Personal Lolcows -

Ciscoipphone

They're GRRREAT!!
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The levels of spergery, passive aggression and powerlevelling I have to deal with daily, this is on the discussion of whether or not you should rinse raw chicken

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Caramelized Squid

I mean... alright? I guess?
kiwifarms.net
had this absolute idiot of a chick in my year level when I went to high school.

So Celine was easily 200kg at age 16. She constantly over shared and never knew when to shut up. Some notable moments:
- She would constantly show off her fucking slit wrists at any and all moments just to get a crumb of attention.

- Her mum was a druggie so she lived with her grandma who she constantly talked shit about. No regard for the poor, frail, elderly woman who had to feed this beast.

- In year 11 she was determined to loose weight so did she exercise and eat right like everyone else? Fuck no! Why do that when you can become bullemic and fucking talk about it non-stop. She once told my friend how upset and angry she was because on the weekend she went out to lunch in a nice restaurant and some poor man, eating his food, yelled at her because she would eat the food and then spit it out in a vomit bag in a packed restaurant full of people. How dare he!

- She also tried to say our IT teacher tried to sexually assault her because he kicked her out of class. I don't know why anyone would believe that this man (or any man) would want to be a foot near this beast let alone sexually assault her.

- She would fucking sing everywhere even though she sucked at singing and no one wanted to hear it.

In the end she dropped out of school and I haven't heard from her since
 

Banworld

Never knows best.
kiwifarms.net
In school I shared a class with a guy known as 'Squirrel Kid'. Squirrel Kid earned his name for his buckteeth, and the squirrel impression he'd do with them. He thought it made him likeable, when in reality it only made people laugh at him more.

Squirrel Kid was obsessed with cowboys, to the extent that he would tell me that the insult 'son of a gun' was the worst thing you could say to someone as it implied their father is an outlaw. He rode a moped to school, and would ask everyone else who did if they wanted to start a 'motorcycle gang'.

Our teacher was an unhinged lesbian who just stopped showing up to school halfway through the year, so people were given full reign to fuck with Squirrel Kid. One day, Squirrel Kid announced that he was going to kill himself, excused himself to another room, where, through the window, we watched him pulling on his own tie in an attempt to 'hang himself'.

Someone got the idea to use a wedge to block the door, and trap him in the room, and he had to climb out through the window to get out. Afterwards, he said that we'd feel bad for laughing at him when he got home and threw himself out of his window, to which my friend replied 'Don't you live in a bungalow?'

Squirrel Kid makes videos on YouTube to this day, he's been making 'cowboy movies' for years, and has yet to learn the basics of scriptwriting, cinematography, editing or even basic composition. Many a good evening has been had by putting on his videos with a few drinks.
 

NerdShamer

kiwifarms.net
In school I shared a class with a guy known as 'Squirrel Kid'. Squirrel Kid earned his name for his buckteeth, and the squirrel impression he'd do with them. He thought it made him likeable, when in reality it only made people laugh at him more.

Squirrel Kid was obsessed with cowboys, to the extent that he would tell me that the insult 'son of a gun' was the worst thing you could say to someone as it implied their father is an outlaw. He rode a moped to school, and would ask everyone else who did if they wanted to start a 'motorcycle gang'.

Our teacher was an unhinged lesbian who just stopped showing up to school halfway through the year, so people were given full reign to fuck with Squirrel Kid. One day, Squirrel Kid announced that he was going to kill himself, excused himself to another room, where, through the window, we watched him pulling on his own tie in an attempt to 'hang himself'.

Someone got the idea to use a wedge to block the door, and trap him in the room, and he had to climb out through the window to get out. Afterwards, he said that we'd feel bad for laughing at him when he got home and threw himself out of his window, to which my friend replied 'Don't you live in a bungalow?'

Squirrel Kid makes videos on YouTube to this day, he's been making 'cowboy movies' for years, and has yet to learn the basics of scriptwriting, cinematography, editing or even basic composition. Many a good evening has been had by putting on his videos with a few drinks.
Somewhere, an Texan is crying over this.
 

EspieBun

kiwifarms.net
Man, I have so many stories about so many people I've met. I'll start with someone I knew in my high school years. I've never written one of these before, so sorry for any confusing writing/grammar and walls of text.

Putting under a spoiler because it got very long, but I had a lot to say about her.
There was a girl who was two or three years my senior, and was a full on transtrender, mentally challenged type, with all the worst bells and whistles. We'll call her Kay.

I was part of our school's GSA that I joined with some friends for club credit, and that's where I met Kay.

Kay was basically everything people make fun of when it comes to "cute uwu soft bois"; white like printer paper, tall and lanky, probably got called a boy on accident as a child and fucked her whole life up. She was agender, and wanted to be called by it/its pronouns. She had this horrible deep-fried short hair from overdying that flipped from black to bleached blond on a days notice, along with acne scars that could be seen from across the room. She had an actually fairly masculine face and body, but it got canceled out by the most nasally and feminine voice with a laugh that sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

She was also super autistic, though she claimed she was ADHD (why not both), and would chew on those silcone stim toys loudly and obnoxiously, and flap her hands during our meetings. She wouldn't stop fidgetting in her seat, even standing up and walking around to "stim" while somebody was talking. When you would talk to her, she would stare absently at you, and when she was bored, interrupt and go on a sperg about whatever.

Kay was also a very forward "aromantic asexual" that would get visibly upset if you talked about intimate relationships or romance since "she couldn't feel that", but then she would turn around and draw explicit pornography of her OCs and show it to our peers (more on that later). She basically stole an entire GSA meeting to explain to a group of mostly disinterested teenagers the concept of queerplatonic relationships and why they were just as valid as romantic.

She was also a hardcore otherkin/fictionkin, obsessed with children's cartoon characters. I know this because she gave me her tumblr blog and had a page of about 30-40 characters of various origins (ex. Danny Phantom, Jack Frost (RotG), Fucking Pajama Sam), along with unique tags for each of their aesthetics and posts. Some of this stuff would leak into her real life, like dying her hair black to blond to white depending on her current character obsession.

I should also mention that Kay was an artist! It wasn't anything special, just your typical SJW style art of trans-postive fanart, as well as being a furry. And while I never saw it, a classmate claimed that she had shown them explicit porn of her characters that ranged from regular nsfw to weird guro shit. Fun stuff.

Going back to the asexual thing, Kay also had a "QPP" (queer-platonic partner) at our school, a person who was equally batshit, and they were like super BFFs. But something happened between them and they stopped being friends and cut ties. Kay's QPP had gotten a more normal girlfriend and ditched Kay's crazy ass... and this is when Kay kinda lost it?

A friend of mine that was closer with Kay said she just got progressively crazier. My friend said that Kay had tried to come on to her and her friends multiple times, even though Kay was 18-19 and they was 15-16. (So much for being asexual)

Other people who knew her would testify saying talking to Kay was a dangerous game, that she was volatile and could go from nice and calm to being absolutely batshit and angry, yelling and cursing, then having an autism meltdown and giving herself scratches or whatever.

I hung out with Kay a few times because despite all the autism and weirdness, she was nice enough to me and could sometimes be interesting to talk to. Once GSA was over, I didn't see her anymore since we didn't share classes. She graduated, and I thought that was the last I'd ever see of her.

.... Except I didn't. Kay stuck around like some kind of disease. She would show up to school events DESPITE already having graduated. It was definitely uncomfortable because her prescence made a lot of our peers weirded out. The one time I tried to be friendly and greet her at an event, she said she could not recognize me and blamed it on her ADHD, despite the fact we had literally hung out multiple times, exchanged numbers, and had texted on occasion.

Anyway, I could say a lot more about her, but this post is long enough as it is. I still have some of her current social media so every once in a while I check on her - she still is a weird otherkin, still a furry, and still a uwu transgender using they/them. She still draws furries for money, and recently bought a fursuit. At some point she also started claiming the Disabled card, which AFAIK is connected to having weak bones or something. She's not nearly as active as she used to be online.
 

