Lolcow Peter Guerin / Docforbin - Columbine Shooting and Daria Fanboy, Thinks Trolling is Worse than Actual Murder


True & Honest Fan

Someone who possibly deserves his own thread. He is a crazed autist who has expressed sympathy for school shooters.

View attachment 39556

But more interestingly, he is one of the most autistic of Daria fanfic writers, even having his own TVTropes page on his incredibly autistic fanfiction involving a bullied self-insert who ends up fucking Daria. Note, this written by a dude in his 30s at the time.

He also responds badly to criticism on his article on the DariaWiki, which he wrote himself and is full of his dox.

So basically, full exceptional individual here.

so here we are. docforbin (peter guerin) the champion of the bullied, the whitest knight has thrown his hat into christory. and what have we learned from chris's fanbase? lots of weirdos.

do you want a crazy blog where he posts his crazy person letters to people in authority?
credit: @Abilene

extra points for the truly retarded poetry
A poem of hope for those who have suffered at the hands of bullies
I wrote this poem last night and I want to share it with you all.

"Triumph of the Bullied"

(Suggested background music--"Fanfare for the Common Man" by Aaron Copland:

They may bruise you with their fists
They may break your bones
They may smash your face in against the wall
They may shove your face into the dirt
They may kick you in the crotch
They may shove you into your locker
They may scream obscenities in your face
They may call you derogatory names
They may steal your money and goods
They may steal that special someone you love
They may treat you like a savage animal
They may stab you
They may shoot you
They may even kill you
But they will only win if they rob you of your humanity
They will only win if they rob you of your self-esteem
They will only win if they rob you of your dreams
They will only win if they convince you that you're a nobody
They will only win if they convince you that you'll never amount to anything
They will only win if they convince you that nobody cares about you
They will only win if you let them
They will not win as long as you still can raise a fist in defiance against them
They will not win as long as your spirit is not broken
They will not win as long as you have your dreams
They will not win as long as you have breath enough to say:
"I am not an animal! I am a human being! I am a man!"
So raise a fist in defiance and say:
"You will not deprive me of my rights!"
"You will not deprive me of my dignity!"
"You will not shove my face into the dirt!"
"You will not trip me in the hallway!"
"You will not pick on me and push me around!"
Fortune favors the bold; do not let them win!
God's justice shall be done; do not let them win!
Right shall triumph in the end; do not let them win!
Stand up in defiance and say "I WILL NOT LET YOU WIN!"

do you want a creepy obsession with his "angel in black" disgustingly younger goth twitter crush?

how bout some autistic fanfiction?

how bout some author biographies?

oh wait tvtropes!

here is his daria wiki sperging archived:
(peter no stop posting too much personal info!!!)

okay and finally his facebook:
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Going to beat the record of the Robert E. Lee
Now there's a thread for this man?! Now?!

He's had some immortality in the world of fanfiction based on cartoons from MTV, with his stuff generally considered awful at its worst. (Simply read the sex scene between Daria and his autistic stand-in, and maybe you'll see...)

AP 297

wow , so he decides to publicly send letters on Chris-chan's behalf and post them on his facebook page. The Chris-chan who is still has one of the most rabid cult followings on earth and not in a good way. He does this to write a letter that the judge will likely just ignore, because Chris's crime is a low-mid level misdemeanor anyway.

Peter is just more salt for the Dead Sea that is Christian(Christine) Weston Chandler's life. Now we get to learn everything about him while his noble deed is simply a fruitless vanity ploy that makes him a person of interest to a number of very very aggressive people.

The lesson: If you are going to white knight Chris - do it in secret or not at all.
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YI 457

Some of his fb videos. His calls his cat Laptop. God knows why.


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there ain't no turning back
True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff


Highly Caffeinated
Christorical Figure
some more creepiness in video form!

Poor kitteh, he looks terrified.

This is the thread I wanted to start, but was too lazy.


This dumbass was beat up as a kid, and apparently learned nothing from it and is still a complete fucking idiot.

I said it before, this guy is desperate for attention. Why else would he post so much of his personal information where it's so easily available online? The guy is weird and creepy as fuck, but he doesn't appear to be completely retarded. This may be a calculated ploy. He wants to be attacked in order to validate his victim/persecution complex. Like Chris, he's painted a target on his back.

I expect to see something on his Facebook page later on about how the mean old trolls at the Kiwi Farms are mocking him (which he'll hold up as proof of his being bullied/oppressed/persecuted by trolls/cyberbullies).
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there ain't no turning back
True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff
I said it before, this guy is desperate for attention. Why else would he post so much of his personal information where it's so easily available online? The guy is weird and creepy as fuck, but he doesn't appear to be completely retarded.

Did you even look at his picture? He's completely retarded.


He might as well have RETARD tattooed to his forehead.


True & Honest Fan

A Daria/Sanford and Son Crossover Story
By Peter Guerin

With apologies to Norman Lear, Bud Yorkin, Glenn Eichler & Susie Lewis Lynn.


None of this ever happened. All events depicted in this story are fictitious. As for
continuity, this takes
place after "The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle".

For those of you who are not familiar with "Sanford and Son", I'll give a brief introduction.
"Sanford and
Son" was a hit comedy series that ran on NBC from 1972 to 1977; Friday night, when it
aired, was called
"Death Valley" because it was such a ratings hit. The show was based on a British comedy
series called
"Steptoe and Son" (which was quite a common practice for some American comedies in
the 1970's and
1980's; "All in the Family" was based on "Unto Death Do Us Part"; "Three's Company"
was based on
"Man Around the House"; "Too Close for Comfort" was based on "Keep it in the Family",
etc.; rumor has
it that Roseanne Barr has the development rights for an American adaptation of "Absolutely
which aired here on Comedy Central). It starred legendary comedian Redd Foxx as Fred
G. Sanford and
Demond Wilson as his son, Lamont Sanford (Wilson is now an ordained minister; his last
acting role was
in playing the role of Oscar Madison in "The New Odd Couple"); they ran their own
salvage operation in
the infamous South Central area of Los Angeles' Watts neighborhood.

