Personal Lolcows -

Travis Touchdown Cumsock

What an absolute travesty.
kiwifarms.net
The guy I posted about before is starting to become self-aware of his shit and I'm nicer than many people here in that I offer both positive and negative criticism, so. Yes, please do get help and get away from those manipulative SJW shitwads you call "friends". They are the ones ruining you, dude.
 

Boris Blank's glass eye

Ring the bell, Roll down the street
kiwifarms.net
Workplace story now. This all happened in one month.

Here's the tale of Dumb Thirsty Motherfucker (DTMF).
I'm working at a university, and as such, it has an "operational archive" on top of its institutional repo. This is also a very bureaucratic organization, so, there are two head archivist positions. We, as in the uni, already had a competent person managing the operational archive, but no one for the institutional repo - enter DTMF. He had the correct qualification, was the right age, and most importantly, had a background the intellectual midgets at the top liked.

Over his first week, DTMF contacted pretty much every female employee on all kinds of business: state of the repo, digitalization of old paper docs, archival planning, availability and state of storage space, whatever he could find. Then, he probably looked them up on Facebook, and invited those young enough for business lunch or brunch. Thirsty motherfucker.

I say probably, since he usually didn't recognize most of them in person, not even those he went after the hardest - or at least acted like he didn't. Dumb motherfucker became a laughing stock on his first week.
And he proved to be fully incompetent too. Terminally dumb. That, however, wasn't a problem, he had a preferential background.

His downfall was a most hilarious incident that was obviously spread all over the place.
So, a new monday arrives, and DTMF is nowhere to be found. Didn't check in, didn't notify his superior of illness, didn't request leave, nothing at all.
So the head librarian, another worthless incompetent mofo pushed in via nepotism, calls him on his personal phone.
According to him (the HL), the conversation went down something like this:
"-So uh, hi, where are you right now?
-I'm home. (in a foreign country)
-Okay, how come?
-I have severe, crippling depression.
-I see, that's unfortunate, get well soon. Do you have an official diagnosis? Are you on sick leave right now?
-I'm, uh, I'm passing the phone to my mom, she'll explain."

Fucker was in his probationary period, so he was fired immediately, via phone. Some people looked him up, he's still on his quest for love. No job ever since then tho.

Edit: I forgot to include his age, which is around 31 this year. Not sure which month.
 
Last edited:

Shield Breaker

^_^
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
We had a math teacher in high school who was a Lolcow. She had three degrees in accounting and one in education. She couldn't teach math worth a damn, and got really angry when people couldn't understand her autistic approach to problem solving. Like, yelling at the class about it, because she thought we were screwing with her. She was also one of 'those' parents. The kind who thought traditional parenting was bad, and would love to interrupt the lesson to tell us how much better her methods were.

I remember one time she came in looking more haggard than usual, and someone asked what was wrong. Turns out that her daughter had kept her up until 4 AM practicing the flute. When we asked why her kid was up at the time, she explained that the kid was allowed to be up whenever she wanted, so long as she got eight hours sleep. Keep in mind that the girl was in six or seventh grade.

Everyone hated her, but especially the class next door. It was a social studies class and the teacher was a coach. Whenever he left the classroom, the kids would talk among themselves. I couldn't hear them, but she must have, because she would run over and yell at them to be quiet. One day the teacher had an emergency or something and was gone for about half of the period. She kept running over there and someone in the class must have been tired of her shit because light tapping started coming from over there. She would go over, and in an increasingly loud voice, demand to know who was doing it, but no one said a word. Finally, she went over and screamed that if she heard one more thing, she was going to have the whole class suspended. She came back to our class, and just as she started her lesson for the eighth time, a text book or something like that hit the wall. She fled the room, bawling her eyes out, and didn't come back for the rest of class.
 

Tatu Carreta2

kiwifarms.net
One member of my family has lolcow tendencies but I dont think he has an internet presence(or at least I dont know about it). I dont want to say his name,he is 31 years old but has only worked for about 9 months of his life,he has mystical delusions,is extremly inmature and a serial moocher. Sorry if this is a little long:

-His mom is a doctor and got him his first job at 18 because she knew the owner of a pastry store,the job was only four hours a day three times a week,but he still skipped worked sometimes and he was so stupid that he would ruin part of the production because of did things wrong and he complained how everyone was always on his ass(the idea that they did that because he fucked everything up didnt occur to him) and he ended up quitting after about 3 months.

