Share Your School Stories - Weirdos, freaks, and idiots (self-inclusion optional)

AnOminous

But I'm not mad at anyone.
True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff
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In middle school, my math teacher gave another student a detention for not doing an extra credit assignment. Kid then decided that he and the teacher were mortal enemies or something. For the next month or so, every class they would get into an argument for a few minutes or so.

I had a teacher like this too, fuck that cunt. Bitch decided she hated me like first day of class. And I just decided I hated her, too, and would do anything to get revenge. She would sometimes just throw me out of class the moment she came in, and I would yell "I didn't even do anything yet!" Even though I did have something planned.
 

Kari Kamiya

"I beat her up, so I gave her a cuck-cup."
True & Honest Fan
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In either first or second grade one recess, I climbed up to the very top of one of those dome climbers monkey bars and then started crying and wouldn't budge. I was an itty-bitty thing and everything looked so high up that I couldn't get down 'cause of vertigo or I thought I'd break a leg trying to get down. My teacher had to practically come get me. I had fallen off of the monkey bars first time trying them in first grade (didn't break any bones despite the weird angle, just a scrape), so that might've had to do with why I froze up like that. It would take me a few years before I could push myself to go across them (either for better arm strength or just to get a little taller).

This is a really weird thing for me 'cause at that age, I had climbed to the very top of the rock climbing at the science center just fine, but maybe that was okay because of the harness and knew I could be caught should I have fallen.
 

OvercookedBacon

Ever so slightly burnt
kiwifarms.net
Infuriating childhood memory time!

Fifth grade, 1995-1996 or so, mandated PE class.
The boys' group is walking from the main building to the football field when I feel someone stroking my back. I say stop. Few seconds later, this continues. And again. Finally I have enough of this, turn around and punch the kid. The PE coach was watching this the entire time. He takes me to the principal's office, tells him I "punched a boy for no reason" and paddles me himself. He'd also taken to forcing me to sit in the purposefully poorly maintained visitors' bleachers and watching everyone else, since I was the awkward, unathletic kid.
There's a chance that coach may be dead now. If so, one of these days I plan on literally pissing on his grave.

Same year, English class.
Periodical trips to the school library were one of my few escapes in elementary school, but since this is being posted here, you know the story's going to go sideways. The touchy-feely kid from earlier thought it would be fun to follow me around the room and rub his body against mine, no matter how many times I moved. Finally I had enough and told the teachers, even though they could clearly see what was going on. "Uh, we can't stop him from following you." Uh, yeah you can, you're teachers, you can do that?
Borderline sexual assault enabling fucks. If I could get away with it, I'd somehow level the building.

No, I'm not bitter at all, what makes you say that? /s
 

Molester Stallone

Trust me, I'm a doctor.
kiwifarms.net
When I was in 8th grade we had an in class assignment that consisted of us giving a speech in front of the class while the teacher recorded it. The idea was he would then play it back in front of everyone and point out everything you did wrong. It was awkward as hell to say the least. About halfway through this girls speech the kid in front of me starts choking on a piece of candy. The teacher didn't miss a beat and immediately cleared the obstruction using the Heimlich maneuver. Obviously the whole thing was caught on camera, and from what I understand it was later used in an instructional video as an example of how to apply the Heimlich maneuver.
 

Kiwi Lime Pie

So tasteful, it's spooky. 🥝🥧🐈
kiwifarms.net
In middle school, my math teacher gave another student a detention for not doing an extra credit assignment.
From this thread, my related contribution would be the 8th grade substitute that yelled at me for sitting quietly with my head down on my desk after I finished all my in-class and homework assignments up to that point of the day. I didn't get a detention, but I probably would have had she heard me make a reference under my breath to her being overweight as she walked away from me.

I had a teacher like this too, fuck that cunt. Bitch decided she hated me like first day of class. And I just decided I hated her, too, and would do anything to get revenge.
I ended up hating my 5th grade teacher. I believe I have a post earlier in this thread where I describe the two incidents that led me to lose all respect for her. One was in 5th grade where I was falsely accused of calling a female classmate a bitch and being dismissed as a liar when I denied it. The other was two years later when she removed me from our equivalent of the gifted student group she ran because I allegedly had too many missing assignments even though my regular teachers said I was current with my work. I lost most of my respect for her after that.

When I ran into this teacher again as a young adult, I said as little as possible to her beyond hello and polite yet minimal small talk. When my parents later asked why I was unusually impersonal, I finally told them what had happened years ago between her and I.