Fred was always trying to carry out his harebrained schemes to make money, much to the
chagrin of
Lamont. Whenever Fred wasn't getting his way, or when he saw something that was
shocking, he'd have
one of his fake heart attacks, clutching his right hand over his heart, shooting out his left arm
invoking the spirit of his late wife, Elizabeth ("Did you hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to
join you!").
Ironically, when Foxx died in 1991, it was from a heart attack on the set of the series "The
Royal Family";
in a macabre twist, everyone at first thought he was doing the old Fred Sanford fake heart
attack schtick!
Later on in the series, Fred acquired an apartment complex that he named Sanford Arms,
which became a
basis for a spin-off series of the same name after the first series ended.

There are a few other characters of note on the show, the most important being Fred's
sister-in-law Esther
Anderson (played by LaWanda Page), who became a born-again Baptist and keeps
calling Fred a
"heathen"; Officer Hopkins, a cop who regularly stops by the salvage store and Grady, a
friend of Fred's.
The show's theme song, "The Streetbeater", was written by legendary producer Quincy
Jones, who later
went to produce Michael Jackson's record-breaking best-selling album "Thriller". The
song is kind of
funky, with funky-sounding horns, harmonica, and organ riffs

"Sanford and Son" can be seen Monday through Friday nights at 9:00 PM Eastern, 6:00
PM Pacific on
Nick at Nite TV Land as well as Sunday nights at 6:30 PM Eastern, 3:30 PM Pacific. If
you've got TV
Land (our cheapskate cable company, Harron Communications, just added it to our
system), check it out.
It's damn funny!

All "Sanford and Son" characters are (C) 1972-1977 Tandem Productions; copyright
renewed 1998
Columbia/Tri-Star Television Distribution; A Sony Pictures Entertainment Company. All
characters are (C) 1993, 1997, 1998 MTV Networks. All Hogan's Heroes characters
depicted are (C)
1965-1971 Bing Crosby Productions; copyright renewed 1998 Paramount Pictures
Corporation, a Viacom
International company. All Rights Reserved. All other characters depicted are my

One more note: this is my first stab at writing a script-style fanfic. If I seem a bit wordy in
the details,
please forgive me.


(The usual "Daria" opening sequence rolls, with Splendora's "You're Standing on My
Neck" playing.
Scenes of Daria remaining stoic while everyone laughs at a theater, some members of the
Fashion Club
colliding during a volleyball game in gym class while Daria stands idly by, Daria blowing a
whistle to get
Kevin and Brittany out of the way of her locker, Daria not cheering at a football game,
Daria reading a
newspaper at a wedding, then her smiling face zooms up to form the show's logo, below
which is the title
"'Daria' in 'One Man's Trash. . .'")

(Cut to the opening sequence for "Sanford and Son". Quincy Jones's "The Streetbeater"
plays. The sign
at the front of the building is shown, then the camera pulls away to see Fred Sanford setting
some junk out
in front. Lamont then is seen driving a vintage late 1940's to early 1950's Ford pick-up
truck down South
Central, then pulls up in front of the shop.)

Scene 1: The Hard Rock Cafe in New York City, Midnight.

(A black van pulls up to the service entrance. Three thieves, dressed entirely in black, get
out. One of
them goes to the electric meter and gets out a pair of pliers.)

Thief # 1: Once I've killed the power to the place, we should get in there pretty easily.

Thief # 2: OK, OK, so cut the chatter and do it already!

(Thief # 1 takes the pliers and cuts the wires from the meter to the building. Thief # 3 then
kicks in the
service entrance. They go in and go to a display case. A guitar, once owned by Kurt
Cobain, is in it.
Thief # 1 takes a crowbar and smashes the glass. He takes the guitar and he and the other
two thieves
dash out of the building, get in the van, and speed off. An NYPD car then drives by.)

NYPD Cop # 1: Hey, look at that! Someone just broke into the Hard Rock Cafe!

NYPD Cop # 2: Better call for back-up and check the place out! Who knows if there's
been anything

NYPD Cop # 1: (on radio) This is car 746. There's been a robbery at the Hard Rock
Cafe. Need back-

(The two cops now get out and enter the restaurant. They notice that the display case is
broken and the
guitar is missing.)

NYPD Cop # 2: Holy cats! That guitar that Courtney Love lent to this place is gone! It
was one of Kurt
Cobain's favorite guitars!

NYPD Cop # 1: This doesn't look good!

Scene 2: The living room of the Morgendorffer residence, Lawndale, the next day.

(Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane are watching "Sick Sad World" on TV. A reporter
at the anchor
desk reads the lead-off story.)

Reporter: We lead off this edition of "Sick Sad World" with a shocking report from New
York City.
Thieves have broken into the Hard Rock Cafe there and stolen a guitar that once was
played by Nirvana
lead singer Kurt Cobain. The guitar had been lent to the restaurant by Cobain's widow
Courtney Love,
lead singer and guitarist of her own band Hole. NYPD officials said they have no leads as
to who would
have done this or to a possible motive.

Daria: Well, that was pretty dumb on their part, Jane.

Jane: How so, Daria?

Daria: With Cobain's popularity, someone trying to hock that guitar will be caught at the
first pawn shop
he'd go to.

Jane: The only question is: Who'd be dumb enough to want to buy it?

Scene 3: The thieves' hideout in Hackensack, New Jersey.

(The opening bars of "The Ghost of Tom Joad" from Rage Against the Machine can be
heard. A sign on
the roadway says "Welcome to Hackensack". Cut to the hideout, where the thieves are
arguing with
themselves. Thief # 1 is black; Thief # 2 is white with blond hair, while Thief # 3 is

Thief # 3: Now that we've got this guitar, what are we going to do with it?

Thief # 1: Get money for it, that's what!

Thief # 2: You know the moment we set foot in a pawn shop with that, the heat will be all
over us!

Thief # 1: Don't worry, I've got a plan.

Thief # 2: You do?

Thief # 1: (Sarcastically) Yes, I do! My nephew in Los Angeles knows of this
second-hand salvage place
in South Central. The guy who owns it is a scatterbrain; we can pull a fast one on him.
He'll never know
that we're fencing the guitar to him.

Thief # 3: You'd better be on the level about this!

Thief # 1: Trust me on this, OK?

Thief # 2: That's what you said the last time; then we got caught trying to heist all the gold
from Fort

Thief # 1: Yeah, but our lawyer, Murray the Mouthpiece, got us off on a technicality. Or
don't you
remember that?

