Dude decided to "prank the school doc", so he walks over to the doc's office, and goes "Help me doc, I have a real bad case of the shits today, I can't stop crapping, I've been shitting up the crapper all day".
Doc sitting there, stunned, the nurse replies "Well son, I think you have some bigger problems, so you had better apologize right now or else I'll get some bleach for that potty-mouth of yours."
Jackass can't get confrontational in fear of ruining his "ebin prank", so he mutters some apology. Cue "I CAN'T HEAR YOU, SONNY", so he squeezes out a proper apology, and starts over in a generally polite manner.
Doctor gets some kind of white suspension from the cabinet and starts explaining: "Yeah, I hope this helps, but if you REALLY have that bad of a diarrhea, you should go home and visit your GP."
Needless to say, that fucknugget didn't have anything of the sort, so that drug had him constipated for a week.

Travis Touchdown Cumsock

What an absolute travesty.
The guy I posted about before is starting to become self-aware of his shit and I'm nicer than many people here in that I offer both positive and negative criticism, so. Yes, please do get help and get away from those manipulative SJW shitwads you call "friends". They are the ones ruining you, dude.

Boris Blank's glass eye

Ring the bell, Roll down the street
Workplace story now. This all happened in one month.

Here's the tale of Dumb Thirsty Motherfucker (DTMF).
I'm working at a university, and as such, it has an "operational archive" on top of its institutional repo. This is also a very bureaucratic organization, so, there are two head archivist positions. We, as in the uni, already had a competent person managing the operational archive, but no one for the institutional repo - enter DTMF. He had the correct qualification, was the right age, and most importantly, had a background the intellectual midgets at the top liked.

Over his first week, DTMF contacted pretty much every female employee on all kinds of business: state of the repo, digitalization of old paper docs, archival planning, availability and state of storage space, whatever he could find. Then, he probably looked them up on Facebook, and invited those young enough for business lunch or brunch. Thirsty motherfucker.

I say probably, since he usually didn't recognize most of them in person, not even those he went after the hardest - or at least acted like he didn't. Dumb motherfucker became a laughing stock on his first week.
And he proved to be fully incompetent too. Terminally dumb. That, however, wasn't a problem, he had a preferential background.

His downfall was a most hilarious incident that was obviously spread all over the place.
So, a new monday arrives, and DTMF is nowhere to be found. Didn't check in, didn't notify his superior of illness, didn't request leave, nothing at all.
So the head librarian, another worthless incompetent mofo pushed in via nepotism, calls him on his personal phone.
According to him (the HL), the conversation went down something like this:
"-So uh, hi, where are you right now?
-I'm home. (in a foreign country)
-Okay, how come?
-I have severe, crippling depression.
-I see, that's unfortunate, get well soon. Do you have an official diagnosis? Are you on sick leave right now?
-I'm, uh, I'm passing the phone to my mom, she'll explain."

Fucker was in his probationary period, so he was fired immediately, via phone. Some people looked him up, he's still on his quest for love. No job ever since then tho.

Edit: I forgot to include his age, which is around 31 this year. Not sure which month.
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Shield Breaker

True & Honest Fan
We had a math teacher in high school who was a Lolcow. She had three degrees in accounting and one in education. She couldn't teach math worth a damn, and got really angry when people couldn't understand her autistic approach to problem solving. Like, yelling at the class about it, because she thought we were screwing with her. She was also one of 'those' parents. The kind who thought traditional parenting was bad, and would love to interrupt the lesson to tell us how much better her methods were.

I remember one time she came in looking more haggard than usual, and someone asked what was wrong. Turns out that her daughter had kept her up until 4 AM practicing the flute. When we asked why her kid was up at the time, she explained that the kid was allowed to be up whenever she wanted, so long as she got eight hours sleep. Keep in mind that the girl was in six or seventh grade.

Everyone hated her, but especially the class next door. It was a social studies class and the teacher was a coach. Whenever he left the classroom, the kids would talk among themselves. I couldn't hear them, but she must have, because she would run over and yell at them to be quiet. One day the teacher had an emergency or something and was gone for about half of the period. She kept running over there and someone in the class must have been tired of her shit because light tapping started coming from over there. She would go over, and in an increasingly loud voice, demand to know who was doing it, but no one said a word. Finally, she went over and screamed that if she heard one more thing, she was going to have the whole class suspended. She came back to our class, and just as she started her lesson for the eighth time, a text book or something like that hit the wall. She fled the room, bawling her eyes out, and didn't come back for the rest of class.

