Personal Lolcows -

Volthoom

The Emerald Knight
kiwifarms.net
Some other random information: He's 32 years old and lives with his mother. But unlike Chris, he's employed.

Okay so he's 10% less autistic

When I was in elementary school I encountered quite a few personal lolcows.

The first won was called Julian, He was a tiny kid probably first or second grade. Every day at recess he would crawl under a fence near the back of the school to quote "escape school". The adult supervisors or "duties" as we called them would usually tell him to knock it off. One day during recess I'm heading towards the playground with a few other kids from my class when we see Julian run buy us while being chased by two teachers. It was like an irl roadrunner and Whiley coyote cartoon. One of the teachers gets ahold of his arm, Julian manages to get his arm free and than preceded to punch the teacher in the face. The Principal (a 70 year old man) it's called out to try to help the two teachers drag the kid down to the office. The Principle tries to get a hold of the kid only to get punched in the balls. He loses his temper and tackles the kid like a quterback than drags him inside. I never saw Julian again and the principal got fired for tackling the kid.

The second one was an annoying little shit called Logan. I use to have a digital media course with him in highschool. He'd always get in trouble with the teachers for being disruptive and looking at his phone instead of paying attention to lessons. He frequently had. Bouts of tard rage. This one time we were learning how to use Photoshop and Logan somehow managed to crash the program he than preceded to smash his keyboard against the monitor while screaming fuck over and over again. The teacher got pissed and shouts at Logan "get the hell out of my class!!!" The funniest part was Logan had to pay for a replacement keyboard and monitor.
 

mario if smoke weed

I'm super duper, with a big tuper.
kiwifarms.net
Back in my high school days, there was this weird chick that was friends with a mutual friend of mine. She was obsessed as fuck with Undertale and pretended to be Chara, the sociopathic murder child. I remember she tried stabbing my arm with a pencil and acting all edgy like it was the funniest shit because she was a damn twig. (This was around a few months after Undertale came out btw.)
 

niqlo

kiwifarms.net
(I don't know if this is really the right thread for this, but it seemed the most fitting).

For a while (about 6 years or so) I was on a website called Quotev, which is very little known to most people outside it, and everywhere I've seen it mentioned outside the site, it's only known as a site to upload shitty fanfiction and quizzes relating to fandoms and such (honestly, I'm amazed by the lack of attention this website has recieved anywhere else online).

But the thing is, it's only presented as this, as people would use the site to take quizzes and read stuff without having an account, and the majority of people who actually made the quizzes/stories/etc used the site only (or mainly) for that purpose. Most people signed up to the site didn't actually use it for its seemingly intended purpose, as behind the stories and quizzes presented on the homepage was an entire social media website, akin to Facebook or myspace. Up until recently, the website used to look and feel really old-school, like a time capsule into the 2000s, retaining the simple, blocky style of older websites.

The userbase (also up until recently) was made up mostly of roleplayers, who utilized the (now removed iirc) "Groups" feature, which made it possible to create a group which was basically its own forum type thing, allowing you to create topics and subtopics, appoint others to "admin" roles allowing them to do certain stuff (what exactly I can't really remember) but basically this was used by roleplayers to create roleplay groups based on things such as Harry Potter, Twilight, Warrior Cats, and so on, as well as their own worlds and universes which often required a lot of worldbuilding and writing (at least the good ones). Basically there would be a "Rules" thread, usually something giving the basic lore and setting, a "Forms" thread with stuff to fill out about your character, and other topics and subtopics giving various locations where people would roleplay, interacting with other people in character.

These aren't a thing anymore, due to the removal of the search feature for groups - the way people would find these groups was through the search bar allowing you to search for groups you wanted. After this feature was removed, it was pretty much impossible to access groups for roleplay anymore, which pretty much killed the roleplay community on the site (which made up most of the userbase) and the site is pretty much dead now, rebranded with a more "modern" style and lacking groups entirely iirc. It's still around though, mainly inhabited by fanfic authors and Tumblr types. At its peak though, the site was massive, with some roleplay groups amassing members in the high hundreds, with fully written-out lore and stuff.

