Star Wars Griefing Thread (RISE OF THE SKYWALKER SPOILERS) - Safety off

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XYZpdq

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I like it the same way a lot of people like the prequels: as a really flawed movie whose heart and genuine creativity turns cringe-tacular dialogue, poor pacing, and somewhat shallow exploration of its themes into enjoyable cheese. Like, there's something genuinely charming about The Wachowskis sinking 200 million into a story about a wolf-boy wanting to fuck a queen-bee stand-in.




Fuck, why stop there? Lucas is a great artist, in that he fucking steals from multiple artists. The Death-Star trench-run is a rip-off of The Dam Busters. the Pod-Racing scene may as well be Ben-Hur 2.0. Doctor Zhivago is the only reason Attack of the Clones really exists.
I thought I heard the pod race was lifted from some Scandinavian animated thing?
 

BipolarPon

Sad Cyborg.
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Even the Twileks in Solo were flesh toned.
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Did Disney even watch any past SW media or even the movies? Do they hate colorful skin? Or are they just so cheap they can't even afford skin paint? And before some smartalac brings up Bib Fortuna, his skin color is sickly pale white. Also the black dude twilek doesn't even look like one. Aside from being a manlet, he has eyebrows and a small forehead. Makes their head tails look more phallic than usual.
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Just creepy human flesh tones all around. And no, #28 is not an alien, he's depicted as a retired cyborg human imperial moff who was on the Death Star that no one ever heard of.
Why are almost all of them hairless or bald?

Yes prosthetic's can be cumbersome and hot yet they avoid to add any interesting colors to these aliens. Cgi can help, but the prequels had a lot of cgi, so let's not use any to enhance any alien or make a alien have unique locomotion.

It's common for most sci-fi authors to avoid flesh colored aliens for the most part, so not to draw parrel to a human ethnic group or race. But Iger and Ku Klux Kennedy are so colorblind and tone death, that they allow 99% of nu-aliens to be bald ugly flesh skinned freaks.

These nu-films are so afraid of using cgi for aliens, except for Yellow Yoda and Snoke for some reason. It's my theory that most these aliens are so ugly or bland is to make the actors look better. I guess constable Zuvio the Kyuzo was removed because he was an already established alien and he wasn't flesh toned.
 

Ihavetinyweewee

But massive grotesque balls
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For whatever reason, my dad decided that he wants to go see Plan IX today. I guess it's one of those "I have to see it through to the end" sort of deals, despite his complete non-reaction to TLJ that really made me think he was done with Star Wars. We've seen all the rest of them in the theater together, and I like that tradition, but after all I've heard here, I'm really not looking forward to this. I could have gone to my grave never having seen this movie and been perfectly happy, but alas.

Also didn't want to give Disney any more money for this garbage, but I don't think he'd go for the "pay for another movie and swap theaters" route, he's more of an honest man than I. At least it's a matinee so it's not full-price.

Pray for me. I'll post my own review when I get back in a few hours.
You know, if you commit suicide, I don't think you will be on the hook.

Not saying you should, but it's an option...
 
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Poe-Shen Zcela

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I like it the same way a lot of people like the prequels: as a really flawed movie whose heart and genuine creativity turns cringe-tacular dialogue, poor pacing, and somewhat shallow exploration of its themes into enjoyable cheese. Like, there's something genuinely charming about The Wachowskis sinking 200 million into a story about a wolf-boy wanting to fuck a queen-bee stand-in.
I'll probably never watch it again, but it was a nice sci-fantasy that was tied up nicely in the end. Mila Kunis is a QT and those dragon generals were pretty cool, but otherwise I didn't find the movie very exciting.

Fuck, why stop there? Lucas is a great artist, in that he fucking steals from multiple artists. The Death-Star trench-run is a rip-off of The Dam Busters. the Pod-Racing scene may as well be Ben-Hur 2.0. Doctor Zhivago is the only reason Attack of the Clones really exists.
Going back even further, Lucas made Star Wars (and American Graffiti) because Coppola told him to make a film that normies would enjoy, instead of an artistic film like THX 1138. So him thinking back to his childhood and borrowing elements from stuff he enjoyed back then made sense.
 

