The Maradonia Saga: A read through by an utter autist - Because if I read it, you people don't need to

Lorento

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These next couple of chapters are duds. They just aren't that funny to mock. Sorry all.


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Spoiler alert, this doesn't happen.

So our heroes go to turn away, when...

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To those of you who have seen the movie, these lines might sound quite familiar. For those who haven't, this book scene corresponds with this scene in the movie, in all of its one minute glory.


Read all of Gertrude's lines as this actress did. I laughed.

So the fairies summon a wall of fire and Joey is scared. However, Maya tries to convince him that the wall of fire is merely an illusion.

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Wow, glad to see Tesch doesn't know how to build tension, they solved the problem in six lines.

However, leaping over the wall of fire means nothing, because the fairies have more tricks up their sleeves. But fortunately, our heroes are saved!

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CATO! OH GOD GAS ME NOW! So this creature is obviously an amalgamation of Thor and a Roman name, so that automatically triggers all historians. The fairies, being outmatched, flee, burning the carts behind them.

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Oh fuck you. This is the most blatant Mary Sue bullshit so far and its only going to get worse from here.

Libertine chimes in at this point.

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Thanks Libby. She urges our heroes to go before Abaddon escapes from prison.

This chapter once again shows Gloria's inability to write action or tension. Our villains have been shown to be completely impotent in the face of the overwhelming forces' on the heroes' side. How are we supposed to get behind the heroes if they never fail?

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This is some abstract shit.

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These names are retarded. Imperator, okay, fine. it sounds somewhat impressive. Blackpool is...less so. Also, gotta love that the black unicorn is literally called Black. Amazing.

They start to go up a mountain path and it snows. This terrifies Maya and Joey, as apparently they've never seen snow like that. Fair enough, they are from Florida. Imperator starts talking about how they can avoid freezing to death, and Blackpool chimes in with this gem.

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Even the Unicorns are smarter than Maya and Joey. Incredible.

The heroes curl up with the Unicorns and fall asleep. They then go into a dream sequence where both of them take their clothes off and dive into a lake. (It's the Pool of Blood from later on in the book) They start to burn up at the bottom of the lake and they scream, before Abaddon appears.

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The villain is eerily beautiful. That's another cliche checked off the list. So Abbadon is actually kind intimidating here and cackles while mocking them. I wonder if he'll be this threatening in person.

So our heroes wake up and explain that they've both had the same dream to each other. Then the snowstorm just...stops.

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This sentence is so redundant.

The chapter ends, and it was completely pointless. This dream is never brought up again. Next time, we enter the Valley of Imma, where we can finally see what THE ENCOURAGERS are all about.
 

Foltest

Land ska med lag byggas
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A god of thunder that is named Cato.......
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[screaming inside]
 

Lorento

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And so we continue. This next chapter is twice as long as the rest of them, so we'll only be doing one chapter today.

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Not a bad drawing IMO.

Our heroes descend the mountain and enter the Valley of Imma. They see a bunch of people, but no adolescent children, which sounds like a familiar plot to point to any Dick Van Dyke fans out there.

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I wonder what language she based her names off of? It sounds kinda Russian to me, but eh.

So messengers run to warn the Elder, Montesalem and Maya and Joey play a bit with the toddlers and babies.

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Please note that Benji has not been mentioned at all in any of the previous pages. Well done Gloria.

So Montesalem comes out with twenty three other elders and they ask Maya and Joey questions about their journey.

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Oh fuck off, not this bullshit again.

Montesalem screams about how the Encouragers have arrived and orders people to run to the other villages and spread the word. The he drops some words of wisdom.

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The leaders of the other villages soon arrive.

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Tesch points out that the two men are black, and describes nothing except their skin colour. This is not racist, but it is kind of weird.

The two elders offer Maya and Joey the use of their armies but Joey acts like an asshole again.

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Wow.

Maya does not react well to this.

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So Joey pussies out and apologises and Montesalem instantly forgives him. And thus a pattern begins for the rest of the books.

Monty explains about why there are no children there.

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The pause before 'For his services' make me think that Apollyon is using them for less than pleasant things. Disgusting, Gloria.

Monty reveals that there are six hundred young warriors hidden in the woods, several of them then emerge from hiding and Maya and Joey are surprised when Monty gives them command over that army. Maya uses the opportunity to drop some quality words of wisdom.

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Thanks Maya.

They both accept command of the army and Joey has a plan formed in his head.

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We will get to this shortly, but I assure you this test will trigger many, many people.

So they prepare to head off to Lake Lagoon (Still a stupid name) and Montesalem orders Nasser and Lawrence about.

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Again with the emphasis on skin colour for no apparent reason. Weird.

