The closest Chris has ever come to true success -

[Judge Holden]

Related to the "what goals can chris realistically attain" thread, I decided to branch off into a discussion as to which moments in christory were the ones in which chris came closest to succeeding in one of his greatest ambitions.

When did he come closest to losing his china without the aid of a hooker?

When did he come closest to creating christal?

When did he come closest to getting vengeance on the trolls?

When did he come closest to getting employment he genuinely wished for (as in the "office job fantasy")?

When did he come closest to getting sonichu published in comic, animated series, or vidya game form?

Feel free to add any new ambitions he came within a tard sprint of fulfilling if you know any

 

[Some JERK]

The answer to every single one of these questions is "never" with the exception of:

When did he come closest to creating christal?

When he fucked a hooker. Accidents happen.

 

[BillRiley]

Hmmm... I don't think Chris-­Chan has ever come close to any of the things listed above.

When did he come closest to losing his china without the aid of a hooker?

Not even remotely. He couldn't even get a hooker to take his virgin card by himself. He had to have someone take pity and do it for him. (Probably had to be driven to the no-tell motel and picked up afterwards.)

When did he come closest to creating christal?

Never. See above. (Given his diet and life style, he's probably sterile. Let's hope so, anyway.)

When did he come closest to getting vengeance on the trolls?

Never. At least, as far as I know, Chris has never successfully identified a single troll. Even when Bob figured out Ivy was a troll, Fat Dummy refused to believe him.

When did he come closest to getting employment he genuinely wished for (as in the "office job fantasy")?

Never. Again, as far as I know, he never even applied for job like that. Nor would anyone hire him if he did.

When did he come closest to getting sonichu published in comic, animated series, or vidya game form?

Never, never and never. Chris's version of his imaginary safe-place fantasy land has never come close to being published in any format. The gawd-awful scrawlings he made himself are as closest as he'll ever come.

Chris tries to portray himself as a wise, seasoned veteran of life - but that 's obviously retarded wishful thinking. Chris is so utterly naive and hopeless, he couldn't even see his life ambitions if he had access to the Hubble.

 

[Judge Holden]

I dont mean "was it ever likely" but what was the closest he ever came, even if it is just something like "learning to read" as the closest he ever came to getting his dream job for example

 

[soIregistered]

If he disappeared from the internet after Rollin' & Trollin', that would have been success. But soooo many more horrors lay ahead at that time.

 

[Hollywood Hulk Hogan]

When did he come closest to losing his china without the aid of a hooker?

Faeryn, brother!

When did he come closest to creating christal?

In his dream, brother!

When did he come closest to getting vengeance on the trolls?

In the Sonichu comics, brother!

When did he come closest to getting employment he genuinely wished for (as in the "office job fantasy")?

In his fantasy, brother!

When did he come closest to getting sonichu published in comic, animated series, or vidya game form?

Never, brother!

 

[MrTroll]

Obviously, he's completely and utterly failed at all of the things listed in the OP, and, for that matter, anything else remotely useful or important in life. However, as an amateur troll who enjoys getting a reaction out of people, I can't help but admire the amount of attention, mostly negative, that he's drawn to himself, even if inadvertently. A wiki with thousands of pages and a relatively busy forum all devoted to his antics? That's the stuff that troll dreams are made of. If he was smarter and more ambitious, I bet he could have managed to get his own horrible cable reality show on TLC, even, which would have put more money in his pocket than the monthly tugboat.

 

[Qqqqq]

This. The trolling, the cwcki, the forums, it's put his name out there more any other loser on the internet. All he had to do was go to some con or something around his peak popularity and he could have made fukken bank selling autographed copies of Sonichu along with medallions at insane prices and people would have bought them. I would say swing and a miss, but he was too busy doing that put-your-forehead-on-the-bat-and-spin-in-circles thing.

 

[Kosher Dill]

When did he come closest to getting vengeance on the trolls?

