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cruising the information superhighway
True & Honest Fan
One of my eyes has terrible long-distance vision and the other is normal. I never knew I needed glasses for that until recently, because when I was a kid doing archery at martial arts camp, they said to close one eye and use your “dominant eye” to aim. I thought that meant the non-blurry eye and that was how everyone else’s vision worked, too.

Basketball Jones
Years ago in Community College...

I convinced a Baptist girl named Brandi that every woman is born with “teeth” in her vagina and that the biological purpose was to latch onto the penis during sex so that they couldn’t pull out during sex. I insisted that they’re no longer needed so most women opt to have them removed, and some mothers just have their daughter’s “teeth” shaved down or completely removed at birth.

Bless her heart....she was the kind of girl who believed you got pregnant from kissing and that dancing was a sin. So she believed me when I told her me and another girl still had ours. (I might have also bullshited something about the Latin translation for labia minora being “tiny mouth”). But she was so convinced she scheduled her first gyno appointment, and would have gone had some other girl not felt bad for her and spoiled the fun. Surprisingly, she thought it was funny and commended me on being so convincing (lolhardly).

Less than a year later the movie TEETH came out and it was too perfect.

We had a girl that hung around us named Valerie and she was basically an otherkin before otherkin were a thing. She believed she could talk to anime characters, and I humored her crazy in high school because I felt bad for her. And that was literally the extent of our friendship—she was legit insane, and I was nice to her and waved at “Kurama” or “Vincent” whenever she announced they were “around.”

I really can’t stress that there was a lot of untreated mental illness with this girl. She wasn’t dangerous, she was just flighty and off in her own world. I’m pretty sure, in hindsight, she was on a spectrum. I digress..

She announces to us her online boyfriend that she met on a Digimon RP forum is coming to Louisiana from Pennsylvania on a bus. Good for them, I guess. Nope. She failed to mention until he was an hour outside city limits that he didn’t have a place to stay and was trying to get him a place to couch crash at anyone’s apartment, house, parents’ house, it didn’t matter. She got upset when no one wanted to house a stranger, and walked away in a huff with her imaginary friends in tow.

Apparently, we had all gotten different parts of the same story, and she just never thought to fill in the blanks. So while she’s gone we piece it together. Turns out she met the dude online and they “dated” for a couple of years, he was 24, jobless, and wasn’t looking to stay the weekend—he was moving down here quite suddenly. Valerie’s plan was to have someone house him until he found a job and then he’d pay rent and apparently just be their new roommate. The only reason he was coming in was because her mom was in the hospital and he was a “nice guy.” I don’t remember what did it, but something signaled in my head that this could be someone taking advantage of Valerie in a moment of weakness and confusion.

I pulled her over for some girl-talk and broke it to her gently that we weren’t being mean, it just wasn’t possible for any of us to house him for an u determined amount of time(I had to briefly explain how some people could get in trouble with their landlords and how paying rent worked also because she really didn’t get why he couldn’t just sleep on the couch without paying rent for months). She understood and I told her we would help find him a hotel he could stay at so they could hang out for a couple of nights before he went home. She seemed okay with this idea.

This was a choice made under the impression he brought money with him... We soon found out he didn’t and by this point all our red flag alarms were going off... she went to class, expecting her boyfriend to be back when it was done, and we all began worriedly talking about what we were going to do.

We figured at the very least, we’d buy him a bus ride home on a Greyhound as a treat to Valerie—again, her mom was in the hospital because of an aneurysm and the prognosis was grim...(spoiler: she died that week). But first, we had to gauge this dude.

Maybe he was some hapless doof that just made a hasty choice without thinking because he wanted to be a good guy...or maybe he was a mooch looking to mooch off a vulnerable and very socially maladaptive woman who was stuck mentally between age 9-12... We didn’t know this dude even existed until that day and it felt dicey. So, being the most..uhh..daring?...abrasive...crass (the token asshole) of the group, I was nominated to talk to him when he walked into the sitting area. I agreed to do it, but only if someone gave me a sharpie and a piece of cardboard for “contingency.”