When I was in 8th grade we had an in class assignment that consisted of us giving a speech in front of the class while the teacher recorded it. The idea was he would then play it back in front of everyone and point out everything you did wrong. It was awkward as hell to say the least.
In 6th grade, the reading teacher we had was awful. Part of our tuition included an academic year's subscription to something called either Weekly Reader or Scholastic Reader (or something along those lines). On and off during the week's reading lessons, we'd read selected items from this reader and have to answer obscure/pointless questions about what we read as part of our class grade.

One particular week, our teacher decided to do an audio recording of us reading a script version of some sort of Star Wars parody. Most of the class was assigned roles to read and we proceeded to read the play while being taped. Being the age we were, there plenty of mistakes, giggles, and other imperfections. When we finished and the teacher replayed the tape for us, many people were shocked to hear what their voices sounded like and others poked fun at the voices or other mistakes being made in the reading of the various lines. There was nothing educational or constructive about taping this particular day's reading, so it seemed like a stupid waste of time.
 

MysticMisty

kiwifarms.net
I had a teacher like this too, fuck that cunt. Bitch decided she hated me like first day of class. And I just decided I hated her, too, and would do anything to get revenge. She would sometimes just throw me out of class the moment she came in, and I would yell "I didn't even do anything yet!" Even though I did have something planned.
This was my 6th grade science teacher. I don't know why, I guess we just had incompatible personalities, but while I tried to act as neutral as possible she came down hard on me every chance she got. One day she was chewing me out for no reason, and as I was walking back to my desk I slipped on someone's notebook and accidentally tore the cover. I tried to apologize, but the guy ignored me, went up to Mrs. Science Bitch, and said I tore his notebook on purpose.

This other kid who hated my ass overheard this and decided to get me in trouble too. He ran to the front of the class and told Mrs. Science Bitch I flipped him off as I walked by, which I definitely didn't do, I didn't even make eye contact with him because I hated him for hating me. Even though Mrs. Science Bitch saw everything she couldn't resist such a opportunity to bitch me out in front of everyone, and then sent me to the office with a demand to give me detention or lunch detention.

Notebook kid escorted me to the office, and on our way there I said it really was an accident that I stepped on his notebook. He smirked and said he knew, that he put the notebook down there in the hopes I'd step on it because he hated my ass, too. Unfortunately the office didn't believe all three conspired against me (separately) and gave me lunch detention anyways, just like whenever Mr. Fatty demanded punishment too. I did not go to lunch detention. They didn't notice due to poor recordkeeping (which I knew about from prior lunch detentions).

Recently my mom accidentally found a 6th grade report card she'd kept and we looked over it together. Every one of my teachers had nice things to say about me, except for Mrs. Science Bitch. It made her grudge stand out like a sore thumb and we laughed about it.

The weird thing is that almost all the science teachers I've had hated me and were also Science Bitches (or Bastards). Especially since I don't even hate science, I love geology, and I'm interested in meteorology as well. All the science teachers who hated me also thought geology and meteorology were the worst and most pointless of the science fields as well.
 

MerriedxReldnahc

World's Okay-est Proctologist
True & Honest Fan
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I've always been a pretty soft-spoken person and doesn't start shit, especially with an authority figure, so I never talked back to teachers or gave them attitude (though I've been accused of doing so!), it just felt like more trouble than it was worth. I don't want to get sent to the office and get yelled at for 40 minutes, I've got shit to do! But 5th/6th grade me did get pretty snarky with my P.E teacher once, it would have been pretty based had I not chickened out and tried to retract the joke.

He was taking attendance for something specific, maybe the presidential fitness test? When he called our names he demanded (becasue everything was a demand with this man) that we answer by stating our favorite physical activity. Now young Reldnahc was at her heaviest in life, hated sports, and hated this man. I also had been reading a lot of Calvin and Hobbes and admired Calvin's chutzpah. So when he called my name, I answered "Getting up to turn on the TV" hoping to get at least a chuckle out of my classmates. What I got was stony silence and the immediate feeling that I'd done something Terribly Wrong. My coach almost sadly asked if that really was what I liked and since my nerve had vanished I quickly changed my answer to running. I hated running but it's all I could think of. (Which is funny becasue I love it now!) Sometime later I was hanging out with my friends and he came over to once again, in his pitying tone of voice, ask if that was what I reeeeeally liked??? . And once again I simply said "RUNNING". becasue I was done with this guy acting sorry for me after being such a dick all year.

But I kinda wish I never changed my answer and stuck with the TV business. I'm sure that would have resulted in him taking me aside later for some weird lecture where he'd try to make me feel as bad as possible about not enjoying how people scream at you for not balling the sportsball correctly according to the 700 sportsball rules.
 

喪女

"mojyo"
kiwifarms.net
There is one story that sticks out to me mainly because it's too fucking stupid to make up.

