Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Landwhale model, Body positive activist, and gigantic fraud

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Made Misty Michelle Henry Rage Quit
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1) that is an obscene amount of food for two women to have as a snack, let alone as a meal. Ryann has no idea what normal portion sizes are, but I guess she just thinks "more for me!" instead of noticing that Olly is going to eat about 1/10 of that spread at best, and become embarrassed at her own gluttony.

2) if you are just starting "sleep training" for your 4 year old, you have entirely failed at parenting.

"I made a vegan charcuterie!"

I want to slap her for ignorance and I'm not even French.
Because what are crudités?
 

HamFan

Hi, guize! OK, so
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Christ, is that one for each of them? One in the back for Bowie, then Tess, closest to the camera for Olly? That's horrifying. That'd be too much even for a special occasion. I wonder what Olly thinks of all this?
You'd almost hope they were having a hypocritical covid-ignoring party, it'd be healthier than an entire snack board per person.
 

Cockyxx

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I'm honestly surprised Tess wants to associate with Chrissy Teigen. I'm sure most of you heard about it, but a few weeks ago there were rumors that Chrissy and her husband John Legend are on the flight logs of Epstein's Lolita Express. Even if the rumors are false, that woman still had to delete thousands and thousands of tweets where she sexualized children. She had some poor excuse and said it's just her humor but that bitch is just nasty. She constantly tweets shit at the Trump family, including telling Ivanka Trump to shut the fuck up...

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....you know what? Tess and Chrissy are a match.
 

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Made Misty Michelle Henry Rage Quit
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View attachment 1595769
Christ, is that one for each of them? One in the back for Bowie, then Tess, closest to the camera for Olly? That's horrifying. That'd be too much even for a special occasion. I wonder what Olly thinks of all this?
You'd almost hope they were having a hypocritical covid-ignoring party, it'd be healthier than an entire snack board per person.
Holy shit I didn't even see the extra THREE TUBS of hummus off to the side. Because there wasn't nearly enough to eat on those trays, clearly. Wouldn't want anyone to get peckish from lack of protein when eating charcuterie, and an entire wheel of bree between two people in one sitting.

Plus, meals must all come with sauces and other mouth lubricants, how else can you slide 3,000 calories down your throat in one sitting?
 

Plastic Inevitable

Varg burned churches, not forests.
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View attachment 1595769
Christ, is that one for each of them? One in the back for Bowie, then Tess, closest to the camera for Olly? That's horrifying. That'd be too much even for a special occasion. I wonder what Olly thinks of all this?
You'd almost hope they were having a hypocritical covid-ignoring party, it'd be healthier than an entire snack board per person.
Of course Tess' is a huge mound of fatty cured meats, cheese, eggs, nuts, pickles, and olives. Plus a few scattered pepper strips, edamame, and tomatoes. Not a single piece of fruit in sight (except maybe two grapes that might actually be green olives).

The amount of sodium and fat on that slab is mind boggling.

Edit: Wait, I see a couple dried apricots tucked under the back. Which aren't really fruit, they're just pure sugar.
 

Water-T

I'm too sexy for my apartment...
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I am living for Tess breaking down in the face of not having a nanny anymore. She made her mum raise her first kid and now GOD HELP HER she actually has to raise the second one herself.

You wanted to be on the cover of Parenting Magazine, Tessy. So now you have to fucking parent.
I'm going to break out my tinfoil hat for a minute and speculate that Tess was expecting Olly to be the next Grandma Hoven / Jolene, and be Bowie's newest free babysitter.

Olly, on the other hand, has cool parties with cool people to go to, and can't let a 4 year old cramp their style. So he/she/whatever said, "nice knowing you, Tess!" and is off to greener pastures.

Don't be surprised if Tess "suddenly" decides to take in Rylee, and he ends up being the new free babysitter while Mama goes out driving for champagne cakes to eat while feeder Johns fuck her back folds.
 