King Dead

Cops are better when they're mecha.
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Alright, I survived. Time for the healing to begin.
I'm gonna start with things I liked. Like Plinkett said in his episode 3 review, this won't take long.
  • The various male leads did a good job. Really, it showed how much wasted potential there was for these characters if they'd actually been given a chance to, y'know, do anything. Oscar Isaac was criminally underused for two movies, John "Our" Boyega was only given dumb things to do all the while, and Adam Driver was written like an emo kid. But this movie gave them things to do and opportunities to act (though not nearly enough), and I enjoyed Finn and Poe's interactions especially...even if none of this was earned over the previous two movies.
  • Ian McDiarmid was a delight as always, for the roughly five minutes you actually see him in the movie. Not quite as much overacting as I would have liked, but if you're going to bring back Sheev for whatever reason, it's good to see him again.
  • Also a brief shout-out to Kelly Marie Tran, who unfortunately got shafted and had even less to do than Sheev. But she looked much better in this than the frumpy getup Rian put her in in TLJ, and she did well for the few minutes of screentime she had. It's proof once again that if you hate a character, you're really hating the writer or director, not the actor.
  • While wholly unnecessary (and boy there sure is a lot of that in this movie), I actually found myself liking D-O. His "Hello...no thank you" reactions to anyone approaching him were honestly amusing to me.
  • So, what else did I like...I guess I liked it when Sheev got burned...I liked it when it was over
number twoooooo:

Shameless Plinkett ripping off aside, now for the monumental pile of bad.

The plot was absolutely nonsensical and proceeded at such a rapid pace that I couldn't really focus on anything. I don't really need to go into specifics here because everyone else has already picked it to shreds, but I'll say that it's a wholly different experience actually witnessing it first-hand. Hell, I knew to expect these things before I stepped into the theater and I still found myself floored by the pacing. The biggest stand-out moments of "what the fuck" to me are Kylo's TIE fighter somehow miraculously reappearing unharmed, as @Jaimas pointed out above; the Sith dagger matching up perfectly with the wreckage of the Death Star, as though that could have been planned in the slightest; and of course all the unexplained plot holes like when and how Palpatine had a son and how in the hell the Sith fleet was created.

A lot of stupid and unnecessary bullshit throughout the runtime of the movie that meant nothing. Various characters and subplots could have been removed with zero bearing on the overall film, and it would have given more time for our leads to develop. The biggest unnecessary waste in the film was the Knights of Ren, who do absolutely nothing of meaning except stand around and look "cool" until they all job to Ben at the end. Honorable mentions go to Hux being a spy, Jannah and the other ex-stormtroopers, and multiple MacGuffin hunts.

And then there's Rey. After three movies, I think we should start questioning whether Daisy Ridley has a pulse, because being undead might be the only plausible explanation for such a lack of emotions. It's either blankface or SHOW ALL TEETH GRR I'M RAGE for most of the movie. Never mind the overpowered bullshit that really would have come in handy multiple times (she can literally levitate perfectly in the beginning of the movie, why the hell is she climbing up the Death Star wreckage when she flies now), she once again has no arc. At the end of the movie, there's no growth or development because she was already perfect (no, stumbling on a training course a single time isn't a hardship), and even her one big screwup (blowing up the transport she thought Chewbacca was on) was diffused immediately to the audience when it's revealed he was on a different ship, and to Rey a couple minutes later when she can just magically sense he's there. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like Force sensing was limited to detecting other Force users, or at least I don't remember otherwise.

Speaking of, so much stupid Force bullshit. The Force link that can make things teleport, except when they can't because plot. The Force healing that seemingly has no drawbacks (Rey mentions something about transferring life, but she doesn't seem harmed at all either time she does it). Palpatine's gigantic fucking Force lightning that can wipe out an entire fleet. Hey JJ, bigger does not necessarily equal better. The Force apparently can do pretty much anything now, I guess.

They really should not have tried to insert Carrie Fisher in here at all. It was painfully obvious how they tried to write lines around whatever scraps from the cutting room floor they could find, and it took me out of the movie every time. You could have found a way to write her out of the movie respectfully, but instead you parade her corpse around. Fucking awful. Hope you're doing lots of coke in heaven, Carrie. RIP.

Oh, and thanks for shoving in porgs one last time. How many warehouses of porg merch do you still have left unsold?