In the time I joined Quotev I followed the Warrior Cats fandom and was active in some popular roleplay communities. Warrior Cats itself is quite hard to describe, it's like a fantasy universe focusing on tribal groups of cats (here's a link to the wiki page for those unfamiliar) pretty much it lended itself well to the format of the roleplay groups, with warrior cat groups being some of the most popular on the site - the rank system of the "Clans" would make it easy for group admins to allocate roles to people, who would create their own original characters to roleplay as. The types of people active on these groups were... as you'd expect, I guess. There were a lot of young children as well as grown adults, a lot of furries and general aspies and weirdos. People would develop serious relationships and story arcs with their characters, and mostly it was very well-written (keep in mind, they are literal cats)

Anyway, some of these groups allowed roleplaying sex between characters (usually requiring the people involved to create a seperate thread to roleplay it on) and sometimes (if not, usually) it was kids doing this, and sometimes... yeah, adults roleplaying cat sex with children/teenagers. Fun stuff. Some of the characters involved in this were kits (kittens, or children - equivalent to infants/toddlers I guess) and apprentices (young cats in training by a veteran "mentor" to become "warriors" equivalent to teenagers, I suppose?? it's pretty weird).

One time, I encountered a group called "Matingclan" (the -clan suffix meaning a group/nation of cats in the Warrior Cat universe, with clans having various names - "ThunderClan", "WindClan" etc). This is exactly what it sounds like, a group focusing on a clan of cats, with an erotic, BDSM focus - in this group, when apprentices would become warriors, there was a ritual in which the apprentice (equivalent to a teenager) would be tied up, and in front of the rest of the Clan, the mentor would be forced to lick honey (or some kind of sweet liquid) off the apprentice's entire body, for them to become a Warrior.

Apprentices that failed their training would become sex slaves that the Clan members would be free to rape and stuff, and yes, Kits existed in this group and people would roleplay sex (and rape) with them. Many people in this group (if not most of them) were teenagers. It was really fucking weird.

So yeah, that's my story I guess. I don't really remember much else about the group but I encountered a lot of strange stuff in my time on that site. Honestly I don't know why it's recieved no attention from anywhere else on the internet and is/was such an obscure and unknown community with how large it was.
 
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Massively Strong Greed

Thanks for the money, dummy!
kiwifarms.net
(I don't know if this is really the right thread for this, but it seemed the most fitting).

For a while (about 6 years or so) I was on a website called Quotev, which is very little known to most people outside it, and everywhere I've seen it mentioned outside the site, it's only known as a site to upload shitty fanfiction and quizzes relating to fandoms and such (honestly, I'm amazed by the lack of attention this website has recieved anywhere else online).

But the thing is, it's only presented as this, as people would use the site to take quizzes and read stuff without having an account, and the majority of people who actually made the quizzes/stories/etc used the site only (or mainly) for that purpose. Most people signed up to the site didn't actually use it for its seemingly intended purpose, as behind the stories and quizzes presented on the homepage was an entire social media website, akin to Facebook or myspace. Up until recently, the website used to look and feel really old-school, like a time capsule into the 2000s, retaining the simple, blocky style of older websites.

The userbase (also up until recently) was made up mostly of roleplayers, who utilized the (now removed iirc) "Groups" feature, which made it possible to create a group which was basically its own forum type thing, allowing you to create topics and subtopics, appoint others to "admin" roles allowing them to do certain stuff (what exactly I can't really remember) but basically this was used by roleplayers to create roleplay groups based on things such as Harry Potter, Twilight, Warrior Cats, and so on, as well as their own worlds and universes which often required a lot of worldbuilding and writing (at least the good ones). Basically there would be a "Rules" thread, usually something giving the basic lore and setting, a "Forms" thread with stuff to fill out about your character, and other topics and subtopics giving various locations where people would roleplay, interacting with other people in character.