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Made Misty Michelle Henry Rage Quit
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Of course Tess' is a huge mound of fatty cured meats, cheese, eggs, nuts, pickles, and olives. Plus a few scattered pepper strips, edamame, and tomatoes. Not a single piece of fruit in sight (except maybe two grapes that might actually be green olives).

The amount of sodium and fat on that slab is mind boggling.

Edit: Wait, I see a couple dried apricots tucked under the back. Which aren't really fruit, they're just pure sugar.
Don't forget the side tray with an extra 600 calories worth of bread and crackers. And the three tubs of hummus. And whatever other sauces and dips are likely lying off to the side, off-camera. And knowing Ryann, it will all be washed down with sugary booze.

I'm going to break out my tinfoil hat for a minute and speculate that Tess was expecting Olly to be the next Mama Hoven / Jolene, and be Bowie's newest free babysitter.

Olly, on the other hand, has cool parties with cool people to go to, and can't let a 4 year old cramp their style. So he/she/whatever said, "nice knowing you, Tess!" and is off to greener pastures.

Don't be surprised if Tess "suddenly" decides to take in Rylee, and he ends up being the new free babysitter while Mama goes out driving for champagne cakes to eat while feeder Johns fuck her back folds.
For now, Olly still seems to be using the place as a crash pad, but she hasn't leapt up to take charge of raising Bowie for her housemate - which is surely puzzling to Ryann after she got Jolene to do it for both her kids.

I, too, think she might take Rylee back in after Olly takes off, in order to have live-in help. Let's hope he's happy at his mom's former boyfriend's house and says he isn't coming back for as long as he is welcome there.
 

Plastic Inevitable

Varg burned churches, not forests.
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Don't forget the side tray with an extra 600 calories worth of bread and crackers. And the three tubs of hummus. And whatever other sauces and dips are likely lying off to the side, off-camera. And knowing Ryann, it will all be washed down with sugary booze.
Those tree slices are at least 14" across, given that an egg is about 2.3" long. A standard dinner plate is 10.5" wide.

Also those are definitely meant to be single serving plates; Tess' already has some pretzel chips hidden under some salami (there aren't that many on the communal bread and cracker plate and Tessie gotta make sure she's got HER pretzel chips first).
 

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Made Misty Michelle Henry Rage Quit
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That's a cold sad meal that takes 10 minutes to prepare, saying Tess has outdone herself putting minimum effort isn't a compliment.
I'm not familiar with the American kitchen but I'm 90% sure you guys don't consider putting raw/canned food on a platter as cooking (?)
And with cheapo shit brands sold at every West Coast Safeway. Really, can't spring for some Whole Foods as a famous supah moddle, Tess? Had to go with Sabra hummus, President brie, and (gulp) Hormel meats?
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DelicateMageflower

It's Algonquin for bloodsport.
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I am living for Tess breaking down in the face of not having a nanny anymore. She made her mum raise her first kid and now GOD HELP HER she actually has to raise the second one herself.

You wanted to be on the cover of Parenting Magazine, Tessy. So now you have to fucking parent.
Hard to do outcalls with a four year old hanging off your skirts.
 

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Made Misty Michelle Henry Rage Quit
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Oh lord, I just noticed there's halves of Laughing Cow cheese bites and cut-up string cheese on there. Tres fancy!
In fairness, that plate seems to be her 4 year old's, and thus adjusted more to a small child's palate.

In total shade, that's more food than a 4 year old should consume in 48 hours. If she's holding him to the song of the generational fatties and screaming "finish your plate!", then it's straight up child abuse and torture, not just trashy and lazy.
 

Plastic Inevitable

Varg burned churches, not forests.
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In fairness, that plate seems to be her 4 year old's, and thus adjusted more to a small child's palate.

In total shade, that's more food than a 4 year old should consume in 48 hours. If she's holding him to the song of the generational fatties and screaming "finish your plate!", then it's straight up child abuse and torture, not just trashy and lazy.
You're right, hers only has halved Babybel bites and the salami-wrapped cheese - aka string cheese for grown-ups.