Star Wars Griefing Thread (Formerly about Last Jedi) - It's nothing like Empire... like.... at all, we promise

Ihavetinyweewee

But massive grotesque balls
kiwifarms.net
Leia (and Mon Mothma) failed to run the Republic so it turned into an incompetent, ineffectual farce that couldn't even put up a fight against the reemerging Empire. To a point where Leia was head of the "Resistance", not the "New Republic Army" or whatever. The new Republic didn't fire a single shot in self-defense before being wiped out.
And Han is a deadbeat loser, who left his wife to hang out with his friend... and he's shit at his job, seeing how he managed to fuck up 2 deals in one day and ended up having his ship boarded by 2 hostile parties.

Neither of these characters were handled with reverence. Leia was kinda sorta treated well in the movies, but when you look at everything that happened between ROTJ and TFA canonically, she's incompetent as fuck and just to add insult to injury, starts some implied lesbian relationship with Holdo of all people.
What I meant by that is that both were written loyal to their characters. Leia is found where we thought she would be: a position of authority "fighting the good fight". Han, may have reverted back to his old life. But he becomes the major supporting character of TFA. Hell, he is the third lead and has a heroic sacrifice trying to save his son. He is the rogue with the heat of gold.

We could get into the machinations of the New Republic not being effective or Han getting over his head(again). But, in my opinion, I think those are nitpicks..

Luke, on the other hand, is a completely different story. He is on ach-to, for no real reason, other than self-exile waiting to die. If there is one defining characteristic of Luke: it his determination/perseverance. That is completely abandoned, to the point, he serves no real function to the story. They couldn't even be bothered to write, in the context, of his character.....

I still don't understand: if he wanted to just die, why wait? Just jump off a cliff or ignite a lightsaber to your head. What is the purpose of him on that planet?

If he was on ach-to because he believed he could get answers and save everyone. That would have been enough regardless if he was succeding or failing...
 
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Save the Loli

kiwifarms.net
The thing that bothered me was "Where the fuck did the New Order get the ships?"
I remember someone talking about an early draft where the notDeath Star was supposed to be an Imperial Black-site Project, which would have made sense. Derelict Imperial facilities and fleet just waiting to picked up by someone who had a map of the locations. Its a rip off of some EU plot lines, but it would have at least addressed it.
I still think the best thing they could've done that would've made audiences happy and allow JJ to rip off old plotlines was to make Starkiller Base into a Star Forge-sort of superweapon which eats stars to gain their metals and spits out warships and whatever else they need, so all they need is the crew and shit (which is where people like Finn come in). This was in Dark Empire too IIRC which they're ripping off in Episode IX. There, now you made a scary fucking weapon which could shit out a million of Snoke's flagship if you give them the chance instead of just Death Star but bigger.
 

Dr W

Heaven is void of light
kiwifarms.net
I still think the best thing they could've done that would've made audiences happy and allow JJ to rip off old plotlines was to make Starkiller Base into a Star Forge-sort of superweapon which eats stars to gain their metals and spits out warships and whatever else they need, so all they need is the crew and shit (which is where people like Finn come in). This was in Dark Empire too IIRC which they're ripping off in Episode IX. There, now you made a scary fucking weapon which could shit out a million of Snoke's flagship if you give them the chance instead of just Death Star but bigger.
Good idea, but here's the problem:
Ahem

JJ ABRAMS HAS NO CREATIVITY
 

Comicsgeist

kiwifarms.net
Good idea, but here's the problem:
Ahem

JJ ABRAMS HAS NO CREATIVITY
Fine.

But he had the whole EU to steal from if he lacked for ideas! So not only is he lacking in creativity, he's fucking lazy to boot.
The re-emergence of the Empire would have made a lot more sense if they just used the lost Katana fleet from the Thrawn novels.
The galaxy is at peace except for a few systems under First Order control, they have largely been driven to the outer reaches of the galaxy ....which is exactly where they accidentally stumble across the 200 dreadnoughts of the lost Katana fleet, that puts them back in the game and gives them the ability to launch a devestating surprise attack on the New Republics centers of power with powerful weapons that nobody knew they had.

Luke, on the other hand, is a completely different story. He is on ach-to, for no real reason, other than self-exile waiting to die. If there is one defining characteristic of Luke: it his determination/perseverance. That is completely abandoned, to the point, he serves no real function to the story. They couldn't even be bothered to write, in the context, of his character.....
You know how TFA crawl should have started?

Ben Solo is missing!....

