Shitty Etsy Products -

NoReturn

CEO Wash & Smash llc.
kiwifarms.net
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Pikachu to take a bite out of TERFs :story:
love the added detail of a botched tail surgery lol
I was just about to say the same thing.
For context, male pikachu have a flat-tipped tail, but females have one that looks like the top of a heart.
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There's even a bit in the anime where Ash's pikachu disguises itself as a female:
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Note that neither pikachu has a giant gaping hole in the middle of their tail that looks like a cat's tail after being caught in a car engine.
 

Aaa0aaa0

internet sticker enthusiast
kiwifarms.net
CHANGE OF PLANS BITCHES, WE'RE GOING TO SUMMON SOME SERIOUS SHIT!!!

Last time I said I was going to dive into drugs, but then I remembered how much metaphysical stuff was sold on etsy and had to look at the most expensive items on there. I had to switch to my PC since the descriptions are 100x longer than regular etsy listings and I want all of you to enjoy the crazy.
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First, our most expensive item. And it's in 3 people's carts!
Have you ever heard of a "philosopher's stone"? Not the one from Harry Potter! Philosopher's stone is a real thing, back in medieval time, is an heavily enchanted crystal, used daily by a black magician, wizard or Wicca witch. We all know crystals can store their owner's energy, memory and wisdom, and the philosopher stone contains it's owner's life time of experience, programming and power.

For sale is a Citrine tower I have been using in money ritual for the last 20 years. It's been sitting on a large of pile of cash, whenever I made cash or found extra money, I place it under the tower and it will push the money energy into the universe, then the energy will reflect back into my life. I found that every time I add money under the tower, I get a break in my finances, and that money comes back to me in multiples. The pyramid tower is binded with Bune, the powerful money spirit I've worked with. It has taken me from a flat broke college student, to a day trader who buy and sell million dollars worth stock and bond everyday. It had taken me through many jobs and stations in life, to founding many businesses, to a career in the financial industry. The lesson it taught me will be the lessons it teaches you, the magical experiences I gain through blood and sweat, stored in this stone, will be your's to own.

This pyramid is not for every one, definitely not for someone who want to "get rich quick". It's for millionaire who plans to become billionaires. It's for that real estate mongol who wants become a developer tycoon. It's for that trader with a 6 digit bonus aiming for that 9 digit bonus. It's for that venture capitalist moving towards the biggest IPO of the century.

Yes, you need to be a proficient practitioner of western ceremonial magick to use a philosopher's stone. If you have no idea what you are doing, it will just be a pretty rock, it brings good "Feng shui" and will probably bring you a few unexpected drops of income, but you won't get the most out of it. It's like a super computer, if you are not a scientist, it is just a heavy paper weight, you can play games on it, use it to watch net flix etc, but you will never know it's worth. So this magical instrument is not for everybody. If you can't afford it, or think it's too expensive then it's not for you. I know that seems harsh but I want this stone to go to a good home.

(if you want more information, go google the financial benefit of Citrine and the magical properties of a pyramid.)

Optional bonus. I will also make myself available for unlimited magick consultation for 2 months, along 8 weekly intense money rituals, with Bune or wealth demon / Angel of your choice, and 8 weekly magic protection rituals to defend you from potential psychic attacks, usually from your competitor who grew jealous of your success.

This is the most powerful enchanted item in my arsenal. Bune asked me to put it up for sale, because he want to visit more lives. If you are reading this and feel oddly attracted to this stone, and can't stop thinking about this for several days, that means Bune had lead you to this item.

Honestly, I don't want to sell this, this stone is a huge part of my life, parting with this philosopher's stone is like cutting off a limp for me, but I was just laying in bed the other day, and if I were to die tomorrow, all my enchanted items will be trashed, and their magical properties will be forever gone.

In any case, if this philosopher's stone is speaking to you, get it now before I change my mind.

After purchase, (optional )
I will briefly consult you base on the information you provide.
I will perform a black magick ritual, binding the demon with you (or the gift recipient) with this philosopher's stone
I will send the item via mail. Free shipping.

Ships from the United States, my work takes me to different countries, right now I am in the US, but it could be shipped from anywhere depends when you ordered it.

As per Etsy's terms and condition. All metaphysical claims are for entertainment purpose only. No metaphysical outcome is implied or warrantied. No refunds, although I will do everything in my power to make it right for you.

I feel like if you're retarded enough to spend money on this you either have enough money that it doesn't matter or are going to acrew negative money after this. Just a theory.

Next, we have.... a tooth.

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A tooth you can be proud of:
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I believe it can hold me through the dark times, solid as a rock that tooth.

Apparently it's made of secrets and is supposedly a saint.
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I think their etsy picture is gore or some other raw meat:(
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Their other etsy listing is also insane.
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Apparently Ms. Twyman was not a cannonical saint but a researcher into the occult who's death is disputed. This is what I could find on her. Poor gal, she doesn't need this loony taking advantage of her (not like it matters - no one's buying). Also love how the material of the VHS tape is entirely made of "spirit".

Does anyone here have a cow they particularly hate and have about 5.5k$ to blow? Because I got a spell for you:
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(bold is mine)
This curse will bring total destruction and death to your enemies. This is a powerful curse that will go down into generations. This curse will carry with them into future reincarnation. Think very carefully before buying.

