Personal Lolcows -

Agoraphobic Bullshit

The Town Crier and Boozehound
kiwifarms.net
Lately, my neighbour has been an endless source of entertainment/aggrivation. He sits on his deck and yells racial slurs at anyone that passes his house, even those of his own race. Today he called me a "fucking chink", which was confusing, since I'm very white looking. I yelled back that "cracker" would be more appropriate.

He also cannot fucking figure out how to garden. One day I came out and my lawn was soaking. This was odd, since there had been no rain that day. He'd put a hose in his garden and left it on all night, because he thought "the more water the better" when it came to plants.

He is afraid of the internet. Not certain sites, but the internet itself. He covers his windows in foil and once yelled at me because I had wifi. I thougt he wanted to steal it, but no. He said it was making him sick. This is why I think he isn't on the farms yet- he would totally sperg on the internet if it didn't scare him.

Today he yelled at me for smoking a bong on my property and out of the way of public view (he can see me from his deck though.) He came out and told me I was a dirty-ass nigger and that I should watch out for the kids. I don't have any and neither does he. He's not dangerous so I just sit and chuckle when he acts like a loon.
 

Ghost of Wesley Willis

Whooping Batman's Ass in Heaven
kiwifarms.net
I got a good one right here.

In my more unfortunate days in the brony fandom, there was a chatroom of a forum I used frequently. This was around early 2012, near the time of the peak of the fandom.

You had the usual sort of brony autism you’d expect on a forum dedicated to animated pastel equines, but there was this one user who stuck out like a sore thumb because of her frequent schizoposting interrupting circlejerk sessions about the show. Whenever she joined the chat, she would immediately start sperging out about how the Russian government had bugged her house and had a plan to kill her. She claimed to be a Russian living in the UK, along with having ties to the Russian mafia, and even singlehandedly fending off operatives from the FSB and MVD when they "invaded" her house one night, with nothing more than a kitchen knife and a lead pipe, despite these said operatives being armed with AKs and body armor.

Nobody ever took her seriously, whenever you questioned her sanity, she’d start sperging out about how you’d be targeted next for assassination or some other shit, before it devolved into rambling about the impending apocalypse. Eventually, the moderators started getting sick of her shit and banned her from the chat for a couple days, only for her to stir more shit up when her ban expired. This went on and on for a couple weeks. When she was banned from the chatroom, she’d go on the forums outside of the chatroom and made even more detailed schizoposts about the end times and how it would start with the restoration of the Soviet Union. The mods were still tired of this rambling and started deleting her posts, partially for their incoherent nature, but also posting it in threads with different topics.

This all ended when the chatroom was closed down about a month after this and she just flat out disappeared from the forums. To this day, I still wonder if this was an actual schizo or an absolutely dedicated troll.
 

derpi

Shaped like a girl
kiwifarms.net
Used to go to law school with this guy. He got kicked out for domestic violence, shocking absolutely nobody. Won’t bother providing dox because he does it himself wherever he posts.
He’s obsessed with building his “brand” and believes in some wild conspiracies (anti-vaxx, anything Alex Jones says, aliens). He’s got serious daddy issues and likes to make sure you know he’s not gonna be like his womanizing daddy when he grows up.
Every time he would get called on in class he would be unprepared, swear at his law professors, and generally make an ass of himself. Absolute failure of a gunner that got laughed at whenever he volunteered an answer.
One girl reported him to administration for flashing her. He was really into letting girls know that his penis is average at best. Creeped a lot of us out with his overtly sexual behavior.
One of his more disgusting habits during class was chewing on a cigar through the lecture. Made the entire classroom reek and just looked nasty.
Up until now his online presence has been nonexistent with the exception of his Instagram and pornhub. He doesn’t really know how to use a lot of social media beyond the basics but what little he does post is schizophrenic gold.
His insta is full of generic tryhard “I’m an entrepreneur!” posting. When he discovered you could post multiple images in one post he began uploading normal posts with conspiratard memes tossed in.
The pornhub was a weird one. He used his real name on it. His girlfriend doesn’t shave. Unfortunately it was discovered when he got kicked out and he rage deleted it after a bunch of irl alogs began pestering him about it.
After getting kicked out of law school he moved back to Louisiana with the girl he allegedly beat the shit out of.
Today he uploaded his first YouTube video.
I present to my fellow kiwis:
The Xan John Show
 

