Proof that Catholicism is true -

Senior Lexmechanic

Shitposting displeases the Omnissiah
kiwifarms.net
Just because the YouTuber is shitty, doesn’t mean that all the footage he shows is. How do you explain the footage of the schoolchildren in Peru? Here is another source about the incident. https://mysteriousuniverse.org/2018/09/ouija-board-closes-peruvian-school-for-a-week/
Other articles from the same site.
New HD Video Of The Famous Bigfoot Sighting In 1967 Provides Even More Details
Woman Faints At Haunted Museum After Being Touched By Mysterious Orb
The “Fake” Roswell Alien Autopsy Video May Have Been Real

But sure, just because the source has a reputation for posting wild conspiracy theories and outright hoaxes doesn't mean it's not reliable or anything.
As for the Peruvian schoolchildren: mass hysteria. The very article the site links to characterizes it as exactly that. By this logic, the Mad Gasser of Mattoon was real as well.
Thirdly: plenty of other faiths besides Christianity believe that spirit boards can contact dark forces: Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, and Shinto all have similar beliefs. So even if we accepted your premise that a commercial product made to replicate a primitive form of divination and cash in on the spiritualism craze had dark powers, it would still be a very weak argument for Christianity being the truth, much less Catholic Christianity. Once again, your evangelism is on about the level of a heavily concussed Pat Robertson.
 

Jacob Harrison

Ultimate Catholic Anglo American
kiwifarms.net
Other articles from the same site.
New HD Video Of The Famous Bigfoot Sighting In 1967 Provides Even More Details
Woman Faints At Haunted Museum After Being Touched By Mysterious Orb
The “Fake” Roswell Alien Autopsy Video May Have Been Real

But sure, just because the source has a reputation for posting wild conspiracy theories and outright hoaxes doesn't mean it's not reliable or anything.
As for the Peruvian schoolchildren: mass hysteria. The very article the site links to characterizes it as exactly that. By this logic, the Mad Gasser of Mattoon was real as well.
Thirdly: plenty of other faiths besides Christianity believe that spirit boards can contact dark forces: Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, and Shinto all have similar beliefs. So even if we accepted your premise that a commercial product made to replicate a primitive form of divination and cash in on the spiritualism craze had dark powers, it would still be a very weak argument for Christianity being the truth, much less Catholic Christianity. Once again, your evangelism is on about the level of a heavily concussed Pat Robertson.
The article speculates that it could be mass hysteria but it does not make any conclusions. And it is theorized that the symptoms caused in Mattoon was caused by toxic waste from industrial plants.

The fact that demons fear holy water and priests can drive out demons in the name of Christ indicates that Catholicism is the true religion. Anyway, you said that your Catholic because you believe it is supported by evidence. If you don't believe that my evidence is sufficient, perhaps you can share the evidence that makes you believe, so that people can see the evidence and convert.
 

Senior Lexmechanic

Shitposting displeases the Omnissiah
kiwifarms.net
The article speculates that it could be mass hysteria but it does not make any conclusions. And it is theorized that the symptoms caused in Mattoon was caused by toxic waste from industrial plants.

The fact that demons fear holy water and priests can drive out demons in the name of Christ indicates that Catholicism is the true religion. Anyway, you said that your Catholic because you believe it is supported by evidence. If you don't believe that my evidence is sufficient, perhaps you can share the evidence that makes you believe, so that people can see the evidence and convert.
1. Alternative theories state that demons just fear sincere faith in anything. If you apply the kind of rigor you're using, sage and chanting sutras also drive out demons. Once again, this doesn't prove anything.
2. I never said that; I said that, going by reason, Buddhism is the "true" faith, because Buddhist metaphysics claim that extraordinary physical abilities are unlock on the path to enlightenment, and said extraordinary physical abilities (such as the ability to regulate one's heart rate, body temperature, and autonomic reactions consciously) have been scientifically documented in Buddhist monks. My reasons for being Catholic are because of family tradition, and because of reasons which are very personal to me and which I am not going to share on an internet forum.
In addition, I don't believe in the kind of tawdry side-show evangelism you practice; it cheapens the faith.
 

Locomotive Derangement

Random chance seems to have operated in our favor.
kiwifarms.net
Chapter 1 World War III

Ugh, why did I decide to do this? Formatting this is going to be a massive bitch.

“On the night before November 22, 2019, the 56th anniversary of the assassination of John F. Kennedy, Donald Trump had a dream where he saw Kennedy who said,

“It is the will of God that you became President to protect Christian’s rights in America and to stop the murder of infants.”
Yeah, sure. The missiles are flying. Hallelujah.

Everyone during their life sins. Like you, I committed adultery. I repented. So God sent me to tell you to repent as well and come into the true faith.
Did your literal fiancée post this article for you or was that some kind of deranged flowery language for your alt account?

This caused Trump to have an epiphany that Catholicism is the true faith. He therefore realized that divorce is a sin. So when he converted, a church tribunal did a ruling of his marriages. They ruled first marriage to Ivana to be null because she previously divorced. They ruled that his second marriage to Marla Maples was the valid marriage so his third marriage to Melania was therefore null. Donald and Melania were therefore given the option to separate or live as brother and sister. They choose the later so that Melania could continue being the First Lady.
As dumb as this is, this is completely in character with the highly arbitrary nature of the church’s annulment rulings. By the way, Iran is at war with us.

