The Horrors of the "Professional" World - Stories that will make you wonder how we exist.

SomeRandomJosh

kiwifarms.net
Word from on high has come down.

We must now authenticate all machines - real and virtual - across all platforms via LDAP. If we need more than one machine we need more than one login with its own 2FA.

I... am a software developer with 6 VMs running at any given time.

god help me.
At least this will give you guys "some" security, I know that it is a pain in the ass but if someone else fucks it up, you'll be fine from acusations
 
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Kiwi Lime Pie

The tasteful summer treat. 🥝🥧
kiwifarms.net
I recently asked a client about emailing certain reports and documents because of some recent issues with the mail delivery here. The client agreed.

Earlier this week, I emailed said client a PDF file of recent information. Today, I received a reply that boiled down to, "Thanks, but (business owner) will still want printed copies."

Me, thinking to myself: Unless you're on a mobile device, why can't you print them off? ?
Me, sending a more professionally-worded reply: Let me know if you can't print them off, and I'll send you copies.

I'm probably being too :optimistic: that the client will realize, "Wait, PDF files can be printed."
 

Freddy Freaker

Here's the party freak
kiwifarms.net
I work at a major electrical utility in cyber security (really were more compliance, vulnerability monitoring and testing that kinda stuff). One of my coworkers is in Skype text chat with a guy in the IT department. We call this guy "Corporal Cut and Paste". He's known for having fucked up important documents before by being too much of a literal 30 year old boomer to cut and paste the right text and/or do it properly. No actual impairments afaik.

Anyway, he and my coworker are going over the results of some vulnerability assessment and I'm working on getting employee training results uploaded to our database. My coworker starts laughing and me and another coworker turn around. She tells us he's mad and just started sperging out because he found olives on his pizza. He proceeds to rant about how olives are nasty, but olive oil is fine and lunch is RUINED FOREVER.

He then changes gears to how he was at his brother's wedding and his family trolled him by playing "I've Had the Time of My Life" from Dirty Dancing. This is where things get really exceptional. Not only is he still butthurt but he apparently has a raging hateboner for Dirty Dancing and Patrick Swayze. To the point he legit had a party when he died. Wtf?

He then straight up says he has "mommy issues" and we hear the horrifying tale of how when he was a little kid his cartoons got cut off by mom and granny for Dirty dancing! THE HORROR! "The orange shag carpeting....Patrick Swayzes stupid feathery mullet" This dude is already balding btw fucking lel. Also he calls Dirty Dancing "that war crime"

And after 15 minutes of undiluted autism, he's back to business like nothing happened and the three of us are dying
 

Yolandi

Resident Pokemon Go expert
kiwifarms.net
I work at a major electrical utility in cyber security (really were more compliance, vulnerability monitoring and testing that kinda stuff). One of my coworkers is in Skype text chat with a guy in the IT department. We call this guy "Corporal Cut and Paste". He's known for having fucked up important documents before by being too much of a literal 30 year old boomer to cut and paste the right text and/or do it properly. No actual impairments afaik.

Anyway, he and my coworker are going over the results of some vulnerability assessment and I'm working on getting employee training results uploaded to our database. My coworker starts laughing and me and another coworker turn around. She tells us he's mad and just started sperging out because he found olives on his pizza. He proceeds to rant about how olives are nasty, but olive oil is fine and lunch is RUINED FOREVER.

He then changes gears to how he was at his brother's wedding and his family trolled him by playing "I've Had the Time of My Life" from Dirty Dancing. This is where things get really exceptional. Not only is he still butthurt but he apparently has a raging hateboner for Dirty Dancing and Patrick Swayze. To the point he legit had a party when he died. Wtf?

He then straight up says he has "mommy issues" and we hear the horrifying tale of how when he was a little kid his cartoons got cut off by mom and granny for Dirty dancing! THE HORROR! "The orange shag carpeting....Patrick Swayzes stupid feathery mullet" This dude is already balding btw fucking lel. Also he calls Dirty Dancing "that war crime"

And after 15 minutes of undiluted autism, he's back to business like nothing happened and the three of us are dying
I don't like that movie either but I didn't make it my life's mission to make sure everyone knew it. The funny thing about this guy is he must annoy his family about it to the point where they want to humiliate him over it so you KNOW it's got to be bad. And I bet him saying he threw a party when Patrick Swayze died was just him trying to be an edgelord. I'd ask for photographic proof (that you can share with us.)
 

