Share Your School Stories - Weirdos, freaks, and idiots (self-inclusion optional)

  • Despite what alcoholic retards are saying, there are no plans to shut down the Kiwi Farms.

Bender

I bend the truth.
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
His series on cooking with what people would likely have in their cupboards during the Kung Flu Quarantine was laughable.
I expect something like "...and after you add the caviar just take those quail eggs..." or some other out-of-touch bullshit.

At least Gary Rhodes (RIP) tried to keep the ingredients simple, dude seemed like a lovely chap and he got me interested in cooking.
 

Syaoran Li

White Trash Degenerate
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I remember as a kid in 6th Grade, two of my friends and I used to hang out on the concrete steps during recess and just chat, usually about video games, anime, or movies and TV, stuff like that.

I lived in a very rural redneck area as a kid and we didn't have enough students in our school district to justify the funding for a middle school, so 6th and 7th Graders went to the elementary school while 8th Graders took classes at the high school just down the road.

The elementary school was built on top of a hill with a playground and outdoor basketball courts at the bottom of the hill, with a flight of concrete stairs leading down there. This was where we'd often hang out.

I remember on one of the last days before the end of the school year, me and one of my buddies (we'll call him Tommy) decided to sing out loud for no real reason at all.

It was the end of 6th Grade and I was going to be home-schooled for 7th Grade the following year, so we figured we'd have one last hurrah.

We sang a bunch of country songs, I remember we started with "Whiskey River" and we even did "Jackson" with me singing Johnny Cash's lines and Tommy singing June Carter's.

I think we also sang a Big & Rich song since it was like 2005 and the Horse of a Different Color album was pretty big. Can't remember which song it was, but I know it was from that album,
 

Brain Power

This triggers the fujoshis.
kiwifarms.net
I had a sperg classmate in high school. I only knew that because he went to the bathroom in the middle of a class and the teacher used that time to say something like: "Kids, we need to talk. That guy that went to the bathroom, he has Aspergers, so he's different from us. Treat him well" in a really serious tone, as if Aspergers was a super deadly illness. If you weren't there that day, the only way you could probably tell he had something strange was that he only talked about videogames and JoJo. That was it.
 

witthel

Eternally restless
kiwifarms.net
One time someone lit a trashcan in one of the bathrooms on fire, and another time I found an empty popcorn bag in one of the toilets in the same bathroom.
 

Chan Fan

Quarantine Queen
kiwifarms.net
When I took physics in high school we had this real burn out teacher who was pretty laid back but had a lot of strange behavior, like he reeked of smoke and would say he was "going to make copies, so be quiet until I get back" but never left or returned with any papers. He made a lot of odd jokes. As long as people didn't act too stupid during class he was alright, didn't give homework and never graded anything so if you showed up, took notes and at least pretended to pay attention you'd pass (which is how I passed.) He was always talking about mathematical formulas and one day was teaching how to find "thrust." Of course it was high school and the kids laughed. A few of the guys kept asking for the formula for "phallus thrust" and the teacher would just say, "come on, you guys."

Anyway two years after I graduated he got arrested for heroin possession. He was an alright guy though so I always hoped he got his life together after that
 

Pissmaster

True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
There was one kid in elementary school who acted all smug about the kind of music he liked, asking other kids what kind of music they were into, and being all "pssh, that sucks, I like real music." That sort of thing.

His favorite band? The one he smugly said was the best, that qualifies as real music?

Fucking, of all things,

Reel Big Fish.

I didn't know who they were at the time, and he acted like I was some kind of idiot peasant philistine.
 

DrainRedRain

Autoandrogynephile
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Had a physics teacher who was a literal pedo, during high school. He would show to class early in the morning smelling of alcohol and very unkempt, his behavior was always very erratic and weird and he would joke about girl's body parts in the middle of the class.
One time, he compared some pendulum mechanics shit to the movement a woman do with her hips when walking and comparing the center of the mass with her asshole. He also asked us to open or textbooks ''very good and slow'' while giving a maniacal laugh.

Dude was a mess and one day he simply didn't show up and a new teacher took his place. We all guessed they fired him. And hopefully jailed, because yeah.
 

Kiwi Lime Pie

Tasteful even during lockdowns. 🥝🥧🐈
kiwifarms.net
One time someone lit a trashcan in one of the bathrooms on fire,
During the second semester of my 9th grade year, someone set a fire in a second floor bathroom trash can. I'm not 100% sure, but I think it was the boys lavatory. The next school day, teachers were asked determine who from their class might have been out of class -- with or without permission -- at the time leading up to the fire and forward those students' names to the office. Presumably, this was to come up with a list of possible suspects.

