Star Wars Griefing Thread (RISE OF THE SKYWALKER SPOILERS) - Safety off

GeneralFriendliness

General of Dokar's Soy-Slaying Anti-Lego Regiment
True & Honest Fan
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There's no way you can make these fucked up universes even remotely kid-friendly without setting it up in an AU or making retcons (with the latter apparently being the case). Watch as these inexperienced and surprisingly preachy 8-12 year olds somehow defy the odds.

On one side you got little kids surviving in the horrid world of Warhammer Fantasy Age of Sigmar filled with all manner of plagues and countless terrors on just one single planet while giant rats will steal from you and skewer you alive. Yet they'll always survive with nothing but a hammer and a slingshot while their only magic user is just a nerdy healer who is a pacifist despite that magic would be the best weapon for a kid to use in such a setting without breaking any rating restrictions. And then they also have some kind of smithing prodigy who can supposedly make anything except weapons which she hates. One of the characters even fought in vicious gladiator pits and she won with nothing but a fucking slingshot.

On the other you have the galactic horror of Warhammer 40k, yet they make the main characters extremely anti-weapons which was nothing short of WTF. Wishing your enemies away will only get you so far against the vile minions of Chaos The Forces of Evil unless you're powered by WAAAAAAGH!, and "logic and reason" won't save you from horny Dark Eldar pedos or skull-fucking Khorne worshipers. Lucky for them Chaos and Heresy never appear here.

Yet despite all of this they still survive while talking about the power of diversity, girl power, pacifism and that weapons and war won't solve anything while destroying their enemies with over complicated and impossible traps. Because of this, the main characters never cease to shut up about how morally righteous they are and how violence won't solve anything despite using their "ingenious" traps to commit acts of G-rated murder. They try to play this off by having their more weapon-liking comrades not take them seriously, but that's only to have them be proven wrong later on while the little Anitas just derides their comrades whenever they try to defend themselves with weapons. Lucky for the 40k kids they only ever run into soulless Necrons who serve as the main villains since killing robot skeletons is far more kid-friendly than actually facing off against a horde of Slaneesh worshipers. Meanwhile the Fantasy ones deal with savages called the "Darkoath Barbarians". But they best not use their weapons unless they want to get scolded by their female POC leaders.

And if things do go wrong for them, the Smurfmarines and Stormcunts will be there to make the meanies run away.

I honestly think this whole thing would be legit funny and somewhat serviceable for your kids if it weren't so freaking preachy, gave kids a false impression of what the franchise is about and if it weren't just a generic copypaste of other modern and generic fantasy children's books.

Character bios said:
Warped Galaxies
Zelia Lor
Twelve-year-old Zelia is the daughter of galactic explorer Elise Lor. She grew up helping Elise with archaeological expeditions on dozens of worlds, digging up ancient artefacts and alien technology. Bright and resourceful, Zelia always thinks she knows best, but isn’t as experienced as she tries to make out.

Sharing her mum’s hatred of weaponry, Zelia believes that the best way to overcome fear is to learn about the universe. That doesn’t stop her from being terrified of spiders after being trapped in the web of a gigantic temple-weaver when she was a small child.

She's perfectly fine with destroying their enemies with improvised or unconventional methods, but will come down with all the righteousness she can muster whenever her companions try to defend themselves from the various aliens trying to kill them with an actual gun. This is explicitly based on the Insane Troll Logic that a lot of the archeological sites she visited are battlefields, and being armed didn't save the dead soldiers, therefore weapons are worthless. None of her companions take this entirely seriously.
Talen
The son of a loyal Imperial Guard officer, thirteen-year-old Talen ran away from home to avoid being enlisted in the military. He fell in with the Runak Warriors, a feral gang who lived in the tunnels beneath Rhal Rata, the largest hive-city on Targian. Used to thinking with his fists, Talen finds it difficult to trust anyone, but has a good heart. Once he is on your side, you couldn’t ask for a better friend. Talen has little experience of the galaxy, hiding his insecurities beneath bluster and bravado. His only link to the past is the toy soldier his older brother gave him before going off to war, a treasure he will guard with his life.

Mekki
Like all Martians, Mekki is happiest when tinkering with technology, and is able to communicate with the machine-spirits that dwell inside computers and cogitators. A talented inventor, eleven-year-old Mekki created the special robotic frame that supports his paralysed arm as well as servo sprites, a swarm of tiny robot helpers. Even though they grew up together, Mekki and Zelia have never been close. Mekki prefers the company of machines to humans and often finds it hard to make friends. He can be incredibly tough on himself, especially when things go wrong.