A few minutes later, in stomps this 6’2” 400lb, greasy looking dude with long, stringy hair that framed his fat, puffy a blow-out Severus Snape. Pretty sure his shirt was stained. He was a fedora away from looking like a Reddit Athiest... He walked over to us and asked if we knew Valerie and I took my cue.

His voice was way higher than I assumed it would be. I remember that surprised me, and didn’t at the same time...I chatted casually with him for a moment and asked how they met, how long they dated, what made him come down...I was trying to feel him out before asking the hard questions like where the fuck he planned on staying. He didn’t impress initially. He heard her mom was in the hospital and Valerie kinda-sorta invited him by accident (I think she offhandedly said “I’m lonely” or “I wish you lived here”)and he just dropped everything to come down and then expected shit to be set up and ready for him on arrival. He then segues from that answer to turn back towards everyone else and ask, “so, who am I staying with?” followed by a cheeky grin.

Oh. So he was a mooch after all... welp Plan B:

“Yeah about that...who’s idea was that?”

“Oh mine! I figured it wouldn’t be any trouble if I just crashed on someone’s couch.”

“Uh-huh...for how long?”

He shrugged.

“I see...don’t you think that’s kind of rude?”


“Well I mean..we don’t know you...and you can’t just invite yourself into people’s homes, dude. Like, what if you’re an axe-murderer?”

“Haha, do I look like an axe-murderer?”

“Do you want me to answer that honestly?”

He gets a bit ruffled at this sarcastic comment. Like, his cheeky grin drops and he goes totally rigid. I decided at this moment I didn’t like how he was looking at me (and the occasional skeevy looks I saw him casting at the few other girls in our clique), and that it was time to drop my nuke. If anything, ol’ boy was about to learn that life isn’t easy and isn’t always handed to you.

“So we can’t house you indefinitely, dude. We all have jobs, bills, class, and, to be frank, you aren’t inspiring any confidence that you’re trustworthy. I offense, but you’re a big guy and did you actually expect us to house and FEED you until you got a job?”

“I don’t have any money,” His said in an almost threatening manner.

“Yeah. Shoulda planned for that. My advice: find a hotel and see if Valerie or her dad can put you up for the weekend, then hop a bus home. Plan better before you decide to go cross-country mooching on your online girlfriend’s friends. And if all else fails and you decide you have to stay without a JOB...”

I brandished my sharpie and square of cardboard and offered it at him, “there’s an overpass about 5 miles over that gets pretty good traffic. I’m sure that’ll net you some lunch money, champ....”

He started fighting back rage and I think tears (angry tears?) and then huffed and walked outside. He apparently bitched to Valerie after her class that her friends were mean and once he told her what I did she fucking laughed and said “oh, she’s just like that.” He wasn’t amused.

We later found out her dad offered him a hotel and told him he could stay only if he took s job her dad had open. He stayed a couple of weeks and then went back to PA. As far as I know, she never saw him again.

And that’s how I (attempted) to save a mentally challenged girl from a potential leech.

Edit: spelling

Cactus Wings

Coughing for Cash
A train door on an airport closed on my backpack and almost took me dragging with it, luckily my mom pulled me out in time
Was following a teacher whom happened to be a friend of the family and neighbor. Stuck my fingers in between the door and the wall as it closed (huge and made of steel). Fucking wonder she turned around and saw it, let alone managed to push it the direction that wouldn't cut my finger off.

I really doubt it would've fallen off but man, the pain and blood was weird. Almost like honey. Then again, my dad cut his fingertip off once, drove to the hospital with it in his mouth and got it back on. The human body is durable.
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Uncanny Valley

daddy's little disappointment
True & Honest Fan
Was following a teacher whom happened to be a friend of the family and neighbor. Stuck my fingers in between the door and the wall as it closed (huge and made of steel). Fucking wonder she turned around and saw it, let alone managed to push it the direction that wouldn't cut my finger off.

I really doubt it would've fallen off but man, the pain and blood was weird. Almost like honey. Then again, my dad cut his fingertip off once, drove to the hospital with it in his mouth and got it back on. The human body is durable.
this was also many, many, feet up in the air,
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