Secret Gamer Girl / SecretGamerGrrl / Googleshng / "Violet Hargrave" / Jacob Lawrence (Jake) Alley / World Domination, LLC - Delusional Zoe Quinn Stalker, Libelous Tweeter, Thirsty Gnome, Faux-Tranny Neckbeard Incel, Micropenis, "Known Troubled Person", Creator of "Massive vs the Masses", Self-Described "Noise Making Thing"; Lives in Niantic, CT

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RussianParasite

Крым наш
kiwifarms.net
I never noticed until you pointed it out, but he does say that quite a lot. However, you should know that as a dainty double-girl, Violet uses profanity extremely sparingly!
That said, let's move on to...

Let's Learn Gnomish
Lesson 3: Swear Like A Lady
Which of George Carlin's "seven dirty words" are part of acceptable gnomish discourse? Our data scientists scoured the Twitter history of local gnomes in the Niantic area, and came up with these frequencies:

Shit: 107
Fuck: 93
Piss: 11
Tits: 5
Cocksucker: 1 (!! https://archive.li/XIynd)
Cunt: 0
Motherfucker: 0

Bonus: things that are damn near profanity:

Hell: 1539
Damn: 690
Crap: 394
Bitch: 12
Goddamn: 11
Bastard: 3
These numbers look high, but given the gigantic amount of tweets he vomits out on any given day I think we could agree that he uses these words "sparingly." Add them all together and you probably only average a profane or damn-near-profane word use ratio of 1 in 50 tweets.

Really though, it is a lot of profanity from someone who claims to not use it much. Is this like some sort of neckbeard thing where he has to justify profanity to mommy so she won't ground him?
 

Um Oh Ah Yeah

I cause problems
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I actually agree with what someone mentioned above - picking up a drinking or drugging problem would objectively improve Jake's life, at least temporarily. Hell, the difference in thought patterns might be enough to get him off this whole trip and onto something else. Chances are low, but continuing down this path is what - death by diabetes within 5-10 years? Worth a shot.
Yeah, I didn't expand on the idea because, well, I thought it was funny, but I did mean it as a legitimate suggestion. Because what Jake has right now is a major Twitter addiction, and all he does is sit in his room and get more and more paranoid. A porn addiction would keep him in his room but at least alleviate the paranoia, and a drug addiction would make his paranoia worse, but at least he'd get out and meet people and maybe even get a job (or start robbing people. Oh wait, he already has a Patreon. Badumtish.)
 

Chan the Wizard

My Gemsona is autistic
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I don’t think Jake can reach his penis due to how fat he is, so I don’t think a porn addiction would help.
He also seems to have bought into the DARE and MADD groups to such an extent that recreational drugs or alcohol is out of the question. Just judging by his reactions, he seems to think his mom and her friends having a glass of wine makes them drunks.
Jake’s just a creepy, fat guy incel who had “friends” for once in his life and desperate to have them again. Not just any friends, those exact friends. We all know what it really was but Jake’s perspective on reality is warped. He’s autistic, his only companions growing up were his cousins, and even his family has now cut him out of their lives for being a weirdy-beardy. Then for one brief instance he had people that were talking to him, respecting him, and best of all a lot of them had real vaginas! Jake was in heaven. He’d still have his gal pals if those dang dirty trolls hadn’t whisper networked what an awful person Violet is.
 

Ruin

#respectskeltins
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I was just going to post about "damn near". They way he writes, with all of the folksy blue collar language, the "damn near's", "hell of a's", it's not even remotely feminine or dainty. You'd have to go to a backwoods Log Cabin Republican to find anybody "queer" speaking like that. In a timeline where Jake had stronger parenting he is totally the kind of autist you'd find working in a toolroom or something. Or just a game nerd gnome larping as a woods gnome tradesman. That's why I find Jake so intriguing. I just can't fathom what went so wrong that he behaves like this. He literally became the old joke about the hairy fat man pretending to be a girl on the internet. I would think the shame should be absolutely crippling, but that's how he lives! How precious mommy's special boy must have been growing up! And that sort of parenting gets you nowhere, look at what he says about his mother.
If you read his older pre troon talking time posts Jake clearly saw himself as a wise old elder kind of character which I assume is where all the yees and yons come from. He probably forgets he's supposed to be a cute loli now because he's a dipshit.
 