"Miss A" liked to read the daily report from the office during the opening minutes of her first hour class which also happened to be when my class with her met. She especially took time to read the list of currently-suspended students. I'm not sure how strict educational privacy laws were at the time, but I believe the students were listed by name with a numeric code that referred to our student handbook's list of disciplinary offenses. As I might have mentioned in another post, the two most common reasons for suspensions were insubordination and failing to show up for a detention period without an excused absence.

Some days after the fire, Miss A is going through the suspension list and she finds someone with a seldom-seen code. Knowing I always kept my handbook in my notebook, she asked, "(Kiwi Lime Pie), what's code number X for?" I look it up and tell her it's for arson. Obviously, she can't tell us who it was, and I think she quickly hid the daily report inside her class roll book before anyone could try to peek. Nevertheless, it was apparent to the entire class that the school suspended someone it believed set the fire.

Once when I was in middle school, I was waiting in line for lunch then some kid does one of those top doorframe slaps, misses, busts his head open and starts bleeding everywhere, like a pool of blood.
That was something I loved to do all throughout high school, except I used to imagine I was slam dunking a basketball and I'd briefly hang on the top part of the door frame before coming down. I did it less often after an incident from my Junior year French class.

Each of our foreign languages (French, German, and Spanish) were asked to have one of their upper level classes come up with a skit that would be presented at the middle school that Spring in an attempt to persuade eighth graders to consider taking a foreign language as an incoming Freshman. The classmates I was grouped with decided on a French version of Family Feud with a hilarious ending (where the losing team somehow had the higher score) and yours truly as the host. When it was time for each of the three groups to show the teacher and classmates our skits, my groupmates suggested I come running in from outside the classroom and do one of my doorframe dunks as a grand entrance.

I went to do it like I always had, but somehow my timing was completely off, I missed grabbing the top of the frame, instead ended up airborne, and fell flat on my back on the classroom floor. I thought my teacher was going to have a heart attack after a collective gasp from everyone. I got up right away and assured her and everyone else I was fine, and we continued the skit as if nothing happened. Afterwards, I think my teacher strongly encouraged me to not do that any more (at least not in and out of French class at minimum) on account of how bad I scared her. After I returned to my desk, I discovered I had some bad carpet burn on my right elbow. I considered myself lucky that's all that happened. I could have very easily been hurt as badly as @AnaV 's classmate, or worse.

To add insult to (my) injury, our French version of Family Feud was rejected as too impractical to perform on the road primarily because we'd need to lug some sort of game board to and from the middle school. Instead, a skit involving a mock fashion show showing off silly twists on high fashion was selected as the French class skit. I was lucky enough to be part of the group that got to go be part of the presentation, and it turned out to be pretty fun to do and well-received by the eighth grade audience.
(Edited for clarity & spelling)
 
Last edited:

Jasonfan89

Ki ki ki ma ma ma
kiwifarms.net
When I was skid in school like still young enough to play make believe. I held onto these folded up volleyball poles and started spinning around while grabbing onto it with one arm and swatting at the air with the other. Until I teacher yanked we away and asked what I was doing. I didn't understand what was going on because to me what I was doing was playing king Kong. You know the empire state building spire and all that (see video) but apparently the teacher thought I was acting like a stripper. Something i shouldn't have known about at that age.

 

Kurt Eichenwald

Your sense of control has been shattered.
kiwifarms.net
In highschool, there was a kid in my class who we called Twitch. Twitch was a little "off"(not exactly in the potato way, but more just kind of autistic), before I get on with my brief anecdote I'll give you some context as to why he was an asshole. So Twitch was once institutionalized alongside my friend B, during which time he decided to rip a page from B's Bible and eat it, because too smart for religion and therefore must eat it. B then beat the fuck out of him, and the orderlies felt this was justified. Some time later, in the lunchroom at school, he stabbed B with a fork. This was no flimsy plastic school fork either, this was Twitch's special tactical self defense fork he would bring from home on a daily basis. Also, Twitch would nuke the bathroom everyday, spending upward of 15 minutes making the most unwholesome, stomach churning, downright unnatural and unbelievably loud sounds imaginable, and leaving behind a miasma that would leave the bathroom unusable for hours, as well as leading me to speculate based on these noises that they couldn't be coming from anything that could at all be considered a sphincter. There's your context.
So one day the teacher had left the classroom for a few minutes and B and I were talking about some sort of anime/metal/nerd shit, while sitting behind Twitch. This seemed to upset his concentration on his work, because he turned around to tell us "If you don't shut up I'm telling the teacher when she gets back.", before returning to his attempts at studying. B asked me "What's his problem?" to which I replied "He's just mad because he has an inside-out rectum.". Twitch then whipped himself back around to face us and asked "How'd you know about that!?".
That was the day I died laughing.
I assumed he was literally shitting his guts everyday as a result of rough and frequent sodomy, but his explanation was that he just got constipated once as a child and pushed his butthole out, and that it had since been corrected.
I think otherwise.
 

