Share Your School Stories - Weirdos, freaks, and idiots (self-inclusion optional)

Yuusha-sama

Protector of voluptuous tights
kiwifarms.net
This story might not be to everyone's taste.

A story from a close acquaintance of mine.
I will hold the the story short.
They had a terrible teacher named Frau Vogel (Mrs. Bird), who was easily annoyed.
She would hand out written warnings, if she was angered.( collect enough of them and you would be suspended from school.)
If she was angry enough, she would open the drawer without looking and slamming a writing block on the desk.

The acquaintance of mine and his friend had a great idea.
They shot a sparrow and put it in her drawer before class.
In class they annoyed her so hard, that she would slam the drawer open and she took the sparrow instead of the block and slammed it on the Desk.
After realizing what had happened, she bursted into tears and ran out of the classroom.
 
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Yolandi

Resident Pokemon Go expert
kiwifarms.net
This story might not be to everyone's taste.

A story from a close acquaintance of mine.
I will hold the the story short.
They had a terrible teacher named Frau Vogel (Mrs. Bird), who was easily annoyed.
She would hand out written warnings, if she was angered.( collect enough of them and you would be suspended from school.)
If she was angry enough, she would open the drawer without looking and slam a writing block on the desk.

The acquaintance of mine and his friend had a great idea.
They shot a sparrow and put it in her drawer before class.
In class they annoyed her so hard, that she would slam the drawer open and she took the sparrow instead of the block and slammed it on the Desk.
After realizing what had happened, she bursted into tears and ran out of the classroom.
Holy cow...that's crazy. But I still kind of like it.
 
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Kari Kamiya

Dopey Mew
kiwifarms.net
This story might not be to everyone's taste.

A story from a close acquaintance of mine.
I will hold the the story short.
They had a terrible teacher named Frau Vogel (Mrs. Bird), who was easily annoyed.
She would hand out written warnings, if she was angered.( collect enough of them and you would be suspended from school.)
If she was angry enough, she would open the drawer without looking and slamming a writing block on the desk.

The acquaintance of mine and his friend had a great idea.
They shot a sparrow and put it in her drawer before class.
In class they annoyed her so hard, that she would slam the drawer open and she took the sparrow instead of the block and slammed it on the Desk.
After realizing what had happened, she bursted into tears and ran out of the classroom.
Oof, someone didn't have a sense of humor about their name. (Unless she was a germaphobe.)
 

Coleman Francis

True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
One night they were out walking at like 2am and decided to play a game of, as Beavis and Butthead called it, "Ding Dong Ditch." For those of you unfamiliar, that's where you ring someone's doorbell (or knock) and run away like it's the funniest thing in the world.
Just about every group of kids does that at some point in their youth. They had a different name for it when I was a kid, everybody called it "nigger knocking".

We also called those red, rocket shaped firecrackers that you put on the ground horizontally (instead of straight up like a bottle rocket) "nigger chasers".
 

Clockwork_PurBle

John Goldfarb, get your ass back home.
kiwifarms.net
Here's some high school teachers. I have many school stories.

So we only had like three or four different junior high - high school teachers for math. Each teacher would teach two or three classes. For example, Teach A would teach 7th grade math and senior calculus, Teach B would teach 8th grade math and 10th grade standard diploma math, etc. When I was in junior and high, this teacher, who I'll call Mrs. Debbie, taught 7th grade, 9th grade standard/advanced math, and 12th calculus (?, maybe trig, idk I was on standard diploma so didn't have her as a senior). Mrs. Debbie was very moody (probably bipolar) and could quite frankly be a bitch. She taught math EXTREMELY fast and taught it via smart board (meaning she just sat down and drew on an iPad thing that appeared on the screen). She would teach the thing really fast once, and then half-ass it a second time (if we were lucky). Then immediately after the lesson she would give a quiz on it. The quiz would be 3 or 4 questions long, so if you got one wrong, it was already like a 70 (C) grade. Grade would absolutely go in the book. Mrs. Debbie was a staunch supporter of the "There is no math gene. Everybody is a math genius. Math is so easy. There is no such thing as not being wired towards math. If you struggle in math you are just lazy and exceptional. If you don't have a 100 average you're just a fucktard" bullshit. I've found out a lot of schools don't do this anymore, but my school is primitive so they do; there's advanced diploma and standard diploma. When you're on advanced, you are forced to take Spanish I and II and have faster math, getting trigonometry at the end of senior year. If you're on standard, you can graduate without Spanish and end with a form of Algebra. She taught all her classes the same, I guess to punish those exceptional standard kids. Mrs. Debbie also played favorites with athletes and cheerleaders. If you were like me, and struggled in math (because sorry not sorry, not everyone has the capacity to be a math genius, there is a "gene"), you were basically fucked. Need help? Good fucking luck (unless of course you were a running back or cheerleader).

