The Golden Knight (Original, Archive) -

Not open for further replies.


It's Lego Frank Mutha Fucka!
True & Honest Fan
God Damnit GK! *sigh*

Whoever holds the rights to Sierra Online's properties might want a word with him.

Quest for Glory is one of their franchises and way better than any of his ideas.
  • Like
Reactions: CWCissey


Destroyer of the Universe.
Retired Staff
Just when we thought his ego couldn't get any more inflated goldie goes: he wrote fanfiction about himself.

Today, there is a team of developers working on what they hope will be the Ultimate Quest for Glory! Jay, the project lead and writer, has invested his fortune in time and limited money from birthday and Christmas gifts to start up this video game project.

Bi-yearly income isn't usually enough to sustain a video game development company, but we're only on sentence two, so I'm going to try to withhold judgment.

His manly long hair and booming voice took control when he was not scheming about what to create or how to do it.


Today, his plan has been set in motion: make a small but awesome video game with the help of friends over the course of a few months, play God in it, and enjoy the adventures alongside his team with his Ultimate Quest for Glory! To help him manifest his plot, he has first enlisted the aid of his beloved Heather as artist. Her smooth natural red hair flowed heavenly like thick velvet, and she was modestly dressed.

We should have known Heather was going to show up at some point. Can't "play God and enjoy adventures" without your super bad-ass action hero girlfriend.

Writing and drawing would be good enough if they were making a comic book, but their aims were set higher. The most obvious roles still needed were coding and sound. Jay could handle code to a limited extent, enough to modify games that already existed. But his confidence was shot when trying to make anything from scratch. For this, he enlisted the aid of Luke, a towering meat wall with summer blonde hair. Luke was a giant who could dual-wield broadswords, which compliments Jay's explosive marksmanship and Heather's deliberative magic.

Wait they're magical game developers now? Who don't know how to program? And like, if your having trouble with coding, why would a dual wielding giant help? Unless he has a computer science degree or something, but I'm thinking probably not.

At this point, the Team could not yet think of a name for their development team. But that was not so important; making an awesome game was what became most important. So they got to work right away. The three of them were in the same room, which was no bigger than a humble office space. All 3 of them had their own computers and desks, although Jay's was positioned behind the others so he could peer around his own monitor to check on progress. With riveting symphonic \M/ETAL rocking the suite to inspire and empower, the creative process was a lot of fun, even though it took several months to complete.

He has to be an asshole control freak even in his fantasies. How is Luke the Giant even able to sit at a desk and use a computer? And it's a good thing Luke and giant and Heather are so tolerant of Goldie's need to blast power \M/ETAL every goddamn second. I mean, they owe it to him not to complain since he was kind enough to give them their own desks and everything!

Given how long such an undertaking requires, a \M/ETAL montage ensues of the three doing their jobs long and hard. Jay couldn't help screwing up his sense of time and date as sleep schedules no longer mean anything to him, and more times than not, he didn't need sleep or couldn't sleep even if he tried. Excitement and sugar sustained him! Heather, on the other hand, remained on a strict schedule with a very precise daily routine from waking up to checking messages to working on the game project to sleeping so deeply, not even a bombing run would disturb her. Luke was somewhere in the middle, managing the philosophy of "8 hours for work, 8 hours of sleep, and 8 hours free," even though his schedule varied upon college courses and demands.
I'm going to ignore everything else and just focus on the fact that Luke the dual wielding giant is attending college. I'm so curious about Luke now. He is now the most interesting character.

When they gather together, Jay exemplifies his drive by writing and firing out ideas like a minigun, while the others processed those ideas with their appropriate means. Once or twice every 2 weeks, there would be a sound-recording day, which involved a collaboration of Foley and musical instruments. For example, there was a particularly cool guitar riff for the sounds of shields running out and recharging. Everything else was taken from free sound sites or other stock sources that could be used freely. Jay even wrote in a character named Wilhelm for the express purpose of using the cliché death sound. Heather was not so keen on Jay's love for the over-the-top and other such clichés, but she had plenty of other reasons to love the dreaming action hero, especially adoring his unending stream of optimism and bright-eyed eagerness, even though that came at the cost of impatience.

So writing a character just for a specific sound effect is a bad idea, but adding a dual wielding giant just for shits and giggles isn't? Alright. Also, Mage!Heather is just as annoyed by you in the story as actual heather is in real life.

