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🐕🦺 Animal Control 🐕🦺
True & Honest Fan
- Nov 25, 2017
Featured on Mar 14, 2021 at 10:20 PM: Trans Ranch is under siege, under lockdown. Trump voters pulling up in black Ford Raptor trucks.
By @Yellow Yam Scam
The Tenacious Unicorn Ranch (referred to as the "tranch" or "tran ranch") is an ongoing Colorado sitcom which aired on Kiwifarms starting in 2020. It features a trans-only ranch which functions more akin to a bizarre BDSM sex cult and their antagonizing interactions with unsuspecting local townsfolk. The tranch was originally conceived as a spin-off of the Kevin Gibes Show as the titular Kevin Gibes's place of residence which was also strikingly similar to Kevin himself, with themes of being disgusting, destructive, and overwhelmingly careless. Episodes of the tranch show primarily focus on the cast's attempts to raise alpacas rather than crops, with storylines devolving into the tranch members being clear nuisances to their community as they act as if they are on the verge of war with still-unproven "right wing militias." The show first aired with a promotional poster, displayed below, contextualized as created by the tranch members themselves, to symbolize the careless nature of the characters in the show.
In context, the leader of the tranch is Phillip Matthew Logue, who goes by "Steampunk Penny," but is also known as "Penis" by the fanbase. Their various members are also deserving of considerable criticism due to their behavior, Paul Mendoza, referred to as "Bonnie" by tranch members and "Boner" by fans, is often depicted as forever in Phillip's shadow, being in his own league of ridiculous. If their tranch members' bizarre histories aren't strange enough, their interactions with those around them, and actions in general, range from absurd to abhorrent.
Special thanks goes to @Meiwaku, @Lubby Smith, @Chewing Character, and @Guy Made Of Bees for their extensive effort in archiving.
DIG THROUGH THE STINK DITCHES
On the surface, the tranch is merely strange. A trans-only commune, the tranch's primary focus is alpacas, which is not a particularly lucrative venture. The most money which can be gained from alpacas is selling their wool, but it is a niche market which allegedly is only used for pyramid schemes, although this hasn't been verified in any capacity regarding the tranch. If the reviews of their wool is to believed, what the tranch produces is of low quality and filled with debris. If anything, it seems the tranch's main export is fluff pieces, as outlets such as PBS, NBC, and Vice have made saccharine documentary segments on it.
Underneath the hopeful façade these documentaries present, and foreshadowing for what would be later revealed, the first major bit of information gathered from the tranch was that it was labeled as "non-compliant" and "delinquent" by officials, demonstrating their senselessly defiant or apathetic nature. The tranch also tries to claim they are a charity, wherein one fan, @Meiwaku, goes into great detail to describe how the tranch irrefutably and legally is not. Although one may have a perception of a communal farm such as the tranch having a strong sense of family among its members and close ties to the surrounding towns, the tranch has anything but. According to ex-tranchers, the tranch tends to treat its workers quite poorly. Either way, living on the tranch is absolute misery as systems such as the heating, plumbing, or electricity break down on a constant basis while members settle on temporary quick-fixes every time they try to repair it.
Even those outside of the tranch are not safe either, as articles from local news outlets have been written complaining about the tranch's negative impact on the community, and when any fluff piece gets enough traction, the comments for it are rife with individuals criticizing the tranch while the tranchers attempt damage control, countering with the stock excuse stating anyone who holds a poor opinion of the tranch is simply a bigot. The tranch doesn't even seem interested in seeing a bond between other farms either, as members have expressed amusement and smug superiority when discussing farms which are struggling during difficult conditions, mocking the suffering of farmers they have never met in jest.
Whether or not the criticism regarding them is justified, to the tranch, the fact they are disliked means they are victims, and thus tranch members are exceptionally gung-ho about "self defense." This is evident by how they seem to treat owning guns as a power fantasy, as they will regularly try goading people who question them to tresspass onto the ranch so they can justify shooting them. Members have even bragged about paranoically pointing guns at passing vehicles. And, if they can't get a problem to come to them, tranch members will go out looking for it instead, as members have also boasted and verified (along with the victim's recount) they went out, hunted down, and physically assaulted people solely for disagreeing with them.
Unfortunately, the tranch treats their animals about as well as they treat outsiders. As an important note, Kiwifarms is not a website for vigilante justice. Do not waste public service's time and money calling the police anonymously.
That said, the best way to describe the tranch is "incompetent animal hoarders." The tranch itself is a barren wasteland of dirt yet is home to literal hundreds of animals, with the numbers increasing rapidly as they are allowing their animals to breed unsupervised. The sheer quantity of their livestock is far more than the members can handle, and it certainly exceeds the cramped living conditions they store them in. The tranchers also seem to struggle with managing the chilly climates of Colorado, the state of their residence, as they have admitted to both alpacas freezing to death and chicken eggs being ruined from the cold. Their haphazard attempts to warm the animals by covering their sheds with exposed insulation seem to have adverse effects as well, as the alpacas have visible manure stains caused by poor diet, leading many to speculate the animals have been feeding on the said exposed insulation. And, because it wouldn't be any other way, the tranch is ready and and willing to deflect any criticism by stating anyone who takes umbrage with how they raise animals is just a troll from Kiwifarms, willfully ignorant of the actual message, all while thoughtlessly posting images of the alpacas being exposed to the elements until they are covered in snow.
