The Greentext Thread

Jumpin Jenkins

Needs About Tree Fiddy
Feb 21, 2015
A place to put all of your favorite meme-arrow stories.
>Two years ago
>I’m a soulless ranga, I’m an average build and I have a real horse face
>There will be no tits, just so you know
>At the time, I lived in an apartment that reminded me of two large prison cells connected with a door
>Two rooms, one bedroom and one kitchen/living area, communal bathroom down the hall
>Rough area, bars on all the windows. To this day I feel unsafe without bars on the windows
>Concrete walls, concrete floors, freezing in winter and boiling in summer
>Total sh*thole but it was cheap and very secure
>I owned a nice rug, hung up some colourful scenic posters, tried to make it feel nice
>Home to me for over a year
>In such a rough spot it was important to know your neighbours, so if someone broke into my place and I screamed for help they’d be more likely to call the cops
>Across from me, Indian family of four. No idea how they squeezed their life into such a small place. They made me awesome curry on the weekly because I fixed their computer once
>To my left, a middle aged divorced businessman. Made the best casserole I have ever tasted. Had two primary school aged kids who would visit every other weekend. Probably browsed /r9k/ but he was nice to me.
>Various nice people around, a few preferred to keep to themselves, not going to describe them all but you get the idea
>To my right, for lack of a better word, a Tumblrina
>I actually had no idea what Tumblr was back then
>I’ve read descriptions of Tumbrlites since then as well as lurking the site and they’re all right on the money
>Morbidly obese, no idea how she managed to shuffle her bulbous body around in such a tight living space
>No personal hygiene, walking past her door you could smell off milk and body odour
>Unkempt greasy hair, horrid acne, caked on makeup with no understanding of how to actually apply makeup, nails about an inch long and almost black with gunk, the whole nine yards
>She moved in about three months before my lease ended and I was happy to learn there was a single white girl of about my age living right next to me
>Was hoping to be good friends
>It went about as well as you’d expect
>My first time meeting the hambeast went as follows
>I knocked on her door to introduce myself
>Heard a nasty wet cough from behind the door, someone moving furniture around
>Very long pause
>Occupant looking through the peep hole, a safety tactic that I am religious about myself
>Door suddenly flung open
>Enter hambeast, greasy singlet that used to be white, yoga pants that looked about ready to split, dark wiry hair tugged up into a messy ball squarely on top of her head
>Dolphin call, a high shrill squeak
>you what sorry
>She clapped her hands and stomped her feet like a cutesy animu moeblob
>I watched the shock impact ripple across her gelatinous thighs
>”You know, Disney princess Ariel? How can you not know about a DISNEY PRINCESS??”
>um ok lol
>”I’m sorry haha I’m just so random!” repulsive giggle
>Haha that’s cool
>”I just love Disney Princesses so much, sorry I’m a bit weird!”
>Yeah whatever that’s cool, introduce myself and tell her that I live next door
>She invites me in

>Good god. I expected mess because she’d just moved in but it was beyond a joke
>Looked like a hoarder had been living there for 10 years
>I could vaguely make out a couch and a small table with a chair under piles of books, clothes, bags of rubbish and other bits of crap
>Clear path on the floor to the kitchen and bedroom, littered with chip crumbs and pieces of paper
>Kitchen sink somehow filled with dirty dishes, counter littered with fast food containers and shopping bags brimming with utensils and frozen food packets
>The smell hadn’t reached its final form at that stage, but it didn’t smell like a garden of roses either
>I was visibly disgusted by the mess but the hambeast didn’t seem to care
>”It’s a bit messy tee hee I’m still getting everything packed away”
>Nobody in this thread is dumb enough to believe this apartment will ever pass a visit from the health inspector
>Making conversation, I mention Disney princesses
>She goes off on a rant about how they resonate with her on a molecular level because they represent perfection and femininity as well as strength and intelligence and etc etc etc
>She worded it more like “OMG they’re so pretty and beautiful and lovely and dainty and blah blah blah”
>She procured a sketch book from a pile of junk on the couch, the first of many magic tricks to come
>Flips it open
>Shaky felt tip drawings of princesses, obvious traces
>The further she flipped, the princesses started to look better, obviously not a trace, can see improvement as it goes on
>Compliment them politely
>Eventually the zombie princesses start popping up
>The princesses in bondage gear
>She mentions Fifty Shades of Grey