-He got a second job about 10 years later as a dishwasher at a restaurant,he had to work like 12 hours a day for shit pay. You might think "thats good at least he got a job" but no,he only got a job because he wanted to save money to go backpacking through south america with his hippie friends (He lives in Argentina and went though several countries in his trip). He quit his job 6 months after he got it and went backpacking for several months with his friends and spent all of his money.

-He started smoking weed in his early 20s and because of that he became the biggest hippie stereotype you can think off,he is a 140lb vegan,he belives in every woo woo you can imagine,he has a picture of a catholic saint in his desk,he has healing crystal and stones,and he practices tarot,he is into reiki,chinese tui na,reflexiology,japanse shiatsu,holistic healing,translation of light,etc. His father died and he is not using his doctors office anymore,so he uses his dad doctors office as an office where people that belive in woo woo non-sense come in and he practices those things on them or gives them massages. You might think "well at least he is making money that way" but he only has like 2 or 3 customers a week,and he charges 8 USD per session so I would be surprised if he is making 1/3 of minimum wage.

-He is extremly inmature,he does autistic things that a child would do,for example one time he saw my cat,flexed his knees as he hunched over,and started flailing his arms saying "KITTY KITTY WOOHOHOHO", another example of his behaviour is when he was talking to my aunt and randomly flexed his knees,got in a squat position and started rocking side to side.

-He is a socialist that belives we should redistribute wealth,last year we went to a fancy restaurant for my birthday and at the end they gave us survey and asked us to fill it,normal stuff,how good was the service? did you like the food? anything we can improve? and he wrote "you should redistribute the wealth". Let me remind you that he only worked for 9 months in the 13 years since he has been an adult and he dropped out of university in his first year,he is typical comunist stereotype of the lazy leech that doesnt work but wants other people money.He has a che guevara shirt and che guevara flag on his room. He didnt said it directly but for the things he says I infer that he thinks having a job is being exploited.

-He mentioned me one time in a conversation that doesnt base his ideas on evidence.He said something like "I used to use evidence,but now I dont anymore" as if that was a good thing.

-Everyone in the family enables him,especially his mom,everyone in the family belives in woo woo so they cant bring themselves to tell him that what he is doing with his "holistic healing" and "reiki massages" is a waste of time because all of them belive in it,he knows that his mom is never going to kick him out of the house and when she dies he is going to inherit about 3 properties(in argentina that like 100 years of minimum wage,so he knows that if he gets a job he will get less money than with inheritance,and he doesnt want to go university,so he is just mooching of his mom until she dies so he never has to work a day in his life).

-He is very narcissistic,he always belive he is right about everything and every time I see him interacting with his mom he treats her like shit,he is spoiled because he never had any responsabilities and knows he doesnt have to grow up because mom will take care of him all his life and will give him more money when she dies that he cloud ever make by working. He talks to people as if he was smart and inteligent but he is a literal communist that never had a job or read a serious book.He is petty and will use any situation,no matter how small,to tell you that you have to do something and how you are making mistakes and need to own up and be responsible,he does that as a way to exert power over people when he is a mess of a person.

-He is a vegan,uses "neutral language" that means he speaks and writes without assuming people gender,instead of saying "nosotros" he says "nosotres",he is a feminist,and a SJW in everything you can imagine.

-He used to do "clown classes",I think its because it gives him a font to act autistic and childish without people thinking he is autistic and childish,he has pictures on his facebook with a clown nose making retarded faces and the soysmile.

-He thinks he is "brown" even though both his parents are white,maybe because he thinks that makes him opressed and cool. Also when he is with new people he starts talking like a poor brown person because he thinks that using poor non-white person words and phrases makes him cool. Oh and he listen to cringe "rap battles".

Edit: I deleted a few things that were not as interesting,I hope you enjoyed reading them.
 
Last edited:

Hongourable Madisha

Happy Hongukkah
kiwifarms.net
The lad who played Simon in Contradiction lives near me. Online he's mostly known for that if he's known at all, but round here he's best known for trooning out, getting banned from a roller derby group for defending "non contact MAPs" (ie paedophiles), showing people his nude photos that he took in a public hotel corridor at some point, telling anyone who'll listen that he and his girlfriend are "super gay", wearing supermarket own brand children's clothes and sending the supermarket photos of him wearing them, and complaining to any business that won't let him use the women's toilets. He got the toilets in a local rock club all made unisex after one complaint, I used to like that place, they had a weekly shitty B-movie showing that was always a laugh. *sigh* From what I hear he's singlehandedly peak transed just about everyone he comes into contact with, so there is that.
 