Further analysis reveals one possible source of the alpaca's poor health. Since the tranchers most likely do not supervise the feeding of their alpacas, larger alpacas will bully smaller ones out of food when feeding time comes around, leading to a few large and burly alpacas amidst small and emaciated ones.
Unfortunately, tranchers scoff at and dismiss any accusation of wrongdoing, meaning it is highly unlikely their treatment of their animals will improve any time soon.
PENNYWISE AND THE TROON GOONS
To take a step back from the dire topic of animal abuse and into the laughable topic of cartoonish cults, as Kevin Gibes has expressed giving his open and tactless nature, the tranch is keen to isolate its members from their families and make only other tranchers the single social safety net the members have, which is a standard cult recruitment tactic.
With a large cast of characters, a handful of tranch members are worthy of note, with Phillip Logue (Steampunk Penny or Penellope, or "Penis" by his fans) and Paul Mendoza (Bonnie, or "Boner" by his fans) being the key members of the crew. Starting with the leader, the tranch was first established by Phillip after undergoing his transition. However, leading up to its establishment, Phillip served in the military and fathered two children. He then abandoned the mother and his child to fulfill his absurd fantasy (starting with promptly cutting his testicles off) and presumably has not contacted nor supported them since. However, considering he admits to having tried grooming his four-year-old daughter to become trans, that may be for the best.
As for the tranch's second-in-command, Paul, it is noted that he seems to actively dislike all members of the tranch, Kevin Gibes in particular. This was effectively proven when Paul quickly abandoned the tranch commune in favor of Kindness, a genuinely insane woman whose abrasive nature made her instantly hated by all other tranchers. Enticed by the prospect of a natal woman's vagina in comparison to his fellow tranch member's non-binary genderblob stinkditches, Paul fell head-over-heals for Kindness and left the tranch by her side upon her exhile without a second thought. He has since adopted Kindness's habit of making up countless debilitating physical and mental conditions for attention, attempting to opt for social security while simultaneously denouncing the government without a hint of self-awareness.
Regardless of his presence on the tranch, Paul owes a lot to both the tranch and his mother, especially given how the current tranch is in his mother's name. However, Paul's relationship with his parents is heavily strained, as he claims to have been sexually molested by his father, holds nothing but contempt for his mother and, as with other members of the tranch, has isolated himself from his family, opting to discuss his mother in particular with the most mechanical, disparaging, and emotionless ways possible. This, perhaps, may have led to him adopting outright misogynistic views.
The only thing as disgusting as how Paul treats others is his cooking skills and trigger discipline, as the former has anything not already burnt to charcoal made with an ungodly amount of grease and fat, while the latter is, to put it lightly, lacking. Notably, as visible in the video in the header, Paul decided to paint the trans flag onto his pistol's barrel, which will certainly give investigators quite a story to share when it's eventually used for manslaughter on an innocent local. Regardless, the poor storage and handling of his guns is often a reoccurring theme in any image where they are visible.
Beyond the two key characters of Penis and Boner, an ongoing fan project by @Swerf'n'Terf goes into greater detail regarding the other tranch members with collectable trading cards.
Paul's legally married husband, Sky was initially and often confused with Paul himself due to their similar appearances. Sky is the most quaint member of the tranch, as very little is actually known of him other than his primary role in the tranch as free manual labor. Proving just how much a scumbag Paul himself is, despite Sky being Paul's husband, Paul abandoned Sky after leaving the tranch with Kindness without so much as a parting word.
Even after this fact, Sky still holds onto the hope that Paul will see the light and return to him. Paul still engages very little with Sky and, perhaps signaling the deterioration of their relationship, he has since removed Sky's name from his Twitter bio in favor of Kindness. Paul doesn't seem intent on improving at any point, however, as he has gone entire weeks without ever mentioning Sky, and when he does, it's simply to point fingers at him.
Next, Salina, who goes by "Trans Cucumber" but is mostly known as "Neck" by his "fans" due to his, well, neck, is possibly the most despised member of the tranch as a whole. Entering his early 40's, Neck initially was married with multiple children. He had since abandoned his wife and kids to live out his desire of becoming a woman on the tranch. To intensify his contemptible nature, Neck still desperately attempts to flirt with Kindness, effectively proving he is still wholly heterosexual and ditched his family to pursue an entirely selfish fantasy. Neck will occasionally complain about paying child support and being forced to visit his children regardless, showing he actively dislikes the family he himself had willfully created and destroyed.