Lonely Grave

naked and alone, we die
kiwifarms.net
Used to live in the same college dorm with this cow - literally, considering her substantial girth. She was the end-all wrecking ball of everything - natural deathtouch to everything social. Any 'friends' she had were at best acquaintances and it was obvious her presence was actively shunned or at least barely tolerated. She would attach herself to certain groups without any kind of invitation and butt into conversations without a care, then proceed to openly trash whatever they were talking about or liked if they didn't line up to her interests.

There was this one time when she attached herself to a group of MtG players spontaneously, watched them play in the cafeteria and then went on a long rant about the sexist illustrations on the cards. Needless to say the MtG group rid themselves of her by quickly by breaking up the party whenever she popped up with made-up excuses.

There were several DnD groups in the dorm community and she loved to relate her own weird, edgy fanfiction-esque fantasies whenever they met in the common areas to play or theorycraft. She thoroughly creeped everyone out with these stories and would constantly find herself barred from open games for this reason among others.

By far the worst thing she did personally to me was when I was watching TV in the lounge area with my then-GF and she asked to talk to me privately for a minute. She went on to tell me that my GF was 'easy' and 'didn't deserve me'. I listened in silence and went back to watching TV, but I was livid inside. The next day I told my GF who was similarly furious, both of us resolving to never talk to her again. She didn't do much else by the end of the year, but I did hear that she had suffered several backlashes for her dickish ways and had largely retreated from the college social scene.
 

Floppy Baby

This is not America's Next Top Best Friend!
kiwifarms.net
I keep tabs on someone who posts on the Neoboards frequently (Neopets in-side forums, yes I know autistic) who is a 20-something (maybe older) person pretending to be an 8-year-old boy due to "trauma" and acts as though it's some sort of healthy coping mechanism. They proclaim themself to be obsessed with mayonnaise and rats and carry a stuffed bear everywhere. This person bitches on the Neoboards of all places about the people in their life and claims to "actually be a very hateful person."

Anyway, here's a thread they posted in talking about how they had head lice for five years straight and treated them as friends and were distraught when their stepmother forced them to wash their hair to get rid of them.
2.jpg
1.jpg
 

yasscat

picture a cat that is also a bumblebee
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Used to go to law school with this guy. He got kicked out for domestic violence, shocking absolutely nobody. Won’t bother providing dox because he does it himself wherever he posts.
He’s obsessed with building his “brand” and believes in some wild conspiracies (anti-vaxx, anything Alex Jones says, aliens). He’s got serious daddy issues and likes to make sure you know he’s not gonna be like his womanizing daddy when he grows up.
Every time he would get called on in class he would be unprepared, swear at his law professors, and generally make an ass of himself. Absolute failure of a gunner that got laughed at whenever he volunteered an answer.
One girl reported him to administration for flashing her. He was really into letting girls know that his penis is average at best. Creeped a lot of us out with his overtly sexual behavior.
One of his more disgusting habits during class was chewing on a cigar through the lecture. Made the entire classroom reek and just looked nasty.
Up until now his online presence has been nonexistent with the exception of his Instagram and pornhub. He doesn’t really know how to use a lot of social media beyond the basics but what little he does post is schizophrenic gold.
His insta is full of generic tryhard “I’m an entrepreneur!” posting. When he discovered you could post multiple images in one post he began uploading normal posts with conspiratard memes tossed in.
The pornhub was a weird one. He used his real name on it. His girlfriend doesn’t shave. Unfortunately it was discovered when he got kicked out and he rage deleted it after a bunch of irl alogs began pestering him about it.
After getting kicked out of law school he moved back to Louisiana with the girl he allegedly beat the shit out of.
Today he uploaded his first YouTube video.
I present to my fellow kiwis:
The Xan John Show
...did we go to the same law school?
 