These aren't a thing anymore, due to the removal of the search feature for groups - the way people would find these groups was through the search bar allowing you to search for groups you wanted. After this feature was removed, it was pretty much impossible to access groups for roleplay anymore, which pretty much killed the roleplay community on the site (which made up most of the userbase) and the site is pretty much dead now, rebranded with a more "modern" style and lacking groups entirely iirc. It's still around though, mainly inhabited by fanfic authors and Tumblr types. At its peak though, the site was massive, with some roleplay groups amassing members in the high hundreds, with fully written-out lore and stuff.

In the time I joined Quotev I followed the Warrior Cats fandom and was active in some popular roleplay communities. Warrior Cats itself is quite hard to describe, it's like a fantasy universe focusing on tribal groups of cats (here's a link to the wiki page for those unfamiliar) pretty much it lended itself well to the format of the roleplay groups, with warrior cat groups being some of the most popular on the site - the rank system of the "Clans" would make it easy for group admins to allocate roles to people, who would create their own original characters to roleplay as. The types of people active on these groups were... as you'd expect, I guess. There were a lot of young children as well as grown adults, a lot of furries and general aspies and weirdos. People would develop serious relationships and story arcs with their characters, and mostly it was very well-written (keep in mind, they are literal cats)

Anyway, some of these groups allowed roleplaying sex between characters (usually requiring the people involved to create a seperate thread to roleplay it on) and sometimes (if not, usually) it was kids doing this, and sometimes... yeah, adults roleplaying cat sex with children/teenagers. Fun stuff. Some of the characters involved in this were kits (kittens, or children - equivalent to infants/toddlers I guess) and apprentices (young cats in training by a veteran "mentor" to become "warriors" equivalent to teenagers, I suppose?? it's pretty weird).

One time, I encountered a group called "Matingclan" (the -clan suffix meaning a group/nation of cats in the Warrior Cat universe, with clans having various names - "ThunderClan", "WindClan" etc). This is exactly what it sounds like, a group focusing on a clan of cats, with an erotic, BDSM focus - in this group, when apprentices would become warriors, there was a ritual in which the apprentice (equivalent to a teenager) would be tied up, and in front of the rest of the Clan, the mentor would be forced to lick honey (or some kind of sweet liquid) off the apprentice's entire body, for them to become a Warrior.

Apprentices that failed their training would become sex slaves that the Clan members would be free to rape and stuff, and yes, Kits existed in this group and people would roleplay sex (and rape) with them. Many people in this group (if not most of them) were teenagers. It was really fucking weird.

So yeah, that's my story I guess. I don't really remember much else about the group but I encountered a lot of strange stuff in my time on that site. Honestly I don't know why it's recieved no attention from anywhere else on the internet and is/was such an obscure and unknown community with how large it was.
Oh God, Quotev. Ariel, one of my personal lolcows, would frequent that site. And she was the creepiest of all my cows.
 

Fritos

Jonathan Yaniv and the Creature from the Pit
kiwifarms.net
The TTV Message Boards are a goldmine for 30+ year old autists who, like LEGO (which isn't the problem)- they follow and worship a small cult of people who are autistic enough in themselves. Eljay and Kahi are the two biggest- I'm pretty sure I've seen a post about Kahi, a notorious sex-pest on this forum before. The moderators of the site are even worse. The posts here can range from homeschooled-nonsense to downright insanity, as such in the Relationship Topic. I'm surprised this hasn't gotten more attention but it's a very obscure subject.
 

Col

kiwifarms.net
My dox of him is incomplete, but I will try to give as much information about him without giving my own away.
Jack is a homeless person who somehow manages to be one despite living in homes. In college at Texas Tech University in the dorms I had a roommate for a semester who was the weirdest person I had ever met. He owned nothing besides a blanket, clothes, and his medication. He constantly talked about dicks, sea monsters, racial superiority, not just with everyone who would listen but constantly to himself. Through his constant talking and drinking in the dorms I learned quite a few things about him:
His name is Jack.
He is a schizophrenic who managed to convince a bank to give him student loans during the Obama administration.
He thinks everyone is inferior to him and his sister.(Basically think the caricature the left gives the right, and make it about the purebred Aryan supremacy of just him and his sister, but not his parents for some reason)
His hobbies are masturbating and ranting to himself.

