Sonichu The Once and Future Chris -

[ALongIslandIcedTea]

Just taking a stab at Sonichu Fanfiction. Feel free to tell me what you think.

Chapter 0:
The fat, mustachioed jerkop hurried his way up the stairs of PVCC. It was an imposing stone castle, and the only college in all of CWCville. He had just finished a mission the Dean had sent him on. He knew she would be pleased with his news, but he felt great fear of meeting her just the same. He went to the top of the black stone staircase, and saw the entrance to the Deans throne room. A long blood red carpet, leading down the hallway to imposing oaken doors, with bronze gargoyle door knockers. "Norm! What business have you in the Dean's hallway!" a stern sharp voice called out. Norm turned around and saw officer Bagget, chief of the jerkops emerging from the staircase.

"Important news for Her majesty Dean Walsh!" Norm replied wiping beads of sweat from his brow. "Tell me the news and get back to your station" Bagget said imperiously his white gloved hands on his hips. " For... her.... majesty's... ears only!" Norm said slowly with a loud whisper. Bagget's anime eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Very well Norm" he said curtly. " As you were" and with that he stalked away into the opposite corridor.
Norm gulped with fear as he approached the doors and knocked three times on the Gargoyle knocker. "Enter" a sharp, clear and terrifying voice commanded. By some unknown force the doors opened of their own accord. Norm took a big gulp, hitched up his pants and walked into the throne room. The doors shut behind him at once with a terrifying bang!"

He walked into the room, lit only by flickering torches to the magnificent obisidian throne. On it sat a middle aged woman with blonde hair flecked with grey. She wore a purple skirt, purple go-go boots, a purple cape and purple gloves. She radiated purple.
On her head was a golden helmet complete with cruelly curved aurochs horns. In her hand was a scepter with a glass orb. On her shoulder was perched a golden eyed raven. It was Mary Lee Walsh, Supreme Dean of PVCC.
Her violet eyes studied him fiercely for a moment. "Well my servant" she said pleasently. "Speak. Tell me of your mission."
Norm knelt before her, his fat hairy belly spilling over his pants and out of his shirt. " Y- your majesty. There is no sign of the mayor. I have patrolled all of CWCville.. the mall.. bruchville lane... asked the sonichus.. the rosechues.... I even managed to get into the mayor's office."

The Dean's eyes widened with delight. "Very Very good Norm." she purred. "And?" " And- and... he's gone.. he's awol... no one knows what he's doing or how to contact him." The Dean let out a low chuckle, that grew steadily louder. "Do you hear that Andromodus?" She said to her raven. " Our hour has come!" She and the raven cackled for at least 3 minutes. "You have done well my obedient Jerkop" said Mary caressing a gloved hand through Norm's hair."You may depart. And speak of this to no one. If you do I shall know." The doors sprung open. "Yes milady.. Thank you milady.." Norm stammerd as he hitched up his pants and walked out of the throne room as fast as he could.

"Now is my Hour!" Walsh exclaimed with glee. " Graduon" she barked rapping her staff on the floor. "Yes Mary, what is it?" came an ethereal voice from the orb. "I need you and Andromodus to alert our allies that CWCville is vulnerable. It canbe ours IF we act quickly. Fetch Snyder, Clyde, Max, Asperchu. You must hurry!"

A blue mist filtered out of the staff and shot toward the window, with the raven in hot pursuit.
"Soon.... Very Soon" Mary said as she folded her fingers together, and her eyes glowed a bright, neon shade of purple.

So.. Good.. bad? On a scale of 1-10?

 

[milkshark]

Heh, is this why Tea got banned? I read it, and it's pretty weird and generally bland. Make up your own characters, Chris' ain't doing your writing any favors.

 

[Mauvman Shuffleboard]

Heh, is this why Tea got banned? I read it, and it's pretty weird and generally bland. Make up your own characters, Chris' ain't doing your writing any favors.

Nope, it's an alt of a previously banned account.

 

[_blank_]

Before they got The Bann, ALIIT asked me to check over this fanfic and provide some critique. And since I'm a nice guy who is also actively procrastinating from work today, here's what I got.

(BTW, when I refer to "you," that means ALIIT. Further, that isn't mean to encourage them to come back here and further annoy Null by making a new account- they should be able to read this without having to be logged in, anyway.)

First thing first, I would strongly implore that you check your grammar and paragraph structure. Multiple instances of missing apostrophes and commas. Also, each line from a different character, when broken up into quote, needs a different paragraph.

Second, be careful with subjective terms like "terrifying" without giving reason to why it was terrifying. Was something "terrifying" because of a past bad experience? Was it something in the voice that would cause such feelings?

At the same time, be careful with using terms that are too exact. "Anime eyes," for example. A better phrasing would be "Bagget's large, almost cartoonish-eyes narrowed in suspicion."

Also, "She and the raven cackled for at least 3 minutes." is awkward. It infers that someone was timing them. Instead, keep it simple, such as "She and the raven cackled for an inordinate amount of time."

Finally, always ALWAYS make sure to elaborate on the setting. You have a vision in your mind of what things look like, but for the rest of the readers, we only know what you tell us. For example, was the stone castle new in appearance, or old and craggy? How did it smell- like mildew, or perhaps the cooks in the floors below were cooking the evening meal, and the smelled of boiled pork wafted through the rafters? How well illuminated was the stone castle? What kind of lights, if any were there? Just extra stuff like this adds atmosphere and gives the reader a more involved feeling.

I'm not going to give this a numbered score. You're doing okay thus far, but there is some room for improvement. Focus on elaboration and definitely focus on sentence structure and I think you'll be improving in no time.

 

[Poison_Ivy]

you're too nice, _blank_ lol.