Star Wars Griefing Thread (THE RISE OF SKYWALKER SPOILERS) - Safety off

[Antipathy]

Alright, now that we've had fun sperging about what could've been the greatest theme park in history, I've got a challenge.

Make a park based entirely on the ST. But here's the catch: it has to be good.

 

[The Gangster Computer]

Alright, now that we've had fun sperging about what could've been the greatest theme park in history, I've got a challenge.

Make a park based entirely on the ST. But here's the catch: it has to be good.

If I must... A recreation of yellow yoda's castle I guess that functions as a restaurant/market. They could have a secret Resistance base somewhere outside that doubles as an attraction and arcade. They could add a zoo in yellow yoda's backyard where she keeps exotic (animatronic) pets from different planets. Every hour the FO shows up from outside a small FO ship nearby which contains its own FO store and cafeteria. There people can swoon over Ren all day.

Edit:
Also an autopia-themed racing course that replaces the tracked cars with tracked speeders and landspeeders along with a rollercoaster built into a small mountain, both of which are built near yellow yoda's castle which she claims to use for thrill seeking but are actually used for training new Resistance members. Now see Disney? Was that so hard?

 

[Oaat]

As for the giant space squid, according to Jon Kasdan (in his 54 BtS notes of Solo) that was just something Kennedy wanted in at the last minute because she has a tentacle fetish, with the original scene (as depicted in concept art) was going to have Han driving through harmless space jellyfish. According to Kasdan, Kennedy likes to go into her office and google pictures of giant squids, which either means she has a fetish for it, which is most noticeable in Rogue One's tentacle mind-rape scene, or Kennedy wants to make something as memorable as the Dianoga.

I long for the innocence and naivety of 5 minutes ago.

I guess that's why the rathtar had an uninspired tentacle design too. Or appeared at all. What the fuck just whyyyyy.

 

[Dom Cruise]

That really does seem to be who the park is for, or was at least produced by. They made a park with only 1 game, nothing kids can run and play on, shitty soy drinks, shitty weird soy food, bad alcohol, and SHOPPING for Rey cosplay and twee etsy-style faux handmade products. It's like the whole thing was designed to vaguely appeal to the interests of lifestyle bloggers, making pictures for Instagram, and every other aspect was scrapped.

Crazy that that's where we're at in the culture now, that rather than the once coveted "18 to 34 male" demographic they chase after the most it's instead the "Tumbler and middle aged Milquetoast housewife demographic"


Anyway, as for my ideas for a Star Wars park, mine would only be in Disney's Hollywood studios in Florida, much like Avatar Land.

The main area would be Tatooine, with an indoor area that's a nighttime street of Coruscant and maybe a third indoor area that's inside an Empire base.

The fact that a "Star Wars theme park" is not at least Tatooine is just fucking mind boggling.

 

[qu_rahn]

Tatooine would be cool but it wouldn't work in Disney World. Florida humidity would throw any sense of immersion out the window

 

[The Gangster Computer]

Tatooine would be cool but it wouldn't work in Disney World. Florida humidity would throw any sense of immersion out the window

What about in California then (much to my chagrin)? Like others said, Florida could have a different planet for its land, like Endor, Coruscant or Yavin.

 

[Citizen Calamity]

Honestly Mos Eisley would work best for Cali and some smuggling base on Endor, or at the very least Scarif, would be better for Florida.

For some ride ideas, do a motion based dark ride like the Spiderman ride from Universal based off any of the space battles from the movies. That way Imagineers can flex their talent and park-goers get the experience of being in an actual sci-fi experience and not some faux Etsy strip mall. You can still shill the squeal trilogy but at least it'll be based on interesting moment and isn't dependent on one person fucking the ride up for everyone else.

For the more hardcore thrill-seekers; dueling coaster made to feel like a speeder-bike chase that criss-crosses through the park. Shows off the scenery around the park and appeases some of the older guests.

And for the younglings kids, make a merry-go-round with mini-versions of ships from the series that riders can raise and lower with a lever.

There are hundreds of things they could've done with the park with hundreds of other places they could use for inspiration literally right next door and they somehow manage to do everything wrong.