Freddy Freaker

Here's the party freak
kiwifarms.net
I don't like that movie either but I didn't make it my life's mission to make sure everyone knew it. The funny thing about this guy is he must annoy his family about it to the point where they want to humiliate him over it so you KNOW it's got to be bad. And I bet him saying he threw a party when Patrick Swayze died was just him trying to be an edgelord. I'd ask for photographic proof (that you can share with us.)
Unfortunately I didn't take any photos of the Skype chat yesterday. Facility I work at is also a transmission control facility with a huge substation and you have to badge in so I'm a bit leery taking photos anyway.
 

Yolandi

Resident Pokemon Go expert
kiwifarms.net
I worked in an office for about a year that was data entry on one side, all female, and specs on the other side, all male. Both areas had short wall cubicles and each department had 6 people, so 12 people in a smallish area. It was a crappy place to work so the most entertaining thing that could happen was banter between people that everyone could hear. The two people who sat across from me (and from which I heard everything, all day long,) were a (very butch but allegedly straight) middle-aged white woman and a middle-aged black woman. They were so different each had an equally witty, very funny sense of humor and joked on each other all day. The white woman complained all the time about how she didn't know the part of town where we all worked and didn't understand why there weren't nice places to eat lunch (it wasn't the worst part of town but it was pretty bad) and the black woman would joke about her being entitled and about how her family was rich and stuff. No one got offended, which was nice. The white woman also joked about how she wished she could have been a "Southern Belle" and the black woman said she wouldn't have liked that because "I'd be the one serving the tea!" Again, no one offended and everyone laughed.

Until...

One day, after many laughs and jokes had been told for months on end, this happened - the black woman kept complaining about her hands hurting (I honestly don't remember the actual reason but the job involved a lot of typing and filing so it may have been that.) In response, the white woman very loudly said, "It's from all that cotton you've been picking" and I swear it was like something out of a movie. Everyone on both sides of the department just stopped and it was completely quiet. You could have heard a pin drop. Everyone waited for the black woman to reply and after a moment she just went "You know what, (name?) You can kiss my *ss!" The air felt heavy and it was hard to breathe. They didn't talk the rest of the day but the next day they were back at it, joking with each other. Thankfully, no one ever told any cotton jokes again.
 

AnOminous

do you see what happens
True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff
kiwifarms.net
One day, after many laughs and jokes had been told for months on end, this happened - the black woman kept complaining about her hands hurting (I honestly don't remember the actual reason but the job involved a lot of typing and filing so it may have been that.) In response, the white woman very loudly said, "It's from all that cotton you've been picking" and I swear it was like something out of a movie. Everyone on both sides of the department just stopped and it was completely quiet. You could have heard a pin drop. Everyone waited for the black woman to reply and after a moment she just went "You know what, (name?) You can kiss my *ss!" The air felt heavy and it was hard to breathe. They didn't talk the rest of the day but the next day they were back at it, joking with each other. Thankfully, no one ever told any cotton jokes again.
And this is what normal people do when someone makes a shitty joke that went too far. They let them know and then go back to normal.
 

Damocles_Sword

Shovelmech Pilot
kiwifarms.net
Client of mine got sold on these shitty off-brand controllers. You know that scene from They Live where Roddy Piper is just trying to get the guy to put on the glasses? That's what programming these things feels like. Firstly because i have to use a VMWare image of a windows 2000 machine for the programming software. The software doesn't like windows 2000 because it's "too new" for it, so it's slow and boggy and loves to do things like not recognize letters as valid characters in descriptions. And there are 3 levels of programming/configuration. And the software itself is owned and managed by their competitor somehow. Client calls us up because one of theirs died. So we get the model #off the unit and order one from our vendor. We have the programs and configurations for all these controllers saved, so it only takes 4 hours once the replacement comes in to get it set up for the next day. I get there and pull the old controller out, the inupt and output wires were all landed to terminal blocks which could pop out, which I did, and I remove the current unit. This is when I made a realization which made my blood boil. The new unit has fixed terminal blocks with the landing points facing up instead of to the side. The wire management in this panel is so tight I can't land the wires on the new controller. The dumb motherfuckers made a hardware change to the unit without changing the model or revision number.
 

