The Maradonia Saga: A read through by an utter autist - Because if I read it, you people don't need to


Nick Clegg's biggest fan
True & Honest Fan
Jun 18, 2015
Wonderful stuff, @Lorento. "This adventure seems to be getting out of hand" had me laughing for a long time.

Thank you. I will include you in my will after my inevitable suicide for that.

Anyway, I'm going to be on the road for a bit today, I'll have an update for y'all later today.


True & Honest Fan
Jan 14, 2017
I've come to pay my respects.

Thank you for doing this, Lorento.

I'm looking forward to reading more - something that I never thought I'd admit in regards to the Maradonia saga. Your commentary is the only thing making this bearable. That and alcohol, of course.


Nick Clegg's biggest fan
True & Honest Fan
Jun 18, 2015 we go again. Last time our heroes had decided to go home because they had to go to a Lagoon and actually do some damned work. This time, they shall be forced back on to the straight path.


Fuck you for that joke Tesch. Fuck you.

So our 'heroes' are busy preparing to ignore Oraculus and head home.


Truly, we really get a sense of their emotional turmoil. At this point, saying 'Show don't tell,' is so redundant.

As they get ready to leave, suddenly something incredible happens.


....well I'm certainly in awe of this incredibly intimidating imagery.

Sagitta speaks in a booming voice and orders them to follow her.


The Time Tunnel is what they came through to get to Maradonia. So they're trapped by the good guys and forced to work for them.
See why Apollyon is the real hero of this piece?

The siblings have a brief discussion and decide to follow the eagle, because the alternative is dying in a swamp. Then....ugh.


And no, before you ask, this won't be the last nugget of wisdom Joey will be spouting. God I hate him. So much.

This was another really short chapter, about 30 lines at most. But it had a lot of stupid shit in it, so I screencapped a lot.


You might be slightly suspicious about people out of their depth riding on the back of eagles in mountainous terrain. You might even have read a similar story that involved this, called The Hobbit. I assure you, there is not a hint of plagiarism here. None whatsoever.

So the kids leap on the eagle's back, grab on and head off to their destination.


Poseidon.....Rock.....Plateau.......triggered. By the way, get used to Graeco-Roman names, they show up repeatedly.

So off they fly and as they do Joey spots a mountain.


Thank you Sagitta. My IQ increased by at least seventy from these WORDS OF WISDOM!

Then....comes another passage that made me love this book. They come in to land and then disaster strikes!


No. Comment. Needed.

They land and the chapter ends with this little passage.


Spoiler alert, this is correct. Whenever our heroes our in danger, God helps them out. Fuck Him.

Both chapters were quite short, but they are still marvelously funny. Tune in next time, where we finally get to the Second of the Seven Bridges.


Nick Clegg's biggest fan
True & Honest Fan
Jun 18, 2015
So on we move to the OBEDIENCE TEST! Our heroes shall be tested like never before. IE: Not at all.


You know what, this is a fine drawing.

So our heroes land and are told to gather some pebbles. What a challenge.


Now this I can appreciate. Mysterious writing, ancient lettering. A good way to world build, make your world seem more...real.

Of course, Gloria pisses this all away by having our heroes try and find these pebbles. They conclude that they are hidden in the sand, and grab some sticks to wipe the sand away. Within two lines...


Several things. First of all, a test shouldn't be completed in two lines with complete and total success.

Secondly, you may be confused about the 'Abbadon dude in the dungeon.' After all, when we last saw him in the prologue he was announcing that he would go after Maya and Joey. You will also note that there has been no mention of him in prison, or at all, in any of the screencaps. I noticed this too and so I checked every line before this one. There is no mention of Abbadon's imprisonment in any part of this book. This is especially retarded because this made more sense in the unedited version.

For the record, I have not read the unedited version (When I get my money I will endeavor to get a hard copy of it) and this is just pure speculation. But as far as I am aware, Abbadon's first mention is in this very line in that version of the book. Which, while its still retarded because none of us know who he is, makes sense because we have not seen him outside of bondage. By adding the prologue where he is clearly free, the Teschs' just shot a hole in their own plot. This has to be the first time editing something made it more retarded.

Anyway, they go to cross the Fjord (Which isn't actually a Fjord) and then Ravens appear and croak at them. This distracts Joey and disaster strikes.