While living with him it was hell. But, all I have to offer you are these various recordings I did subtly without his knowledge to try to protect myself by having proof of his ravings to the university.








 

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YourUnclesDad

kiwifarms.net
My dox of him is incomplete, but I will try to give as much information about him without giving my own away.
Jack is a homeless person who somehow manages to be one despite living in homes. In college at Texas Tech University in the dorms I had a roommate for a semester who was the weirdest person I had ever met. He owned nothing besides a blanket, clothes, and his medication. He constantly talked about dicks, sea monsters, racial superiority, not just with everyone who would listen but constantly to himself. Through his constant talking and drinking in the dorms I learned quite a few things about him:
His name is Jack.
He is a schizophrenic who managed to convince a bank to give him student loans during the Obama administration.
He thinks everyone is inferior to him and his sister.(Basically think the caricature the left gives the right, and make it about the purebred Aryan supremacy of just him and his sister, but not his parents for some reason)
His hobbies are masturbating and ranting to himself.

While living with him it was hell. But, all I have to offer you are these various recordings I did subtly without his knowledge to try to protect myself by having proof of his ravings to the university.
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Good call on recording him. This kind of shit shouldn't ever be allowed. What kind of a retard let this guy move in there with other people? Give me a fucking break. I bet this was annoying as SHIT.

edit: you deserve some sort of reward for dealing with this

edit2: you probably should've just kept this in here lol
 
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Col

kiwifarms.net
Good call on recording him. This kind of shit shouldn't ever be allowed. What kind of a retard let this guy move in there with other people? Give me a fucking break. I bet this was annoying as SHIT.

edit: you deserve some sort of reward for dealing with this

edit2: you probably should've just kept this in here lol
I wrote the thread first mistakenly and was told to post it here.
 

Lyra Plushie

MY OCTOPOD LOINS
kiwifarms.net
"time to check up on squish"
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"cool" [logs off]
 

Gindisi

kiwifarms.net
So I make mods for the game Hearts of Iron IV - it's a WW2 strategy game, so it attracts lots of very special people. In July 2018, a guy named GeneralHelghast (He's named TheUndyingSoldier in all of the screenshots, he changed his name later.) joined a modding discord I was in, and posted about his mod, Darwinreich. He's a catholic who is obsessed with Charles Darwin for some reason, so the premise of the mod is that the protestant reformation was much smaller, so now (mod starts in 1934) Germany is lead by catholic darwinist nazis.

GeneralHelghast didn't know how to make mods and he didn't want to learn, so he kept posting about it on reddit and discord to try to recruit people to make his mod for him. He ended up making anyone who asked an admin on his discord server, which lead to everything getting deleted several times. After a few days of him doing no work, the modders he recruited tried to force him to learn to code so they wouldn't be the ones doing all the work for him. He refused, so they quit, and Darwinreich died.

I made my own Darwinreich discord as a joke, Helghast joined and accused me of stealing his idea, but since his Darwinreich was dying he eventually ended up joining. I never took the mod seriously, but Helghast did and he thought I did as well. I and others in the discord started to fuck with him for entertainment.
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At first this didn't bother him too much, but it would be referenced again and again
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The main way people would troll him is by getting me to add things he didn't approve of to the lore. Including:
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burak1.png
burak2.png

The poll about including Burak al-Cosbi and Pope Stalin in the mod was successful, which lead to Helghast quitting permanently (he had quit several times before, but he always came back.)

breakdown1.png
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Even though it's been two years, he is still obsessed with me and will get into arguments about me and Bill Cosby in other mod servers fairly often.


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burak_al_cosbi.png
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Let me know if I fucked up the formatting, this is the first time I've posted here.

He also posts cavegirl fetish shit on his DeviantArt
 

TraitorousDave

kiwifarms.net
I'm debating whether or not to stick a thread in Prospering Grounds on this absolute specimen.

