The Maradonia Saga: A read through by an utter autist - Because if I read it, you people don't need to

Lorento

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Maradonia is horrendously written by any standard. The characters suck, the prose is terrible, the plot is so paint-by-numbers it's almost parody, and no one actually cares about it at all except us and Ms. Tesch. It fails at what it tries to do. Fifty Shades of Grey does not.

He's completely right. To actually go through this thing chapter by chapter is something reviewers do for actual books. So few people care about Maradonia that some autistic BritBong is writing about it on a lame cyberbully site. That's a sign of dreadfully lame fiction so dreadfully lame that nobody could possibly care.
 

Techpriest

Praise the Machine Spirits
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The worst sin fiction can commit is being both nonsensical and boring - something Maridonia certainly is in both respects.
 

Lorento

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So, we continue. We are about to enter the world of Maradonia, a land where word order doesn't matter and English is more mangled than the corpse of a man who falls under a steamroller.

ef1ab9a28fac60e9fefc2eca7c8372a9.png


Good drawing.

So, our heroes are gathering supplies for their little adventure.

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FINALLY, a use of the italics that is correct. And then they immediately fuck it up by having no space between 'big' and 'will.' Tesch manages to fuck up even when she does right.

Then we get a weird line.

0d588ebc6b2356357251cd1d979d3406.png


That sounds a little bit incesty for my liking. Don't worry though, this isn't the only poor choice of words and italics. Yeah, the italics really emphasise how weird this line is.

So they bid goodbye to their mother, who has very little concern for their safety and head to the beach, the journey is glossed over in about two lines. Good, I don't want to read long description. Maya spots the doves again, before they find their way to the cave entrance. These doves will prove to be a plot point. A very idiotic plot point.

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Not the EVIL EMPIRE! Yeah, Morality here is so black and white that the contrast hurts my eyes.

So our heroes enter the cave and the chapter ends with this stone cold chiller.

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Spooky.

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That's what I call a statue.

Our intrepid heroes continue into the cave, where they immediately start talking about sedimentary rocks.

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Because in a children's adventure book, people care about the formation of caves. Good god she can't describe movement of characters but she takes time to describe ROCKS!?

Then out heroes discover a statue, which plays no part in this book other than this scene.

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Joey, the rambunctious little scallywag he is, decides to steal the statue. This causes a minor earthquake, terrifying both the children and the evil Hoodmen. The Hoodmen react to this in a strange language.

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Don't ask me what this means, it isn't translated in the book. Because of course it isn't.

The earthquake causes a hole to appear in a wall, and Maya makes Joey put the thing back. When he does, the shaking stops. Because that's how it works. If Indiana Jones had put that treasure back at the start of Raiders, that boulder totally would have stopped coming.

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Thanks, Gloria.

The chapter ends with Maya seeing the Hoodmen, and screaming for Joey in the most awkwardly worded panic ever.

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Next time we will actually get into the Land of Maradonia itself. These two chapters are nothing to write home about, and they are rather dull honestly. Business will pick up next time though.
 

Lorento

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So we finally enter the Land of Maradonia. This book has peaks and troughs in terms of how amazing it is, and this part right here is a peak, a high one at that.

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This is some abstract art.

Maya and Joey emerge from the cave into a new world. Well, they don't know it yet, but they are currently in Maradonia. Naturally they can't go more than five feet without saying something utterly retarded.

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I had to do a double take here to figure out who was saying what. Not good.

The little voice who tells them not to step on him then utters the first WORDS OF WISDOM! A Gloria Tesch Words of Wisdom segment typically features two things. 1) It will be in bold or italics. 2) It isn't very wise. In this case, it doesn't even work grammatically.

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What the fuck.

So Maya, naturally, panics and asks what on earth is going on. Joey points out the source of these Words of Wisdom.

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I believe this scene made it into the movie where Maya falls on her face after the Grasshopper says these words of wisdom. Only in the movie it looked more like Tesch fell over by mistake and nobody bothered to edit it out.

Maya looks up and the grasshopper is sitting on her knows. She screams and the grasshopper repeats his spiel.

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THEY REPEATED THE GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT SAYING! WHAT?

Then...this happens.

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This is an invention of the edited version of the book. In the unedited version the grasshopper remains a grasshopper. In the movie, they don't even show the grasshopper, we just get the dwarf.

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What a guy.

The chapter ends with Maya spouting another classic line.

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Beautiful.