Saudi Arabia and the other Gulf Arab nations immediately joined the US in the war against Iran. Israel which was in conflict with the Iranian supported terrorist organization Hezbollah was pulled into the war.
I’m pretty sure it would mostly be Saudi Arabia and Israel who would be the first to leap to war, but even then I’m sure Saudi Arabia just sit on their hands and let us operate as the attack dog. Also, why is the hell would Oman, the UAE, Qatar or Bahrain possibly want to join this war? Kuwait at least borders Iran and Iraq is our melted puppet state but I’m pretty sure the little guys would want to stay out of an apocalyptic conflict like this.

Iran’s allies Russia and China intervened to defend Iran. Ukraine took advantage of Russia being in war and invaded the Crimean Peninsula. Ukraine’s ally Poland joined the war on Ukraine’s side. This caused other NATO countries to join the war. It was World War III.
Oh Lord. Last I checked neither of these countries are explicitly allied with Iran, and I will absolutely eat my hat if Russia and China ever cooperate on a damn thing. I’d put more money on one or the other throwing in against Iran to destroy it as much as possible and deny it to the enemy. Also, is Ukraine even in enough of one piece to actually start a war at this point? I rather doubt Poland has the clout to drag NATO unilaterally into the war, and on top of that I’m sure NATO would honeycomb with various countries that want to sit this one out for one reason or another. Freedom Fries would be back on the menu for sure.

Meanwhile, as many European cities including Rome were hit with air raids, Pope Pius XIII fled Rome and died soon afterward, fulfilling prophecy.
I severely doubt the United States and especially Russia have anything resembling the full nuclear capabilities they had at the height of the Cold War. Any general nuclear exchange would cause a lot of death and destruction but I don’t really see Russia wasting their functional stockpile on parts of Europe when we don’t live in a Fuldapocalypse world anymore.

This led to nuclear weapons to be used on all sides. Washington DC, many European countries, Russia, China, North and South Korea, India, and Pakistan ended up getting nuked. Turkey which had nuclear weapons from NATO, was able to blackmail non Muslim countries into submitting to their authority, and the Ottoman Empire was reestablished with President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan declaring himself to be the Ottoman Caliph. Christians and other non Muslims became second class citizens under Sharia Law.
Kim Jong Un would be grinning like an idiot if this conflict happened since he would get to hold on to his nukes and just invade South Korea the old-fashioned way. North Korea has a tremendous stockpile of conventional weaponry and would want to save any atomic weapons they have for as long as possible.

I’m impressed at your knowledge of obscure conspiracy theories here. I’m aware of this idea that the Turks want to re-establish the Ottoman Empire, but the Middle East would resist them to the death and more likely we would see an abject disillusion of all of the Sykes-Picot Agreement borders. It would be every nation-state for itself and complete chaos. Turkey would tear some chunks off for sure, but they would never be able to establish dominance of the entire region. Also, dumbass, the Ottoman were ruled by Sultans and never had a Caliph. Otherwise they would have been the Ottoman Caliphate.

Also, any nuclear sites existing in Turkey (these were removed in the Cuban Missile Crisis mostly because they were expensive and obsolete Atlas short-range devices) would be designated for attack by Russia considering they are poised right on top of Russia’s vital oil and natural gas infrastructure next to the Caspian sea in the Caucasus region. Even if Turkey sent Russia some kind of message claiming they were going to break off from NATO and keep the nukes for themselves; Russia would never believe them and would obliterate those sites as well as potentially moving in to provide aid to Syria.

Jacob Harrison knew that one day the Turks will be defeated and Christianity would triumph. In the meantime, he had to postpone his college degree in order to get a job as a janitor to provide for his family. His wife was pregnant.
I’m pretty sure a general state of emergency would have been declared and martial law would be in effect for years if not decades even with a limited amount nuclear exchange. Additionally, if the Turks were to be defeated by Christianity, the still largely Orthodox Russia would have even further incentive to stomp the shit out of this upstart empire.

On January 1 2021, the feast day of the Solemnity of Mary, the Holy Mother if God when Jacob and Pomme’s child was almost due, there was a knock at the door. Jacob opened it. There was a young man who looked around Jacob’s age. Jacob had no idea who he was.
I sure hope that child isn’t suffering any residual effects from fallout or heavy metal exposure. Not to mention the possibility what things like malnutrition (rationing from a breakdown of transported goods) could inflict.

“Jacob Harrison. The Virgin Mary and Saint Joan of Arc has led me here. There are important matters for us to discuss,” said the man. He had a British accent.
I’m gonna lay down a bet here and presume it’s never explained how this guy got a flight out of Europe before the bombs dropped. I can think of the reasonable explanation that he was studying at a university or working abroad, but I’m still betting that the story will never mention it.

Also, your literal foreign Doppleganger has now appeared in the story to address your main character. This is self-insertception. As much as I want this to be a troll, I've skimmed ahead a little and there is some exceptional stuff in here.

Attaching a raw cut and paste of the text because Archive is fucking up on me. (Can you post shit without an account on Pastebin?)
 

Attachments

Locomotive Derangement

Random chance seems to have operated in our favor.
kiwifarms.net
Chapter 2 The Great Visitors

I wonder if I'll make it through all 12 chapters before I get completely shitfaced.

“I am Henry of South Cadbury England. I am descended from Louis XVII of France, the son of the Holy Martyrs Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette. I am the prophesied King Henry of France that God revealed to Marie-Julie Jahenny.”
I had to look this one up. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marie_Julie_Jahenny This is a conspiracy theory based on the ranting of a crazy old lady in the late 1800s to early 1900s. Her predictions are mostly ridiculous or just stating the obvious (Gee, civil war in France? Just after the Franco-Prussian War and the Fall of France? You don’t say.)

