StraySheep / Kayla Marie Waller / morinokunikara - Thread #2 The Return of the Tranny Spudking Sperglord Who Tried To Delete Her Thread

unidentified code
Anybody in this thread into Persona? Very interested in what a fan's take on this fic would be.
I'm a pretty big fan of Persona, myself, it's why I read so many of her fics and tried to give her advice on characterization, at first. The ship of Akechi and Mishima isn't... An interesting one to me, personally, but I'll read the fic and come back with an update. Side note, but I've done a few character analyses on the phantom thieves, themselves. Wrote shit for the fandom, too, but I don't chase after popularity like Kayla does.

Anyway, she's mad about being called out on her suicide baiting.

Alright, so, a few lines in and there's already something I'm nitpicking. Akechi doesn't seem the type to appreciate people using his first name with him, unless they're extremely close. Rarely anyone calls him by it, and he certainly doesn't look pleased when they do. Plus, considering his whole thing with privacy... I don't know, it is just extremely jarring to see Mishima reference him as Goro so freely.

A lot of Mishima's thought process is... Mediocre, to say the least. Again, I've said this before, but it doesn't hold to the same effect of what we're shown in game. It jumps quickly between Point A and Point B, with little to connect the two.

Why are "a children's book" and "a fairy tale book" two separate things? Most fairy tale books, especially ones about Americanized fairytales, such a Cinderella, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty, are still marketed to children. It feels more fitting that a Japanese hospital would provide Japanese fairy tales, you know? Like Momotaro / Momoko / Peach Boy / Peach Girl, Tanuki's Gift, or I Am Tama. These are all things that a quick Google search for "Japanese Children Fairy Tale" popped up. I guess I shouldn't be surprised Kayla wouldn't do her research, though.

There was little indication to the passage of time, either, aside from a single "It was starting to get late", before Mishima left. For me, I felt as it would be more accurate to Mishima's character if he had hesitated in leaving. Something like this:

He was so caught up in reading, that he hardly noticed the sun beginning to set. The constant beep of the heart monitor had become somewhat familiar, and it helped to suck him into the old folk's tales. Of course, he couldn't believe them- After all, life isn't a fairy tale, and Akechi would not wake with true love's kiss. He wasn't even sure this was love, at that! He just knew he felt warm, and unsure, when it came to him. That wasn't love, was it...?
But the sun was setting, and he had spent so much time in his own mind that, if he didn't hurry, he was going to miss the train. He closed the book, and rose from his seat to put it back into the shelf, gathered his bag to go- And... hesitated, in the doorway. Half of him wanted to look back, convinced that if he did, Akechi would wake up.
He doesn't. He grips the strap of his book bag tighter, and forces himself out the door.

Note: I am not a professional writer, either, and I haven't written anything for P5 in months.

Then there's that whole spiel with the talking aloud, in a single stream of consciousness. I feel like if it was broken up, and the stuttering replaced with physical descriptions of his voice cracking and breaking, it would have fit better. But, then again, I don't think Mishima would cry at all in such a place. He would get agitated and unhappy, sure, but he wouldn't cry. And his character in game tends to focus on... You know, seeing the end of the tunnel, the bright side if you would. He's the first to root for the Phantom Thieves, he endures Kamoshida, even though it tears him up, he makes thrown away jokes about Akira in regards to their friendship. Even his Shadow, while bratty and childlike, wasn't dreary like this.

Honestly, at this point I got bored. Mishima apparently cried himself to sleep, in pretty much the sitting fetal position in the hospital room. I wasn't interested in reading his character get thrashed any more, and if this is how she writes someone she apparently gets and understands to the point of kinning him, then I don't want to know how she writes Akechi. The fandom already mischaracterizes him enough.
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unidentified code
Not a good look to take writing advice from someone who hasn't even passed second grade English.

EDIT: It's starting early today because "work is slow".


It's funny how none of her followers/friends ever interact outside of "these anons aren't giving you constructive criticism!". They don't give her anything, either, it's always just "you're trying your best!" or "you're doing good!" but, much like their criticism of her other anons, none of them are providing examples of what they liked.
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Have a donut.
This is kind of awkward critiquing her fics on here, but I don't actually want to directly interact with her and I'm too lazy to make a burner tumblr/discord to shoot her messages from. Whatever.

I'm not going to rehash what @unidentified code already said, because even as another Persona fan, they've already pointed out the significant flaws it has in characterization.
As a note to Kayla, this is probably another point that hurts the popularity of her writing. Usually I can forgive breaks just to make a ship happen, but only if the characters still act like themselves aside from the magic that makes it happen.

This is the first one I've bothered to read, and I still stick by my impression of "she's trying to hit a word count" than trying to write an interesting story. A lot of sentences could be combined together or just omitted because they say the same thing twice in a row, and it doesn't read like it's meant for emphasis, it's like she forgot she already wrote it. Also, she keeps forgetting the human element once more - if Mishima is visiting Akechi, it doesn't feel like Akechi is actually in the room as she keeps referring to "the bed" and not referring to the comatose person in it, so it reads more like he's visiting an empty room and like the bed itself is kind of freaking him out.

