Personal Lolcows -

Spergichu

I like large fries, but not fried chicken
kiwifarms.net
Remember Halo Online? The now defunct F2P Halo PC game that only was designed for Russian audiences? Back in 2014 or so when an early build of the game got leaked on /v/, it of course gathered a large crowd of spectators, myself included. Eventually a ragtag group of modders known as the Eldewrito team (A clever play on the name of the .exe file for Halo Online, Eldorado.exe) got together to repurposed the leaked build of Halo Online to serve as fan Halo on PC. It reached pretty high levels of notoriety in gaming circles and actually went above and beyond it's initial goals for the project before getting shoah'd by Microsoft. I had personally hopped on the Eldewrito train a couple of months after the initial build was leaked. I spent a lot of time in the IRC and Discord servers for the project, which obviously included all the devs. One dev, named Sam Fish, otherwise known as FishPHD, was a codejunky that primarily worked on the launcher for the game. He was a twenty something sperg who had past troubles with getting a girlfriend, so when a girl hopped onto the IRC that lived in his general area, he was more than happy to start moving in on her. Only two problems soon emerged. One, she was 15, and two, she was really a he. Of course this was no detriment at all to Fish, who still pursued the kid and eventually began to date. This was done in private away from the rest of the Eldewrito group and by the time the other modders had learned of the relationship, there was little they could do to stop them. We all just had to sit back and grit our teeth (At least I was) during the occasional times they would share their sexual liaisons to the group. Everything from blowjobs to piss drinking were described in modest detail. Although such talk was usually done when no other devs were online as not to attract unwanted scrutiny from Fish's colleagues. This all came to a head one night when the kid had decided to break up with Fish via Discord. They were quickly forced off of the Eldewrito server and they continued their heated breakup in a private group chat, the outcome of which being the both of them taking a break from the Eldewrito group. This was a relief to most of us, especially the other devs. Fish's quality of work had been waning on the launcher. One such issue was that the customization for the game (Armor permutations, colors, etc) which was a part of the launcher, completely ceased to work. Players had to manually edit their .cfg files to customize their appearance. While not a hard task, it was certainly annoying. By the 0.5 update of Eldewrito, the launcher had been completely phased out and Fish was more or less demoted as a dev. He remained in the group for a while, self-loathing over losing his jailbait before finally getting banned by the other devs for being such a faggot. Discussion about Fish soon after ground to a halt and rumors of him being arrested for sexual assault began floating around the community (Although I could never verify this when searching police records). I don't think the kid ever really came back after their break up with Fish and after Eldwerito got fucked, many of it's player base including myself jumped ship. There were a few other minor instances with Fish, like how he'd post some sappy little poems that an angsty preteen half his age would write, or that time he posted a photo of his dad smoking a cigar, only for it to be immediately shopped into him sucking a cock by another member.
 

Ooth

kiwifarms.net
I like to go on instagram and look up certain groups/communities by using hashtags. The most fruitful ones are hashtags related to the poly community.

One person in particular I found is a "college student" (cosmetology school) who is married to a soyboy DnD enthusiast, actively seeking out other males, and has an onlyfans. The pic is related, its a deleted post she made during the height of the riots.

Side note: looking up people from barcroft videos also yields good results for me.
 

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Enyo

kiwifarms.net
I was going to write an essay for this stupid bitch, but she isn't worth the time. She's a washed up 40 something who leaches off men jumping from political scene to political scene after burning enough bridges. Once she realized she couldn't continue sleeping with men in one social circle to pay for he rent and booze, she had the epiphany that everyone she's ever dated was a rapist, and actually admitted in an essay still online that she raped a drunk girl while she herself was sober, and sexually assaulted a young male she never identified just assured everyone was dead by the time of her writing that. People got fed up with her retardation and that's when she also decided everyone that was barely willing to still associate with her were racists, bought ugly glasses, dyed her hair fire engine red, became a "feminist", declared herself a lesbian (self admittedly hasn't had sex since, going on years now), moved to Portland to literally cut cheese and play ukulele on the street for money. She quit drinking so in these videos she's the thinnest she probably has ever been in her life, but she still has one of the most unfortunate body types I've ever seen a woman have. Built like a refrigerator with negative tits... which she reveals in the debut of her burlesque "career"! One video is some dramatic middle school level drama production of her reading a poem in bed, but the other one is a super cringe strip tease in which she "crushes" toxic masculinity by peeling her clothes off on stage to reveal underwear with she/her pronouns on the ass in case you were confused.