So when you were on standard, all of the teachers were shittier (or not all of them, but they weren't as good or as organized). My senior year math teacher was Mr. Ass Cow (what we nicknamed him), who is still up at the school because of tenure and they can't get him to leave. Also, despite being a cunt, he's seen as a "good ol boy" (raised here, went to college, came back here to teach). Ass Cow had a battery explode in his face so he looks like Freddy Kreuger (another nickname). He cheated on his wife with some older woman whore back in the day who had a shelf-ass. His voice is also AIDS. Has a dumbass, probably exceptional son that threatened to shoot up his graduation, got kicked out of college for bomb threats, and who climbed up on a homecoming float and pantsed a girl in HS. Here's the son's soundcloud. He has deleted his exceptional stuff (except for one). Even before he got Kreuger'ed, Ass Cow was a piece of shit asshole. All you have to do is mention his name and everyone's eyes roll. They stuck him teaching senior standard math and 10th grade math because the school couldn't hire anyone else (nobody wants to come here). Basically, all he did to "teach" us was play videos of what we were doing on YouTube and give us worksheets, all the while making smartass comments and being condescending. I can't tell you a single thing we did in that class other than stare at graphs. We would get our worksheets back and half the class would have question 2 marked correct, and half would have it marked wrong despite having the same answer. Most every faculty member hated him, except for a few kissups who would remind us (when they heard us complain about him) that he apparently made a 30 on his ACT way back when. Oh he made a 30? Well I would bet money that the 1960/70-whatever ACT wasn't a third as hard as the one we have today, and I'd like to see him pull a 30 in 2018.

Well, one day in April (I think) the boomer decided he was going to make us watch a corny cell phone addiction video. Looked like it was made in 2004 despite being around 2016. After it was over he said something like "that's why y'all stay on your phones constantly, to avoid responsibility." Normally I try to be non-combative and just observe the exceptionalism from afar, but given that I was a senior who's patience with that joke of a school had run out, I spat back: "I guess that's why you stay on your phone all day instead of actually teaching. You're a laughing stock." Surprisingly, he didn't do anything to me.

Needless to say I was not prepared for college math at all and had to take beginning algebra.

They call her "Big Red".

Because she was fat (not obese, but fat) and had red hair. This teacher, also a math teacher, never left her desk. She also half-ass taught from a Smart Board. She always had food on her desk, was always eating something, and was incredibly lazy. In eighth grade, the first week back from Christmas break, I missed due to the flu. That was when beginning algebra stuff was taught. When I came back, of course she wasn't going to teach me how to do it; I had to get a friend to help me and watch YouTube. I had a shit ton of daily work and homework to do. I took two days to catch up and get it all done (and teach myself of course). I got all the work done and gave it to her after class. Big Red told me to put it in a certain pile on her desk. Well, mid-9 week reports come in (we have two semesters, with each semester being divided into a pair of 8/9 weeks) and I had an F for the class. I had 0s in place of the work I did. When I confronted her, she said I didn't turn them in or do them. Then I reminded her I did and that she told me to put them "here". Then she was like, "I guess I lost them."

So I have to do all the work again, plus the current work, and grade them myself. I got out of her class with a 69.5 because of course she doesn't round grades. Naturally, she plays favorites too and her daughters were all cheerleader queens that got voted everything.

