The Horrors of the "Professional" World - Stories that will make you wonder how we exist.

pwincess fwuffypants

always napping
They don't stay in that line of work, but frequently, next man up is just as bad as they were.

It's a low-pay low-prestige job. The companies get exactly the kind of people who want/can only get a low-pay low-prestige job. The fact at one point, 5 guys in a row in the door failed the drug screen, the one that we mention IN THE AD you'll have to pass, one who bombed it so hard he had to have been using the MORNING he took the test, doesn't help.

There are idiots who walk in the door, can't fill out the application properly and when the boss asks "do you think we can train them up?" we all say "Hell no, don't hire him, he's an idiot who'll break something first time he's alone"
Hi, I'm Ethan Ralph, former livestreamer. I hear you need someone to tow your car?

How the fuck we still have this contract I will never know.
Probably because as bad as your company is, everyone else is even worse.
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Slowboat to China

Drinking Toilet Duck
In a moment of supreme and apparently unrecognized irony, I had a painfully woke superior mansplain the concept of mansplaining to me today.

To make a very long and stupid story short, male superior was concerned about some copy I'd written for an ad. Said it came off as mansplaining. I, certified female person, didn't think said copy was problematic and asked for clarification. Superior proceeded to explain how my own copy was, in fact, offensive to me.

Said superior is also in the habit of trying to insert old memes into my copy in order to appear with-it. He also thinks we should have regular meetings in order to brainstorm memes to post on our company social media--but memes which meet branding and corporate standards. Sir, step away from the Birdbox gifs before we have to hurt you.


True & Honest Fan
It's not all that uncommon for the person towing the wrecks to end up damaging themselves, the road or other vehicles by being just idiots with no ability to predict obvious outcomes.

I had one where the genius sent to recover a car on it's side decided that rather than use the truck's equipment he'd simply rock it onto it's wheels. I was busy doing paperwork and next I hear is a big crashing sound. Look over and he'd managed to rock it just far enough that when it came back he couldn't stop it so ended up under it which added a whole load of extra work to the incident.

Another time they decided it didn't look too bad so they would drive it onto the truck (despite the offside front being almost entirely folded under the car in the crash). He started it up and drove for about 10 foot before both front wheels came off and put huge gouges in the road surface.

Finally I had one where they'd crashed during a pursuit and I had to quickly put the car out with my fire extinguisher due to it starting to catch alight from the heavy driving and crash. While I'm dealing with all the traffic, people who'd tried to get away etc the recovery guy starts up the car to drive it to the truck. Cue a lot of smoke and flames. I completely empties my extinguisher the first time so we could just watch it burn.

We keep cancelling towing company contracts for dumb shit their employees pull but the new company is always just as exceptional. How people stay alive in that line of work is a mystery.
Oh man I feel for you. In 15 years on the job I never encountered those sorts of issues from the tow guys. I think I got lucky. The main contracted tow company in my area was owned and operated by a retired Chief. He was big on safety with his drivers and didn’t tolerate stupidity. His nickname was “tiny”. People tended to listen when he yelled at them.

Now the County Police ES truck? /shudder. Never ever give a Hurst Tool to a Cop. Especially if you have to be inside the car when they try to learn how to use it.

Meat Poultry Veg

The staff of life
There is a sequel to my previous post here.

One of the worst feelings in the world is interviewing for other jobs while working in a job you hate.

The bad feelings you have from your current job bleed into everything you say and do and it makes the song and dance about "why do you want to leave your current position" all that more awkward. (I'd like to be honest with my answer for once just to see the reaction on my interviewers' faces when I say "I'm sick of working for a corrupt Chinese shit hole").

Today I had an interview that the hiring manager sprung on me at the last minute and like an idiot, I accepted. It was stupid of me to accept because she told me "I don't think you seemed enthusiastic during the phone interview" but she scheduled it anyway--stupid, stupid @Meat Poultry Veg !!!

Not only did the hiring manager NOT show up for the interview, they changed the panel on me at the last second. I should have seen all the signs that this was a waste of my time.

I told them that I was really interested in a certain new technology they were working on but the last member of the panel said "You do understand you'll just be doing routine bullshit every day of the week, right?" I explained that I have a growth mindset which is important for a startup, but he said "Yeah, well you can't always get the opportunity to expand in a small company. Or in a big company for that matter."

To top it off he was one of those guys who asks human resourcey questions that are designed to trip you up. So yeah, fuck that company, fuck that hiring manager and fuck that last smug asshole! I give myself a 10% chance of getting an offer from them, tops. If they do give me an offer, I'll give them a ridiculous salary figure just to fuck with them.
During my last post, I never got into any specifics about why I wanted to leave my current position, besides the whole "working for the Chinese, who are the ultimate enemy of the rest of the non-Chinese world."

