Personal Lolcows -

Massively Strong Greed

Thanks for the money, dummy!
kiwifarms.net
Remembered another horrorcow. This was a rich kid that got bullied frequently; I got along with him quite well. Suddenly, the bullying apprently went too far and he sent threatening emails to those who bullied him, leading to his expulsion. This led to an assembly where the staff had to spend about an hour explaining that "there was no hit list" and they never said who the expelled student was even though everyone knew.
 

pissenthusiast

kiwifarms.net
I have a good personal lolcow. He's nowhere near a horrorcow, just a dumbass. Let's call him Randy for privacy.

Sorry if the formatting is fucked, first post.

So randy and I used to be classmates in film school. Randy is also gay, which no one has a problem with, but he's the type of gay that embodies every stereotype about gay people that exist. He's flamboyant, loud, brash, fashionable, has a light, feminine voice with a bit of a lisp, and if he ever tried to fight someone he'd be turned inside out. Randy was also bullied in high school because he was gay, now that's unfortunate, but god forbid you give him an in to talk about it, because he will take a 100 miles. Every project we had in school, no matter how unrelated it may be, he always managed to make it about how he got bullied in school, how bullying is wrong and how everyone should accept each other for who they are (something he doesn't do btw)

Over all, Randy is a super pretentious, un self-aware dick wad. Here are some fun stories.


Like previously stated, Randy will make everything about himself. If it's not directly about himself it has something to do with either the LGBT-community, bullying, or his turbo-liberal views. One of my favorites was when he took pictures of himself with loads of slurs and insults written on his face, with a bottom text stating something like "stop bullying" or something equally retarded.

However, by far the best of his projects was when he wanted to make a short film for one of our classes that was about, you guessed it, an LGBT kid being bullied. So he thought the most clever way of doing this was to play a trans character who bullies a straight, cis girl, to show the irony or something idfk, and so he dressed up in drag and filmed himself making fun of another girl. In his head, this was supposed to open our eyes to the horrors of bullying, but it's hard to take it seriously wen this guy is in full drag, in the middle of a school hallway, getting the shit beat out of him by some girl and filming it.

SIDENOTE: My class was quarantined in a different building because the rest of the school was afraid our rampant autism would spread to the other non-film students. This meant that this whole Mortal Kombat-esque drag-queen fight scene was filmed in the middle of a school hallway, instead of our separate building but the ACTUAL school where all the normal kids attended class, so my entire line of education could be embarrassed. No, the movie was not good.


Randy also has a YouTube channel and other popular forms of social media, and yes, these platforms somehow contain even more pretentious bullshit, if that's even possible. His Instagram contains one of his best posts. I shit you not, two black and white photos, one of him laughing, and another one with a close up of his face with a single tear rolling down his face. The description of his post contains a fuck-off amount of text comparable to this post about his "two personalities" because apparently feeling two different emotions constitutes BPD.

His YouTube channel is not as melodramatic as the rest of his posts, but god DAMN if it isn't as retarded. His videos are 20-30 minute "vlogs" with minimal to no editing where he talks to the camera about shit no one cares about, but doesn't cut out the shit in between, thus his videos are filled with these long pauses of breathing and weird, tinnitus-like background noise. These videos sometimes feature his boyfriend, who he seems to break up with on a bi-weekly basis. They're overall boring as fuck with minimal to no effort.

He also had a shitty podcast with episodes ranging in length from 10 minutes to 50 of him either talking to himself or just someone from or class. He also posts regularly to his Snapchat with small texts that state how horrible of a day he's had in a thinly veiled method of getting attention.


So far everything has been tame, and while this story isn't exactly mind blowing, it's still kind of freakish, and to this day I have no idea why he thought he should share this with his peers.

Now losing your virginity is a big deal to some people, so much so that a girl in our class decided that everyone had to hear about it. She's a neon haired, same clothes everyday wearing, Undertale fanfiction writing, warrior cats OC drawing DeviantArt 2009 emo girl, so how she managed to ensnare some sorry fool desperate for minge, we still haven't figured out. Naturally everyone was a bit taken a back and mostly tried to ignore it. Everyone except our boy Randy, he was going to one up her with his own story of how he lost HIS virginity.

Now you may be asking "But wait, I thought Randy was gay" and yes he is., but we're not talking about his virginity in regards to having sex with someone of the opposite gender, we're talking about his anal virginity.

