Somewhere, an Texan is crying over this.In school I shared a class with a guy known as 'Squirrel Kid'. Squirrel Kid earned his name for his buckteeth, and the squirrel impression he'd do with them. He thought it made him likeable, when in reality it only made people laugh at him more.
Squirrel Kid was obsessed with cowboys, to the extent that he would tell me that the insult 'son of a gun' was the worst thing you could say to someone as it implied their father is an outlaw. He rode a moped to school, and would ask everyone else who did if they wanted to start a 'motorcycle gang'.
Our teacher was an unhinged lesbian who just stopped showing up to school halfway through the year, so people were given full reign to fuck with Squirrel Kid. One day, Squirrel Kid announced that he was going to kill himself, excused himself to another room, where, through the window, we watched him pulling on his own tie in an attempt to 'hang himself'.
Someone got the idea to use a wedge to block the door, and trap him in the room, and he had to climb out through the window to get out. Afterwards, he said that we'd feel bad for laughing at him when he got home and threw himself out of his window, to which my friend replied 'Don't you live in a bungalow?'
Squirrel Kid makes videos on YouTube to this day, he's been making 'cowboy movies' for years, and has yet to learn the basics of scriptwriting, cinematography, editing or even basic composition. Many a good evening has been had by putting on his videos with a few drinks.
The couch surfing lifestyle eventually catches up to people; although, in her case, she's going to be dead or in prison if she keeps this up as opposed to just getting kicked out.This woman I know from university is the most delusional person I've ever met - she's a munchie who claims at least 8 different disabilities/illnesses and her gender identity/sexuality changes every week. Claimed to be lesbian at one point but then tried to steal my man, when I called her out on it she said "actually I'm bi". Also she claims indigenous heritage despite being white as snow.
She's at least 35 and has never worked a day in her life - just hops from degree to degree accumulating student debt, and spends her government allowance on gambling, meth and junk food. A mutual friend, bless his heart, has had to bail her out multiple times after she squandered her rent money at the casino. Being diabetic she's ended up in the ER multiple times after eating whole pizzas and guzzling Mountain Dew, and does it to herself on purpose to get out of attending classes.
There's always porn. People will fap to anything nowadays...If she lays off the transtrender shit.I heard from mutual friends that a high school classmate, who was about the most basic white girl imaginable other than being one of the "fat kids" (read: about average size by today's standards, quite tubby by 90's), has declared for this Pride month that she is "nonbinary", because of course she has. We are ~40. I miss when a midlife crisis meant buying a Corvette.
I think it's driven by the fact that she has been fired from or otherwise alienated everyone at every job she's qualified for/capable of doing in the entire state and needs a source of income that doesn't require you to contribute anything to society. Thus becoming a persecuted trans person who can now demand gibs online. Gonna take a lot of gibs, she went from somewhat fat to spherical in the 20something years since.
She'll remain a personal lolcow, since being a 400 lb fictionkin transtrender just isn't that unusual in the extremely online anymore.
And don't forget $cientology. The cult is the brainchild of an SF scribbler who cooked up the dumbest space-opera plot in the genre's history to serve as its creation-story/Sekrit-Scriptures.
ED calls it "the nerdy little autistic kid that nobody likes".the genre
No idea. Like I say, it’s not clear whether he watched The Rise of Skywalker by hook or by crook.Always puts a smile on my face when I get tagged in a Rufus update. Just out of curiosity, did he get his mitts on a certain Disney Plus?
Things could’ve been so different...Speaking of Star Wars, Alec Guinness once allegedly made a boy vow to never watch Star wars again. I wonder how things would've gone had that boy been Rufus, instead of him having that party...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! RUFUS IS STILL GOING!@CWCissey, @dunbrine47, @Kiwi Lime Pie, @ToroidalBoat, @Adamska, @The Un-Clit, @Shitassdeaddude, @Gordon Cole, @vertexwindi, @Crichax, @Overcast, @Xerxes IX, @REGENDarySumanai @yasscat, @Man vs persistent rat, @An Sionnach Seang, @Big Nasty, @Alto, @MysticMisty, @MerriedxReldnahc, @neverendingmidi, @Do You Realize, @TheGreatCitracett, @Jewelsmakerguy, @Barry Scott, @Pee Wee Herman
The world is burning down around us, a deadly virus is on the loose, there's a lot of uncertainty about everything right now...