Rogue Boob

Menacing Mammary
kiwifarms.net
Contract Security 3: I Wanna Go Home

Part-Time Multi-Post Pains:
- at the Red Cross, you're a glorified secretary.
- your pipes bursting because the kerosene heater in your crack apartment living room failed, thereby causing black mold everywhere while your one disabled kid and other kid on a CPAP and also your terminally diabetic grandma slowly starve actually does not constitute an emergency. It's only an emergency if it happens to your entire apartment complex. I'm as sorry to tell you this now as I was when it happened last month.
- people who have court dates sure are some interesting characters. That's most of the reason I'd hold their phones for them (courthouse was across the street, I got these people on the daily because cell phones weren't allowed).
- conversations overheard at the organ donation facility in the middle of the night are fucking amazing.
- site super insisting on being called captain despite that our company doesn't use ranks.
- site super being hospitalized for a month due to probable lung cancer, and me becoming site super with zero training.
- freshmeat just deciding not to show up because it was his birthday and despite the schedule being posted and sent to him, assuming he had that day off.
- site super returning and me subsequently being called back to ARC out of the middle of training at a new post because she and her oxygen tanks went back to the ER one hour later.
- for all I know that post is still running off the docs I made up five years ago. Not even kidding.

SONS OF UNION: UAW RISING

- highest paying post in the area, 10.50/hour.
- no sick leave, no vacations, because that's up to the contractees and this particular Japanese guy is the tightest wad of them all.
- nothing actually gets fixed. Case in point, it has to cross into human rights violations territory for consideration (broken toilets, no air in summer or winter, doors rotting off the hinges and animal infestations).
- shit camera system, because the union doesn't want anyone to see their employees. Lucky for them nobody's demanded footage for liability purposes...yet.
- speaking of the union, they started a protest in 2018 over things like better snacks in the canteen and having to do their own laundry.
- safety manager deciding we needed to do the painting of the parking spaces during shutdown last year (cheapskates, remember) and the subsequent ass-handing he got from our corporate (our licenses would be yanked and we'd all be unemployed) and the security company he tried to court to intimidate us (they're already contracting the cheapest company out there, nobody who wanted more would give him the time of day).
- the former housekeeper who called one night to pretend to be an employee calling in, then called back to inform me he planned to come throw himself into one of the machines. During all this I found out he'd been fired two years prior. The police tried a wellness check but got voicemail.
- fire alarm pulls sure do look a lot like light switches when they're right next to each other, lol.
- safety manager has no actual idea what we do, what we should do, or the physical layout of the property.
- time for the annual corporate turnover and/or takeover! Enjoy this year's change in paperwork and policies :biggrin:
- Coworker A and his weird wasting disease.
- Coworker B trying to slack off, getting caught, and being eternally butthurt because Cap won't let him, plus eternal butthurt because he knows we all know he's responsible for the department wide regulations we now have to deal with (except not really). He also wants to convert everyone....except me since I basically informed him to fuck off with that shit.
- Coworker C cracking a hip, going out for that, then losing a leg due to complications, then dying.
- Coworker D going out for heart surgery and losing his mind.
- Coworker E now out for prostate surgery and having conplications...
- the moral of that story being don't work for these people if you could otherwise retire. They will kill you.
- Don't believe the EPA's lies, their standards are incredibly low. Everyone in this area dies of black lung eventually, it's why the company gives such good benefits. Employees don't live long enough to be comfortable. The rest of us are just SOL.
- I've had bosses threaten me with deer chili. This is the first one who brings fresh eggs from home.
- I am now second in command due to simple attrition. None of us have a single fuck left to give.

I'm trying to defect to Wommart as we speak.
 

Yolandi

Resident Pokemon Go expert
kiwifarms.net
When I worked at the call center there was a guy who also worked there whose nickname was "the unibomber." About 250 people worked there and the teams were frequently changed around so a few people I worked closely with had been on teams with him and they all had creepy stories. The funny part was that I made a close friend there who sat across from him and confirmed all of the random stories I heard were true, and then some.