The short version, he's a YouTuber turned businessman (con artist) with a bunch of lackeys who play a shit train simulator game and have a habit of bullying and harassing people who disagree with them. One of his most notable escapades was photoshopping a member of this community (of legal age) into uncensored gay porn and posting it on a Twitch Stream which he knows is watched by little kids. He tried to justify it as "comedy" and a "laugh". There are also rumours that a second photoshopped image was posted in the livestream of someone who was underaged but that VOD has since been yeeted off of the internet.

Incident in question.

I'm currently in the process of trying archive all of the slapfights this loser has had on the internet but other notable events include:
  1. A mass data breach because one of his retard 'staff' confused CC and BCC in Microsoft Outlook.
  2. Sitting on livestream saying his haters should 'die of COVID-19'
  3. Demanding that someone take a phone into a hospital ICU so he could 'talk' to someone who was badmouthing him. The person in question was in the ICU fighting a life threatening illness.
 
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yasscat

yass.
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I'm debating whether or not to stick a thread in Prospering Grounds on this absolute specimen.

The short version, he's a YouTuber turned businessman (con artist) with a bunch of lackeys who play a shit train simulator game and have a habit of bullying and harassing people who disagree with them. One of his most notable escapades was photoshopping a member of this community (of legal age) into uncensored gay porn and posting it on a Twitch Stream which he knows is watched by little kids. He tried to justify it as "comedy" and a "laugh". There are also rumours that a second photoshopped image was posted in the livestream of someone who was underaged but that VOD has since been yeeted off of the internet.

Incident in question.

I'm currently in the process of trying archive all of the slapfights this loser has had on the internet but other notable events include:
  1. A mass data breach because one of his retard 'staff' confused CC and BCC in Microsoft Outlook.
  2. Sitting on livestream saying his haters should 'die of COVID-19'
  3. Demanding that someone take a phone into a hospital ICU so he could 'talk' to someone who was badmouthing him. The person in question was in the ICU fighting a life threatening illness.
d o i t
 

Leafy Path

the entire vocaloid fandom
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
got two that i'm kind of passively keeping tabs on right now. one is a girl i'm in a discord server with who calls herself trans nonbinary and constantly brings up her status as a latina to claim oppression points, even though her family is obviously upper middle class because she attends a new york art college despite her work barely qualifying as a bunch of scribbles (see attached file).

the other pet cow is also a self-professed tranny who wants to get hrt even though she doesn't have any real dysphoria. yeah. she has almost zero personality outside of her laundry list of fetishes (BUT SHE'S TOTALLY ASEXUAL YOU GUYS!!!) and mental illnesses, and is currently obsessed with jefrey combs to where even her equally degenerate girlfriend has more or less told her that it's gotten a bit much. at one point the cow told me that her girlfriend has given her permission to, if it ever happened somehow, fuck combs, before going off on a tangent about a horror movie idea she had wherein a (male) c-list actor gets lured into a sexual relationship with a (female) fan that slowly gets more and more unhinged until the fan eventually kills him off. it's all obviously a big grotesque fantasy that she was projecting herself into and at that point it took everything i had to not audibly say "what the fuck is your problem?" during the call.
 

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A Nobody

kiwifarms.net
There was this person I met years ago. I’ll call him “G”.

G was the biggest walking stereotype of a SJW you can think of. He was “conscious about the struggles of minorities” to the point of being annoying, he claimed to be “gender-fluid”, (whatever the fuck that means), and even his looks gave it away, dyed hair and everything.

For a while, I was the only one of our friend group who disliked this guy, so I was forced to put up with him in more than a few occasions. He once got mad at me for not wanting to go to the LGBT pride parade. (I’m not even in the community). In front of the others, he would accuse me of being a misogynist for not believing in every ridiculous third-wave feminism talking point he agreed with, and more stuff you can imagine.

Eventually, I had enough and told everyone that I refused to meet it G was present. However, some people of the group pressured me into meeting him one more time to see if we could finally settle our differences, and I eventually conceded. That last encounter went okay-ish for the first half an hour or so, and then he just… ran away from us in the middle of the street for no apparent reason.

Thankfully, after that event, I never had to see him again, and at the end I didn’t lose any real friends because of that, which I was a bit scared of.