Kosher Dill

Potato Chips
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Let's Learn Gnomish
Lesson 4: Who You Gonna Call?

Being a gnome means that you are in constant need of HELP, HELP, HELP!!! Let's peek in on a typical gnome and see what they've requested help with, or referred to needing help with!

- Raising money via Patreon (x12)
- Explaining to everyone that he's actually a great gal who shouldn't be blocked (x6)
- "Keeping it together" (by giving him stuff from his Amazon wishlist) (x5)
- Getting token gestures of support from his friends (x4)
- Getting transportation (x3)
- Getting off a blocklist (x3)
- Getting a new passport (and related paperwork) (x3)
- Dealing with harassment (x2)
- Archiving 8chan posts
- Selling even a single copy of "The Massive vs. the Masses"
- Creating a proof of concept for a new social network
- Things he's physically incapable of doing himself
- Finding an open source project he lost the link to
- Pain
- Raising money without broadcasting his personal details
- Dealing with his insecurities triggered by being told to get a job
- Raising money to go to GenCon 2016
- Understanding gay stereotypes
- (Something about pets helping - context missing)
- Getting access to HRT
- "Services that can help me"
- "I'm seeking help" (context missing, but related to suicide talk)
- Getting paid employment
- Picking up the pieces of his life
- Rebuilding
- Enduring his Trump-fueled breakdown
- Finding job offers
- Enduring a panic attack
- Printing paperwork
- Getting started in Unreal Engine
- Mass-reporting "nazis" in his Twitter mentions
- Affording food
- Coping with his own crippling Twitter addiction
- Burying an offensive tweet
- Dealing with "an intensely traumatic experience" in October 2017
- Convincing Mastodon staff (‽) to implement his security proposals
- Shutting down a "Nazi propaganda mill"
- Dealing with death threats after posting "The New McCarthyism"
- Being in therapy
- "Dealing with some serious problems"
- Regaining his sense of self
- Formally asking CON for help
- "I nred sometone to be heer and hold my hand and help me fle paperwork or take me somewhere safe or show my friends what they're doing to me or make me tea or give me a hug or kill me and just make it - all stop or do something"
- Recovering the confidence to finish a coding project
- Packing his things and taking him away
- Calming down
- Attaining his dream feminine figure
- "Physically assisting me in getting through everything I need to do in a day"
- Talking to a real person at Microsoft support

Giving help is also common in Gnomish culture, as part of their elaborate courtship rituals. Upon sensing weakness or distress, the gnome in heat will ask if there's "any way he can help", preferably by entering into private conversation. This is sometimes referred to as sliding in.

Roughly in chronological order, these are the individuals our subject has offered his "services" to. Particularly long-term cases of help-offering are bolded.
- The Quinnspiracy / Primeape / UnburntWitch - CHELSAY herself, the very first person Jake ever offered help to. They say you never forget your first.
- ChloeSagal
- icequeenerika (see Jaimas' excellent breakdown here)
- Spacekatgal (Brianna Wu)
- MadamPlumpette
- feu_de_Din
- SeenPerfidy
- Tesseraconteur
- SFtheWolf
- SmolSoftGay / ItsTheCordy
- Dont_Cry_Wolf

- CeltThulu / CelticAnarchy
- gahitsu
- dirtbagboyfren
- ZJemptv
- InThePinkBloc
- arthur_affect (Arthur Chu)
- CordyIsHide
- cypheroftyr (Runs OrcaCon in WA. He actually invited her to lunch - were they in the same area at some point?)
- AmazonChique
- AmporaTrash
- BigMommaScott
- remembrancermx ("Basic Becky" Bex Gerber)
- RealKav_P
- Kalindlara
- persenche
- Mahousloth (another OrcaCon person)
I'm curious how much his long-term helpees actually engage with him. Arthur Chu is one of the few people who intentionally talk to Jake, and he only tried once to slide in with him. I wonder how often someone like icequeenerika, whom Jake supplicated dozens of times, ever gave him the time of day outside of pity parties.
 
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Tragi-Chan

Godmaster Reverend
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
If you read his older pre troon talking time posts Jake clearly saw himself as a wise old elder kind of character which I assume is where all the yees and yons come from. He probably forgets he's supposed to be a cute loli now because he's a dipshit.
I suspect that is also why he kept the beard even though he’s supposedly a woman.
 