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In another moment of startling incompetence, the Tesch's call this chapter 'The Grasshopper' after he Grasshopper has already transformed into a dwarf, and trust me, the dwarf isn't going to turn back. My word.

So the Dwarf goes on about some bullshit about magic and spirits, and Maya finds this fascinating.

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Yes, she trusts a grasshopper she's just met over her qualified science teacher. Did I mention that Gloria Tesch is overtly religious and homeschooled? Yeah, it sure shows here.

Maya turns and sees some women in the distance, watching them. These women have no role in the rest of the book, much like in the movie. She screams about them, and our heroes and the dwarf run away to a different place, not that you can tell due to there being no description whatsoever.

Maya continues to go on about how spooky these women are, but the dwarf interjects and randomly changes the subject.

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I like that the grasshopper turning into a dwarf, the stalker women and being transported to another world are fine, but a Lagoon is getting out of hand. This is like Bilbo Baggins getting to Laketown after everything that happened in the Hobbit, then just going, 'A friendly town? Fuck that shit, I'm off home.'

The Dwarf introduces himself as Hoppy, which would be a cute name for a Grasshopper, but not for a dwarf. He also piques Maya's interest with the Lagoon being full of Mermaids. Of course, Gloria Tesch has a line of Mermaid Merch on her site. Clearly she loves mermaids a little too much.

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Wait, it never gets dark? How does this make sense? It seems to me that she wrote this little get out clause so she didn't have to think about icky things like food, water, and sleep. Because of course she did.

Our heroes go to leave, the Dwarf staying behind to remain with his family (Who we never see again) and he leaves our heroes with this,

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What a wise quote.
 
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M

MW 002

Guest
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Do you have a physical copy of the book?

If so is there a way to convert it into a PDF so you can distribute it to curious Kiwis?
 

Lorento

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And thus our heroes begin their adventure through the Land of Maradonia. The retardation has only begun, my friends....okay, friend. All of you are like....distant acquaintances really.

1f93cab72aa82f97cabc602e0bef2590.png


I wonder what animal this Spy could be? I hate chapter titles that reveal the content of the chapter. Fuck off with that shit.

So our heroes continue to walk along until they spot a shining thing in the grass. They go a little closer and realise what this thing really is, a snake with a jewel covered head. Naturally, our heroes are shocked, especially when the snake begins to talk.

d0a17f3620d13b41379c4ae6f1afb994.png


"It shone in the dim light." Glorious. The snake then goes on to tell the heroes more information. The next part is unedited and is exactly how it appears on my E-Reader, no matter if its on the PC or the Kindle.

b2afa83c11276ee62724de167f29baf0.png


What is this font change? Also, spoiler alert, the snake elongates every single S, because snakes. In a happy coincidence, as @Vitriol will attest, Arabella is played by Marina, Gloria's mother. Here she is in her full getup.

fb3fa0b2d5b70135e37e002cee32e07f.png


Beautiful.

Anyway, the snake is a spy sent by King Apollyon and begins to tempt this boy and girl in a forest....WAIT A MINUTE. I feel as though I've heard a story about a serpent and a boy and girl before. Ah, no matter, I'm sure this scene's Genesis was in Gloria's head.

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Normally, one would expect our heroes to reject this horseshit and laugh in the face of this transparent ploy. Unfortunately, our heroes are not exactly....smart.

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Joey cements himself as an utter cunt by falling for this bullshit again. He's like Eustace combined with Edmund from the Chronicles of Narnia, minus any nuances. He's just a dick. This makes Maya look weak as fuck, because she just gives up and follows Joey on this matter. So now both of our heroes look stupid.

So our heroes follow Arabella, until suddenly...

a252ad867f452272c33b39729a94ec10.png


As opposed to a non-flying eagle in the sky?

Arabella is concerned because the eagle appearing usually means that there's something going on. Sure enough, the doves appear again and start talking to Maya and Joey. This segues into the next chapter. Why they felt the need to do this rather than just continue with this chapter just baffles me.

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That dove does not look healthy. Nor does Maya's face.

So a dove lands on Maya's hand and begins to talk to her. As they couldn't do this in the movie, they added a shit transition and a lady on a greenscreen effect.

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Nice.

The dove introduces herself as Libertine and outlines her goal.

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You may be wondering why Maya repeats exactly what the dove just said. Well don't worry, because a mere two lines later!

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I hate it when authors do this. And Tesch does this all too often from here on out.