Longcat

Feline of Extraordinary Length
kiwifarms.net
This woman I know from university is the most delusional person I've ever met - she's a munchie who claims at least 8 different disabilities/illnesses and her gender identity/sexuality changes every week. Claimed to be lesbian at one point but then tried to steal my man, when I called her out on it she said "actually I'm bi". Also she claims indigenous heritage despite being white as snow.

She's at least 35 and has never worked a day in her life - just hops from degree to degree accumulating student debt, and spends her government allowance on gambling, meth and junk food. A mutual friend, bless his heart, has had to bail her out multiple times after she squandered her rent money at the casino. Being diabetic she's ended up in the ER multiple times after eating whole pizzas and guzzling Mountain Dew, and does it to herself on purpose to get out of attending classes.
 

NerdShamer

kiwifarms.net
This woman I know from university is the most delusional person I've ever met - she's a munchie who claims at least 8 different disabilities/illnesses and her gender identity/sexuality changes every week. Claimed to be lesbian at one point but then tried to steal my man, when I called her out on it she said "actually I'm bi". Also she claims indigenous heritage despite being white as snow.

She's at least 35 and has never worked a day in her life - just hops from degree to degree accumulating student debt, and spends her government allowance on gambling, meth and junk food. A mutual friend, bless his heart, has had to bail her out multiple times after she squandered her rent money at the casino. Being diabetic she's ended up in the ER multiple times after eating whole pizzas and guzzling Mountain Dew, and does it to herself on purpose to get out of attending classes.
The couch surfing lifestyle eventually catches up to people; although, in her case, she's going to be dead or in prison if she keeps this up as opposed to just getting kicked out.
 

Actinidia

kiwifarms.net
I heard from mutual friends that a high school classmate, who was about the most basic white girl imaginable other than being one of the "fat kids" (read: about average size by today's standards, quite tubby by 90's), has declared for this Pride month that she is "nonbinary", because of course she has. We are ~40. I miss when a midlife crisis meant buying a Corvette.

I think it's driven by the fact that she has been fired from or otherwise alienated everyone at every job she's qualified for/capable of doing in the entire state and needs a source of income that doesn't require you to contribute anything to society. Thus becoming a persecuted trans person who can now demand gibs online. Gonna take a lot of gibs, she went from somewhat fat to spherical in the 20something years since.

She'll remain a personal lolcow, since being a 400 lb fictionkin transtrender just isn't that unusual in the extremely online anymore.
 

NerdShamer

kiwifarms.net
I heard from mutual friends that a high school classmate, who was about the most basic white girl imaginable other than being one of the "fat kids" (read: about average size by today's standards, quite tubby by 90's), has declared for this Pride month that she is "nonbinary", because of course she has. We are ~40. I miss when a midlife crisis meant buying a Corvette.

I think it's driven by the fact that she has been fired from or otherwise alienated everyone at every job she's qualified for/capable of doing in the entire state and needs a source of income that doesn't require you to contribute anything to society. Thus becoming a persecuted trans person who can now demand gibs online. Gonna take a lot of gibs, she went from somewhat fat to spherical in the 20something years since.

She'll remain a personal lolcow, since being a 400 lb fictionkin transtrender just isn't that unusual in the extremely online anymore.
There's always porn. People will fap to anything nowadays...If she lays off the transtrender shit.
 
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TheImportantFart

Ronnie Barking Spider
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net

The world is burning down around us, a deadly virus is on the loose, there's a lot of uncertainty about everything right now...

And I have a doozy of a Rufus update for you all.

Rufus Wars: Spergels

(It was that or The High Spergpublic, pick your fucking poison)

As I said in an earlier update, Rufus's sister moved out of their parents' house to live with friends last November. She didn't return home when the lockdown was imposed for two reasons:
  1. One of her housemates caught the Coronavirus (or suspected Coronavirus) and the whole house had to self-isolate for two weeks. Thankfully no-one else caught it.
  2. Would you really have wanted to spend nearly three months stuck with Rufus 24/7? I think not.
She still called home from time to time and got some news about Rufus, which she relayed to me, but I didn't think it was worthy of a dedicated update until now.

Essentially, Rufus has used the lockdown as another excuse not to get a job. To be fair, he sort of has a point since trying to get hired anywhere during the lockdown is nigh-on impossible, but places like the Civil Service are still recruiting and he could also do volunteer work.

His parents have tried to keep him busy by giving him jobs to do around the house, which he's undertaken with his customary bad grace. One day, his Dad paid him £10 an hour (well above minimum wage) to do some shredding for him. I'm going to repeat that - he was paid £10 an hour to sit by the shredder and feed paper through it. Boring? Yes. Difficult? No. Easy money? Fuck yes.

And he still fucked it up. His Dad checked on him at the end of the day to discover the paper pile had barely shrunk. When he asked Rufus why he'd done basically fuck all, Rufus explained that he wanted to watch the TV while doing the job, but couldn't because the shredder made it too loud to hear, and he'd opted for the TV over the shredding. The idea of subtitles either didn't occur to him, or he couldn't be bothered to read.

As Brtifags know, the lockdown's been eased somewhat over the past few weeks and as of last weekend you don't need a loicence for one person to visit their family indoors, so Rufus's sister decided to go home for a visit. She was supposed to go the weekend before, but the shitty weather put the kibosh on those plans.

During the visit, she found out that by hook or by crook, Rufus has now seen The Rise of Skywalker. There's been some speculation as to how Rufus would react upon seeing it, especially since Rufus's own script for Episode IX (Rage of the Force) ended up being so similar.

Well, those similarities were not lost on Rufus. But rather than hypocritically flipping out at Disney for committing the same screenwriting sins he did, Rufus is now operating under the delusion that Disney read his script for Episode IX and copied his ideas, but added in a load of "dumb stuff" which in his words "ruined it". Apparently, he's gone so far as to look into launching a copyright lawsuit against Disney for stealing his ideas.

I'm not sure what the particulars of such a lawsuit would be or the level of damages he'd be seeking (assuming Rufus has thought that far ahead himself), but to break this down, Rufus sent his script in around October last year, when The Rise of Skywalker was deep into post production. I know there were a lot of reshoots and rejigs going on, but he seriously thinks someone read his insane scrawl of a script, thought "This is good stuff" and then changed the entire plot less than two months before release to fit around it.

Actually, considering the finished film, maybe that's not such a crazy theory after all.

But I didn't put up this post just to tell you those tidbits.

Oh no. A far greater treasure was uncovered during the visit.

Longtime followers of Rufus may remember that he announced shortly after finishing his Episode IX script that he was considering writing a spin-off dedicated to his fanfic waifu Aravis Fett. I'd basically given up all hope that we were ever going to see that script and resigned myself to the fact that, along with Rufus's audition tape for Solo, it would take its place as another lost artifact of Rufusology.

Well holy moly, it must be my birthday (it was actually my birthday recently - and I didn't even wish for this. Lucky me).

While they were in the sitting room having tea, Rufus's sister noticed a large pile of papers on a side table, and on top was Rufus's script for Episode VII. She flicked through the rest of the pile out of curiosity (sure enough, the scripts for Episode VIII and IX were in there) and thank fuck she did (and thank fuck Rufus left them lying around) because at the bottom was the script for Rufus's Aravis spin-off.

Thanks to a quick sneak to the toilet and some fast photography work, a dreary beginning to my week was turned into an absolute laugh riot as I read through probably the greatest piece of insanity to come from Rufus's mind yet. Seriously, this script has given me even greater doubts about his mental state.