 

Buxinator

Just an average joe
kiwifarms.net
Just found another lolcow, which may be stay a one shot, but it is a story worth telling.

I stumbled over this guy in a FB group for people who belong to a subculture here in germany/europe. Basically someone asked for an advise and all of a sudden the big brains came out. Giving legal advises, discussing them and then just the regular borderline legal advises. Then this Joe came around. Citing the law, combining it with questionable actions and calling everybody else, who was interacting with him either brother or sister. Unironically. And then a girl came up leaving a typical comment. TBH the background of the question was quite stupid and everybody with a small portion of common sense wouldn't have done that. That was also what she stated, but good old Joe went on an internetbased Jihad. How can she derail the conversation, this is an emergency where everybody must stand together etc. Later on, after a beautiful sperging and a funny back and forth, it turned out, that he is an example of a boomer. Why? Because he wrote several comments in a row, which didn't make sense if you read them, but regarding the fact, that he saw, that someone was typing, the was already replying. So imagine you see something like this:

Oh another one wants to challenge me? Come at me!
(2 Minutes ago)

You don't have the skills to be at my level
(1 Minute ago)

Oh the next one. Give your best!
(just now)

Also very funny: He doxed himself several times in the thread, offering to have chat via phone or at his home with a cup of tea or just smacking someones ass. Later on the mods came to the thread and were enforcing some rules, which he didn't want to comply with. They gave him several warnings, to which he basically said: "Go fuck yourself! Looking at your empty profile on FB just tells me, that you are just a troll and a mod! You don't have the power to ban me!"
Yeah boomer as fuck, because he doesn't know, that you can change the privacy settings on your FB profile.

Yesterday evening, a member of the group made a small comic strip about this guy, clearly mocking him and what happened? He donwloaded the picture, posted it on his FB Profile and praised the artist. When someone just said, if his chimping out was necessary, he began sperging again. He doesn't need the group, they are inferior to him, he was right with his answer and fought a battle, while everybody else was whiteknighting that bitch. Regarding that he seems to live in his own world and has an open FB Profile I'm very interessting what else will come. Sadly he got kicked out, but due to the seize of the gropu of several thousand members, there is a good archive and a great collections of memefied citations from that guy.
 

thyme

fresh meet
kiwifarms.net
I think I might know a lolcow(or perhaps horrorcow) or two. I used to be pretty close to these people, but having stepped back from the relationships over time (plus learning that a cow isn't just a 4 legged animal, thanks kiwis) opened my eyes to some things. If there are formatting issues at first I apologize, I'm on mobile and this is my first long post here, will edit if necessary.

Anyway, I'm going to call cow #1 Loon, and not just because she is from MN.

My s/o ran into Loon's son (cow #2, let's call him Dyl) recently and the story my s/o relayed back to me really rang some cow bells in my head.

Some background- Dyl constantly moves in and out of Loon's house depending on how strapped for cash each of them are. Of course, they're both always broke. Their living arrangement would last until Loon would lose her shit and get violent with Dyl, or until Dyl would get arrested. Dyl usually earned Loon's mirth with his dumbshit behavior, but the way she always went above and beyond to get back at her own son is where she really puts herself to pasture.