I am the prophesied Great Monarch who will liberate Europe and restore fallen monarchies. As you know, after England’s last rightful king Richard II was overthrown, there was no legitimate male line Plantagenet heir who wasn’t excluded from the throne for being a traitor, so when I invade England and restore the rightful heirs to titles of nobility in England, the House of Commons and the House of Lords will elect me king. I will fulfill the prophecy of the one who will unite the lion with the white flower and will be given the sword Excalibur by the Lady of the Lake.

The other European kingdoms will elect me Holy Roman Emperor and I will be crowned by the Pope Peter II who was elected in exile after Pius XIII fled Rome.”
Uh, right then. This is like a shit Paradox mod given life. Those of you looking to collect evidence that this is an elaborate troll, you can chalk a point up on your side.

“I believe that. However how exactly will you win against the nation that has all the world’s nukes?” asked Jacob.
Good question. I presume God will supernaturally intervene. Surprisingly, we don't get the (direct) answer in this chapter. Our Catholicism sperg is capable of at least some suspense.

“The Virgin Mary told me that you will start the chain of events that will fulfill the prophecy. First your wife must be taken to safety in my secret hideout. Your son that she will soon give birth to will one day become one of my Knights. You will preach about me.”

“That will get my husband arrested or even killed! You are a fraud trying to get that to happen to him so that you can take me as your wife!” shouted Pomme.

“I knew you would think that,” said Henry. “Here is proof that I am doing a mission from God.”

Suddenly the apparition of a young woman appeared in the room.
This is just fucking stupid. Usually apparitions like this appear privately to certain chosen individuals, or they’ll appear at a desperate moment to intervene, or they’ll appear after the character being told the prophecy has expressed continuous doubts over a very long period of time and needs the ultimate proof. For the future Holy Roman Emperor, this tard must have zero charisma if he can’t even convince an already faithful man on his own and needs divine intervention at the first reasonable doubt expressed.

I’m aware he mentions that Joan of Arc (the apparition in question) led him there, but if she took the time to do that why didn’t she just do this all her damn self?

“Edward III made a peace treaty with France in 1360 when he renounced his claim to the French throne in exchange for getting the territory of Aquitaine. Then France violated the treaty in 1369 forcing Edward III to resume his claims.

In 1396, Richard II of England made a truce with France and was working towards a permanent peace. That would have happened, had Richard not been overthrown by his cousin who became the false king Henry IV.

Henry V of England violated the truce and resumed war and he committed atrocities in Rouen. So God chose me to help save France.”
This is all technically true but glosses over a very long and complicated conflict known as the FUCKING HUNDRED YEARS WAR. The very conflict that laid bare all of the massive flaws with the feudalistic way of running society. England experienced numerous rebellions and coup attempts during this period precisely because their generals and other nobles would take to the battlefield to settle personal disputes. This general chaos also often encouraged leaders to be opportunistic and seize power quite a bit like Henry IV did. These are flaws inherent in this system.

Henry V did rather opportunistically supercede the treaty and the fighting during this final phase of the war was some of the bloodiest Europe had ever seen. That much is correct, though it’s not like Edward III’s peace treaty at Brétigny was going to last. There were numerous border skirmishes and in general the Guyennese possessions of England were at a disadvantage compared to the far more populated and resource-rich realms of northern France. The French were going to try and retake those territories sooner or later and I’m sure Henry V took to war at least partly to pacify what he saw as a dangerous foe.

The apparition caused Pomme to immediately convert to Catholicism.

“I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior,” she said.
Those in favor of the trolling theory may want to take this one as evidence, but I dunno. I've met some real religious lunatics in my time. Anyway, in addition to this being stupid it leaves me confused. Why did our intrepid Catholic hero marry an infidel without first convincing her to convert?

So ends Chapter 2. I regret all the descisions I made to get me here. @Jacob Harrison your shit is so awful it makes me want to repent but simultaneously proves to me that there is no God.
 

Jacob Harrison

Ultimate Catholic Anglo American
kiwifarms.net
Chapter 2 The Great Visitors

I wonder if I'll make it through all 12 chapters before I get completely shitfaced.



I had to look this one up. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marie_Julie_Jahenny This is a conspiracy theory based on the ranting of a crazy old lady in the late 1800s to early 1900s. Her predictions are mostly ridiculous or just stating the obvious (Gee, civil war in France? Just after the Franco-Prussian War and the Fall of France? You don’t say.)



Uh, right then. This is like a shit Paradox mod given life. Those of you looking to collect evidence that this is an elaborate troll, you can chalk a point up on your side.



Good question. I presume God will supernaturally intervene. Surprisingly, we don't get the (direct) answer in this chapter. Our Catholicism sperg is capable of at least some suspense.



This is just fucking stupid. Usually apparitions like this appear privately to certain chosen individuals, or they’ll appear at a desperate moment to intervene, or they’ll appear after the character being told the prophecy has expressed continuous doubts over a very long period of time and needs the ultimate proof. For the future Holy Roman Emperor, this tard must have zero charisma if he can’t even convince an already faithful man on his own and needs divine intervention at the first reasonable doubt expressed.

I’m aware he mentions that Joan of Arc (the apparition in question) led him there, but if she took the time to do that why didn’t she just do this all her damn self?



