Romance novels - ~Ravished by the Rogue Shitlord~

Slowboat to China

Level 6 Hairy Hands Syndrome
kiwifarms.net
This is a thread for romance novels. Bodice-rippers. Emotional porn. Harlequin novels. Heaving-bosom historicals. Paranormals with hilariously OTT alpha-male werewolf heroes that stop juuuuust this side of rapey and are probably responsible for the explosion of horrible A/B/O fanfic thanks to teenage Tumblristas stealing from their mom's stash of Ellora's Cave titles.

Do you love them? Hate them? Have any recs, pet peeves, favorite tropes, complaints? This is the place to go.

For you folks who are interested in the history of the genre (or you CIS WHITE MALES who don't know what the fuck we're on about) I recommend Lucy Worsley's excellent documentary, A Very British Romance. It covers the origins of what we now think of as romantic fiction in the English language.

The modern romance genre got its start with 1972's The Flame and the Flower, which codified a lot of the glorious OTT that was to follow. From the Wikipedia plot summary:

After Heather Simmons, a penniless orphan, kills a man named William Court who was attempting to rape her, she flees the scene. Near the London dockside, two men, who mistake her for a prostitute, seize her and escort her onto a ship. Heather believes she has been arrested for murder. Unaware of the misconceptions on both sides, the captain of the ship, Brandon Birmingham, rapes Heather. When he does so, he ruptures her hymen and realizes she was a virgin and, therefore, probably not a prostitute. Likewise, Heather realizes Brandon can't possibly be a member of law enforcement. When Brandon asks her why she would sell her virginity on the streets, she tearfully tells him that she was merely lost. Afraid that Heather will tell others what he has done, Brandon tries to bribe Heather by offering to set her up in an affluent house as his mistress. She angrily declines. An enraged Brandon then takes Heather hostage and attempts to rape her again, but breaks off his attack when she protests. The next day, when Brandon leaves the ship, Heather manages to escape Brandon's ship and flees back to her home ...

But the really genre-defining blockbuster, the one that most middle-aged romance readers can recall having their panties blown off by, was 1974's Sweet Savage Love by Rosemary Rogers. This beast is 714 pages of alpha-male, you-know-you-like-it, "his-ravishing-kisses", wet-in-the-rain-with-her-velvet-habit-clinging-alluringly-to-her-skin, bodice-ripping boot-knockin'. Check out the Amazon book preview and get ready to go "What?"

These old-school romances have been largely disavowed by the modern, woke elements of the industry, though they remain on sale today. Ironically, many of the old books aren't that shocking to modern eyes--not in the days of the Internet, when you can find werewolf feeder-fetish clown porn with a click of the mouse. Still, the genre remains sharply divisive to this day, and modern romances that employ the old tropes will often be assailed with cries of "Don't you know it's CURRENT YEAR?"

And now, my beauteous Kiwis, gaze with heaving bosoms upon this thread and caress its swelling, turgid length.
 

Dongus

A Real Human Bean
kiwifarms.net
The only romance author that matters:

chuck.jpg
 

Kari Kamiya

"I beat her up, so I gave her a cuck-cup."
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I've got a love-hate relationship with romance in general, and the romance novels are why I have that mindset and why I like to make fun of bad smut (although Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Covers helped in that regard, too, before they decided to retire--here's an alternative). I've said it before in the literary sins thread, but I'll cross-post here. One summer back in high school, I was bored and decided to read my mom's romance novels since she had them out in the open and I still was a huge bookworm back then. Despite her warnings (she would've preferred if I read them once I'm married, though maybe she's being half-jokey whenever she says that), she shrugged and let me be.

And so because of my impressionable, immature mind still caught in the throes of Twilight's rampaging popularity (no, I never was a big fan of the books, I just read them because everyone and my mother and grandmother were reading them), I just really fucking can't stand "milky/creamy white breasts", and "'Hungry for you,' he growled" and the tall, dark and handsome and the like that's common in these novels. I more-or-less actually really don't understand why these phrases and descriptions and stuff are just so common. Is it simply because of how widespread (and mandatory, it seems) flowery language is with romance, and thus it's just so ingrained into our subconscious that we just can't help it? But if anything, this actually got me to become more critical of the Twilight series once it hit Breaking Dawn, and while I was already raising my eyebrows during Eclipse, that was the book that finally opened my eyes made me go "LOL Meyer's views on romance fucking sucks!" (all the while I still couldn't believe it was a YA novel).

This is all quite funny simply because I can't stay away from romance at all in my consumption with entertainment, but I guess I just don't really like, let alone care for the common tropes anymore, so I like it when the romance genre plays things up. Luckily that's been happening more and more, so I'm not as critical as I used to be. But I guess that's why The Princess Bride is still the best goddamn book (and film, the adaptation is spot on) I've ever read, and why CLANNAD is the best goddamn romance I've ever seen, anime and otherwise (Princess Bride is a self-aware parody that shouldn't be taken seriously, but lol whoops).