>Naked princesses, princesses having sex with each other, princesses having sex with each other’s princes, down it goes
>Live action DeviantArt account right here
>I was once a little girl so I recognized all the characters and my inner child wept that day
>Trying to get her to put the sketchbook away, I notice a PS2 sitting on top of a jungle of cords on the floor
>Ask her if she likes to play vidya
>Her eyes light up and I wish we could just go back to the sketch book
>”I’m a girl gamer lol I actually play video games unlike the sluts on youtube who play in their underwear and accept donations”
>Turns out she’s a big Square Enix nut, loves Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts and all of those other pretty boy games.
>Rattles on and on about graphics and story and all but admits to masturbating to them.
>I admit that I don’t play many games myself
>She giggles at me, getting a real ‘I’m not like the other girls tee hee’ vibe
>Bail out bail out
>Right well I’ll see you around haha gotta go do some stuff
>She seems really reluctant to let me leave, takes me almost a half hour to say goodbye and extract myself from her cage
>Trying to be nice, we’re neighbours after all
>Later that evening, having bf over for dinner
>Cooking is one of our shared hobbies, he was grilling some steaks and I was cutting vegetables for a simple side salad
>Knock knock
>Who’s there?
>Glance through the peephole
>You know who’s there

>Open the door
>”Hey anon I was next door tee hee and I couldn’t help but smell something delicious coming from your way! Are you cooking?”
>I’m beginning to feel the fatigue already
>Try to be polite, tell her that bf is over and we’re cooking dinner
>”Oh wow, I didn’t know you had a boyfriend!”
>Well yeah dibshit I never mentioned it to you-
>wait what the hell are you implying
>”Oh you know, you’re so skinny, I don’t know a lot of men who like skinny girls.”
>Should have slammed the door on her but I just smiled politely
>I wasn’t thin at the time, I just wasn’t obese like her
>Yeah well to each his own etc etc
>Steaks are ready, bf calls out to me
>Hambeast pokes her head through the door past me and has a good squiz at my place
>Pushes me aside and lets herself in
>Channel my inner Elsa
>Let it go, let it go
>Boyfriend says hello to her, introduces himself as he plates up our meals
>Hambeast eyes the food
>”Wow did you cook those bf-kun” “they look so good” “I love steak tee hee”
>Yeah well there’s only two servings and we’re about to eat
>”Oh that’s okay guys, I don’t need any food”
>Three chairs at my table, sits herself in mine
>I’m a friendly person yes but I was pretty quickly discovering my limits

>Grit my teeth, take the spare seat
>Bf totally oblivious, very hospitable with my guest
>He plays a lot of vidya so they chat about games while I eat quietly
>Hambeast is watching the food
>Watching bf, he begins to get a feel for her personality
>Watch his eyes glaze over as she talks about glorious nippongo games
>She reveals she hasn’t actually finished most of the games she owns, they’re too hard for her
>Seems to have only a very loose understanding of video game culture
>I would kek but I’m crap at vidya too
>Conversation dies pretty quick
>Hambeast starts dropping hints that she is hungry
>”Say anon, do you have a left over steak?”
>Apologize, no sorry, these were good steaks from the butcher so we only bought what we needed for tonight
>”Oh haha I see. That’s too bad.”
>Got plenty of leftover salad sitting in plain sight on the bench
>She doesn’t ask for any of that
>Eventually we finish our food and start washing up
>She hangs around, telling us all about her family
>That’s nice, take her and lead her to the door.
>I’m standing there right next to her, holding the door open and saying crap like ‘well that was nice haha I hope you have a good night’
>does not compute
>Say to her with a smile “Alright well, it’s time for you to go home now.”
>Watch her face drop
>She shuffles out
>Standing in the hallway looking like a kicked puppy
>Starts to say something about not being busy this evening
>I cut her off politely, say good night and shut the door
>Watch her through the peep hole
>She stands looking at the door like a goldfish
>Then she scowls, mouths “f*ck you” and gives my door the finger before waddling off
>oh boy lol
>so began my time living next door to a hamplanet

