Plan the worst possible birthday party for your lolcow of choice - Make a living hell

[JambledUpWords]

John Sakars (YouTube vegan and communist)

• Super upscale party
• All food contains either milk, eggs, meat, or fish (or more than one)
• No way of leaving the party
• Gambling present
• Lots of smokers and people doing drugs (he’s straight edge)
• Only alcohol served, no water
• If you want to leave, you must first buy a property to get out that you have to win through gambling and partaking in the food
• Birthday cake is a realistic looking pig that is cut into (it’s just red velvet cake)
• Total cost of party is $100,000 and he has to get a job to pay for it the rest of his life (as far as we know, he’s mooching off of family members for his housing and he is in his late thirties/ early forties)

Amberlynn (beanbag and professional eater)

• The party is at a place where she has to stand the entire time
• Food is all low sodium and low sugar
• Meat is served (no orange chicken) but it is lightly grilled and you can’t add any more salt, pepper, Mrs. Dash etc.
• No bread, rice, pasta, potatoes, or candy present
• “Cake” is actually a pile of vegetables and a few berries
• Only one plate of food allowed (plate is really small) for each meal
• Meals are just meat and vegetables, with light seasoning and a bit of olive oil
• Has to walk 1 mile to get a plate of food
• Only water (with no flavoring) allowed
• Party is outside and has no WiFi or cellphone range
• Everyone at party stares at her and she has to listen to commentary about herself from Kiwi Farms
• She cannot leave party until she loses 450 pounds

 

[Glad I couldn't help]

Boggie

* Surprise party. We leave all kinds of empty Soda bottles are junk food wrappers out in the open. When ask for food, we say that we are out of that food and only have water and vegetables instead.

 

[PsychoNerd054]

Tommy Tooter (Transgender Hippie)

• All of the food there is not made by him, and we must remove all of the trash bins to keep him from getting any extra snacks.
• Everybody there must be 18+
• We invite yawning sneasel
• We always refer to Tommy as "him", no exceptions
• To leave, he must identify as a man with a man's brain and man's genitals

Michael J. Hirtes (Furry A-log)

• Literally everything in the party is Chris-themed
• Better yet, it should take place in Chris' house with Chris and Barb in it
• The Party is more for Chris than it is for Hirtes.
  
• Everybody gets a free copy of Sonichu comics
• Every time Hirtes insults Chris in anyway, he gets a "JULAY"
• There will be no Wi-Fi, since Twitter is his only means of survival
• We take his picture to fully dox him on the farms
• To leave, he must make love with Chris

 

[wateryketchup]

Russell Greer

• The party is at the grand opening of an ancient greek-themed brothel called The Mile High Neon
• All of the women there are high end virginal prostitutes made up to look like the various girls he's creeped on throughout his life
• The men there are studly rich white Trump supporters
• Every news station in America is covering the event
• The cake is mushed up so he can have an easier time eating it
• T Swift herself makes an appearance and sings all of the songs he's written for her
• Security is given strict orders to not let Rusty in and he never sets foot in the door

 

[Bob Page]

Christopher McGee/Clawshrimpy (Mecha sperg and pedo)

• Has to wear a MAGA hat the entire time (Duct tape it to him)
• Have him strapped to a chair
• Invite Hbomberguy to sing the theme to Gurren Lagann
• All gifts are Gundam themed
• Hire hot chicks that are over 30 for entertainment
• He has to get the food himself
• Everytime he claims his love for GGG (and the character Mamoru), he gets a pie to the face and laughed at
• He gets to watch a marathon of NGE and EoE and he won't be able to close his eyes, ala the scene from A Clockwork Orange
• In order to leave, he has to receive a lapdance from one of the chicks from Point 5

 

[JambledUpWords]

Becky (Professional thumb, lesbian, and permanent 90s nostalgia fan)

• Has to wear a dress and do her hair and makeup (no snapbacks allowed)
• Party is 1890s themed
• No pasta, bread, candy, or junk food allowed
• Everyone at the party knows nothing about her 1990s nostalgia
• Nobody knows about her favorite anime
• All conversations at the party revolve around philosophy, history, politics, opera, or fine art
• Only books available to read are nonfiction
• Everyone is straight and doesn’t care at all about lgbt
• All food is super fancy
• No cake for her birthday
• Every time she tries to talk about dead relatives, 1990s nostalgia, or anime, her voice is muted
• In order to leave party, she has to seduce a man

 

[AF 802]

Terry A. Davis (TempleOS creator, prophet about glow in the dark CIA niggers)