One time some of the more autistic (but in a good way) students hacked the school website and changed the faculty bios. Hers was one of them. Bio was changed to "idk I just sit here and masturbate to pictures of food", "I love biscuits", "graduated from X school in 1999, 2017 working the same damn place I started", etc. I have low-quality screenshots of this I'll share later.
 

Ido

Discord Dominatrix
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Anyone ever have to go to a super boring assembly?

I remember in middle school we'd have the most boring ass pep rallies, everyone I knew hated them. Like, there was not an interesting thing about them, the sports coaches would give boring, overly long speeches about how their team won a match. It was insane and iirc one dude went on for literally thirty minutes just talking about nothing. Everyone wanted band to get some recognition for winning their competitions but the one time they tried another coach stole the spotlight. Nothing of note happened, but let's just say in a gym full of a couple hundred kids the reactions were SUPER lackluster, clapping usually died off halfway. Oh, and god forbid you ever read or whisper, or play silent tic tac toe with friends, the supervising teachers would fucking want your carcass.

I was floored when I got the hs, it was so high energy. I still didn't like them but it was mainly for how noisy (actually hurt my ears) they were rather than how boring. That being said I really got into them, they were pretty fun.

Oh, and I never went to a single sports game for any of my school's, I regret nothing.
 

Kari Kamiya

Dopey Mew
kiwifarms.net
Anyone ever have to go to a super boring assembly?
All the time. They were mainly forgettable, though one assembly that was super dull was when my high school got awarded to become an "A+ School" or some shit, so they had an entire assembly to circlejerk about it, but I don't recall what else it was about and why it was even important, and I doubt anyone did because no one was interested in it. The only time an assembly even made some kind of impact was when Nick Vujicic came to our school and when a couple of police officers spoke about DUI when Prom was coming up and they showed gruesome pictures of car accidents and corpses.
 
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Sexy Times Hitler

WELL
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
We also called those red, rocket shaped firecrackers that you put on the ground horizontally (instead of straight up like a bottle rocket) "nigger chasers".
Not a school story and far less racist, but I remember chilling outside as a little kid during the Fourth of July at my mom's friend's house while the neighbors across the street were shooting off fireworks. When they lit a big-ass red rocket, the thing propping it up gave out, and it was aimed right at my mom, sister and I. We all got out of the way in time, but the firework hit the garage door and fucked it up beyond repair.
Anyone ever have to go to a super boring assembly?
I remember in elementary school, we'd used to have a mix of fun assemblies (Laser light shows, playing music to the kids, etc.) and really boring-ass, "stay safe" assemblies (Drugs are bad, don't talk to strangers, etc.) By the time I got to Middle/High school, the assemblies usually came in two flavors: "Don't bully" and "Don't drink and drive". I remember both having to sit through an anti-bullying musical my first week of MS that was forgettable outside of the opening song, and having to go through Challenge Day, a.k.a. "How many bullies of mine have parents that beat them?" in HS. The drinking and driving assemblies were all sob stories more than anything else, give or take some gnarly car crash/victim photos.

One outlier was genital health day. The boys and girls were separated, and we had to watch a video on how to check for testicular cancer that felt like a Tim & Eric skit more than anything else, especially the slow zoom-in on some dude's dick while he was checking his balls after the shower.
 
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TheGreatCitracett

We can't go on together, with progressive plights~
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
In high school I had a history teacher whose lifelong dream was to be a Rolling Stones groupie and to fuck Mick Jagger. This was in probably 2001-2 and she was in her 50s. She'd always talk about how hot Mick was and how she and her daughter were going to see them next time they came to the US on tour.

Her daughter was my age (14-15) and in her class with me and it was pretty obvious she'd been raised with the same singular ambition to bang Mick and had her mom's full blessing to do so if they could catch his attention and get backstage at a concert. Was super creepy. As far as I know they never went to any concerts, so Mick was safe.

Those two were seriously about the most bland, awkward women I'd ever met. They were so similar in looks they could have been sisters. Just picture two Tinas from Bob's Burgers but with round red glasses and dirty blonde hair, and that was them.
 