M'aiq the Liar

Khajiit Going His Own Way
kiwifarms.net
Oh boy, where do I start..
Had a sub who was a double amputee. Was missing one of his arms and the other was a hook hand. The guy was nice enough but he always smelled like burnt flesh.

In fourth grade or something we all had to take our standardized tests. Imagine a room of 20 8-year-olds, entirely silent and working at their desks. One kid decides that won't do, so when the teacher's out he stands up on his chair, screams at the top of his lungs for a few seconds and calmly goes back to work.

Had another sub for band that made 5th grade me cry after not showing up for a concert (I had a taekwondo event on the same day) who also threw a chair at another kid. Turned out to be a massive alkie and I swear I saw him at a music concert a couple of years ago.

In seventh grade was the one and only time I got in trouble. Creepy kid kept sending me pics so I and a friend got together and photoshopped his face into a bunch of shit, like onto anime girls with big tits (i could dig the pics up if anyone wanted). Before that I was always afraid of getting into trouble but to this day I am fucking proud of that moment because it marked the beginning of my shitposter career. Teacher vagued about me in front of the whole class and gave a spiel about 'taking responsibility online' but he let us play minecraft every friday so that was cool.

Had a giant fucking crush on this one girl and one day in English she just changes her shirt next to me like nothing. We were in the back rows so no one else saw, but it wasn't a big classroom in the first place so that shocked me. Also happened with a guy I liked during a hypnosis show, so I guess I just have really good luck with seeing people take their shirts off.

My TA was hosted in the computer lab, and it was a big mistake giving me the ability to display 20 different screensavers to whoever walked by. I put Animorphs book covers as all the screensavers among other things and would do daily upkeep to make sure they stayed that way. For anyone who doesn't know/has repressed their memories of these literary masterworks, I'll put a few under the spoiler. They're good for a laugh.

40cover.jpg

animorphs.jpg
Gym teacher took us on a little canoe trip. The idea was that we'd set off under this bridge and go downstream to where the high school was. Only thing was that the dude chose the local Heroin Bridge as the start off point, so it was already a shit idea to go under the bridge, where the ground was littered with needles and broken glass and we were all wearing sandals. Anyway, that's not the main part. Someone had an hero'd under the bridge that night and the body was still there at the time we arrived. It wasn't immediately obvious until someone pointed it out, and at first the gym teacher was in denial and said it was a rock. The phrase "That's not a rock, it has arms" is etched into my brain. Realization sets in and we all back the fuck up and the cops eventually arrive. Needless to say I don't like canoeing and stay the fuck away from that bridge.

There happens to be a bank across from the school. Anyway, someone with a gun robs it and crosses the street to go on campus. School is immediately on lockdown and I hang out in the fetal position for about 2 hours. There was a standoff between the guy and the cops for like 90 minutes until they finally shoot the guy on the baseball field. All in all a standard piece of the American Public School Experience™, but the shitty part was that this is a small town so he had gone to this school, so a lot of teachers remembered teaching him. His younger brother was also at the school, and while he's scummy in his own right I do feel bad this happened to him.

This all probably makes where I live sound like a violent shithole, but I promise it's nice :)

I have some other shit but I don't want to make this post more of an essay than it already is. I'll share that if anyone wants.
 

Jasonfan89

Ki ki ki ma ma ma
kiwifarms.net
A local news story broke once about some drug dealers who smuggled Columbian sugar aka cocaine by mixing it in homemade lollipops or the centers of hollow ones. Then put the wrappers of real lollis on them to hide what they were and a few of these fakes had somehow ended up in retail stores.