So the trio worked every free minute they had together, through the epic \M/ETAL montage of months on end as they toiled; Jay scheming and roaring his literally earth-quaking ideas nonstop as his rocking in his chair seriously shook the floorboards, Heather drawing them as fast as she could, and Luke coding while making sure all the assets functioned; the sounds synced with the actions, the timings of the scripts written worked appropriately, the graphics fit the scenes or deliberately mismatched for intended comedic effect, and so forth. After all that time and effort has been spent, finally, the real story can begin...
So this whole thing has been a \M/ETAL training montage? How is this a good montage? It's just Goldie screaming and sperging while Mage!Heather and Luke the Dual Wielding Computer Science Major Giant do all the hard work.


First, there was nothing. Then a voice boomed, "We have now readied a world most glorious, where tales of epic heroism and adventure can be spun regularly, for my name is The Maker, and in this realm, my word is the final law. We shall have our own universe where we can do as we will, completely free from the inhibitions of our current world. Team, let its creation be done!" And then a moment passed by, what felt like an eternity. Only one thing existed, and it was a single image: "compiling." As soon as "compiling" changed to "done," there was a flash of life that spanned All Existence! Where there was once absolute nothing, now very bright dots shined, representing stars in the sky. A planet spontaneously popped up, which looked like Earth but manifested clearly different geography. It showed a singular giant landmass akin to Pangaea. Thus, The Maker willed that "Pangaea" shall be the planet's name.
Before, there was nothing. Now, there is existence. Next was to spawn life. Based on the manifestations of the Creators, all manners of activity materialized in only a fraction of a second, including humans bustling with basic intelligence; a species shaped in the image of their Makers. The Makers called them "NPCs," meaning Non Player Characters; filling the roles of the commoners, nobles, shopkeepers, and anyone not of heroic status. Only one chosen character was the "PC," the Player Character who shall rise as the Chosen One to do the bidding of the Three Creators. Despite all the tranquility and harmony, there were things to do, missions and quests defined by the Three Creators. Thus begins THE Ultimate Quest for Glory!

Fuck, he really is on a God mode power trip.
Continue this or my beard will be unhappy.


More Green Than Whole Foods
This is brilliant. :lol: I always found it hilarious how he's obsessed with becoming an 'epic badass warrior with golden battle armour' yet is a huge fan of The Powerpuff Girls, going so far as to say "By Blossom" when he's upset. Now I can never watch the PPG's again without thinking of this
. :heart-empty: Also, I always found it weird how his favourite is Blossom. No-one likes Blossom. Everyone I've ever known had either Bubbles or Buttercup as their favourite.
I...I liked Blossom.
  • Like
Reactions: Silver


Beavis-Kin; Nacho/Nachos/Nachoself
I don't want to get into the whole "I could beat him up" gimmick. We're all better than that. I would be absolutely fascinated to see him in a physical confrontation though. I assume it'd be like the CWC Fighter video. He'll know what a punch and kick are but he'd throw them insanely poorly.
It's not so much about beating him up as much as just morbid curiosity, since he's talked about training to be an epic warrior of what the fuck ever. I can't remember if he's said anything about actual martial arts experience, but something tells me he has little to no actual experience with even a heavy bag, much less a live opponent. I just think the reality check ("You mean I have to put forth EFFORT? That's not EPIC!") would be really amusing.
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: CWCissey


mean girl
True & Honest Fan
More sporking!

Jay and Heather

By the Golden Knight
Two soulmates, like Bonnie and Clyde except crusaders instead of criminals, have finally met together in person. They have fallen in love and do literally everything together, from eating to studying to even taking showers together!

Be careful with the word, "literally" there buddy....

Every free moment when their hands aren't tied playing video games or target practicing, they're wrapped around each other as if they're afraid letting go will mean never seeing each other again. Months were invested beforehand, becoming acquainted and introducing each other to their comfort zones until both have merged into one interwoven existence.

Well that's...creepy and weird. But I mean, at least they make time for target practice.

Distilled in simplest form, all they need for happiness is "Kicking ass and making love", sometimes rough love. Jay is an 18 year old teenager who hungers to become an action hero like from the popular 80s or even 90s movies, and his beloved Heather feels exactly the same, even if the two of them reference different titles. Today is June Sixth, and both of them weren't looking for any trouble today, going out to exercise at the downtown gym.

Rough love? *shudders* GK, Heather's got enough problems without you flapping your limp dick around in a leather suit and chains. And Heather doesn't give a crap about being an action hero. You just made that up.

