Personal Lolcows -

I feel a bit bad for this, but fuck it I'm a cunt.

My personal lolcow is Emma Waring (nee Holland). I became aware of her because - about 8 years ago - she fucked a friend of mine when he was still married to his first wife, then married him after she badgered/guilt tripped him into a divorce. The dude died last month. His death wasn't the beginning of my attention of her, I've been aware of her for a while obviously. It has, however, ramped up in the last month.

She is desperate to be e-famous. You can tell from the way she writes her over 9,000 blogs - she writes as if she has something important to say, and has an audience of thousands. She is the blogging equivalent, however, of the Twitch streamer with 3 viewers.

The day after the husband died, she was signing up with social groups such as "Young and Widowed", which might be a PornHub catagory. Less than a month after, she started a blog about her journey as a widow. Posts so far include mentions of already calling the bank to insist that they no longer refer to her as Mrs, mentions of how she loves their daughter less than her husband(she plans to let the kid read the blog one day, so that's nice), and how she's already planning on how best to go about not wearing her wedding ring. Not only has she started this blog, she has also created a Twitter account specifically for it, for promotion I guess. But she's only writing for therapy, guys. No way is she trying to build up to cashing in on this shit.

She also has pronouns in her bio.

Here she is - on her wedding day - being wider than roughly a man of average size, so you can picture her in all her Lena Dunham wannabe glory,

10372147_10156602140840298_7445450292500631741_n.jpg




tl;dr I think my friend was sacrificed to the e-fame gods, and my coping mechanism is to watch his widow balloon in weight whilst using her widow status as a personality.
 
There is a regular who comes to the dog park, I'll call him dan. Dan is so annoying that people will text one another that dan is there so he can be avoided. Dan is in his 60s, has a thick Bronx accent and takes the boomer stereotypes to the next level. Dan has an opinion on absolutely everything, and his opinion is the only correct one. He'll come over to people and just start loudly voicing an opinion on whatever is being talked about. And he's one of those TALKING LOUD MEANS IM RIGHT types. I mean absolutely everything. When he's not over riding people's conversations, he's complaining non stop that he hates the area we are in and is always comparing it to new York. We're a desert across the country mind you. So it's "it gets so hot here. Ny had much more mild summers". He even rants about how the trees and bushes here are somehow inferior to ny. Multiple people have asked him why he just doesn't move back, to which he just sputters a response and walks away. Dan knows he annoys people and will make it a point to bother you if he knows he can. He talks to new people to kinda sus them out and then use it to annoy them. Ex) he once heard a guy talking to his friend about being bi. This guy is a 55yr old veteran with a plate in his head. So Dan goes over and while he doesn't talk directly to them, he loudly starts saying how back in his day (50s ny) the mafia would hang gay people. He's just kinda saying this into the air. The guy doesn't say anything, he just gets his dog and leaves. To which Dan FOLLOWS him asking "Why are you leaving why are you leaving? You're not offended are you? People get so offended now over everything". The man just politely says he doesn't want to talk to Dan and Dan keeps following this guy out to his car asking why is he offended. Dan pretends he's hard of hearing to eavesdrop on people and talk at full volume. He's especially creepy with young girls and women. He'll sit on a bench next to a woman and just start inching closer and closer while complimenting them. He likes to hoover over young girls and make everyone uncomfortable. He'll try and impress every women he meets. Sometimes he'll stand around one and then use what they're talking about to initiate conversation. Like "oh i haven't seen you before. I bet you're from Virginia right? You look like your from Virginia". (Person was just talking about moving from Virginia) it's hard to describe but it's so very predatory. Like he's not listening out of interest, but more gathering info for his own use.

Dan claims to be married. No one really questioned this for awhile until the things he said started to get super odd. No one has ever seen his wife, who he refers to as Mommy, and he says she's sick. Her illness ranged from genetic illness to her having to stay home because she has a bone infection with bleeding wounds all over down to the bone. And he says this just casual like, like laying in bed having a bleeding bone infection is normal. She apparently survived this and now is in hospice care, but only when he remembers he told people that. Other times she's still at home bleeding in bed. He'll pretend to take calls from her and loudly proclaim he's on the phone with his wife to no one in particular. We're firmly convinced that his wife is in a barrel in the basement.