So the story Dyl told my s/o: Silly Dyl forgot to flush the toilet. Yeah, it's gross, flush the damn toilet Dyl. Dyl was probably too high to remember to flush the toilet, this guy gets so blasted he has put frozen chicken away in the cabinet with the pots and pans before. But Loon, on her nightly Mic Ultra binge, saw Dyl's impromptu abstract art display in the bathroom and had other plans than getting him to flush it, just flushing it herself and talking to Dyl about it, or contacting Sotheby's about a possible auction.

No, Loon grabbed a plunger and swirled it around in Dyl's cast-aside crap curry.

What did she do with it? She snuck up behind Dyl and hit him in the back of the head with the plunger, splattering Dyl's shit across her own damned house, not to mention all over Dyl.

Needless to say Dyl moved out again.

Don't feel too bad for Dyl, though, he's picked up some udderly dumb behaviors, himself. Besides his own stoned brain leaving food or shit out to rot, he is very skilled at getting himself arrested or in trouble. He has used his bedroom window at Loon's house as a weed drive through, until he got robbed at gunpoint. Boozey Loony never found out. He also smashed the windows at a McDonalds in a drunken rage. I knew Dyl as a kid, too, and he would make these little cults of neighborhood boys that would do whatever he told them to. Islamic content warning- I've seen Dyl piss on a fence and have his lil buddies lick it. That kind of stuff.

Sorry this account is very sporadic and short on whole milk, I'm retroactively noticing all the manure from these people since I'm now free from them and have time to reflect.

I can tell you all the tale of Loon punching her sister next time, with special guests including woman pedo, tired police officers, the minnesota butch and Dyl himself, not to mention yours truly. It's just hard to reconcile in my head that Loon, someone I used to look up to way back in my life, is honestly pretty fucked up. I also need to teach myself how to spoiler shit on mobile first.
 

gasman

kiwifarms.net
recently i had this weird channel show up in my recomendations
guys 31, lives in jersey. has a weirdly young fan base from about 7-11 and constantly complains about the "trolls" on his live stream. gives off strong lolcow vibes. also had made several weird comments to said fan base
 
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A Clockwork Soybean

kiwifarms.net
There's this woman in my neighborhood who puts up signs around her property warning to keep off and mind our own business. For a while she had a giant banner in front of her yard which read "Practice Ahmsia and mind your own businessness". Not sure if the spelling error is intentional or not. She is also under the delusion that people have been breaking into her house and trying on her clothes. She rants about this often on local social media.

Not sure if it was her, but someone has been posting some very bizzare and incoherent posters around that general area. They claim that an "ariel spraying program" has been carried out by the federal government, altering the weather patterns and the shape and color of the clouds. Some of them also criticize elected officials, like the our mayor, our governor and President Trump. In one poster, entitled As Published on Saturn, they claim that Trump is only a famous fictional character, not a real person, and being portrayed by an actor.

For now, I am assuming that this woman is the one posting the ariel spraying posters. I strongly suspect she has some sort of mental illness. When I can, I will post pictures of those posters for your analysis.

Edit: Recovered some photos of the posters.
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Titty Figurine

Necrothot
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
It's so minor but I'm chuckling about this sperg in a group I follow right now and just kind of need to shit it somewhere.

I follow a pretty minor streamer with a notably more famous significant other. Ever since getting mentioned a couple times on some of the bigger fish's streams there have been a few notice-me-senpai orbiters around the community trying to get to the famous one through their piece but only one tryhard really stands out.

And oh boy does he stand out. Kid's got that "I'm 22 and I'm weathered and I understand the whole world better than you because I'm so old now" kind of thing going on. Rest of the community is pretty safe-spacey with a few troons and triggered teens using it as a hugbox, but he's easily got the thinnest skin of them all and any attempt at banter or constructive criticism results in a haughty French-Canadian storm of "You are wrong and don't waste my time" assmad.

It's great. He's shit at everything he does and argues about every single thing he posts on the small Discord, from his shitty overprocessed photography to his absolute inability to cook (he tried to let beer bread rise overnight and baked a brick yet documented the whole thing and argued about it) and gets especially pissy if you call him an Intel fanboy.