Thief # 3: Well, I won't rest easy until we've crossed the border into Mexico with the cash.

Thief # 1: I promise, nothing won't go wrong this time.

Thieves #'s 2 & 3: YEAH, RIGHT!

Scene 4: Sanford and Son Salvage, Watts neighborhood of Los Angeles.

(The opening bars from "Walking on the Sun" from Smashmouth can be heard. Fred
Sanford is seen
coming downstairs to his living room, which doubles as his customer area. He turns on the
TV and
watches "The Today Show". Chris Jansing is giving the news summary.)

Jansing: Police in New York City are baffled over the theft of a guitar once owned by
legendary Nirvana
lead singer Kurt Cobain from the display case it was being stored in at the Hard Rock
Cafe in Manhattan.
The power was cut to the building by the thief or thieves, who then stole the guitar. Police
then just
happened to drive by on routine patrol some time after the theft and investigated. So far,
no leads at to
who did this and why.

Fred: Who'd want a guitar from that dummy anyway? He'd blowed his brains out!

(Lamont steps in from outside.)

Lamont: Hey, Pop! Good morning!

Fred: Good morning, son. How's things?

Lamont: (Unfolding a copy of the Los Angeles Times that he got) Did you hear about
this? It's about a
theft in Manhattan involving a guitar once owned by Kurt Cobain.

(He shows the article to Fred.)

Fred: I just saw that on TV, dummy! That Cobain fool was a dummy for shooting himself!

Lamont: Pop, Kurt Cobain was an idol to many young people who though he was
speaking out for them.

(Esther strolls in, clasping a Bible in one hand.)

Esther: Well, he got what he deserved for playing the Devil's music! Amen to that!

(She slaps herself on the knee for emphasis.)

Lamont: Aunt Esther, aren't you being a bit judgmental about him? He had a very troubled

Esther: Well, it didn't help matters when that heathen got hooked on heroin!

Fred: He wasn't no heathen, he was just a dummy who blowed his brains out!

Esther: Who asked you, heathen?

Lamont: Pop, Aunt Esther, can't you two get along?

Fred: That'll be the same day the Chicago Cubs win the World Series, dummy!

Jansing (on the TV): Finally, the Chicago Cubs are closing in on clinching the NL Central
after they
swept an important three game series against the Houston Astros. The odds look good for
them to win
their first World Series in ninety years.

(Suddenly, Fred clutches his right hand over his heart, and shoots out his left arm out in the

Fred: (Looking up at the ceiling) Did you hear that, Elizabeth? The Cubs are going to win
the World
Series this year! Now I'll have to get along with Esther! I'm coming to join you,
Elizabeth! I'm coming
to join you!

(Lamont looks on in disgust.)

Esther: The only place you're going when you get yours, heathen, is some place very hot!

Fred: (Continuing his fake heart attack) Did you hear that, Elizabeth! I'm going to Miami!

Lamont: Come on, you two! Knock it off!

Esther: Well, I'd better be on my way. So long, Lamont! (To Fred.) So long, you

(She leaves. Fred stops his fake heart attack.)

Fred: Thank God she's gone!

Lamont: Pop, you've got to put a bit more effort in getting along with her! She's my aunt
as well as your
sister-in-law. Remember, you can't choose your relatives.

Fred: That may be true, dummy, but you can choose which ones you can leave out of your

(They continue to argue.)

Scene 5: Lane residence, 111 Howard Drive, Lawndale.

(Trent Lane, Jane's sister, and his friend, Jesse Moreno, both members of the rock band
Mystik Spiral, are
practicing in the basement. Jane and Daria enter with the mail.)

Daria: Must those two practice at such a loud level?

Jane: We're used to it.

(Trent and Jesse stop.)

Trent: What's up, Janey?

Jane: You've got a letter from Jesse's cousin, Chris Crash.

Trent: You mean from Chris Crash and the Failed Airbag Commandos?

Jane: Yeah, the one.

Jesse: Hey, how's he doing these days?

Jane: He says that he would like to have you as an opening act in his upcoming concert at
the Viper

Trent: Wow, the Viper Room. Cool.

Daria: I don't know, Trent; that's the place where River Phoenix died from an overdose.

Trent: C'mon, Daria, that was a long time ago.

Jane: Yeah, I'm pretty sure they removed the tape outline where his body fell by now.

Jesse: Besides, I don't get to see my cousin too much.

Daria: I guess that means we'll have to ride in the "Tank" again?

Jane: Nope. Chris enclosed first class tickets. The gig's for this Saturday, and the flight's
for this Friday

Trent: That won't give us much time.

Jane: For practice?

Trent: No, for a good pre-concert sleep. I can't function unless I get a good sleep before
a concert.

Daria: When would we be back by?

Jane: The tickets say that we return on Sunday evening.

Daria: Good. (Speaking sarcastically.) I'd hate to miss school.

Jane: Just like you'd miss a hole in your head.

Daria: I'll just have to see if Mom and Dad say it's all right.

Scene 6: The dining room of the Morgendorffer residence.

(The opening guitar riffs from "Ty Cobb" from Soundgarden can be heard. Daria, her
mother Helen, her
father Jake and her sister Quinn are sitting around the table.)

Helen: Daria! You want to go on another trip already! You just got back from Japan
after all that mess
with the Neo-Zero affair!

Daria: It's just going to be to Los Angeles and only for the weekend. Besides, nothing can
between Trent and I with Jane and Jesse along.

Jake: We're not worried about that, Daria! It's just that it's so soon after you returned
from Tokyo, that's

Quinn: How come I don't get to travel by myself or my friends?

Daria: Hey, Miss Keg Queen, do I have to remind you of when you were named that
when we visited
Mom and Dad's alma mater?

Quinn: Don't remind me!

Helen: Well, if it'll only be to Los Angeles and only for the weekend, then I don't see a
problem in that,
do you, Jake?

Jake: Well. . .

Helen: Back me up on this one, Jake, or die!

Jake: Yes, dear!

Daria: I'll pack up my things and you can pick me up at school and drive me down to the
airport on
Friday then.

Helen: Of course, dear!

Quinn: How come I don't get to do cool stuff like that!