Early during my time there, I trained a guy who was added to my team. When I was out sick, he quit his job without notice. Him fucking me over is not the thing that angered me, but it did raise some red flags. You see, despite the fact that the quitter was a Chinese mainlander, he quit the company because in his view, "Chinese companies in America have problems with management." Knowing what I now know, I'm not angry that he left.

The number one source of my ire is my boss. To his credit, if we were peers or working on parallel projects, I would have no problem with him at all. His problem is that he tries to be a nice guy but as a management neophyte working for a stereotypical Chinese Dragon Lady, he tends to be this schizophrenic mix of Michael Scott and Principal Seymour Skinner. While he was still a Sr. Scientist, he did very little to no scientific work at all, mainly working at his computer in his office (that he shares with all his underlings, so I have no privacy).

We hold weekly meetings and 1-on-1's (which in my view are redundant). One day he pointed out, "Please don't have this idea that all I do is stay in the office and work on the computer, let me know how I can help out." When I suggested that he can do experiments on his own, he gave me a litany of excuses. All of these excuses point to the fact that his bosses are forcing him to work well above his pay grade and because he's a hapless Yes Man working for a Chinese Dragon Lady, he has no "choice" but to comply.

(A bit of a tangent: I interviewed with a woman who used to be his colleague. She asked me "Does [your boss] still have trouble saying no?" I equivocated, but that question gave me third party evidence that my boss is a spineless, sackless sycophant).

During these 1-on-1's I try voicing my objections, which he shoots down. I also try agreeing with everything he wants me to do, which he derides as "passive acceptance." Lately, I've been taking notes (really, A-logging) on stupid shit he tells me so that it will be on some kind of record the things he says so he can't gaslight me.

The most recent thing that made me lose my shit is this--we were going to hire an experienced microbiologist to carry out this new project we were working on. They ended up canceling that position (but not the project) and now that project falls on my shoulders. While leading a project sounds cool, the problem is that during the 1.5 agonizing years I had been working at this shithole company I had completely lost the ability to work independently because of the nonstop micromanaging (as well as the belittling and talking-down that I get when I call out his shitty behavior). I expressed that I didn't feel competent or confident to take on this role but my boss said "you're good, you know what to do" blah blah blah.

I said, "OK, fine, but if I'm going to have these increased responsibilities, I'd like a promotion." To which he said, "No. Prove yourself then you may get promoted some day."

I seriously should have told him to go fuck himself at that point. That whole setup of me doing work beyond my qualifications sounded like a cost-cutting measure, similar to my boss doing a lot of admin work that should have been given to someone else (that they were too cheap to hire). That was a few weeks ago. If I left a little later, that means I let these assholes walk all over me all for the sake of a paycheck that's way below the market rate. I really SHOULD have walked out the FIRST time I was talked down to like an idiot newb (despite, you know, doing ALL THE FUCKING WORK for a year) but hey, lesson learned.

Why is this a sequel to the job interview from hell, you may ask? Because after three in-person interviews (YES, THREE) I am 90% sure that I have the job. Fortunately it is for a more highly qualified position than the one I interviewed for, because they must have realized that I have potential.

Meat Poultry Veg

The staff of life
And yet another sequel:

Did I say 90% sure? I was waaaaaaaaaaaaay too fucking optimistic. This is, after all, the same company that hired the smug asshole that told me that I'll be doing repetitive bullshit with no prospects of promotion.

But wait! They rejected me AFTER telling me they would make me an offer!

Catch me at the drunk/high thread. I'm likely going to get cross faded tonight.

Kiwi Lime Pie

The tasteful summer treat. 🥝🥧🐈
Did I say 90% sure? I was waaaaaaaaaaaaay too fucking optimistic.
But wait! They rejected me AFTER telling me they would make me an offer!
I truly feel for you :feels:. Sadly, this happens more times than not.

With the economy tanking years ago and no projects to replace those that wrapped up, my IT consulting employer let me go. Shortly thereafter, I had an interview with a guy that seemed very enthusiastic, liked my resume, and even liked the fact I could start immediately if hired. Further, it sounded like a good opportunity to learn new, useful skills. Post-interview, one of my ex-coworkers contacted me to say he was asked to give me a reference and that the guy was equally enthusiastic about me with him.