Clockwork_PurBle

John Goldfarb, get your ass back home.
kiwifarms.net
All the time. They were mainly forgettable, though one assembly that was super dull was when my high school got awarded to become an "A+ School" or some shit, so they had an entire assembly to circlejerk about it, but I don't recall what else it was about and why it was even important, and I doubt anyone did because no one was interested in it. The only time an assembly even made some kind of impact was when Nick Vujicic came to our school and when a couple of police officers spoke about DUI when Prom was coming up and they showed gruesome pictures of car accidents and corpses.
Nick Vujicic? Damn. All we ever got was traumatizing car accident awareness and shoddily put-together tobacco videos.

This may or may not be universally experienced or whatever but I shit y'all not, every year before prom they make 6th - 12th grade (don't ask why non-driving kids have to go, because we don't now) go watch a two hour long presentation about drunk driving, texting and driving, etc. They go for the shock, raw value instead of the cheesiness, which may or may not be more effective. Videos/pictures of severed bodies, torsos lying on the road, blood everywhere, crying and screaming people, etc. State troopers and whatnot would come along to talk with the video. I know we had to watch this in large part due to our health science teacher being a psycho woman that lowkey has a fetish for this shit or sumthin'. Does shock value work instead of cheesiness? Or work better? Yeah, probably. But at the same time, the dumb-asses that drink and drive, text and drive, do 80 in a 55, etc. are going to do it anyway. We had a guy in our class get killed in a car wreck (junior year) because he was doing the latter, and his friends/classmates still talk about how they speed all the time.
 
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Crunchy Leaf

cronch
kiwifarms.net
one time we had an assembly because two kids had a fist fight in the side yard and posted a video of it on youtube and the administration didnt like that

there was a kid at another school near mine who got paralyzed in a car crash and the guy they hit later died. the driver, not the paralyzed kid, only got a year in jail. he was going way too fast on a windy road.
 

Oscar Wildean

OK Corral
kiwifarms.net
The assembly talk reminded me: back in elementary school, there was an anti-smoking assembly. One of the speakers was a guy who lost his vocal cords and at the end, they showed us a cancer ridden lung in a bucket as we walked out.

Also the yearly yo-yo show.

Does anyone remember the anti smoking ads with the one woman who was famous for having the hole in her neck? Also known as that lady who did that PSA put a cigarette through the neck hole. She spoke at my high school years before dying. It was creepy.
 

Anonymous For This

Flying pierogis at vienna.
kiwifarms.net
I was a dipshit my first two years of high school and wound up having to take a summer biology course, because I flunked it during the school year.

I've been out of high school for over a decade and have a degree, but still have nightmares that I have to go back to high school, because I flunked another class they didn't tell me about. Fuck me.
 

Yolandi

Resident Pokemon Go expert
kiwifarms.net
The assembly talk reminded me: back in elementary school, there was an anti-smoking assembly. One of the speakers was a guy who lost his vocal cords and at the end, they showed us a cancer ridden lung in a bucket as we walked out.

Also the yearly yo-yo show.
How were they able to bring a lung in a bucket into a school?
 

Anonymous For This

Flying pierogis at vienna.
kiwifarms.net
How were they able to bring a lung in a bucket into a school?
With their hands.

Dumbass jokes aside, they did the same thing in my elementary school. They had fatty hearts, smoker's lungs, and I want to say there may have been a kidney or something, too. They're just preserved tissues they get from organ donors and then use for educational or research purposes -- because it isn't like anyone wants the heart from an Amberlynn or anything like that.
 

Slappy McGherkin

Let me introduce you to coulrophobia.
kiwifarms.net
School was so long ago for me, but I'll never forget a particularly exceptional classmate. She was a sped, but integrated into classes with us regular functioning types. Her name was Arrlleenn and exactly the way she spelled it. Big girl with super tard powers and strengths. Her school nickname was "Animal Girl." Most of the kids were deathly afraid of her and would circle wide of her in the hallways and such. But being the exceptional idiots many of us were, some of us would taunt her. Got to be a regular game between classes. A group of us would see her in the hallway and we'd start chanting "Animal Girrrrrrllllll, Animal Girrrrrrrlllll. " She hear that and she'd turn around, lower her head like a bull, and charge us at full bore. And just like the Running of the Bulls, we'd all scatter up the hallways to avoid being gored or trampled.