Daria: Maybe I'd ought to tell Mom and Dad about those pills you've been taking, the
ones you said were
to relieve migraine headaches. . .

Quinn: OOPS! I forgot! I've got to go to a meeting of the Fashion Club! Bye!

(She dashes out of the room.)

Helen: What pills, Daria? You don't mean THOSE pills!

Daria: That's for me to know and for you to find out!

(The "La, la, la, la, la" refrain from "You're Standing on My Neck" plays while a replay of
Fred's fake
heart attack in slo-motion and all in a blue tint is shown, with the "Daria" logo
superimposed over it.)

(OK, OK, I swiped that one from "Police Squad!" So sue me!)

Scene 1: Lawndale International Airport, near Gate 12 for United Airlines Flight 347 to
Los Angeles.

(Daria, Jane, Trent, Jesse, bassist Nicholas Campbell, drummer Max Tyler, Jake, Helen,
Darren and
Amanda Lane and Quinn are standing near the gate.)

Helen: Now, Daria, please be careful out there in Los Angeles.

Daria: Mom, if anyone tries to mug me or try to harm me, I'll kick them in the crotch.

Jake: That's my girl!

Helen: Jake, keep your opinions to yourself!

Jake: Yes, Dear!

Quinn: I wish I was going with you, Daria!

Daria: Why, so you can go to Beverly Hills and ogle at all the expensive fashions you can't
even afford?

Quinn: That's none of your business, Daria!

Amanda: If you go to Death Valley, find my old friend Jeff Crow Foot; he helps me
meditate when I go
on vacation there.

Jane: Sure, Mom!

Airport PA Announcer: United Flight 347 to Los Angeles is now boarding!

Darren: You guys better hop your plane now.

Helen: Have a nice time, everyone!

Daria: Bye, everyone!

(Daria, Jane, Trent, Jesse, Nicholas and Max head down the gate.)

Quinn: HMPH! Daria gets to do all the fun stuff!

Helen: Come on, Quinn! Someday we'll take you to Beverly Hills and you can get
anything you want on
Rodeo Drive!

Quinn: Thanks, Mom!

Jake: Helen, do you know how much expensive those stores are?

Helen: Jake, don't spoil the moment!

Jake: Yes, Dear!

(Shot of a McDonnell-Douglas DC-10 taking off and flying. The opening bars of
"Firestarter" from
Prodigy can be heard.)

Scene 2: On board the plane.

(Daria and Trent are sitting next to each other, with Jane and Jesse behind them, and
Nicholas and Max
across the aisle. A flight attendant approaches with the beverage cart.)

Flight Attendant: Coffee, tea, or milk, Sir?

Trent: I guess I'll have a milk, thanks.

Flight Attendant: And what about you, Ma'am?

Daria: (Sarcastically) A stiff shot of whiskey would do me fine.

Flight Attendant: (Gasping) Young lady, you look a bit young to have alcohol! Besides, we
don't serve
that until later!

Jane: Whatever she's having, I'm having!

Flight Attendant: Well, I never! (She hands Trent his milk. Then she sneers the following.)
Have a nice

Daria: Damn, and I was hoping to get away with it!

Trent: You weren't serious about having that whiskey, were you?

Daria: (with an evil grin on her face) Maybe yes, maybe no!

Jane: (To Daria) Hey, aren't you excited about visiting Los Angeles?

Daria: Why would anyone risk their lives in going to an area that's smogged up all the time
and has
devastating earthquakes is beyond me. That place is so depressing.

Jane: Then you'll love it.

Daria: Jane, I'm not that depressed.

Jane: Suit yourself.

(The plane is seen touching down in Los Angeles.)

Scene 3: Los Angeles International Airport, Baggage Area.

(The opening bars of "Spark" from Tori Amos can be heard. Daria, Jane, Trent, Jesse,
Nicholas and Max
arrive to claim their baggage. It comes down the conveyor belt.)

Daria: Welcome to Hell, otherwise known as Los Angeles.

Trent: Well, we'd better hail a taxi and check into some motel.

Jane: Who's going to stay in what room?

Daria: Maybe you and Jesse can stay in one room. . .

(Jane blushes in embarrassment.)

Jane: Uh, we'll figure it out when we get there!

(They grab their baggage and go. Suddenly, they see a chauffeur holding a card that says
SPIRAL" on it.)

Chauffeur: Are you with Mystik Spiral, and are those your groupies?

Trent: I hate to burst your bubble, Sir, but one of those "groupies" is my sister; the other's
my girlfriend.

Chauffeur: Suit yourself, Sir. I will take you to your hotel rooms.

Daria: Jesse's cousin's thought of everything, hasn't he?

Trent: When you're a big hit in LA, you can afford the good life.

(They follow the chauffeur. The three thieves now appear and claim the trunk that has the
stolen guitar.)

Thief # 1: Now, we'll head for Sanford and Son Salvage and cash in on our take!

Thief # 3: We'd better get a load of bread for this, man!

Thief # 1: We will, trust me.

Scene 4: A room at the Los Angeles Hilton.

(The opening bars of "Wynonna's Big Brown Beaver" from Primus can be heard. Daria
and Trent are
unpacking. Trent opens the case for his guitar and his face changes expression.)

Trent: DAMMIT!

Daria: What's the matter, Trent?

Trent: My guitar got broken on the flight. The neck snapped in half. I've had this since I
was fourteen.

Daria: What are we going to do now?

Trent: I'll see if I can find a used one at a second-hand store or something like that.

Daria: And the concert's going to be tomorrow. You won't have much time.

Trent: I'll find a way; I always do.

(Suddenly, screams can be heard below in the pool area. Everyone scatters. Daria and
Trent race to the
window, open it, and look outside.)

Trent: What's going on?

Daria: Who knows?

(Suddenly, they see Jane, nude, emerge from the pool.)

Jane: (Yelling out to everyone), Hey, come on, everyone! Haven't you ever seen anyone
skinny-dipping in
your life?

(Daria can't help but laugh. Trent begins to laugh himself.)

Trent: That's my Janey! Always raising Hell wherever she goes!


Scene 5: Sanford and Son Salvage. Later that evening.