While stopped at a red traffic signal along the way, one hooded bandit ran out of nowhere and punched the window of the car on the driver's side. The crook shoots her with a dart, but doesn't have the chance to flee before she whips out one of her concealed Smith and Wesson 500 Magnum revolvers, firing in self-defense a rocking blast that explodes a bubble of force all throughout the inner cabin of the car. The shot pulverizes the villain's upper torso, no doubt killing it. As for Heather the dart that lodged into her delicate breast injected a green serum into her. She cooed and moaned, telling him, "I feel nauseous and dizzy; throbbing headache like Mjolnir itself struck me, and -" She squeaked a groan while holding her stomach before falling back into the seat, nearly unconscious. Jay drove her to the hospital.

Okay, before we talk about this...scene...I just want to point out that for all his grammar nazing, the phrasing and structure of this paragraph is atrocious. He constantly switches pronouns and point of view and it's just terrible. I'm not going to question why (and how ) Heather was concealing such a gun, because clearly GK knows nothing about guns or cars so we'll let that go. What I want to know is why she gets shot in the boob with a dart and just swoons daintily.

The doctor took a blood sample from sleeping Heather, and came back with the results. "Worded bluntly," the doctor explained, "She's dying.

Now, we can give her medicine like aspirin to relieve symptoms or even delay the deterioration process, but we need a sample of the original toxin to formulate a cure." Jay stays by Heather's bedside, looks up to the doctor, and softly asks, "Will she be able to come with me?"

Aww shit, she's dying. Better give her some aspirin or Ibuprofen or like, a band-aide or something.

"Uh, that wouldn't be a good idea-"
"Look, she needs her rest."
"And we do EVERYTHING together! We were made, to be together!"
Heather wakes up with a muffled moan. Jay gushes, "Honey, are you OK?!" She weakly asks, "Please, stay with me." He can't. "No," he explains, "I have to go find a cure." She urges, "I want some aspirin, or something to get me up." The doctor shakes her head, but Heather insists, "We're a team. We go together." Jay and the doctor gave Heather both the medicine and the time for substantial symptom relief. Heather was still ill and suffering from it, but she bravely climbed out of bed and limped along with Jay, until she walked with him to their car.

God Heather! GK needs to be with you EVERY SECOND. Get the fuck up woman, your boyfriend has dependency issues that need attending.

"What's sad," Jay groaned with discouragement, "is we don't even know where to look." Looking closely at the dart showed some kind of emblem. They drove around the city, looking for that emblem and even asking the police and public records about it. Most of their searches were fruitless, and Heather was again lapsing into stronger symptoms. She rekindled her medical dose.

Yeah, that sure is "sad" GK. Your searching methods suck and you are dragging your dying girlfriend around town while your looking up public traffic violations and zoning laws.

Meanwhile, back in the gang's base, the drug lord ominously ordered, "I need a report. Where's Grunt?" A minion sheepishly answered, "Uh, he didn't return. I think he's, uh...dead." The overlord growled angrily and ranted, "He was the one testing our poison! Shit, if that shit works, we could inject it into anything!" The guy groans, then asks, "Any idea on how he died?" The minion grew even more nervous, telling, "Huge-ass pistol blast, carved a hole the size of Uranus."

"Who did this?!"

Grunt? Minion? What is he, head of Team Rocket? Why did they just randomly try to kill a person?

Back with our epic duo, they manage to see a warehouse of the same logo, even though the huge version of it on the wall is faded out from scrubbing and weather erosion. Jay hollers, "There! That must be it!" Their car parks in front, and they hop out, charging into the bowels of the lair.

Well shit, I guess they ARE Team Rocket. Also, isn't Heather dying?

Gangsters greet them with blazing Uzis, but Jay takes out his shotgun and blows the one back while Heather takes one of her huge pistols and blasts the same thundering hole in the second.

he falls to her knees and winces as her plague from the toxin is leaving her with what is most identifiable as a hangover. She groans and holds her head, clamping her ears with her palms. Jay gets her up as he blasts more incoming idiots, dodging their bullet streams as well.

I don't think GK knows what a hangover is. Or how poison works.

Time is running out, as Heather's condition worsens and there is no conventional way at the time to slow the spreading of the venom in her veins. There's a huge steel door blocking their progress, and both Jay and Heather have their backs up against it. Jay does his best to crack it, but a dozen other gangsters keep shooting at them with assault rifles. The door gets cracked open through computer command, but with Heather's illness growing perilous, he suppresses the others all by himself and drags her into the other room, shutting the door after them.