So sit back, relax and get ready to laugh and/or cringe as I take you through the plot of this delightful coda to Rufus's Sequel Trilogy, simply titled Aravis. You may remember that Rufus put the storyline for this film up for a vote, asking people to decide whether it would be an origin story for Aravis or about her relationship with Jace. Well either the vote came back as a 50/50 split or, more likely, no-one voted and Rufus decided to answer his own question with "Yes" and the result is as follows:

The script kicks off in a way haven't seen since... I guess The Two Towers where it begins during a scene from an earlier film, then continues that scene from the point of view of a character who's been knocked into a pit.

If you hadn't guessed, the scene in question is the skiff battle from Return of the Jedi and the character in question is Boba Fett being knocked into the Sarlacc pit. Only this time we follow him down the Sarlacc's throat and get to see how he escapes.

I'm sure everyone who's never read anything from the Expanded Universe was very eager to see just how Boba Fett managed to escape the Sarlacc, but if you were one of those people, you're going to be disappointed, because the escape as portrayed in this script is really fucking boring. Boba Fett just uses his gauntlets to climb out. At least Rufus did us the mercy of fast forwarding past what I'm sure was a torturously long climb.

Upon escaping the Sarlacc, Boba Fett realises that Jabba's Sail Barge has long since been blown up and everyone's gone home. After lamenting that this means he won't get paid, Boba Fett limps back to Jabba's Palace to pick up Slave I (no word on whether he got any parking tickets).

Once there, he's ambushed by a Twi'lek assassin who says she's going to bring him in. He dismisses her, and she fires at him, only to have the blaster bolt bounce harmlessly off his super plot resistant armour. Annoyed, Boba Fett takes out his flamethrower and proceeds to barbecue her... only to realise that she bought her kids with her and he's just torched their mum in front of them. What kind of assassin brings their kids along on a mission? Is childcare really that hard to sort out?

After giving the kids a "No hard feelings" (that's the actual line - all that's missing is a sad trombone), Boba Fett heads back to Concord Dawn where his pregnant wife Sintas Vel is about to give birth. I'd love to see Boba Fett's schedule sometime. Deliver frozen smuggler to fat slug monster at 8, support pregnant wife at 9.

During the birthing, something goes wrong and the Mandalorian Doctor (yes, that's his actual name) has to perform an emergency c-section to save the baby. Unfortunately, Sintas Vel loses a lot of blood during the operation and dies after naming the baby Aravis. After a single mean look at the Doctor, Boba Fett gets over the death of his wife remarkably quickly and takes his newborn daughter off to show her how she will one day rule over a collection of tents. She shows her gratitude by being sick on him. I will admit, I laughed (somewhat) unironically at that.

The script then fast forwards a number of years to shortly before Aravis makes her first appearance in the Episode VIII script. Boba Fett is on his way to Scissoria (planet of the lesbians?) and has agreed to let Aravis tag along, together with her boyfriend Brosh Golin (gee, I wonder what the inspiration for that name was) and her best friend/hanger-on Vergis Sneed, who seriously challenges Ser Jorah for the title of Lord Friendzone. As will become clear, Vergis is yet another example of Rufus writing a character who's more true to him IRL than his intended Gary Stu self-insert.

Once on the planet, Aravis, Brosh and Vergis go off to look at the market while Boba Fett heads off to do an unspecified job. Aravis spies a fashion salon and drags Vergis off to have a look, while Brosh goes off to look at the weapons. Rufus's progressive attitude to gender politics shines through once again.

The fashion salon is run by two female Twi'leks called Jerzee and Jaze. So a piece of knitwear and another name which is a hair's breadth from Jacen/Jace. Where do you get your inspiration for these names Rufus?

Jerzee and Jaze descend on Aravis and slap loads of makeup on her, while Vergis stands awkwardly off to the side. Then, Jaze grabs Aravis and demands that she tell them where Boba Fett is, otherwise her face will be painted like an Ugnaut (seriously). Aravis calls for Vergis to help her, but he's already made a break for it.

Vergis runs off to find Brosh and the two of them rush back to the fashion salon to find Aravis tied to a chair. We're 17 pages into this crap and Aravis is already a damsel in distress. In her own film. What do you think this is Rufus, The Perils of Penelope Pitstop? If you're going to go that route, at least have seven plucky Ewoks show up to rescue her rather than a pair of teenage dirtbags.

Vergis demands that Jerzee and Jaze release Aravis, and they offer to trade her for Boba Fett. Brosh and Vergis then try to fite them IRL to get Aravis back, but get owned immediately. All looks lost until Boba Fett shows up. He demands to know who Jerzee and Jaze are, and they reveal that they're the kids of the assassin he torched years ago. So to get their plan straight, they went to the expense of setting up a fashion salon on a planet that Boba Fett might visit, for the sole purpose of luring in his daughter as a hostage. If they already know he's going to be there, why not just kill him straight away?

Jerzee tries to shoot Boba Fett, but makes the same mistake her mother did and forgets about his super plot resistant armour. Boba Fett then proceeds to roast her and her sister in the same way he did their mother, and Aravis yells at Vergis for abandoning her.

Back on Concord Dawn, Boba Fett banishes Brosh and Vergis for failing to protect Aravis, with Vergis leaving as a blubbering wreck. Aravis feels a bit sad about this, but Boba Fett gives her a pep talk about how she'll find a real man someday, before taking her off to practice something called the Keldabe handshake. That's may well be a thing in the Expanded Universe, but to me it just sounds like a euphemism for wanking.

We then fast forward a bit further in time to find Jace Solo making a fool of himself on a ski slope, Bridget Jones-style. Aravis is with him and Rufus goes into great detail about how she's wearing a skintight ski suit that no doubt makes it look like she's wearing


Jace whines that he wants to go back to the beach and Aravis agrees with him. It's then revealed that Jace and Aravis are on their honeymoon following the events of Episode IX. Rufus shows off his incredible gift for naming planets again and calls the honeymoon planet Paradiso. The beach setting also gives Rufus an excuse to include more swimwear cheesecake of his waifu, but I guess it's at least somewhat justified this time.

As they're relaxing on the beach, Brosh (now sporting an eyepatch) appears along with Vergis. Jace immediately becomes jealous when Aravis recognises both of them and even more so when Brosh reveals that he's now the owner of a large watercraft called the Concordia.

Brosh offers to take them on a tour of the Concordia and Aravis agrees, dragging along a reluctant Jace. Onboard, Brosh reveals he's lined up the Bith band Fingrin D'an and the Modal Nodes (before you laugh, that's the official name of the Cantina Band from A New Hope) to perform at a party the next night called the Luna Ball and he invites Jace and Aravis to attend. He also reveals that he has Gamorreans as his bodyguards, keeps a juvenile Sarlacc as a pet and has a luxurious bedroom which he laments is the world's largest wanking chariot because he has no-one to share it with.

Back at the hotel, Jace throws a massive sulk over the fact Aravis and Brosh were once a couple and goes to bed in a huff like a little child. This script gives a terrifying insight into Rufus's ideas of how relationships work. Reading this, I'm more grateful than ever Phoebe escaped his clutches (mostly) unscathed.

Later that night, shadowy figures descend on the hotel room and carry off Aravis. Rufus grabs hold of one of them and sees he's wearing an armband that has the same logo as the Concordia, but the henchman manages to get away, despite being left behind by the other henchmen and having to re-enact the lightning tours sketch from It's Marty.

On the Concordia, Brosh shoots down a Galactic Alliance Cruiser that's passing by, before going to meet the returning henchmen. He hands Aravis off to Vergis to do god knows what with and punishes the henchman who was late by throwing him to the Sarlacc.

The next day, Jace decides he's going to infiltrate the Luna Ball to find out what happened to Aravis. Once there, he corners Vergis and starts interrogating him as to Aravis's whereabouts, but before he can get very far, Brosh appears and announces to the guests that Aravis will be the entertainment for that evening. Aravis appears and starts singing... I wish I was making this up... "On a Night Like This" by Kylie Minogue.