Randy had found a man off of the internet who he had managed to convinced to come meet him and fuck him, if this man had been an axe-murderer we would probably have been better off. Now, of all the places to fuck, why on earth would you do it in a construction site port-a-potty. Those things are the most disgusting cesspools of filth on the planet. You're LUCKY if someone hasn't smeared shit all over the walls or heroin needles aren't adorning every part of the floor. So, in that toilet he got fucked, and assuming that this was in a place with no running water, I'm sure he had no place to wash his insides, so that's a pleasant image for everyone who heard this story.

That's about it, like I said, nothing spectacular, but if you knew this guy personally you'd understand better why he's such an experience to be around. If I remember some more stories I might post them.
 

Junkail

kiwifarms.net
So he thought the most clever way of doing this was to play a trans character who bullies a straight, cis girl, to show the irony or something idfk, and so he dressed up in drag and filmed himself making fun of another girl. In his head, this was supposed to open our eyes to the horrors of bullying, but it's hard to take it seriously wen this guy is in full drag, in the middle of a school hallway, getting the shit beat out of him by some girl and filming it.
You'd assume he'd get someone to do the skit with him and let them know ahead of time. :lit:
 
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Junkail

kiwifarms.net
I've finally decided to discuss my crunchy cousin (cc) on this thread. As much as he is my kin, he has also been quite the lolcow for the past few years. For some background information, we come from a big family, and with big families comes big age gaps and big lolcows. Our family is no exception, and cc happens to be the biggest one.

Currently, cc is a forty-year old doctor who has been recently remarried and gets secondary custody of his kids. While this doesn't sound too bad, it was his character that essentially broke the first marriage.

From the 1980s to 2016, cc arrived to the United States, graduated high school and college, did some postgraduate schooling, and got a job as a doctor. He also found a wife and fathered two children with her. At this point, he wasn't quite an lolcow yet, with the exception of the occasional foot up someone's ass (ie:asking one of chonkier cousins if they should be getting seconds). However, this all changed when someone emailed him an article from Facebook in 2016.

The thing about cc is that he is very good at absorbing information. This had helped him immensely with school to an extent. While straight-up memorization wasn't quite an ideal way to learn new concepts, it wouldn't have posed a problem had cc not been the type of person to believe everything he reads. Cc was the most gullible person in our family, which was why he fell hook, line, and sinker for the antivaccine bullshit. As a result of subsequently filling himself with bullshit after bullshit articles on vaccines and other medical junk, he decided to not get his toddlers vaccinated, prohibit them from eating any form of sugar, and also not teach them English (his logic was that they'll learn it in school, while missing the point that they'll need it for school). Natually, his wife did not agree with any of this, so a lot of fighting ensued. At this point, cc and the wife were already legally married, living together and were planning their marriage ceremony for about 8 months. Thanks to cc's jackassery, they eventually ended up cancelling the wedding two months prior and used the funds in a divorce court instead. Long story short, the judge gave primary custody to the wife for all of the above reasons. Cc was also forced to get the children's vaccinations up to date, since they were about to go to school, and homeschooling nor private schools were not an option since a) cc did not have teaching credentials b) the family was not religious and c) they were both broke as fuck from the divorce. In short, cc was tard-wrangled by the law into giving giving his kids vaccinations and allowing his wife to raise them like normies.

After that stinging divorce, cc went to Russia in 2018 to get married, much to everyone's disapproval. He had apparently found an 18 year-old mail-order bride and had decided to marry her over there. Remember how I said thay big families usually have big age gaps? Well, this 38 year-old man had just married someone who was old enough to be my little sister within 6 months of knowing her (online). Furthermore, cc decided to marry her in mother Russia like he was eloping, because he was a pussy who was afraid that everyone would reject the marriage (for the bride's sake). Nevertheless, there wasn't much anyone could do once he got married, since he's a grown man and all. I just hope that the new wife doesn't believe everything he says.

As of now, cc's financial situation is more stable than in 2016, and he is living peacefully with the new wife. His kids are relatively normal thanks to the Mrs. , and frankly, this is probably the best situation considering all that has happened. Let's just pray that no one gives him a Facebook article on essential oils.

Tl;dr: 40 year-old man reads some Facebook articles and becomes an antivaxxer, throws aways his wife and kids over his bullshit, gets tard-wrangled by the law into giving his kids vaccinations, and ends up marrying a barely-legal lady who's in it for the green card.
 

Adamska

Last Gunman
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Tl;dr: 40 year-old man reads some Facebook articles and becomes an antivaxxer, throws aways his wife and kids over his bullshit, gets tard-wrangled by the law into giving his kids vaccinations, and ends up marrying a barely-legal lady who's in it for the green card.
You forgot job, because it's clear he got fired at one point for being a retard who wants dead children just from reading this.
 