Agoraphobic Bullshit

The Town Crier and Boozehound
kiwifarms.net
Lately, my neighbour has been an endless source of entertainment/aggrivation. He sits on his deck and yells racial slurs at anyone that passes his house, even those of his own race. Today he called me a "fucking chink", which was confusing, since I'm very white looking. I yelled back that "cracker" would be more appropriate.

He also cannot fucking figure out how to garden. One day I came out and my lawn was soaking. This was odd, since there had been no rain that day. He'd put a hose in his garden and left it on all night, because he thought "the more water the better" when it came to plants.

He is afraid of the internet. Not certain sites, but the internet itself. He covers his windows in foil and once yelled at me because I had wifi. I thougt he wanted to steal it, but no. He said it was making him sick. This is why I think he isn't on the farms yet- he would totally sperg on the internet if it didn't scare him.

Today he yelled at me for smoking a bong on my property and out of the way of public view (he can see me from his deck though.) He came out and told me I was a dirty-ass nigga and that I should watch out for the kids. I don't have any and neither does he. He's not dangerous so I just sit and chuckle when he acts like a loon.
My neighborcow has struck again. He seems to have ramped up his particular brand of crazy. He came by and insisted I turn off the internet. I refused because... of course I did. He went home and started throwing random objects onto my lawn. I just sell anything worthwhile and put anything else in the trash, but he thinks he's annoyingi nstead of being amusing. I'm waiting to find out if he gets evicted post covid.
 

Lonely Grave

naked and alone, we die
kiwifarms.net
My neighborcow has struck again. He seems to have ramped up his particular brand of crazy. He came by and insisted I turn off the internet. I refused because... of course I did. He went home and started throwing random objects onto my lawn. I just sell anything worthwhile and put anything else in the trash, but he thinks he's annoyingi nstead of being amusing. I'm waiting to find out if he gets evicted post covid.
I have a similar neighbourcow that screams "FUCK OFF!!!" in the middle of the night, once almost every night. He's got mental issues and is the chief reason my semi-absent other neighbour installed a bunch of cameras on his property. One time crazy neighbourcow was spotted throwing eggs at our floor of units, police got involved, and mental neighbour has lapsed back into playing excessively loud metal music and screaming profanities into the night.
 

Monika H.

Join my Onlyfans ~ ❤
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
One of my SIL's friends is a bit of a lolcow herself.
She's of German descent and she's a massive GDR-boo for some reason, I mean we got a lot of East Germans here but she's the only one who got such a moist-on for a country she never lived in as she was born in 1992. All the others either don't care or outright tell her what a shithole country it was to live in.
Most of her Facebook are Communist or GDR related memes, raging against illegal immigration (that's rich, I thought that Eastern Germans were all about not letting people out, but they welcomed then in) and a lot of GDR sperging - from posting Ampelmanns on Ampelmanns (my theory is that she dreams about getting fucked by him) to defunct GDR companies and brands and how they are better, despite her not having tried any of them.
I check her Facebook for some giggles from time to time, but now it's always this GDR shit and how they would have better handled the Covid-19 pandemic, etc. Oh, and naturally she bought the whole "5G causes Covid and homosexuality" conspiracy theory.
You'd expect such surreal shit to come from some boomer in his 40-50's, not a 28 years old woman.
Autism never changes, no matter what side you are on.