Tatu Carreta2
One member of my family has lolcow tendencies but I dont think he has an internet presence(or at least I dont know about it). I dont want to say his name,he is 31 years old but has only worked for about 9 months of his life,he has mystical delusions,is extremly inmature and a serial moocher. Sorry if this is a little long:

-His mom is a doctor and got him his first job at 18 because she knew the owner of a pastry store,the job was only four hours a day three times a week,but he still skipped worked sometimes and he was so stupid that he would ruin part of the production because of did things wrong and he complained how everyone was always on his ass(the idea that they did that because he fucked everything up didnt occur to him) and he ended up quitting after about 3 months.

-He got a second job about 10 years later as a dishwasher at a restaurant,he had to work like 12 hours a day for shit pay. You might think "thats good at least he got a job" but no,he only got a job because he wanted to save money to go backpacking through south america with his hippie friends (He lives in Argentina and went though several countries in his trip). He quit his job 6 months after he got it and went backpacking for several months with his friends and spent all of his money.

-He started smoking weed in his early 20s and because of that he became the biggest hippie stereotype you can think off,he is a 140lb vegan,he belives in every woo woo you can imagine,he has a picture of a catholic saint in his desk,he has healing crystal and stones,and he practices tarot,he is into reiki,chinese tui na,reflexiology,japanse shiatsu,holistic healing,translation of light,etc. His father died and he is not using his doctors office anymore,so he uses his dad doctors office as an office where people that belive in woo woo non-sense come in and he practices those things on them or gives them massages. You might think "well at least he is making money that way" but he only has like 2 or 3 customers a week,and he charges 8 USD per session so I would be surprised if he is making 1/3 of minimum wage.

-He is extremly inmature,he does autistic things that a child would do,for example one time he saw my cat,flexed his knees as he hunched over,and started flailing his arms saying "KITTY KITTY WOOHOHOHO", another example of his behaviour is when he was talking to my aunt and randomly flexed his knees,got in a squat position and started rocking side to side.

-He is a socialist that belives we should redistribute wealth,last year we went to a fancy restaurant for my birthday and at the end they gave us survey and asked us to fill it,normal stuff,how good was the service? did you like the food? anything we can improve? and he wrote "you should redistribute the wealth". Let me remind you that he only worked for 9 months in the 13 years since he has been an adult and he dropped out of university in his first year,he is typical comunist stereotype of the lazy leech that doesnt work but wants other people money.He has a che guevara shirt and che guevara flag on his room. He didnt said it directly but for the things he says I infer that he thinks having a job is being exploited.

-He mentioned me one time in a conversation that doesnt base his ideas on evidence.He said something like "I used to use evidence,but now I dont anymore" as if that was a good thing.

-Everyone in the family enables him,especially his mom,everyone in the family belives in woo woo so they cant bring themselves to tell him that what he is doing with his "holistic healing" and "reiki massages" is a waste of time because all of them belive in it,he knows that his mom is never going to kick him out of the house and when she dies he is going to inherit about 3 properties(in argentina that like 100 years of minimum wage,so he knows that if he gets a job he will get less money than with inheritance,and he doesnt want to go university,so he is just mooching of his mom until she dies so he never has to work a day in his life).

-He is very narcissistic,he always belive he is right about everything and every time I see him interacting with his mom he treats her like shit,he is spoiled because he never had any responsabilities and knows he doesnt have to grow up because mom will take care of him all his life and will give him more money when she dies that he cloud ever make by working. He talks to people as if he was smart and inteligent but he is a literal communist that never had a job or read a serious book.He is petty and will use any situation,no matter how small,to tell you that you have to do something and how you are making mistakes and need to own up and be responsible,he does that as a way to exert power over people when he is a mess of a person.

-He is a vegan,uses "neutral language" that means he speaks and writes without assuming people gender,instead of saying "nosotros" he says "nosotres",he is a feminist,and a SJW in everything you can imagine.

-He used to do "clown classes",I think its because it gives him a font to act autistic and childish without people thinking he is autistic and childish,he has pictures on his facebook with a clown nose making retarded faces and the soysmile.

-He thinks he is "brown" even though both his parents are white,maybe because he thinks that makes him opressed and cool. Also when he is with new people he starts talking like a poor brown person because he thinks that using poor non-white person words and phrases makes him cool. Oh and he listen to cringe "rap battles".