So my friends and I were watching this story as it broke and one of friends left for the store. He came back with every lollipop he would by and then crushes them into a purple powder and then used a razor to make lines. Like the ones used go snort powdered coke. He took a hit right up his nose and the started to look all weird. Turning red and everything. We asked if he was OK, if he was getting wired and he sneezed up. And not only that but it was fucking purple! Purple snot discolored by the sugar. The second time he sneezed up blood too. Apparently some shards of candy weren't crushed up enough and the idiot had cut the inner lining of his nose just trying to get high off ground up candy.
 

MysticMisty

kiwifarms.net
I will never forget the first day we used textbooks in Spanish class back in 6th grade. Before we were allowed to get them our teacher, a short and fat woman from Venezuela (I think) who was nice and awesome, warned us that these books were old, from the 70's. She explained that these books have been vandalized and she'd been asking the school for a long ass time for new textbooks, but they didn't see the need for a class that "hasn't changed". So she asked to please just ignore the vandalism, don't look at it, and there's no point in complaining to her or our parents because the school gave no fucks about Spanish. And then she let us get a book.

I am not exaggerating when I state that literally every page in these books was vandalized. The most universal edit among the books was the pictures accompanying some of the example conversations. Any full body shot had dicks and balls drawn over the guy's crotches, and women had boobs and bushes (it was the 70's). A torso shot with a women had just boobs. If it as only men, they'd just write cuss words or draw dicks anyways. In the margins were dirty poems and lists of cuss words. Not even necessarily "how to say pussy in Spanish", it's be just "piss shit ass dick fuck". Or "FUCK YOU". Or pictures of dicks and vaginas.

The book I chose was extra "special" though, because when I turned to page whatever like the teacher asked, there were no photos on that page. So someone took it upon themselves to draw a couple having sex. I only know this from the dialog, the drawing was so badly done I couldn't figure out what the perspective or position even was. It might've been a top-down perspective, and they were sitting on the floor and trying to inch it in? Or something? I made a note of which page and showed it to my friends later to attempt to figure out what the fuck I was looking at, but they couldn't make heads or tails of that shit either.

The funniest thing that ever happened in that class happened in November. This was shortly after Taco Bell debuted chalupas and the famous "Sir, drop the chalupa" commercial, which will be important later.

Since this was a foreign language class we'd frequently pair or group up to recite skits we'd create. Our teacher also let us work together on any in class assignment aside from quizzes and tests, so there'd usually be a lot of talking, but rarely excessively so.

So we were working and talking, nothing out of the ordinary, until a voice I didn't recognize was suddenly screaming "shut up!". I looked up, and this older black girl I've never seen before had appeared in our class and was screaming at us to shut up at practically the top of her lungs. Everybody started laughing, it was like Mr. Fatty, you couldn't help it. She was running around, yelling shut up in the direction of various students, when she yelled in the general direction of the fattest kid in class. Fat Kid in response tells her "Sir, drop the chalupa", he actually fucking said it, and we laughed even harder. This makes Angry Girl even angrier and she starts chewing Fat Kid out specifically. Fat Kid tells her "Sir, I'm serious, you need to drop the chalupa." Angry Girl gets right up in his face to scream now, and Fat Kid pulls away and goes "Hoo! Damn, you need a Tictac!" while waving a hand in front of his face. Now we're roaring with laughter and Angry Girl just resorts to screaming incomprehensibly. Or maybe I was just laughing too hard to understand her anymore.

Either way this actually goes on for several more minutes before Angry Girl disappears off to where ever she came from, I didn't even notice because I was laughing so hard. The teacher encourages us to take some deep breaths and calm down (while grinning herself), and we gradually do so. As this happens one of my classmates says that the girl came from (and presumably left by) the inner door, which leads to some pseudo offices/conference areas. More importantly, she was followed by a teacher, who stood there and watched the whole thing happen. She had asked the teacher why she's letter her freak the fuck out, who in responses said some bullshit answer about how she's allowed to because she's an 8th grader and we are usually too loud in here anyways.

Let me tell you this girl was way louder than we'd ever been in this class, or any other class save Mr. Fatty by a longshot. Our teacher thought so too and intended to have a talk with the other teacher, and in the meantime to just whisper. She never enforced it after that day, however, so I guess the other teacher admitted that was bullshit too.

I still wonder what happened for Angry Girl to just freak out on us like that, though. And then I laugh because it was funny as hell.
 
Tags
None