And I have a doozy of a Rufus update for you all.
Rufus Wars: Spergels
(It was that or The High Spergpublic, pick your fucking poison)
As I said in an earlier update, Rufus's sister moved out of their parents' house to live with friends last November. She didn't return home when the lockdown was imposed for two reasons:
She still called home from time to time and got some news about Rufus, which she relayed to me, but I didn't think it was worthy of a dedicated update until now.
- One of her housemates caught the Coronavirus (or suspected Coronavirus) and the whole house had to self-isolate for two weeks. Thankfully no-one else caught it.
- Would you really have wanted to spend nearly three months stuck with Rufus 24/7? I think not.
Essentially, Rufus has used the lockdown as another excuse not to get a job. To be fair, he sort of has a point since trying to get hired anywhere during the lockdown is nigh-on impossible, but places like the Civil Service are still recruiting and he could also do volunteer work.
His parents have tried to keep him busy by giving him jobs to do around the house, which he's undertaken with his customary bad grace. One day, his Dad paid him £10 an hour (well above minimum wage) to do some shredding for him. I'm going to repeat that - he was paid £10 an hour to sit by the shredder and feed paper through it. Boring? Yes. Difficult? No. Easy money? Fuck yes.
And he still fucked it up. His Dad checked on him at the end of the day to discover the paper pile had barely shrunk. When he asked Rufus why he'd done basically fuck all, Rufus explained that he wanted to watch the TV while doing the job, but couldn't because the shredder made it too loud to hear, and he'd opted for the TV over the shredding. The idea of subtitles either didn't occur to him, or he couldn't be bothered to read.
As Brtifags know, the lockdown's been eased somewhat over the past few weeks and as of last weekend you don't need a loicence for one person to visit their family indoors, so Rufus's sister decided to go home for a visit. She was supposed to go the weekend before, but the shitty weather put the kibosh on those plans.
During the visit, she found out that by hook or by crook, Rufus has now seen The Rise of Skywalker. There's been some speculation as to how Rufus would react upon seeing it, especially since Rufus's own script for Episode IX (Rage of the Force) ended up being so similar.
Well, those similarities were not lost on Rufus. But rather than hypocritically flipping out at Disney for committing the same screenwriting sins he did, Rufus is now operating under the delusion that Disney read his script for Episode IX and copied his ideas, but added in a load of "dumb stuff" which in his words "ruined it". Apparently, he's gone so far as to look into launching a copyright lawsuit against Disney for stealing his ideas.
I'm not sure what the particulars of such a lawsuit would be or the level of damages he'd be seeking (assuming Rufus has thought that far ahead himself), but to break this down, Rufus sent his script in around October last year, when The Rise of Skywalker was deep into post production. I know there were a lot of reshoots and rejigs going on, but he seriously thinks someone read his insane scrawl of a script, thought "This is good stuff" and then changed the entire plot less than two months before release to fit around it.
Actually, considering the finished film, maybe that's not such a crazy theory after all.
But I didn't put up this post just to tell you those tidbits.
Oh no. A far greater treasure was uncovered during the visit.
Longtime followers of Rufus may remember that he announced shortly after finishing his Episode IX script that he was considering writing a spin-off dedicated to his fanfic waifu Aravis Fett. I'd basically given up all hope that we were ever going to see that script and resigned myself to the fact that, along with Rufus's audition tape for Solo, it would take its place as another lost artifact of Rufusology.
Well holy moly, it must be my birthday (it was actually my birthday recently - and I didn't even wish for this. Lucky me).
While they were in the sitting room having tea, Rufus's sister noticed a large pile of papers on a side table, and on top was Rufus's script for Episode VII. She flicked through the rest of the pile out of curiosity (sure enough, the scripts for Episode VIII and IX were in there) and thank fuck she did (and thank fuck Rufus left them lying around) because at the bottom was the script for Rufus's Aravis spin-off.
Thanks to a quick sneak to the toilet and some fast photography work, a dreary beginning to my week was turned into an absolute laugh riot as I read through probably the greatest piece of insanity to come from Rufus's mind yet. Seriously, this script has given me even greater doubts about his mental state.