And with that, our heroes head off to the Nissan falls, where the next waste of space chapter will take place.

In conclusion, this chapter was long, self masturbatory to the self insert characters. But at least it moved the plot along.
 

Lorento

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And so our new Commanders continue on their quest.

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If I were Nissan, I would not want to be associated with this book series. On the other hand, if Apollyon did a drive by on Maya and Joey while IN a Nissan, I would go out and by six Nissans right now.

So with so much at stake, our heroes decide to....take a break.

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Some heroes.

Fortunately, the journey there is described in great and intricate detail.

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Thanks Gloria.

Maya and Joey have a little picnic. Meanwhile, the three elders go to Commander Justin and his army and inform them that Maya and Joey are taking over. There is no mention of how anybody feels about this sudden change.

We then cut back to Maya and Joey.

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Oh no!

Fortunately, Maya and Joey do not discuss anything important, so the fairies don't learn anything. So far these evil doers have failed to do anything remotely threatening. I'm starting to see a pattern here.

The two move on and head up to a place that overlooks the whole of Lake Lagoon. Maya turns to Joey and says,

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It's incredible that one sentence could have so much wrong with it.

Our chapter ends with this gem.

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Lake Lagoon is so redundant as a name. God help us all.

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From left to right: Commander Justin, his father Kerry, and the Medium, Dimitri on the right. I like how Justin has a comedically large European style sword, but a Saracen helmet. That's some consistent artwork right there.

We get off to an excellent start.

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Wonderful.

So these riders dismount at the mouth of Lake Lagoon and place down flags with a symbol of Seven White Doves on it. The kids are confused by this and Joey asks,

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Pretty sure Libertine told them that they were working for the Light King when they first met. CONSISTENCY!

Maya changes the subject and asks about whether or not Commander Justin will be happy that they are taking over. Joey once again responds.

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That metaphor about the chewing gum is weird. What, so he spits the wisdom out all deformed and flavourless and then sticks it under a table?

Soon Commander Justin appears and he is NOT happy to see our heroes. Then again, neither am I.

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The EVIL HIERARCHY! I also like how he welcomes them after insulting them and implying that they made all of their 'achievements' up. What a brilliant commander.

Maya and Joey go to talk to the small army of six hundred children.

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I'm sure it was.

They recount the story thus far, using far too many words to describe very little. Once they're done, Joey congratulates Maya for her speech, but Maya is concerned about Commander Justin.

As she should be, because...

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Uh oh. So how is Justin going to stop these damn kids? He decides to summon the spirit of his dead father to ask for advice. Finally, something that has the potential to be interesting!

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Dimitry, eh? That sounds quite Russian, so how is this medium portrayed in the movie?

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Oh. Also, his face in this photo sums up this book in general.

So he asks Dimitry to summon the spirit of his father, Kerry. Dimitry is unwilling, at first.

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I love how our heroes are on the side of King Astrodolous, a man who puts mediums and sorcerers to death. They're becoming less sympathetic by the line.

But Justin promises Dimitry that no harm will come upon him if he does this, and so Dimitry agrees, albeit reluctantly.

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The Black Tribe. Sigh.

Kerry appears and Justin informs him that he doesn't know what to do and wants some advice. His father responds with this bitchslap.

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Thanks Dad. With that, the chapter ends with Justin collapsing to the floor, terrified, as you would be when your Dad basically calls you a complete idiot.
 

Irwin M. Felcher

fiery but mostly peaceful
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And the name of that elder... was Albert Einstein.
Pretty sure Libertine told them that they were working for the Light King when they first met.
Yeah, but this is Joey talking. You really think he's been paying the slightest bit of attention to a single thing that's been happening around him?
With that, the chapter ends with Justin collapsing to the floor, terrified, as you would be when your Dad basically calls you a complete idiot.
More likely because they just prophesied his death, unless I'm misinterpreting that "you will be with me" line.
 

Lorento

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More likely because they just prophesied his death, unless I'm misinterpreting that "you will be with me" line.

You aren't. However, Justin does not understand the meaning of this line himself, as the next chapter will show.
 

Replicant Sasquatch

Do Lolcows Dream of Electric Hedgehog Pokemon?
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The fucking Bailey School Kids encounter more tension and resistance than these two chucklenuts ever do.
 

UnicornPiss

TELL ME I'M PRETTY
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Jesus. The biblical references are astounding. I wanna read it now and file a copywrite complaint on God's behalf.
I've seen some pretty autistic fan fiction written by homeschoolers before, but this takes the cake. My Immortal had more redeeming qualities.

You're doing a saint's work. God speed.

Edit: as I'm a fucking moron and all of this has been said three to seven years ago.
 
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