All his hated IRL enemies probably have to put up with epic weeners asking for interviews and/or ing them, and their online presence is poisoned, does that count? Prime example: ML Walsh.

When did he come closest to getting employment he genuinely wished for (as in the "office job fantasy")?

I guess his time at Wendy's. Did he actually apply to Target and Wal-Mart back during the Kacey saga, or was that a lie?

When did he come closest to getting sonichu published in comic, animated series, or vidya game form?

All 3 have been done!
.... Or did you mean published in a way he'd approve of? Then I guess he had his hand-printed comics that he tried to fob off on Game Place customers. And his vaguely-Sonichu-themed LBP and ModNation stuff.

 

[bradsternum]

The closest he's ever come to success?

Not shitting his pants when the Man in the Pickle Suit stole Emily.

For real, though, I think his biggest success is managing to graduate high school.

When did he come closest to losing his china without the aid of a hooker?

Never.

When did he come closest to creating christal?

Never.

When did he come closest to getting vengeance on the trolls?

Maybe Rollin' and Trollin'. If he had left it at that.

When did he come closest to getting employment he genuinely wished for (as in the "office job fantasy")?

Never.

When did he come closest to getting sonichu published in comic, animated series, or vidya game form?

When that Flash artist took interest in his work. Harry something or other, I think?

 

[Batman VS Tony Danza]

Harry Patridge and I think Chris shot him down because it didn't look anime enough for him or something.

If Chris was starving in the streets and someone gave him a sandwich he'd pull the lettuce off before unhinging his jaw. Once he finished it he'd complain about how you didn't use the cheap off-brand mustard and mayo he enjoys. Then he'd request another and do the exact same thing.

It's what makes him so interesting.

 

[Count groudon]

He actually managed to be born. To an elderly couple too! Even when he was inside bob (due to bobs careful recycling of course) Chris was a very exceptional individual!

 

[_blank_]

Obviously, he's completely and utterly failed at all of the things listed in the OP, and, for that matter, anything else remotely useful or important in life. However, as an amateur troll who enjoys getting a reaction out of people, I can't help but admire the amount of attention, mostly negative, that he's drawn to himself, even if inadvertently. A wiki with thousands of pages and a relatively busy forum all devoted to his antics? That's the stuff that troll dreams are made of. If he was smarter and more ambitious, I bet he could have managed to get his own horrible cable reality show on TLC, even, which would have put more money in his pocket than the monthly tugboat.

And that's kinda of the bizarre reality of CWC's existence. He has been featured in Nintendo Power (albeit in a letters column), on MTV, on the Opie and Anthony radio show, had Sonichu mentioned in a SEGA video blog, and has been a "guest cameo" in a couple of Harry Partridge's animations. I think I can hazard a guess that no one else in these boards has had the same kind of attention bestowed upon them.

But instead of actually accomplishing anything, the reason he's been featured in all of this had been through repeatedly failing in the most disturbing, awkward way possible. In his own back-asswards way possible, Chris has succeeded in becoming an internet fable and cautionary tale to anyone who had ever come across him. THAT is his greatest success.

 

[Thetan]

Obviously, he's completely and utterly failed at all of the things listed in the OP, and, for that matter, anything else remotely useful or important in life. However, as an amateur troll who enjoys getting a reaction out of people, I can't help but admire the amount of attention, mostly negative, that he's drawn to himself, even if inadvertently. A wiki with thousands of pages and a relatively busy forum all devoted to his antics? That's the stuff that troll dreams are made of. If he was smarter and more ambitious, I bet he could have managed to get his own horrible cable reality show on TLC, even, which would have put more money in his pocket than the monthly tugboat.

Look at 'Fatman' as an example. He was smart enough to figure out a way to cash in on his Internet fame. <sarcasm>If he could do it, surely someone as intellectually gifted as Chris could figure it out.</sarcasm>

 

[Sakamoto]

When did he come closest to losing his china virginity without the aid of a hooker?

When he was in jail.

When did he come closest to creating christal Crystal?

Would have to be with the hooker.

