The Parable/Metaphoric Story of Chris' Life: The Parched Man in the Desert -

[Count Olaf]

I thought of a parable/metaphoric story thing regarding Chris and his life the other day. I call it "The Parched Man in the Desert". I don't know if you all will like it or not, but there's only one way to find out, so here goes.

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A certain man was on a journey across a vast desert, accompanied only by his two mules. One bore all the mans possessions, and other bore the man himself. Where he was going does not matter. What does matter was that the man was not too bright, and more importantly, he lost his way and found himself lost in the swirling sands. To make matters worse, his mules were not in good health, and after a while the mule bearing all his things could not travel any further, and died from exhaustion. With only one mule left, he made the other mule bear his things and guided as he walked on foot.

After a while the man grew thirsty, so he grabbed his canteen, and tried to take a drink. However he had already consumed his water long ago, and in his foolishness forgot to bring an extra supply. Without his water the man grew thirstier and thirstier. The thirstier he got, the more he went back to his canteen, wishing, dreaming, hoping for even the smallest, tiniest drop of water to appear to quench his thirst.

He grew so parched his lips began to crack and his throat became so dry it hurt to swallow, and so thirsty it began to drive the man insane. He gulped and gulped and gluped as hard as he possibly could but nothing ever came out of the empty canteen. In his madness he became bitter, angry, and delusional.

"There must still be water left! There IS water left! God himself has proclaimed I am destined to find the water I need!" The man shouted to the desert winds. "I will go on a quest to find water! I must keep drinking! Surely it will come from my canteen, surely!"

Of course, no water ever did come. As the man continued on his madness, other travelers on the same journey happened across this man and his mule. Some tried to help him.

"You will find no water this way!" They told him. "There is a desert oasis not to far from here, go there and you will find water."

But the man in his madness did not listen.

"LIARS! You are trying to deceive me! You mean to hinder my quest! The water is HERE in my canteen! I will find it!"

The man cursed them and wished death upon them, and so the other travelers realized the man was simply too far gone, too foolish to see the truth. Other travelers mocked him, handing him empty canteens, proclaiming that they had found the water he was seeking. They laughed as he tried to find water from each and every one.

Many others just stood and watched, wondering just how long he would wonder the desert blinded by his own sanity before realizing the truth:

He had been stumbling in a circle around the Desert Oasis for days.

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So, what do you think?

 

[A-Stump]

And then he pooped his pants

 

[Count Olaf]

Must everything devolve into crap himself and do nothing? In most cases, yes it's true, but come on...

 

[A-Stump]

It does.

 

[Foulmouth]

Chris wouldn't keep walking. He'd sit down cry and .....(fill in the rest yourself)

 

[Tubular Monkey]

"You will find no water this way!" They told him.

"Mmm. Yeah." *buries head in PSP*

 

[Count Olaf]

Chris wouldn't keep walking. He'd sit down cry and .....(fill in the rest yourself)

Yes I know. It's not an exact extraordinarily detailed Godbear level parable, but I was just trying to go for an overall summary, if you will. Simply put, much like the Parched Man who was looking for water, he's been desperately looking for a sweetheart in one way that will never produce any results his entire life. But if he was sane and smart enough to realize that all he had to do was stop, actually make himself look a little better, behave his own age, and not focus on sex he might actually find a sweetheart (or in the parched man's case, he'd actually find water).

 

[OtterParty]

Yes I know. It's not an exact extraordinarily detailed Godbear level parable, but I was just trying to go for an overall summary, if you will. Simply put, much like the Parched Man who was looking for water, he's been desperately looking for a sweetheart in one way that will never produce any results his entire life. But if he was sane and smart enough to realize that all he had to do was stop, actually make himself look a little better, behave his own age, and not focus on sex he might actually find a sweetheart (or in the parched man's case, he'd actually find water).

I think Chris goes way beyond this rendition of his parable. As it stands now, the story could apply to any Wizard or parkay dud or Brony or... most of the people in the Lolcow thread. If you want to make it a story about Chris you need to include some of the Chris-exclusive details. You need to talk about the kid from the nomad tribe who dressed like a girl and convinced him to shove a broken canteen up his ass. Mention the part where he went to Ohio looking for water and, failing to find any, went back to the desert. Put a part in at the end where he burns his camels to make a fire for brewing coffee.

 

[Satoru182]

Ok I see where you come, this parable can be aplyed to Chris very well, for he IS insane and refuses any advice that is given to him. The water would be not a sweetheart, but what he wants at the end, a normal(for 50s tv sitcoms at least) life and realization. But he justs goes in circles doing the same over and over expecting a different outcome every time, just crazy.

What Chris really wants is a perfect life that he dreamed about, a nuclear family a sexy wife/fuckmommy, Cristal the promised daugther/embodiment of his sexual identity issues and a office job.

 

[Cwckifan]

This is a damned fine parable, indeed. Accordingly, which family members\associates do the mules represent?

 

[CatParty]

His crap

 

[Lelbron]

That's a fancy way of saying Autism.

 

[OtterParty]

This is a damned fine parable, indeed. Accordingly, which family members\associates do the mules represent?