This is most vile, toxic, and venomous spell. It will cause extreme pain and destruction to the target. It will also destroy their reputation, take away all their earthly possessions, and ruin everything they've done in their life. It will bring the target certain death. Reserved for the most despicable people in society. You will have to proof to me that your target is really, really bad person.

I once cast this spell on behalf of a female friend who was traumatized by an authority figure, but because of his station in life, he could not be touched legally. Shortly after I casted the spell, that man's history of impropriety was exposed, he was fried from his job and his reputation ruined. Within a year he was diagnosed with nasal cancer and died a horrible disfiguring death.

I have a lot of demons friends who are inclined to cause death and destruction in the world, but in need of a target. Instead of causing random destruction to humanity, all I am doing, as a black magician, is directing them to destroy the lives of bad people. In a way, I am actually saving a good person from bad things happening to them by assigning their demise to a bad person.

This is very serious curse, with very serious consequences.


This curse also causes extreme strain for me, so it needs be very expensive, for the time it will take me to recover.

As the black magician, I will also be taking the blunt of the "recoil", or "blow back" from the curse, this is not the same as Karma, but just the immediate energy returned in the opposite direction. Sort of like firing a rifle and the gun pushes back into your chest.

I have the right to refuse any client, for any reason, especially to those who plan to abuse this ritual.
MSRP 30 000 USD. I know some people had paid up to half million US dollars for similar rituals.

If you cannot convince me that the curse is justified, I will refund your money and forget we've ever spoke.

I may consider up to 10 targets per ritual, but all the names on your "hit list" must be justified.

Confidentiality is guaranteed.

Spell will be casted within 2 to 3 weeks. I will have to host this ritual in a motel room. I don't want this energy in my house.

As per Etsy's terms of service, you will receive the following tangible goods.

Photos of the ritual
Report of the ritual
These items are considered religious art or products of divination.

As per Etsy's terms of service. For entertainment only. No metaphysical out come implied or warrantied. You are buying a piece of my original, religious art work as tangible good. No refunds.
" For entertainment only. " That's a lot of money for entertainment.

If we're feeling extra dangerous, we can even bind our souls to demons (for 4k$!)
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Maybe we should post this every time someone comes up to us asking for a personal army? I'm sure that'll be great for the twitter tards slighted by some ho.


This isn't expensive, this was in the ads, but what the fuck:
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At least the bottom disclaimer helps.

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Do we have any cows in need of a sucubus GF? Because I got a product for them (or you, lonely internet virgin)!
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Janeudhari, a hybrid demon-vampire with the female sexual power of a full harem! Azila is not for the newbee to spirit-keeping or the curious; this is one very dark and wonderfully powerful spirit, whose energy is akin to a full cyclone of sexual powers and whose energy will cause dizziness and sometimes vertigo when first bonding with her. Please accept this warning, because she only wants a truly experienced spirit-keeper who can appreciate her sexual and spiritual powers, which are extreme and profound. In return, she will be your queen of the night, providing you with sexual rejuvenation, an enormously strong sixth-sense about people and an energy aura that will develop into a near force field.

Again, this listing is only for the very experienced, not necessarily the most daring. I do not offer refunds for re-homing in instances where a spirit is too powerful. She is a dark entity with extreme powers and an overwhelming presence. While she is pledge-bound not to bring harm to her companion-keeper, by virtue of her nature, she is a forceful and dark presence that can still be disruptive at first, something akin to a bonfire of psychic force. Once bonded to the proper keeper however, Azila is electrifying, dominant and super-intelligent; she'll go to the ends of the earth for a companion-keeper who can tolerate her above average energy and dark force.

Janeudhari manifests as a dark female energy form and is a dream-manipulator, causing her impressions to manifest inside her companion-keeper's own dreams. Once she has your attention, she'll awaken you to a very long, earthy, sexual encounter that is sure to satisfy. She does not prefer astral sex but earthly, lengthy and highly erotic sexual encounters. She will also exact revenge on behalf of her keeper without hesitation, and karma to her is merely the name of a foreign sports car and nothing more.

Her sexual energy is intense and super-seductive, conveying as it does to her companion-keeper an electrifying sexual presence and magnetism. An intensely strong sexual drive and rejuvenation are often reported, along with a greatly heightened physical ability to heal due to the increased hormonal surges she'll induce in her companion keeper. She is searching only for a male companion-keeper, one who will accept her powers for what they are: natural to her nature, and not malevolent, albeit they are extremely powerful.

She is done by direct binding and vessel combination bringing her quicker to your beck and call. This provides you with a more intimate and secure bonding connection.

Please enjoy another person writing their Bloodwolf OC's backstory as a shitty pendant:
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Clicking through will be easier.

And bruh, I found the beautiful web 1.0 of metaphysical design, and we are going to fucking time travel in style.
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I am not copying the whole thing down but look at this shit
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Please take a look at the rest of their etsy if you like cluttered design. It's the visual equivilant of cacophany.
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I'd like to say right now that most listings in the higher ranking of the magick tag are pretty neat paintings and collector's items. Shoutouts to them.
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Lastly, enjoy this half price 10% off skull. I'll just put some highlights under the spoiler and let you click through to read the rest yourself.
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Imagine wanting a cool skull and then someone fucking says "Lemurians" & "Atlantians" to you and you have NO idea what the fuck they're on about. Helena Blavatsky really did a number on stoners and occultist everywhere.
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It's gotta be formidable, it's melting my fucking brain as I read it.

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The seller seems really nice, just... batshit. I admire that, I think.

Have a wacky day, kiwis.
 
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