So Libertine explains, in excruciating detail, about how EVIL Arabella is.

a9dbba6808c91e1af01252488f49d8af.png


This highlighted line is ripped directly from Lord of the Rings, where Gandalf talks about people corrupted by Sauron in Fellowship of the Ring. Damn it Tesch!

Then Libertine and the doves fly off, leaving our helpless heroes with a snake which has just been outed as a villain. What a stupid and idiotic bird.

So Arabella, instead of instantly killing Maya and Joey, says this line.

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The 'Aphorism of trouble' line strikes me as being ripped from somewhere. Because it sounds epic and therefore could not possibly have been written by Gloria Tesch. Either way, the name of the book has been said and now we get onto what these Bridges are. They are, in essence, tests which will surely destroy our heroes! (Spoiler, they won't.)

Joey, being Joey, isn't down with this.

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Hateful.

They decide to leave Arabella and head to the Lagoon. Unfortunately, Joey manages to infuriate me some more.

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I hate this guy. How the fuck was that actor in the movie able to make Joey the best guy in the film? HOW?

And thus the chapter ends, with our heroes continuing to walk. God above will this ever end?
 
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M

MW 002

Guest
kiwifarms.net
And thus our heroes begin their adventure through the Land of Maradonia. The exceptionalism has only begun, my friends....okay, friend. All of you are like....distant acquaintances really.

1f93cab72aa82f97cabc602e0bef2590.png


I wonder what animal this Spy could be? I hate chapter titles that reveal the content of the chapter. Fuck off with that shit.

So our heroes continue to walk along until they spot a shining thing in the grass. They go a little closer and realise what this thing really is, a snake with a jewel covered head. Naturally, our heroes are shocked, especially when the snake begins to talk.

d0a17f3620d13b41379c4ae6f1afb994.png


"It shone in the dim light." Glorious. The snake then goes on to tell the heroes more information. The next part is unedited and is exactly how it appears on my E-Reader, no matter if its on the PC or the Kindle.

b2afa83c11276ee62724de167f29baf0.png


What is this font change? Also, spoiler alert, the snake elongates every single S, because snakes. In a happy coincidence, as @Vitriol will attest, Arabella is played by Marina, Gloria's mother. Here she is in her full getup.

fb3fa0b2d5b70135e37e002cee32e07f.png


Beautiful.

Anyway, the snake is a spy sent by King Apollyon and begins to tempt this boy and girl in a forest....WAIT A MINUTE. I feel as though I've heard a story about a serpent and a boy and girl before. Ah, no matter, I'm sure this scene's Genesis was in Gloria's head.

87b6ed8094131ed2af4b575b553dffdc.png


Normally, one would expect our heroes to reject this horseshit and laugh in the face of this transparent ploy. Unfortunately, our heroes are not exactly....smart.

bde1c5be4de465fbf55b1c6aaa5615b3.png


Joey cements himself as an utter cunt by falling for this bullshit again. He's like Eustace combined with Edmund from the Chronicles of Narnia, minus any nuances. He's just a dick. This makes Maya look weak as fuck, because she just gives up and follows Joey on this matter. So now both of our heroes look stupid.

So our heroes follow Arabella, until suddenly...

a252ad867f452272c33b39729a94ec10.png


As opposed to a non-flying eagle in the sky?

Arabella is concerned because the eagle appearing usually means that there's something going on. Sure enough, the doves appear again and start talking to Maya and Joey. This segues into the next chapter. Why they felt the need to do this rather than just continue with this chapter just baffles me.

d20b80626be2921f1e060b863f7fc96e.png


That dove does not look healthy. Nor does Maya's face.

So a dove lands on Maya's hand and begins to talk to her. As they couldn't do this in the movie, they added a shit transition and a lady on a greenscreen effect.

1d786564dcf64fd7875d0dd7f81929ef.png


Nice.

The dove introduces herself as Libertine and outlines her goal.

c5a47477da24a14909ec1c183636ced4.png


You may be wondering why Maya repeats exactly what the dove just said. Well don't worry, because a mere two lines later!

844bc3dd295ef1d1f19886e058911893.png


I hate it when authors do this. And Tesch does this all too often from here on out.

So Libertine explains, in excruciating detail, about how EVIL Arabella is.

a9dbba6808c91e1af01252488f49d8af.png


This highlighted line is ripped directly from Lord of the Rings, where Gandalf talks about people corrupted by Sauron in Fellowship of the Ring. Damn it Tesch!

Then Libertine and the doves fly off, leaving our helpless heroes with a snake which has just been outed as a villain. What a stupid and idiotic bird.