• Everyone paints themselves in glow in the dark paint while in CIA agent uniforms
• Party takes place in Heaven (the Christian one)
  
• Diana is nowhere to be seen
• The light is off the whole time
• Herd of nigger cattle outside, where Terry has to herd
• Any type of drink but Shasta
• There's computers in the room, but they all run the inferior Linux, made by that nigger lover Linus Torvalds
• Girl from the DMV must always sit by Terry
• To leave, Terry must make love to Bill Gates

 

[Rikka Takarada]

Chris-chan

• The only food is pickles, and they're even between the layers of the cake
• All the girls are not boyfriend-free
• A massive poster of Sonichu with blue arms in attendance
• Nobody wants to hear about the Dimensional Merge
• The cake is presented by the Man in the Pickle Suit and is iced with the message: "You're not a Goddess, Chris."

 

[The Shadow]

MovieBob

• Everyone's playing FPS games in the house (and basketball or flag football or anything requiring movement outside)
  
• The other attendees are Mayonnaise Ghouls from the flyover states
  
• Lots of vegetables and light dressing to dip them in, no McNuggies
  
• The Chad guests don't give a fuck about Orange Man and want to throw a nice party for the BirthdayBlob
  
• At 8:00 everyone shuts everything else off to watch Batman vs Superman

 

[Rikka Takarada]

At 8:00 everyone shuts everything else off to watch Pixels

FTFY

 

[Beth]

Invite @Ron /pol/

 

[Rand /pol/]

Christian Weston Chandler

• Slit his throat
• Have someone with AIDS piss down his gaping throat wound
• Sodomize his anus with a cactus

Die Chris

 

[MG 620]

Tammy Slaton

- No food served
- Amy would be the only guest
- No access to Netflix or youtubey
- The toilet bucket is full but no one is willing to empty it

 

[YourMommasBackstory]

Yanderedev

• Gamedev party
• No underage girls
• Chad programers talks about advanced programming, Alex can't understand them
• There is a portfolio review by Skullgirls programmer
• The only food is spaghetti
• Some people wear gremlin costumes

 

[MasterDisaster]

Philip Haskin Delici

1. All dishes will be potato based.
2. Must referred to as some potato term or Mr. Isabel.
3. Invite all of his old 'friends'.
4. Videotape the entire thing on cellphones.
5. Hold it under a bridge.
6. Anytime he starts to squeak and bounce he gets blasted by an airsoft gun. Bonus points for hitting face.
7. Pay some black crackheads to follow him home and rape him.

 

[MediocreMilt]

Sargon of Akkad

• at Applebees
• people aren't talking about Anita

MundaneMatt

• festive flags tacked to wall
• serve rock candy instead of cake
• karaoke machine doesn't have the Spice Girls
• shoe0nhead doesn't show up
• all of his friends show up
• no one came

Jeff Holiday

• no alcohol
• makes a fool of himself anyway

TonkaSaw

• take him to see wrestling
• venue not ADA-compliant

 

[hambeerlyingnreed]

Chantal

- Takes place outdoors at the top of a slight incline. No walls to lean on, and none of the guests offer her a seat.

- Several guests bring dogs, and the other guests compliment them on how cute they are. One of the dogs happens to be named "Sam" and the dogs human can't stand cats.

- Her sister is there, and all the guys compliment her, even though her face isn't painted up.

- No pickles or anything else that's pickled. No Arbys either. Food is actual vegan stuff and not fried fake chicken. When she looks sad about the food, the person who made it says "Oh; but I thought you were vegan?!"

 

[Munchma Quchi]

Lesbian slumber party for CWC.
No one shows up.

 

[Monolith]

Andrew Dobson:

• All the guests are gamer bros in their 20s.
• The only drinks served are alcoholic and flat.
  
• The guests continuously try to engage in conversation with him.
  
• The party is in a bright convention center with no wifi.
  
• Whenever Dobson gets political, gets sprayed with piss.
• The only way to move around inside the center is on a bike.
  
• To leave, Dobson must draw the Muslim vampire comic with art of the same or better quality as Berserk.

 

[JambledUpWords]

Glitterandlazers (fat fashion blogger)

• No alcohol
• Everyone at the party is fit
• Nowhere to sit down except for chairs that only fit a normal size person. Said chairs have armrests as well
• Glitter is told that party in 70s disco theme, party is actually upscale and black tie
• Men at the party give attention to all the other women except her
• The only food available is low carb and low sugar
• No sweets at the party
• Whenever she tries to talk about herself or her problems, nobody else will hear it
• She cannot leave the party until she loses 270 pounds