However, I never heard anything back from the guy. Calls and emails went unanswered. The job even appeared again on the same site I originally found it on. One final inquiry asking, "I see the job is still open. Am I still candidate for it?" went unanswered.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Meat Poultry Veg

The staff of life
I truly feel for you :feels:. Sadly, this happens more times than not.
Getting rejected has become old hat for me. Getting the red carpet and yanking the carpet before I enter the door is completely new, though.

I've long been debating with myself, my family and friends about the merits of quitting my current job. Today I am finally going to do it. I can drive Uber and Lyft between jobs or find some other gigs.

@Kiwi Lime Pie sucks to hear that. Did you ever find work eventually? I'm asking because I'm thinking of switching to IT because my career is hitting a dead end but if you're experienced and having trouble finding work, what chance do I have?

Kiwi Lime Pie

The tasteful summer treat. 🥝🥧🐈
@Kiwi Lime Pie sucks to hear that. Did you ever find work eventually? I'm asking because I'm thinking of switching to IT because my career is hitting a dead end but if you're experienced and having trouble finding work, what chance do I have?
@Meat Poultry Veg,

While I did return to the workforce, it wasn't in IT unfortunately. Over 80% of the companies I sent resumes to didn't even acknowledge receipt of them. So, I went to the local community college for a certificate in a new field. I've recently found another exam-based certification in my new field that I plan to pursue later this Spring so to have more long-term stability moving forward.

Rogue Boob

Bish, please.
I was the Director of Technology (product) for a reasonably large Computer Manufacturer. As such I oversaw Engineering, Technical Support, Warranty Repair and Customer Service. So I get grabbed by the President and told I and one of the lead Engineers were being sent on an emergency call for a big Government Agency in Memphis. They had a batch of 500 computers all giving them strange errors. Grudgingly I grabed my Engineer buddy, a nice chap of Vietnamese descent named Khan. We arrive at the Shelby County Courthouse and Attorney Generals Offices. Me a fresh Yankee Transplant from New Yawk, and my little yellow friend. Into the exact offices they filmed "The Firm" in. As the exec I get to schmooze the Managers while Khan starts tearing into computers. The first thing I get asked by the Assistant AG "Where's that thar Boy from?" refering to Khan. I look him dead in the face "New Orleans!" "No I mayn Whar was he Bawn!‽" "New Orleans, Louisianna sir. He just got back from Mardi Graw last week.". Finally after several rounds of racist who's on first I admitted than Khan's parents came over from Vietnam in the 50's. And this was just our introduction to the wild and wacky racism of Good Old Shelby County. We had a mystery on our hands. Well two mysteries. One, the Computers we were sent to deal with all worked fine. Passed every test we could throw at them. The second problem is we found twice as many computers as we were told about. It turned out there had been two orders. Exact same make and model. 500 pieces each, built concurrently on our assembly line. So the serial numbers interweaved between the two orders. They were however ordered from us and supplied to Shelby County by two different local vendors. One set of computers they had no problems with. The other set failed in ways they could never seem to demonstrate and passed all of our test. Finally after two days of this BS I discovered what was going on. The Local vendor for the "problem Computers" was a Black Minority Business owner. The Local vendor for the "perfect" batch was somebodies son in law. Yeah they were creating fake problems for the black guy in order to swing the entire contract to the family dude. I had documentation on all the computers faxed over, pulled the AG and head of IT into a private meeting, and proceeded to let my inner New Yorker off his leash. Calling them out on the blatant racist bullshit and that while they could do what they want, those computers were all built on the same day by the same people using the same parts. Ending with we will be leaving now. Let this matter die or it goes to the Feds. Thank you have a nice day. At which point Khan and I hauled ass out of town like the devil was on our tails.

In all my years down south now, that still stands out as the only time I ever encountered that old school open and overt southern racism. And it was coming from the people that ran the courts.

And here I thought they outlawed white people inside the Memphis city limits a decade ago.

Last real news I heard from there was the dust-up between the black construction company and the hispanic one and the city itself (also black owned) over who was minority enough to deserve the contract for remodelling the Pyramid.


it just goes on and on and on and on...
We had a webinar with one of the executives at my job. It was darkly humorous. Very dark. Like pitch.

There was a fuckton of dancing around saying “everything is great, nobody is getting a raise” without actually saying the words. This guy actually had the gall to say to us that gosh darnit, none of the 6-7 figure paid vice presidents are getting a raise either. :story: He literally had somebody loft a softball about sports to him after he danced around what the fuck is going on with our 401Ks and profit sharing.

And he kept saying ”global” like it was going out of style.

I needed a drink after that level of horseshit. As a cherry on the shit sundae, corporate finally sent out an email about the many payroll fuckups, the ones that took 2+ months to fix (the pay anyway, I still haven’t gotten my PTO back), saying they’re looking into how to fix their fuckups with tax deductions since they fucked up pay. So I have more enfuckening to look forward to!

