Phil is joining you on Christmas Day! What will he complain about? - What will he steal? What would he break? When would gramma get fed up and throw him into the snow?

rizlajizzla

Janeway Murdered Tuvix.
kiwifarms.net
I am sure, positively sure, SURE he would vomit on or in something or someone inappropriate.

I also expect he would be the kind of guest that tries to grab your dog in a rough way, and so the dog hates him, but he's oblivious and just keeps smacking her in the face a little. He would also be the kind of cunt to try to tease your little cousin playfully but is just a lame dickhead. I am sure he would think it was funny to stamp at your cat to see it jump. And worst of all:

I bet he would take more than his fair share of the mashed potatoes.

Granny better count the spoons.

Also, I think my European plumbing would just not fucking handle it.
 

rizlajizzla

Janeway Murdered Tuvix.
kiwifarms.net
smacking him when he tries to touch the guns. not out of concern for my safety, but because somehow he would find a way to shoot himself in the foot and blood is hell to get out of hardwood floors and concrete.
Phil would piss himself if he even saw a firearm. I swear though, he'd kill himself in about a minute and a half.
 
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Pargon

Engaging in cultural trench warfare
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Ha, funny on the face of it, the idea of Phil willingly subjecting himself to any social situation let alone one that's stressful even for the normies, but since we're spitballing it...

Everything. Phil would be That Cunt. You know, the one who thinks your crapper is too small. There's not enough parking close enough to your house. It's cold in here. Your whole house smells weird (fuck you, Phil, my cats have brains the size of walnuts and they still manange to be cleaner than you). I never eat turkey on Christmas. How come you don't have any gin? Why's your TV in the basement? Climbing stairs is bad for my back.

Etcetera, etcetera, until you string him up in your attic.
 

Clop

kiwifarms.net
I don't believe Dave would have the balls to steal, there's nothing in here to really break without some great effort, my grandma is a saint and would never.

Obviously I'd tell Dave that I'm a big fan (lie) to get him to play a few matches of fighting games with me. The joy of it is that I am not particularly good at fighting games but I am good at reacting to pattern play. This match is mine. Then he will complain, and all of my controllers are so worn out that they have a slight bit of drift, which just makes it funnier.
 

obliviousbeard

As white as schoolshooter
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Huh, let's see. We're over at my mother's house, me and my siblings (alongside with respective partners, of course - so guess the soulmaid would be there also?). He'd complain about food not being the kinda food he's used to, for starters (nordic christmas table is bit different from the typical yank one, nothing too major but just different enough to cause complaining from him). Then of course he'd probably slink back and play with his phone and complain there's no interaction. The dogs are too friendly, they wouldn't let him just be. People would wonder silently what kinda drugs Kat is on. Come Christmas sauna, well, he'd probably skip that too and complain nobody is keeping him company (while Kat is wondering if it's too late to call a cab and book a hotel somewhere). We really don't do gifts either, so he'd complain about that - he's in danger of losing his house so every bit helps, afterall. He'd probably also try to butt in with his commentary when we're watching movies just to get odd glances(KAHMAAAN, ALOTTAPEEPUL LOVE MY COMMENTARY), while Kat is furiously looking at flights back home on her phone.
 

Wurstbrot

I'm not a whiny baby
kiwifarms.net
Phil joining ME on Christmas day? I can't imagine how this could be accomplished by any logical and organisational ways. No, I don't mean the distance he has to cross. I mean, Phil joining anything that has some social aspect, how? Phil leaving the gated community for something else than getting a hair cut and buying croceries, how? Phil can't even leave the house, his day is way too busy, he has to take a shower, take a dump and babysit his uploads. You are out of your mind Rizla, crazy, mentally ill!

I'm just avoiding the question, because during all this time knowing him, I still can't imagine him nowadays in a real conversation. Online quite easy: Ignores everyone, nasal and throat sounds, check his mobile, sometimes answer with a monosyllabic word, check chat, rant about detractors and Ninja, act like the other person does not exist.

So assuming we invite him and his Kat (and pay him the flight, hotel and car, I guess), so we are open to communication, we would probably also talk to him? So what is he doing as a job? I'm not quite certain of his possible answer. Does he try to avoid the shame of being just a streamer or does he go full in? "I'm a self-employeed gameplay artist and online entertainer?", or would he rather dance around for half an hour with snorts and throat clears until nobody is interested anymore (in him or the food, yikes)?
And for the rest of the evening he puts himself in front of the TV, not the computer because I would not let his greazy fingers touch anything related to me. He would probably smash my controller when he fails to understand the tutorial of DMC4, can't have that.

