The most dick thing you've ever done

[Luminous47]

I was a little douche in 3rd grade. Oh well, we all grow up in some ways. Got bullied back in 7th grade, karma exists, huh?

 

[Shadfan666xxx000]

I told my high school girlfriend it was a mistake to not pump and dump her. I was also cruel to this other girl who needed to share her thoughts about being sexually harassed on a field trip because I was defensive around women who I thought were too attractive for me.

 

[The Blackest Jew]

Left about $1.45 in change inside a used rubber on on the nightstand of a girl who really liked me in HS, after taking her virginity. Snuck out while she was asleep.

 

[LazarusOwenhart]

I've probably told this story before elsewhere on this site but: I used to work with a group of other guys in Security. Pranks in that environment can be fairly vicious. Anyway, one unforgivable sin was to bring in food like donuts and biscuits and not at least offer the things around. Hogging stuff like that was asking for trouble. One of my colleagues, we'll call him Fatass because it's accurate, had a real thing for custard filled donuts and was a selfish fucker who wouldn't share. The first few times he got tame retribution. The contents of his lunchbox taped to the ceiling out of his reach, black shrink wrap around his car. Tame stuff. Third time we were sick of it. I 'just so happened' to have a syringe and some Dijon mustard the exact colour of custard about my person for entirely unrelated and un-premeditated reasons. Donut gently squeezed empty, refilled with mustard, carefully replaced. After an agonising wait of nearly an hour he dipped back into his locker for a snack (note to anybody with lockers, don't use combination padlocks because they decode/shim fucking easy). Here's a little factoid about Fatass, mustard makes him vomit, more or less instantly, as I discovered seconds after watching him eat the entire donut in one smug self satisfied bite. I've never seen someone so heavy move quite so fast in the direction of the toilets.

I probably committed more complex and 'funnier' pranks during my time in that job but knowingly making somebody barf up a lung for the crime of not sharing donuts is probably the most vicious.... Oh I did once put a piece of tape over a safety sensor on a scissor lift and trap two people (one of whom is terrified of heights) 40ft up for over an hour.

 

[Meat Target]

I spit in someone's food.

 

[Reverend]

Upper Decker

 

[Dwight Frye]

Had a fat, ugly girl develop a crush on me in high school and asked me out. I laughed and said I didn't think I could afford the dinner bill, let alone the rest of the theoretical date. Made her cry.

 

[MadStan]

One time I was living in hostel - shared room. Other guy was out; and so I got out the hot wax to give my genital area a do over. Hot weather and it was Man maintenance. Anyways, pants around knees, hot pot of wax balanced between my knees - had to - you cant turn and grab the shit off the table cause if you move too fast the stuff spreads and the mirror was near the door and table had crap on it and I couldn't be bothered clearing it off - so anyways, hot bowl of wax between my knees, underwear and pants around my ankles. I didn't want to keep going back to the microwave so I heated the entire supply of wax ripping hot so I could cool it a little...apply it...without having to go back to microwave every 5 mins.

Bad idea.

Anyways, as I am holding my dick and carefully applying that hot wax around (but not on it) the door flies open. Its my flat mate home early- he's like "WTF you doing dude?!?" Out of sheer reaction I grabbed my pants and pulled them up.

That entire bowl of hot wax went up my arse and everywhere - my entire ass and front was a cocoon of wax. It cooled real fast as it was spread out.

I screamed as I wobbled to the shower....screamed...every hair on my ass and front was being torn little by little. My penis was melted into it against my groin hair.My hairs on my ass were now part of my asshole with wax.

I sat in the shower with blood, red skin and tweezers and a comb ripping that shit off for an hour.

I cried. Like a fucking baby. Like a fucking baby...

 

[Stilgar of Troon]

On tour in the Netherlands and our merch guy/general gofer is being a mardy tool pretty much the whole time, making the atmosphere a bit strained in the house we'd rented as a base.
One morning, he comes down to breakfast, makes himself (and only himself) a coffee, and promptly walks through the lounge (where we were all sat) and sulks on his own in the dining room.

About the only firm rules we had on that tour were:
i) No drinking in the van to/from gigs
ii) No one gets/makes drinks or food without at least offering to get/make drinks for the others

Somewhat put out by this, we were debating how best to punish him for being a twat, when I had a bright idea. I went up the bedrooms, took his phone off charge, unlocked it, took a photo of my right nut, replaced his profile pic on facebook with the one of my knacker, deleted the original pic off his phone, relocked it and put it back on charge. theperfectcrime.jpg
We checked it a few times through the day, by the time it got to about 130-something comments, we were openly howling with laughter every time he came through the room. This prompted him to go and sulk in the bedroom. Very shortly afterwards, he came downstairs, furious and nearly crying, demanding to know who'd done it. I actually felt kinda bad. For a good five minutes or so, anyway.

 

[A Grey Cat]

a few years ago i passed by the stonewall in nyc after they erected a statue to someone nobody cares about outside (think it was of the drag queen who threw the brick at the cops and started the 1969 riots). I put a cigarette out on the statue's eye, spit on it, then flipped the double bird at that damn bar and ran for the subway when someone came out the front door and asked what the hell was i doing.

 

[Utilitarian Clit Dick]

Had a few dates with a Chinese international student, stayed at her place a few times, had good times with her. When she started asking if we could be exclusive, I point blank messaged her saying 'I already have a girlfriend,' even though I was just fucking a few different girls back then. She replied back, 'oh... I'm sorry.'

I still feel really bad about that one, she was a genuinely good person.

 

[LazarusOwenhart]

a few years ago i passed by the stonewall in nyc after they erected a statue to someone nobody cares about outside (think it was of the drag queen who threw the brick at the cops and started the 1969 riots). I put a cigarette out on the statue's eye, spit on it, then flipped the double bird at that damn bar and ran for the subway when someone came out the front door and asked what the hell was i doing.

You wanna be careful with the super sharp, finely honed edge you've got there.

 

[MalWart]

I don't know if this completely qualifies as an asshole move since I wasn't doing it out of malice, but I once asked my preschool bus monitor about how she got obese out of sheer curiosity. She was actually a very sweet lady and had no issue discussing it.

Being the naive 5-year old I was, I made the mistake of telling my parents about it and they punished my ass.

 

[Quantum Diabetes]

Apparently when I was five I was in a Venture with Moms and told the cashier "Your black skin stinks".
I'm sure she's holding onto that one still.