The Jumping Dwarf

I'm offendered if misgendered
kiwifarms.net
The lad who played Simon in Contradiction lives near me. Online he's mostly known for that if he's known at all, but round here he's best known for trooning out, getting banned from a roller derby group for defending "non contact MAPs" (ie paedophiles), showing people his nude photos that he took in a public hotel corridor at some point, telling anyone who'll listen that he and his girlfriend are "super gay", wearing supermarket own brand children's clothes and sending the supermarket photos of him wearing them, and complaining to any business that won't let him use the women's toilets. He got the toilets in a local rock club all made unisex after one complaint, I used to like that place, they had a weekly shitty B-movie showing that was always a laugh. *sigh* From what I hear he's singlehandedly peak transed just about everyone he comes into contact with, so there is that.

You weren't fucking kidding. "Ve/ver" :story:.

The sad story is he seemed to be a perfectly normal person a few years ago. Troonery, not even once.
 

Hongourable Madisha

Happy Hongukkah
kiwifarms.net
My favourite part is that Simon is a literal cuck who joined a mental cult that has a history of abusing its members but he either doesn't know or doesn't care about any of it. Life imitating art...
 

FuckedUp

kiwifarms.net
I just remembered this UK sped a couple years younger than me, who joined a Skype group I was co-admin in when I was 15. He was some Christfag (think ChristianU2ber or whatever, not modern /pol/ deus vult) who unironically referred to black people as "monkeys" and got dunked on constantly. In 2016 he started using /pol/ to become cool like the rest of us and managed to get indoctrinated by the HRC shills.

I had a pic of him with an "I need feminism" sign but didn't see it in my images folder, so I think I'd have to dig up a hard drive backup to get it. I remember him looking really autistic, though.
 

Banworld

Never knows best.
kiwifarms.net
I worked a shitty job ages back, and had this manager called Dave. Dave would always try to chat up the female coworkers, often telling them how he couldn't get a girlfriend and would be alone forever. This probably wasn't inaccurate considering he had a snaggletooth, acne and greasy-ass hair. One of the girls felt sorry for him and agreed to go on a date, only to cancel an hour before after the reality of what her evening was going to be set in. Prior to this, he was bragging about getting a date, so when we all asked how it went and he murmured a weak "I don't want to talk about it." I naturally started paying even closer attention to Dave.

Dave once said "Working at Starbucks would be a great way to find out a girls name," when I said "or you can just ask, man" he replied with: "yeah, if you've got the confidence for it, but I've got shit confidence." So naturally we all started joking by saying stuff like "Working for Uber would be a great way to find out where a girl lives", "working in a shoe store would be a great way to sniff womens feet", "working as a midwife would be a great way to touch some pussy", etc. (I actually knew I guy who unironically said the last one)

He couldn't hack the manager stuff after a while, mostly because people would yell if he fucked things up, which he often did. He's still living with his mother, I think. Which was another thing he tried bragging about on the grounds of it being a good financial decision. Maybe it wasn't a bad financial decision if he was saving up for a deposit or something, but I don't think he had any such plans.
 

Broseph

Assistant Mana-Jerk @ Mal-Wart
kiwifarms.net
So to what @Lampey said a few months ago. Arcine and his alts on Gamefaqs are really idiotic. They all have the same exact typing and like an autistic game such as Project X Zone.

From one of his many alt posts...



A "petition" to remove a Pokemon he dislikes from Sword/Shield.


"SWORD AND SHIELD BORE ME!"


Generic Smash BS

I heard this guy is in his 30s or so. Who painted a person as the bad guy, because they don't like their shitty crossover game. He believes a Project X Zone 3 is being made at the moment, then said they aren't. Which is it?
TBF, isn't everyone on GameFAQs severely autistic?
 
  • Like
Reactions: Fevur

Better than yew

Furry Lurker
kiwifarms.net
I would say I'm my own favorite personal Lolcow and I luckily grew out of it. I had a cringe filled DA account, I wore a dog collar and have my boyfriend in highschool walk me around on a leash, heck I wore a real fox tail. As in the fox tail was on a live fox and then I wore it. Even though I am still a furry now, I was a more cringy furry too, all my fursonas were Eevees and would take characters from diffrent shows and turn them into furries. I would roleplay PUBLICLY with my friends about topics middleschool/ highschool kids should not be roleplaying about in public, and oh boy I go back to my page and laugh at it so often. Sadly one of my favorite cringy friends in my past has passed away, but the joy I have going back and reading about our furry and human characters sleeping together because they had a virus that made them horny and had like 40 kids, still brings a smile to my face. I would share the link here to it but my old account is linked to my new one, I might share if I get enough people asking for it.
 

