The Magniloquence of Christian Weston Chandler

[Aristocrat]

Well well well.

Man. The recent facebook leak dump (or facebook dump leak, whatev) paints a picture of Mayor Chandler’s life and attitudes that, while aggravating and disgusting in places, is ultimately a rather grim example of where is life is and, even worse, how bleak his future looks.

And yet, the big dope continues to whine about not having a boyfriend-free girlfriend, no baby daughter Crystal to starve raise, not winning the Powerball yet again (curse that damn Snyder!), etc. etc etc. Never once admitting that maybe just maybe, he's the one mostly responsible for the mess he's in.

My life is a bit of a shit sandwich too, but at least I have the brains to know there are some things you just can't do jack squat about, and try to learn to live with it rather than whining to the Internets and expecting total strangers to rally to your flag and do stuff for you. He'd better learn to do stuff for himself and fast because Barb won't be able to much longer, even if she remains alive a few more years.

He whines when no one gives him enough asspats, and at the same time, tells everyone to stay away. Illogical.

 

[Springblossom]

YOU HAVE DRIVEN ME SO BEYOND THE WALL I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE IT
YOU HAPPY NAPPA, BUT I BREAK YOU DEAD!

Can you imagine, out of the blue, getting that in your voicemail one day?

I just love his death threats in general.

DIIIIIIIEEEEEE YOOOOOUUUU!

 

[Himawari]

I am very much the Master Mind in the family. My father is damned retarded.

Heh, when did he say this?

That was , I'm not sure if he actually believes that to be the case for the Chandler family or if he was just making up shit for his trollsona.

 

[Bgheff]

Hmm yeah, so.. so many to choose from.

Those of you mock me otherwise, with such frivolous, lucrid adultery… if I ever hear another—any more new stuff, it will weigh on your conscience, with me tearing at your souls… emotionally!- CWC's Second Message

 

[Big Bob Pataki]

Reading Cwcspeak is like reading a giant barrel of poetry that's been mixed up and then reassembled with magnets on a refridgerator by people who are still learning english.

Shakespere+autism=Cwcism.

and then there's that video where he tries to speak shakesperian for http://sonichu.com/cwcki/Ode_to_Julie

I look at and see your picture…as you have sent to me. And I look into your eyes…and I am deeply in awe, as your eyes are like chocolate-covered strawberries. They're brown on the outside, but the sweet, wonderful woman…that cares about me very much…and will love me no matter what—that is the strawberry within. That is your soul.

And, uh, we yet have a similar storyline to, uh, Romeo and Juliet. Only one syllable misting—missing. It'd be like—if we’d add a syllable, it'd be like, "Christian-o and Juliet".

But every night, you can cr—e-e-every night you may cry, "Christian-o! Christian-o! Wherefore art thou, Christian-o?" And I would be there… int—in your heart – for I have—for my heart is with you. For if I called you up—for I would be there in your heart. And I would personally be calling out, "I am here, O fair Juliet. 'Tis no—'tis nobler thy name be heard every mom—every waking moment."

"And Ju—the sun is in the east, and Juliet is the sun." Though I know not much Shakespeare, but at least I know enough… to getteth by!

and it just goes on from there

 

[Hyperion]

Heh, when did he say this?

That was , I'm not sure if he actually believes that to be the case for the Chandler family or if he was just making up shit for his trollsona.

This. It was in the talk page for "Coffee Place"

 

[Big Bob Pataki]

Heh, when did he say this?

That was , I'm not sure if he actually believes that to be the case for the Chandler family or if he was just making up shit for his trollsona.

This. It was in the talk page for "Coffee Place"

i found it dumb that he called it "coffee place" when he could've just said it was burger king. what was even going through his mind, anyway?

 

[applecat]

what was even going through his mind, anyway?

We can ask that question about pretty much everything Chris has done, ever, and we will never get an answer.

 

[Cwckifan]

"I'll see you Sunday..., and I guess that's ALL I'll get to do with you...seeing you...from a long distance; as long as the most perilous journey, as long as a dream where I'm constantly running towards you; you'd look like you're near, yet you are soo far away from completing me... I Love You, Megan Schroeder. "

And then he goes on to bash the poor, Nazi-worshipping girl.

Hm.

Is it weird that find that post to be kind of romantic? :?

