The Maradonia Saga: A read through by an utter autist - Because if I read it, you people don't need to

Lorento

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So we continue. When we last left off, Commander Justin was attempting to murder Maya and Joey. Will he succeed?

Of course he won't.

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Who labels their poison bottle? Also, I'd like to point out that Curare is a real jungle poison. Keep that in mind.

So Justin has committed to carrying out his mission to kill Maya and Joey, even though it brings him no real benefit other than having a title.

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What an idiot.

So Justin picks out two mangoes and coats them in poison. Unfortunatel for him, he's not alone.

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Can I just say how fucking dumb this is? Rather than have Maya or Joey figure something out, they have Libertine find out instead. Because we can't have Maya or Joey be in danger or need to figure stuff out by themselves, no sir.

Libertine tells Joey the bad news and soon Justin approaches Maya and offers her a mango. Joey rushes forward and tackles her to the ground, screaming about how the fruit is poisoned. The captains of the army laugh and even Justin is amused.

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In fairness, that does sound like something Joey would do.

Joey decides to put Justin in his place, and channels his inner Jane Austen character.

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And then they pulled out the duelling pistols and shot one another while Keira Knightly looked on nervously.

Somehow, this challenge causes Justin's entire army to start chanting like a bunch of apes.

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So now Justin is well past fucked, so he decides to do the only thing he can do. And no, it isn't 'Rush at Maya and Joey and slash them to pieces.'

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Curare does not have this effect.

The chapter ends with Dimitry recalling the words of Kerry and shivering. Don't worry, he'll be back later.

Get out your Bibles, because its time to plagiarise!

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So Joey has come up with a plan to test the army, as the twelve captains of the army pledge allegiance to the Encouragers. (DO YOU GET IT TWELVE CAPTAINS, TWELVE TRIBES OF ISRAEL HAHAHAHA KILL ME!)

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I don't think Joey knows what he's doing.

This is proven in the very next paragraph.

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What an amazing general Joey is. Inspiring, almost killing his army of child soldiers through dehydration.

Maya pleads with him to let them drink, but....well.....

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The more Biblical among you might be starting to realise where this is going. I sure do, or my name isn't Gideon.

So half of the troops throw themseleves into the Lagoon and splash about, while the other half kneel and cup the water in their hands. Joey uses this as a pretext to send the half who jumped into the Lagoon home, to set up supply lines and stuff. And yes, this is stolen wholesale from the Book of Judges, where Gideon does almost exactly the same thing.

http://biblehub.com/judges/7-5.htm for those who are interested.

Before everyone heads off home, Joey delivers a William Wallace speech.

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Maradonia gu brah indeed.

He continues, talking about unity and stuff, and this sentence pops out.

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Classic Maradonia.

Joey heads off and Maya catches up with him and asks an amazing question.

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It's a bit rude to Judge him, Maya.

Joey decides to tell her and I'm going to post this whole final page, because it is incredible.

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Joey outright states he stole the idea from the Bible. We're getting to Meta Plagiarism levels. Also, Today a Reader and Tomorrow a Leader is just a 10/10 slogan, up there with 'There is always the right moment for stealing' and 'Go for the kill.'

Next time we will finally reach the mermaids at Lake Lagoon and my inevitable suicide draws ever closer.
 

Replicant Sasquatch

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What is the page count for this book? The way the action moves so fast makes me feel like the text is actually just an outline for the story.
 

Lorento

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What is the page count for this book? The way the action moves so fast makes me feel like the text is actually just an outline for the story.

According to the paperback versions I can find on Amazon, the unedited version of Maradonia and the Seven Bridges (Meaning the first two books) comes in at around 810 pages long.

Of course, the formatting in the paperback version is apparently so wretched that it puts Dr Seuss text size to shame, so I would assume that the version I have might be 200 pages long? Since I have the online version, its hard to tell.

But you are right, things move far too quickly in Maradonia, with no time to breathe or for things to sink in.
 

Replicant Sasquatch

Do Lolcows Dream of Electric Hedgehog Pokemon?
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But you are right, things move far too quickly in Maradonia, with no time to breathe or for things to sink in.