Alternatively, if Kat is there he would probably sit right next to her. And while she talks like a normal human being, as long as she isn't forced to talk to piggy, Dave just nods all the time and gives his best goat laugh, despite the fact we said nothing funny THIS time. Yes, we are a hilarious family, in one or another way.
 

Coin Ops

kiwifarms.net
He'll complain we're being too loud at the dinner table as he records a "DSP Tries It." Kat, visibly uncomfortable, stands behind me holding the camera.

Later he clogs the toilet and leaves it, despite a plunger right by the toilet. This man can't install blinds and eats noodles with a spoon. There's no way he's working a plunger.
 

Filthy Greenskin

screaming green fungus born yesterday
kiwifarms.net
Phil tries to eat a Christmas dinner
"What even is this fork? Uhuhuh, waaauw whoever designed this is an idiot. Look, look! I can't even pick up my food with it." -sips his wineglass of energy drink and belches loudly- "Uhuhuh, didn't feel that one coming."

Phil tries to make conversation
"Hey guys, this is really important but can you please think about tipping me today? Okay? Cus I'm doing all the work here and you guys are just there having your own fun. Stuff about baby scans or whatever are not important cus I might lose my house, okay?"

Phil tries gift giving
"Dude, I have been so busy! I had to get up, get showered, wash my hair and brush my teeth. Go downstairs, stuff some food into my mouth and then start uploading to youtoob. Then I had to get ready to go out, put out the trash, get my car keys and then forgot my back doesn't work so I had to wait for Kat to get back from work to drive me here! So no, I don't have time to get you a present okay? I'm insanely busy! Anyway, thanks for the present I guess. But uuuh, yeah, if you ever want to tip me you can-"


Seriously though, Phil would never even leave his house unless it was beneficial to him. He has all the microwavable food he could want in his pit and why the hell would he want to go out and buy presents for other people?
 

Commander Keen

in GOODBYE GALAXY!!!
kiwifarms.net
I have some hard-to-find gin in the cabinet, so I think he’d be just fine. We would just get loaded and I would try to get panda’s number and see if she’s down to fuck once he gets tipsy. I imagine it would be easy, just say something like “lol, Phil, ginmie your ex’s number and I’ll spam her with dick pics”.
 
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Jaracainofthewind

kiwifarms.net
Actually, I like to think we'd just change him. His disgusting behaviors and his weasly begging is just anthetical to our family. My Grandma wouldn't let him at the table until he stopped snorting and belching and the first time he started bitching about detractors my Dad would tear into him until the 26th he streams apologizing for all the begging and lies.

That or he just gets left out in the cold. And Kat gets a lovely Christmas
 

PantsuParty

Jimmy Norton's Sex Slave
kiwifarms.net
I feel like during the grace before a meal (if your family is into that) Phil would check his email for PayPal disputes (or inquires for statues), look at the app for Muxy and scratch his beard. After the amen he would say “very nice” and clear his throat. Then, he would grab a plate first before the children and the elders because standing for too long hurts his back.

Example of dinner conversation:
Jose Jim-Bob: “Sheesh the heatwave this summer in Florida was a scorcher. What about you Phil? How was your summer?”

Phil: “Dude, don’t even get me started. I’m not even fucking kidding you, um outside my house it was 82. Fucking. Degrees in Rent-I mean Seattle and I was cooking my fucking balls off, sss sss sss you know what I mean? It’s like...are you trying to fucking kill me, God? Blaghhhh.” (Who am I kidding he would probably interrupt everyone talking and try to top them because he’s a rude fuck)
 

SupremeVictory

kiwifarms.net
He will pick up where he left off from today's stream no doubt.

1. Remind everyone that its Tevin and Tut's fault, but mostly TUT.
2. Blame pig pen for not being in the holiday spirit and giving more $$$
3. DSP tries it. The cookies and m1lk Kat left out for Santa, but Phil doesn't believe in Santa.
4. Everyone is opening presents instead of hanging out with me.
 
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Zeva_Adom

Drachenlord Fan #1
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Gotta be honest, panda is exactly my type. Dave is such a fucking moron for letting her go..
What a perfect 10/10 she is.

I'm pretty sure Dave would die or at least get horrible injured since we eat fondue every year.
Either the tries to put his gouty hands into the hot oil or he stabs himself with the meatforks...

Also:"thanks for the presents but couldn't you just given me tips? I need that money now, I need that money to pay my bills! It would help!"
 
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