Liber Pater

@Rat Speaker did nothing wrong. Lang Gang
kiwifarms.net
Update: His YouTube channel has taken off and he uploads nearly daily. No chimp-outs. Deletes negative comments but otherwise does not engage w/ negatives. Typical conspiracy nonsense and wine.
He's also running for Senate.
Demand Xan the Man 2020!
Someone has also (re)uploaded(?) some of his amateur porn and nude photos on Pornhub.

 

derpi

Shaped like a girl
kiwifarms.net
Someone has also (re)uploaded(?) some of his amateur porn and nude photos on Pornhub.
It appears to be another internet historian. The tags aren’t in his usual style and he’s never referred to his business ventures as being incorporated. Big thanks to whoever managed to save the NSFW.

Bruh, that guy looks so crusty. How does anyone find that appealing?
I believe the saying is “Don’t yuck my yum!” (:_(
 
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Adamska

Last Gunman
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I wished. If that happened, he'd have some common sense slapped into him.
Medical doctor believing in anti-vax is like a geologist who believes in a flat earth; a disgrace to the degree. No company with basic integrity would want either.

If he's keeping mum on it at work, that's him knowing he's full of shit, he just wants to find a cheap way to kill children.
 

Junkail

kiwifarms.net
Medical doctor believing in anti-vax is like a geologist who believes in a flat earth; a disgrace to the degree. No company with basic integrity would want either.

If he's keeping mum on it at work, that's him knowing he's full of shit, he just wants to find a cheap way to kill children.
I think he just wants to prove that he's right all the time, so whenever someone calls out his shit, he doubles down on it. That's why we play kick the autistic with him every reunion.
 
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Adamska

Last Gunman
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I think he just wants to prove that he's right all the time, so whenever someone calls out his shit, he doubles down on it. That's why we play kick the autistic with him every reunion.
So number one then.

Given that, cheer on his eugenics program then and highlight his support of the works of Mengele, since he clearly wants dead children for Moloch. Phrase it as a master plan in culling the undesireables and weak in the New Society he preaches.
 
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Redsquare

kiwifarms.net
Meet Flordiapie08. Self-hating, mentally ill black woman who believes she is dating Anderson Cooper (lol) and that his baby Wyatt is actually her daughter Ashlynn photoshopped to look like a White baby boy. She also believes Anderson Cooper installed a microphone inside her body so they can communicate.


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Aviva's Biotech-Breakdown

What white trash means, is a moral failure.
kiwifarms.net
Hope this doesn't count as a powerlevel, but I grew up with a girl who is now infamous in all of the English speaking world for being in an MTV's Catfish episode 5-6 years back. This episode caught the attention of Dr. Phil, and then she was featured in an episode of his show. I'm not even gonna bother to link them because they can be found on Youtube in 3 seconds, but I see her from time to time, and last I checked in on her via TikTok, she was trying to get married. She graduated high school at age 22 and has been obsessed with teen pregnancies since at least 2011.

One time her mom dropped her off at the mall to meet some dude, but forgot to leave her money, so she spent 6hrs threatening to call the police on Mom (this was all on Facebook). She also has a deep obsession with Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus.

EDIT: I changed my mind have these.


Her "vlogs"
 
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behavioral swamp thang

preparing to TRANNYPORT in 3..2..1..
kiwifarms.net
So I have a few personal lolcows, one is one of my closest girl friends, and I speculate about her occasionally in bu$$y parlor. I used to be a street rat, so I have met a few dandies. Don't fault me for enjoying a bit o' :popcorn: along with the calamity.

Anyway, my 20 something bff was fresh out of a LTR and prowling the scene of an American metropolis. She was playin' hoe runner, and ended up landing on this "37" year old bouncer at a punk bar that worked only two shifts a week. He supplemented his income via being a fucking coke n' shrooms dealer (isn't there a D12 song about that?). He lived with a roommate and had no vehicle in a city with harsh winters. The dude had a certain bad boy je ne sais quoi, but still looked like a inbred ginger. My friend? A complete knock out making close to six figures a year. Born into wealth, went to college. Yet, an insecure bulimic and serial monogamist.