Around the time I was taking college preparatory courses to get into post-secondary I was going to class with a girl who I'll call Anna.

We were in the same course, and that day was Chemistry 101. The teacher asked a group of twenty and thirty year olds to write down examples of solids, liquids, and gasses. Kindergarten level, right? So I proceed to write just about anything I can think of into it's co-responding category and I glance over at Anna's sheet. I notice that she writes "hair" into the liquid category.

Perplexed, I asked her why she wrote it there. "Well, you know Mojyo. Hair flows."

"... Flows?"

"Yeah, you see it described like that all the time."

I had to explain to her that her hair wasn't actually meeting the scientific definition of flowing, that it was just an adjective to describe long locks.

This story still makes me laugh to this day. She went on to become a nurse after taking that course.
 

FuckedUp

Professional Glowposter
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
There is one story that sticks out to me mainly because it's too fucking stupid to make up.

Around the time I was taking college preparatory courses to get into post-secondary I was going to class with a girl who I'll call Anna.

We were in the same course, and that day was Chemistry 101. The teacher asked a group of twenty and thirty year olds to write down examples of solids, liquids, and gasses. Kindergarten level, right? So I proceed to write just about anything I can think of into it's co-responding category and I glance over at Anna's sheet. I notice that she writes "hair" into the liquid category.

Perplexed, I asked her why she wrote it there. "Well, you know Mojyo. Hair flows."

"... Flows?"

"Yeah, you see it described like that all the time."

I had to explain to her that her hair wasn't actually meeting the scientific definition of flowing, that it was just an adjective to describe long locks.

This story still makes me laugh to this day. She went on to become a nurse after taking that course.
Did she have a brother named Kevin?
 

CWCissey

Charming Man
True & Honest Fan
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For a change, here's a story of someone actually doing something but getting away with it.

I was in 6th Form Chemistry and some mouthy little shit from Year 8 was sent in to our classroom because he was being a knob in his classroom. First thing he does is exclaim 'I'm not going in there, they stink!'

I'm not having this tard interfering with my education, so I flicked the V's at him and he starts going off on one. The teacher didn't believe that I'd do that and ended up putting him in internal expulsion.

The teacher even asked when she came back if I did it and I admitted it, saying it was for the good of the classroom. All the teacher could do was look sheepish and say 'But you didn't do it, right Moz?'
 

Kiwi Lime Pie

So tasteful, it's spooky. 🥝🥧🐈
kiwifarms.net
Holy shit I remember those. It was like a crappy news paper for kids right? I always thought it was dumb as hell to call it the Weekly Reader when it was only distributed once a month.
I don't recall the monthly distribution, but I'll believe you because I believe these periodicals (whether labeled newspapers or magazines) contained enough content for teachers to use 1-2 articles a week over the course of the month after it was received. Crappy is probably a good assessment because I now remember how unimpressed I was with an article that featured random trivia about then-popular professional athletes. In retrospect, that article reminds me of those articles found on shit-tier sites such as Buzzfeed that present bullet-pointed lists of uninteresting details they think people want to know or should know.

I also remember an article where a kid in our age group (11-12 years old) needed a bone marrow transplant and having the transplant process described in full (if not graphic) detail. I felt for anyone who found that article too squeamish for their liking.

To be fair, though, the subscription did have one nice benefit: the class, with parental approval, could order storybooks from a list of books and titles popular for time and pay what seemed to be greatly discounted prices. The offerings usually varied each month, and there was no obligation to buy anything month to month. When a rather popular film came out during the school year, nearly the entire class bought the storybook version when it was offered. Once the order arrived for the month, we spent our free time reading and discussing the differences between the book and film versions along with the fact that the hardcover book version had different illustrations for some scenes than the softcover version did.
 

saralovesjuicyfruit

kiwifarms.net
Infuriating childhood memory time!

Fifth grade, 1995-1996 or so, mandated PE class.
The boys' group is walking from the main building to the football field when I feel someone stroking my back. I say stop. Few seconds later, this continues. And again. Finally I have enough of this, turn around and punch the kid. The PE coach was watching this the entire time. He takes me to the principal's office, tells him I "punched a boy for no reason" and paddles me himself. He'd also taken to forcing me to sit in the purposefully poorly maintained visitors' bleachers and watching everyone else, since I was the awkward, unathletic kid.
There's a chance that coach may be dead now. If so, one of these days I plan on literally pissing on his grave.