1407455855224.jpg

At least with the Spandau Ballet shit from Episode IX, Rufus only suggested putting that in. Here, he's just dumped a Kylie song into the middle of his script. He even scripted a fucking Protocol Droid singing the "On a on a on a on a on a on a" part of the song:

Onaonaonaonaonaona.png

I can imagine the poor Protocol Droid objecting to this indignity: "I'm programmed for etiquette and protocol! Not early 2000s Eurodance!"

To be fair, Rufus does leave a note suggesting the song be replaced with something more "Star Wars-y", but for someone with aspirations of being a professional screenwriter, that's lazy and unprofessional as all hell:

Lazy.png

Aravis finishes her song and Brosh appears to announce his engagement to Aravis. Aravis doesn't seem to object to this and stands there staring blankly, but Jace causes a massive scene which leads to him getting escorted away. Brosh takes Jace off to one side and explains that Aravis doesn't love him anymore because he upset her with his behaviour the night before. He gives Jace a spiel about how if he loves her he'll let her go, then orders him to be escorted out.

Jace manages to escape as he's being taken away, but ends up running into the Sarlacc room. He grapples with a henchman and they fall into the Sarlacc pit. Brosh thinks they've been eaten and leaves, but Jace has managed to balance on the Sarlacc's beak and the henchman is clinging to the side of the pit. After the henchman tries to kick Jace in the balls (no, really) and overbalances, he's eaten by the Sarlacc and Jace makes his escape.

At the hotel, Jace calls up Han and explains what's happened. Han admits that he was going to give Jace a call anyway due to the Galactic Alliance Cruiser that disappeared over Paradiso which Han reveals is carrying some very deadly missiles(TM). Han agrees to come Paradiso to help Jace out, along with Jacen and Jaina. Han makes the mother of all Dad jokes when he arrives and says this will be a "Solo mission", a joke that's rendered nonsensical almost immediately when Boba Fett shows up and berates Jace for losing Aravis again.

Han, Jace, Jacen and Jaina decide to dive down to find the Galactic Alliance Crusier in the sea, while Boba Fett stays on dry land scaring beachgoers. They find the Galactic Alliance Cruiser and see the missiles have been nicked, before they're attacked by Brosh's henchmen. @CWCissey will be pleased to hear that Rufus has maintained the continuity from Episode IX of Han being a Jedi. Every time I read the words "Han activates his lightsaber", it makes me want to punch a wall.

They fight off Brosh's henchmen but as they're returning to the surface, Jace sees Aravis swimming above them. He swims up to her, but she ignores him, until he grabs hold of her and a band she's wearing around her head falls off, at which point she passes out and Jace has to drag her to shore.

Once on dry land, Jace revives Aravis, who's shocked to discover that she's engaged to Brosh. Jace and Aravis theorise that the band Jace knocked off her head is a mind control device Brosh has been using to brainwash her. Goddamn this got creepy fast.

Jace says that unfortunately Aravis will have to go back to the Concordia and pretend to still be under the influence of the mind control device so Brosh doesn't realise they're onto him. Trouble is, Jace has managed to break the mind control device, so Aravis has to pretend it's still working. Aravis goes back to the Concordia just in time for Brosh to make his big villain speech. He transmits a message to the new Galactic Alliance capital world of Da Soocha V and says he'll nuke them with the missiles he stole unless they give him


He actually asks for 10 billion, but that's not much better. I know Coruscant got nuked in Rufus's Episode VIII script and I'm not sure what the dollar to republic credit conversion rate is, but I'd still have hoped the Galactic Alliance's GDP would be higher than the average African banana republic. Leia contacts Han and says they can't possibly pay the ransom and Han agrees they need to take the fight to Brosh.

On the Concordia, Brosh tries to kiss Aravis, but she slaps him across the face before he can. Brosh realises the mind control device isn't working any more and drags Aravis off to torture her for information about how much the Solos know about his plans. It was during this scene, with the dialogue copied almost word for word from another film that I realised something I should've cottoned onto a lot earlier.

A villain with an eyepatch who operates out of a boat in a tropical setting, whose plan is to use missiles to extort a large amount of money from the government and who keeps an exotic pet that he feeds incompetent henchmen to.

This whole time, Rufus has been ripping off Thunderball.

:story: :story: :story:

I've commented in this post and earlier ones about Rufus's atrocious attitude to gender politics in these scripts, but he's really outdone himself here. He's taken a 60s Bond film, which itself doesn't have a reputation for being especially progressive in that regard, and somehow made it more sexist. In the original film, Domino was sent back to the Disco Volante for the same reason Aravis was, so that the villain won't be alerted to the hero's plan. But Bond's plan in Thunderball was a lot stealthier than this one, which is very crude by comparison. Boba Fett comments that he could destroy the Concordia before Brosh ever figures out what's going on, and that's essentially what ends up happening. In Thunderball Domino was also caught while she was trying to find out if the missiles were on board the Disco Volante, i.e. she was actually advancing the plot and helping foil the villain. Aravis is literally just in this situation so Rufus can re-enact scenes from a superior film with his shit OCs.

Meanwhile, Han and co start putting their plan to attack the Concordia into action. Boba Fett and Chewie pilot a speeder out to the Concordia and Boba Fett starts firing rockets over it to provide a distraction while Han, Jace, Jacen and Jaina approach under the water. Vergis runs off to warn Brosh that they're under attack and is horrified to see Aravis being tortured. After Brosh runs off to confront Boba Fett, Vergis has an attack of conscience, unties Aravis and they start to make their escape. Another scene completely ripped off from Thunderball.

Elsewhere, Brosh starts trading insults with Boba Fett. They're just about to reach the yo mama jokes stage when Han, Jace, Jacen and Jaina arrive. Brosh sends in the Gamorrean guards to deal with them, but they're no match and Brosh makes his escape through a trapdoor to one of the lower decks.

Han, Jace, Jacen, Jaina, Chewie and Boba Fett chase after him and meet up with Aravis and Vergis. They follow Brosh to the Sarlacc room where he attacks Jace and tries to throw him into the Sarlacc pit. Vergis runs up behind Brosh and kicks him into the Sarlacc pit. The Sarlacc finds him too toxic and spits him out, but Boba Fett stamps down on his head, killing him.


This is yet another scene Rufus has stolen from Thunderball, with the only difference once again being he's made it more sexist than the original. In Thunderball, it was Domino who ended up killing the main villain (and her abuser) and saving Bond in the process. It's not the most effective lampshading of the damsel in distress trope, but for a 60s Bond film it's surprisingly forward-thinking. Here, Brosh is killed by two people who aren't Aravis. Seriously Rufus, this is like shooting fish in a barrel, how the fuck do you mess up like this?

As everyone's standing around congratulating themselves, they suddenly realise that Aravis and Vergis have gone. They run up to the entertainment deck, only to find that Vergis has put another mind control device on Aravis. Vergis announces that Aravis is his now, and uses a load of mechanical tentacles he secretly installed in the floor to trap Han, Jace, Jacen, Jaina, Chewie and Boba Fett.

Han uses the force (I can't believe I just wrote that) to fire Jace's blaster at Vergis, releasing Jace from the tentacle that's trapping him. Jace runs up to Vergis and they fight, with Vergis going on an incel rant about how he's waited his whole lonely life for Aravis.

Han uses the force (ugh, just stop) to cut the controls for the tentacles off Vergis's wrist, releasing the rest of them and Boba Fett kills Vergis with his jetpack missile. You missed another chance to not have this be the most sexist script in the history of screenwriting, Rufus. Bravo.

Jace frees Aravis from the mind control device and she gets all smug about how Jace doubted he's only the man she's ever loved. Jace apologises, but Aravis says he's not getting off that easily and then she starts singing... "What Took You So Long" by Emma Bunton.

What the fuck is an Emma Bunton song doing in a goddamn Star Wars script?