Finally, some miscellany from my screening:
  • I'd say there were maybe about a dozen people in the theater, maybe a little more. Three of those were my parents and myself. Surprised to see even that many at noon on a Tuesday four weeks after the premiere, but Tuesdays are discount days at my theater, so that might have something to do with it.
  • I've never before seen a movie where an epilepsy warning was played beforehand. Y'think maybe if your movie could give people seizures, you might want to tone down some of the visuals?
  • One guy to the left of us kept laughing at various moments during the movie that definitely weren't meant to be comedic. Poe's inspirational speech just before they launched the attack on Exegol had him laughing after basically every line. I saw my dad looking over at him in confusion once.
  • At the end of the movie, one guy clapped for a few seconds, then I think he stopped when he realized nobody else was.
  • Before we left, I told my mom that I really didn't want to go because it was bad, but I relented because it means a lot to my dad. She said afterwards (after my dad was out of earshot) that she was glad she'd seen it, just so she knew how bad it was.
  • Dad seemed to enjoy parts of it, but I haven't asked his overall opinion. I don't really feel like getting into a major discussion about it yet.
  • About halfway through, I started to feel a headache coming on. It got worse as the movie went on, and I still have it. Just a low throbbing in my head.
aneurysm.png


Overall, this was a pretty joyless experience. It was easy to tell that there was a lot going on behind the scenes, leading to this hodgepodge mess of a movie. I was just waiting for it to end for most of the runtime, and only occasionally did I find something that was a little bit fun, only for it to be skipped past because we have to get through two movies' worth of plot in a two-and-a-half-hour runtime. I have no desire to see any Disney Wars movie ever again, and I feel bad for getting on the prequel hate train back in the day. The prequels have their faults, but they were driven by George's passion to show the rest of the story he wanted to tell. The Disney movies are soulless, loveless, mirthless theme park rides driven only by a desire to make as much money as possible by assaulting you with nostalgia for better films. If there were justice in the world, the people in charge of this shit would never work again, but Hollywood and justice really don't go together.

I may start watching The Mandalorian tonight just to get this filth out of my brain. And before you accuse me of hypocrisy, I wouldn't dream of spending money on Disney+ to see it. Yohoho.
tl;dr: My head hurts.
 

Jaimas

Fourth Echelon Shitposting Team Member
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Woah, woah. Slow down there. You liked Jupiter Ascending? Not even as a jab, but I'm genuinely curious, since I never really met anyone who had anything positive to say about the film. I actually rather liked it myself, but mostly for the worldbuilding, rather than the tween babby first sci-fi Twilight dwama.
Jupiter Ascending isn't trying to be anything more than it is. It wandered in just trying to be something like Last Starfighter, not taking itself too seriously, only for the entrenched gatekeepers to lose their fucking minds because fucking video games.

I didn't think it was great by any stretch, but it was enjoyably dumb. The fact that so many in the Sci-Fi community tried to do what the mainstream press attempted with Joker, however, is pretty telling now that we have thebenefit of hindsight.
 

Toast Sandwich

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  • Also a brief shout-out to Kelly Marie Tran, who unfortunately got shafted and had even less to do than Sheev. But she looked much better in this than the frumpy getup Rian put her in in TLJ, and she did well for the few minutes of screentime she had. It's proof once again that if you hate a character, you're really hating the writer or director, not the actor.
I want to take a minute to ask if anyone else thinks there's some sort of mass delusion surrounding Kelly Marie Tran's looks.

Ever since the first round of mocking her character in TLJ, there was this bizarre part of the defense where people would pretend that if not for costume and makeup direction then Rose could've been some sort of stunner somehow. It seemed like it was just a desperate retaliation against Rian's efforts to chastise the fans. To dodge smears of being misogynistic, etc. Like "Nuh-uh Rian! YOU were the one who was mean to her by making her be ugly!" I mean...

Rose_Tico.jpg 1d96129d9cc185ade3283417c94e57760beec792.jpg 66e2d0d9c1290bbf6c7bac8ffac8b6e9.jpg Kelly+Marie+Tran+Kelly+Marie+Tran+Hits+Jimmy+KeR3ozqODhtl.jpg

Realistically it's not like prettying her up would've helped the character that much anyway, with it being written so poorly, but in this case I don't think Rian's supposed orders could've even had much of an effect. I won't say she's outright ugly or anything. She was kind of cute (if also annoying) years ago when she was in that stupid meme commercial, but with that it was mostly her youth doing the heavy lifting. Now she just looks like a plain Vietnamese girl. Like on the same level as the average girl working at a nail salon. If anything it comes across as insulting and humiliating to insist she has some kind of tamped-down hidden potential.