(The drumroll intro and opening horn section of the "Theme from Hogan's Heroes" can be
heard. The
three thieves enter the living room, carrying the guitar in its case. Fred and his friend Grady
are watching
"Hogan's Heroes" on TV.)

Col. Klink: (on the TV) Hogan, you're making my life here very difficult!

Col. Hogan: Things could be worse, Klink.

Col. Klink: How so?

Col. Hogan: They could transfer you to the Russian front.

Col. Klink: You do have a point there.

(Canned laughter erupts from the TV.)

Fred: That dummy Klink wouldn't know about those guys smuggling a freight train even if
it happened
under his nose!

Thief # 1: AHEM!

Grady: Fred, I think these gentlemen want to conduct some business with you.

Fred: (Looking up) Oh, I didn't recognize you fellas! Welcome! What can I do for you?

Thief # 1: We're interested in selling a guitar I haven't had a need for anymore.

Fred: OK, let's see what you got.

(Thief # 1 opens the case and reveals the guitar.)

Thief # 1: I was hoping to become a rock star, but I never got the hang of it. It's been
slightly used and is
still in excellent shape.

(Fred looks over the guitar.)

Fred: Well, I could offer you $300 for it.

Thief # 1: I was more interested in $2000.

Fred: OK, how about $500?

Thief # 1: $1500.

Fred: $1000?

Thief # 1: Deal!

Fred: If you excuse me, gentlemen, I'll get your money.

(He goes to a nearby table, hits it a few times, and a drawer on the side shoots out. He
takes out the
money from it.)

Thief # 3: One thousand dollars for that guitar? Are you nuts?

Thief # 1: Just be lucky we're making any money at this at all!

(Fred counts the money and hands it to Thief # 1.)

Fred: Here you go, $1000 cash.

Thief # 1: Thank you, Sir!

Fred: Thank you for doing business with Sanford and Son Salvage, and come again.

Grady: Well, that was pretty fast dealing there, Fred.

Fred: Well, you know me, Grady, I always drives a hard bargain!

(The thieves leave. Fred settles down to watch some more "Hogan's Heroes".)

Sgt. Schultz: (on TV) Col. Hogan, you're not hiding any spies around here, are you?

Col. Hogan: (on TV) Now why would I do a thing like that? Besides, if there was a spy
here in Stalag
13, you and Klink would be taking a one-way trip to Stalingrad.

Sgt. Schultz: (on TV) I hear nothing, I see nothing! (He leaves the barracks.)

Newkirk: (on TV) You really pulled a fast one on Schultz there, Colonel!

(Daria, Jane, Trent, Jesse, Nicholas and Max now enter.)

Daria: What dump is this?

Trent: It's that salvage place those Crips recommended to us, remember?

Jane: Let's just hope the Bloods didn't track us down.

Daria: (Sarcastically) Don't worry, if there are any, we'll see if they sell any AK-47's here.

Grady: Fred, there's some other people here who want to do business with you.

(Fred looks up.)

Fred: Hello, everyone! What can I do for you?

Trent: I was looking for a guitar because the one I had broke and I need to play at a
concert tomorrow.

Fred: You're in luck! I just got this one in! (He shows it to Trent).

Jesse: Hey, that's a neat guitar there!

Fred: I can let you have it for say, about $1500.

Trent: I was hoping more on the lines of $300

Fred: OK, how about $1200?

Trent: $500.

Fred: $1000

Trent: $750.

Fred: $800, and I'm not making any money on this, either.

Trent: $775, and that's my final offer.

Fred: Deal.

(Trent takes about $200 dollars out.)

Trent: Jesse, you got any cash on you?

Jesse: I can let you have $200.

Nicholas: I've got about $300.

Max: I can make up the $75.

(The four of the pool their resources together and hand the money to Fred, who then gives
the guitar to

Trent: Thanks, man! I really appreciate it.

Fred: Sure. And thanks for doing business with Sanford and Son Salvage. Come again.

Daria: (Muttering to herself) When Hell freezes over! (She and the others leave.)

Fred: Well, that guitar sold pretty quickly, even though I did take a $225 loss on it. (He
settles down to
watch more "Hogan's Heroes", but then Lamont enters.)

Lamont: Hi, Pop, Hi Grady.

Fred: Hi, son. Man, you missed all the activity here.

Lamont: What do you mean?

Fred: Well, these three guys came here and sold me a guitar for $1000. Then these four
guys and two
ladies came here and bought it for $775.

Lamont: Pop, you sold that guitar for a $225 loss. How are we going to make money if
you buy high and
sell low like that?

Fred: I'm just in the junk business, dummy, not the music business!

Lamont: Pop, all you ever think about is your moneymaking schemes. The Sanford Arms
is falling apart,
and you don't do anything about it to fix it All you want is to collect the rent.

Fred: Well, that rent keeps us in business now, doesn't it? It makes up for any losses we
have here at the
junk yard.

Grady: Yeah, Lamont, cut your father some slack here. He may be an old coot but he
ain't that crazy!

(The TV program switches to the local news.)

TV News Anchorperson: (on TV) Good evening, everyone. Tonight's top story: Police
in New York
City are still stumped over the theft of a guitar that once belongs to Kurt Cobain from the
Hard Rock Cafe
there. Police have released this picture of what the guitar looks like. The guitar has been
valued at
$500,000 because of its associations with Cobain, who was lead singer for the alternative
rock band
Nirvana who committed suicide in 1994. (A picture of the guitar is shown.)

Lamont: (Looking at it) Hey, there's the guitar that got stolen in New York!

Fred: Funny, it looks just like the guitar I bought and later sold today.

(Lamont shoots a hostile look at Fred).

Lamont: Pop, don't tell me that you had that guitar?

Fred: Well, I don't know, son. It could have been. I'm pretty sure that there are lots of
guitars that look
like that!

Lamont: Pop, if the police find out that you had that guitar, you could be arrested for
dealing in stolen
goods. We could lose our license to operate this junk yard!

(Fred clutches his right hand over his heart, and shoots his left arm out.)

Fred: Did you hear that, Elizabeth? They're going to arrest me because I had that
dummy's guitar!
They'll send me away to Alcatraz and be with that dummy Bird Man! I'm coming to join
you, Elizabeth!
I'm coming to join you!

Lamont: Pop, the Bird Man of Alcatraz died in 1962, and they shut down that prison in

Fred: Don't spoil the moment, dummy!