Ugh, let's get this over with, I can't take much more of this crap. Han, Jacen, Jaina, Chewie and Boba Fett leave, with the Millennium Falcon u-hauling the Concordia away, and Jace and Aravis are left to resume their honeymoon. The script just kind of... ends. And not a moment too soon.

I think the thing which annoys me most about this script is the fact it's called Aravis, and yet the title character is relegated to a supporting role. Apparently Rufus applies the title logic of The Legend of Zelda series to his writing.

I'll link the full script to this post. I must warn you that some of the pages are a bit difficult to read, but none of it's illegible and I'm actually surprised it came out as well it did. You'll just have to squint a bit, and you'll probably be doing that anyway given the content.

I'm not sure how Rufus found time to write this script, considering his computer use is so tightly monitored at the moment, but I guess dedication to the craft is a good thing. Or would be if he was writing something worthwhile. No idea if this one got sent to Lucasfilm, but based on past experience, it probably did.

I don't know if Rufus is going to write another script after this, but if he does, I'm expecting a full-on Star Wars pop opera featuring the hits of B*Witched, the Sugababes and All Saints, with a plot ripped off from Live and Let Die. :story::story::story:

Link to @CWCissey's amazing synopsis.
 

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PurpleSquirrel

"He who dies with the most stories, wins."
kiwifarms.net

TheImportantFart

Ronnie Barking Spider
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Always puts a smile on my face when I get tagged in a Rufus update. Just out of curiosity, did he get his mitts on a certain Disney Plus?
No idea. Like I say, it’s not clear whether he watched The Rise of Skywalker by hook or by crook.
Speaking of Star Wars, Alec Guinness once allegedly made a boy vow to never watch Star wars again. I wonder how things would've gone had that boy been Rufus, instead of him having that party...
Things could’ve been so different...
 

CWCissey

Charming Man
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net

The world is burning down around us, a deadly virus is on the loose, there's a lot of uncertainty about everything right now...

And I have a doozy of a Rufus update for you all.

Rufus Wars: Spergels

(It was that or The High Spergpublic, pick your fucking poison)

As I said in an earlier update, Rufus's sister moved out of their parents' house to live with friends last November. She didn't return home when the lockdown was imposed for two reasons:
  1. One of her housemates caught the Coronavirus (or suspected Coronavirus) and the whole house had to self-isolate for two weeks. Thankfully no-one else caught it.
  2. Would you really have wanted to spend nearly three months stuck with Rufus 24/7? I think not.
She still called home from time to time and got some news about Rufus, which she relayed to me, but I didn't think it was worthy of a dedicated update until now.

Essentially, Rufus has used the lockdown as another excuse not to get a job. To be fair, he sort of has a point since trying to get hired anywhere during the lockdown is nigh-on impossible, but places like the Civil Service are still recruiting and he could also do volunteer work.

His parents have tried to keep him busy by giving him jobs to do around the house, which he's undertaken with his customary bad grace. One day, his Dad paid him £10 an hour (well above minimum wage) to do some shredding for him. I'm going to repeat that - he was paid £10 an hour to sit by the shredder and feed paper through it. Boring? Yes. Difficult? No. Easy money? Fuck yes.

And he still fucked it up. His Dad checked on him at the end of the day to discover the paper pile had barely shrunk. When he asked Rufus why he'd done basically fuck all, Rufus explained that he wanted to watch the TV while doing the job, but couldn't because the shredder made it too loud to hear, and he'd opted for the TV over the shredding. The idea of subtitles either didn't occur to him, or he couldn't be bothered to read.

As Brtifags know, the lockdown's been eased somewhat over the past few weeks and as of last weekend you don't need a loicence for one person to visit their family indoors, so Rufus's sister decided to go home for a visit. She was supposed to go the weekend before, but the shitty weather put the kibosh on those plans.

During the visit, she found out that by hook or by crook, Rufus has now seen The Rise of Skywalker. There's been some speculation as to how Rufus would react upon seeing it, especially since Rufus's own script for Episode IX (Rage of the Force) ended up being so similar.

Well, those similarities were not lost on Rufus. But rather than hypocritically flipping out at Disney for committing the same screenwriting sins he did, Rufus is now operating under the delusion that Disney read his script for Episode IX and copied his ideas, but added in a load of "dumb stuff" which in his words "ruined it". Apparently, he's gone so far as to look into launching a copyright lawsuit against Disney for stealing his ideas.

I'm not sure what the particulars of such a lawsuit would be or the level of damages he'd be seeking (assuming Rufus has thought that far ahead himself), but to break this down, Rufus sent his script in around October last year, when The Rise of Skywalker was deep into post production. I know there were a lot of reshoots and rejigs going on, but he seriously thinks someone read his insane scrawl of a script, thought "This is good stuff" and then changed the entire plot less than two months before release to fit around it.

Actually, considering the finished film, maybe that's not such a crazy theory after all.

But I didn't put up this post just to tell you those tidbits.

Oh no. A far greater treasure was uncovered during the visit.

Longtime followers of Rufus may remember that he announced shortly after finishing his Episode IX script that he was considering writing a spin-off dedicated to his fanfic waifu Aravis Fett. I'd basically given up all hope that we were ever going to see that script and resigned myself to the fact that, along with Rufus's audition tape for Solo, it would take its place as another lost artifact of Rufusology.

Well holy moly, it must be my birthday (it was actually my birthday recently - and I didn't even wish for this. Lucky me).

While they were in the sitting room having tea, Rufus's sister noticed a large pile of papers on a side table, and on top was Rufus's script for Episode VII. She flicked through the rest of the pile out of curiosity (sure enough, the scripts for Episode VIII and IX were in there) and thank fuck she did (and thank fuck Rufus left them lying around) because at the bottom was the script for Rufus's Aravis spin-off.

Thanks to a quick sneak to the toilet and some fast photography work, a dreary beginning to my week was turned into an absolute laugh riot as I read through probably the greatest piece of insanity to come from Rufus's mind yet. Seriously, this script has given me even greater doubts about his mental state.

So sit back, relax and get ready to laugh and/or cringe as I take you through the plot of this delightful coda to Rufus's Sequel Trilogy, simply titled Aravis. You may remember that Rufus put the storyline for this film up for a vote, asking people to decide whether it would be an origin story for Aravis or about her relationship with Jace. Well either the vote came back as a 50/50 split or, more likely, no-one voted and Rufus decided to answer his own question with "Yes" and the result is as follows:

The script kicks off in a way haven't seen since... I guess The Two Towers where it begins during a scene from an earlier film, then continues that scene from the point of view of a character who's been knocked into a pit.

If you hadn't guessed, the scene in question is the skiff battle from Return of the Jedi and the character in question is Boba Fett being knocked into the Sarlacc pit. Only this time we follow him down the Sarlacc's throat and get to see how he escapes.

I'm sure everyone who's never read anything from the Expanded Universe was very eager to see just how Boba Fett managed to escape the Sarlacc, but if you were one of those people, you're going to be disappointed, because the escape as portrayed in this script is really fucking boring. Boba Fett just uses his gauntlets to climb out. At least Rufus did us the mercy of fast forwarding past what I'm sure was a torturously long climb.

Upon escaping the Sarlacc, Boba Fett realises that Jabba's Sail Barge has long since been blown up and everyone's gone home. After lamenting that this means he won't get paid, Boba Fett limps back to Jabba's Palace to pick up Slave I (no word on whether he got any parking tickets).

Once there, he's ambushed by a Twi'lek assassin who says she's going to bring him in. He dismisses her, and she fires at him, only to have the blaster bolt bounce harmlessly off his super plot resistant armour. Annoyed, Boba Fett takes out his flamethrower and proceeds to barbecue her... only to realise that she bought her kids with her and he's just torched their mum in front of them. What kind of assassin brings their kids along on a mission? Is childcare really that hard to sort out?

