General of Dokar's Soy-Slaying Anti-Lego Regiment
True & Honest Fan
There's no way you can make these fucked up universes even remotely kid-friendly without setting it up in an AU or making retcons (with the latter apparently being the case). Watch as these inexperienced and surprisingly preachy 8-12 year olds somehow defy the odds.
On one side you got little kids surviving in the horrid world of
On the other you have the galactic horror of Warhammer 40k, yet they make the main characters extremely anti-weapons which was nothing short of WTF. Wishing your enemies away will only get you so far against the vile minions of
Yet despite all of this they still survive while talking about the power of diversity, girl power, pacifism and that weapons and war won't solve anything while destroying their enemies with over complicated and impossible traps. Because of this, the main characters never cease to shut up about how morally righteous they are and how violence won't solve anything despite using their "ingenious" traps to commit acts of G-rated murder. They try to play this off by having their more weapon-liking comrades not take them seriously, but that's only to have them be proven wrong later on while the little Anitas just derides their comrades whenever they try to defend themselves with weapons. Lucky for the 40k kids they only ever run into soulless Necrons who serve as the main villains since killing robot skeletons is far more kid-friendly than actually facing off against a horde of Slaneesh worshipers. Meanwhile the Fantasy ones deal with savages called the "Darkoath Barbarians". But they best not use their weapons unless they want to get scolded by their female POC leaders.
And if things do go wrong for them, the Smurfmarines and Stormcunts will be there to make the meanies run away.
I honestly think this whole thing would be legit funny and somewhat serviceable for your kids if it weren't so freaking preachy, gave kids a false impression of what the franchise is about and if it weren't just a generic copypaste of other modern and generic fantasy children's books.
Character bios said:Warped Galaxies
Twelve-year-old Zelia is the daughter of galactic explorer Elise Lor. She grew up helping Elise with archaeological expeditions on dozens of worlds, digging up ancient artefacts and alien technology. Bright and resourceful, Zelia always thinks she knows best, but isn’t as experienced as she tries to make out.
Sharing her mum’s hatred of weaponry, Zelia believes that the best way to overcome fear is to learn about the universe. That doesn’t stop her from being terrified of spiders after being trapped in the web of a gigantic temple-weaver when she was a small child.
She's perfectly fine with destroying their enemies with improvised or unconventional methods, but will come down with all the righteousness she can muster whenever her companions try to defend themselves from the various aliens trying to kill them with an actual gun. This is explicitly based on the Insane Troll Logic that a lot of the archeological sites she visited are battlefields, and being armed didn't save the dead soldiers, therefore weapons are worthless. None of her companions take this entirely seriously.
The son of a loyal Imperial Guard officer, thirteen-year-old Talen ran away from home to avoid being enlisted in the military. He fell in with the Runak Warriors, a feral gang who lived in the tunnels beneath Rhal Rata, the largest hive-city on Targian. Used to thinking with his fists, Talen finds it difficult to trust anyone, but has a good heart. Once he is on your side, you couldn’t ask for a better friend. Talen has little experience of the galaxy, hiding his insecurities beneath bluster and bravado. His only link to the past is the toy soldier his older brother gave him before going off to war, a treasure he will guard with his life.
Like all Martians, Mekki is happiest when tinkering with technology, and is able to communicate with the machine-spirits that dwell inside computers and cogitators. A talented inventor, eleven-year-old Mekki created the special robotic frame that supports his paralysed arm as well as servo sprites, a swarm of tiny robot helpers. Even though they grew up together, Mekki and Zelia have never been close. Mekki prefers the company of machines to humans and often finds it hard to make friends. He can be incredibly tough on himself, especially when things go wrong.
A member of the mysterious ape-like race known as the Jokaero, Flegan-Pala has been kept as a slave for decades. Able to create advanced weapons and gadgets from piles of junk, the orange-furred alien escaped his cage when the Necrons attacked Targian. Grumpy and cantankerous, Flegan-Pala doesn’t trust Zelia and her band of Targian refugees, his mood only worsening when Talen gives the jokaero an insulting nickname; Fleapit! With retractable fingers and toes, and a genius level IQ, Fleapit is the group's only hope for survival when they crash on an inhospitable world… but what secrets does he hide?
Bearing the mark of Ghyran, the Realm of Life, thirteen-year-old Elio is a born healer. His knowledge of potions and cures is second to none, and he’s often to be found with his nose in a giant book of herblore. But he’s not just interested in plants: Elio has a keen fascination with all things living, from the tiniest biting insect to the mightiest man-eating manticore. He may not be much of a fighter, but Elio is clever, thoughtful and considerate.
Bearing the mark of Hysh, the Realm of Light, eleven-year-old Alish is restless, inquisitive and highly intelligent, with the instinctive ability to understand and repair almost any mechanical device. But her true passion is for inventing: in her workshop she has designed and built countless contraptions, from clocks and counting machines to a full-sized airship. The one thing Alish won’t make is weapons: she prefers a creative solution to any conflict.
Bearing the mark of Chamon, the Realm of Metal, fourteen-year-old Kiri is as strong and steadfast as steel. Raised in the barbarian slave camps of Aqshy, Kiri learned to fight as soon as she could walk, honing her skills with a catapult. Somehow, this harsh life hasn’t made her cruel or resentful – Kiri is honest, stouthearted and brave. But she does struggle to trust other people, preferring her own company to that of a group.
Bearing the mark of Ghur, the Realm of Beasts, twelve-year-old Scratch’s true name and background are unknown. For some time he’s been the pet and plaything of Kreech, a mean-spirited Skaven Packlord who has kept the boy alive for devious reasons of his own. Scratch has lived underground in Kreech’s warren, fashioning clothes to make himself resemble the rat-lord he both fears and admires: his hood has ears and a straggling tail, and he paints whiskers on his face with water and mud. He may have lost the ability to speak like a human, but Scratch is a sly, sharp-witted child, as cunning as any Skaven.
Bearing the mark of Aqshy, the Realm of Fire, twelve-year-old Thanis is tough, hot-tempered and fiercely loyal to her friends. With her flame-red hair and imposing stature she can make newcomers feel nervous, but deep down Thanis is a gentle soul: vigilant, steadfast and determined to do good in the world. Growing up an orphan on the streets of Lifestone, she was forced to fend for herself from an early age. But she found companionship, first with her best friend Kaspar, then with Vertigan and the others at The Arbour, whose lives she’d do anything to protect.
Bold, devious and cruel beyond measure, Kreech is the Packlord of Clan Quickfang, an increasingly powerful Skaven faction. Kreech is unusual among the Skaven in that he has a fascination with humans, or ‘man-things’, and particularly their ability to create and think imaginatively. Kreech sees himself as superior to his fellow Skaven, able to control his animal instincts and act rationally. He has now entered into partnership with an enigmatic noblewoman, who promises power and riches if Kreech will help her achieve her mysterious goals.
Worst part is these books have apparently been selling very well. If shit continues to look good for them, expect more content like this from GeeDubs in the future, maybe even female space marines. And there's also the fact that these characters and stories are apparently knockoffs of the WoW kids books but with big dashes of wokeness.
Wait... Fucking hell. Another scifi/fantasy topic unrelated to Warhammer somehow devolves into a Warhammer shitposting scenario... Happens every time.