Edit: I deleted a few things that were not as interesting,I hope you enjoyed reading them.
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Hongourable Madisha

Happy Hongukkah
The lad who played Simon in Contradiction lives near me. Online he's mostly known for that if he's known at all, but round here he's best known for trooning out, getting banned from a roller derby group for defending "non contact MAPs" (ie paedophiles), showing people his nude photos that he took in a public hotel corridor at some point, telling anyone who'll listen that he and his girlfriend are "super gay", wearing supermarket own brand children's clothes and sending the supermarket photos of him wearing them, and complaining to any business that won't let him use the women's toilets. He got the toilets in a local rock club all made unisex after one complaint, I used to like that place, they had a weekly shitty B-movie showing that was always a laugh. *sigh* From what I hear he's singlehandedly peak transed just about everyone he comes into contact with, so there is that.

The Jumping Dwarf

I'm offendered if misgendered
The lad who played Simon in Contradiction lives near me. Online he's mostly known for that if he's known at all, but round here he's best known for trooning out, getting banned from a roller derby group for defending "non contact MAPs" (ie paedophiles), showing people his nude photos that he took in a public hotel corridor at some point, telling anyone who'll listen that he and his girlfriend are "super gay", wearing supermarket own brand children's clothes and sending the supermarket photos of him wearing them, and complaining to any business that won't let him use the women's toilets. He got the toilets in a local rock club all made unisex after one complaint, I used to like that place, they had a weekly shitty B-movie showing that was always a laugh. *sigh* From what I hear he's singlehandedly peak transed just about everyone he comes into contact with, so there is that.

You weren't fucking kidding. "Ve/ver" :story:.

The sad story is he seemed to be a perfectly normal person a few years ago. Troonery, not even once.

Hongourable Madisha

Happy Hongukkah
My favourite part is that Simon is a literal cuck who joined a mental cult that has a history of abusing its members but he either doesn't know or doesn't care about any of it. Life imitating art...

I just remembered this UK sped a couple years younger than me, who joined a Skype group I was co-admin in when I was 15. He was some Christfag (think ChristianU2ber or whatever, not modern /pol/ deus vult) who unironically referred to black people as "monkeys" and got dunked on constantly. In 2016 he started using /pol/ to become cool like the rest of us and managed to get indoctrinated by the HRC shills.

I had a pic of him with an "I need feminism" sign but didn't see it in my images folder, so I think I'd have to dig up a hard drive backup to get it. I remember him looking really autistic, though.


Never knows best.
I worked a shitty job ages back, and had this manager called Dave. Dave would always try to chat up the female coworkers, often telling them how he couldn't get a girlfriend and would be alone forever. This probably wasn't inaccurate considering he had a snaggletooth, acne and greasy-ass hair. One of the girls felt sorry for him and agreed to go on a date, only to cancel an hour before after the reality of what her evening was going to be set in. Prior to this, he was bragging about getting a date, so when we all asked how it went and he murmured a weak "I don't want to talk about it." I naturally started paying even closer attention to Dave.

Dave once said "Working at Starbucks would be a great way to find out a girls name," when I said "or you can just ask, man" he replied with: "yeah, if you've got the confidence for it, but I've got shit confidence." So naturally we all started joking by saying stuff like "Working for Uber would be a great way to find out where a girl lives", "working in a shoe store would be a great way to sniff womens feet", "working as a midwife would be a great way to touch some pussy", etc. (I actually knew I guy who unironically said the last one)

He couldn't hack the manager stuff after a while, mostly because people would yell if he fucked things up, which he often did. He's still living with his mother, I think. Which was another thing he tried bragging about on the grounds of it being a good financial decision. Maybe it wasn't a bad financial decision if he was saving up for a deposit or something, but I don't think he had any such plans.


Assistant Mana-Jerk @ Mal-Wart
So to what @Lampey said a few months ago. Arcine and his alts on Gamefaqs are really idiotic. They all have the same exact typing and like an autistic game such as Project X Zone.

From one of his many alt posts...

A "petition" to remove a Pokemon he dislikes from Sword/Shield.


Generic Smash BS

I heard this guy is in his 30s or so. Who painted a person as the bad guy, because they don't like their shitty crossover game. He believes a Project X Zone 3 is being made at the moment, then said they aren't. Which is it?
TBF, isn't everyone on GameFAQs severely autistic?
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