When did he come closest to getting vengeance on the trolls?

Now. He's bored several into retirement.

When did he come closest to getting employment he genuinely wished for (as in the "office job fantasy")?

Drawing Sonichu at his desk and collecting

When did he come closest to getting sonichu published in comic, animated series, or vidya game form?

When trolls animated Sonichu for him.

 

[EzioCanLeapofFaith]

I like the change from Crystal to Christal. It might have been a typo, but it really makes it seem like its Chris' own bizarre fantasy of looking at himself as a woman, even if it's supposed to be his daughter/the sister he never had.

 

[exball]

When did he come closest to getting vengeance on the trolls?

Never. At least, as far as I know, Chris has never successfully identified a single troll. Even when Bob figured out Ivy was a troll, Fat Dummy refused to believe him.

What about the Sydney chick?

 

[Blue Max]

When did he come closest to losing his china without the aid of a hooker?
In reality, Chris carousing at a bar (at something like Fridays after five) quite possibly puts him in the same room as a potential willing source of China. His odds of somehow talking to this girl, persuading her to try it with the strange weird guy, and to actually go through with the act aren't never, but it's probably thousands to one against. This is going to be a common answer, frankly.

When did he come closest to creating christal?
This one could be millions to one against. Chris isn't smart enough to try something like being a sperm donor, which is crazy enough it might actually work. He's so strange that girls that like him aren't common and so paranoid that hitting that uncommon girl is also not happening. Getting a girl to try a one night stand with our pet lolcow isn't impossible at all--frankly, he's so weird that an overly curious girl might try on a non-insane probability.

Christal requires something far different than curiosity. It requires an acceptance of carrying his child, having it, and raising it with Chris. Chris also is not going to lightly change. We've thrown out scenarios of a vaguely pathetic Belorussian woman willing to do this given an understanding of real poverty, hunger and privation, but it's hard to see anything less that would work. Even if Chris somehow impregnates a woman, he will very quickly be taken away from any responsibility of raising his child.

So, to recap, millions to one against.

When did he come closest to getting vengeance on the trolls?
I'm going to say this is probably a near miss, to be honest.

Chris, frankly, could have killed Michael Snyder on October 28th, 2011. If he had, he'd have called it vengeance. He might not have meant to, but he also hit him twice.

Michael Snyder was in mortal peril and could have died that day. In Chris' warped imagination, Snyder is the Troll King and behind all of the trolling plots against him. By luck or perhaps by his own thinking he survived with minor injuries. But Chris could very well have had his 'vengeance'--and then the world will have its own.

When did he come closest to getting employment he genuinely wished for (as in the "office job fantasy")?
Ironically, working at Wendy's at least was moving him in the right direction. Going from Wendy's to Office Job isn't implausible for the average person; if Chris had somehow stayed employed it would only be perhaps double digits to one against.

Now he'd pretty much have to be in prison, which shouldn't count anyhow. Chris doesn't want a job, which makes this an extreme longshot; it probably wasn't impossible before he quit Wendys, but he was not even close to sticking around there. Perhaps 1 Million to 1 against.

When did he come closest to getting sonichu published in comic, animated series, or vidya game form?
I'd argue that he's succeeded in these very efforts, they've merely not had the outcomes he's wanted. Youtube has animated versions of Sonichu, Maple is making a game starring him. He wants these things, doesn't want to do the work for them, and MIGHT WELL GET THEM. Of course, he's never working for a company, but Mission Accomplished?

 

[José Mourinho]

He did make himself and Sonichu popular. But in the opposite direction.

 

[rosechuismywaifu]

If Chris was starving in the streets and someone gave him a sandwich he'd pull the lettuce off before unhinging his jaw. Once he finished it he'd complain about how you didn't use the cheap off-brand mustard and mayo he enjoys. Then he'd request another and do the exact same thing.

This is pretty much the perfect analogy for Chris.

I'd say he was pretty successful at getting the attention he so desperately craves. Perhaps not from his target audience, but...