When they got together, I was skeptical. Apparently, he enjoyed going to the strip club- so much that he was on a texting basis with a few strippers. My friend had grown up in a family where she was taught to make excuses for men. Her father was an alcoholic gambler that pissed away her college fund, while her mom worked developing software for banks, aka hella loot. Also, when I met him I sussed he was much older than 37. When he mentioned a Steely Dan record coming out his senior year of high school, my eyebrow raised. Later in the night I asked for his id. Told him I wanted to see what the IDs in his state looked like. Home boy was 53. Never the less, the two dated for 8 months when she finally caught him talking to strippers. He claimed he loved her, but he couldn't commit. He was a confused, lost man, unsure of himself, a child.

The man moved on, sort of. He began dating a woman with the same name as my bff. While simultaneously fucking around on her with my bff. Bulimia and birth control pills failed, and now my bff is in her second trimester with a drug dealer twice her age. The early stages were hazy, she couldn't pin point when she conceived because he was nutting in her that regularly. They had been using coke in large amounts. She was ready to give up the coke, but weed was another story. She is still using marijuana on the regular. She dabs shard 15-25 times a day. She is still ten pounds underweight, and tells me how she fears getting fat. I have tried to talk to her about the consequences of drug use and caffeine on children, but she says she is willing to take the risks because a lot of women do it and her morning sickness is severe.

Ultimately, the baby daddy left the girl he was cheating on. My bff and him have moved in together. They share her car. She says he has quit drug dealing and got a second job as a contractor, but I don't buy it. I bet he is out on the streets slinging work. I don't care enough to become a private eye. Despite his ancient sperm, the fetus is healthy and reaching all of it's in utereo milestones. She says he isn't excited, but he is supportive. I speculate he will go out for a cigarette one night and never return. I worry my friend's drug use will worsen if she hates motherhood or gets diagnosed with PPD. Still, the voyeur in me can't help but gag at the spectacle. A woman with beauty, smarts, and money, pissing it away on a middle aged coke head. They are having a girl.
 

DatBepisTho

Cryptid Farmer
kiwifarms.net
Stumbled across this guy recently. Be seems to have gone inactive and left little trace, so it's hard to learn more to write more than this little blurb. *sigh*
Atleast it's a potential rabbit hole of skitzo-conspiritards of the religious flavor, tho.

His blog
 
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Kinnie

kiwifarms.net
Used to know a girl who thought she was a trans boy. She would write "boy" and "he/him" on her cheeks while sporting a sexy red push-up dress. She also identified as a wolf and called herself transspecies. Not "otherkin"--transspecies. But her species transition was limited to removable cosmetics and accessories just like her gender transition. She's probably the reason why even the liberals in my family are turned off to trannies.
 

LinkinParkxNaruto[AMV]

I try so hard and got so far
kiwifarms.net
So this is not so much a cow i make fun off (although yes, some videos of her are really, really funny) but one i feel kinda worried about and i hope she gets better with her issues, i just was so dumbfounded by her weirdness i could not stop watching her videos. So buckle up because its gonna be a bit of a longpost . That said, i present you:

So for some intro, i found about the channel Astrid D through some anon on /x/ who found it using petittube, for those who don't know, that is just a site that directs you to random youtube videos that have little or no views. Turns out Astrid has been making videos for about 5 years despite most of them not having a single view and her channel having 0 subscribers and she has made more than 900 videos. A lot of fucking videos.


Astrid is venezuelan, so she jumps constantly between speaking in english and spanish, the content of pretty much all of her videos seem to be denouncing a long drawn out conspiracy that Pop superstar Justin Bieber has against her and also her directing a lot of angry insults and taunts at Bieber to leave her alone and stop messing with her and her family. Aparently the biebs is a villain mastermind, he has allied himself with his gay boyfriend , Mike Burdeet (i have no idea who that guy is, she just mentions him all the time) to gaslight and remote view Astrid across the world. Some (and i do mean some, because there are many more) of the things she claims are:
-Justin has satellites and lasers he uses to hit her with radiation from space and cause her illness
-Justin can spy her every move and also give her headaches so she sometimes wear a pillow case with an x-ray inside wrapped around her head to stop the bieber beams
-Justin is secretly gay, possibly a tranny and also a pedophile
-Justin is allied with none other than Vladimir Putin.
-Justin actively collaborates with the Maduro regime to ruin venezuela
-Justin operates a very large criminal underground network and has a vast network of venezuela sicarios
-Justin keeps all his armed men in different hangars around the city she lives in
-Justin is to blame for her family bussiness being expropiated by Chavez . (Guessing by her home, Astrid seems to be from a well off household)
-Justin can damage door knobs with his laser
-Justin likes to annoy her cats using his laser
-Justin burns her food with his laser
-Justin ruins his windows and messes with her amazon shopping with his laser
-You can pretty much figure out what the pattern is by now

Then theres Mike Burdett, Bieber's alleged goon and gay lover. Apparently Mike killed his whole family of wife and two kids at Justin`s Behalf and helps Justin carry out his vendetta against Astrid.
The FBI and the CIA both blocked her from twitter because she sent so many messages tagging their accounts with accusations about bieber. Her mentions on there are a bunch of random people telling her to please quit being crazy.
Oh, and Astrid is a psychic and expert at divination using the pendulum with her own home devised system.