Now onto Dans greatest hits of fuck tarded opinions and things he's said. I want you to keep in mind no one ever asks. He volunteers unprompted.

- to a young women studying to become a social worker: "i don't see the point in foster care. Foster kids, they arrive, and they arrive already ruined". No he did not understand why people were upset about him calling young children ruined.

- to a guy sitting with his kid: (context is the guy was talking about needing a new fridge) "I don't know if you know this but there used to be a real big problem with kids in my neighborhood getting stuck in old abandoned fridges and suffocating. They'd just be out playing and crawl in and no one could hear them in the fridge". Why kids specifically from his neighborhood? Why were there so many abandoned fridges? Why did he know no one could hear their screams? Things we'll never know.

- he frequently talks about how the younger generation is lazy and greedy and how the terrible job market is just an excuse. He doesn't believe in living wage, saying you can live on any wage, you just have to buckle down.

- Hates the police which is odd considering his super conservative views. He thinks police are "queers".

Dan also power levels like a mother fucker. He'll tell you about his alcoholic father who beat his mom. He'll tell you how he almost hung himself in a motel. He'll tell you about his siblings don't talk to him. He'll tell you about his mothers failed marriages. Everything you never wanted to know nor would ever discuss in a casual sitting.

Dan also lies. A lot. Highlights:

- Dan has his car plastered with 9/11 stickers and wears a lot of 9/11 memorabilia. Dan has claimed to not only be at ground zero, oh no that's not good enough for Dan, he says he was one of the first responders. Dan has also said he was no where near ny for 9/11. Ghost first responder I guess.
- Dan also wears a lot of pow/mia type things and talks a ton about korea and Vietnam and Iraq. He stops short of ever saying he ever served but lets people come to that conclusion. He NEVER talks about this when the actual veterans are around. He was asked "oh what branch were you in", and he had to sputter and backpedal and admit he didn't ever serve anywhere, he just likes "the look of military stuff". He actually has a very negative opinion about the army and will go on about that when the real veterans aren't around.
- Dan has met Reagan AND Trump. No details on either. He just has. Don't ask any follow up.
- Dan does have a Bronx accent as stated, but has also said he's from Brooklyn, Queens, Jersey and Delaware. It varies depending on who he's talked to.

One of the key things that makes Dan be Dan is his utter and complete obsession with trucking. He used to be a long haul trucker and will bring this up to absolutely everyone and recommend it as a career path to absolutely everyone. EVERYONE. Young mother? Should be a trucker. Make great money. Newly married? Trucker. Make double the money as a married truck team. Disabled? Trucker. He legit recommends trucking to people who have vision problems.

He also goes on about it. He'll share trucking tips like how to ask another man for a shower token, borrowing supplies for a shower, how not to anger another trucker at a shower stall. Dude is really concerned about shower etiquette between men. (It's been joked before to ask him about glory hole etiquette).
"When i was a trucker i hauled over the mountains....." Which leads to a long rambling story that somehow ends up being completely unrelated to trucking. He's never actually once described a specific job or company he worked for or, yk, how to actually be a trucker. (We've also joked that someone should track his old routes and see if they aline with missing women. Very David Parker Ray).

And no. His dog isn't even well behaved.
I'll bet this faggot rolls coal, if he even still has a truck.

By the way, for those curious, I have an update on this boy:
I recently chewed out someone in a local tabletop group for being a party-line-towing stereotype of a Trump supporter. Seriously, the guy was like a strawman written by an SJW fanfic author. He was like a parody of a person. We were having an entirely unrelated conversation when he just started talking about COVID out of nowhere, and how Trump was right about masks and shit. I snapped like a goddamn twig. People had called him out on his shit before but something about his COVID nonsense just made me go absolutely apeshit on him. I don't usually get like that but he had been pressing my buttons for a few weeks leading up to it.