After giving the kids a "No hard feelings" (that's the actual line - all that's missing is a sad trombone), Boba Fett heads back to Concord Dawn where his pregnant wife Sintas Vel is about to give birth. I'd love to see Boba Fett's schedule sometime. Deliver frozen smuggler to fat slug monster at 8, support pregnant wife at 9.

During the birthing, something goes wrong and the Mandalorian Doctor (yes, that's his actual name) has to perform an emergency c-section to save the baby. Unfortunately, Sintas Vel loses a lot of blood during the operation and dies after naming the baby Aravis. After a single mean look at the Doctor, Boba Fett gets over the death of his wife remarkably quickly and takes his newborn daughter off to show her how she will one day rule over a collection of tents. She shows her gratitude by being sick on him. I will admit, I laughed (somewhat) unironically at that.

The script then fast forwards a number of years to shortly before Aravis makes her first appearance in the Episode VIII script. Boba Fett is on his way to Scissoria (planet of the lesbians?) and has agreed to let Aravis tag along, together with her boyfriend Brosh Golin (gee, I wonder what the inspiration for that name was) and her best friend/hanger-on Vergis Sneed, who seriously challenges Ser Jorah for the title of Lord Friendzone. As will become clear, Vergis is yet another example of Rufus writing a character who's more true to him IRL than his intended Gary Stu self-insert.

Once on the planet, Aravis, Brosh and Vergis go off to look at the market while Boba Fett heads off to do an unspecified job. Aravis spies a fashion salon and drags Vergis off to have a look, while Brosh goes off to look at the weapons. Rufus's progressive attitude to gender politics shines through once again.

The fashion salon is run by two female Twi'leks called Jerzee and Jaze. So a piece of knitwear and another name which is a hair's breadth from Jacen/Jace. Where do you get your inspiration for these names Rufus?

Jerzee and Jaze descend on Aravis and slap loads of makeup on her, while Vergis stands awkwardly off to the side. Then, Jaze grabs Aravis and demands that she tell them where Boba Fett is, otherwise her face will be painted like an Ugnaut (seriously). Aravis calls for Vergis to help her, but he's already made a break for it.

Vergis runs off to find Brosh and the two of them rush back to the fashion salon to find Aravis tied to a chair. We're 17 pages into this crap and Aravis is already a damsel in distress. In her own film. What do you think this is Rufus, The Perils of Penelope Pitstop? If you're going to go that route, at least have seven plucky Ewoks show up to rescue her rather than a pair of teenage dirtbags.

Vergis demands that Jerzee and Jaze release Aravis, and they offer to trade her for Boba Fett. Brosh and Vergis then try to fite them IRL to get Aravis back, but get owned immediately. All looks lost until Boba Fett shows up. He demands to know who Jerzee and Jaze are, and they reveal that they're the kids of the assassin he torched years ago. So to get their plan straight, they went to the expense of setting up a fashion salon on a planet that Boba Fett might visit, for the sole purpose of luring in his daughter as a hostage. If they already know he's going to be there, why not just kill him straight away?

Jerzee tries to shoot Boba Fett, but makes the same mistake her mother did and forgets about his super plot resistant armour. Boba Fett then proceeds to roast her and her sister in the same way he did their mother, and Aravis yells at Vergis for abandoning her.

Back on Concord Dawn, Boba Fett banishes Brosh and Vergis for failing to protect Aravis, with Vergis leaving as a blubbering wreck. Aravis feels a bit sad about this, but Boba Fett gives her a pep talk about how she'll find a real man someday, before taking her off to practice something called the Keldabe handshake. That's may well be a thing in the Expanded Universe, but to me it just sounds like a euphemism for wanking.

We then fast forward a bit further in time to find Jace Solo making a fool of himself on a ski slope, Bridget Jones-style. Aravis is with him and Rufus goes into great detail about how she's wearing a skintight ski suit that no doubt makes it look like she's wearing


Jace whines that he wants to go back to the beach and Aravis agrees with him. It's then revealed that Jace and Aravis are on their honeymoon following the events of Episode IX. Rufus shows off his incredible gift for naming planets again and calls the honeymoon planet Paradiso. The beach setting also gives Rufus an excuse to include more swimwear cheesecake of his waifu, but I guess it's at least somewhat justified this time.

As they're relaxing on the beach, Brosh (now sporting an eyepatch) appears along with Vergis. Jace immediately becomes jealous when Aravis recognises both of them and even more so when Brosh reveals that he's now the owner of a large watercraft called the Concordia.

Brosh offers to take them on a tour of the Concordia and Aravis agrees, dragging along a reluctant Jace. Onboard, Brosh reveals he's lined up the Bith band Fingrin D'an and the Modal Nodes (before you laugh, that's the official name of the Cantina Band from A New Hope) to perform at a party the next night called the Luna Ball and he invites Jace and Aravis to attend. He also reveals that he has Gamorreans as his bodyguards, keeps a juvenile Sarlacc as a pet and has a luxurious bedroom which he laments is the world's largest wanking chariot because he has no-one to share it with.

Back at the hotel, Jace throws a massive sulk over the fact Aravis and Brosh were once a couple and goes to bed in a huff like a little child. This script gives a terrifying insight into Rufus's ideas of how relationships work. Reading this, I'm more grateful than ever Phoebe escaped his clutches (mostly) unscathed.

Later that night, shadowy figures descend on the hotel room and carry off Aravis. Rufus grabs hold of one of them and sees he's wearing an armband that has the same logo as the Concordia, but the henchman manages to get away, despite being left behind by the other henchmen and having to re-enact the lightning tours sketch from It's Marty.

On the Concordia, Brosh shoots down a Galactic Alliance Cruiser that's passing by, before going to meet the returning henchmen. He hands Aravis off to Vergis to do god knows what with and punishes the henchman who was late by throwing him to the Sarlacc.

The next day, Jace decides he's going to infiltrate the Luna Ball to find out what happened to Aravis. Once there, he corners Vergis and starts interrogating him as to Aravis's whereabouts, but before he can get very far, Brosh appears and announces to the guests that Aravis will be the entertainment for that evening. Aravis appears and starts singing... I wish I was making this up... "On a Night Like This" by Kylie Minogue.

View attachment 1384742

At least with the Spandau Ballet shit from Episode IX, Rufus only suggested putting that in. Here, he's just dumped a Kylie song into the middle of his script. He even scripted a fucking Protocol Droid singing the "On a on a on a on a on a on a" part of the song:

View attachment 1384751

I can imagine the poor Protocol Droid objecting to this indignity: "I'm programmed for etiquette and protocol! Not early 2000s Eurodance!"

To be fair, Rufus does leave a note suggesting the song be replaced with something more "Star Wars-y", but for someone with aspirations of being a professional screenwriter, that's lazy and unprofessional as all hell:

View attachment 1384755

Aravis finishes her song and Brosh appears to announce his engagement to Aravis. Aravis doesn't seem to object to this and stands there staring blankly, but Jace causes a massive scene which leads to him getting escorted away. Brosh takes Jace off to one side and explains that Aravis doesn't love him anymore because he upset her with his behaviour the night before. He gives Jace a spiel about how if he loves her he'll let her go, then orders him to be escorted out.

Jace manages to escape as he's being taken away, but ends up running into the Sarlacc room. He grapples with a henchman and they fall into the Sarlacc pit. Brosh thinks they've been eaten and leaves, but Jace has managed to balance on the Sarlacc's beak and the henchman is clinging to the side of the pit. After the henchman tries to kick Jace in the balls (no, really) and overbalances, he's eaten by the Sarlacc and Jace makes his escape.

At the hotel, Jace calls up Han and explains what's happened. Han admits that he was going to give Jace a call anyway due to the Galactic Alliance Cruiser that disappeared over Paradiso which Han reveals is carrying some very deadly missiles(TM). Han agrees to come Paradiso to help Jace out, along with Jacen and Jaina. Han makes the mother of all Dad jokes when he arrives and says this will be a "Solo mission", a joke that's rendered nonsensical almost immediately when Boba Fett shows up and berates Jace for losing Aravis again.