So realistic that a sixteen year old skateboarder could simply catch himself on a overhanging rock and pull himself up. Also, this scene reeks a little bit of incest vibes. Don't worry, they come and go unintentionally.

And with one half of the Encouragers (I prefer the Stupid Siblings) lying half dead on the bank, Sagitta leaves them behind, giving them a wise proverb as she does.




This is a hideous drawing. If I didn't know what this depicted (A beheaded snake) I wouldn't have a clue.

So we begin this chapter with a very interesting statement.


In front of his sister. I'm not lying, she leaves to collect stuff and returns to see him putting the clothes back on. Dude got undressed in broad daylight in front of his sister. I don't want to know what happens in the Tesch household for this to be acceptable.

They decide to head into the Jungle as Abbadon's screaming has gotten louder, indicating that he will soon escape. So far, he's been built up rather well. Oh we will see how that goes.


I checked. The doves never said that.

They reach the jungle, but its thickness makes it difficult to get through. Joey decides to pull out his secret weapon.


Okay, I admit I deliberately missed the next sentence out to make it seem a bit dirtier. But come on!


Stealing weapons from your parents is not a sign of controlling oneself! I also like how Joey's mannerisms switch from that of a 90s kid to that of an early twentieth century upper middle class Englishman on a whim. Really lets me hate him more.

So Maya comes to a realisation.


How do you know this? How do you know the tests? If I knew the answers to my tests, I would be accused of colluding and kicked out. Why isn't the Light King pounding these two with lightning?

So they see some crocodiles and run away, only to run into...


I know if I saw a giant snake my response would be 'Oh, not again.'

Maya marvels and Joey being so calm. So am I, as it goes completely against his character thus far.


At least the italic use is correct this time.

So they try to negotiate with the snake. This leads to maybe the funniest and yet most badass scene in the book.


That's legitimately cool. Naturally, Tesch ruins it again by having Joey approach the snake, having grabbed a leaf from a nearby tree.


Yeah, Joey collects the severed heads of his enemies as some sort of sick trophy. Truly, he is a well adjusted sixteen year old boy. Tune in next time for more adventures. Trust me, it only gets weirder.


Nick Clegg's biggest fan
True & Honest Fan
Jun 18, 2015
Here we go again.


Man, Maya and Joey really have lots of terrifying problems. Picking up stones, ONE snake, Sunflowers. What next?

So Maya and Joey carry on, Joey wondering where Sagitta and the Doves are. Maya responds with this Word of Wisdom from outta nowhere.



There is a large field of really tall sunflowers which are very difficult to see through. They go through together and Maya gets through, but she loses Joey. Well, that was far too easy. Joey struggles to find his way (Despite having a compass and a machete) and then rips off Odysseus in the Iliad with this spiel.


And the chapter ends with Joey hacking his way through the bamboo to get to Maya. This might be the fifth climate change that's occurred thus far in this book.


Graeco-Roman references. Kill me.

Maya sits down on a rock and wonders where Joey is. Rather than go find him, she decides to do as all great heroes do and whine.



She turns around and realises that her sitting spot is next to a pool.


You may be asking what on earth a tar pool has to do with Bacchus, the god of Wine and Debauchery. Well, don't ask me, I'm too triggered to answer. Also, yes, that's LUNGES instead of LUNGS. Edited. Version.

Libertine reappears and Maya asks her for help. Libertine's answer is as helpful as one might expect.


Thanks Libertine. Maya's response is exactly what I would say.

We cut back to Joey, who is still chopping his way through the bamboo.


Kamikaze bombers. Truly, Tesch is the epitome of good taste.

So Joey gets through and reaches Maya. There is a page or so of them desperately trying to get Maya out of the pond, and I must admit that it is passable, compared to the rest of this book. Then Libertine has to ruin it.


Thanks Libby.

Then. literally on the next line.


Yeah, two consecutive lines starting with 'Libertine.' Quality. Also, Lol at that last line.

So Joey rushes with Maya, no doubt both of them are growing stiffer as they run, and they reach the top of the waterfall. Then we get my favourite Teschism, ruining everything that could potentially be cool.


That's the whole description. How do you fuck up JUMPING OVER A WATERFALL!?