Flea Pit
A member of the mysterious ape-like race known as the Jokaero, Flegan-Pala has been kept as a slave for decades. Able to create advanced weapons and gadgets from piles of junk, the orange-furred alien escaped his cage when the Necrons attacked Targian. Grumpy and cantankerous, Flegan-Pala doesn’t trust Zelia and her band of Targian refugees, his mood only worsening when Talen gives the jokaero an insulting nickname; Fleapit! With retractable fingers and toes, and a genius level IQ, Fleapit is the group's only hope for survival when they crash on an inhospitable world… but what secrets does he hide?

Realm Quest
Elio
Bearing the mark of Ghyran, the Realm of Life, thirteen-year-old Elio is a born healer. His knowledge of potions and cures is second to none, and he’s often to be found with his nose in a giant book of herblore. But he’s not just interested in plants: Elio has a keen fascination with all things living, from the tiniest biting insect to the mightiest man-eating manticore. He may not be much of a fighter, but Elio is clever, thoughtful and considerate.

Alish
Bearing the mark of Hysh, the Realm of Light, eleven-year-old Alish is restless, inquisitive and highly intelligent, with the instinctive ability to understand and repair almost any mechanical device. But her true passion is for inventing: in her workshop she has designed and built countless contraptions, from clocks and counting machines to a full-sized airship. The one thing Alish won’t make is weapons: she prefers a creative solution to any conflict.

Kiri
Bearing the mark of Chamon, the Realm of Metal, fourteen-year-old Kiri is as strong and steadfast as steel. Raised in the barbarian slave camps of Aqshy, Kiri learned to fight as soon as she could walk, honing her skills with a catapult. Somehow, this harsh life hasn’t made her cruel or resentful – Kiri is honest, stouthearted and brave. But she does struggle to trust other people, preferring her own company to that of a group.

Scratch
Bearing the mark of Ghur, the Realm of Beasts, twelve-year-old Scratch’s true name and background are unknown. For some time he’s been the pet and plaything of Kreech, a mean-spirited Skaven Packlord who has kept the boy alive for devious reasons of his own. Scratch has lived underground in Kreech’s warren, fashioning clothes to make himself resemble the rat-lord he both fears and admires: his hood has ears and a straggling tail, and he paints whiskers on his face with water and mud. He may have lost the ability to speak like a human, but Scratch is a sly, sharp-witted child, as cunning as any Skaven.

Thanis
Bearing the mark of Aqshy, the Realm of Fire, twelve-year-old Thanis is tough, hot-tempered and fiercely loyal to her friends. With her flame-red hair and imposing stature she can make newcomers feel nervous, but deep down Thanis is a gentle soul: vigilant, steadfast and determined to do good in the world. Growing up an orphan on the streets of Lifestone, she was forced to fend for herself from an early age. But she found companionship, first with her best friend Kaspar, then with Vertigan and the others at The Arbour, whose lives she’d do anything to protect.

Kreech
Bold, devious and cruel beyond measure, Kreech is the Packlord of Clan Quickfang, an increasingly powerful Skaven faction. Kreech is unusual among the Skaven in that he has a fascination with humans, or ‘man-things’, and particularly their ability to create and think imaginatively. Kreech sees himself as superior to his fellow Skaven, able to control his animal instincts and act rationally. He has now entered into partnership with an enigmatic noblewoman, who promises power and riches if Kreech will help her achieve her mysterious goals.

Worst part is these books have apparently been selling very well. If shit continues to look good for them, expect more content like this from GeeDubs in the future, maybe even female space marines. And there's also the fact that these characters and stories are apparently knockoffs of the WoW kids books but with big dashes of wokeness.
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Wait... Fucking hell. Another scifi/fantasy topic unrelated to Warhammer somehow devolves into a Warhammer shitposting scenario... Happens every time.
 
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Judge Holden

Corpsefucker
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
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Shadfan666xxx000

kiwifarms.net
Nigger dont...DONT fucking remind me of the day I accidentally cursed this shit into reality by asking what the next shit to be given the #woke fagarts treatment would be on that fucking thundercats thread last year

Seriously I was deathly sick with some kind of food poisoning at the time and in my feverish state that shit straight up broke my mind
Well damn it faggot, get your fucking food poisoning back and tank the sales before this cancer spreads so that your life will have meaning.
 