So sit back, relax and get ready to laugh and/or cringe as I take you through the plot of this delightful coda to Rufus's Sequel Trilogy, simply titled Aravis. You may remember that Rufus put the storyline for this film up for a vote, asking people to decide whether it would be an origin story for Aravis or about her relationship with Jace. Well either the vote came back as a 50/50 split or, more likely, no-one voted and Rufus decided to answer his own question with "Yes" and the result is as follows:
The script kicks off in a way haven't seen since... I guess The Two Towers where it begins during a scene from an earlier film, then continues that scene from the point of view of a character who's been knocked into a pit.
If you hadn't guessed, the scene in question is the skiff battle from Return of the Jedi and the character in question is Boba Fett being knocked into the Sarlacc pit. Only this time we follow him down the Sarlacc's throat and get to see how he escapes.
I'm sure everyone who's never read anything from the Expanded Universe was very eager to see just how Boba Fett managed to escape the Sarlacc, but if you were one of those people, you're going to be disappointed, because the escape as portrayed in this script is really fucking boring. Boba Fett just uses his gauntlets to climb out. At least Rufus did us the mercy of fast forwarding past what I'm sure was a torturously long climb.
Upon escaping the Sarlacc, Boba Fett realises that Jabba's Sail Barge has long since been blown up and everyone's gone home. After lamenting that this means he won't get paid, Boba Fett limps back to Jabba's Palace to pick up Slave I (no word on whether he got any parking tickets).
Once there, he's ambushed by a Twi'lek assassin who says she's going to bring him in. He dismisses her, and she fires at him, only to have the blaster bolt bounce harmlessly off his super plot resistant armour. Annoyed, Boba Fett takes out his flamethrower and proceeds to barbecue her... only to realise that she bought her kids with her and he's just torched their mum in front of them. What kind of assassin brings their kids along on a mission? Is childcare really that hard to sort out?
After giving the kids a "No hard feelings" (that's the actual line - all that's missing is a sad trombone), Boba Fett heads back to Concord Dawn where his pregnant wife Sintas Vel is about to give birth. I'd love to see Boba Fett's schedule sometime. Deliver frozen smuggler to fat slug monster at 8, support pregnant wife at 9.
During the birthing, something goes wrong and the Mandalorian Doctor (yes, that's his actual name) has to perform an emergency c-section to save the baby. Unfortunately, Sintas Vel loses a lot of blood during the operation and dies after naming the baby Aravis. After a single mean look at the Doctor, Boba Fett gets over the death of his wife remarkably quickly and takes his newborn daughter off to show her how she will one day rule over a collection of tents. She shows her gratitude by being sick on him. I will admit, I laughed (somewhat) unironically at that.
The script then fast forwards a number of years to shortly before Aravis makes her first appearance in the Episode VIII script. Boba Fett is on his way to Scissoria (planet of the lesbians?) and has agreed to let Aravis tag along, together with her boyfriend Brosh Golin (gee, I wonder what the inspiration for that name was) and her best friend/hanger-on Vergis Sneed, who seriously challenges Ser Jorah for the title of Lord Friendzone. As will become clear, Vergis is yet another example of Rufus writing a character who's more true to him IRL than his intended Gary Stu self-insert.
Once on the planet, Aravis, Brosh and Vergis go off to look at the market while Boba Fett heads off to do an unspecified job. Aravis spies a fashion salon and drags Vergis off to have a look, while Brosh goes off to look at the weapons. Rufus's progressive attitude to gender politics shines through once again.
The fashion salon is run by two female Twi'leks called Jerzee and Jaze. So a piece of knitwear and another name which is a hair's breadth from Jacen/Jace. Where do you get your inspiration for these names Rufus?
Jerzee and Jaze descend on Aravis and slap loads of makeup on her, while Vergis stands awkwardly off to the side. Then, Jaze grabs Aravis and demands that she tell them where Boba Fett is, otherwise her face will be painted like an Ugnaut (seriously). Aravis calls for Vergis to help her, but he's already made a break for it.
Vergis runs off to find Brosh and the two of them rush back to the fashion salon to find Aravis tied to a chair. We're 17 pages into this crap and Aravis is already a damsel in distress. In her own film. What do you think this is Rufus, The Perils of Penelope Pitstop? If you're going to go that route, at least have seven plucky Ewoks show up to rescue her rather than a pair of teenage dirtbags.