Lamont: We've got to get that guitar back and turn it over to the police!

Fred: (Stopping his fake heart attack) OK, OK, son. I think I remember what they look
like. The people
I sold it to were pretty scruffy looking.

Lamont: Come on, Pop, let's find them.

Scene 6: A motel room where the thieves are hiding out. The next morning.

(The opening bars of "Bombtrack" from Rage Against the Machine can be heard. Thief #
3 enters the
room, holding a newspaper in his hand. He goes to Thief # 1 and wakes him, then slaps
him across the
face with the paper.)

Thief # 1: OW! Why'd' you do that for?

Thief # 3: You idiot! Read this article about the guitar we sold! It turns out it's worth
$500,000! We
could have gone to the Mafia and gotten more money for it.

Thief # 1: So, what you want me to do about it?

Thief # 3: Get it back so we can take it to someone who can give us more money for it!

Thief # 1: Of course, you realize that by this time they may have sold it.

Thief # 3: Then they'll have to tell us who they sold it to!

Thief # 1: OK, OK, hold your horses! Let me get dressed and we'll take care of it!

Thief # 3: What an idiot he is!

Scene 7: Sanford and Son Salvage, later that morning.

(The opening bars of "I Hate You" from The Monks can be heard. Fred and Lamont are
having breakfast.
Lamont sees an ad in the Los Angeles Times for the Chris Crash/Mystik Spiral concert.)

Lamont: Hey, Pop, here's an ad for a concert that's taking place at the Viper Room
tonight. That band
pictured here looks pretty scruffy.

(He shows the ad to Fred. His eyes widen.

Fred: Hey! Those are the guys I sold that guitar to; you know, the one those crooks stole
and then they
sold it to me and then I sold it to those guys!

Lamont: Maybe we can find them before the concert and explain what's been going on!
(He reads more
of the paper, and reads an article about the concert.) It says here that they're staying at the
Los Angeles
Hilton. Maybe we can get there and get the guitar back and clear this whole mess up.

(Suddenly, the door is kicked open, and the three thieves burst in, wielding guns.)

Thief # 1: (To Fred) OK, old man! You'd better tell me what you did with that guitar we
sold you last

Fred: Well, it's not here anymore!

Thief # 1: What do you mean, it's not here anymore!

Fred: Well, I sold it to some scruffy looking guys who call themselves. . .themselves. . .(he
looks at the
ad) call themselves Mystery Spinal!

Lamont: Pop, that's Mystik Spiral!

Fred: Keep out of this, dummy!

Thief # 3: (Cocking his gun back) Well, then you'd better tell us where this Mystik Spiral is
so we can get
it back! If not--(he shoots the gun and the bullet goes into the water heater, sending hot
water spritzing
all over the kitchen.)

Lamont: Pop, these people are very serious. Maybe we'd better tell them.

(Fred clutches his right hand over his heart and shoots his left arm out again.)

Fred: Did you hear that, Elizabeth? These crooks want to kill me because I sold their
guitar that they
stolen from that dummy who blowed his brains out! I'm coming to join you, Elizabeth! I'm
coming to
join you!

(Thief # 2 sees the article.)

Thief # 2: Don't bother. This article says that they're at the Los Angeles Hilton. We'll go
there and get
the guitar back. (He turns to Fred and Lamont). Just consider yourselves lucky that we
won't kill you--
this time!

(The thieves leave.)

Lamont: Pop, we've got to warn Mystik Spiral about this! I'm going to call the hotel. (He
goes to the
phone and dials the number for the Los Angeles Hilton. After a few seconds, there is an
answer). Hello?
Is this the Los Angeles Hilton? Is there a band called Mystik Spiral there right now?
(Pause). They've
left for concert practice? Do you know where? (Pause.) Thank you; I'm sorry to have
bothered you. Bye.
(He hangs up.) Pop, they're not at the hotel right now; they're at a practice for their

Fred: You go on ahead, son. I'll stay where it's safe.

Lamont: Oh, no, you don't, Pop! You're going with me!

Fred: Come on, son! I'm too young to die!

Lamont: Pop, you're in your 90's, for God's sake.

Lamont: To me, that's too young!

(Lamont takes him by the hand and drags him out of the room. The "La, la, la, la, la"
refrain from
"You're Standing on My Neck" can be heard while the scene of Thief # 3 hitting Thief # 1
with the rolled-
up newspaper plays in slo-motion in a blue tint, with the "Daria" logo superimposed over

(Now, that one I did make up!)

Scene 1: The Viper Room. Later that day.

(Mystik Spiral is having their practice. They play the opening riffs for "Ice Box Woman".
Trent goes up
to the microphone and begins singing.)

Trent: You're an angel in black, and you sure have a knack/For putting my heart on the
shelf in the
back!/I'm waiting my turn, oh, when will I learn?/My poor heart, you're giving it freezer
you're an ice box woman!/Ice box woman!/Ice box woman!/You're heart is made out of
block ice!

Jane: Don't you just find this song romantic, Daria?

Daria: If that's supposed to be romantic, then how come Michael Bolton doesn't sing stuff
like this?

Jane: He's probably weeping all the way to the bank figuring that one out!

(The band finishes its song. Trent goes up to Daria.)

Trent: So, what do you think of that song, Daria?

Daria: I've heard it quite a few dozen times by now, Trent.

Trent: Well, it's my love song to you.

(Daria's eyes widen.)

Daria: It is?

(Trent produces a copy of the song.)

Trent: Yes, it is. See right here, below the song title and my name? It says, "This song is
dedicated to
the love of my life, Daria Morgendorffer."

(Daria blushes.)

Daria: Well, gee, Trent, I'm flattered, I think.

Jane: Take it from me, Daria; coming from Trent, that is high praise.

(Approaching from stage left is Chris Crash and the Failed Airbag Commandos, featuring:
Chris Crash
on vocals and guitars; Dumb Larry on bass; Jerky Jacko on rhythm guitar; and Corporal
Boom-Boom on
drums. They all have mohawks; Chris's is red, while Larry's is blue, Jacko's purple and
green. They also sports nose rings, multiple earrings and leather.)

Chris: Hey, everyone, what's up?