Some Russians have very odd interactions with their co-workers. So, your TL;DR reminded me of this story:

When I was still an IT professional, my company hired "Olga" as one our programming consultants to work on one of our biggest client projects at the time. Olga started off decent enough. During her time with us, she was completing her CS degree at the same university where I had earned mine, and she later chose to pursue a real estate broker's license. Since she attended my alma mater, I asked her once or twice about how the CS program had changed since my graduation and which professors were still active in the department, etc. in an attempt to be a good co-worker.

Boss' day brought out more of her true personality, however. The consultants from our company decided to chip in $10 each to get our project manager a small gift of our appreciation. She apparently chose to be the one to collect the money. When the time came for her to collect it, she came up to me and said, "Give me 10 dollars" in a tone that sounded like she was an organized crime boss ready and willing to do great bodily harm to me if I didn't give her the money.
@Kiwi Lime Pie "Olga" reminds me of a lady at a short-term job I had. We were travelling to a job site several hours away on a rented bus and she woke me up, literally tapping my shoulder and saying something like "helllloooo", to the amusement of my co-workers, over a ONE EURO contribution everyone was making to give the bus driver a gift.

The job itself was okay, but that long ass bus ride and grown ass adults acting like kids going to school was hell. "Olga" was just the cherry on the shit sundae.
Russians are super weird about money. I sort of know a fellow lawyer who's from Russia, and I saw him get into a fist fight with another lawyer over like $120. That's one fucking traffic ticket.

Meat Poultry Veg

The staff of life
@Meat Poultry Veg,
Over 80% of the companies I sent resumes to didn't even acknowledge receipt of them.
I think a 20% hit rate is performing ahead of the curve.

I sent in my letter of resignation today. This is actually the second time in my career that I did so without a job lined up but this time around, I don't want to return to my current industry.

My father offered to pay for some of my expenses but I'm too old to be supported by him. I don't know what the future holds but I know that I won't let assholes hold me down.

Rogue Boob

Bish, please.
More mall-coppery, less general insanity but more cctv:

  • the coworker who proceeded to OC himself in the face...during training. And then twice more afterward.
  • my eventual habit of answering the dispatch phone with "I didn't do it" whenever the boss called.
  • said boss coming to hang out in dispatch and chat about mixed drinks and fly fishing.
  • second shift captain being the obligatory Ancient Computer Guy who knew fuck all about how computers work now that the 70s are over.
  • being the only female in the department.
  • being the only white person on the shift.
  • in an effort to save more trees, they finally gave us a computer based activity report to use, which had to be filled out by the dispatcher (aka me) after every call over the radio. Xmas Eve 2010, I chased down, cornered and beat morning shift captain with my santa hat for managing to crash the computer, my wrists and my patience with 25 separate calls in 25 consecutive seconds. He'd counted an entire family group as individuals just to show his ass.
After that, boss agreed with me I should go back to night shift for the sake of my carpal tunnels, my sanity, and the well being of the general population.
  • someone I went to high school with showing up and getting busted attempting to steal $30 of clearance panties from Anthropologie. That was the best perp walk ever and you better believe I sent a screencap to some friends.
  • speaking of Anthropologie, the minuscule Asian woman who attempted to snatch and run a literal fucking tree stump from there one black friday.
  • 150 cameras, and the punks from the Catholic school opting to hit the bong directly underneath one on the parking deck. Boss comes to get an eyeful of this and gets on the phone. Turns out he went to parochial school with the disciplinary principal over there. The fallout was glorious.
  • the things fat fuckers will do in cars to get some poon would make the laws of physics weep blood.
  • in fact there is literally nothing some people won't do if they know they're on camera. I have witnessed everything except murder and live birth with these eyes.
  • the woman in the skin tight latex pants and six inch stilettos copping a perfect drunken squat to piss in the parking lot... 20 feet from the 24-hour gas station.
  • insurance scammers tripping over thin air. Oh, my neck and my back.
  • assistant boss paying me off in hummus and chips to rewrite all the incident report narratives for him. That stopped after he got an eyeful of some steamy late night buttsex. Lol, oops.
  • the Mad Armenian at the salad bar deliberately hiring (probably illegal) foreign workers with very low language skills for the sole purpose of underpaying them. Ironically all this came to light when she gor caught trying to pull a credit card scam.
  • if you ever get the chance, scope out the service hallways behind your local food court. You'll never eat at a food court restaurant again.
  • grease traps being emptied in summer. Nuff said.
  • second shift captain deciding for a very short while he needed to give all the drunks leaving at night field sobriety tests. The off duty cops put a stop to that real quick.
  • the daily where's waldo of shoplifting calls. Basically just look for the six foot one black male with one arm full of bluejeans and the other holding up his pants, being chased by four angry Asian men and you'll have your suspect every time.
  • the kid who decided death was the best option when he got caught shoplifting at FYE and attempted to yeet himself over the second floor balcony.
  • numerous full moons in the parking lot because "stop fucking running or I'll tase you" is clearly a joke.
  • the Guy From Ghana wigging the fuck out every time he spotted gay dudes in the mall.
  • Bloomingdales entire LPO crew getting fired for chasing down a shoplifting literal sped and tackling him so hard he went down foaming.
  • the gentleman who'd been living out of his candy van and eventually got caught in our parking lot with expired everything. When the cops knocked on his window he was having a pretend tea party with an invisible little girl. Some time later and fully medicated he came back to complain the police had stolen his van.
  • the dude who hijacked a taxi, slowly drove it into the tire center at Macys, hopped out, tried to find another unlocked vehicle, wandered across the road, then returned to our lot and the loving arms of the local PD, where he proceeded to finally succumb to whatever he'd ODed on.
  • the formerly successful perp who'd been breaking into cars for weeks finally getting caught because he'd decided to booty call one of the girls at the salon (and the eight hours I spent going over cctv footage to discover this fact, for which I naturally got zero recognition).
  • local moms organizing a Twilight marathon for their daughters which was actually a sleepover for the local moms.
  • fucking Footlocker. Every fucking week.
  • Apple and their iFlavor of the month releases.
  • the large, very friendly, declawed cat someone decided to tape into a litterbox and abandon in a service hall in 100+ degree weather. Don't worry, he found a good home.