You wouldn't have to change much more then the dynamic to rescue a coherent story from that mess.
Luke and star pupil Ben have found the first Jedi temple on Ach-to, which is a nexus point of the force, both dark and light in the same place as represented by the pit and the tree.
Make Ben secretly conflicted about his heritage, worried about the taint of the dark side in his family history rather then enamored by it, causing him to make a fatal mistake in his effort to know once and for all if the Dark side had a grip on him.
Just like Luke on Degobah (another less powerful nexus point of the force) he is drawn to test his ability in 'the dark place', and like Luke he fails spectacularly.
Instead of facing the Dark Side in the pit, he encounters Palpatine's force ghost instead. Because of the nature of the place Palpatine's force ghost is extremely powerful and capable of effecting the physical world (would also explain Yoda and the lightning at the tree, it's literally the only place that can happen) and he 'inhabits' Ben's mind and flees to the First Order leaving Luke desperately studying the Jedi texts in the hope of learning some way to bring his nephew back.
 

Flexo

serial #3370318
kiwifarms.net
Fine.

But he had the whole EU to steal from if he lacked for ideas! So not only is he lacking in creativity, he's fucking lazy to boot.
The re-emergence of the Empire would have made a lot more sense if they just used the lost Katana fleet from the Thrawn novels.
The galaxy is at peace except for a few systems under First Order control, they have largely been driven to the outer reaches of the galaxy ....which is exactly where they accidentally stumble across the 200 dreadnoughts of the lost Katana fleet, that puts them back in the game and gives them the ability to launch a devestating surprise attack on the New Republics centers of power with powerful weapons that nobody knew they had.



You know how TFA crawl should have started?

Ben Solo is missing!....

You wouldn't have to change much more then the dynamic to rescue a coherent story from that mess.
Luke and star pupil Ben have found the first Jedi temple on Ach-to, which is a nexus point of the force, both dark and light in the same place as represented by the pit and the tree.
Make Ben secretly conflicted about his heritage, worried about the taint of the dark side in his family history rather then enamored by it, causing him to make a fatal mistake in his effort to know once and for all if the Dark side had a grip on him.
Just like Luke on Degobah (another less powerful nexus point of the force) he is drawn to test his ability in 'the dark place', and like Luke he fails spectacularly.
Instead of facing the Dark Side in the pit, he encounters Palpatine's force ghost instead. Because of the nature of the place Palpatine's force ghost is extremely powerful and capable of effecting the physical world (would also explain Yoda and the lightning at the tree, it's literally the only place that can happen) and he 'inhabits' Ben's mind and flees to the First Order leaving Luke desperately studying the Jedi texts in the hope of learning some way to bring his nephew back.
The problem is that it's Luke's kid that is named "Ben." Kyle's real name should have been... almost anything else. Even "jason."
 

RumblyTumbly

kiwifarms.net
I would have named Kylo Ren "Lando", just to be hilarious.

Being serious, one thing I wish they had done with TFA: Instead of having everything boil down to a ANH repeat, why not follow the map idea to its conclusion and make it more of an Indiana Jones/Raiders style adventure?

The good guys have the map, the bad guys want the map, and instead of it being strictly a map to Luke, why not make it a map to an ancient Sith/Jedi temple that contains some sort of weapon that either side can use and it is a race to get it. Say that Luke went looking for it when the Jedi went down, but never returned and the new characters are taking up his search. Instead of Death Star battle Part 3, we can get a cat and mouse game with traps and all sorts of fun inside a Star Wars style death maze.

Now that I think about it, one way they could have justified the design of Kylo's saber is to reveal that he found it in his search for ancient Sith artifacts and it actually as the dual function of being a key to the temple. So Kylo has the means of entering the temple and the good guys know where it is, and the whole movie is a chase with them trying to trick each other into giving up their half of the means to get inside.
 

Flexo

serial #3370318
kiwifarms.net
If someone names a kid after me, I hope they'll use my real name instead of an alias.
The thing of it is that "ben" was the name Luke always knew Kenobi by. So it's a tribute both to his mentor and to the life Luke left behind, an acknowledgement of his roots.

Thus why the ST is so fucked because "ben" is meaningless to both Han and Leia. Heck had he been named "Luke" that might have been a touching tribute to the farmboy who brought them together.
 

Marissa Moira

kiwifarms.net
Tank tread speeder looks like it was taken from a custom Warhammer 40k vehicle

How it's supposed to work is that the back end is airborne while the front end uses the treads legs for stability.

Basically whoever designed it has no idea how shit works because you already had swoop bikes which were used in less than hospitable territories and the anti-grav technology provided the stabilizing effect in the front of the bike while having it be fully off the ground.