Another infrequent side character, Michael is generally referred to by his trans persona "Jen" because nobody cares enough about him, and is a coprophiliac, meaning he eats feces for those who are blissfully unaware of the term. He also enjoys wearing diapers for sexual interests and, despite his pre-transition photo, possesses what is referred to as the "hungry skeleton" body type in fitness circles, his body lacking any form of fat or musculature while presenting his skeletal structure on full display under a thin layer of skin. This, coupled with his confirmed construction of a neovagina, gives him a Francis Bacon-esque quality to any photo of himself.
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Lastly, Ash Coyote (on the left in the image below), who is colloquially known as "Gash Coyote" by his fans, is less a member of the tranch and more a furry orbiter. Regardless, Gash often produces fluff pieces regarding the tranch and appears with tranch members now and then. While Gash is mostly only notable for said fluff pieces, he at least made the amusing mistake of believing a video of himself taking his fat boyfriend (on the right in the image below) and pulling his puny pecker was private because it was hosted on a public Google Drive folder.
This encompasses the major players on the tranch itself. While there are many other members, none of them are particularly worth mentioning, but are contained nonetheless in @Swerf'n'Terf's post on them and with a deeper exploration by @Meiwaku's series on the lesser members.
By @88 get!
Between their clueless nature and brainless members, the most recent ordeal afflicting the tranch is the Tranch™ Warfare Saga©. Tranch Warfare had begun not too long after a fluff piece was aired on television, where the tranch soon claimed to have received death threats and the reporter who covered them got letters containing an "acidic powder" of some sort. However, the tranch both refused to publish the death threats nor approach the police with them, and have not confirmed what the "acidic powder" in the letters was. In general, authorities expressly tell receivers of death threats not to publicize them, so the tranch unquestionably either approached the police and became frustrated when they were told to stop sharing the death threats, or had not received death threats to begin with. As for the powder, it has been theorized, assuming if it was real to begin with, to perhaps be some form of powdered fruit due to the ridiculous nature of the scenario.
Regardless if the threatening letters were fake, the fact the tranch saw fit to capitalize on such a tempting grifting opportunity is very real. Immediately after claiming to have received these threats, the tranch shared a link to a crowdfund for supplies, which instantly gained tens of thousands of dollars. Tantalized by this considerable haul, the tranch has since doubled, tripled, and quadrupled down on these threats, leading to events which not even the most bold of parodies could fathom penning. The tranch now claims an "alt-right" militia is currently rallying around their perimeter and are readying for a literal war. These still-unseen extremists have been allegedly caught sneaking onto their property (who the tranch did not shoot despite all their posturing with firearms) and, when one of the tranch's alpacas died from the freezing Colorado temperatures, the tranch claimed it was a sneak attack performed by a covert alpaca assassin.
Worth noting is the tranchers will occasionally blame an individual named "Earl" for these apparent attacks on the tranch, hence the occasional references to a still-unseen Earl which pops up from time to time.
But emboldened by these events which are very real and actually happened you guys, seriously, stop laughing, the tranch has been stockpiling their defenses. Purchasing dozens of security cameras and hording an estimated 40,000 dollars worth of guns and ammo, the tranch seems ready to start a war with the surrounding community; presuming tensions on the tranch don't heat to the point they just wind up shooting each other, of course. The stupidity of this entire saga has escalated to the point where even overt supporters have started questioning the legitimacy of this farce.
The hilarity of the tranch and their exposure to the public at large is entirely exemplified by their "rescue" of a "trans sister," which became a viral tweet for a brief moment. As expected, the tranch members were quick to fluff up this ridiculous scenario with even more absurd claims, stating they performed a daring infiltration of a white supremacist cult which had kidnapped their rescued victim.
Perfectly demonstrating how the tranch members exist in a bubble, and how they react to this bubble being burst, they were quick to dismiss anyone laughing at this moronic posturing as an alt-right troll rather than an individual with a modicum of common sense. The tranch, of course, concluded that they were only targeted for being brave and standing up for what's right rather than for pushing an obvious lie.
This is, naturally, the standard fashion for tranchers responding to anyone who disagrees or mocks them, no matter how mundane or inoffensively. While they will block individuals after trying to get the last laugh, tranchers absolutely despise anyone who belittles them. While their most common tactic is making death threats to those who criticize them, tranchers will also convince themselves that the individuals who do so are "right wing fascists" even when they're people who are heavily adjacent to their own communities. Take, for example, this video by Penis, which he made in response to such criticism. Despite such an innocuous statements, Penis was eager to block them while inviting this person onto the tranch specifically so he can shoot and kill them. The biggest irony of all, Penis repeatedly asserts this person does not bother him nor does he have time to respond to them despite making a three minute death threat in response.
Thus, between the chaos of the ranch, the neglect towards their animals, the lunacy of the tranchers, and the upcoming and highly-anticipated war, the only individuals set to benefit from it all seem to be the tranch's observers. While the suffering of their animals and neighbors is regretful to watch, at the very least, the self-destructive nature of the tranch and its inhabitants serves as a small positive admist the cacophony of nonsense.
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