 

[The Reaper]

Since they’ve relaxed the costume ban, why not go all out and remove it? You’re telling me one of the biggest companies in the world can’t pay to get some custom blue and red arm bands that signify a park worker rather than a cos-player? They could get super Larpy with it and have stormtroopers looking for the real Rey and interacting with guests saying stuff like, “ they’ve been sending good doubles” or ‘take them in’ for ‘questioning.’
Would the arm bands ruin immersion? Maybe but it’d be way more immersive to have a bunch of Jedi/rebels/FO walking around (and a few with armbands) than Stromtroopersacting like the dude in front of you is a Jedi when he’s in cargo shorts and sandals.

To get back on topic, how many instances of the Falcon ride run at a time, and what is the duration? I’ve been to amusement parks where iconic rides had three carts going at once and still maintained two hour wait lines. If the Falcon only has one running instance and a wait time of thirty minutes... that’s rough.

 

[IAmNotAlpharius]

Alright, now that we've had fun sperging about what could've been the greatest theme park in history, I've got a challenge.

Make a park based entirely on the ST. But here's the catch: it has to be good.

If I had to design a theme park for Florida based on the ST I would actually make the Resistance TV show the setting*. It’s set on an aquatic planet with a single tradepost on the border of wild space. So, you could do a classic water park with a Star Wars twist (SW lazy river, SW water slides, SW wave pool, etc). It has a bunch of aliens, funny enough a lot of them are from the OT and not potato faced. I didn’t watch the tv show too closely, it was on mostly to distract kids, but there was one part where the outpost went mostly underwater. That could be a fun ride akin to the haunted mansion but with alien sea life.

Castilon attracted a lot of veteran pilots. So, it could still include an OT dog fight sim/ride. Just base it around battles that the vets participated in and are now reminiscing together. (If that’s not allowed it could be more recent battles). The best part is that there could be a dozen or so missions based on famous battles. This would also improve the replay-ability. Some missions could be PvP others PvE, all could benefit from team work/co-op. A few pods could designate different kind of ships (Y-Wing/Arc 190/snow speeders have two crew members).

I would also do a ride in which everyone acts as a crew member on a resistance cr90 corvette. It’d be like Star Tours and the Falcon ride but there’s no crash and burn. Also the employees would be officers.

Another attraction could be laser tag. Kids love laser tag. Again some would be PvE (aka employees who roll over for kids). Others would be PvP. It’d be resistance v FO of course.

They can also make a roller coaster that is based on racing.

They could still do the lightsaber thing, the build your own droid, etc. Perhaps even a make your own alien. The guests would design it on a computer and then a tiny version would be 3-d printed out. It would be cool if they had a light and dark side version of the light saber crafting. To go along with the lightsabers they can teach basic fencing, if it’s not too much of a liability.

They should also do a tour/museum as others have mentioned.


*The show is meh but I think they could make the setting interesting. The best course of action would be to make a theme park that includes all eras of Star Wars but I think they could make it work if they tried.

 

[Zaryiu]

I'm still fucking amazed at how this turned out. 2.8 billion dollars down the drain on all of this...



Pretty much. The only store in the park that comes close to being like something from Diagon Alley is Dok's store of "shit Disney wants you to forget". But even then the lame merchandise takes up more space than the cool shit that's not for sale. I mean all the best stuff is on the second floor and you can't even go up there. There's even a stuffed life-size wampa up there that people would kill to have their pictures taken with.


The reason for the lack of arcade rides (aside from the Millennium Falcon) is because Disney wanted to make this park "truly immersive for a roleplaying experience", so having arcades machines was a no-no (because they seem to think arcades wouldn't exist in SW land) even though you're not allowed to truly roleplay at this park, and they're only being more lax about some costumes now to maintain attendance. I mean who the fuck gives a shit about roleplay except hardcore fa/tg/uys who LARP on weekends? Most of those types were driven away when Disney stopped pandering to them and those that were left were pushed further away for supposed bigotry. But even if that hadn't been the case, what's the point of this LARPing experience at a park when its so bloody restricted? Just build a damn arcade. Or hell add a hairy bantha that doesn't even need to be an animatronic, just a statue with a puppeteered head kids can ride on and adults can take pictures with. And how is this place supposed to make you feel like SW when there's only two familiar aliens in the whole damn place, them being a wookie (using an outdated costume) and an ithorian.