Some exceptional individual is trying to justify bringing the Tread Bike prototypes from world war 2 into star wars. Much like the exceptional bombers in TLJ, this is something that is meant to fit someone's "vision" despite it going against the already established rules.
 

Ihavetinyweewee

But massive grotesque balls
kiwifarms.net
The thing of it is that "ben" was the name Luke always knew Kenobi by. So it's a tribute both to his mentor and to the life Luke left behind, an acknowledgement of his roots.

Thus why the ST is so fucked because "ben" is meaningless to both Han and Leia. Heck had he been named "Luke" that might have been a touching tribute to the farmboy who brought them together.
I wouldn't say its meaingless, obi-wan was the guy who brought them all together. Ben has more importance to Luke, but I wouldn't say he is completely without relevance to the others....

I mean Han probably had almost as much direct interfacing with obi-wan as Luke did.
 

Flexo

serial #3370318
kiwifarms.net
I wouldn't say its meaingless, obi-wan was the guy who brought them all together. Ben has more importance to Luke, but I wouldn't say he is completely without relevance to the others....

I mean Han probably had almost as much direct interfacing with obi-wan as Luke did.
Leia would know Kenobi as "obi-wan."

Han interacted as much as Luke that we saw on screen. But Luke mentions "old ben" earlier in the film and calls Kenobi "ben" when he wakes up, hinting to the audience that Luke does have a history with him and knew Kenobi.

In fact I'll need to check to see if Kenobi is ever referred to as Ben in front of Han or Leia in the first movie as I'm not sure he is.
 

Dom Cruise

kiwifarms.net
Honestly, I don't think even the most cynical, pessimistic motherfucker could have imagined just how badly Disney would fuck up Star Wars within less than FIVE YEARS after acquiring it. Disney managed to take an absolute power house monster golden goose of a series, and kill it within less than half a decade. I just can't fucking believe it, even still. Them giving EA sole rights to make Star Wars video games on top of all that, as well? Genuinely, it feels like a bunch of stars aligned to have this occur, but then said stars all went supernova at the same time, amplifying how bad shit would be. What an absolute shitshow.
I never in a million years would have expected them to fuck it up this badly as well, I didn't necessarily expect them to be the greatest thing since sliced bread, but I thought there was no possible way they would be worse than even the Prequels, but they are.

It really makes me despair, is pop culture doomed? If even Star Wars has been ruined what chance does anything else have? Although to be fair, society as a whole is probably doomed and pop culture simply reflects that.
 

GeneralFriendliness

General of Dokar's Soy-Slayer Regiment
kiwifarms.net
Boy StarWars.com is really desperate to try and salvage Galaxy's Edge OC hero Vi Moradi. They wrote a whole article describing everything about her with oodles of glorification. Seriously, why would you make a complete nobody the hero of your new STAR WARS park? A character who has never been in anything except a shitty novel about Phasma and periods.
She’s a survivor…

Vi’s strength and incredible stamina let her get into and out of scrapes over and over throughout her adventures. She’s survived capture and torture by the First Order and was tough enough to answer the call General Leia Organa put out to all her top spies after the Battle of Crait: survive, salvage, recruit, regroup, and ignite the spark. That’s why she heads to Batuu with enough equipment to set up a Resistance base on the edge of Wild Space, where her biggest adventure yet begins.
Super strong and infinite stamina? And she was secretly in IX? Its like someone's in-game character using all the cheats.
…And sharp as a tack.

During her time on the Absolution, a First Order Star Destroyer, Vi is tortured by Cardinal for information about Captain Phasma’s mysterious past. With her eidetic memory, she’s able to fully recall what she learned from her recon mission to Parnassos, Phasma’s homeworld, while keeping track of parts she may have embellished.
Perfect memory and intelligence? Oh wow! How amazing!
She likes to knit.

Who says that being a Resistance spy is all action and no relaxation? On her off-time, and especially when traveling through hyperspace, Vi has come to appreciate the simple pleasures of knitting garments with wool from all over the galaxy.
And... she can knit...?

Also, Kylo Ren faggots are still a bunch of nutjobs that may even put Twilight fags to shame.
1565720854028.jpeg

(In response to a shitty villains list)
 

RomanesEuntDomus

May contain nuts.
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I remember someone talking about an early draft where the notDeath Star was supposed to be an Imperial Black-site Project, which would have made sense. Derelict Imperial facilities and fleet just waiting to picked up by someone who had a map of the locations. Its a rip off of some EU plot lines, but it would have at least addressed it.
It would have been a nice plot to see the FO try to obtain a McGuffin in TFA, something like the plans to the Death Star reactor core, since they can't replicate it.