Maybe there's some narrow slice of guys who are genuine about all of it and have this very specific kind of girl as their weird thing, or it's a sense of attainability blown out of proportion. I just don't know how else to explain it.
 

King Dead

Cops are better when they're mecha.
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I want to take a minute to ask if anyone else thinks there's some sort of mass delusion surrounding Kelly Marie Tran's looks.

Ever since the first round of mocking her character in TLJ, there was this bizarre part of the defense where people would pretend that if not for costume and makeup direction then Rose could've been some sort of stunner somehow. It seemed like it was just a desperate retaliation against Rian's efforts to chastise the fans. To dodge smears of being misogynistic, etc. Like "Nuh-uh Rian! YOU were the one who was mean to her by making her be ugly!" I mean...

View attachment 1098556 View attachment 1098557 View attachment 1098612 View attachment 1098559

Realistically it's not like prettying her up would've helped the character that much anyway, with it being written so poorly, but in this case I don't think Rian's supposed orders could've even had much of an effect. I won't say she's outright ugly or anything. She was kind of cute (if also annoying) years ago when she was in that stupid meme commercial, but with that it was mostly her youth doing the heavy lifting. Now she just looks like a plain Vietnamese girl. Like on the same level as the average girl working at a nail salon. If anything it comes across as insulting and humiliating to insist she has some kind of tamped-down hidden potential.

Maybe there's some narrow slice of guys who are genuine about all of it and have this very specific kind of girl as their weird thing, or it's a sense of attainability blown out of proportion. I just don't know how else to explain it.
Note that I didn't say she was hot, just that she looked better. The weird costuming decisions in TLJ did her no favors, but they did a better job with at least making her look somewhat attractive. Like you said, she's not ugly, not a stunner, but the right costume and makeup is the difference between...well, TLJ Rose and TROS Rose. Since we can't get anyone who's actually hot in Star Wars anymore, you just have to take what you can get.

Put another way, Rose didn't make me want to tear my eyes out this time around.
 

Toast Sandwich

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Note that I didn't say she was hot, just that she looked better. The weird costuming decisions in TLJ did her no favors, but they did a better job with at least making her look somewhat attractive. Like you said, she's not ugly, not a stunner, but the right costume and makeup is the difference between...well, TLJ Rose and TROS Rose. Since we can't get anyone who's actually hot in Star Wars anymore, you just have to take what you can get.

Put another way, Rose didn't make me want to tear my eyes out this time around.
That's all reasonable, yeah. I only singled out what you said because that's what made the thought pop into my head, and not because it was a glaring example of it. Still, I think nobody would ever even feel compelled to say these things if not for the original drama behind it.
 
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Ihavetinyweewee

But massive grotesque balls
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I want to take a minute to ask if anyone else thinks there's some sort of mass delusion surrounding Kelly Marie Tran's looks.

Ever since the first round of mocking her character in TLJ, there was this bizarre part of the defense where people would pretend that if not for costume and makeup direction then Rose could've been some sort of stunner somehow. It seemed like it was just a desperate retaliation against Rian's efforts to chastise the fans. To dodge smears of being misogynistic, etc. Like "Nuh-uh Rian! YOU were the one who was mean to her by making her be ugly!" I mean...

View attachment 1098556 View attachment 1098557 View attachment 1098612 View attachment 1098559

Realistically it's not like prettying her up would've helped the character that much anyway, with it being written so poorly, but in this case I don't think Rian's supposed orders could've even had much of an effect. I won't say she's outright ugly or anything. She was kind of cute (if also annoying) years ago when she was in that stupid meme commercial, but with that it was mostly her youth doing the heavy lifting. Now she just looks like a plain Vietnamese girl. Like on the same level as the average girl working at a nail salon. If anything it comes across as insulting and humiliating to insist she has some kind of tamped-down hidden potential.

Maybe there's some narrow slice of guys who are genuine about all of it and have this very specific kind of girl as their weird thing, or it's a sense of attainability blown out of proportion. I just don't know how else to explain it.
No, she isn't that pretty. Not hideous, but certainly not leading lady material....

There was certainky an effort to cast average looking girls in these films....