Vergis demands that Jerzee and Jaze release Aravis, and they offer to trade her for Boba Fett. Brosh and Vergis then try to fite them IRL to get Aravis back, but get owned immediately. All looks lost until Boba Fett shows up. He demands to know who Jerzee and Jaze are, and they reveal that they're the kids of the assassin he torched years ago. So to get their plan straight, they went to the expense of setting up a fashion salon on a planet that Boba Fett might visit, for the sole purpose of luring in his daughter as a hostage. If they already know he's going to be there, why not just kill him straight away?
Jerzee tries to shoot Boba Fett, but makes the same mistake her mother did and forgets about his super plot resistant armour. Boba Fett then proceeds to roast her and her sister in the same way he did their mother, and Aravis yells at Vergis for abandoning her.
Back on Concord Dawn, Boba Fett banishes Brosh and Vergis for failing to protect Aravis, with Vergis leaving as a blubbering wreck. Aravis feels a bit sad about this, but Boba Fett gives her a pep talk about how she'll find a real man someday, before taking her off to practice something called the Keldabe handshake. That's may well be a thing in the Expanded Universe, but to me it just sounds like a euphemism for wanking.
We then fast forward a bit further in time to find Jace Solo making a fool of himself on a ski slope, Bridget Jones-style. Aravis is with him and Rufus goes into great detail about how she's wearing a skintight ski suit that no doubt makes it look like she's wearing
Jace whines that he wants to go back to the beach and Aravis agrees with him. It's then revealed that Jace and Aravis are on their honeymoon following the events of Episode IX. Rufus shows off his incredible gift for naming planets again and calls the honeymoon planet Paradiso. The beach setting also gives Rufus an excuse to include more swimwear cheesecake of his waifu, but I guess it's at least somewhat justified this time.
As they're relaxing on the beach, Brosh (now sporting an eyepatch) appears along with Vergis. Jace immediately becomes jealous when Aravis recognises both of them and even more so when Brosh reveals that he's now the owner of a large watercraft called the Concordia.
Brosh offers to take them on a tour of the Concordia and Aravis agrees, dragging along a reluctant Jace. Onboard, Brosh reveals he's lined up the Bith band Fingrin D'an and the Modal Nodes (before you laugh, that's the official name of the Cantina Band from A New Hope) to perform at a party the next night called the Luna Ball and he invites Jace and Aravis to attend. He also reveals that he has Gamorreans as his bodyguards, keeps a juvenile Sarlacc as a pet and has a luxurious bedroom which he laments is the world's largest wanking chariot because he has no-one to share it with.
Back at the hotel, Jace throws a massive sulk over the fact Aravis and Brosh were once a couple and goes to bed in a huff like a little child. This script gives a terrifying insight into Rufus's ideas of how relationships work. Reading this, I'm more grateful than ever Phoebe escaped his clutches (mostly) unscathed.
Later that night, shadowy figures descend on the hotel room and carry off Aravis. Rufus grabs hold of one of them and sees he's wearing an armband that has the same logo as the Concordia, but the henchman manages to get away, despite being left behind by the other henchmen and having to re-enact the lightning tours sketch from It's Marty.
On the Concordia, Brosh shoots down a Galactic Alliance Cruiser that's passing by, before going to meet the returning henchmen. He hands Aravis off to Vergis to do god knows what with and punishes the henchman who was late by throwing him to the Sarlacc.
The next day, Jace decides he's going to infiltrate the Luna Ball to find out what happened to Aravis. Once there, he corners Vergis and starts interrogating him as to Aravis's whereabouts, but before he can get very far, Brosh appears and announces to the guests that Aravis will be the entertainment for that evening. Aravis appears and starts singing... I wish I was making this up... "On a Night Like This" by Kylie Minogue.
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At least with the Spandau Ballet shit from Episode IX, Rufus only suggested putting that in. Here, he's just dumped a Kylie song into the middle of his script. He even scripted a fucking Protocol Droid singing the "On a on a on a on a on a on a" part of the song:
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I can imagine the poor Protocol Droid objecting to this indignity: "I'm programmed for etiquette and protocol! Not early 2000s Eurodance!"