I'm convinced anyone in this thread or even some random bum across the street could design a better park than the one Disney set up. Seriously, even a fucking crack-addict might be able to do a better job. Considering some of you have been sharing movie ideas, anyone care to share some ideas for their own SW park?

1. Something where you get pay the role of a Jedi in a fight with Vader?
2. Something set before Palpations is aware of Like existence and is so fed up with Vader he has you brought before him to test you as a replacement (Both of this and the other would be VR-based to reduce injuries and potential lawsuits) for Vader with tests to see if you are worthy then Vader bust in and you have to defend yourself from him trying to kill you
I could eventually come up with other stuff but right now I'm half asleep

 

[Safir]

shops tailored towards selling crap to small children (like those plush dolls, a girl might want something like that at the age of 12

Girls at 12 are closer to wanting plush toys as the third unholy element in the obnoxious gift triad (flowers, chocolates, plush toys), to pretend to be an interior designer on instagram, than to play with.

 

[Kyria the Great]

I don't know why they didn't go with more of a midway style theme for this for if they didn't want too many attractions. Seriously, why don't we have something fun like a kickass Pod-racer game where it uses some hydraulics like some of those old VR rides you used to see at malls.

A Clone Trooper themed Barracks would be very fun where you have more like a grungy field museum with various models from the Clone/Droid Wars of the types of Clone armor as well as the types of battle droids. Then you can have a cafeteria where it is like a cafe, except you can see an animatronic droid who is more of a disaffected personality who is more like "Oh so can I take your order or something," and finally you have a Commissary where you can buy Prequel Trilogy timeline swag which includes good quality statues, foam dart blasters, PT lego sets, action figures, costumes, and other types of collectibles of jedi and such.

 

[BScCollateral]

One of the most trivial things that pulled me out of Rogue One was the scene where a Death Trooper found a Stormtrooper doll. I remember thinking, "Why would a little girl want a Stormtrooper doll?"

Oh, sure, it's possible. But now I have the nagging feeling that the license is run by people who really believe that is a typical toy for a little girl.

I have an addiction for SF rubbish. I actually was tempted to pre order an armed Star Wars Droid because I thought it looked cool. But I don't feel tempted by anything I've seen in the Galaxy Edge stores. And that baffles me.

 

[Comicsgeist]

The only nod to TLJ I'd be willing to accept in the park would be the addition of quail Porg on a stick to the menu..

Bonus points if the dish is served next to animatronic porgs mourning and sobbing..

 

[The Gangster Computer]

The only nod to TLJ I'd be willing to accept in the park would be the addition of quail Porg on a stick to the menu..

Bonus points if the dish is served next to animatronic porgs mourning and sobbing..

That one should've been an obvious addition to their shitty menus, but the park employees claim the reason that porgs aren't eaten is because "Porgs are friends, not food" and "they co-exist with us in harmony". Friends my ass. Just an excuse to salvage these things as a popular mascot when really nobody wants the toys based on these pieces of shit, kids only want the loth cat dolls (for their cuteness and cheapness) which have already sold out and now have unsold porgs and spiders filling up the empty spaces.

 

[Red Hood]

Don't forget the adult-only place: Jabba's Palace, where you can drink alcohol, smoke death sticks and enjoy the company of cute twi'leks.

It's a trap!

Disney's schoolmarms would want to drop you into the rancor pit the second you ogled that technicolor ass.

 

[Elwood P. Dowd]

Disney's schoolmarms would want to drop you into the rancor pit the second you ogled that technicolor ass.

Bib Fortuna gives me a chubby every time he hisses.

 

[The Gangster Computer]

Bib Fortuna gives me a chubby every time he hisses.

Disney gave him a cousin in Rogue One called Bob Fortuna. What does he do for you?

 

[Elwood P. Dowd]

Disney gave him a cousin in Rogue One called Bob Fortuna. What does he do for you?

Damn. I never knew Bib was related to Brianna Wu.

 

[BScCollateral]

Disney gave him a cousin in Rogue One called Bob Fortuna. What does he do for you?

I'm waiting for a relative named O. Fortuna.