He responded to this by going dark for a day and then coming back having "seen the light." Now he's a full-throated "ANTIFA did nothing wrong," ACAB Trump-Is-Satan leftist. At first I thought he was just being facetious to spite me but it's been like two weeks and he acts like that to everyone, not just me. It's like everything I said got chopped up in that fucking vitamix of a brain of his until he thought what I meant was "I want you to be exactly the same but leftist." I'm starting to wonder if he has some serious psychological issue we're not privy to.

Oh and if you're curious "the riots are good for keeping COVID contained" is his new stance.
He went even further off the deep end. It turns out I wasn't the reason he flipped the fence (which, looking back, is kind of exceptional of me to think anyway.) What got him to go start deepthroating communist cock? Literally deepthroating communist cock is what. Namely he got into a polyamorous relationship with a crazy anarcho-communist and some poor sap of a third guy. Didn't stay polyamorous for long though, as the third wheel apparently broke off and ran away soon after. Smart guy if you ask me. Anyway, my former friend and his genderfluid "partner," were raising money to start up a literal communist gun cult so they could hide out in the woods and prepare for when Trump began to take over the world.

Sound too crazy to be true? Well it is. Turns out Poly-the-Partner was a scam artist who ran off with $2000 of my former friend's money. And his gun. And his pride.

Did he learn his lesson?

Say it with me, friends. "FUCK NO."

He was still rambling on about injustices and shit for weeks after, talking about how he's sure the FBI nabbed Poly-Partner and they were coming for him next and how he wants to kill his conservative family. Unfortunately I can't watch his continuing spiral as he hasn't appeared online since throwing a shit-fit when the admin of the server changed his nickname to some Trump pun as a gag.
 
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Got a decent one.

Known this LOLcow through various forums for over 10 years now.
1.Obesssed with MLP and other cartoons.
2.Posts using the name from a forgotten shitty cartoon.
3.If you mention not liking any thing this person loves they take it as a personal attack.
4.If they get something wrong and are corrected they block you on whatever forum/twitter/whatever it is.
5.Oh can't forget how they have admitted to being 30 and never even kissed a female.
6.Might be cause they have also admitted to only being attracted to females between the ages of 13 and 15.
7.Begged for 8 years to be made a mod at one tiny dying forum. Finally after most of the posters had quit the forum this person go modded up.

I will just call them james crump.
 
Hell got time for 1 more.

This 400lb lard ass decided 4 years ago they were a woman trapped in a fat ass male's body. So now anytime someone gets mad at them or doesn't kiss their gigantic ass they use the "They hate me cause I'm trans" excuse. Ignoring that they are hated cause they are a shitty person.

1.Bitches often about their job. When it is something a trained chimp could do.
2.Got fired from their last job for posting confidental company info on a public forum. Claimed they were fired cause "The boss hates me cause i'm trans."
3.Has become a meme with Eastern Euro Alt Right groups. Mostly cause this person for a long time would post pictures of themselves all over.
4.Has frizzy red hair is over 400lbs and smells like 10 day old garbage that was left out in the sun.
5.Got put in charge of a dying forum cause no one else wanted the job.
6.Once in charge of this forum would make up rules just to have a reason to ban people that didn't kiss the giant ass.
7.Will get drunk and post about how they are the reason this dying forum is even more dead.
8.made an self admitted pedo a mod on this forum.
9.Bans anyone that mentions that making a pedo a mod on a forum isn't a good idea.
10.2 years ago wanted to take a break from this forum. So made the only real female on the forum admin. This female then stopped showing up for months at a time.
11.400lb Lard ass earlier this year disappeared from the forum. Also deleted all their social media. Was gone for 3 months before anyone even noticed.
12.Showed back up in the fall. Made a big post explaining why they were gone and no one really gave a shit.
13.Since the fall return they will make a post every few weeks seekign attention. Posts are mostly ignored by the 10 posters left at the dying forum.
14.Hates themself cause they know they are the posterchild for why lots of people hate trans people.
15.Not that long ago made a post bragging about how they ate 10lbs of gummi bears in one sitting.
 