It's gotten to the point where he'll show up to derail a serious conversation and despite the asskissing hugbox nature of the group everyone just talks over him now.

Still swoops into stream chat for a minute or two every few days like everyone is hanging on to his every action but very conspicuously only really engages when the famous guy comes into the room from time to time (who tends to ignore this kid's ott familiarity with him during his personal gaming streams).

Unfortunately he's really only funny in this context. Aside from a couple "Of course he did" posts on his plebbit about things like trying to rat out people smoking the devil's lettuce at his workplace and accidentally dropping his phone in such a way that it shows off his ugly mug trying to look smooth at said workplace he's got nothing going for him except acting important on tech YouTuber forums.

One PC part sperglet drop in an ocean of them, but he's my little shit-stirring sperglet.
 
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Julias_Seizure2

Puts the rave in depraved
kiwifarms.net
Someone i used to work with ran into a guy who went up recording everyone standing right on the border of whats considered public property and do everything he could to annoy people and when confronted would be all smug about his right to public record. I looked up the channel and found hundreds more videos, this guy uploads regularly traveling across Canada doing "rights audits" which involve harassing buisnesses until they ask him to stop filming so he can berate them for infringing on his rights.


Ill have to dig for some of the better videos and edit them in later but you should get the idea
 
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BuffaloJoe

kiwifarms.net
I used to be friends with a semi-popular Swedish youtuber named Coyotemation who used to do SFM animations for pewdiepie. He was a mutual friend on the facepunch forums, and when the subforum that we hung out in was axed by the mods, he created and hosted a forum for us. All went well for a couple months until he banned another user for having a pro-trump opinion. Since there was only like 30 of us on the forum, it was really unneccesary to ban anybody since we were all pretty tight. This started a rift that ended up with the forum closing and everybody moving to discord.

I still had Coyote as a friend on facebook, and he would comment on any remotely right wing thing I posted. Since this was during the months leading up to 2016 election, I was getting pretty political. Eventually I got tired of his shilling for clinton and deleted him. I forgot about him for years until I saw him sperging about the George Floyd riots on facepunch's successor forum. He's become completely enveloped in far-left politics to a comical degree. I looked up his youtube channel and found his latest video full of shitty takes.


I guess I don't think he's a bad guy, just has become completely overtaken by goofy annoying political shit
 

D.Va

(ㅇㅅㅇ❀)
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I used to be friends with a semi-popular Swedish youtuber named Coyotemation who used to do SFM animations for pewdiepie. He was a mutual friend on the facepunch forums, and when the subforum that we hung out in was axed by the mods, he created and hosted a forum for us. All went well for a couple months until he banned another user for having a pro-trump opinion. Since there was only like 30 of us on the forum, it was really unneccesary to ban anybody since we were all pretty tight. This started a rift that ended up with the forum closing and everybody moving to discord.

I still had Coyote as a friend on facebook, and he would comment on any remotely right wing thing I posted. Since this was during the months leading up to 2016 election, I was getting pretty political. Eventually I got tired of his shilling for clinton and deleted him. I forgot about him for years until I saw him sperging about the George Floyd riots on facepunch's successor forum. He's become completely enveloped in far-left politics to a comical degree. I looked up his youtube channel and found his latest video full of shitty takes.


I guess I don't think he's a bad guy, just has become completely overtaken by goofy annoying political shit
Oh, it's this guy. I was reading some of the responses and the usual pattern was him baiting for people complaining about extremism.

The dude cannot comprehend criticism on ACAB. What baffles me more is that the dude is Swedish, and has definitely never experienced the problems specific to US policing. Trés americaine.
Screenshot from 2020-07-03 05-22-15.png

He doesn't know what bigot means, but uses that word and "fascist subsystem" a lot without really understanding the irony of his situation.
Screenshot from 2020-07-03 05-25-34.png

Apparently he quit because of some groomer drama and PEWDIEPIE
Screenshot from 2020-07-03 05-20-20.png
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Twitter, too, and did a massive Tweet purge. Seriously, there's nothing left but these three tweets despite being an active user for a decade.
Screenshot from 2020-07-03 05-33-10.png

I did my research and apparently this coincided with some two-week-old drama over calling someone (CrySpy/Cryagonal) out for cheating as discussed over at lolcow.farm. Seems he kinda just DFE'd a bunch of his accounts, at least for the time being.

