The Works of NNewt84 -

NNewt84

kiwifarms.net
Well, @LiquidKid, you've asked for it, so here it is - the thread relating to any (but not necessarily all) works by yours truly. :)

I thought I'd create a separate thread for it, so that any others I happen to post on don't get needlessly sidetracked. (Though I'm sure some sperg will sidetrack this thread eventually.)

So anyway, here are the first two scenes for a comic script I'm working on. Feel free to constructively criticise as you please, and I might actually take it on board if it's good enough. :)
 

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littlearmalite

-SPEND THESE THIRTY HOURS GETTING FREAKAAAY
kiwifarms.net
I, uh, don't know what I just read. It's not horrible, it's just... bland. Very bland.

Also yeah, you really, really, REALLY should have payed more attention to our good friend Mr. Enter's thread.
 
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littlearmalite

-SPEND THESE THIRTY HOURS GETTING FREAKAAAY
kiwifarms.net
Got any suggestions on how to improve?
First of all, the German is pretty off. I'd recommend either sticking to a language you know, or getting an actual German who speaks the language fluently and regularly who's interested to interpret for you.

Second: it feels vapid. The only characterization is thin and quite honestly boring. Each character speaks in the same exact way, with the same exact 'voice', but with a token difference between them. Dad, social media girl, special girl. Give your characters more depth.

Third, please stop doxxing yourself. Eventually, someone's gonna fuck around and send you a funny in the mail.
 

NNewt84

kiwifarms.net
First of all, the German is pretty off. I'd recommend either sticking to a language you know, or getting an actual German who speaks the language fluently and regularly who's interested to interpret for you.

Second: it feels vapid. The only characterization is thin and quite honestly boring. Each character speaks in the same exact way, with the same exact 'voice', but with a token difference between them. Dad, social media girl, special girl. Give your characters more depth.

Third, please stop doxxing yourself. Eventually, someone's gonna fuck around and send you a funny in the mail.
Yes, I noticed that someone (don't know if it was you) criticised Enter for the voice issue, and I try to keep that in mind when writing dialogue. When I picture the characters in my head, they do seem like distinct characters with their own personalities, but it just feels different when I'm typing up a document; it's hard to make it seem natural when I'm working with a format that prides itself on conciseness and grammatical correctness, and I'm constantly trying to fight that by channeling the characters' personalities.

After pondering it through for nearly an hour, I came up with something that might work for me. I was thinking, maybe I should record myself and a friend or family member improvising a scene, and draw inspiration from that. I'm actually part of an acting troupe where the director/writer uses a similar technique to write his plays. Do you think this would be an effective method to capture natural-sounding dialogue?

Also, if it helps, I made a 40-second "animated" short with these characters (barring Joanna), which I didn't even write a script for because it was so short I could just memorise what little story I planned. Just out of curosity, does the dialogue here still have the same problem?


(And don't worry - I ditched the scary-ass tapir logo for a much friendlier Hungarian rune-style logo.)

As for the "pretty off" German, as you put it, I'm considering hiring a German language consultant to clean up Johann's dialogue, if that helps.
 

littlearmalite

-SPEND THESE THIRTY HOURS GETTING FREAKAAAY
kiwifarms.net
Yes, I noticed that someone (don't know if it was you) criticised Enter for the voice issue, and I try to keep that in mind when writing dialogue. When I picture the characters in my head, they do seem like distinct characters with their own personalities, but it just feels different when you're typing up a document; it's hard to make it seem natural when you're working with a format that prides itself on conciseness and grammatical correctness, and I'm constantly trying to fight that by channeling the characters' personalities.

After pondering it through for nearly an hour, I came up with something that might work for me. I was thinking, maybe I should record myself and a friend or family member improvising a scene, and draw inspiration from that. I'm actually part of an acting troupe where the director/writer uses a similar technique to write his plays. Do you think this would be an effective method to capture natural-sounding dialogue?

Also, if it helps, I made a 40-second "animated" short with these characters (barring Joanna), which I didn't even write a script for because it was so short I could just memorise what little story I planned. Just out of curosity, does the dialogue here still have the same problem?


(And don't worry - I ditched the scary-ass tapir logo for a much friendlier Hungarian rune-style logo.)
No, because it's voiced. A problem in text (as a writer), is that it's very hard to convey voice. There are many ways to do it, some which land, some don't. A lot of things go into it- choice of synonyms, syntax, structure of sentences, number of contractions, phonetic errors. Things that are much easier to convey in a vocal medium. I don't think, if you're making a comic, that vocalizing these things would help much, but you can certainly try it if you have a willing participant.
 