Dr. Ricearoni

This isn't even my most autistic form
kiwifarms.net
So back in Highschool we had juniors in our computer lab class. We all had to make websites for our class and while unfortunately they're long gone one autistic junior made a webpage for his call of duty clan called Ghostclan so for shits and giggles we made a ghostbusterclan website with our teacher's permission and he took it personally and made a fucking video response.
 

An Sionnach Seang

Justin Bieber shit's like a cat!
kiwifarms.net
more of Rocket Man, this time featuring the most violent tantrum I've ever seen him have (apart from the thunderstorm freakout)
previous instalments:
an introduction to Rocket Man
Rocket Man races me to work
Rocket Man bawls over a broken umbrella
Rocket Man eats and drinks

a couple of days ago I was in the wash-out area on the shop floor when Rocket Man came flying out of the office and into the break room, shouting, wailing and snapping his fingers; I could see through the window that he was sat on the sofa red-faced, red-eyed and in the grip of a tantrum

when I went into the office a few minutes later he was lying on his back, on the floor, being instructed by my colleague F (his tard wrangler by default) to take deep breaths and calm down; he eventually did so, and went back to his previous task, helping F with customer returns, but while he was doing that he was loudly ranting (he has trouble with volume control) about how he has the worst luck in the world, he never gets what he wants, he's a walking disaster, he'll probably lose this job, he'll have to spend thousands of pounds on therapy (there are NHS-backed organisations that can provide this service for free), and generally reciting a whole litany of misery

after he'd gone for his dinner, I found out the root cause of his tantrum, and to be quite honest I was gobsmacked

like many (man)children, Rocket Man has a Nintendo Switch at home, and has recently got into a game for the Switch which has collectible cards, some of which are rarer than others; in the last week or two he has also discovered ebay, and bought a whole load of packs of these cards

the reason for his tantrum? the packs he bought didn't have any rare cards in them

if this is how he reacts to card games, god only knows how he'll (not) handle something serious like a bereavement
 

An Sionnach Seang

Justin Bieber shit's like a cat!
kiwifarms.net
Was that just the big loud REEEE or are there other deets about this one you can fill us in on?
I was an indirect witness to the REEEing, but my colleague F, who gave him a lift into the city centre, bore the brunt of it; when in her car, with the rain hammering down, he became convinced some unknown third party was trying to kill him (he's legitimately terrified of severe weather), started screaming and rocking, curled into a foetal position, and refused to get out at his bus stop - she eventually managed to unload him at a nearby tram stop once he'd calmed down a bit
the next day, he'd completely forgotten about it
 

Letthepowerofgoutcompelyo

Durr durr durr soshull jusstiss
kiwifarms.net
I have a 500 lb Jessica Yaniv style low effort tranny in my building. They have a tiny yappy dog they stroll around the neighborhood with, gossiping with anybody and everybody. They'll camp out at busstops hoping to catch people and trap them in a conversation.
She/it talks in a less convincing feminine voice than Chris Chan and their cheeks are always flushed from high blood pressure.
The neighborhood has also been targeted for degentrification and they've been giving tards section 8 vouchers so she/it also hangs out with them as they litter cheap 40 ouncers and single serve chip bags and talk about fights they got into ten years ago.
They made a hard play to get some dick from me but if I decide I fuck dudes I can do a hell of a lot better.
 

Shitassdeaddude

kiwifarms.net
I was an indirect witness to the REEEing, but my colleague F, who gave him a lift into the city centre, bore the brunt of it; when in her car, with the rain hammering down, he became convinced some unknown third party was trying to kill him (he's legitimately terrified of severe weather), started screaming and rocking, curled into a foetal position, and refused to get out at his bus stop - she eventually managed to unload him at a nearby tram stop once he'd calmed down a bit
the next day, he'd completely forgotten about it
F is a goddamn trooper, I'll give her that.
 

Shield Breaker

^_^
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
My sister is the biggest cow in my life. She's a little bit older than me, but far less responsible and has some sort of personality disorder. One time, she was supposed to be in charge while both of my parents were at work. I was sick, and was sleeping in. I used to be a heavy sleeper, and slept on my stomach. My sister was bored, so she took rope and tied my arms and legs to the bed posts. Little me was groggy and had a fever, so when I woke up, I wasn't thinking straight. All I knew was that I could only move my head, so I started panicking and crying, and calling for help. My sister started laughing and left me like that until I convinced her I had to go to the bathroom. This was the last time she was left in charge.
 
Tags
None