Same year, English class.
Periodical trips to the school library were one of my few escapes in elementary school, but since this is being posted here, you know the story's going to go sideways. The touchy-feely kid from earlier thought it would be fun to follow me around the room and rub his body against mine, no matter how many times I moved. Finally I had enough and told the teachers, even though they could clearly see what was going on. "Uh, we can't stop him from following you." Uh, yeah you can, you're teachers, you can do that?
Borderline sexual assault enabling fucks. If I could get away with it, I'd somehow level the building.

No, I'm not bitter at all, what makes you say that? /s

Something like that (but worse) happened to my sister in her freshman year of high school. A [negro] boy who sat behind her in class literally ran his bare dick across her back. My mom was furious when she found out, and raised hell with the teacher. They told her they basically couldn't do anything to punish the behavior because the boy was technically below the IQ threshold for mental retardation (he wasn't anywhere near profoundly retarded, though; he knew what he was doing).
He was one of like maybe 2 or 3 blacks in our whole school system, and if you know anything about demographics and IQ, technically like almost half of all American blacks fall below the IQ threshold for mental retardation since it's 80 and their average is just 85.

I don't recall the monthly distribution, but I'll believe you because I believe these periodicals (whether labeled newspapers or magazines) contained enough content for teachers to use 1-2 articles a week over the course of the month after it was received. Crappy is probably a good assessment because I now remember how unimpressed I was with an article that featured random trivia about then-popular professional athletes. In retrospect, that article reminds me of those articles found on shit-tier sites such as Buzzfeed that present bullet-pointed lists of uninteresting details they think people want to know or should know.

I also remember an article where a kid in our age group (11-12 years old) needed a bone marrow transplant and having the transplant process described in full (if not graphic) detail. I felt for anyone who found that article too squeamish for their liking.

To be fair, though, the subscription did have one nice benefit: the class, with parental approval, could order storybooks from a list of books and titles popular for time and pay what seemed to be greatly discounted prices. The offerings usually varied each month, and there was no obligation to buy anything month to month. When a rather popular film came out during the school year, nearly the entire class bought the storybook version when it was offered. Once the order arrived for the month, we spent our free time reading and discussing the differences between the book and film versions along with the fact that the hardcover book version had different illustrations for some scenes than the softcover version did.

We used to have that at my elementary school too. I remember we got it every Friday but there were definitely periods where it just didn't show up for a long time. I remember one specific issue that had a lesson about E. coli and the cover had a photo of a girl holding one end of a peanut in her mouth with a camel holding the other end in its mouth.
 

Some Random Soul

Ain't it random tho?
kiwifarms.net
Elementary school: As I posted on another thread a while back, jumping off the swing was considered 'dangerous' and caused me to be taken to the principal's office. Wheeee!

6th grade: I almost got detention because I basically failed a project on this book that everyone in the class had to read. The teacher was angry as all hell and even threw my pencil towards the door (granted, some of it was justified, but I wouldn't know how to explain throwing my own student's pencil if I was her). After her little rant, I got up, picked up my pencil, and trudged back to my desk. She was a mean teacher and had gotten mad at me over things I considered highly trivial (at least at the time) before including the organization of my binder (it was a mess, I'll give her that) and a glass jar of jaw-breakers that I wanted to give to a teacher-assistant of mine because she wanted them (because apparently we weren't allowed to have glass in the building but no one had mentioned that to me).

Freshman year: There were a few weeks when bomb threat after bomb threat after bomb threat would be called in. We all had to evacuate every time (to the point where some teachers, including mine, were calling it ridiculous), and we were even taken to a church and sheltered there until we could get on a bus and go home, all while the bomb squad investigated the threat. I don't believe anything ever happened to whoever was doing it.

(Junior and senior year take place in a vocational school)

Junior year: Among many others, this is the most interesting:

We had a pond behind the building that students were allowed to fish in as long as they got permission from the superintendent. Enough people kept doing it without permission that the superintendent cut off the fishing completely. However, our carpentry lab instructor was defiant and, on our last day of school, had us all bring fishing equipment and we all went fishing behind the superintendent's back. Unfortunately I was unable to catch anything but my classmates would get nibbles every once in a while and may have even caught one. To this day I don't know if he's gotten in trouble for it or if he even would since they've moved into a completely new building.

Senior year: Occasionally I would be a sneaky dude and would be looking for a place within the lab to hide in without being seen (when we weren't working on projects of course). This would sometimes include squeezing within the interior of roofing projects (all it was was a small framing with rafters on it and that was it) or chests as I had/have reflexes and was not afraid of living dangerously in that regard. I would leave the stuff as it was, however, and not damage it for obvious reasons.
 