Also, please learn the word "dread." Actually, I want her to use a thesaurus in general.
And yeah, the pacing is terrible - days are passing but it feels like a consecutive hospital visit. I don't know how to fix this without rewriting it entirely.

Once again, I feel like she isn't conveying the actual tone and feeling of the situation again - she didn't really edit Mishima's confession from last time besides adding spacing and slapping some sentences on to what she already wrote. An effort was made to try and adapt my suggestions, and it's... very half-assed and doesn't seem like she actually understood what I was trying to say. I don't know if that's my fault or not. I have to keep rereading sections of the fic because every time I tab back here, I forgot what I just read. Nothing sticks.

The urge to completely rewrite the whole thing is strong.

Pond Scum

Also, please learn the word "dread." Actually, I want her to use a thesaurus in general.
Stop it, you're going to cause a serious case of Thesaurus Syndrome.

“Goro. Man, this is stupid, you can’t even hear me can you? I shouldn’t even bother, but I can’t keep quiet anymore.”

His voice oscillated as he whispered. His words were fragile, gossamer. Insufficient and infinitesimal things, balancing at the margin of a precarious outcropping, inclined to fragmentize in seconds.

“I don’t even know how to say any of this. I still don’t understand everything about the situation, except that you risked yourself to save the Thieves. They were your enemies just days prior, and you nearly died for them. You could-” His words teetered on the boundary of the ledge, and a solitary plume could relay them ploughing down to the terrain.

“You could have died. And now you’re here and you might still die and I’m scared. I’m afraid you’ll leave thinking I hate you. I don’t hate you. I never did I-” The syllables came tumbling down in a discombobulation of limpid tears. “I care about you so much. Even when we stopped talking, I thought about you all the time. Sometimes I just wanted to talk to you again. And now I might not get that chance. I feel stupid, spilling my heart out to you like this. You’ll never know, and I might not get the chance to tell you but I just- I wish I could tell you one last time how much I care about you.”

unidentified code
The entitlement of the reply to "You're always upset about something, even when people try to help you. It's exhausting knowing that nothing will ever make you happy." is "Well maybe I'd be happy if you used the energy you used to send this ask to be more helpful", is staggering.

Where's her Macy's located? Is it in a mall? You'd think a mall would have a bookstore. Also, lmao @ "expensive gaming laptop". This, coupled with her whining a week ago about how she didn't want to ask her family for P5R because they're buying her a Switch, so she's asking her in-laws instead just really puts her life in perspective.
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The incessant “I mean I’ve tried” gets exhausting among everything else. You don’t always get shit on the first try. A lot of creators I find grow from being absolutely no one to someone simply by expanding their comfort zone and not giving up. She just maybe gives it one go and calls it a day. I feel like getting her to try again is like pulling teeth.

everything I’ve seen from her in response to any advice, criticism, confrontation, has been met with “i already tried”, ”muh mental illness”, and “but this creator gets things ALL the TIIIMMEEE :spudking:

She was one of the first cows I followed along with Vade. Nice to see nothing has changed.

Sylvie Paula Paula

Running at 500 "bi"s per minute
1. Way to throw your fiance to us to try and prove a point. We don't care about him because he doesn't do anything.

2. People who associate with pedophiles and defend pedophilia don't deserve privacy. Denying said person was ever a pedophile doesn't help at all.

3. You're an emotional leech and need serious therapy. Stop making excuses for every little thing and demanding everyone else take care of you; you're older than me and even though you can "adult", you act like a child.

4. Learn to take criticism and accept the fact that building a fanbase of any kind takes time and patience. Demanding attention and nothing but praise from others does nothing but alienate them and make them afraid of you. Learn to take criticism about your writing.

Also, seriously? Not wanting to pirate books of all things?

EDIT: Also your theme is ugly as fuck.

unidentified code
I thought this was a dig at Sapphire Crimson Claw, at first.


...So, TL;DR, someone tries to make sure Kayla isn't getting ripped off over her paychecks, she immediately dismisses them because she doesn't like the way they're saying it, and then back tracks because "I get rlly suspicious when ppl ask me a lot of personal questions.", like she didn't publicly put the information out there on her donation post, seen here:

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unidentified code


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Pond Scum

Nobody lied and said she spent $200 on a jumpsuit, we pointed out that SHE posted that the jumpsuit was $200 and SHE posted that she was going to get it.
The jumpsuit as marked down quite a bit, from what she said. So no, she didn't spend 200 dollars on a jumpsuit. She did still spend money on a jumpsuit that wasn't strictly necessary while begging for money on Tumblr.

A Detachable Penis
... she's a full time employee paying for insurance. A psychologist should be around $20 a visit if insurance covers 80%. I know the states has ridiculous rates, though, but counsellors charge $100-$140 here per appointment.

Also, there's like three different agencies in my city that offer free counseling if you drop in at certain hours. Some of them are weekends and evenings. The same counsellors work these shifts most of the time so you can even see the same person usually.

Aka, I call bullshit laziness. There's even online courses for CBT. Free ones too. Better than nothing.
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