To be fair, Rufus does leave a note suggesting the song be replaced with something more "Star Wars-y", but for someone with aspirations of being a professional screenwriter, that's lazy and unprofessional as all hell:
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Aravis finishes her song and Brosh appears to announce his engagement to Aravis. Aravis doesn't seem to object to this and stands there staring blankly, but Jace causes a massive scene which leads to him getting escorted away. Brosh takes Jace off to one side and explains that Aravis doesn't love him anymore because he upset her with his behaviour the night before. He gives Jace a spiel about how if he loves her he'll let her go, then orders him to be escorted out.
Jace manages to escape as he's being taken away, but ends up running into the Sarlacc room. He grapples with a henchman and they fall into the Sarlacc pit. Brosh thinks they've been eaten and leaves, but Jace has managed to balance on the Sarlacc's beak and the henchman is clinging to the side of the pit. After the henchman tries to kick Jace in the balls (no, really) and overbalances, he's eaten by the Sarlacc and Jace makes his escape.
At the hotel, Jace calls up Han and explains what's happened. Han admits that he was going to give Jace a call anyway due to the Galactic Alliance Cruiser that disappeared over Paradiso which Han reveals is carrying some very deadly missiles(TM). Han agrees to come Paradiso to help Jace out, along with Jacen and Jaina. Han makes the mother of all Dad jokes when he arrives and says this will be a "Solo mission", a joke that's rendered nonsensical almost immediately when Boba Fett shows up and berates Jace for losing Aravis again.
Han, Jace, Jacen and Jaina decide to dive down to find the Galactic Alliance Crusier in the sea, while Boba Fett stays on dry land scaring beachgoers. They find the Galactic Alliance Cruiser and see the missiles have been nicked, before they're attacked by Brosh's henchmen. @CWCissey will be pleased to hear that Rufus has maintained the continuity from Episode IX of Han being a Jedi. Every time I read the words "Han activates his lightsaber", it makes me want to punch a wall.
They fight off Brosh's henchmen but as they're returning to the surface, Jace sees Aravis swimming above them. He swims up to her, but she ignores him, until he grabs hold of her and a band she's wearing around her head falls off, at which point she passes out and Jace has to drag her to shore.
Once on dry land, Jace revives Aravis, who's shocked to discover that she's engaged to Brosh. Jace and Aravis theorise that the band Jace knocked off her head is a mind control device Brosh has been using to brainwash her. Goddamn this got creepy fast.
Jace says that unfortunately Aravis will have to go back to the Concordia and pretend to still be under the influence of the mind control device so Brosh doesn't realise they're onto him. Trouble is, Jace has managed to break the mind control device, so Aravis has to pretend it's still working. Aravis goes back to the Concordia just in time for Brosh to make his big villain speech. He transmits a message to the new Galactic Alliance capital world of Da Soocha V and says he'll nuke them with the missiles he stole unless they give him
He actually asks for 10 billion, but that's not much better. I know Coruscant got nuked in Rufus's Episode VIII script and I'm not sure what the dollar to republic credit conversion rate is, but I'd still have hoped the Galactic Alliance's GDP would be higher than the average African banana republic. Leia contacts Han and says they can't possibly pay the ransom and Han agrees they need to take the fight to Brosh.
On the Concordia, Brosh tries to kiss Aravis, but she slaps him across the face before he can. Brosh realises the mind control device isn't working any more and drags Aravis off to torture her for information about how much the Solos know about his plans. It was during this scene, with the dialogue copied almost word for word from another film that I realised something I should've cottoned onto a lot earlier.
A villain with an eyepatch who operates out of a boat in a tropical setting, whose plan is to use missiles to extort a large amount of money from the government and who keeps an exotic pet that he feeds incompetent henchmen to.
This whole time, Rufus has been ripping off Thunderball.
I've commented in this post and earlier ones about Rufus's atrocious attitude to gender politics in these scripts, but he's really outdone himself here. He's taken a 60s Bond film, which itself doesn't have a reputation for being especially progressive in that regard, and somehow made it more sexist. In the original film, Domino was sent back to the Disco Volante for the same reason Aravis was, so that the villain won't be alerted to the hero's plan. But Bond's plan in Thunderball was a lot stealthier than this one, which is very crude by comparison. Boba Fett comments that he could destroy the Concordia before Brosh ever figures out what's going on, and that's essentially what ends up happening. In Thunderball Domino was also caught while she was trying to find out if the missiles were on board the Disco Volante, i.e. she was actually advancing the plot and helping foil the villain. Aravis is literally just in this situation so Rufus can re-enact scenes from a superior film with his shit OCs.