Molester Stallone

Trust me, I'm a doctor.
kiwifarms.net
When I was in high school we had an unused dark room nestled away in the back of our wood shop. It was a leftover from when our school taught photography. There was a second door that allowed access to an abandoned classroom that was mostly used for storage. We used to sneak in there while in shop class and smoke. It worked out great because the fans still functioned and would remove the smoke allowing us to not worry about getting caught. One day I left the cafeteria early to enjoy a smoke before the second half of my day. I opened the door to the darkroom and there was the assistant principal and two of her favorite teachers smoking. They of course had the deer in the headlights look about them, and it got even better when I asked to see their pass. After that I never saw them in the room again. I put a piece of tape on the second door to see if it was opened from the other side and it remained untouched for the rest of the school year.
 

yoshitsune

Genpei cowboy
kiwifarms.net
I don't know why I just remembered this university story because I pretty much never went to lectures, never socialized with anyone and only ever showed up at the place for either lab work because it was mandatory and for exams. I did socialize with 2 new people but they were from different faculties because we used the same gym that we were allowed to use for free because we were students. One of them kept talking about how her department, nay, the entire faculty is a mess and always talked about the professors she had. Because of that, I ironically knew much more hot gossip and happenings in her faculty and department than mine.

The drama at her department was spearheaded by two professors, somehow one was the head of the department and the other the vice head and they hated each other because the latter fucked the former's wife. That's why nothing could ever be done since one would veto the other out of spite if they both didn't agree on something, and apparently they rarely ever agreed on something. This has allegedly been going on for more than 2 decades. How one of those two fucks didn't get replaced as one of the heads of the department is beyond me... or anyone else for that matter.
During my 3rd year I heard about some shit happening at my faculty, even more specifically at MY DEPARTMENT, because apparently someone cleaned out an entire office of its furniture and computer all of which was around $2500 worth and nobody knew who the fuck did it. What's more it was a vacant office which surprised me because it was on the ground floor surrounded with offices that were occupied. Now what the fuck does the first part of the story have to do with the second? Now prepare yourself for the craziest shit ever.
A month later at the gym she started talking about how it has been discovered that the vice head of her department was the culprit all along. Right after retiring he somehow emptied an entire vacant office in a faculty building that was one hour walking distance from his own faculty building and nobody knew who the fuck did it for a month.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! You see, that place wasn't vacant, for around a decade that same guy somehow managed to use that "vacant" office as his rent free apartment for the days he didn't feel like going back home for sleeping, relaxing, inviting the head of the department's wife for fucking etc.
But wait... there's more. Despite being discovered, in the end nobody pressed charges. Not my department, not my faculty, not my university, not my government, nobody.

The motherfucker somehow had carte blanche to turn an office at a different faculty into his man-cave for a decade, then when he retired he just took everything that was inside and skedaddled. He wasn't found out for a month after his master thief-level furniture heist. Nobody went after him for stealing university property. I wonder just what kind of pull that guy had. Did he have blackmail tapes of every rector of the university throatfucking prostitutes to death? How the hell can one man get away with so much?
 

Frosty Fetus

I have strawberry periods. Go on, have a slurp.
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When I was in middle school I was in a special ed class. During my third year I watched a retarded kid try and kill himself with an unsharpened pencil. The retard was having a tough time with his math, and instead of asking the teacher for help he instead whipped out a pencil from his dinky pencil pouch and started stabbing himself in the chest over and over.
 

MerriedxReldnahc

World's Okay-est Proctologist
True & Honest Fan
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There was a kid at my elementary school a few grades above me named Mack who holds the distinction of being the first retarded kid I ever witnessed. Nice enough kid I suppose, just very very obviously a tard. My kindergarden teacher had a tradition where we'd read a book to a class on our birthday, and when we were in the 4th grade she'd get a hold of us to come back and read the same book to the current kindergarden class. Mack was in the 4th grade when I was a kindergardener, and I remember him coming in and doing his very best to read a book to us. We were told carefully by our teacher that he had a "heart problem" which even at 5 I knew clearly wasn't the problem, as he was literally drooling and spoke like he had a sock in his mouth. Sometime in high school I was talking with a guy around the same age as Mack who told me a interesting story about poor Mack, apparently some joker and future Kiwi Farms user informed Mack he was in fact, a girl. This lead Mack to try to cut his penis off with safety scissors in the girl's bathroom.
When I was in middle school I was in a special ed class. During my third year I watched a retarded kid try and kill himself with an unsharpened pencil. The retard was having a tough time with his math, and instead of asking the teacher for help he instead whipped out a pencil from his dinky pencil pouch and started stabbing himself in the chest over and over.
I saw your post come up right as I was typing this, its Tard Pencil Seppuku VS. Tard Scissor Transition!
 
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