I mean the most attractive girl was the black chick, in the third movie(even she had fucked up teeth)..

Mandalorian has, thankfully, ended the trend for now...
 

King Dead

Cops are better when they're mecha.
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No, she isn't that pretty. Not hideous, but certainly not leading lady material....

There was certainky an effort to cast average looking girls in these films....

I mean the most attractive girl was the black chick, in the third movie(even she had fucked up teeth)..

Mandalorian has, thankfully, ended the trend for now...
Keri Russell is certainly easy on the eyes, but unfortunately all you see of her for a brief moment is...well, her eyes. The rest are just kind of alright. Not ugly by any stretch, but certainly not on the high end either.

To be fair, it's not like Star Wars has had a lot of women in it anyway. The original trilogy had Leia, Mon Mothma, and Jabba's slave dancers, while the prequels had Padme and her handmaiden decoy. But these actresses were certainly attractive. One need only point to Leia in a metal bikini.

Unfortunately, we can't have beautiful actresses in big general audience movies anymore, because something something male gaze.
 

Rei is shit

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They hired a decent looking asian and then killed her off after 30 seconds of screen time. If they had given this actress the role of rose, and mayve had her wear a nice looking outfit during the casino shit, then they could have had yellow fever slave leia. Plus it'd be a character women would actually want to cosplay as. Ryan really subverted disneys expectation of making money.
paige-tico-tlj_df2960c8.jpeg
 

God of Nothing

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They hired a decent looking asian and then killed her off after 30 seconds of screen time. If they had given this actress the role of rose, and mayve had her wear a nice looking outfit during the casino shit, then they could have had yellow fever slave leia. Plus it'd be a character women would actually want to cosplay as. Ryan really subverted disneys expectation of making money.
View attachment 1098929
Nah, they didn't want to offend Chinese audiences with "unrealistic" female bodies so they casted big face Vietnamese girl who looks fat as fuck in an engineer's uniform.

If only they knew.
 

InspMagnum

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They hired a decent looking asian and then killed her off after 30 seconds of screen time. If they had given this actress the role of rose, and mayve had her wear a nice looking outfit during the casino shit, then they could have had yellow fever slave leia. Plus it'd be a character women would actually want to cosplay as. Ryan really subverted disneys expectation of making money.
View attachment 1098929
I feel like anyone other than the unlikable actress that played Rose would have been better received by the audience. I actually remember in the theater thinking that she WAS Rose Tico (at the time I knew there was going to be a new character played by an Asian actress who was going to be alongside Finn, but I had no idea who it was). It's kinda funny how she's way more interesting, heroic, and mature than her sister, yet only Rose is meant to be one of the main characters. I doubt a switch in actresses could have saved that character (because the best casting in the world couldn't have saved that script), but maybe if she wasn't played but an someone with a colossally punchable face, it could have worked a bit better.
Paige_Tico_Fighter.jpg
 

Adamska

Last Gunman
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Weren't the Chinese literally offended that she was Vietnamese?
More like dismissive and mocking since they see Vietnamese people as darker skinned savages worth only abducting to fix the incel problem and/or for organs. They see it as a place that needs to be owned by them.

They also think black people are stupid monkeys who threw away the stuff Euros gave them and see them as a cheap pit to earn money from. So Disney trying to court them while ooking and eeking about diversity to their Soy audience is really fucking stupid; it's one or the other; you cannot get both.

But then Disney hates that answer, given that the constant editing for Fall of Star Wars was because JarJar admitted that he couldn't make a movie that everyone would like.
 

Poe-Shen Zcela

Enjoy the cream boys. On hiatus for a bit
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More like dismissive and mocking since they see Vietnamese people as darker skinned savages worth only abducting to fix the incel problem and/or for organs. They see it as a place that needs to be owned by them.

They also think black people are stupid monkeys who threw away the stuff Euros gave them and see them as a cheap pit to earn money from. So Disney trying to court them while ooking and eeking about diversity to their Soy audience is really fucking stupid; it's one or the other; you cannot get both.

But then Disney hates that answer, given that the constant editing for Fall of Star Wars was because JarJar admitted that he couldn't make a movie that everyone would like.
Why are these suits so terminally dense? Is it desperation or stupidity?

Between this, the last two Terminator films, and the awful first draft of Sonic, how many more morons can the theatre industry sustain?
 
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