Han, Jace, Jacen and Jaina decide to dive down to find the Galactic Alliance Crusier in the sea, while Boba Fett stays on dry land scaring beachgoers. They find the Galactic Alliance Cruiser and see the missiles have been nicked, before they're attacked by Brosh's henchmen. @CWCissey will be pleased to hear that Rufus has maintained the continuity from Episode IX of Han being a Jedi. Every time I read the words "Han activates his lightsaber", it makes me want to punch a wall.

They fight off Brosh's henchmen but as they're returning to the surface, Jace sees Aravis swimming above them. He swims up to her, but she ignores him, until he grabs hold of her and a band she's wearing around her head falls off, at which point she passes out and Jace has to drag her to shore.

Once on dry land, Jace revives Aravis, who's shocked to discover that she's engaged to Brosh. Jace and Aravis theorise that the band Jace knocked off her head is a mind control device Brosh has been using to brainwash her. Goddamn this got creepy fast.

Jace says that unfortunately Aravis will have to go back to the Concordia and pretend to still be under the influence of the mind control device so Brosh doesn't realise they're onto him. Trouble is, Jace has managed to break the mind control device, so Aravis has to pretend it's still working. Aravis goes back to the Concordia just in time for Brosh to make his big villain speech. He transmits a message to the new Galactic Alliance capital world of Da Soocha V and says he'll nuke them with the missiles he stole unless they give him


He actually asks for 10 billion, but that's not much better. I know Coruscant got nuked in Rufus's Episode VIII script and I'm not sure what the dollar to republic credit conversion rate is, but I'd still have hoped the Galactic Alliance's GDP would be higher than the average African banana republic. Leia contacts Han and says they can't possibly pay the ransom and Han agrees they need to take the fight to Brosh.

On the Concordia, Brosh tries to kiss Aravis, but she slaps him across the face before he can. Brosh realises the mind control device isn't working any more and drags Aravis off to torture her for information about how much the Solos know about his plans. It was during this scene, with the dialogue copied almost word for word from another film that I realised something I should've cottoned onto a lot earlier.

A villain with an eyepatch who operates out of a boat in a tropical setting, whose plan is to use missiles to extort a large amount of money from the government and who keeps an exotic pet that he feeds incompetent henchmen to.

This whole time, Rufus has been ripping off Thunderball.

:story: :story: :story:

I've commented in this post and earlier ones about Rufus's atrocious attitude to gender politics in these scripts, but he's really outdone himself here. He's taken a 60s Bond film, which itself doesn't have a reputation for being especially progressive in that regard, and somehow made it more sexist. In the original film, Domino was sent back to the Disco Volante for the same reason Aravis was, so that the villain won't be alerted to the hero's plan. But Bond's plan in Thunderball was a lot stealthier than this one, which is very crude by comparison. Boba Fett comments that he could destroy the Concordia before Brosh ever figures out what's going on, and that's essentially what ends up happening. In Thunderball Domino was also caught while she was trying to find out if the missiles were on board the Disco Volante, i.e. she was actually advancing the plot and helping foil the villain. Aravis is literally just in this situation so Rufus can re-enact scenes from a superior film with his shit OCs.

Meanwhile, Han and co start putting their plan to attack the Concordia into action. Boba Fett and Chewie pilot a speeder out to the Concordia and Boba Fett starts firing rockets over it to provide a distraction while Han, Jace, Jacen and Jaina approach under the water. Vergis runs off to warn Brosh that they're under attack and is horrified to see Aravis being tortured. After Brosh runs off to confront Boba Fett, Vergis has an attack of conscience, unties Aravis and they start to make their escape. Another scene completely ripped off from Thunderball.

Elsewhere, Brosh starts trading insults with Boba Fett. They're just about to reach the yo mama jokes stage when Han, Jace, Jacen and Jaina arrive. Brosh sends in the Gamorrean guards to deal with them, but they're no match and Brosh makes his escape through a trapdoor to one of the lower decks.

Han, Jace, Jacen, Jaina, Chewie and Boba Fett chase after him and meet up with Aravis and Vergis. They follow Brosh to the Sarlacc room where he attacks Jace and tries to throw him into the Sarlacc pit. Vergis runs up behind Brosh and kicks him into the Sarlacc pit. The Sarlacc finds him too toxic and spits him out, but Boba Fett stamps down on his head, killing him.


This is yet another scene Rufus has stolen from Thunderball, with the only difference once again being he's made it more sexist than the original. In Thunderball, it was Domino who ended up killing the main villain (and her abuser) and saving Bond in the process. It's not the most effective lampshading of the damsel in distress trope, but for a 60s Bond film it's surprisingly forward-thinking. Here, Brosh is killed by two people who aren't Aravis. Seriously Rufus, this is like shooting fish in a barrel, how the fuck do you mess up like this?

As everyone's standing around congratulating themselves, they suddenly realise that Aravis and Vergis have gone. They run up to the entertainment deck, only to find that Vergis has put another mind control device on Aravis. Vergis announces that Aravis is his now, and uses a load of mechanical tentacles he secretly installed in the floor to trap Han, Jace, Jacen, Jaina, Chewie and Boba Fett.

Han uses the force (I can't believe I just wrote that) to fire Jace's blaster at Vergis, releasing Jace from the tentacle that's trapping him. Jace runs up to Vergis and they fight, with Vergis going on an incel rant about how he's waited his whole lonely life for Aravis.

Han uses the force (ugh, just stop) to cut the controls for the tentacles off Vergis's wrist, releasing the rest of them and Boba Fett kills Vergis with his jetpack missile. You missed another chance to not have this be the most sexist script in the history of screenwriting, Rufus. Bravo.

Jace frees Aravis from the mind control device and she gets all smug about how Jace doubted he's only the man she's ever loved. Jace apologises, but Aravis says he's not getting off that easily and then she starts singing... "What Took You So Long" by Emma Bunton.

What the fuck is an Emma Bunton song doing in a goddamn Star Wars script?

Ugh, let's get this over with, I can't take much more of this crap. Han, Jacen, Jaina, Chewie and Boba Fett leave, with the Millennium Falcon u-hauling the Concordia away, and Jace and Aravis are left to resume their honeymoon. The script just kind of... ends. And not a moment too soon.

I think the thing which annoys me most about this script is the fact it's called Aravis, and yet the title character is relegated to a supporting role. Apparently Rufus applies the title logic of The Legend of Zelda series to his writing.

I'll link the full script to this post. I must warn you that some of the pages are a bit difficult to read, but none of it's illegible and I'm actually surprised it came out as well it did. You'll just have to squint a bit, and you'll probably be doing that anyway given the content.

I'm not sure how Rufus found time to write this script, considering his computer use is so tightly monitored at the moment, but I guess dedication to the craft is a good thing. Or would be if he was writing something worthwhile. No idea if this one got sent to Lucasfilm, but based on past experience, it probably did.

I don't know if Rufus is going to write another script after this, but if he does, I'm expecting a full-on Star Wars pop opera featuring the hits of B*Witched, the Sugababes and All Saints, with a plot ripped off from Live and Let Die. :story::story::story:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! RUFUS IS STILL GOING!

Shouldn't take me too long to find time to read this. I'm working from home at the mo and it's kind of quiet at the mo.
 

CWCissey

Charming Man
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Told ya.