>On my way to work the next morning, she stops me in the hall
>I get a pretty generic 'hey sorry about last night, let's start again you seem like a cool chick' speech
>Love not war guys, I don't expect much from her but I'd decided to play nice
>Pretend like there's nothing to forgive her for
>I'm an idiot yeah
>She brings up my bf
>"He seems like a nice guy, where'd you meet him?"
>"Oh you know, we had the same group of friends, I got dragged to a board games night and we hit it off"
>"omg you like board games what a nerd"
>She says it like it's a bad thing
>I'm not a nerd but I was under the impression it's popular to be seen as one
>ok whatever I'm going to be late for work, catch you later
>Walking away I get the sensation she's glaring at me
>Look back and she hastily adjusts her bun
>I'd bet money she was flipping the bird at me again

>The leviathan does not raise its head for a few nights
>Playing Sentinels of the Multiverse with bf that saturday morning
>It's a new game to us and we're having a bit of trouble figuring it out
>It never grew on me, to this day I have no idea how to play it
>Knock knock
>Peephole, it's the hamplanet
>Whisper to bf who it is
>He rolls his eyes and whispers back to not let her in
>"I know you're in there guys, I heard BF-kun laughing a moment ago"
>Open the door
>Hamplanet is wearing a tight dress that should have been burned in a cleansing fire
>Cleavage about to jump out
>She's holding a hard drive
>"Hey anon do you guys like anime?"
>no pls no
>"Well I'm on my way to a really cool board game club so I just wanted to drop this off and see what you guys think of my fav animes."
>Please jesus don't let her see we're playing sentinels
>Jesus confirmed for not real, she looks in and sees the cards on the table

>Barges in
>Engage doormat mode, I mumble that she needs to leave
>"Wow BF-kun you look so hot shuffling cards!"
>"Tee hee whoops sorry, that just slipped out!"
>Subplot revealed, she's after my boyfriend
>It took me another few encounters to figure it out
>Bf looks a bit confused
>Heart of gold, totally oblivious when it comes to girls
>Tries to explain Sentinels to her
>It's a simple super hero game, as far back as I remember, but she didn't really figure it out
>Dumped herself in my seat again, chair groaned angrily
>With the way the cards were it was pretty obvious I was just sitting there
>She thumbs through my cards, I notice her leaving greasy fingerprints all over our brand new cards
>I clear my throat very loudly
>You can touch them again when you wash your hands you filthy degenerate
>She takes that to mean she's invited to play with us
>Dashes over to the sink to wash her hands
>I take the opportunity to herd her to the door
>"But anon"
>Don't you have a really cool board game get together to go to?
>She's stuck
>Bye now
>Close the door
>Watch through peephole
>She pretends to punch the door
>It was funny but I was becoming genuinely concerned about this violent, two faced behaviour
>Hindsight is a b*tch, shoulda gotten a restraining order

Anyway so about a month or more passed. My lease was almost up and I'd been planning to move into my boyfriend's unit for financial reasons. I decided to play nice with the hamplanet because come on, just for a few more months and then she's gone forever.

>You've probably been able to tell, I'm paranoid about safety
>Living alone in a rough area will do that
>I've been mugged and attacked before so I'm really jumpy
>In the middle of the night
>What the hell, spring out of bed ready to kill anything that moves
>Someone's banging on my door
>Heart hammering, feeling faint
>Creep to the door
>Nobody there
>f*ck me I swear I heard something
>Barely sleep a wink after that
>Sun rises, go to make myself some breakfast
>Notice an envelope slid under my door
>Open it up
>A grainy photo of my boyfriend walking in front of the building
>My heart stopped, maybe I died and imagined the rest of it

>Ring boyfriend, takes about four or five calls before he picks up
>He's alarmed, knows I get scared sometimes
>I'm almost hysterical
>Heart of gold, always concerned even if it's a false alarm. He hated that I lived alone
>Tell him about the door and the envelope
>He tells me to calm down, that it's okay
>You know it's probably someone trying to play a trick on you
>I tell him it's probably not safe for him to come over because someone is watching us
>Bf goes bearmode, nobody threatens the lady
>Tells me to pack a bag and he's coming to get me
>I throw some clothes in a bag and make some food to calm my nerves
>Hear a knock at the door and damn near jump out of my skin