He would sit at his desk with a hoodie on with the hood up, year round. He places his hands on his keyboard with his arms held straight. he kept folders around his desk for privacy reasons (so not only could no one see him but people also claimed they couldn't hear his voice, no matter how close they were to him.) He got good numbers but when the metrics change (which call centers do whenever they want to fire someone) his numbers started to slip. His supervisor was a total idiot who no one respected and when she called him into a meeting to talk about his performance problems all he said to her was "You don't know what the f*ck you're talking about." He was called into a meeting and people were sure he was going to come in and shoot up the place but he didn't.

He had a "look" about him that was very off-putting. When he would work on a different floor people would point and whisper like a bad movie. During the summer he would sit on the benches outside in direct sunlight with sunglasses on and not move for an hour. He never talked to anyone. I had to interact with him exactly twice and I didn't exactly like how he looked at me and he gave off a weird vibe but nothing that I could complain about. I was nice to him and he was civil back so I had no real problem with him.

He was away for a while and we found out through the attendance people that he was in the Army. One of the people standing close by when we were told this got a concerned look on his face and said, "OMG...the government just gave this guy a gun!"
 

MrTickles

Ducking Fegenerate
kiwifarms.net
So called litigation lawyer asks me for advice (in between high powered phone calls from his office) on how to maximize his back gains at the gym. I point him to a fairly safe military press up machine, advise on reps and starting weight. He proceeds to almost destroy his back, gets a bad spasm in his lower back, walks out of gym in pain and cursing me. Fuck you low IQ lawyer what the fuck where you doing. I'm not your trainer get fucked you weak little bitch. Professional my arse.
 
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Dysnomia

Povertish
kiwifarms.net
My uncle delivers medical supplies. Oxygen tanks and tubing, wheelchairs, CPAP machines, bariatric beds, hospital beds, adult diapers, breast pumps ect... He has to deal with a lot of fat fucks on oxygen and senile elderly who really should be in nursing homes. There's a lot of cases or trashy people who set grandma up in a bedroom in a hospital bed on oxygen so they can keep collecting her check when she would be better off in a facility.

He had to deliver oxygen to such a house and when he came in there was porn on the TV while a toddler ran around in a diaper. Everyone was smoking weed and not watching the kid. Meanwhile grandma is bedridden on the third floor waiting for her oxygen.

Obeasts and senile oldsters have answered the door naked or in nothing but a dirty diaper.

When he is on call he has a beeper and has to go make a delivery even if it is late at night. Once he had to go out to Camden really late and when he parked the truck some dindus thought he might have drugs in there so they attempted to accost him. He sprayed them with liquid oxygen. Which is so cold it burns and is extremely dangerous. They ran like hell. :lol:

Stupid people are always smoking right by their oxygen tanks too.

Some fatso kept calling because he left his oxygen running and forgot to turn it off. So a whole tank was used the day he got it. My uncle said that if he lost 100 lbs he would't need to be on it.

He said the young guys they hired don't want to do any heavy lifting. The job requires lugging a lot of tanks and beds up and down stairs and in and out of trucks. Instead they play on their phones and expect the older employees to lift that stuff themselves. He said it's hard to find any young guys who actually want to do the work. They just like having the truck and messing around all day.
 

Yolandi

Resident Pokemon Go expert
kiwifarms.net
I used to work in a small professional office that was next door to a bar. Well, it was more of a lunch place by day and bar atmosphere by night but you see where this is going. The lady in the cube next to me decided to ask all 12 of our coworkers to go to "Thirsty Thursday" at the bar after work which had 2-for-1 margaritas. I heard her planning this more than any work I'd ever known her to do. She said even though I don't drink that I was still invited but I politely declined. So everyone come into work Friday morning, everyone except for me and one other person in attendance. Everyone says it was a fun time. The only person not there was the girl who planned it. She came in two hours late, extremely hung over. She came in two hours late, brought breakfast from McDonalds with her, threw up twice in 45 minutes then went home. She looked very unprofessional and there was never a repeat of Thirsty Thursday.
 