Over the years, I have learned about more stuff this guy has done. Right now, he is no longer talking with any of the people we had in common at the time. And it isn’t because he has gradually lost contact with them, like what happens to many sane people. He:

-Started being insufferable to other people, as he was with me previously.

-Started talking shit about another friend behind his back, out of nowhere.

-Tried to convince a girl to leave his boyfriend because “he was abusive”. (He wasn’t, and this couple is still together)

So yeah, eventually everyone just wanted to stay the fuck away from G, and I would not be suprised if I discovered that he has no actual friends at this point.

Oh, and he is apparently on drugs now.
 
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Octane

Sata andagi...
kiwifarms.net
I used to have a kid with severe ADHD in some of my classes throughout middle & high school. He basically called everyone gay and screamed fuck shit nigger bitch every time he could. He never took meds.
 

V13w_Of_Delft

kiwifarms.net
I had a friend for many many years. We met in the 5th grade. He was always kind of weird, but as the decades passed, he got worse. I'll just refer to him as J.

After years of not talking to or visiting this friend, I finally hung out with him again. I quickly realized that he became one of those people who believes he can activate his pineal gland or some crap like that. Also, he claimed to be a Viking descendant, specifically a descendent of the berserkers. J owned a gun, and used to talk a lot about wanting to shoot his ex in the head. Honestly, I should probably have made a report or something, but he never went through with the threat. J claimed to despise pedophiles, but at one point made a comment about a prepubescent girl next door, saying she was hot (he was in his late twenties). In my mind, he was abusive towards his son. J would slap his son for minor things, like putting a tool in the wrong place, and at one point he bragged to everyone at work (we were coworkers at one point) about how he grabbed his kid by the throat and shoved him against the wall to prove that he was the authority figure. J would tell his son that he could snap his neck if he wanted to, and J said he wanted his son to fear and respect his dominance. J is about 5'4", as I myself am just 5'2", and he was only a tiny bit taller than me. Btw, his son was about 7 or 8 years old at the time.

J was one of those people you could never talk to about good news in your own life. I once told him that I was happy because I was finally able to buy my family some Christmas presents, and he tried to make me feel like crap about it while simultaneously throwing a pity party for himself. He said something about how I have it easier than him, and he couldn't even afford to buy his son a heated blanket. Never mind the fact that J spent a lot of money on buying a dog, right before Christmas...so technically, it was his own fault. He bought the dog to impress a girl he was trying to sleep with, because she was a dog trainer. She never slept with him, and he soon got rid of the dog. When J still owned the dog, he would order it to sit, and when it didn't obey, he would slap it.

When I used to hang out with J, he would always interrupt me or other people, and he would always go on long, unrelated tangents and never get back to the original topic. His beliefs seemed to change on a whim, and it depended on who he was around or if he just wanted to contradict people for the sake of contradicting and nothing else. Never because he actually believed what he said. A lot of his arguments had no factual basis, or he would misconstrue facts and make false comparisons. I never understood what his political beliefs were, because they changed so often. He enjoys insulting all of his friends, but whenever someone talks back, he throws a tantrum.

Example: We were all sitting in the cafeteria for break, and he was just being obnoxious towards me, so I told him I didn't appreciate it. His reaction? J stands up, says "Well, fuck you!" and slams his chair into the table. Everyone saw and heard him, including our bosses who were sitting at a nearby table, and coworkers were asking me what happened afterwards.

J was one of those individuals who would post edgy Viking images on Facebook with those hardcore captions at the bottom. He told everyone he wanted to create his own cult and religion, and before that, he said he was going to run for a political position. The thing is, not many people like him, honestly. People at his work hate him, and the rest just tolerate his existence because they have to.

Another thing to note is that when J had his grandparents living with him, he charged them rent, even though one of them was on oxygen. Then he created a GoFundMe campaign for her. J kicked a friend out and never talked to them again because they "made him look like a bad grandson" in front of his grandparents.

Suffice it to say, we aren't friends anymore. Not for a very long time, and never will be again. Sorry this shit is so long.. I'm not good at organizing my thoughts. Just thought I'd share.
 

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