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Sex Tips for Kiwis! Get Your Man/Woman/Hand in the Mood with these Easy and Fun Tips!Or "How I learned to stop worrying and love being alone"

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Pikimon, Dec 7, 2017.

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have sex after tips?

  1. yis

  2. no

  3. my hand is one of my headmates so yes

  4. yes but it wasnt technically consensual

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  1. Since all of you are hopeless and loveless shit excuses of human beings who have never been outside to actually interact with real human beings and the thought of dying alone terrifies you (@AN/ALR56 ) here are some fun and easy sex tips to use to really get her/his/xer's good graces!

    For the intentions of this essay everyone will be referred to as "her" or "she" because there are no women on the Kiwi Farms.

    Attracting a Mate.
    • Get her attention. Be loud and gaudy and in all other ways impossible to ignore. Most women/men don't really know what they want so as long as you're showing them something, they'll probably like it. The old advertising adage holds true for picking up women/men: there's no such thing as bad press.
    • Be persistent. Women like go-getters. If she seems uninterested, she's not just playing hard to get (though she probably is, that coy minx), she's testing your resolve. The more unwilling you are to give up, the more you can be sure she wants what you're offering.
    • Wear plenty of cologne. Just like in the animal kingdom, females are attracted by your musk. Only instead of pheromones you've got a bottle full of liquid engineered by science to make a woman's nethers tingle. If you use enough for her to smell you from across the room, then you won't even have to approach her. Just sit back and let the vixens be drawn to you.
    • Be aggressive toward other guys. All women want to be with the alpha of the pack, and there's no better way to show her that it's you than to put a few betas in their place. Remember though, you've got to be the one who initiates. Any pussy can finish a fight, but a real man shows that he can and will start one before trouble even arises
    • Get her drunk. We all know that she really wants to go home with you. She's just worried what her friends will say if she makes it too easy. Best way around that? Make her stop caring what her friends think by making her stop caring about everything. Just feed her sugary liquor until she's slurring a little, then make your play. Protip: buy the first drink in front of her and ask for top shelf stuff, then kindly offer to go to the bar for future drinks and get only well liquor. Does the trick and there's no way she's going to be able to tell the difference at this point.
    • If she blocks you from her phone and facebook, she is tired of only talking to you on the internet and wants you to come over to her home immediately.
    The Act of Mating and Maintaining a Relationship
    • Communication is key. Don't expect her to know what you like. Describe in detail what your exes did better than her. Show her the videos of your ex doing it.
    • Bargain for more than you want.. Tell her you've been thinking about having a foursome without her. Pretty soon, a threesome with her is a polite compromise!
    • Confessional orgasming. While she's going down on you, moan the names of attractive co-workers, friends, and family members. It lets her know that she's nearly that good looking, and reminds her that she's the one you've chosen out of all of them.
    • Diamonds aren't always forever." Studies show the most passionate sex a couple will have is their engagement night. Why only do it once? Give her a ring and ask her to marry you. The next morning, explain that you've changed your mind. Any time the relationship needs a kick in thy bedroom, do it all over again! lol ur not getting married nigga
    • Encourage her to get fit! Buy her lingerie that is two sizes too small, then change the label to her actual size. When it doesn't fit, mumble about how she used to be able to wear that size. She'll think twice about ordering dessert for months!
    • Everybody wants to be star. Discretely take some nude photos of her, and some video of her in the act if you can manage it. Post them online, but don't tell her. If you breakup later, send her a link to remind her of the good times you had.
    • Does she like sex a little rough? Good, then disrespect her breasts. Spit on them, smack them, give them dirty looks. Ask her questions like, "seriously, that's all you got?" and "You think you can feed my children with those shitty tits? Get real". This is guaranteed to make your woman scream.
    • Insert an ice cube into her vagina prior to sex and another ice cube during sex. Make sure to finish inside her and then whisper "Ice, Ice, Baby"
    • She's always wanted a threesome with her best friend but doesn't know how to ask for it or that she wants it. It's up to you to organize it and surprise her for her birthday. Make sure that she walks in on you two to really make it a surprise.
    • If she calls you "Daddy" during sex, make sure to reciprocate by calling her "Mommy" and crying afterwards and during sex. Don't stop until you're finished. Alternatively you can also reply "good job, kiddo" and kiss her on the forehead. Afterwards say "I'm just going to run down to the store to get a pack of smokes." and never come back.
    Insert an other tips you think can really help people!
     