Moral of the story, don't do mall security unless you can be a dispatcher. That's where all the fun is.


Ordering pizza at the Weight Loss Clinic
Russians are super weird about money. I sort of know a fellow lawyer who's from Russia, and I saw him get into a fist fight with another lawyer over like $120. That's one fucking traffic ticket.
Your story brought back a memory of when I was a young teen living in Americas Hat, there was a guy who got shot outside my friends building over ten bucks. I assume it was over a hit of crack versus a dime bag (edit: of weed. Apparently in some places a "dime bag" can refer to something other than reefer) cause shooting someone over ten bucks? That and there were a couple Crack purchasing House based businesses within a block of my place...
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Vincent Dawn
True & Honest Fan
I'm not exactly working a glamorous job but it's keeping my head above water for the moment and all that. I've had to call off a lot over the last month because I was sick and had no transportation, double fuckery. No one really seems to know what's up at my job and my current manager is on his way out because he's fleeing the state (like everyone else). So, the last 3 times I called off I called the number for my manager that was on the list at the little water cooler and we were all told to call that number. Okay, I call that number, can't get him, it's impossible to get a hold of anyone early, and I leave a VM. I had to call off two more times over the weekend because of a really bad cold that I got from this fucking job. But two hours ago I got a call from the number I've been calling that's on the board I mentioned and I took pics of using my phone and was told I have the wrong number...

So I have no idea if they're so incompetent that they didn't talk to me when they had plenty of time to do so and ask where I was or my current manager just doesn't care anymore. I might not even have a job tomorrow. I have no idea. This is a first for me.

Will update later.
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NQ 952

Word from on high has come down.

We must now authenticate all machines - real and virtual - across all platforms via LDAP. If we need more than one machine we need more than one login with its own 2FA.

I... am a software developer with 6 VMs running at any given time.

god help me.

Word from on high has come down.

We must now authenticate all machines - real and virtual - across all platforms via LDAP. If we need more than one machine we need more than one login with its own 2FA.

I... am a software developer with 6 VMs running at any given time.

god help me.
At least this will give you guys "some" security, I know that it is a pain in the ass but if someone else fucks it up, you'll be fine from acusations
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Kiwi Lime Pie

The tasteful summer treat. 🥝🥧🐈
I recently asked a client about emailing certain reports and documents because of some recent issues with the mail delivery here. The client agreed.

Earlier this week, I emailed said client a PDF file of recent information. Today, I received a reply that boiled down to, "Thanks, but (business owner) will still want printed copies."

Me, thinking to myself: Unless you're on a mobile device, why can't you print them off? ?
Me, sending a more professionally-worded reply: Let me know if you can't print them off, and I'll send you copies.

I'm probably being too :optimistic: that the client will realize, "Wait, PDF files can be printed."
die null