I actually read every word of this Russian novel of a post. Frankly it's more about your own existential crisis than Vox Day.words
It sounds like you had a rough life and you blame genetics. Do you have a disability or birth defect of some sort?
I suppose it's good that you've found enough meaning in Christianity to stop killing yourself. I can't quite tell if you came to it through alt-right punditry or the other way around, but I would suggest divorcing the two. Christianity is not an inherent element of whiteness or vice versa. Jesus, Mary and Joseph were not Nordic Europeans, after all, and you'll find huge Christian communities in northern Africa, East Asia, Latin America, black communities in the southern US, all around the world, massive churches with nary a white face to be seen, but all proclaiming the same savior and tenets that you do. Are you going to hate these people, denigrate the circumstances of their birth and obsess over their supposed inferior IQ, or will you love them as your brother? What would Jesus do?
At least the WNs who follow old Germanic or Nordic religions, as ridiculous as they might appear to a devout Christian, are being a bit more consistent with their beliefs. They're still dumb, though.