(also worth noting that your friend trooned out, according to a Google snapshot of his twitter.)
 

BuffaloJoe

kiwifarms.net
Oh, it's this guy. I was reading some of the responses and the usual pattern was him baiting for people complaining about extremism.

The dude cannot comprehend criticism on ACAB. What baffles me more is that the dude is Swedish, and has definitely never experienced the problems specific to US policing. Trés americaine.
View attachment 1424597

He doesn't know what bigot means, but uses that word and "fascist subsystem" a lot without really understanding the irony of his situation.
View attachment 1424607

Apparently he quit because of some groomer drama and PEWDIEPIE
View attachment 1424593
View attachment 1424646

Twitter, too, and did a massive Tweet purge. Seriously, there's nothing left but these three tweets despite being an active user for a decade.
View attachment 1424622

I did my research and apparently this coincided with some two-week-old drama over calling someone (CrySpy/Cryagonal) out for cheating as discussed over at lolcow.farm. Seems he kinda just DFE'd a bunch of his accounts, at least for the time being.

(also worth noting that your friend trooned out, according to a Google snapshot of his twitter.)
I didn't even realize he became a woman, but that doesn't surprise me given what I remember of him, though over the past 4 years he's gone from average neoliberal swede man to insurrectionist trans goth girl. I never thought he was into men though, I'm pretty sure he had a girlfriend at some point, and I can find no evidence of it either way today.

I was looking at his history on facepunch's successor, knockout.chat. It looks like he requested to be permabanned from the site 2 weeks ago. I guess that ends at least 7 years of being in that community, probably longer.

coy.png

Honestly I hope he becomes less crazy political. It doesn't seem to be bringing him much happiness.
 
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NerdShamer

kiwifarms.net
>Be me.
>Mom is an angry bitch today.
>Stepdad is incredibly dense.
>He's fucking up too many times today because he's dense.
>Doesn't predict that this will make Mom more curious than she normally is.
>All of an sudden, she decides to go through his browsing history for an semi-related reason.
>Finds porn.

>"IT'S AN POPUP! "
>Finds some rape sex shit.
> He still claims it's intrusive malware.
>He storms off
>She discovers recurring trend of rape-filled movies and we're both horrified.
>I wonder why he never learned how to cover his tracks.
>She calls extended family about this.
 
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Shitassdeaddude

kiwifarms.net
I recently chewed out someone in a local tabletop group for being a party-line-towing stereotype of a Trump supporter. Seriously, the guy was like a strawman written by an SJW fanfic author. He was like a parody of a person. We were having an entirely unrelated conversation when he just started talking about COVID out of nowhere, and how Trump was right about masks and shit. I snapped like a goddamn twig. People had called him out on his shit before but something about his COVID nonsense just made me go absolutely apeshit on him. I don't usually get like that but he had been pressing my buttons for a few weeks leading up to it.

He responded to this by going dark for a day and then coming back having "seen the light." Now he's a full-throated "ANTIFA did nothing wrong," ACAB Trump-Is-Satan leftist. At first I thought he was just being facetious to spite me but it's been like two weeks and he acts like that to everyone, not just me. It's like everything I said got chopped up in that fucking vitamix of a brain of his until he thought what I meant was "I want you to be exactly the same but leftist." I'm starting to wonder if he has some serious psychological issue we're not privy to.

Oh and if you're curious "the riots are good for keeping COVID contained" is his new stance.
 

White bubblegum

Blow me
kiwifarms.net
A guy I knew in high school, who I was crazy for only to find out he's a complete cow(in my eyes, at least).