Meanwhile, Han and co start putting their plan to attack the Concordia into action. Boba Fett and Chewie pilot a speeder out to the Concordia and Boba Fett starts firing rockets over it to provide a distraction while Han, Jace, Jacen and Jaina approach under the water. Vergis runs off to warn Brosh that they're under attack and is horrified to see Aravis being tortured. After Brosh runs off to confront Boba Fett, Vergis has an attack of conscience, unties Aravis and they start to make their escape. Another scene completely ripped off from Thunderball.
Elsewhere, Brosh starts trading insults with Boba Fett. They're just about to reach the yo mama jokes stage when Han, Jace, Jacen and Jaina arrive. Brosh sends in the Gamorrean guards to deal with them, but they're no match and Brosh makes his escape through a trapdoor to one of the lower decks.
Han, Jace, Jacen, Jaina, Chewie and Boba Fett chase after him and meet up with Aravis and Vergis. They follow Brosh to the Sarlacc room where he attacks Jace and tries to throw him into the Sarlacc pit. Vergis runs up behind Brosh and kicks him into the Sarlacc pit. The Sarlacc finds him too toxic and spits him out, but Boba Fett stamps down on his head, killing him.
This is yet another scene Rufus has stolen from Thunderball, with the only difference once again being he's made it more sexist than the original. In Thunderball, it was Domino who ended up killing the main villain (and her abuser) and saving Bond in the process. It's not the most effective lampshading of the damsel in distress trope, but for a 60s Bond film it's surprisingly forward-thinking. Here, Brosh is killed by two people who aren't Aravis. Seriously Rufus, this is like shooting fish in a barrel, how the fuck do you mess up like this?
As everyone's standing around congratulating themselves, they suddenly realise that Aravis and Vergis have gone. They run up to the entertainment deck, only to find that Vergis has put another mind control device on Aravis. Vergis announces that Aravis is his now, and uses a load of mechanical tentacles he secretly installed in the floor to trap Han, Jace, Jacen, Jaina, Chewie and Boba Fett.
Han uses the force (I can't believe I just wrote that) to fire Jace's blaster at Vergis, releasing Jace from the tentacle that's trapping him. Jace runs up to Vergis and they fight, with Vergis going on an incel rant about how he's waited his whole lonely life for Aravis.
Han uses the force (ugh, just stop) to cut the controls for the tentacles off Vergis's wrist, releasing the rest of them and Boba Fett kills Vergis with his jetpack missile. You missed another chance to not have this be the most sexist script in the history of screenwriting, Rufus. Bravo.
Jace frees Aravis from the mind control device and she gets all smug about how Jace doubted he's only the man she's ever loved. Jace apologises, but Aravis says he's not getting off that easily and then she starts singing... "What Took You So Long" by Emma Bunton.
What the fuck is an Emma Bunton song doing in a goddamn Star Wars script?
Ugh, let's get this over with, I can't take much more of this crap. Han, Jacen, Jaina, Chewie and Boba Fett leave, with the Millennium Falcon u-hauling the Concordia away, and Jace and Aravis are left to resume their honeymoon. The script just kind of... ends. And not a moment too soon.
I think the thing which annoys me most about this script is the fact it's called Aravis, and yet the title character is relegated to a supporting role. Apparently Rufus applies the title logic of The Legend of Zelda series to his writing.
I'll link the full script to this post. I must warn you that some of the pages are a bit difficult to read, but none of it's illegible and I'm actually surprised it came out as well it did. You'll just have to squint a bit, and you'll probably be doing that anyway given the content.
I'm not sure how Rufus found time to write this script, considering his computer use is so tightly monitored at the moment, but I guess dedication to the craft is a good thing. Or would be if he was writing something worthwhile. No idea if this one got sent to Lucasfilm, but based on past experience, it probably did.
I don't know if Rufus is going to write another script after this, but if he does, I'm expecting a full-on Star Wars pop opera featuring the hits of B*Witched, the Sugababes and All Saints, with a plot ripped off from Live and Let Die.