This is all technically true but glosses over a very long and complicated conflict known as the FUCKING HUNDRED YEARS WAR. The very conflict that laid bare all of the massive flaws with the feudalistic way of running society. England experienced numerous rebellions and coup attempts during this period precisely because their generals and other nobles would take to the battlefield to settle personal disputes. This general chaos also often encouraged leaders to be opportunistic and seize power quite a bit like Henry IV did. These are flaws inherent in this system.

Henry V did rather opportunistically supercede the treaty and the fighting during this final phase of the war was some of the bloodiest Europe had ever seen. That much is correct, though it’s not like Edward III’s peace treaty at Brétigny was going to last. There were numerous border skirmishes and in general the Guyennese possessions of England were at a disadvantage compared to the far more populated and resource-rich realms of northern France. The French were going to try and retake those territories sooner or later and I’m sure Henry V took to war at least partly to pacify what he saw as a dangerous foe.



Those in favor of the trolling theory may want to take this one as evidence, but I dunno. I've met some real religious lunatics in my time. Anyway, in addition to this being stupid it leaves me confused. Why did our intrepid Catholic hero marry an infidel without first convincing her to convert?

So ends Chapter 2. I regret all the descisions I made to get me here. @Jacob Harrison your shit is so awful it makes me want to repent but simultaneously proves to me that there is no God.
You may like the later chapters when my grandson Jacob III goes on a great adventure and the Battle of Armageddon happens.
 

Locomotive Derangement

Random chance seems to have operated in our favor.
kiwifarms.net
Chapter 3 Prophecy Fulfilled

And so, Jacob made a YouTube video about the Great Monarch titled, The Great Monarch is coming.

“I was visited by the Great Monarch of Catholic prophecy and Saint Joan of Arc. He told me to make this video to start a chain of events that will fulfill the prophecy. Turkey is a nuclear superpower, but this YouTube video will miraculously lead to its fall. The Great Monarch will liberate America, Europe and the Holy Land and rebuild the Church of Hagia Sophia. All hail King Henry and Pope Peter II!”

The video became viral. Jacob was arrested and brought to the nearest base where he was interrogated. They attempted to get him to reveal the location of the secret hideout through torture. He did not give in, so he was executed. This will be important later in the story.
This, again, is where I demur on whether or not this is an elaborate troll. There are some real nutters out there who assume making a religious Youtube video go viral is somehow an easy feat. I’m pretty sure the algorithm is a tool of the devil. Flat-out breaking the narration and telling the audience “This will be important later in the story” would be an impressive touch for a troll though. That's much more a sign of inexperienced writing.

Pomme gave birth to Jacob Harrison Jr. on January 20, 2021. The childbirth caused her to fall ill and since World War III caused a major loss in doctors and medical technology, she joined her husband in purgatory. Jacob Harrison Jr. was therefore adopted by the Great Monarch Henry.
This is the most exceptional soap opera I’ve ever read. Props to acknowledging that a fucking nuclear war would lead to an increased rate of death in childbirth. Meanwhile, Jacob Jr. is probably a tard baby due to the radiation. You're a Britfag or Britfag lover OP, you ever seen the movie Threads?


In 2034, General Zekai Aksakallı, a secret convert to Catholicism who was ordained into the clergy had his forces launch attacks destroying all of Turkey’s nuclear weapons which finally allowed the conquered Americans and Europeans to rebel.

Henry began the rebellion in America. He restored the United States and then his army crossed over into Europe. It was World War IV.
Wait, what the fuck? Yeah, in addition to conquering all of the Middle East, the Ottoman Not A Caliphate apparently instituted Eurabia and seized control of the USA. Even if this is a troll fic, step up your game man, you didn’t even mention the Fall of the USA other than “ww3 dun gone happened”. I wonder where largely Catholic South America is in all of this, you’d think Brazil would be having a field day Deus Vulting the Middle East.

Also worth noting that Zekai fellow is a real Turkish military commander who has been involved in recent conflicts. I feel like there’s an internet meme or conspiracy theory here that I’m not aware of, since I have no idea why he was picked to be the turncoat in particular.

He restored rightful monarchy in Europe and the rightful nobility in England and became King of France, England, and Holy Roman Emperor and was given Excalibur by the Lady of the Lake.
Really tedious repetitions like this are one of the things that makes me inclined to believe this is a sincere piece written by a person with dissociative problems. I see inexperienced writers unironically pull this shit all the time.

When Jacob Jr. turned 16, he began fighting in the battles, with the mystic sword Arondight given to him by the Lady of the Lake.
This is the sword of Lancelot according to legend, for the uninitiated. Before anyone gives this fic credit for that, be aware the sword shows up in everything from the Witcher universe to (surprise) Sonic the Hedgehog.

https://sonic.fandom.com/wiki/Arondight It has several spellings so I guess its telling that this one matches up. I’m starting to lean more towards this being a troll fic that I was too drunk to notice. Whatever, I’m still awake so let’s keep this up.

By 2038, Constantinople and the Holy Land were liberated. The Pope held the Third Vatican Council which repealed all the reforms of the Second Vatican Council and restored the Tridentine Mass. Jacob Harrison was also canonized as a Saint.

On April 22, 2038, Peter II died.

Then from Good Friday to Easter 2038, there was the prophesied 3 Days of Darkness where the world became dark and God punished mankind. Around 1/4 of mankind heeded the supernatural warning that came on February 7, 2038. They lit blessed candles and took shelter inside their homes which they sprinkled with Holy Water as protection from demons.