The chapter ends with Maya waking up and washing herself, with this lovely image as she stirs.


Don't we all?


Not too bad a drawing.

This whole chapter is 19 lines long.


Just read this.

If this is supposed to be introspection, it sucks. Introspection should not be contained to one scene, let alone a scene only 28% into the book. Also, how do they know these are tests? So far the Seven Bridges are so poorly defined and vague that they're just making them up as they go.

This chapter sucks.


True & Honest Fan
Jan 14, 2017

The Maradonia Saga has the most unnatural dialogue I have ever read.

They keep switching their vocabulary from cringy ""cool"" 14 year olds to the voices of old and wise prophets. Amazing.

Replicant Sasquatch

Do Lolcows Dream of Electric Hedgehog Pokemon?
Dec 24, 2015
These kids already crossed what, four of the "bridges" by this point? I hope this story has more to it.


Nick Clegg's biggest fan
True & Honest Fan
Jun 18, 2015
Now how on earth do we go from here?


No, this chapter does not involve our heroes being gunned down by Warsaw Pact border guards. Curses.

So Maya and Joey are walking along and Joey bends down to get a stone from his shoe. Maya calls him over and reveals...well


You can dig under it.

So they rack their combined four brain cells and Maya comes up with a brilliant solution. Meditation!


You can dig under the wall. Also, nice Words of Wisdom.

So they meditate for about four lines and then Maya has a moment of absolute genius.


Wow. Truly, God sent inspiration to you.

Joey channels his inner member of the Famous Five.


And then they all sat down and enjoyed lashings of ginger beer while Timmy chased rabbits around Kirren Island. God I wish I was reading Enid Blyton.

So they dig under the wall and they celebrate this absolute triumph.


These siblings have quite the ego if they think that digging under a wall is brilliant. Illiterate Mexicans can do that.


I wonder what this chapter will be about. Also, this is the cover image of the book. Truly, what a chapter to drop this on.

Libertine and Sagitta show up again and Libertine explains to the siblings that there is danger approaching. Fairies. Dark Fairies! They state that they are going to try and tempt Maya and Joey and list their powers.


Thank you Joey, for asking the important questions.


Speaking of which, the birds leave as music starts to fill the air. I've no doubt that this music has nothing to do with the fairies at all. Not at all.


What a sad unicorn.

Libertine leaves with these cryptic words


So let me get this straight. They spent a whole chapter talking about the approaching fairies, and Maya and Joey still have no idea what's coming? Idiots.

So a convoy of wagons approaches, with twelve beautiful men and twelve beautiful women playing instruments. Our heroes are obviously on guard when these suspiciously happy people and don't...



Okay, I'm being unfair, because apparently this music hypnotises our heroes. However, the very idea that Maya and Joey are dumb enough to be hypnotised after being told that that could happen means that they're either slow in the minds or really suggestible.

Meanwhile our covert enemies continue to pretend to be good, by putting on the most obvious goody-two shoes act ever.


The heroes are completely taken in by this bullshit.


Our heroes are idiots.

So Maya walks around the carts, happy as can be and then comes across the unicorns pulling the wagons.


Maya starts to feel strange but is overcome by the music. This is sounding suspiciously like the Mr Tumnus part of Narnia, where he plays the panpipes and knocks Lucy out. The Fairies decide that now is the time to strike, but Maya's hand gets stuck on the Unicorn's holster. Yes, holster, not harness. One of the fairies decides that further action is needed.


Wow. What an excellent kids book.

Joey, naturally, snaps out of it as he realises what's happening.


An aneurysm just hit mine.

So Joey pulls his machete out and pulls Maya away. He delivers a speech.


What an epic speech. It's also wrong, as were it not for the Fairies utter stupidity in not stabbing them to death immediately, Maya and Joey would certainly be dead. They were warned and they still fell for it. They're the worst heroes in the entire world.

Next time, we get a scene that did actually appear in the movie. And it is famous for its acting.


It's time for assembly...FROM HELL!!!
May 27, 2014
I know I'm a few chapters late from saying this, but it's funny as hell to point out.

In the original version, Joey's machete was a kitchen knife. A fucking KITCHEN KNIFE.


This is the weapon he uses to traverse the jungle and behead a giant snake.

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