RomanesEuntDomus

May contain nuts.
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I'd think anyone in the Warhammer Universe, Fantasy or 40k, would overcome their hatred of weapons fairly quickly, possibly just so they can jab something into their throat to escape the hellish slaneesh torture-sex-dungeon where they witnessed the rest of their family being raped to death by unholy abominations that make you lose your mind just from looking at them for too long.
 

Wyzzerd

Wanna see my wizard staff?
kiwifarms.net
I had honestly thought the ewok adventurers movies were a fever dream of mine when I was a kid. They might be some of the most unknown star wars stuff out there.

The scariest part of all those leaks is that this movie seems to have a ton of plot points that will need to be introduced, explored, and wrapped up in a single film, a film that's the finale of a trilogy. It sounds like storyline suicide trying to add all this garbage.

I think the only right way to do this is just push put a very basic and straightforward film. No weird twists or turns, no new super baddies, no new plot threads or questions. Just straight answers to whatever is left of the storyline, bad guys dead, good guys win, and nobody talks about Disney wars ever again.

Or you let the movie get more and more crazy right when the audience can't take it anymore it cuts to a scene of Luke waking up in a sweat, terrified. Mara gets up next to him and asks what's wrong, he says he had a horrible nightmare, Mara calms him and says it was all a dream, Luke stares right into the camera and says she's right, none of this ever happened, and then credits roll.
 

Adamska

Last Gunman
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I literally don't get this inability for companies to get that this market they're trying to shill to doesn't exist, but then I remember that the middles and higher ups are stubborn grease-climbing morons usually and will ostrich impulse and shove blame off themselves over admitting to fucking up with an approach since being wrong is something they can't accept. That and they get terrified of the fact that they won't make more millions should they get fired.

It really is amazing to watch the slowly dawning end of an era; that era being the modern cinema experience.
 

CheezzyMach

Hulkamania Brother!
kiwifarms.net
Kennedy has never known what she was doing. Never. She got all of her producer credits for getting Spielberg coffee, being a casting couch girl, and marrying whats-his-name. She never had any creative input on ANY of the films she produced before Star Wars. That's a fact. She is, by all accounts, a massive cunt. Here's what we know:

>JJ hated her and her hand picked story group during TFA
>JJ hated them so much that he decided pass on TLJ
>JJ was PISSED at what Rian Johnson did with TLJ
>Bob Iger begged JJ to come back for ROS in order to "fix" things
>JJ agreed
>Bob Iger offered JJ the presidency of Lucasfilm
>JJ turned it down
>JJ got Bob Iger to install his personal assistant as Vice President of Lucasfilm
>JJ will be controlling Warner Bros through his movie deal, but will also be controlling Lucasfilm via his proxy
>Kathleen Kennedy is still technically President of Lucasfilm, but she will be doing fuck all until her contract is up
>Disney will "transition" Kathleen somewhere else, because firing her will make Disney look stupid and prove to all the pissed off fans that they were right all along

Unfortunately, you can't fix Star Wars. It's a dead brand, no matter who takes over Lucasfilm. The Last Jedi had too many franchise killing events that irreparably harmed the brand. For example, the kamikaze hyperspace ship destruction thing. If this is possible in the Star Wars universe, other characters would have known it was possible because it would have been tried in the past at some point (whether on purpose or accidentally). If this was possible, why not just do it to the Death Star(s)?? In fact, why not have a droid fleet of kamikaze ships? This literally KILLS all space battles in Star Wars.

That's just ONE of the many many MANY franchise ruining fuckups they made in The Last Jedi.
I'm just glad I still have Warhammer 40K, which by its very nature, is essentially SJW-proof.
People said the same thing about the prequels back in the day and Star Wars is still here.

The OT will still be popular until the heat death of the universe, Disney will either bury the sequels like they have all the 90s DTV sequels of thier animated movies or they'll pull a Clone Wars and "fix" them.
 

GeneralFriendliness

General of Dokar's Soy-Slaying Anti-Lego Regiment
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
This video talks about what I said before regarding Disney's desperation in announcing the opening of the new Kylo Ren ride but it goes into more detail than I did and it mentions something interesting.
They mention that it would've made more sense for Disney to open up these parks in late Fall or after December, which I agree since it would coincide with their new movie and they'd have both shitty rides ready, but they point out that the reason Disney didn't do this was because Disney wanted these parks to be hastily opened before September since that marks the end of their fiscal year. Hence why stuff that should've been there on day 1 or during the reservation period is arriving late little by little or not arriving at all, like certain merch, the reputation scanners, or the Kylo Ren ride.
 