Here you can see her husbando, to get an idea.
Ampelmaennchen.jpg
 

Ophiophagus

kiwifarms.net
So I used to be friends with someone on a petsite - she used to be normal but suddenly drastically changed into a delusional mess after she got banned from it
She was a 26 year old woman obsessed with Travis Touchdown, triggered by the mention of aliens and dragons laying eggs - and believes aliens (who also happen to also be Travis Touchdown?) cured her non-existent intersex condition

She also believes some furry sites have a personal vendetta against her, that they're trying to kill her, that they hacked her friends accounts to manipulate her and so on

Hard to know if she's genuinely mentally ill or doing this for attention - I sway more to the former, but she is a known attention seeker
 

bonitoflakeprincess

kiwifarms.net
would a man who use to be "peace,love, meditation, prayer, crystals, good vibes yoga" and watching some guy have a bunch of young girls enamored with him as he play is guitaur, turning into a (sperging?) antisemetic-homophobic-antivaccine, transphobic, anti public school, anti medication/drug (except for that DMT) right wing Christian? I don't know what he is up to. but his "mr. kumbya, peace, love yoga, good vibes" was annoying to me, so I thought it would be fun for him to go dark.

but one of his kids died last year in a car crash.(one of the good kids)

if you want to know, just look up "boycott evolvefest"

he used to be in my neighborhood. so I only interacted with him when he would do yoga handstands near the beach and be all for that light and love. so not really my lolcow.
 

GO GO GO GO GO GO GO

HERE WE GO
kiwifarms.net
i've recently become aquainted with quite the pair of cows

one is a woman, obsessed with the barbie aesthetic and insecure about her appearance to the point where she regularly photoshops her pictures with the intent of making her nose barely visible. very prone to mental breakdowns, oversharing, and seemingly unaware of why people only view her as either an easy bang or an object of ridicule
the other is an overweight middle aged man with clear mental impairments, horny every moment of the day and willing to make very humiliating things, and i mean VERY humiliating, in order to get the attention of the ladies. he's also keeping this act where we're supposed to believe that the porn videos he posts wherever are him and that he's some unmatched sex god

now, i won't go too deep with the details about both of them individually (i've seen the asshole of one and seen the other cry for an unconfortable amount of time, feel free to pick which is which) but i've seen them give their very best when they're put together in a group chat, with other people having the privilege of partecipating in the mess that is their life against their will. the woman will go on and on and on about how her life is miserable, how she hates herself, how her sex life sucks and yadda yadda, only to be met with the immediate reply of the man, sending her a voice recording that usually goes along the lines of "hey beautiful send me pictures of you naked lets fuck without condom i fuck all the women lets goooo!", rendering any attempt at talking about the woman's feeling kaputt. it's such a sad yet entertaining show, and it only gets better with every time it repeats
 

Agoraphobic Bullshit

The Town Crier and Boozehound
kiwifarms.net
My neighborcow has struck again. He seems to have ramped up his particular brand of crazy. He came by and insisted I turn off the internet. I refused because... of course I did. He went home and started throwing random objects onto my lawn. I just sell anything worthwhile and put anything else in the trash, but he thinks he's annoyingi nstead of being amusing. I'm waiting to find out if he gets evicted post covid.
Neighborcow was quiet for awhile, but yesterday I caught him trying to kill my rhubarb. It's in a pot and isn't going to smother his garden, but he sure as fuck thinks it will. He was jumping up and down in the pot and oddly missing somehow? He stole a stalk and called me a nigger when I chased him off.
 

NerdShamer

kiwifarms.net
Neighborcow was quiet for awhile, but yesterday I caught him trying to kill my rhubarb. It's in a pot and isn't going to smother his garden, but he sure as fuck thinks it will. He was jumping up and down in the pot and oddly missing somehow? He stole a stalk and called me a nigga when I chased him off.
Schizophrenia is an terrible way to go...Especially when they start attacking people.
 

Agoraphobic Bullshit

The Town Crier and Boozehound
kiwifarms.net
Schizophrenia is an terrible way to go...Especially when they start attacking people.
Especially when mixed with rampant stupidity.