Since this adventure started I've been wondering why this text is so jarring and I finally realized this is why. The plot is so rapid-fire it really does read like a bullet-pointed list of things happening. I have no sense of the passage of time.
 

Lorento

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Since this adventure started I've been wondering why this text is so jarring and I finally realized this is why. The plot is so rapid-fire it really does read like a bullet-pointed list of things happening. I have no sense of the passage of time.

Trust me, by Book Five for all I know about two weeks might have passed.
 

Lorento

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41% through. This is endurance. Also, a double posting of Maradonia because it is a slow day.

So our heroes finally reach Lake Lagoon, the uncreatively named giant lake in the middle of Maradonia. I for one cannot wait.

Even that chapter title sounds a bit weird.

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Not a bad piece of art, honestly.

So Maya and Joey head to the Lagoon with 300 horsemen. Now, I was under the impression that these were jungle dwelling people who hid there to avoid being captured by Apollyon. Now they have horses? This seems sightly out of left field.

Maya strikes up conversation with one of her captains.

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This book is so dull that it has to remind us what happened a few pages back, in case we forget.

She continues on her monologue about mermaids and shit, with this legendary passage.

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The tenses here are incredible.

The party continue towards the Lagoon and they are travelling very, very fast.

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"HIGH GEAR GALLOP"

Libertine informs Maya and Joey of more tests and temptations. They grumble a bit, before Maya orders everyone else to go ahead while she stays at the Lagoon with her escorts. She obviously wants to see the mermaids. Sure enough, everyone leaves and she and her bodyguard move closer to the Lagoon. A mermaid pops up, and we get a description.

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Beautiful description.

The Mermaid introduces herself as Juliana.....wait sorry, I mean Juliana.

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How does one dive into a lake with a luminous flash? Bizarre.

Then Juliana offers Maya a present.

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WOAH! That's a bit much for a children's book Gloria!

I jest, it is in fact an actual pearl necklace. Juliana also brings out a shell that allows Maya to breath underwater. Juliana explains the name of their underwater city.

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I see. She then proceeds to explain the origin story the Mermaids speak of, involving a giant turtle building the city. Alright. Cool.

They go through the city, meeting a talking dolphin called Magenta, and they look at market stalls and it's all very, VERY boring. The come across some mermaids who immediately crowd around Maya.

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Please keep this in mind, because it will become important in the second book.

Maya responds to this with....you guessed it.

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Fucking hell.

The mermaids explain how Abbadon and Plouton kidnapped Aquamarisha and we pass time quickly to the evening, when Maya says that they need to go home.

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That's not saying much considering Maya's last underwater experience nearly killed her.

When she gets back to land, she meets with her escorts and they head home, and one of them actually get named as Captain Henry. We'll be seeing more of him later.

This chapter was long, but it's also pretty good in comparison to the rest of the stuff in the book. It explained a feature of the world, and didn't involve any dialogue that was that stupid. Still, things will pick up a bit next time, I can assure you of that.
 

Replicant Sasquatch

Do Lolcows Dream of Electric Hedgehog Pokemon?
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I jest, it is in fact an actual pearl necklace. Juliana also brings out a shell that allows Maya to breath underwater. Juliana explains the name of their underwater city.

000d586d70654a9fe904c51235b42160.png


I see. She then proceeds to explain the origin story the Mermaids speak of, involving a giant turtle building the city. Alright. Cool.

They go through the city, meeting a talking dolphin called Magenta, and they look at market stalls and it's all very, VERY boring. The come across some mermaids who immediately crowd around Maya.

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I did some research. The word awanata is in fact derived from the Miwok word for "turtle". The Miwok are/were a language group of American Indians located throughout Northern California.

I need to do some more searching but somehow I doubt "Aquamarisha" has similar roots.
 

Infidel

Have you been Haram or Halal?
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Her entire novel sounds like Dora the Explorer is narrating it AND playing all of the characters.

Why must you hurt yourself this way, @Lorento :(:heart-empty:
 

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