Krokodil Overdose

[|][||][||][|_]
kiwifarms.net
Kennedy has never known what she was doing. Never. She got all of her producer credits for getting Spielberg coffee, being a casting couch girl, and marrying whats-his-name. She never had any creative input on ANY of the films she produced before Star Wars. That's a fact. She is, by all accounts, a massive cunt. Here's what we know:

>JJ hated her and her hand picked story group during TFA
>JJ hated them so much that he decided pass on TLJ
>JJ was PISSED at what Rian Johnson did with TLJ
>Bob Iger begged JJ to come back for ROS in order to "fix" things
>JJ agreed
>Bob Iger offered JJ the presidency of Lucasfilm
>JJ turned it down
>JJ got Bob Iger to install his personal assistant as Vice President of Lucasfilm
>JJ will be controlling Warner Bros through his movie deal, but will also be controlling Lucasfilm via his proxy
>Kathleen Kennedy is still technically President of Lucasfilm, but she will be doing fuck all until her contract is up
>Disney will "transition" Kathleen somewhere else, because firing her will make Disney look stupid and prove to all the pissed off fans that they were right all along
Interesting, but there's some pieces missing: we know that Colin Treverrow was initially slated to do Episode IX, and JJ being brought (back) on board was basically them hitting the panic button after Treverrow was fired and TLJ... let's be nice and say "subverted expectations." So JJ (presumably) planned to more or less wash his hands of the series after TFA. Maybe he just wants to gainsay Rian Johnson THAT badly.

I can respect that.
 

Adamska

Last Gunman
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
This video talks about what I said before regarding Disney's desperation in announcing the opening of the new Kylo Ren ride but it goes into more detail than I did and it mentions something interesting.
They mention that it would've made more sense for Disney to open up these parks in late Fall or after December, which I agree since it would coincide with their new movie and they'd have both shitty rides ready, but they point out that the reason Disney didn't do this was because Disney wanted these parks to be hastily opened before September since that marks the end of their fiscal year. Hence why stuff that should've been there on day 1 or during the reservation period is arriving late little by little or not arriving at all, like certain merch, the reputation scanners, or the Kylo Ren ride.
So what you're saying is the big reason the sellable shit's run out and isn't being replaced by anything but Porgs (DROWN IN THEM DISNEY), is because they did an ET for the Atari 2600 and rushed everything by about half a year to please investors who are probably too busy on their phones to care. They weren't done setting up stock, saw the park as a place to dump the things that even Ollies won't sell due to their toxicity, and then expected that Strip Wars: the Consumer Menace would do gangbusters due to IP.

Fucking genius. I think I might write a script for a movie about something like this, but then Mel Brooks would sue me twice over.
 

GeneralFriendliness

General of Dokar's Soy-Slaying Anti-Lego Regiment
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
they'll pull a Clone Wars and "fix" them.
Technically, the new Resistance cartoon where Poe, Leia and BB-8 were main characters was an attempt at fixing the Disney films by giving them their own Clone Wars for the Disney trilogy, but its been backfiring badly too and has none of the positive reception or high ratings that Genndy Wars and Filoni Wars had. Meanwhile Marvel's Poe comics, which are supposed be the equivalent of Dark Horse's prequel comics, are also underwhelming and have been dipping in sales since early 2017.

So what you're saying is the big reason the sellable shit's run out and isn't being replaced by anything but Porgs (DROWN IN THEM DISNEY), is because they did an ET for the Atari 2600 and rushed everything by about half a year to please investors who are probably too busy on their phones to care. They weren't done setting up stock, saw the park as a place to dump the things that even Ollies won't sell due to their toxicity, and then expected that Strip Wars: the Consumer Menace would do gangbusters due to IP.

Fucking genius. I think I might write a script for a movie about something like this, but then Mel Brooks would sue me twice over.
It still amazes me how this whole Porg business turned out. Disney really banked on those annoying little shits being the next Minions and instead it backfired horribly. It might've been even worse if the MSM had been more willing to bash TLJ and its Porgs like they did with Jar Jar back in the day, but unlike then, dissing Disney Wars makes you an evil sexist russian bot, creating the illusion that reception for Porgs is mixed whilst sales for their crap and overall appeal are in the gutter when compared to the Ewoks or even Jar Jar. Also let's not forget all those "cute" Snoke plushies that never sold... Even Hasbro was pushed into a corner and fucked over.
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Its like they aborted the obnoxious gay baby from Family Guy.

Also I have more spoilers and will be posting them soon.
 