Jesse: Chris, glad to see you, man!

Chris: So, you're prepared to be the opening act for tonight's concert?

Jesse: We are. Almost.

Chris: What do you mean by that?

Boom-Boom: Maybe they need to take some weed first!

Jesse: No. Nothing like that. Trent here's got to have his pre-concert nap or he won't be
at his best.

Larry: Is that so?

Trent: Hey, they don't call me "The Rip Van Winkle of Rock and Roll" for nothing!

Jacko: Weird, man!

(Suddenly, there's a commotion outside. Fred and Lamont are trying to get in, with the
guards trying to
hold them back. They burst into the floor in front of the stage.)

Fred: Hey, hey, hey! We need to talk to Musty Spooker!

Lamont: That's Mystik Spiral, Pop!

Trent: What's going on?

Guard # 1: These two jokers here say that they sold you a guitar yesterday and they want
it back.

Lamont: It's true, Mr. Lane.

Trent: Let then go. I'll speak to them.

(The guards let them go.)

Fred: Well, at least someone here is willing to listen to us, son!

Trent: Now, tell me, what's going on?

Lamont: First, let me introduce ourselves. I'm Lamont Sanford, and that's my father,
Fred. We run
Sanford and Son Salvage over at Watts.

Trent: Nice to meet you. (They shake hands.)

Lamont: Anyway, that guitar that my father sold you is actually the guitar that was stolen
from the Hard
Rock Cafe in New York City.

Trent: You mean, the one that Kurt Cobain used to play on?

Lamont: Yes, that one. We've got to turn it in to the police so that we can clear this whole
thing up.

Daria: Funny how things take a sinister turn at times; don't you agree, Jane?

Jane: Yeah, like when I took my morning run earlier and stepped on some doggie doo.
Don't they have
pooper-scooper laws in this city?

(Suddenly, there is another commotion outside. The guards rush out to investigate. Shots
are fired. The
three thieves enter.)

Thief # 1: (Yelling at the top of his lungs) ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE, NOBODY

(Fred clutches his right hand over his heart and shoots his left arm out.)

Fred: Did you hear that, Elizabeth? They've come for me! I'll be joining you soon!

Daria: And who the Hell is Elizabeth?

Jane: And what did you do with the guards?

Thief # 2: They're dead!

Jane: Ask a stupid question. . .

Thief # 1: (Yelling at the top of his lungs again) SHUT UP!

Thief # 2: You're getting only one chance at this! Tell me where the guitar is!

Daria: And if we don't, then what?

Thief # 1: (Grabbing Jane and thrusting the barrel of his gun against her right temple) If
not, then we're
going to blow your friend's brains out!

Jane: Great! That'll make two things we'll have in common with Kurt Cobain!

Thief # 3: Where is the guitar?

Chris: Maybe we don't have it; can you figure that out?

Thief # 1: (Cocking the gun back) Don't get funny with me!

Jesse: Maybe we'd better tell them the truth, Trent!

Daria: If you do that, Trent, you'll never be able to live with yourself.

Thief # 1: I'm losing my patience!

Trent: OK, OK, OK! (He proceeds to go to the stage. He grabs the guitar and goes to
the thieves.
Suddenly, he punches Thief # 3 out cold. Jane elbows Thief # 1 and punches him in the
solar plexus,
sending him crashing to the floor. They all gang up on Thief # 2 now, and surround him.)

Daria: If I were you, I'd drop the gun!

(Thief # 2 proceeds to do so. Suddenly, Esther bursts in with some LAPD officers,
including Officer
Hopkins, the one who regularly visits the junk yard.)

Esther: They're they are, my nephew and his heathen father!

Fred: Out of the frying pan and into the fire, eh, son?

Lamont: POP!

Hopkins: Are you guys OK?

Fred: Yeah, we are, Officer Hopkins. By the way, how'd you know to find us here?

Lamont: I can explain that. When we pulled off to the side of the road to figure things out,
I called Aunt
Esther and told her about the whole situation. I told her to meet us here and to bring some
cops with her.

Fred: You know, son, you're not a dummy after all!

(The officers drag the thieves off the floor and arrest them.)

Trent: (To Officer Hopkins) I believe you want this. (He gives the guitar to him.)

Hopkins: The guitar!

Trent: Safe and sound.

(A spokesman from the Hard Rock Cafe enters.)

Spokesman: Well, look! It's the guitar! Who found this.

Fred: I did!

Trent: And then he sold it to me. But then they found out what was going on and warned

Spokesman: Well, you guys should be proud of yourselves. We had a $100,000 reward
for the safe return
of that guitar. I guess I'll give half if it to you (pointing to Fred) and half to you (pointing to
Trent. He
then takes out a checkbook and writes two checks for $50,000. He then gives one each
to Fred and Trent.)
I want to thank you for bringing that guitar back safe and sound.

Fred: Look at that, son! Fifty thousand smackers!

Esther: And I know how you can put that to good use, heathen!

Fred: What do you mean?

Esther: Our church needs a new organ. It'll run at least $35,000!

Fred: You parasite! You just want me for my money!

Lamont: Pop, we'll still have $15,000 left.

Fred: It's not the money, it's the principle of the matter. Esther keeps rubbing her religion
in my face like
that, and it just turns me off!

Esther: I'll remember to tell God that on Judgment Day!

Fred: OK, OK, you win. I'll give the $35,000 for the organ!

Esther: Praise the Lord! (She slaps her thigh for emphasis.)

Daria: And what are you going to do with your part of the reward, Trent?

Trent: It's still not too late to get a decent guitar with some of the money. The rest I'll give
to Janey so
she can put it in her college fund.

Jane: Trent, I don't know if I'm going to college yet or not.

Trent: Or at least become a very equipped artist.

Jane: Now you're talking.

Daria: (Sarcastically) Spoken like a true starving artist!

Jane: Hey, it's a living!

Lamont: Guys, if there's anything we can do for you, just tell us?

Trent: How about attending our concert tonight?

Fred: Aren't we a bit old for that kind of music, son?

Lamont: Pop, we should accept their invitation.

Esther: Normally, I'd tell you not to do it because rock and roll is the Devil's music, but to
turn down their
invitation would be very un-Christian.

Fred: Then again, we accept!