>It's the hamplanet
>She can knock all day, I'm not opening the door
>Call boyfriend, he's already on the train
>Share the good news
>We won't be murdered in our sleep whoopee
>He's relieved but he insists on coming over anyway to make sure I'm okay
>Hang up, go back to scrambling my eggs, hands shaking a little less
>"Anon I know you're in there, I heard you crying before"
>Oh no
>I'm still not talking to her or letting her in
>"I'm just concerned, I heard a noise in the middle of the night and I know there are a lot of creepy guys out there."
>I open the door a crack but don't take the chain off so she can't get in
>Thanks but bf is coming never mind me
>Shut door before she can say anything
>Go back to cooking

>Eating, there's something wrong with my eggs
>They taste fine but they make a weird noise when I chew
>I must have cooked them wrong because I'm so strung up
>Gobble them down anyway, they taste like cardboard
>A half hour passes but there's no sign of boyfriend
>I keep looking at my phone, no texts, nothing
>Hamplanet didn't do anything to him on his way in did she?
>I was about ready to go look for him when I suddenly heard him shout from the corridor
>I dashed out
>For some reason, he's standing in front of the hambeasts door
>She's stepped out and is pulling him by the arms
>She's wearing her underwear
>A lacy black bra that is buried under the flesh of her fat wings
>A tiny gstring cutting through the fat like string on a pork roast
>it hurts to breathe
>it hurts to live
>"Boyfriend-kun come in before she sees us"
>Boyfriend is about two heads taller than her, pushes her back and her gravitational axis shifts
>She hits the door frame on her way down
>Watch in awe as the shock impact ripples over her fat

>Boyfriend flees into my apartment
>His face is about as white as a sheet of paper
>I watch the beast struggle to rise
>She's crying noisily but she seems to be okay
>Follow boyfriend in and deadbolt the door behind me
>boyfriend looks like he just came back from a battlefield
>What the hell, why were you at her door?
>He looks at me in horror
>"She switched the numbers on your doors!"
>Open the door, step out, sure enough, my door has her number on it
>The beast is still trying to right herself
>Ignore her plea for help and step back inside
>bf you dumbass how do you mix up the doors you know mine is the third door and not the fourth
>Decide to talk about that later, boyfriend is in shock
>"She touched me,"
>I hand him sanitary hand wipes and he scrubs his arms
>You could actually smell her on him, it was rank
>Boyfriend wanted to have a shower but that would mean going outside again so he just used all my wipes
>Both our nerves are shot so we food up
>Neither of us wants to talk about what just happened
>An hour later, there's a knock on the door

>I'm f*cking with you all
>I looked through the peephole and it was a cop
>oh crap, open up
>Two cops, a man and a woman
>"yo is boyfriend-kun here"
>not like that obviously
>Boyfriend comes up to the door
>"evenin guvna"
>"We've received a report of assault and you need to come with us"
>Turns out the hamplanet caught the latch on the doorframe on her way down and it carved a chunk out of her butter
>She ended up at the hospital getting five stitches
>Filed a police report against my boyfriend
>F*ck this noise, we both go down to the station with them
>I'm a witness so they let me come along
>They take boyfriend away and question him while I make a statement
>We had no time to corroborate a story together so it helps our credibility
>I show them the photo, tell them about the number plates on the doors, tell them what happened in the hallway
>Boyfriend is in the police station for a few hours
>at the edge of my seat the whole time

>Eventually they let my boyfriend go
>He didn't mean to hurt her, it was an accident etc etc
>Boyfriend later told me that the cop questioning him had just come back from the hospital taking the beast's statement
>The fact that she was still wearing that disgusting getup was very incriminating against her argument
>The photo under the door can't be tied to her but it does cast suspicion on her
>She receives an official warning not to falsely accuse people of assaulting her and is advised to stay away from us
>sweet justice muthafuka
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