Maybe the New Republic is made aware of FO plans to reverse engineer a Death Star (or similarly powerful tech) after their testing facility for a new super reactor blows up with half a stellar system being obliterated. And while we're at it, the FO should use ships that are clearly relics of the big war. With battle-scars and poorly repaired sections. The Supremacy could be an Executor that was partially refurbished by cannibalising regular Star Destroyers and have parts of a Star Destroyer Wharf be stuck to the underside that constantly repairs ships from the fleet.
Would have been visually a lot more interesting. Give them the shiny, new and sleek ships later on in the trilogy, once they are established as a threat...

But oh well, we can also just start TFA out the exact same way ANH started and make an almost shot-for-shot remake, what could possibly go wrong?
What I meant by that is that both were written loyal to their characters. Leia is found where we thought she would be: a position of authority "fighting the good fight". Han, may have reverted back to his old life. But he becomes the major supporting character of TFA. Hell, he is the third lead and has a heroic sacrifice trying to save his son. He is the rogue with the heat of gold.
How is making them stagnant carbon-copies of the person they were on the start of their character arc loyal to their characters? It literally disregards their development over the plot of the entire trilogy to reduce them to pretty basic stereotypes of their own characters without any progress in their personality or behaviour. I would call that disrespectful, especially since:
-Leia is not important in the New Republic at all. She's a random leader in an insurgency that's not even officially backed by the Republic she herself helped to establish. She's entirely pointless in TLJ, she does nothing of importance and wasn't even part of the movie for most of it.
-Han is a deadbeat asshat father that left his family for unknown reasons to hang out with his buddy in space. Worst of all, just like in ANH, that kicks off with Han being pestered by Jabba, TFA has him being pestered by two groups of asshats trying to kill him over his incompetence to smuggle shit. And what you call a "heroic sacrifice", I'd call a cheap shock death. He didn't hurl himself on top of a thermal detonator to absorb the blast with his body, he didn't stay back to fight off an impossible to defeat army, he just went to hug his son (that he fucked up raising propperly, mind you) and got stabbed in the kidneys for it.


We could get into the machinations of the New Republic not being effective or Han getting over his head(again). But, in my opinion, I think those are nitpicks..
I wholeheartedly disagree. Calling the shit they pulled with Leia and Han "nitpicks" is handwaving away their atrocious characterization, how they were reverted into the beginning of their arc, not out of respect or reverence, but out of pure, cold, lifeless, bloodless, gutless JarJar Abrams bullshit to copypaste ANH.

And we are literally unable to get into "the machinations of the New Republic" since there is nothing of that sort. Until the movie novelizations (that no one reads) came out, no one had any clue what the fuck was going on in Abrams-Wars politically. And even after that, I'd argue that it's still just a really vast void of nonsense, since I doubt that the ones writing the novelizations are particularly clever or educated and thus lack the writing skills to come up with more than "Mon Mothma decided to abondon the military, since she was dumb enough to not realize what would happen in such a situation." There are no "politics" in the movie, most likely since JarJar couldn't lift a scene that establishes just what the hell is going on in the galaxy far far away... and he didn't think we might neet some establishing of how "The good guys won" went to "everyone is miserable, incompetent and is a massive failure."
 

Miller

You're gonna extract HIM?!
kiwifarms.net
StarWars.com
I wonder if GeekGirlDiva still works for StarWars.com. She used to spend her days on Twitter, shitting on the fans.
Geek Girl Diva (DisneyLF).png

As for Vic Moradi... She's a survivor (subtle dog whistle to the wine aunts and cat ladies from access media), smart, has a sharp memory and she knows how to knit. WTF is that character?! Do they expect people to like her? I'm sure they wrote her that way to appeal to women but holy shit, it's like something out of the mind of some marketing guy from the 50s.
 

Dr W

Heaven is void of light
kiwifarms.net
I wonder if GeekGirlDiva still works for StarWars.com. She used to spend her days on Twitter, shitting on the fans.

As for Vic Moradi... She's a survivor (subtle dog whistle to the wine aunts and cat ladies from access media), smart, has a sharp memory and she knows how to knit. WTF is that character?! Do they expect people to like her? I'm sure they wrote her that way to appeal to women but holy shit, it's like something out of the mind of some marketing guy from the 50s.
So, lemme try to piece together this girl's personality.
She's likely to be an insufferable Mary Sue who poorly 'remembers' plot important details when needed and can survive theoretically unlimited amounts of trauma, because 'girl power'. Also, she knits! That's a quirk that'll undoubtedly be mentioned CONSTANTLY.

I swear, I thought it was hard to get worse than REY, but here we fucking are.
 
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