Tahoma

wilbur biscuit walker basket
kiwifarms.net
I used to work in a small professional office that was next door to a bar. Well, it was more of a lunch place by day and bar atmosphere by night but you see where this is going. The lady in the cube next to me decided to ask all 12 of our coworkers to go to "Thirsty Thursday" at the bar after work which had 2-for-1 margaritas. I heard her planning this more than any work I'd ever known her to do. She said even though I don't drink that I was still invited but I politely declined. So everyone come into work Friday morning, everyone except for me and one other person in attendance. Everyone says it was a fun time. The only person not there was the girl who planned it. She came in two hours late, extremely hung over. She came in two hours late, brought breakfast from McDonalds with her, threw up twice in 45 minutes then went home. She looked very unprofessional and there was never a repeat of Thirsty Thursday.
why didn't you go you antisocial autisme
 
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Yolandi

Resident Pokemon Go expert
kiwifarms.net
why didn't you go you antisocial autisme
Solid question. In addition to not drinking (and being sober in a crowd of drunk people really sucks) I also didn't like most of my coworkers and wanted as much time away from them as possible.

Edit - (additional comment) All of my coworkers except one were menopausal women who talked non-stop about Twilight.
 
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Kiwi Lime Pie

The tasteful summer treat. 🥝🥧
kiwifarms.net
I used to work in a small professional office that was next door to a bar. Well, it was more of a lunch place by day and bar atmosphere by night but you see where this is going. The lady in the cube next to me decided to ask all 12 of our coworkers to go to "Thirsty Thursday" at the bar after work which had 2-for-1 margaritas.
In my days as an IT consultant, I worked three months for an insurance company that later went belly up. I forget what restaurant it was (it's since closed and reopened as something else), but our team of employees and contractors would walk across the parking lot to the restaurant next door on most Fridays because the place had a Friday deal on Long Island Iced Teas with most of the group drinking two of them before we'd walk back to the office.

While nobody seemed to get sloshed, I did wonder just how much it affected productivity which was usually lower than usual on the last day of the work week without the booze.
 

queerape

WE WAS DANKEY KANGZ N SHIET
kiwifarms.net
My boss is very do it right or not at all, and they make you feel like you can't do anything right, so you give up trying at all. I was looking for another job, working on my resume, got some interviews lined up, but nothing locked down for sure. I figured I'd wait until I had something for sure, but I put in my two weeks notice today because I cannot deal with this company anymore. I have enough savings to wait it out a bit, and I kind of want to take a bit of a break after such a terrible experience.
 

XYZpdq

fbi most wanted sskealeaton
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
So long-gestating project is starting to move, and I've been told to pull the trigger on it using the third and fourth ones we had done rough mockups of.
It's been three months since I've even looked at this shit.
As far as I can tell there's only three mockups we did. There is no fourth one. And the third one never got beyond the equivalent of a doodle on a sheet of paper.
 

Ped Xing

!Bigfoot! sightings please call 908-314-7784
kiwifarms.net
I'd like to shout into the void about this guy from one of my previous jobs as a tanker truck driver.

The day we met and he walked up to me and said "My wife got an abortion. Should I divorce her?" And wouldn't take "that's absolutely none of my business" for an answer

The time he asked the mechanic on duty to connect his air hoses and pigtails. Air lines and power plugs on tractor trailers are universal, color coded, and only work one way. I am confident that anyone reading this who's never even seen a semi up close could connect them with no further instructions than "make sure they're all connected."

The way he brought a Dixie cup with two cookies in it and yesterday's local newspaper every day "for the group" because his autistic ass thought that would get him friends

The way he seemingly always had a sandwich, and was always eating even in areas where that was prohibited

That time he drove for an hour before noticing his vacuum hoses, which are about twelve feet long and six inches wide, were dangling loose from his trailer. I called him out on it and he tried to square up.

That time he caused a several hundred gallon oil spill and just drove away, hoping no one would notice the enormous puddle of crude

The two brand new trailers he bent all to hell by hitting the safety things around a meter, because he was so lazy he would try to drive the truck up to the meter rather than get out

The way he constantly tried to flirt with all the female employees despite them telling him off in no uncertain terms

The fact he was a Captain in the Army reserves, something he constantly bragged about despite being obviously incompetent and clearly having no inkling that most of the guys there were veterans

His fucking face.

EDIT: No, most of all, the fact he was still employed despite all the other drivers approaching management as a group to ask that he be at least restrained from operating a truck, since his erratic driving was so bad no one would even ride with him.
 
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