This shit went on all the time and it became a running school joke until one day, she went full gallop head first into a set of lockers, knocked herself out cold. Everybody sorta just looked at her laying there on the floor, thinking she was dead, then we all scattered like hell before the teachers came. She was okay, as tarded as ever when she came to.

We were some cruel bastards, but hey, we were dorky kids and kids are the cruelest bastards of all to other kids. Which makes me laugh at today's snowflakes that let Intarwebs words "hurt" them.

From my older than the hills school yearbook:
744491
 

tasty murder burger

If moths had eyes, would they be happier?
kiwifarms.net
I have so many school stories because I'm from somewhere very backwards but I'll stick with this stereotypically funny story for the time being but may come back and post traumatic stories from my childhood, lmao.

tdlr; teacher got a boner.

I had this really eccentric drama teacher at school, think Mr G from Summer Heights High and multiply it by 50 and you're halfway there. He was the head of drama, art, music and so on. He was married but rumoured to be closeted gay and also a big predator. Ironically, the long standing rumour was almost confirmed at school when one of my older siblings and friends - who has years on me btw - found some strange pictures of young men on his hard drive, clothed but like...still quite sexual. These circulated and the teacher got off with it by saying he was sent a virus.

Now, I never had drama as a proper examinable subject so my experience with this teacher was mostly in my younger years at high school. He was teaching us how to do stage lights, sounds, etc on this big turntable thingymbob and he starts playing really camp music and breaks out into song and dance. He asks a chubby, cocky boy to join in and it's funny...until...teacher starts grinding the air and literally gets a boner. He ran to his desk so God damn fast after that, it was odd... very creepy but hilarious. I think that whole grouping had another class after that and it was the talk of the whole period. It was so strange. Really surreal.
 

Anonymous For This

Flying pierogis at vienna.
kiwifarms.net
School was so long ago for me, but I'll never forget a particularly exceptional classmate. She was a sped, but integrated into classes with us regular functioning types. Her name was Arrlleenn and exactly the way she spelled it. Big girl with super tard powers and strengths. Her school nickname was "Animal Girl." Most of the kids were deathly afraid of her and would circle wide of her in the hallways and such. But being the exceptional idiots many of us were, some of us would taunt her. Got to be a regular game between classes. A group of us would see her in the hallway and we'd start chanting "Animal Girrrrrrllllll, Animal Girrrrrrrlllll. " She hear that and she'd turn around, lower her head like a bull, and charge us at full bore. And just like the Running of the Bulls, we'd all scatter up the hallways to avoid being gored or trampled.

This shit went on all the time and it became a running school joke until one day, she went full gallop head first into a set of lockers, knocked herself out cold. Everybody sorta just looked at her laying there on the floor, thinking she was dead, then we all scattered like hell before the teachers came. She was okay, as tarded as ever when she came to.

We were some cruel bastards, but hey, we were dorky kids and kids are the cruelest bastards of all to other kids. Which makes me laugh at today's snowflakes that let Intarwebs words "hurt" them.

From my older than the hills school yearbook: View attachment 744491
Honestly the included yearbook photo just made the visualization of that story perfect. Can you imagine being born a 'tard and your parents spell your name Arrlleenn? I feel bad for the girl, holy fuck.

When I was in elementary school, we had a similiar 'tard girl at the church I would have after-school at while my parents were at work. She was maximum 'tard. One day we were all on the basketball court and she was running around everyone like she was fucking Sanic. I was just standing there minding my own business when this chromosomally-challenged bitch slapped me across the face at full sprint. My dad came to pick me up and noticed the big ole' welt across my face.

"What in the Hell happened to you?"
"That handicapped girl just ran up and slapped me across the face."
"Hahahaha, did you slap her back?"
"No."
"Probably 'fer the best, boy."
 
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