So Arabella, instead of instantly killing Maya and Joey, says this line.

2fee13a14199c6c517c138faccf26445.png


The 'Aphorism of trouble' line strikes me as being ripped from somewhere. Because it sounds epic and therefore could not possibly have been written by Gloria Tesch. Either way, the name of the book has been said and now we get onto what these Bridges are. They are, in essence, tests which will surely destroy our heroes! (Spoiler, they won't.)

Joey, being Joey, isn't down with this.

3274245cc66c5efda123571d5e0bb491.png


Hateful.

They decide to leave Arabella and head to the Lagoon. Unfortunately, Joey manages to infuriate me some more.

69f6b9a8c8628a79705dcbc727cb29f2.png


I hate this guy. How the fuck was that actor in the movie able to make Joey the best guy in the film? HOW?

And thus the chapter ends, with our heroes continuing to walk. God above will this ever end?
Omg what next?!
 

Lorento

Nick Clegg's biggest fan
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So we continue. Be warned, the chapter balance here is a little off kilter. This is not my fault. This is all Gloria Tesch's fault.

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I'm going to review this entire chapter in one go.

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That's the entire chapter. Sixteen whole lines.

What.

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A prophecy. No hideous fantasy book could be complete without it.

So our heroes have entered a swamp. It's pretty grim, and there all sorts of nasty creatures there.

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This is Oraculus, our resident seer. He appears in the movie like this.

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Please note that in the film he is not a toad. Maybe they couldn't get one.

But then, something weird happens.

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This is only in the edited version, in the unedited version he remained a toad. Why did she make him an elf? Because all fantasy series have elves. Gotta love that he dresses as a ranger, as if any of us have a clue what a ranger dresses like. Presumably she means rangers from Lord of the Rings, but that would be copyright infringement.

So the Elf decides to speak of a prophecy.

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Two repeats for the price of one. God damn it, it never ends. Also, The Encouragers. It sounds like the Avengers cheerleading squad. It sounds retarded either way and not at all intimidating. Fortunately, the villains will prove to be even more laughable than the encouragers.

So Maya is taken aback and is rather upset and confused. Naturally the elf decides to explain things.

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So this is basically Narnia. You go to Maradonia, you can come out again and nothing has happened in the real world. Also, gotta love the sun never going down. Must be a nightmare to sleep.

After some more jawjacking, we get this.

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So many Italics. So many. The exposition here explaining how time works here is almost unbearable.

The eagle from earlier appears again and Oraculus exposits more about who she is.

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Sagitta is Latin for Arrow. Don't worry, this won't be the last Light Carrier that will have some sort of Graeco-Roman twist. So these four light carriers are effectively Archangels from the bible. Only they come in weird and wacky forms.

Oraculus goes on about faith and Joey says that he doesnt really have faith, as its for old people. The response?

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W O R D S O F W I S D O M

Maya asks about his 'wise' words and he continues

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A Mediator? She might mean meditater here, though it COULD mean that he talks to the Light King. As a seer, that might work. Meanwhile, King Astrodoulos is the stupidest name for a king I've ever heard. Trust me, it doesn't get much better from here.

The heroes spot Arabella spying on them from afar. This is shown in the film, through Marina Tesch's quality acting.

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Oraculus explains further.

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Ah, good ol' black and white morality. Nothing quite like it.

Oraculus then talks about the Seven Bridges, explaining they are tests designed to...well, test the heroes resolve. Joey, naturally, takes exception to this.

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So they've already passed one of the Bridges? Spoiler alert, these tests don't get any less easy.

Finally, he reveals the point of the tests.

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I like how Oraculus didn't even answer the question, as stupid as the question was. Get used to this as well.

The children do not like being told that they are being hunted by evil monsters and start weeping. Great heroes.

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This Apollyon Dude. Way to kill the intimidation factor dead. Although this implies that Apollyon is actually threatening to begin with. So our chapter ends with everything being quiet in anticipation for something supernatural.

This chapter was long and very exposition heavy. WHY DID THIS COME AFTER A SIXTEEN LINE CHAPTER?
 

Replicant Sasquatch

Do Lolcows Dream of Electric Hedgehog Pokemon?
kiwifarms.net
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That "Encourager" trash is one of the most awkward Protagonist Titles ever. I never thought I'd see something even worse than Mass Effect: Andromeda's "Pathfinder" nonsense.
 

gorky

Untimely Thoughts
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Wonderful stuff, @Lorento. "This adventure seems to be getting out of hand" had me laughing for a long time.
 

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