Share Your School Stories - Weirdos, freaks, and idiots (self-inclusion optional)

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In the spirit of Valentine's Day today I'm going to share the story of my very first dance. It was in 6th grade, but it was almost Halloween, not Valentine's Day. Since it was almost Halloween we were welcome to wear our Halloween costumes, though it wasn't officially a costume party. I decided to go since the idea of going to a real dance made me feel grown up.

So, the red flag was this dance was during daylight hours. It started almost immediately after school let out, and ended at 5. Stupidly nobody in my family thought it was too weird for a middle school dance. I went home long enough to throw down my backpack and throw on my costume before going back to school.

After paying $5 to get into the cafeteria I noticed a lot of familiar faces all over the place. Everywhere I looked I saw either my classmates, or other people I knew for a fact were also sixth graders: there were absolutely no seventh or eighth graders at this dance.

Around the time I realized there were only sixth graders there I noticed that the music was pretty lame. It wasn't Kidz Bop (which was new at the time), but it was lame pop music that nobody would admit to listening to because at this school you'd get your ass kicked if you didn't listen to adult groups like Eminem. It turned out to be a radio station, likely because the teachers were too cheap to buy a couple CDs and they didn't want us to listen to uncensored music.

Since lunch was hours ago I decided I wanted to have something to eat and went to find the snack table. While I eventually found the food and drinks, there were a few teachers there guarding the table because, surprise, it wasn't included in the admission! If I wanted anything I'd have to fork over money for a bag of chips. I always thought that was included in the admission, especially since it cost $5 per person: more than enough to buy a dozen bags of chips and soda 2-liters. The snack teachers gave me a look and told me it was completely normal and I was stupid to think otherwise.

After that since I had nothing else to do I decided to find the dance floor. I wasn't dating anyone, but I didn't mind dancing by myself in the group. I found a cleared area in the crowd by the stage that was probably supposed to be the designated dancing area, but nobody was dancing. As I watched a couple walked out into it and started to dance. As soon as they did a teacher appeared out of nowhere and chased them apart. And not even "stay an arms length apart", straight up no dancing together, period. At a dance. Now I understood why only sixth graders showed up: the upper classmen already knew how exceptionally lame our school's dances are and saw zero reason to show up.

At this point since there was absolutely nothing else to do I found a classmate who lived in the same neighborhood as me and we spent the next hour and a half shittalking the dance and our teachers. People left in droves fifteen, even twenty minutes ahead of the official end time because there was no reason to stay. As they did teachers told them they'd have to pay to be re-admitted, as if they'd actually want to come back.

Dance ended, I went home and complained to my mom and sister how much it sucked at dinner. They were shocked at how lame it was, and also insisted that paying for food on top of the admissions was not normal, like the bitchy snack teachers told me.

Months passed, February rolled around and a Valentine's Day dance was advertised, but no one I knew went. The surprising thing was that people actually showed up to it, but not many. They didn't bother to hold any more until fall semester, when they had a new batch of unsuspecting suckers sixth graders to trick into attending.

Needless to say I didn't go to any more middle school dances. I was so put off I didn't go to any in high school either, except for Prom. Prom was hella expensive but at least it was a proper dance, where you could dance with your boyfriend/girlfriend, food was included in the price, and we had a real DJ playing songs off of CDs. Prom was an absolute blast.

