Dear President Xi,
I, Asterisk of the Kiwi Farms, have it on good authority that a citizen of your great nation -- posting on this website under the handle @Philosophy 农民 -- is a known Islamic Terrorist with ties to Uyghur suicide bombers in the Xinjiang Province. She has spent the past thirteen months sealing ties between these monsters,the Islamic State, and known American Bin Laden sympathiser Jonathan McIntosh in an effort to destroy the People's Republic and replace your home with a caliphate.
I also have it on good authority -- via American singer Amy Lee of the band Evanescence -- that @Philosophy 农民 has circulated stories on Weibo that you met your current spouse, songstress Peng Liyuan, at a private party where she entertained you by shoving an entire watermelon into her vagina; in addition to rumors that your Harvard-educated daughter, Mingze, is currently in a lesbian relationship with a WNBA athlete of African-American ancestry.
I implore you to do whatever it takes to bring this woman to justice before she destabalizes the Middle Kingdom beyond repair.
Yours truly,
A. Sterrix
I, Asterisk of the Kiwi Farms, have it on good authority that a citizen of your great nation -- posting on this website under the handle @Philosophy 农民 -- is a known Islamic Terrorist with ties to Uyghur suicide bombers in the Xinjiang Province. She has spent the past thirteen months sealing ties between these monsters,the Islamic State, and known American Bin Laden sympathiser Jonathan McIntosh in an effort to destroy the People's Republic and replace your home with a caliphate.
I also have it on good authority -- via American singer Amy Lee of the band Evanescence -- that @Philosophy 农民 has circulated stories on Weibo that you met your current spouse, songstress Peng Liyuan, at a private party where she entertained you by shoving an entire watermelon into her vagina; in addition to rumors that your Harvard-educated daughter, Mingze, is currently in a lesbian relationship with a WNBA athlete of African-American ancestry.
I implore you to do whatever it takes to bring this woman to justice before she destabalizes the Middle Kingdom beyond repair.
Yours truly,
A. Sterrix