I feel a little bad because this person had a disability, but I just remembered this but an old internet friend and I used to follow this one girl with down syndrome on Instagram called Jade Bruce and we got REALLY invested into her life (she has so many Instagram accounts but I think her original account is called @jadebruce_12 but wont accept me and only has 20 followers, but she has a public twitter account called @JadeJadebruce)

She didn't really do anything eccentric constantly, but she was just really weird
I don't remember too much, but I remember she would call black people 'niggers' and would use the word a lot, record herself saying it, etc. which people got upset over and she made an apology video
She'd always fight with people
I think she used to post singing videos too
People would constantly hype her up as a joke and call her 'beautiful' and such
She'd always post these absurd selfies where she'd try to look sexy
She speaks in really broken English which was really funny, people would post comments on her account mimicking her broken English
I remember people would make memes of her (and her broken English) and send them to her and she'd post them

She was definitely before her time as this was back in around 2014, I think she would be a bit more popular now if she was relevant.
 

Truthboi

The True and Honest Man
This person is a personal lolcow of mine that I knew for 3 years online. She is some dumb bitch that the only thing she is good at is manipulating other people with elaborate and stupid lies. Before I get into this, all my friends and I abandoned her this year for taking it too far for yelling at children angrily over telling her to get good at a video game along with other heinous shit I don't want to get into.

There is so much shit but one notable example is how after she got BTFO in an internet argument and rejected from a roleplaying group, she pretended to have a suicide attempt and go to the hospital to then pretend to be her mom who conveniently knew her online social life just to drum up sympathy for her. Everyone of my friends bought into it except one who was worried for backlash if they said anything. Apparently this year we found out that they were faking it because a friend contacted the hospital they claimed to stay in and the nurse said they weren't there. It didn't help in hindsight this came after losing an argument in the internet and not part of a game along with making other suicidebait to get people to feel bad for them whenever they fuck up.

The last thing of note is that they dated this nice guy who was more retarded than her, but really they would've been a perfect couple

This guy is a personal lolcow of mine because he was in a few Discord servers I was in. I didn't keep him much mind because he kept going on about how his life sucks and stuff. He had a relationship with a friend of mine which quickly ended after a month because they were feeling depressed and he tried to force an intervention on her and kept going on about how she's worrying him by showing pictures of him cutting himself (Not showing that for personal reasons), and he called the cops on her for allegedly committing suicide wanting her arrested. He has been blocked by her and this is the aftermath thanks to a buddy of mine. For context, he had been harassing his ex and saying how she was destined to give birth to his kid because they were calling out to him.

 

Hongourable Madisha

You see, some of us don't know English properly.
I have this dude on Facebook, and he regularly posts weird things about his life. Mostly it's videos of him MCing over makina tracks, tales of roid use, angry complaints about various aspects of modern life and culture, Chris-esque rants about how he wants to get laid, and weird rambling stories about an urban fox and a magpie that he feeds and now keep showing up outside his house.
The really weird part is I met him in real life once and he seemed completely normal. It's like he treats all his public social media as a diary where he writes all his lunacy.
 
I'll bet this faggot rolls coal, if he even still has a truck.

By the way, for those curious, I have an update on this boy:

He went even further off the deep end. It turns out I wasn't the reason he flipped the fence (which, looking back, is kind of exceptional of me to think anyway.) What got him to go start deepthroating communist cock? Literally deepthroating communist cock is what. Namely he got into a polyamorous relationship with a crazy anarcho-communist and some poor sap of a third guy. Didn't stay polyamorous for long though, as the third wheel apparently broke off and ran away soon after. Smart guy if you ask me. Anyway, my former friend and his genderfluid "partner," were raising money to start up a literal communist gun cult so they could hide out in the woods and prepare for when Trump began to take over the world.

Sound too crazy to be true? Well it is. Turns out Poly-the-Partner was a scam artist who ran off with $2000 of my former friend's money. And his gun. And his pride.

Did he learn his lesson?

Say it with me, friends. "FUCK NO."

He was still rambling on about injustices and shit for weeks after, talking about how he's sure the FBI nabbed Poly-Partner and they were coming for him next and how he wants to kill his conservative family. Unfortunately I can't watch his continuing spiral as he hasn't appeared online since throwing a shit-fit when the admin of the server changed his nickname to some Trump pun as a gag.
Got another update for y'all. He came into a discord call while we were all getting caught up on Mando and told us everything that's happened over the past few months was a lie, and an attempt at a publicity stunt on his part. Or something? He claimed he wanted to make a youtube video out of it but by the time he gave up, he was too deep in the lie to back out. He started going on this whole tangent about how he's a horrible person and he doesn't want us to forgive him and so-on and so-forth. You know, the usual "I'm not asking you to pity me but..." shtick.