The rest of mankind perished due to the pestilence in the air and the demons that roamed the Earth with an exception of a few who were soon converted.
Wow, as if everyone didn’t already have enough to worry about. You know, as an aspiring fantasy writer myself, this really makes me wish this pile of crap was a more serious take on the Jesus-empowered reincarnation of Fighting Jack Churchill hacking up demons, mutants and bandits with an enchanted medieval sword in a post-apocalyptic Europe. We get something like this later on. Its not as cool as it looked in my head.

On the morning after Easter, the sun finally rose again. It was the Age of Mary, an era of peace for the world. Saints Peter and Paul came down from heaven and chose Zekai Aksakallı as Pope Peter III. Then came the Fourth Vatican Council, the greatest ecumenical Council ever which defined every doctrine such as Limbo for unbaptized infants and gave the correct interpretations of scripture.
I presume he changed his name during his baptism. You’d think a Catholic would want to make more obvious note of that.

Jacob Harrison Jr. married in 2039 and had a daughter called Anne born on October 1 2039 and then a son called Jacob Harrison III born on July 13 2040.

Anne later became a nun and Jacob III became a knight.
I’m not really sure why we needed that timeskip but whatever. I want to cave and call this a well-done troll fic but there’s more of this tardedness to come.
 

TendieMan

Inflammatory Drive-by
kiwifarms.net
Always thought this guy was exceptional, but not THIS goddamn exceptional. And if this is a troll, thanks for the entertainment.
 

Locomotive Derangement

Random chance seems to have operated in our favor.
kiwifarms.net
Chapter 4 Jeopardy of a Fellow

Ugh God what the fuck am I doing with my life. We have a change of pace here though. One would think OP would have rather wanted to write a fantasy setting than whatever that abomination above was.

I’m going to be really tone-deaf to troll fic elements here if there are any since I was not a Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts kid at all. If there are a bunch of JRPG memes I’m going to miss like, almost all of then.

It was morning on April 26, 2063, the 25th anniversary of the beginning of the Age of Peace. The 22 year old Knight Jacob Harrison III, the holder of the mystic sword Arondight was in the gardens of the Great Monarch’s palace in Constantinople picking vegetables as there was barely any wars in this age.

There he saw a small humanoid with wings flying about the garden.

Jacob III had never seen a fairy before, but he knew well enough to know this was one of them. "Little fairy, what are you doing out here?"
I liked the idea of a post-apocalyptic movie filled with demons and fantasy creatures more when it was called Wizards.

Jacob III had never seen a fairy before, but he knew well enough to know this was one of them. "Little fairy, what are you doing out here?"

The fairy flew over to him. "It's terrible Mr. Knight! The Fairies have been attacked in our forest by the old god Pales, who wants to harvest our energy to return him to prominence!"

“Old God? There is no god but Yahweh,” replied Jacob III.
Right dipshit, and fairies are mentioned all the time in the Bible. Then again, this is a Catholic wank setting. Jacob III probably isn’t allowed to read the Bible himself. Also, aren’t those things extremely bad news to dick around with in traditional folklore? If I had to accept the light for any reason it’d probably be so some monster doesn’t turn my kid into a goblin when they’re out playing in the woods.

Pales is an obscure Roman deity relating to shepherding.

I will clarify,” said the fairy. “The old gods are not real gods. They are powerful shape-shifting aliens who got ancient peoples in your world to worship them which gives them psychic energy. They lost their prominence in your world when monotheism spread.”

"Can you bring me to this forest of yours? I'd like to help you fight off Pales!" Jacob III said with a smile.

The fairy took great heart of this, and motioned in front of him, creating a larger than normal gateway, "A long time ago, we brought our sacred forest into another dimension, for safe keeping! Please don't tell anyone here about it..."
Don’t do it bro, I know how these stories end. Also, aliens? Really? I was under the impression traditional religion and theories of alien life weren’t supposed to mix. I’m aware there was that offhand comment by some Pope or other than if the human race discovered alien life they’d be happy to go forth and blesserize them but I figured that was just made out of politeness.

Jacob III replied, "You have my word, my lips are sealed."

The fairy danced about in the air, and said, "Ohh thank you so much Mr. Knight! Tamerin is going to be sooo happy!"

With that both the fairy and Jacob III went into the dimensional doorway, which closed off behind them.

---------
We get a break here. Truthfully the story could probably use more of them, it’s an unfocused mess. Also, missed opportunity to swap out an obviously sci-fi term for a more fantastic one like Fairy Ring.

In the Fairy Forest, Jacob III was immediately assaulted by the smell of burning wood. Numerous large humanoid creatures were carrying around torches, the trees here burning, but never quite ending up totally destroyed or damaged beyond repair.

Jacob III did not even listen to the cries of the fairy to be careful, splitting one of these vile marauders in two in one swing of Arondight.

Two others closed in, only to be cut through with almost casual ease by the sword Arondight, one after the other.

Each foe seemed to dissolve into dust upon being vanquished, and Jacob III eventually turned to look at the fairy after he was sure the fighting was halted for now. "What...are those things? I don't think they're humans..."
Dude, your Dad lived through an era where demons smote 3/4ths of the population. Jacob III should have shouted out something like “Begone Satan!” before hacking away, that would have been a much less idiotic way to trigger this exposition. Besides, the fairy already told him Pales was from a race of aliens (assuming Jacob III even understands the idea of life on other worlds. Or heliocentrism).

I’m pretty sure the story is really beneath a twist like this, but if I were writing something like this I’d absolutely have the fairies be deserving of getting their shit set on fire and the friendly one is just using our human chump here as muscle. I’ll give a round of applause if this occurs later.