Cryonic Haunted Bullets

Niemals schlafen! Alles Lügen!
kiwifarms.net
Let's Learn Gnomish
Lesson 2: Damn Near
What can be damn near? In descending order of frequency:

Damn near everyone (x10)
Damn near every [consumer media] (x5)
Damn near every trans person (x3)
Damn near every day (x2)
Damn near everyone I know (x2)
Damn near a 50/50 split
Damn near a year ago
Damn near all of the above [RPG activities]
Damn near any random person off the street
Damn near anyone
Damn near anyone else
Damn near anything
Damn near daily basis
Damn near every inch of column space
Damn near every media outlet and game developer
Damn near every possible context
Damn near every post
Damn near every single GG twitter account
Damn near every single person I follow
Damn near every single woman to ever work in the industry
Damn near every time
Damn near every trans-supportive cis person
Damn near every way [of trans-coding a character]
Damn near every woman
Damn near everyone I cared about
Damn near everyone I've ever trusted
Damn near everyone's [RPG] world
Damn near everything
Damn near had my head bitten off
Damn near immediately
Damn near impossible
Damn near positive
Damn near shouting
Damn near superhuman
Damn near totally locked out
Damn near universal
Damn near walked into the ocean


It's funny how filtering things through Jake's catchphrases distills his life down to the essentials.
I can't believe nobody has tagged @Damn Near
 

Smaug's Smokey Hole

the black goat of yule
kiwifarms.net
What would the point of a pregnant character be if it have absolutely no effect on the game itself? Then it's just aesthetic.
"If someone has a character who's missing an arm as part of their backstory, you're not going to ad hoc penalties on what they can carry and climbing and such"
Oh never mind, he's just an idiot.

It is also odd that he's had to work out the rules for pregnant characters on two occasions but "one of the times I actually had this come up" was when his own character got pregnant. I wouldn't be surprised if he wants to both play and DM the game at the same time.
It's good to see that Jake at least got laid off-camera in a RPG setting.
 
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talk talk talk

Helping the Exceptional to Know God
kiwifarms.net

Konstantin Romanov

kiwifarms.net
Where to begin with this. Actions have consequences in D&D, that's what distinguishes the game from that thing you did when you were 5 where you'd sit around with other kids fantasizing about how you have laser eyes, but they have laserproof skin, but that guy has the power to create and control cheese and so on. If you fuck a mummy and get hyper-gonorrhoea and you refuse to acknowledge any mechanical penalty for said hyper-gonorrhoea you'd be straight up expelled from the group I guarantee it.

Jake presents two scenarios so different I'm amazed he can even compare them. In one, a DM makes a little extra effort to design quests so as not to intentionally frustrate one of the PC's. The wheelchair fetishist player is still the asshole for imposing that waste of effort on everyone, but the response is common and understandable. In the other, a DM imposes no mechanical penalty for a missing arm, to the point of allowing the person to climb and hold things like a two handed person, which is so ridiculous it's going to constantly take everyone out of the game.

"I seize the rope as the other pc's begin to fall, using my other arm to grip the raili-"
"You have one arm, Jake."
"Right, well I just catch them with no bracing. Then, I begin to draw the rope back up, hand over hand unti-"
"You have one arm, Jake."
"Okay I pull them up 40 feet by raising one hand then. As the ranger reaches the top of the cliff I help him over the edge with my free hand-"
"Which doesn't exist."
"Yes thank you Bill, which doesn't exist. As he can hold the rope now, I take the other end and tie it off-"
"With the fingers of one hand."
"That's correct."
"And you take no penalty to your use rope check?"
"Correct again Bill."
Everyone at the table sighs

Why stop at saying monsters can't hit the baby? Wouldn't the game be more fun if monsters couldn't hit you? Oh wow and what if you could always hit the monsters, and you could do it even though you have no arms or legs and nobody is allowed to notice that you have green skin and are seven feet tall and come from a race of murderous cannibals whose entire culture is occasionally gathering in large groups to murder and cannibalise more efficiently, and what if you had laser eyes and here we are in FUCKING PRESCHOOL AGAIN JAKE!
 

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