Now here is what i we can assume by her videos and maybe speculate about her home life, (her videos are usually a couple minutes long btw so theres only so much info to extract from each. Probably why her channel is such an interesting rabbit hole)
-She obviously has some mental issues , that much seems pretty blatant, which is anyone's only guess but she accuses Bieber of "taking drugs, having a bad trip and never coming down" , she even says in a video "Bieber, thats what happened to you, you took to many mushrooms, too much acid and you were never the same, i had friends who had that happen to them" So maybe is projection and Astrid is a psychotic type that fucked up with the wrong substances
- She apparently lives and is probably supported by her parents who seem well off given that they seem to live on a nice crib and even have a gardener. Although her mental state in the videos leaves the question if she is actually taking pills and being taken care of professionally.
-she seems to have at least a few friends, she seems to have maybe been kinda normal then went off the rails at some point rather than someone who was always this bad.
-There's very little indication of her parents knowing about her youtube videos, maybe she is relatively normal but sometimes has outbursts when she is left alone.
-Astrid watches a lot Investigation Discovery on tv, possibly Mike Burdett is some random guy from one of those forensic shows about burguer murders and crimes
-She claims she met Bieber through the internet but she rejected his sexual advances, thats why the Bieber hates her, although Bieber is also gay, so i don't know whats up with that dude.
-She likes trap music and some fuckboi rappers and i kinda think she is too old for that so is kinda tacky, come on gurl
-She hasnt posted anything on youtube for a while, this is probably the longest strech she hasnt updated her channel, her latest videos where around december i think, she was making hallacas which is a traditional venezuelan christmas dish and of course, darn Justin Bieber what trying to sabotage even that, the fucking nerve on that guy.
-She is still active on twitter and instagram where she posts seemingly teenage fangirl stuff mixed with schizo evangelical type stuff and his usual Bieber tirades and also some Baboon Lives Matter stuff


So thats it, thank you for joining me on this sperg quest and sorry for the TL;DR. Very few people actually know about her, although i shared her channel on a semi dead venezuelan ib and users gave her the title of the board official queen and has since been refereed to as a beloved schizo mommy (she has never been made aware of this that i know of) . she is very milky , (granted not as bombastic as someone like Chris Chan) but most people are just worried if she is ok and taking her pills, it kinda sucks to go crazy in a country like Venezuela or having family going through that. Some of her rants are scary af, other are hilarious though and make great copypastas.

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catpin

Im fucking done being nice
kiwifarms.net
I used to work at MacDonald's a few years back
they were pretty desperate for personnel since they were surprisingly very understaffed.
This means they will literally take ANYONE.
I met several mentally disabled people who were pretty chill and nice, even went to drink a coffee with some after work.
I thought they just selected well-disabled people somehow but then a girl came in called Emily.
She was pretty cute, but god did she had autism.
She'd constantly lie and use her autism as a crutch for her actions.
She goes on break early and says: "Sorry that must be my autism."
I usually went cleaning with her but I always seemed to do all the hard work while she only did the dishes.
The manager's patience ran out pretty quickly but what happened next was the final straw.
A couple of months later Emily got promoted to the Ice and Soda station where we made all the Mcflurry's and Frappes.
That's when an actual Mchorrorstory got started.
When you pay for your food at the cashier you can see the window where the Ice and soda station is.
Hear a woman say "Hey, did that girl just take a bite out of that ice cream and continued working?"
Emily fucking took a bite out of a Mcflurry using the same spoon she was going to give to the customer.
Cashier gets the manager and the manager says she'll get one Mcflurry for free if she keeps it quiet.
The manager finally gets to Emily and asks her what the fuck she was thinking.
"Uhhh... I don't know, that's what you get for hiring autistic people at MacDonald's."
Fucking what.
She got fired a week later I heard from one of my mentally disabled co-workers.
"I know I might be not the smartest but I wouldn't even do that," they said.
Tfw retarded people even say autistic people are degenerates.

I got more stories if anyone is interested.
 
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