The man's possessions represent Barb and the Hoard, condensed into a single entity. You'll notice they follow the man around, even after the first mule's death. That first mule is Bob, the world's meanest Republican cur cunningly hidden in the form of the Democrat party's symbol. This alludes to Bob's role as the mastermind in the JenkinsJinkies persona that successfully threw the Trollin Train forums into chaos - he's the master of espionage nobody would ever have expected. Furthermore, note that this mule is carrying Barb (and the Hoard), the combined weight of which (in addition to the previously mentioned poor health) are implied to have a role in his death.

The second mule is his latent bestiality. We all knew Chris was a filthy horsefucker. Horses are the preferred "fursona" of male homosexual furries, owing to their impressive penis-to-body-mass ratio, a further indication of his desire for cocks up the butthole. This is a repressed desire, just as most other things would be repressed if they had to lug around a fat sack of shit all their lives. Or it could have been depressed. I'm sure it was one of the two, if not both.

The desert represents Virginia. As has been frequently stated, Virginia is for Virgins. There is to be no love, no romance, and especially no sex, within Virginia. A young high-functioning autist on a desperate Love Quest for a Boyfriend-Free Girl to make into a Sweetheart from the Ground-Up in this Very Boring, One-Horse state could easily be compared to a man frantically seeking water in the desert - they're both likely to die slow, painful deaths and then their corpses will be devoured by the giant sand-worms.

The empty water canteen symbolizes Sonichu, a source of comfort in this wasteland that, by the time of Bob's death, was long past its expiry date. The desert winds are the unfeeling face of the universe at large with its cogs grinding ever on, both completely ignoring the one impotent voice of a poor deluded autist. Other notable scholars believe the howling winds are actually an allusion to the numerous prank calls he's been bombarded with since he became internet-famous.

The water he so desperately seeks is a stand-in for . The swirling sands that he gets lost in are s.

The Desert Oasis is Disneyland. Everybody wants to go to Disneyland.

 

[Coldgrip]

Yes I know. It's not an exact extraordinarily detailed Godbear level parable, but I was just trying to go for an overall summary, if you will. Simply put, much like the Parched Man who was looking for water, he's been desperately looking for a sweetheart in one way that will never produce any results his entire life. But if he was sane and smart enough to realize that all he had to do was stop, actually make himself look a little better, behave his own age, and not focus on sex he might actually find a sweetheart (or in the parched man's case, he'd actually find water).

For these things to happen he'd first have to not be Chris.

 

[He Sets Me On Fire]

I liked this! Well done. The only change I'd suggest is to imply that the mules were somehow responsible for his delusions, but then, you already have them bearing the man and his stuff on their backs, with no plan for the future. Again, this was well done.

 

[Count Olaf]

This is a damned fine parable, indeed. Accordingly, which family members\associates do the mules represent?

Barb and Bob

For these things to happen he'd first have to not be Chris.

Yep. Yet another way the Parched Man and Chris are the same--both are too far gone to change.

 

[TrippinKahlua]

I would have come in and shot those asses for having a stupid existence.

But wait, this isn't Red Dead Redemption.

Anyway, I enjoyed your story and got a laugh from it.

 

[Count Olaf]

The man's possessions represent Barb and the Hoard, condensed into a single entity. You'll notice they follow the man around, even after the first mule's death. That first mule is Bob, the world's meanest Republican cur cunningly hidden in the form of the Democrat party's symbol. This alludes to Bob's role as the mastermind in the JenkinsJinkies persona that successfully threw the Trollin Train forums into chaos - he's the master of espionage nobody would ever have expected. Furthermore, note that this mule is carrying Barb (and the Hoard), the combined weight of which (in addition to the previously mentioned poor health) are implied to have a role in his death.

The second mule is his latent bestiality. We all knew Chris was a filthy horsefucker. Horses are the preferred "fursona" of male homosexual furries, owing to their impressive penis-to-body-mass ratio, a further indication of his desire for cocks up the butthole. This is a repressed desire, just as most other things would be repressed if they had to lug around a fat sack of shit all their lives. Or it could have been depressed. I'm sure it was one of the two, if not both.

The desert represents Virginia. As has been frequently stated, Virginia is for Virgins. There is to be no love, no romance, and especially no sex, within Virginia. A young high-functioning autist on a desperate Love Quest for a Boyfriend-Free Girl to make into a Sweetheart from the Ground-Up in this Very Boring, One-Horse state could easily be compared to a man frantically seeking water in the desert - they're both likely to die slow, painful deaths and then their corpses will be devoured by the giant sand-worms.

The empty water canteen symbolizes Sonichu, a source of comfort in this wasteland that, by the time of Bob's death, was long past its expiry date. The desert winds are the unfeeling face of the universe at large with its cogs grinding ever on, both completely ignoring the one impotent voice of a poor deluded autist. Other notable scholars believe the howling winds are actually an allusion to the numerous prank calls he's been bombarded with since he became internet-famous.

For the most part...that pretty much hits the nail on the head.

The water he so desperately seeks is a stand-in for . The swirling sands that he gets lost in are s.

The Desert Oasis is Disneyland. Everybody wants to go to Disneyland.

 

[Marvin]

Heh, this isn't a parable. It's pretty much just taking the story of Chris and replacing some of the words. Like turning "Chris" to "man in the desert" and things like that.

Although, I guess if I saw it out in the wild, I might have a better opinion of it.

 

[Anonimo]

Technically speaking a parable is defined as a story meant to teach moral or spiritual lessons, such as the ones in the Bible. The comments about your story and it's hidden meanings would make this more of an allegory to Chris's life. It is still a good read, and I look forward to reading more of your works if you make any