Inside, nobody's around and there's only one room beyond the empty warehouse room they currently occupy. Jay leaves Heather to rest, puts his shotgun on his back, then looks to his left to find an M249 machine gun.

You know, more literature needs heal time, save points, ammo dumps and equipment drops.

In the final room, where the Boss is lingering, he notices everything has gone silent. The chemicals brewing the poison are to his right, as he stares at the closed door at the foot of his pyramid, where he sits on his throne at the top. Jay kicks down the door, and suddenly shoots up the room with the machine gun, until the last 15 shots where he cocks his arm back and roars like when Rambo went to confront Murdock. In fact, Jay was actually wearing a red bandanna throughout the whole fight, in addition to his blood-stained gauze around his neck, which he wears everywhere except into showers or pools, as it's a trophy of his first violent altercation - and first victory.

And suddenly GK is Rambo. Suddenly. Very Suddenly. And I'm glad that GK is finally establishing character profiles now, in the middle of the boss fight. Learning about GK's dirty neck bandages really adds to the action sequence.

A few of those bullets hit the startled mastermind in nonlethal areas, but Jay was mostly interested with the spectacle of him turning the room into Swiss cheese. When the ammo box was empty, Jay threw the gun violently to the floor and marched up to the wounded mastermind. The crook discretely drew a knife from his back pocket, and when Jay put a hand on the guy's throat, he tried to slit Jay, but that quickly turned into a wrestle.

They tumbled down the stairs, fighting over the knife by pulling off multiple ploys of leverage. Finally, Jay knees the guy's elbow, breaking the arm, which allowed him to stab the villain plainly in the stomach. He fell over, and Jay notices the chemistry set. He extracts a sample of everything from it, puts it in a soft pouch, and carefully marches back out with it.

Ah the classic mobster chemistry set. A staple for Mob leader's office.

With this lair cleared, he dragged Heather back out, loaded them both up into the car, and drove off towards the hospital again. When they arrived, Jay handed the beakers, answering confidently, "Here, this should be what you need."

"Here. Just take this science shit and give my gold and EX points for completing the quest. Oh and fix my girlfriend."

Another test was done on Heather, which gives grim concern amongst the doctors. At this point, she is perfectly out cold. The researchers scramble to find a cure, but Heather's lifesigns start to fade, as the blipping heartbeat grows increasingly slower. Experiments are conducted under sweating tension, as the scientists sweat from the pressure of time. They combine the serum with countless other chemicals, each one having its own long string name. Finally, they find a combination that breaks down the serum composition into water vapor, heat, and proteins.

Good thing all hospitals are just filled with chemists who have tons of time and resources at their disposal, right?

They dash back with this formula, but just as they arrive, Jay sits at the foot of the bed and the distinctive flatline buzz rings. He groans, clenched fists and fighting the temptation to do something, knowing that this isn't his fight. The antidote is injected into her, followed by the shocking energy from planting the two pads of a Defibrillator on her bare chest.

A moment of suspense goes by after applying both the cure and the revival attempt, but her lifesigns pick up again. She barely opens her eyes, looking all cute in the process. He tenderly but firmly hugs her, squealing great glee to see she's alive. She's still very woozy, but at least she continues to get better. The staff involved applaud their success.

Finally, after a day's rest, she's fully discharged from the hospital, then both lovers kiss and hold hands while literally walking off into the sunset.
Last edited:
Not open for further replies.

About Us

The Kiwi Farms is about eccentric individuals and communities on the Internet. We call them lolcows because they can be milked for amusement or laughs. Our community is bizarrely diverse and spectators are encouraged to join the discussion.

We do not place intrusive ads, host malware, sell data, or run crypto miners with your browser. If you experience these things, you have a virus. If your malware system says otherwise, it is faulty.

Supporting the Forum

How to Help

The Kiwi Farms is constantly attacked by insane people and very expensive to run. It would not be here without community support.

BTC: 1DgS5RfHw7xA82Yxa5BtgZL65ngwSk6bmm
ETH: 0xc1071c60Ae27C8CC3c834E11289205f8F9C78CA5
BAT: 0xc1071c60Ae27C8CC3c834E11289205f8F9C78CA5
XMR: 438fUMciiahbYemDyww6afT1atgqK3tSTX25SEmYknpmenTR6wvXDMeco1ThX2E8gBQgm9eKd1KAtEQvKzNMFrmjJJpiino