IMHO he's lying-about-lying to cover his ass and hide from the embarassment of getting fooled by a sheister, now that he can look back and see how fucking stupid he's been over the past half year. Doesn't matter. Either way we kicked him out of our server. After this latest little incident he's just not worth the hassle anymore. So yeah, it all amounted to a wet fart. That's real life for you, I suppose.
 

Violent Ken Apologist

ENFP superstar
I feel a little bad because this person had a disability, but I just remembered this but an old internet friend and I used to follow this one girl with down syndrome on Instagram called Jade Bruce and we got REALLY invested into her life (she has so many Instagram accounts but I think her original account is called @jadebruce_12 but wont accept me and only has 20 followers, but she has a public twitter account called @JadeJadebruce)

She didn't really do anything eccentric constantly, but she was just really weird
I don't remember too much, but I remember she would call black people 'niggers' and would use the word a lot, record herself saying it, etc. which people got upset over and she made an apology video
She'd always fight with people
I think she used to post singing videos too
People would constantly hype her up as a joke and call her 'beautiful' and such
She'd always post these absurd selfies where she'd try to look sexy
She speaks in really broken English which was really funny, people would post comments on her account mimicking her broken English
I remember people would make memes of her (and her broken English) and send them to her and she'd post them

She was definitely before her time as this was back in around 2014, I think she would be a bit more popular now if she was relevant.
This sounds lame and gross but I admire her (I would if it was a guy too for sure.) for carrying on and doing her thing, despite her issues. I respect her willingness to just live and do things. Say what you will but there're retarded people who don't have an excuse and who are sometimes too cowardly to put themselves out there.
 

Fuck!

Belligerent Faggot
fucking

h e l p

I talked to this person like once on an old homestuck website when I was about 13 or something, they were always incessant on VCing and were routinely creepy, at times pointing out things like my bra showing through my shirt.

Turns out I forgot to delete them as a friend years ago so guess who came into my inbox :)

1609539443582.png
1609539550950.png


1609539600119.png

LITERALLY COMPARING HAVING AUTISM TO BEING A BLACK GUY AT RISK OF BEING A SLAVE. You cannot make this up.

1609539725985.png

Slick Daddy Ben quote there
1609539883597.png

Now that's a shocker

They then proceed to tell me that their mom is a 'psychopath' which I don't buy for a second, and then I get this message- it's my favorite.
1609540065396.png

I do not know why they said this.

They then proceeded to start literally insulting me and I ended the convo there with a smooth "ok lol"
I don't plan to interact with them more but fuck man these screenshots were too good not to share.
 

im12_andwhatisthis?

warriorcats memes are elite
I didn’t realize I still had this dude from high school on my socials and he went off the fucking deep end some time in 2014. Posts endless pokemon go screenshots, shitty halo memes, and went from being jacked/fit to a 240lb slob. I’m pretty sure he either smoked himself or tripped himself to schizophrenia because he makes hour long videos on how he’s the reincarnation of Jesus, that he died in 2016, and that he’s actually a hermaphrodite. Can’t watch too much because he makes my skin crawl but it’s wild to compare who he was at 17 to who he is as an adult.
 

yasscat

yass.
True & Honest Fan
I didn’t realize I still had this dude from high school on my socials and he went off the fucking deep end some time in 2014. Posts endless pokemon go screenshots, shitty halo memes, and went from being jacked/fit to a 240lb slob. I’m pretty sure he either smoked himself or tripped himself to schizophrenia because he makes hour long videos on how he’s the reincarnation of Jesus, that he died in 2016, and that he’s actually a hermaphrodite. Can’t watch too much because he makes my skin crawl but it’s wild to compare who he was at 17 to who he is as an adult.
It's always so sad to see that. Especially if they were someone you were relatively friendly with.
I hope they get help.
 

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