I'll check out that documentary, though. It sounds really interesting.
 

escapegoat

The answer is always "porn."
kiwifarms.net
I wonder if there is a special facebook group out there for stock footage models who have had the honor of being on a Chuck Tingle cover?
 

Slowboat to China

Level 6 Hairy Hands Syndrome
kiwifarms.net
I more-or-less actually really don't understand why these phrases and descriptions and stuff are just so common. Is it simply because of how widespread (and mandatory, it seems) flowery language is with romance, and thus it's just so ingrained into our subconscious that we just can't help it?

This is an interesting point, and I've seen it discussed a few times. I think part of it is that romance is such a high-volume business--the last cited figure I saw was that romance occupies about 40% of the entire literary market--that you get a lot of boilerplate plots, boilerplate language, that kind of thing. Sort of the literary equivalent of fast food?

The documentary is pretty good, though, if you have time to give it a watch. I do find the history of romance literature interesting.

Also, four posts already about Chuck Tingle. Never change, Kiwis. <3
 

escapegoat

The answer is always "porn."
kiwifarms.net
How is it that Fabio hasn't gotten a reality show on Lifetime or something?
 

Apex Predator

kiwifarms.net
The phrases are incredibly common partly because of the fast food analogy: easy, cheap, you know what you're getting. But it's also because a ton of the Harlequin-type ones are churned out at a phenomenally fast rate. If you're writing 6-10 books a year you're not gonna be original.
 

IceGray

"Dude, where's the bus?"
kiwifarms.net
One of the romance novels that stood out to me was The Pirate by Harold Robbins. It's a mix of adventure and erotica set in the Middle East, back in its liberal days. Good read mostly because it didn't stick strictly to all the tropes of Arabian Nights-esque romance.
 

Cheerlead-in-Chief

kiwifarms.net
Oh boy, it's been ages since I read a romance novel.
So is Chuck Tingle a prolific writer?
I seriously wanna know how a book bangs a stud!
 

Slowboat to China

Level 6 Hairy Hands Syndrome
kiwifarms.net
If you're looking for a good time (that's what she said) and are excessively bored, I suggest browsing the F-rated reviews on any given romance website. The more recent ones are increasingly likely to bemoan toxic masculinity, but if you burrow into the archives, you find reviews of some real hilarious shit. My personal favorite is this review of Knight Moves by Jamaica Layne. Featuring a main character named Lord Verdigris, a time-traveling bathroom stall, drastic misuse of the word "codpiece," and the creeping suspicion that the author actually was serious when she wrote this mess.

Oh boy, it's been ages since I read a romance novel.
So is Chuck Tingle a prolific writer?
I seriously wanna know how a book bangs a stud!

This actually brings up a question I've had for a while. Has anyone here actually READ a Chuck Tingle book? I mean, I know he got his start in dinosaur erotica, but the only reviews I've seen for dino erotica were for The Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay and Ravished by the Triceratops, neither of which were Tingle works.

... And I can't believe I just typed that sentence.
 

Golly

[warbles internally]
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
At least 13 years ago, I wanted to look into romance novels because of the potential for so-bad-it's-good moments. I went to my local dump and found some of what I expected to be the choicer candidates for this. Unfortunately, I lost the book that I started. But oh boy, I knew it was going to be a doozy had I continued. In retrospect, it was probably pretty tame by KF standards, but it's still pretty dumb. Here's what went down during the first 5 or so chapters:
  • Turn of the century, I think. Man catches his wife cheating on him with her lover. They're fucking like from the second page lol.
  • Wife is rendered to a vegetative state because of the aftermath of this maybe? There was probably some kind of duel between the two men, and she probably got smacked around stupidly by her husband.
  • They have a daughter. I forget how. Maybe it was childbirth that destroyed the wife. The father is stupidly distant.
  • The father is a successful businessman/workaholic and leaves his daughter to be raised by her governess pretty much.
  • Daughter turns out to be decent at art.
  • Her father doesn't think it's proper for her to paint (...for some reason) and wants to stop her art lessons.
  • Daughter has a doll. Talks to the doll for comfort. The doll responds to her. I get it, she's probably just imagining the doll replying because she's lonely or something, but it does not come off that way.
  • Daughter tries to talk to her dad about art lessons one night at dinner. He's too busy. She has to make an appointment at his office.
  • Bursts in with her art portfolio. Father is having a meeting with this British guy who is like 12 years her senior. She's...maybe 9? He will be the love interest.
  • Wows Dad with art, impresses her future love interest.
  • I guess eventually they shack up in California?
I have no idea what it was called, and romance novels are so generically titled that Love's Something-or-Other isn't going to get me anywhere. Is there the slightest chance that anyone might have any idea what the hell this was?

Oh look, the poster for Bojack Horseman Season 5!
 
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LagoonaBlue

Harriet Louise Connor (No bully; have Autism)
Person of Interest
kiwifarms.net
I cannot stand Mills and Boon novels.

I'm pretty sure they were all written by the same person, because they all read the same - terribly.
 

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