The fairy answered, "Pales brought those things with him. He called them Lesser Titans - he ordered them to burn the forest...I've...I've never seen anyone handle them as well as you did."

There was a sound of blades clashing, and Jacob III immediately ran off to the sounds of fighting, seeing a young boy fending off easily five of the Lesser Titans, these ones wielding blades instead of mere torches.

The boy was covered with shallow wounds, including one on his cheek, having dark hair and blue eyes, clothed in a large jacket with a hood and slacks. What caught Jacob III’s attention about him was the presence of a floating spear / sword hybrid. The sword spear had a large blade with a long handle.

The floating blade whirred through the air and countered each strike extremely quickly, the young boy coordinating the blade with his hands.
This is what I mean about the JRPG shit. I have zero idea if this is an obvious lift from some weeb shit. It sounds like weeb shit to me. The vague term “Lesser Titans” also sounds like weeb shit, since these minions are already quite different from the Greek depiction. They also sound like they suck at fighting if this weeb kid can hold off five of them with a random drop from Monster Hunter with very mild wounds.

When one of the Lesser Titans slipped through, Jacob III acted, quick as lightning - sending a bolt straight from his sword at the Lesser Titan, frying the monster on contact. Moving through the new opening, the boy and Jacob III put their backs up against one another, and asked, "Mind telling me how you do that trick with the spear?"
Look, either have the dude act as quick as lightning and pounce in, or have him just use the lightning bolt attack. Taken literally, saying he acted as quick as lightning using his lightning bolt is like a bad pun. Score another one for the troll counter. Also, come on, I don’t remember an enchanted blade in Christian mythology being able to fire lightning bolts. Hell, our hero has God on his side. How about he can use the sword to say, call down lightning from the sky instead. A lot more dramatic and Biblical that way.

The boy ruminated aloud, "...don't think you're one of the fairies, guess Miru brought a Knight in. How about I tell you after we fight off these clunkers?"

Jacob III simply nodded and fended off a swing from one of the Titans, followed by the sword spear flying in and slicing through the Lesser Titan.

The floating weapon then deflected an attack aimed at the boy, which Jacob III took advantage of to blast the Lesser Titan into a nearby lake.

The spear then glowed and turned into about eighty flying miniature versions of itself that ripped through one of the Lesser Titans mid-attempt at a sneak attack, reassembling into the main form.

Jacob III then finished off the last one with a skewering attack that was followed up by slashing up and out the shoulder area. He then turned and looked at the boy. The boy’s spear then produced what looked like a droplet of odd golden water, which the boy applied to his hand. The shallow wounds by and large healed, leaving Jacob III marveling at a truly multi-purpose arsenal in one weapon.
This is a mildly competent attempt at a fight scene I suppose. It’s very showy though, and says less about the skill of the character and more about the abilities of the weapon. Pretty common stumbling point. The idea of a weapon having a healing component may sound overpowered, but I don’t immediately hate it. Kind of reminds me of survival knives that have a compartment in the handle where you can store a pinch of extra supplies. Its again very showy though.

Also, did anyone catch that? Clunkers. So are these things mechanical or what?

Jacob is taking this in rather well for a guy who is supposed to believe there’s no God but Yahweh and that magic isn’t real. Yes, I’m fully aware of decades of rumination from the likes of people like Tolkien, CS Lewis and even GK Chesterton on the idea of Christianity and fantasy elements being compatible, but here it’s so blatant that you’d expect Jacob III to be at least a little standoffish about the origin of this stranger’s powers.

The boy promptly brought his weapon over to him, and stated, "Well, fighting those things off proves you're not one of Pales' goons. Little Miru probably mentioned me - I'm Tamerin, the current Fairy King."

Jacob III looked the younger man up and down - he barely looked fourteen, and a small bemused look came to his face, "...Pretty short for a King..."
Wow, what a dick. Given the average size of a fairy, I’m impressed their King isn’t small enough to fit in a breadbox. I checked up on those two names briefly. Didn’t find anything right away. Again, I smell weeb shit, but I guess I’m gonna have to stop harping on that. Clearly the author has a vision here

Tamerin glowered at him, "I could still hit my growth spurt! Don't laugh!...haah...dammit." He then sighed, and looked around, "...much as I'd like to settle that matter, we have to focus on defeating Pales."

Jacob III nodded - for a little guy, he could definitely respect Tamerin's tenacity and dedication to his people. "...then let's continue, Tam. Speaking of names, my name's Jacob Harrison III the grandson of Saint Jacob Harrison."

Before long it looked like they found the camp Pales was using, guarded by far more of the Lesser Titans than prior.

Jacob III looked over at Tam confidently, and at the number of the Lesser Titans involved, "I'll take the ten on the left."

Tam bantered back at him, "Aww, and I thought the ten on the left looked pretty good...I guess I'll take the ten on the right then."
Could have had a scene of them walking through the woods. Show us the devastation maybe? Give us some exposition on how things got so bad if Tamerin is such a dangerous opponent? No? Fine then, how about a little recon? This is the base camp of a set of alien minions. What kind of weird defenses do they have? Do they have any symbols? Is the camp laid out and organized perfectly because they have no will of their own? Is this just an outpost or something a lot bigger? If this even worth attacking? A little more detail perhaps?

The two then charged in as the Lesser Titans rushed at them.
Guess not.