Hopkins: We'd better go now. We'll take these thieves downtown! (The officers, thieves
and spokesman

Daria: (To Fred) See you at the concert tonight!

Fred: Son, do we still have those old ear protectors around someplace?

(Lamont flashes a hostile look at him.)

Scene 2: The same. Later that evening.

(The concert is getting underway. Mystik Spiral opens up with "Ice Box Woman". Daria,
Jane, Fred and
Lamont are in the crowd.)

Fred: Man, this is one noisy place!

Daria: What did you say, Mr. Sanford?

Fred: (Louder) I said, this is one noisy place!

Daria: Oh, yes it is!

Jane: Trent and the guys are really cooking it up tonight!

Fred: That reminds me! I haven't eaten anything for dinner! Is there a greasy spoon
someplace we can
go after this is over?

Lamont: Pop, you're thinking of food at this time? I can't believe it!

Fred: Give me a break, son!

Scene 3: Los Angeles International Airport, near the gate for the flight back to Lawndale.
The next day.

(The opening bars of "Sabotage" from the Beastie Boys can be heard. Daria, Jane, Trent,
Jesse, Nicholas,
Max, Fred and Lamont are gathered nearby.)

Daria: Well, it was nice meeting you guys.

Lamont: Sure. By the way, it was a nice concert you guys gave.

Trent: Hey, Jesse's cousin said we blew the roof off the place. He's thinking of inviting us
back soon.
Good thing I found that new guitar at that music store in Little Tokyo when I did.

Jesse: What's going to happen to those thieves, anyway?

Lamont: They've been extradited back to New York City. They're facing at least ten
years. Then, after
that, they face murder charges for shooting those guards back here.

Daria: Serves them right.

Lamont: Hey, next time you're here, stop by our place. The door's always open.

Daria: We will. Thanks.

LAX PA Announcer: United Flight 347 to Lawndale is now boarding.

Trent: We better go now. Keep the faith, guys! (He and the others wave at Fred and
Lamont as they
head down the gate.)

Fred: You know, son, they say the youth of today is nothing' but slackers! Those guys are
living proof
that they're not all slackers!

Lamont: Pop. sometimes you do come up with some wise observations!

Fred: And now, I'd better get back to the junk yard. I'm going to try and push that
genuine fake leather
chair I've been meaning to sell!

(Lamont groans as they leave.)

Scene 4: The living room of the Morgendorffer residence.

(Jake, Helen and Quinn are watching TV. "Sick Sad World" is on. The reporter is
delivering a report of
the recovery of the guitar.)

Reporter: The mysterious disappearance of a guitar that once belonged to Kurt Cobain
has been solved. It
seems that the thieves who stole it went to Los Angeles, where they fenced it at a salvage
shop in the
notorious Watts area of the city. The proprietor of the shop, a Mr. Fred G. Sanford, then
sold it to a
visiting rock band without realizing what it was. When Mr. Sanford later found out his
mistake, he and
his son Lamont risked life and limb to recover the guitar and return it to the Hard Rock
Cafe. Mr.
Sanford, his son and the band that accidentally got the guitar are all being called heroes by
both the
NYPD and the LAPD. When we return to "Sick Sad World", a refried hippie teacher
from Highland
admits that he led the notorious Beavis and Butt-Head astray into their life of crime!

Jake: That reminds me, isn't Daria supposed to be back soon?

Helen: Trent's mother was going to pick them up and drop her off here.

(The front door opens, and Daria enters with her luggage.)

Daria: Mom, Dad, Quinn, I'm home!

(They go up to her.)

Jake: Hi, Daria! How was your trip?

Daria: Well, Jane went skinny-dipping in the hotel pool, the concert was really loud, and
we got mixed
up in the theft of the guitar those thieves stole from the Hard Rock Cafe in New York
City. All in all, it
was a memorable trip.

Helen: Daria! Don't tell me that it was you and your friends who got mixed up with those

Daria: It's a long story. However, Sanford and Son Salvage sends their greetings. (She
opens up her
valise and takes out some gifts.) This is for you, Mom. It's a plate to replace the one I
accidentally broke
when I was nine. Dad, this is that putter you always wanted. And, Quinn, this is an old

Helen: Why, thank you, Daria.

Jake: Way to go, Daria!

Quinn: Very funny, Daria!

Daria: By the way, Quinn, you're supposed to wear that corset to school tomorrow.

Quinn: And look like a freak? Over my dead body!

Daria: That could be arranged!

(Quinn gulps.)

Scene 5: A hallway in Lawndale High School. The next day.

(Daria, Jane and Quinn are going down the hall. Quinn is dressed in her corset, wearing an
1890's dress
and hat and carrying a parasol. Sandi and the other members of the Fashion Club walk

Sandi: Like, Quinn, have you gone medieval on us or something?

Tiffany: Like, that is so retro it's unfashionable!

Stacy: I wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit!

Sandi: Talk to us again when you look normal!

(They go down the hall.)

Quinn: Like, thanks a lot, Daria and Jane! You've just made me the laughing stock of the
whole school!

(Quinn suddenly bumps into Kevin and Brittany.)

Kevin: Hey, Quinn, I've heard of women who wear shoulder pads, but not like the kind I

Brittany: I bet she's trying to join the football team and steal you away from me! Let's get
out of here,
Kevvie! (They leave.)

(Daria and Jane both laugh.)

Quinn: You two really think this is funny, don't you! I'm going to take this off right now!

Daria: Do that and you'll be joining Elizabeth Sanford in the great beyond!

Quinn: What do you mean by that?

Daria: Oh, just something I picked up from a junk salesman I met in Los Angeles this past

Quinn: Along with this iron maiden of a corset! I'm going to kill you, Daria! And you too,

(She begins to run towards them. Daria and Jane run down the hall themselves, still

(The closing credits roll as "The Streetbeater" plays. Makeovers include Mack as Lamont,
Jodie as
Esther, Daria as Joan Jett, Jane as Flo from "Alice", Ms. Li as Wendy Richter, Brittany as
Sailor Moon,
Kevin as Tuxedo Mask, Ms. Barch as Queen Beryl, Quinn as Gabrielle from "Xena:
Warrior Princess"
and Mr. O'Neill as Mad Max. The "Daria" logo appears as the show fades to black.)


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