 

[NobleGreyHorse]

If you delete the Clause of Ginormous Passive-Aggression and edit so it's

"I'll see you Sunday... seeing you from a long distance, as long as the most perilous journey" [etc.]

it becomes a lot more romantic suddenly. Like she's supposed to read that as is and think, "Poor Chris, surely he's suffering so much he deserves a fondle"?

 

[Cwckifan]

If you delete the Clause of Ginormous Passive-Aggression and edit so it's

"I'll see you Sunday... seeing you from a long distance, as long as the most perilous journey" [etc.]

it becomes a lot more romantic suddenly. Like she's supposed to read that as is and think, "Poor Chris, surely he's suffering so much he deserves a fondle"?

I see what you mean. I initially saw it as a (somewhat sappy, but genuine) expression of sadness on his part, which would be kind of sweet if not for the subtle tone of blame he slips in it...

 

[NobleGreyHorse]

Oh, it's genuine -- for good and ill! And it probably is as close as he gets to really romantic (before Ivy entered the picture, anyway, and he offered to walk her hermit crabs around the UVA campus). It's just Chris blames others reflexively. Probably literally in his sleep. I could see him rolling over without ever properly awakening and going, "Mmyeah, dang dirty Mimms." *snore*

 

[Cwckifan]

I agree. Although, I can't think of a single way 'romantic' would even be within the same star system of 'The Ivy Saga'

 

[NobleGreyHorse]

But he included her dear little pets in the Wedding Comic! He was willing to put up with her alleged queefing habit! He um... he... "caramel on the side" (per the Ivy Q&A)... yeah, no, you're right.

 

[He Sets Me On Fire]

But he included her dear little pets in the Wedding Comic! He was willing to put up with her alleged queefing habit! He um... he... "caramel on the side" (per the Ivy Q&A)... yeah, no, you're right.

Jack liberating a repressed Rose in the "I'm flying, Jack!" scene in Titanic.
Rick and Ilsa's tender farewell at the end of Casablanca.
Christian Weston Chandler's use of five Glade Plug-Ins for fear of soiling his naked self upon losing his virginity with Ivy.

These are the very definitions of romance.

 

[Prowldent]

"She felt angry when she heard "Lesbian"; when called that, she would leave the bully an intimidating glare with a purple glow from her green eyes. Then soon after, a Strong, Straight Homophobe would attack that bully with No Mercy; beat the crap out of that person."

-The High School Story

"Reading from Left-To-Right in MOST Countries, as well as myself, I see the ads in the left first-off and Most Better anyway. Seeing the BIG Ad in the One Spot is as terrifying as the Flash Of Light at the Instant Millisecond of DEATH, or even, technologically, the Blue Screen Of Death. And Believe Me, IN DREAMS, and even IN MOMENTS within my mind while AWAKE, I HAVE SEEN AND FELT That Death Light. Not only is it the Most Horrifying Thing Ever, but I am LOOOONG NOT READY FOR IT YET."

-ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence

Two of my favorites have already been posted ("I do wear glasses" and the one from the Coffee Place article) but these are my other favorites, particularly the latter for being such a bizarre non-sequitur with larger implications. Chris gets flashes of this "Death Light" even when he's wide awake?

 

[applecat]

"She felt angry when she heard "Lesbian"; when called that, she would leave the bully an intimidating glare with a purple glow from her green eyes. Then soon after, a Strong, Straight Homophobe would attack that bully with No Mercy; beat the crap out of that person."

I like how Chris tries to portray violent homophobes who beat people up for no reason as heroes of justice.

 

[Marvin]

"She felt angry when she heard "Lesbian"; when called that, she would leave the bully an intimidating glare with a purple glow from her green eyes. Then soon after, a Strong, Straight Homophobe would attack that bully with No Mercy; beat the crap out of that person."

I like how Chris tries to portray violent homophobes who beat people up for no reason as heroes of justice.

Haha, I also like the "purple glow from her green eyes."

 

[Lil]

"...'Tis no—'tis nobler thy name be heard every mom—every waking moment."

Before he stuttered, swear to God he was going to say mom and end it there. Can you imagine Barb hearing Chris calling out in the middle of the night?

JUUULIETAAAYYY

 

[Zap Rowsdower]

All good suggestions. Do slip-ups count?

Because, "My mommy and I--my, my family and I..." will always be one of my favorite moments of Chris-speak.