He's not so bad when he isn't acting up. He delivers fliers and papers in the community, and has a talent fixing small appliances. I think he just gets that way on drugs or something.
 
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Reactions: Monika H.

Buxinator

Just an average joe
kiwifarms.net
Recently I got a blast from the past. While browsing on Facebook, I was greeted with the anniversary of a "friendship" I almost forgot. So I decided to go back and have a good chuckle with some old posts. Basically it's a dude I met in a group for authors and writers, who is in an early retirement and wanted to become the king of german horror story telling. Some basic background information about this guy, because it is important for the story and supports the giggles.

The has two daughters but is devorced, since his ex-wife found out that she is attracted to women, betrayed him for several years and decided to get rid of him as soon as the daughters left home and went their own way.
Like every lolcow, he was/is very narcisstic, start writing his first book and already calling himself the king of german horror literature, sharing his ideas all over Facebook and thinking that someone big will play with him. He has/had a group of approx. 10 people following him like a cult, which sucked his toes and kept motivating him.
He only wrote one book, more were planned but never realized. Basically the plot is about the eternal fight between heaven and hell, with a chosen won, who will turn the tide. It incluced bloody battles with lots of blood and gore, dead babies and a "hot" lesbian sexscene with some bondage (girl getting tied to an St. Andrews cross, titty and clit rubbing from behind, laying down, getting fucked with a strap-on and simultaniouesly getting her toe sucked).

I first met him in a group, where he introduced himself and uploaded a short story to show off and pretended, that this is a masterpiece. Turned out, that it wasn't. Poorly written, full of errors and a horrible boring plot. What happened was a series of sperg outs, where he flung shit like an enraged monkey, tried to use his fans to get infos, dox and dirt on his critics, who where jealous, failing with it, because not everyone is showing his/her powerlevel on the internet and waging a minidjihad against the admins, who were too lazy to ban him.

Later on the rage quitted the group and left, but joined another group with the same attitude, but this time it got worse. He finished his first draft of his epic novel, decided to extend it and make a triology out of it and was looking for a publisher. One member of the group was indeed a publisher and decided to have a closer look. And here the fun part begins. The publishing company consisted of three progressive, lesbian feminist, who read his draft and, suprise suprise, denied it. They were polite in the denial but it was enough for the guy to wage a complete jihad against them. Not only calling them ugly fat dykes (which is even more funny because one of the women was skinny as fuck) but also telling them, that they should get fucked by a real man to get to their senses. He also wrote some E-mails, in which he threatened to pay them a visit, kill their pets (cats and dogs), then burn their houses down and fuck them first in the pussy, then in the ass and them force feed them their own shit. Guess what happened? The womend sued him and the was punished by the court.

During the court trial the layed low, besides some facebook posts in which he was ranting about the unfairness of the judicial system and so on. After the trial he was banned from the group, because he was messaging a female admin, starting dirty talk and sending her dickpics including the description of things he would do to her. She saved everything and posted it in the group and everyone had a good laugh. It was around that time, when I got ahold of the final draft of his manuscript, therefore I send him a friend request, which he accepted. I did something like a commentary reading of it, recorded it and shared it with friends via a USB-Stick to be on the safe side. It was really boring and more or less a cheap trashy copy of a movie that tried to impose as Gods Army.

Fast foreward a few months and somehow he found a publisher. He was happy and his fanclub was already asking for signatures, meet ups and a release party. But then reality came around the corner and the success wasn't coming. The few copies were sold out but the demand wasn't high enough to reprint it, therefore it is lost. Somehow this event cured him from sperging, and the isn't quite active on the internet. Usually he is posting a youtube video with songs from Iron Maiden or Judas Priest and stays away from art. Somehow sad, because it was always a pleasure to see him sperging out and making a fool out of himself.
 
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