The opening scene is actually not bad, and it gets Boba's character right, after all, he is a Bounty Hunter.
'Kriffing Hutts'? Way to censor an already censored word Rufus.
'Poodoo' was 'Bantha Fodder' in Star Wars wasn't it? So this childish assassin is saying Boba looks and smells like Bantha Fodder. Stupid.
'I disagreed with something that tried to eat me' AWWW YEAH! LICENCE TO KILL REFERENCE! Rufus has been going through the James Bond flicks, confirmed.
LITERAL PLOT ARMOUR.
Hmm, even assassins have 'Bring your daughter to work' days.
Oh great, Boba's now Coldsteel the Hedgeheg.
Hmm, Mark Twain reference. OK.
When 'Bo' and his wife kissed, did he take his helmet off? That isn't the way.
The painkiller-less birth is actually some nice culture building.
'Make the baby come at the right angle'? then the Doctor 'begins his work' Why am I getting visions of an episode of The Yorkshire Vet?
The Doctors in his universe have 'wicked looking medical instruments'? I don't care if they look cool or if samurai swords or some shit are used, do they do the job?
'You've lost a lot of blood, and I can't do shit, we haven't got blood transfusions in this universe'
Fucking batter that Doctor Boba, he just stood back and let your goddamn wife die!
Nice Lion King ripoff.
And in the future, Boba is still operating Dad's Taxi. For Brosh Golin no doubt! I loved him as Operative Q in Lads In Very Dark Navy Blue 3!
Vergis, the gooseberry. Was this character really necessary?
Scissoria too, GONNA TAKE YO MOMMA OUT ALL NIGHT AN-Oh. Oh yeah...
Hmm, the Brosh/Vergis exchange feels autobiographical.
Boba Fett is a cool dad, but a stupid one. Don't be a space slob, space rubber your knob.
'I can protect myself!' Oh Aravis, you sweet summer child. Do you not know who's writing this?
'Take me shopping, Big boy' Gross.
Ahh yes, the more informal Mandalorian holy words 'It's kind of our thing'
I have to say my favourite scene in Empire was when Leia took C-3PO for a mani-pedi.
Jerzee? Fuck that, I'm calling her something more sensible. Cardee Gan! And Jaze? This is not going to get confusing is it?
Well that's nice of them. Giving Aravis a makeover before threatening her.
Although threatening to make her look ugly is kind of bitchy.
Heh. Vergis has the right idea, get out of this madness!
One million credits for a rifle? Christ. And I thought Brosh was going to Terminator it. I'm saddened he didn't.
Pulling faces? The immaturity is genetic.
DON'T TAZE ME BRO!
Plot armour strikes again. And at least one of the Jaces is now dead.
What the fuck Boba? Banishing two kids from the planet because they tried to save your daughter but didn't? That's a bit harsh!
'One day you'll find a worthy man' Oh Boba...
And the Keldabe handshake sounds kinda sexual in this context.
Oh fuck, back to Jace now are we?
Mr Grumpypants? Jesus Rufus...
Perving on Aravis again. At least we know that Jace is wearing a flowery t-SHIT. (AMAZING TYPO! TOO FUNNY, IT'S NOW CANON)
Paradiso, eh? Is it run by these two gents?
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Full suit and an eyepatch? This sounds familiar...
And Jace acts like a prissy little bitch because of Aravis' ex and Ser Jorah. YOU MARRIED THE GIRL, YOU WON.
The Concordia? Wasn't that a boat that sank or had a bunch of people die on because of food poisoning or something?
Fingrin D'An are still going? It's been 20 years, Brosh should have gotten a tribute act, they'd be much cheaper.
Oh nice, Brosh is cucking Jace in the best way!
Vergis doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, Vergis doesn't make love. What do you do Vergis? *Vergis looks away coyly*
FEED ME SEYMOUR!
That's kind of dickish Brosh, no need to crush the poor simpleton's hand!
'Yeah I boned him Jace, but it meant nothing'
No Aravis, Jace is being a little bitch. No sex for him, just the couch. Honeymoon or no.
How the fuck can Jace sleep through that? Has he been eating those funny Smarties again?
Rufus just loves that slapstick humour doesn't he?
Weapons shipments flying near Paradiso? That was pretty much a plot point in Guest House Paradiso too! I await Jace getting a lightsabre in the eye!
This is really familiar! Oh wait! It's Never Say Never Again! Way to ripoff a ripoff!
Oh Jace, why are you yelling during a crowd cheer?
Rufus really has some plebian tastes in music. A Kylie song? Really?
GASP! SPACE BIGAMY!
Tarrisian Ale? HE'S CALLING YOU A LIGHTWEIGHT JACE! REAL MEN GET PISSED ON WOOKIE RUM!
Well no weird video game scene here, although space theme, so I guess Rufus has written Kevin McClory's proposed remake of a remake 'Thunderball 2000'
This wouldn't work, Aravis is still married to Jace, unless she was hypnotised into getting an annulment from the Space Pope or something.
Heh heh, exact copy of the shark scene from Thunderball!
Apart from the dick kicking, I don't remember Sean Connery having to suffer that indignity!
Urm, you could still use that speeder Jace. Now you're trapped on the beach numbnuts.
No Harrison Ford is sick of playing Han. And I can't imagine him using the word 'dodgy'
Ugh, Han Solo should not make dad jokes either.
'I should have known he was skulking around LIKING Brosh's boots'? I guess they're kind of stylish...
Yeah Boba! Be consistant. BANISH JACE!
Boba should have punched that nosy beachgoer out.
NO. HAN IS NOT A JEDI. HE SHOULD NOT HAVE A LIGHTSABRE TO HAND
Any excuse to get Aravis in something skimpy, eh?
'Have I been drinking?' No, but this is driving me to drink!
Aravis is just in her own personal Hell right now. She's gaining awareness of her surroundings.
I'm sure Aravis can approximate a blank stare, she's probably had lots of practice while banging Jace.
Why is Han still calling Boba buckethead?
Christ, Brosh is even talking like Largo now, I'm seriously hearing Adolfo Celi's voice.
Well a rifle apparently costs 1 million credits, so I'm not sure 10 billion credits will get you too far...
Also, Largo's plan was so fiendish because he didn't reveal where the bombs were, just that they were in place, meaning the authorities were panicking and running around trying to find them rather than just going to where they were being launched from.
Pretty sure the GA could just declare you a terrorist and move the capital/retake the planet if you did gas Da Soocha V Brosh.
Oh no, Brosh is going to apply ice to cigar burns on Aravis isn't he?
Hmm, I thought Boba's middle name was 'Da Man'?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THAT'S A WHOLESALE LINE BUT DUMBER! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Yeah, Boba firing a bazooka like a motherfucker!
Let's get some appropriate music going.
Lol that dumb heel-turn from Largo's goon makes it in here too.
Even Boba's sick of Aravis being a damsel.
Brosh is about to gas the Space UN and you've got time for a group hug? Piss off.
Yeah I agree with @TheImportantFart , Domino killing Largo was important in Thunderball, Rufus fucked up massively and I think this is stupider than Han being a Jedi.
Oh, he's not dead...OK.
But Boba Dead Space'd him. Delightful.
BETA UPRISING!
I don't like where these tentacles are going...
NO! GO BACK TO THE TENTACLES! THAT'S BETTER THAN HAN USING THE FORCE!
Huh, Vergis was based on Dominic Greene from Quantum Of Solace? That's surprising.
Superhero landing and big NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How cliche.
A fucking alien band knows Emma Bunton? Christ, couldn't even do a joke, like maybe the Northern Irish 90's band Ash comes out and plays their version of the Cantina theme or something?
Is Boba calling Jace a pest here?
Oh. Disappointed...
Heh, Han's stealing the dead man's shit. I like it!
Well that was wank. Aravis is named, but is playing the triangle in her own movie.

I guess Rufus still hasn't seen The Mandalorian if he doesn't get basic canon set up by that, or he has and is such a sperg he refuses to see that it's actually pretty good.

I eagerly await the next time! I'm hopeful for a full retelling of Licence To Kill, with a scene where Jar Jar Binks gets put in a pressure chamber until his head explodes or maybe The World Is Not Enough, with Jace getting chased around a refinery by TIE Fighters that have laser chainsaws attached to them. All with a soundtrack that is just the Magic FM playlist.
 
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