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Vault Boy

Corporate Mascot of Vault-Tec.
kiwifarms.net
Interesting, but there's some pieces missing: we know that Colin Treverrow was initially slated to do Episode IX, and JJ being brought (back) on board was basically them hitting the panic button after Treverrow was fired and TLJ... let's be nice and say "subverted expectations." So JJ (presumably) planned to more or less wash his hands of the series after TFA. Maybe he just wants to gainsay Rian Johnson THAT badly.

I can respect that.
I know JJ's not liked much here, but I think I can sympathize with him a bit here.

He made a movie that, while unoriginal, set up numerous plot points for the sequels to expand upon. Rian either did nothing with those plot points or "resolved" them in a anticlimactic manner (all the while leaving barely any material to work with for IX), resulting in the trilogy becoming disjointed and the fanbase becoming divided. Brought back because Disney can't help themselves with firing directors mid production, JJ now has the unenviable task of trying to come up with a conclusion after TLJ went out of its way to invalidate TFA, causing IX to become overflowing with new plot points and characters.

So yeah, I can get JJ being pissed at Rian. Lord knows how much of a shitshow production has been...
 

GeneralFriendliness

General of Dokar's Soy-Slaying Anti-Lego Regiment
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Alright here are some potential spoilers.

Nien Nunb will be returning in this film in a bigger role for ROTJ nostalgia bucks where he is an important figure in the Resistance (although his role goes unmentioned) and he teams up with Lando again in the second half to take control of the Falcon.

Dominic Monaghan (who played Merry from LOTR) will serve as a Resistance leader in the same capacity as Poe but his role is small and he will only be appearing at the start of the movie and later on during the swamp planet fight.

The film has at least 3 MacGuffins. One is Palpatine (for Kylo), the other is the broadcast tower (for the Resistance/Rose/etc), and the third is C-3PO's memory from the prequels (for Rey).

The snow planet I've talked about before, called Kijimi (where they meet Zorry Bliss) will also have them hiding out in an old droid factory. That is where BB-8 meets the rusty little D-O (the lamp/megaphone on a wheel). In the factory are broken parts of droids from throughout the franchise, such as Battle Droids, RA-7s and... the Bad Robot logo...

There's also a rumor that Mustafar and Vader's nu-castle will be in the movie but this is not an actual leak per say and this only something people are assuming based on some leaked concept art of shit that might be in the film. For all we know the lava planet in the art may just be Kylo Ren's castle.
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Then again, since Rey is stealing everything that belonged to Luke, its possible Ren is stealing everything that belonged to Vader.

Also in case you didn't see it before, here's the leaked promo pic from the art department featuring several costumes for the film which was leaked sometime around March or April I think. I posted it before in the thread but I can't remember when.
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It features many shitty aliens that haven't been confirmed for the film along with some that have.

One thing that sticks out is "A", which looks like a little Yoda. This makes me suspect that this might be the actual Oracle and the spider thing might just be its pet/guard, and it would fitting since the Oracle is basically just a Yoda ripoff like most things.

Also let me describe each of them based on what we know so far.

B is obviously D-O.

C is General Wyte Pryde.

D is the new Resistance soldier look. We see one briefly in Kylo's battle on the swamp planet in the trailer.

E is Merry's character, a Resistance leader.

F is a new alien guard from the Muslim planet who will be acting as the guard for an important character.

G is a Mon Calamari. There have been rumors that Ackbar will have a relative of his in the movie. This might also be a hint that some Death Star pieces may be on Dac. Who can say...

H is Rey...

I is Ren...

J is Ren's helmet put together with Plasteel.

K is Poe.

L sorta looks like the spider oracle but I think its just one of the muslim aliens for the new muslim planet. They are called the Aki Aki. Unless they recycled the head for the spider.

M is a background alien that will supposedly be appearing on the new snow planet.

N is unknown but word of mouth claims it might be a member of the nu-Vong but I doubt it.

O is Lando in his Solo's Pando outfit...

P are unknown aliens. Nothing is known. Might be background aliens.

Q is Klaud the exceptional slug with no arms.
 
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IAmNotAlpharius

For the Emperor?!
kiwifarms.net
Warhammer 40k kids' novels aren't selling because kids are interested.

They're selling because some loser divorced dad is desperate to appeal to his disinterested children, who don't actually care because they know their mommy got railed by niggers while their father was playing war toys.
When I was a kid I loved Warhammer because I wasn’t supposed to. If they made it kid friendly, I wouldn’t have liked it. There weren’t as many novels at the time but I loved the grimdarkness.
 
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