    • Informative x 15
    • Winner x 6
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    • Horrifying x 1
    Pikimon

    Pikimon Exceptionally Overachieving Mexican
    True & Honest Fan

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  2. Word.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    AnOminous

    AnOminous HO HO HO YOU HOS
    True & Honest Fan Retired Staff

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  3. I'm quite sure there's a PUA unironically copying and pasting this right now to try and create a new red-pilled relationship column
     
    • Feels Feels x 6
    • Agree Agree x 3
    chekovia

    chekovia Gloating in the shadows...

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  4. @DNJACK still does this to me and we're already married. Nothing keeps romance alive like knowing it could be inexplicably retracted at any given moment.
     
    • Feels Feels x 3
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • DRINK DRINK x 1
    Cricket

    Cricket Totes adorabu for such a pitiless monster
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  5. Alright! Followed every tip and now I'm in jail, dating some nigga named T-bone. It really worked!
     
    • Feels Feels x 9
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    • Informative Informative x 1
    • Powerlevel Powerlevel x 1
    #5 Pepito, Dec 7, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2017
    Pepito

    Pepito FUCK YHO HO HO!

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  6. *THIS IS WHAT INCELS ACTUALLY BELIEVE*
     
    • Winner Winner x 16
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    • Informative Informative x 1
    Testaclese Maximus

    Testaclese Maximus has a full line of chainsaws
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  7. I told you true love was real
     
    • Feels Feels x 3
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    Pikimon

    Pikimon Exceptionally Overachieving Mexican
    True & Honest Fan

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  8. Mate? What's a mate?
     
    • Feels Feels x 1
    kiwifarms.net
  9. I think it's what homosexual Australians call each other.
     
    • Winner Winner x 5
    Unpleasant

    Unpleasant I tell you what

    kiwifarms.net
  10. Why wear cologne? Your body naturally produces pheromones. Just get really sweaty and stop washing yourself. Showers are just a Jewish conspiracy to sell shampoo.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • DRINK DRINK x 1
    Fangsofjeff

    Fangsofjeff ❤ Happy Kwanzaa!❤

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  11. you could also go to prison, it's really easy to get laid there
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Informative Informative x 1
    Dink Smallwood

    Dink Smallwood seeker of autism

    kiwifarms.net
  12. Wanna fuck @Ido
     
    • Informative Informative x 1
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    • Horrifying Horrifying x 1
    m0rnutz

    m0rnutz Maybe not a spy

    kiwifarms.net
  13. Ido too.
     
    • DRINK DRINK x 2
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    Ido

    Ido Discord Dominatrix
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  14. A while ago there was a news article on someone who kept an autistic girl in his basement for sex and was able to cash in on her disability checks, just do that.
     
    • Feels Feels x 4
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • Deviant Deviant x 1
    ICametoLurk

    ICametoLurk Flying space Nephilim riding on doomsday asteroids
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  15. Ayyyyy this the hookup thread?
    6 out of 10 of my divorces started this way. I cannot recommend this tip more.
     
    • Informative Informative x 1
    FierceBrosnan

    FierceBrosnan Still too sober for this shit.

    kiwifarms.net
  16. Directions unclear, have joined ISIS.
     
    • Islamic Content Islamic Content x 3
    • Feels Feels x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    Vrakks

    Vrakks Knock knock! Who's there? ME! ME ME ME ME ME

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  17. Thank you, Pikimon, for saving my life.
     
    UselessRubberKeyboard

    UselessRubberKeyboard [Britfagging intensifies]
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  18. DATE ED: The Thread

    (even though it sounds dated)
     
    • Feels Feels x 1
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    • Autistic Autistic x 1
    ToroidalBoat

    ToroidalBoat Token Hispanic Christmas Friend
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  19. Girls just adore guys that still with their parents well into their 30s so that move out, Chris.
     
    • Islamic Content Islamic Content x 1
    Jerry_ smith56

    Jerry_ smith56 Cartoon lolcow

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  20. what about for women?
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    Tempest

    Tempest Voci Dal Nulla
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