Jacob III accentuated his movement with lightning, slashing and crashing through the numerous Lesser Titans, his sword at every impact setting loose the crash of thunder. He let loose a tremendous hammer of lightning down on a whole group of the Lesser Titans, constantly moving out of their reach just moments before an attack would connect.

Tam had a few more problems with them - he needed to keep them off of him, owing to the fact he did not have such armor or abilities. He cursed under his breath and sliced through two of the Lesser Titans, followed by skewering one coming for him from behind right through the spinal column.

Turning his spear into its eighty darts form let him form what amounted to a flying swarm of blades, cutting down more of the Lesser Titans, but this had its obvious downsides. He needed to call it back together to defend him from another sword swing from a Lesser Titan.
It seems Jacob can indeed call down lightning with his sword. Admittedly the idea of there being a thunderclap every time the sword connects a blow is a lot more entertaining than it just being another sword that can shoot beams like its bloody Zelda or something.

Is there a particular reason why a lethal field of flechettes around you isn’t infinitely more useful than just a sword, Tam? The scene makes a big deal about Tamerin being poorly armored and ill-equipped, but you’d think he wouldn’t need much else if his enemies can’t close in on him anyway. Could have solved this by inserting a line about how the flechettes aren’t strong enough to kill the Titans, but it clearly says he cuts a few down as they try to gang up on him. Why can’t he just keep the field up the whole time during battle? Does he need a mana potion? Does the thing need batteries?

Finally though, he cut through the last few on his end, and noted it seemed Jacob III got done a bit faster.

All that remained now, it seemed...was Pales, in one of the clearings just past that little encampment.
So evidently this encampment was everything the enemy had. The battle could have been a little more exciting if the camp had some geography our heroes had to maneuver around, unless it’s literally just a bunch of enemies sitting around a camp fire roasting a pig or something. We’ll never know, because we never had an idea of what the camp looked like in the first place.

This bit was written completely differently from the rest. Either this is what OP wanted to write in the first place, or this is lifted from some bad fan-fiction site somewhere. Pretty dick move if it’s the latter. But at the same time, I have no better explanation for why a story about the End Times suddenly decides to cut to weeb fanfiction out of nowhere. @Jacob Harrison might want to interject here otherwise I'm probably gonna admit that I got trolled and slink off.
 

Jacob Harrison

Ultimate Catholic Anglo American
kiwifarms.net
Chapter 4 Jeopardy of a Fellow

Ugh God what the fuck am I doing with my life. We have a change of pace here though. One would think OP would have rather wanted to write a fantasy setting than whatever that abomination above was.

I’m going to be really tone-deaf to troll fic elements here if there are any since I was not a Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts kid at all. If there are a bunch of JRPG memes I’m going to miss like, almost all of then.



I liked the idea of a post-apocalyptic movie filled with demons and fantasy creatures more when it was called Wizards.



Right dipshit, and fairies are mentioned all the time in the Bible. Then again, this is a Catholic wank setting. Jacob III probably isn’t allowed to read the Bible himself. Also, aren’t those things extremely bad news to dick around with in traditional folklore? If I had to accept the light for any reason it’d probably be so some monster doesn’t turn my kid into a goblin when they’re out playing in the woods.

Pales is an obscure Roman deity relating to shepherding.



Don’t do it bro, I know how these stories end. Also, aliens? Really? I was under the impression traditional religion and theories of alien life weren’t supposed to mix. I’m aware there was that offhand comment by some Pope or other than if the human race discovered alien life they’d be happy to go forth and blesserize them but I figured that was just made out of politeness.



We get a break here. Truthfully the story could probably use more of them, it’s an unfocused mess. Also, missed opportunity to swap out an obviously sci-fi term for a more fantastic one like Fairy Ring.



Dude, your Dad lived through an era where demons smote 3/4ths of the population. Jacob III should have shouted out something like “Begone Satan!” before hacking away, that would have been a much less idiotic way to trigger this exposition. Besides, the fairy already told him Pales was from a race of aliens (assuming Jacob III even understands the idea of life on other worlds. Or heliocentrism).

I’m pretty sure the story is really beneath a twist like this, but if I were writing something like this I’d absolutely have the fairies be deserving of getting their shit set on fire and the friendly one is just using our human chump here as muscle. I’ll give a round of applause if this occurs later.



This is what I mean about the JRPG shit. I have zero idea if this is an obvious lift from some weeb shit. It sounds like weeb shit to me. The vague term “Lesser Titans” also sounds like weeb shit, since these minions are already quite different from the Greek depiction. They also sound like they suck at fighting if this weeb kid can hold off five of them with a random drop from Monster Hunter with very mild wounds.



Look, either have the dude act as quick as lightning and pounce in, or have him just use the lightning bolt attack. Taken literally, saying he acted as quick as lightning using his lightning bolt is like a bad pun. Score another one for the troll counter. Also, come on, I don’t remember an enchanted blade in Christian mythology being able to fire lightning bolts. Hell, our hero has God on his side. How about he can use the sword to say, call down lightning from the sky instead. A lot more dramatic and Biblical that way.



This is a mildly competent attempt at a fight scene I suppose. It’s very showy though, and says less about the skill of the character and more about the abilities of the weapon. Pretty common stumbling point. The idea of a weapon having a healing component may sound overpowered, but I don’t immediately hate it. Kind of reminds me of survival knives that have a compartment in the handle where you can store a pinch of extra supplies. Its again very showy though.

Also, did anyone catch that? Clunkers. So are these things mechanical or what?