Murmur

Uncouth Twat
kiwifarms.net
When I was a little kid, we're talking like 4 or 5 years old, I used to say that I wanted to be an astronaut. My parents did the typical parent thing: "Of course honey, you can be anything you want." A few years went by and I still wanted to be an astronaut. My parents sat me down and said: "Look, we love you but here's the thing. You're never going to be an astronaut. You're nearly rêtarded. You're not completely retärded, but adjacent. Like if rëtarded were a city you'd live in the suburbs. Like right at the edge."

Initially I was crushed. But that's what I wanted to be! They're wrong! I'll show them!

But then more years passed. I'm not an astronaut. Never have been. Never will be. I'll never go into space. And that's okay. A wise man once said: "You can't always get what you want".

Why am I telling you this? What does any of this have to do with you? Well, here's the thing: You'll never write a comic. You're a fucking retárd. Find a new hobby, preferably something you're good at.
 

Bunny Tracks

You and I'll be safe and sound
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Just for some clarification, this guy was mucking up the Mr. Enter thread before he got threadbanned. He's already accidentally doxed himself as Sam Bateman, and as you can already probably tell, he does have autism. Here's the interview where he himself confirms it. (archive)

Here's the video that he made, and subsequently his YouTube channel. (archive) (archive)


Here's his deviantart account, (archive) that features such amazing art like this:


He also hated Into the Spider-Verse because the lead character was black, considers letting kids watch Ghostbusters (2016) to be borderline child abuse, and has claimed to have known about/lurked on this site for over five years.

Got any suggestions on how to improve?
Learn to shut up when shit hits the fan.
 
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NNewt84

kiwifarms.net
>He also hated Into the Spider-Verse because the mulatto lead character is leagues beyond anything he's ever written.

FTFY
Yes, because a guy who's just starting out is totally comparable to professionals with years of experience.

Didn't we criticise Enter for being pretentious when he compared his own works to stuff like Harry Potter and Star Trek? Nice to know the Kiwis can't even follow their own advice.
 

NNewt84

kiwifarms.net
Well, this thread turned out to be a bust. I just knew it would get sidetracked at some point - I just didn't realise it would be this soon.

Honestly, I don't even know why I signed up for this website to begin with. It's all just one big cesspool of circlejerking and toxic behaviour. I'm just grateful that this site has no great influence, and that no-one in the right mind would actually take this site seriously, especially after its response to the Christchurch mosque shooting.

So therefore, I am done with this website, since clearly no-one is willing to be civil and actually give constructive criticism. Well, except for you, @littlearmalite - your advice was pretty good, at least until Bunny came in and derailed the thread. Good day to you all, and continue getting assmad at anyone who dares to criticise forced diversity in film while you make fun of autistics.
 
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Uncanny Valley

ONE MORE GOD REJECTED
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Well, this thread turned out to be a bust. I just knew it would get sidetracked at some point - I just didn't realise it would be this soon.

Honestly, I don't even know why I signed up for this website to begin with. It's all just one big cesspool of circlejerking and toxic behaviour. I'm just grateful that this site has no great influence, and that no-one in the right mind would actually take this site seriously, especially after its response to the Christchurch mosque shooting.

So therefore, I am done with this website, since clearly no-one is willing to be civil and actually give constructive criticism. Well, except for you, @littlearmalite - your advice was pretty good, at least until Bunny came in and derailed the thread. Good day to you all, and continue getting assmad at anyone who dares to criticise forced diversity in film while you make fun of autistics.
Do a flip faggot.
 

Autisimodo

Relax, take it easy
kiwifarms.net
Well, this thread turned out to be a bust. I just knew it would get sidetracked at some point - I just didn't realise it would be this soon.

Honestly, I don't even know why I signed up for this website to begin with. It's all just one big cesspool of circlejerking and toxic behaviour. I'm just grateful that this site has no great influence, and that no-one in the right mind would actually take this site seriously, especially after its response to the Christchurch mosque shooting.

So therefore, I am done with this website, since clearly no-one is willing to be civil and actually give constructive criticism. Well, except for you, @littlearmalite - your advice was pretty good, at least until Bunny came in and derailed the thread. Good day to you all, and continue getting assmad at anyone who dares to criticise forced diversity in film while you make fun of autistics.
Dude, I keep telling you the Kiwi Farms wasn't for you; And here I find you getting assmad because people are making fun of you for practically attention-whoring on a Forum for discussing and laughing at Lolcows.

Stick to Deviantart and Reddit.
 
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