A very gregarious guy, he is. That is until you strike a nerve and end up getting screamed at about stupid shit like seahorses and bus money that result in getting kicked out of the classroom. Regular trips to administration. Making jokes about shooting up the school, earnestly saying he'd shoot up the school, and then being surprised when he gets suspended and the cops called to his house.
Mentally and physically abusive to his girlfriends. Once chicks in my grade realized how terrible he is(besides me of course) he starts going after freshmen. Also, his cum tastes like battery acid and spoiled bananas. Casually tells me he's uncircumcised in front of people. Casually asks me in front of people if my boyfriend let me touch him. But we get along and enjoy bantering with each other. Until I strike another nerve by reminding him of his bad reputation and he shuns me for the rest of the year like a little bitch. He swings exacto blades at my head(surprisingly they can do a lot of damage).
I realize it's high school drama shit, but I was seriously into that guy and let it cloud my mind to how much he sucks. When I finally realized it it was like crashing into a brick wall.
 

Thisiscivilsociety

kiwifarms.net
On a whim I lived in a cult for three years, after I left the cult property was seized by a third party and since then my personal lolcows have been each of the families (altogether 40+ people) as they have attempted to integrate into normal life (some being in there for 25 years, some being kids with no previous life experience outside that setting).
Most of the elders had a superiority complex, so seeing their reactions to their property being taken, their streams of money being cut off, and their reputations publicly tarnished (within local media) has been great fun.
Several have taken spurious cases against the state (one even filed the same case twice due to misspelling their own name). Several are under investigation for child abuse and have had their computers seized. One couple divorced and the wife is selling essential oils. One woman went on tinder, found a match and moved into his house ASAP to avoid deportation. It is an endless source of mirth.
 

curds

kiwifarms.net
A year or two ago I came across a news article about some girl from Florida who claimed to be an “objectophile” and in love with Tetris, planning to “marry” it. Every now and then I find a little bit more of her presence on the internet, and the more and more I learn about her and the sexual proclivities she divulges in the more I wish I never found her in the first place. She’s not very milky, but rather vomit-inducing with her lack of self-awareness and how she’s convinced her fetish for objects is a legitimate sexuality. Her Twitter is full of her SJW rants, pictures of herself rubbing her cooch on everything from 3D printers to keyboards, and proclamations of love to yet more objects and video games.

From her own account of "falling in love" with Tetris
It got to the point I'd stuff myself with all three cartridges and blocks. Sometimes I'd even put them in my ass. I absolutely love the feel of my ass being stuffed with blocks. Tetris does not like anal because he doesn't want to get covered in shit. So I rarely do it. I usually can fit 5 plastic blocks in my pussy, but once I fit 9. It was so hot feeling them press against me and shift inside of me, and I just loved imagining them clearing away inside of me.

Sex life with a calculator
His entire coolness contrasts that of my increasingly warming skin, slowly getting rough from the goosebumps I get dragging him across my body--first my face, down my arms, across my chest and torso--my torso tends to get these pleasant spasms on the onset of a gentle, light tickle. I'm the type of person that takes ages to arouse, and ages to actually climax, so I need lengthy foreplay--yes, foreplay: objectum sexuals consider their activities more akin to sex than masturbation, as they intend to please their beloved object, too. His buttons against my nipples feel especially amazing; each button providing a wonderful contrast of texture...and of course, Pierre enjoys it too, but he really enjoys it when I actually use him, especially when I play with his function editor (the built-in LUA programming tool). He likes it when I manually mash his enter key, but really likes it when he does a long, continuous calculation. I program him mid-foreplay to execute anywhere from a simple function to something rather complex. He loves that. And I like it too--the first time I found myself inexplicably turned on by his 3D graphing function, I realized exactly how nerdy I really am. All his functions are--many non-nerds have the exact same expression the first time they see him (his model, really), that he's "not a calculator, but a computer."
 
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