Jacob is taking this in rather well for a guy who is supposed to believe there’s no God but Yahweh and that magic isn’t real. Yes, I’m fully aware of decades of rumination from the likes of people like Tolkien, CS Lewis and even GK Chesterton on the idea of Christianity and fantasy elements being compatible, but here it’s so blatant that you’d expect Jacob III to be at least a little standoffish about the origin of this stranger’s powers.



Wow, what a dick. Given the average size of a fairy, I’m impressed their King isn’t small enough to fit in a breadbox. I checked up on those two names briefly. Didn’t find anything right away. Again, I smell weeb shit, but I guess I’m gonna have to stop harping on that. Clearly the author has a vision here



Could have had a scene of them walking through the woods. Show us the devastation maybe? Give us some exposition on how things got so bad if Tamerin is such a dangerous opponent? No? Fine then, how about a little recon? This is the base camp of a set of alien minions. What kind of weird defenses do they have? Do they have any symbols? Is the camp laid out and organized perfectly because they have no will of their own? Is this just an outpost or something a lot bigger? If this even worth attacking? A little more detail perhaps?



Guess not.



It seems Jacob can indeed call down lightning with his sword. Admittedly the idea of there being a thunderclap every time the sword connects a blow is a lot more entertaining than it just being another sword that can shoot beams like its bloody Zelda or something.

Is there a particular reason why a lethal field of flechettes around you isn’t infinitely more useful than just a sword, Tam? The scene makes a big deal about Tamerin being poorly armored and ill-equipped, but you’d think he wouldn’t need much else if his enemies can’t close in on him anyway. Could have solved this by inserting a line about how the flechettes aren’t strong enough to kill the Titans, but it clearly says he cuts a few down as they try to gang up on him. Why can’t he just keep the field up the whole time during battle? Does he need a mana potion? Does the thing need batteries?



So evidently this encampment was everything the enemy had. The battle could have been a little more exciting if the camp had some geography our heroes had to maneuver around, unless it’s literally just a bunch of enemies sitting around a camp fire roasting a pig or something. We’ll never know, because we never had an idea of what the camp looked like in the first place.

This bit was written completely differently from the rest. Either this is what OP wanted to write in the first place, or this is lifted from some bad fan-fiction site somewhere. Pretty dick move if it’s the latter. But at the same time, I have no better explanation for why a story about the End Times suddenly decides to cut to weeb fanfiction out of nowhere. @Jacob Harrison might want to interject here otherwise I'm probably gonna admit that I got trolled and slink off.
I admit that this chapter is written differently because it was borrowed from another person's story where I only changed the name of the knight to Jacob III. This is because my story is a revision of his story because I discovered that his version is offensive to God because his version is based off of the blasphemous video game SMT IV Apocalypse.
 
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Locomotive Derangement

Random chance seems to have operated in our favor.
kiwifarms.net
I admit that this chapter is written differently because it was borrowed from another person's story where I only changed the name of the knight to Jacob III. This is because my story is a revision of his story because I discovered that his version is offensive to God because his version is based off of the blasphemous video game SMT IV Apocalypse.
Well played, I concede to your trolling. RIP to the poor unsuspecting bastard who's story I was unwittingly critiquing. I'm done here Kiwis, i know it was just getting good, but I'm not gonna be a dick and shit on what is obviously some ten year old's unrelated weeb fiction.
 
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Jacob Harrison

Ultimate Catholic Anglo American
kiwifarms.net
Well played, I concede to your trolling. RIP to the poor unsuspecting bastard who's story I was unwittingly critiquing. I'm done here Kiwis, i know it was just getting good, but I'm not gonna be a dick and shit on what is obviously some ten year old's unrelated weeb fiction.
The thing is, the person who wrote the original story on Fstdt Forums wrote it for the purpose of pissing on me. He didn't finish his story but he was planning to have me as a character and have bad things happen to me. You don't have to worry about shitting on him because he is a 28 year old guy who brags about being a macho sexy chad who has sex with many women including cheating wives. Besides, only chapters 4, 5, and 6 are completely copied from his version.
 
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Reactions: Senior Lexmechanic

FitBitch

Kiss the gorl
kiwifarms.net
Well played, I concede to your trolling. RIP to the poor unsuspecting bastard who's story I was unwittingly critiquing. I'm done here Kiwis, i know it was just getting good, but I'm not gonna be a dick and shit on what is obviously some ten year old's unrelated weeb fiction.
You tried, that's all we could ask for.
 

Locomotive Derangement

Random chance seems to have operated in our favor.
kiwifarms.net
The thing is, the person who wrote the original story on Fstdt Forums wrote it for the purpose of pissing on me. He didn't finish his story but he was planning to have me as a character and have bad things happen to me. You don't have to worry about shitting on him because he is a 28 year old guy who brags about being a macho sexy chad who has sex with many women including cheating wives. Besides, only chapters 4, 5, and 6 are completely copied from his version.
Is he the one currently also attempting a Lets Read on the FSTDT forums?
 

FitBitch

Kiss the gorl
kiwifarms.net
@Jacob Harrison I stumbled upon this thread today and I couldn't help but notice most of your "proof" that Catholicism is the true faith comes from large groups of people beginning to behave differently than expected because of an event. I have to wonder if you've cross-examined your evidence with other instences of hysteria religious or not, and seen that they were similar? (I.e. the Salem Witch Trials or the Dancing Plague of 1518 ). You can believe whatever you want I generally stay out of people's business about that but if you want to convert a group of people, using evidence that has examples outside of Catholicism is a really poor way to be convincing.
 
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