Count groudon

Saltier than Njord's left testicle
True & Honest Fan
I nearly lost my eye at my elementary school fall carnival. They had a bunch of games set up in the cafeteria that you could play in exchange for shitty dollar store prizes, but being like 8 years old the prospect of getting a material reward for my sick ass skills was just too damn good for me to ignore. So I go over to this stand that was hosting a balloon popping game because they had this really cool bucket of purple silly putty that I wanted (and I really just wanted to play with the darts for some reason idk) and gave them my 2 bucks. They handed me the darts and told me if managed to hit a balloon with each dart I could get one of the marginally less shitty prizes on the top shelf. For some reason, this filled my puny little 3rd grade body with the holy vigor that I could only imagine Hitler felt when he remembered that one Jewish guy that ripped him off after he took over and I began chucking the darts with the calculated accuracy of a guided middle. I managed to get down to my last dart and my run had been perfect so far, each throw popped a balloon and now this one final shot was all that was standing before me and my glorious prize. I gripped the dart as tight as I could and I carefully lined it up before I slung my arm back and launched that fucker at my final target happily waiting to hear that sweet sweet popping sound that let me know I’d won. Well, the pop never came, because it turns out I’d somehow hit the balloon at just the perfect angle so that instead of piercing through the rubber, the side of the tip slapped it and ricocheted off right back towards me. I was so busy scanning the shelf for what prize I wanted that I didn’t realize what’s happened until I suddenly felt this weird sharp pain in my forehead and felt something warm trickling down the side of my nose. The fucking dart had lodged itself right into my eyebrow just a quarter of an inch away from my eyeball. The teachers running the booth immediately started freaking out, but they were being really quiet so they wouldn’t alert my parents on the other side of the room or any of the other kids. They ran over to me and started the standard “are you okay? Is everything okay?” routine, while I just blankly stared at them wondering what the fuck was happening because I guess shock or something had set in and I didn’t even feel the piece of metal stuck in my face. Thankfully it didn’t bury itself too deep so I only had a small little spot on my forehead that wasn’t even noticeable and the teachers gave me the putty I wanted so I just spent the rest of the night showing it off to my friends. They never had any games at the carnival that involved darts again for some reason though.

It’s weird to think about it now that I really understand how really fucking close that was, I almost popped my eyeball open when I was still too young to really understand division yet and my only real concern was getting some shitty toy.


Atleast things I wanna fuck are 3D
I was so severly unpopular that the one and only time I was on a date, someone asked a pair of their friends/relatives (?) to pretend-assault me and the guy (with a knife and everything, but, unlike real burglars, they didn't take anything and ran away the second a person who wasn't us noticed); needless to say, guy wouldn't even talk to me afterwards.

I have no proof it was exactly that, mind you, but that would have been one unrealistic coincidence.

Dr. Henry Armitage

Head librarian at Miskatonic University
True & Honest Fan
The special ed class wasn't staffed very well and the teachers didn't pay much attention to the kids. This changed after my freshman year. The special ed kids went around picking up each classes "recycling" Which they promptly tossed into the regular dumpster. Well some guys got in trouble for a prank and had to help them. little did anyone know their punishment was worse than anyone could have imagined. Turns out the special ed kids who took out recycling had a secret. After the "recycling" was taken out they would fuck each other behind the dumpsters, and they expected their new helpers to join in. Did not take long for the principal to find out and boy howdy was he pissed. Apparently the teachers just left them unsupervised for long periods of time. Including when they took out the "recycling".

Smaug's Smokey Hole
I went to middle school with this kid who claimed that he had N64 games that weren't even out yet since his "uncle worked at Nintendo" or some bullshit like that, and he already had the third Mario Party game when the first one had just came out. I told him to prove it by bringing the games to school which of course he never did.
I remember a bunch of kids pulling that but the one that stands out is that the kid told the truth. It wasn't his uncle though, it was his mothers new boyfriend who had given him the unreleased Super Nintendo. A genius move for someone targeting young recently divorced single mothers in the early 90's, bribe the kid with something no one else can provide. The kid was not popular at school, overlooked and easily forgotten describes him perfectly, so no one immediately marched to his house to see if it was true when he said it, no one even reacted. But he actually had the PAL Super Nintendo and Mario World a couple of months before release, I know this is true because I later went by his house for the first time ever to copy a cd to tape and noticed that he had a SNES.
Over the next few years he got a lot of hard to get hold of things from his mothers new boyfriends. Maybe she was really hot, maybe they were molesting him.